NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Ep 15 Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
Mentioned Episode:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-14-how-to-stay-calm-and-in-control-during/id1662241353?i=1000604104790
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
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Join my free facebook group here:
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Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
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WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34)Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42)Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40)Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34)And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27)I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

Ep 13 | Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:43)First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down. Speaker 1: (02:32)It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic. Speaker 1: (03:22)I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care. Speaker 1: (04:13)I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to. Speaker 1: (04:53)We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either. Speaker 1: (05:54)It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak? Speaker 1: (06:44)I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low. Speaker 1: (07:36)So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace? Speaker 1: (08:26)Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system. Speaker 1: (09:18)You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:07)But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean? Speaker 1: (10:58)We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that. Speaker 1: (11:44)I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Ep 12 | Trouble Getting Motivated After Abuse? How the 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins Can Help!

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
Speaker 1: (00:00), is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be. Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse. Speaker 1: (02:35)So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever. Speaker 1: (03:33)Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you. Speaker 1: (04:29)And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.

Ep 11 | 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30)So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28)So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14)Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13)But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02)Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55)Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50)That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

Ep 10 | 5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
MENTIONED LINKS:
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33)So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22)And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05)I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55)The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44)Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37)Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Ep 9 | How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
MENTIONED LINKS:
Grab my planner here
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
Life Changing Weekly 1:1 Coaching with me
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34)What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20)So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11)So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05)But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55)I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46)I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44)Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.

Ep 8 | 5 Ways to Deal with Guilt Trips from Family and Friends After Going No Contact with a Narcissist

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
One of the most difficult (and somewhat unexpected) things about going no contact with a narcissist is the others that they pull in to guilt trip you! In today's episode I will talk about the ways to deal with this triangulation.  It isn't your fault, and just because others join in on the blame game, doesn't make it the truth. You know your truth, queen! 
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
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https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:
https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
 
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
 
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, hello. Today we are going to talk about something that is not talked about so much in regards to dealing with narcissism. As if the wrath of the narcissist after you cut them off is not enough, the guilt others may place on you can be devastating. In today's episode, I will discuss ways to help deal with those guilt trips because ain't nobody got time for that. Speaker 1: (00:27)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL call. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:37)When I disconnected from the narcissist in my life, other family members came at me telling me I was ruining the family. I did question myself but knew logically. Of course, the person who actually ruined the family was the one who was, I don't know, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Not me. But when you have gone through narcissistic abuse, your mind has been so tattered and twisted and messed up that you go back and forth believing the truth and the narcissist truth. Those are two different things. Spoiler alert. So guilt trips can absolutely work on you. You're an easy target for guilt trips. But I got therapy, which I highly recommend and I worked through that fake news story and created some solid ways to temper the guilt trips. So let's dig into the five ways to deal with it, to navigate all of the lovely guilt trips that may be coming your way. Speaker 1: (02:33)Alright, number one, have a short and simple phrase for when anyone comes at you with. Mine was because I don't mince words. That's. This other person is abusive and that is not my fault. You can do your own lovely little version of it. You don't have to have a curse word in there. I highly recommend it. I love a good and just make it short and simple and always go back to that and repeat it. That is is your, you don't get emotional, you don't fluff away with other words or well, this and that. No, just stick to the basics. Did I mess that up sometimes? Yeah, I'm human. Did I give myself grace? Yes, we need a lot of grace. Okay, number two, hang up, hang up the phone, walk away, leave. Get away from anyone trying to place blame on you for not tolerating abuse cuz that's what it is. Speaker 1: (03:26)I want you to let that sink in. We're actually gonna repeat it. I'm a good repeater. I'm like a parrot. Do not stick around anyone that is placing blame on you for not tolerating abuse. That's what it comes down to. Don't let them twist it into something. It's not. It's plain and simple. You decided to protect your peace. You walked away. You're not tolerating abuse that is healthy. You are the healthy one. Remember that? So you have full permission to say, I'm, I've gotta go. You can be polite about it or you don't have to be polite about it. They're not being polite to you. You can hang up the phone. You can say in a nice language, Hey, I've gotta run. Catch you later when you're not guilt tripping me. Hang up, walk away. Always be in a place. If you know these people are guilt tripper types, make sure when you're with them you have a way to get out without you know their car. Speaker 1: (04:17)Like you have your own car or whatever it is. Set your situations up and it might sound like that's a lot of planning. You'll get used to it. You know who you can trust and who you can or who you feel comfortable around in these situations as you navigate getting out of a narcissistic situation, always have a plan to get out because it can get uncomfortable. And then you have the control and can leave if you need to leave, if it's on the phone, that's an easy hangup button, but don't tolerate it. Okay, number three, ask them not to mention said person's name anymore. I did this in my life. I will say it's something I'm still navigating, um, still dealing with. I still have my moments where I take the bait. We're human so I want you to give yourself grace in this. But it is a very good habit to develop to not have their name mentioned and talked about if possible. Speaker 1: (05:06)I know with co-parenting that's trickier, but if there's someone in your life that you have been able to fully disconnect from, you can ask anyone that may be related or you have mutual friends, just I'd prefer if you don't talk about them in my presence, I'm, you know, I'm trying to heal and move on. It can bring it back up and I just like to avoid it. And you can mention that it will benefit both of you or all of you. If there's more than one, this will benefit everybody because it will keep the drama at bay and keep the peace. Number four, get support. A therapist, a life coach like me. Someone who truly understands narcissism. That is the important part. There are many people who do not get it. So shop around. It's like dating. Find somebody who truly gets it. I, I literally asked my therapist, have you been through narcissistic abuse? Speaker 1: (06:01)She opened up and told me she did. She told me a little of her experience. So I felt like okay, she's been through it. She knows how to navigate better than somebody who hasn't. Life experience is a thing. I believe it can go further than words in a book that people study. I respect that. I think it's great. The combination is the best way you can heal is if you have somebody who has the education and has also been through the experience. So getting support is huge. You're going to need it if you have someone coming at you guilt tripping you on the heels of disconnecting from a narcissist where you have the wrath of that narcissist and you're in a vulnerable space, you are going to need support again, always in the show notes is the phone number for the domestic abuse hotline where you can call them even if you don't have physical abuse going on. Speaker 1: (06:49)I wanna reiterate that you can call them for support and get counseling, all of that good stuff. So check that out in the show notes. Number five, expect it to continue. This is not the fun part. I shouldn't have ended on this. The narcissist will keep triangulating and that's when they bring someone else in to kind of do their dirty work or um, you know, cause problems basically and bugging that person or people which causes them to try to make you fix things, right? Them as in the people they're triangulating, then they will try to get you to fix the situation or make it better because they're getting it on their end from the narcissist. They are usually very fearful of the narcissist as many are. So instead of asking the narcissist to drop it or going against the narcissist, they will continue to guilt trip you to reconnect with the narcissist. Speaker 1: (07:39)So trying to get you to reconnect so that they can get rid of the narcissist pressure on them. Tough. Protect your peace people, okay? This is not okay. This is what the narcissist sets up on purpose to triangulate to try to cause more problems. And you have to just know this is going to happen and I've gotta be strong and do those other four things to get through it. So you have to set boundaries with these people in your life that give you guilt trips. There's no other way around that You're going to have to, in some cases you may have to disconnect from them if they will not leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, when someone's in the web of a narcissist, you know how it is. You've been through it, you know it's hard to get out of. And I at times have compassion for these people because I know what it's like to be under the thumb of a narcissist. Speaker 1: (08:32)It's not easy and you're scared of them. Maybe you're terrified of them, but I'm gonna tell you that is not your. You need to heal you and protect your peace. You can always give advice. I always say give advice once, right? So you can give your advice to these people but their is not your. And if they're on you and making you feel guilty and they're not stopping when you're asking them to, then you can can absolutely remove yourself or you know, make a dis more of a distant relationship with that person. Whatever you have to do to protect your peace, your peace is really important. As much stuff as I've gone through, I am the most at peace and happiest I've ever been in my life. And I would not be here without setting very strong boundaries that were very hard not just to set but to keep. Speaker 1: (09:19)Because people don't always make it easy, especially if a narcissist is involved because they're in the web of the narcissist and they're under their trance, they're under their spell and it can make for a lot of difficulty. But I am here to tell you there is hope and some of these people will absolutely respect your wishes if they value your relationship enough, right? So you have to, like I said, have a short phrase so you can just shut it down. That's. They're an abuser, not my fault. Okay? Hang up, leave the situation. If they're trying to guilt trip you just get out, get away from it. Three, ask them not to mention their name anymore that it will benefit you both and getting that support and then expecting it. And I don't say that to to be like womp womp expect it, but I think it helps us kind of just set the expectations and like, okay, this is gonna happen but I can handle it and everything's gonna be okay. Speaker 1: (10:15)I got this, you got this queen, right? You deserve to not be guilt tripped. You don't deserve that. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault and I want you to really, really hear that and feel validated because we do not get validated that it's not our fault. So this is a safe place where I see you and I know what you're going through and you're going to be okay and you have to keep believing it's not your fault. And don't get sucked into the guilt trips, okay? You are a queen bee, so don't forget that queen bees not your fault. Something else might be your fault. , I got, I got my own share of fault, right? We all got faults, we all have stuff we've done. We're not perfect. But someone being abusive to you is never ever your fault. You not tolerating it. Speaker 1: (11:07)You aren't breaking up a family that's not of your doing, that's you saying, I'm not dealing with this anymore and I'm walking away. And that's strength and that's beautiful and I love you for it. I'm proud of you and as always, smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over athttps://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

Ep 7 | Are You Making Excuses for Your Toxic Relationship? 9 Excuses Debunked | Narcissistic Abuse Healing

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
Did Bob the abuser have a tough childhood? WELL, maybe...but so did a lot of people. They aren't all out there abusing others. There is no excuse for people treating you like crap. Period. Let's go ahead and look at some of the top excuses we make for toxic people and debunk those excuses. 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about all the excuses that we give abusers. I've been there, I've done it. My clients have done it. You are listening here. If you have been the victim of abuse, I'm sure you have given your abuser excuses, you've excused them in your mind to yourself, maybe to other people. And we're here today to talk about what those excuses can look like and let's go ahead and debunk 'em cuz nobody's got time for that. She yet. Speaker 1: (00:35)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over@ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:44)So here are the excuses we give abusers. Number one, he had a hard life, he had a rough childhood, whatever. Guess what guys? A lot of people go through a lot of stuff in this world and they're not all out there abusing others. It's unacceptable. It isn't okay no matter what you have been through. It is not an excuse. Number two, it was my fault. I, I got him mad. Okay? No you didn't. You might have said something that he had an emotional response to, but guess what? He gets to control what he does without emotional response. If he is out of control and can't do that, he should seek help and not be in a relationship. It is never your fault. You cannot cause someone else to do something. People need to take accountability for their own actions. Never an excuse. Number three, they apologize. Speaker 1: (02:37)They said it wouldn't ever happen again. They promised newsflash, this is part of the cycle of abuse from the last episode. It is on repeat and it will happen again and most likely it will get worse. Number four, it doesn't happen all the time. Once is enough, it should not not happen more than one time. It shouldn't happen at all one time. But if it happens one time, you should get out. It usually, like I just said, gets worse and it will get more frequent as time goes on. But it doesn't matter. It shouldn't even happen once. And if it does, it's time to remove yourself from the situation. Number five, I know they love me and I love them, okay? People who truly love you do not abuse you. Again, people who truly love you do not abuse you. They may convince you that they do. Speaker 1: (03:31)They may have you believe that this is just, you know, part of them and they're gonna do better. But they love you. They love you, they love you, okay? Love does not look like pain. Love does not look like pain despite what some of those sad songs talk about. Maybe breakups look like pain when you are in love and you are in a healthy relationship that is functioning as it should, it is not a painful relationship. Sure you may have some conflict or disagreements, but it is not abuse and there's a difference. Number six, we have a lot of great times together. You would have even more if he wasn't abusing you. You deserve to have great times together without abuse. That's it. There is no excuse for abuse. I know it's very easy to clutch onto the fun memories and they will pull at your heartstrings to make you remember those. Speaker 1: (04:24)But it does not make up for abuse ever. Number seven, I don't want to because of the children, I can tell you this, children are going to be a lot more damaged if they stay in the home that has domestic abuse going on. They see it and the cycle will then continue with them where they will be used to it and think it's okay. They could go on into abusive relationships themselves, friendships, all of the above. So you're not only hurting yourself, you are actually hurting your children. You are not helping them by staying at all nine. Nobody else wants me Queen. Better shake that off. Look in the mirror. Yes they will. Right now though you need to focus on making sure you are out of the relationship are completely untied to this person. And this is where I can come in with helping you truly get separated where you are not connected to the person. Speaker 1: (05:25)Even after you are away, you can still be connected. So getting disconnected so that you can heal and you can be healthy enough to attract the right type of person who will love you, who will see you and hear you and value you and love you and trust you and not have you walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. You deserve more and you are worthy of it and you can get it. Absolutely. Now there are more reasons that are scarier reasons like you are afraid they will will hurt or kill you. Like you don't have enough money, you literally have zero money to your name. They have all control, or you have nowhere to go in these dire, more dire situations. I encourage you to call the domestic abuse hotline at 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 and they can help you with a plan. So we have the nine typical excuses and then we have more that someone on that hotline can help you with. Speaker 1: (06:28)And I will, like I said, I'll be having guests on here to talk about these things too. But in the meantime you can call 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 for support. I wanna leave you knowing there is hope. There are tons of people who get out of these situations successfully. I am one of them. I know a lot of them are my clients. There's a lot of domestic violence unfortunately in this world. But there's a lot of hope and a lot of people that do get out successfully and go on to thrive. And that is what I want to help you with. So if you are out of a situation and trying to figure out how to navigate, stay tuned for more episodes. And remember, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to thrive, you deserve to be loved. You're awesome, you're a queen. See you in the next episode, smooches and deuces. Speaker 1: (07:25)Girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over @ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

Ep 6 | The Cycle of Abuse and How to Avoid Getting Into an Abusive Relationship Again | Narcissistic Abuse Healing

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
Are you just realizing that roller coaster of hell you went through may have been a true abusive cycle? In today's episode, find out the 4 stages of abuse and how to avoid getting sucked back in to a similar situation again. You deserve the world, beauty! Listen up and take notes!
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:
https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
 
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
 
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:23)So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship. Speaker 1: (02:16)It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay? Speaker 1: (03:02)That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. Speaker 1: (04:07)I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right? Speaker 1: (05:05)It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens? Speaker 1: (05:54)We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm. Speaker 1: (06:44)Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people? Speaker 1: (07:39)We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it. Speaker 1: (08:35)Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict? Speaker 1: (09:27)Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right? Speaker 1: (10:18)Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control. Speaker 1: (11:08)That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family. Speaker 1: (11:57)That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. Speaker 1: (12:42)You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships. Speaker 1: (13:34)And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
 

Ep 5 | How to Handle Narcissistic Abusers : The Grey Rock Method | Abuser Recovery for Professional Women

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
In a situation with a Narcissist and can't seem to navigate how to handle the situation? If you cannot go no contact with this abusive person, the next best thing is what is called, "The Grey Rock Method" and this episode is dedicated entirely to it. Because it is that good and effective! Make sure to save this episode, as you surely refer back to it.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. So you've tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today's episode, we're going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven't already, and for this episode, trust me, you're going to want to save it and go back to it again and again. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey friends, welcome to the But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christty, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say now, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at Bit.ly/firstcoachingcalll. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:50)So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it's your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can't let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It's just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person. Speaker 1: (02:45)Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let's say you're in conflict, it's normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you're having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we're all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up. Speaker 1: (03:42)The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn't come from defeat though, but power, and that's what I love about it. It doesn't come from this just, gosh, I'm so just, ugh, I just can't do this anymore. I'm wrecked, I'm tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It's intentional. You're not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won't give them the supply they seek, that's when it gets good. Speaker 1: (04:41)It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they're being ignored or they're not getting what they often seek, right? They're not getting that emotional response from you. They're not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that's the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this. Speaker 1: (05:40)Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they'll feel out of control because keep in mind they're always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They're gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you're too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they'll try whatever they need to. They're desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds. Speaker 1: (06:30)And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I'm assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it's hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you've been with them especially for years, or they're part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you've always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it's a toxic relationship, there's often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special. Speaker 1: (07:27)Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person's validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person's validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn't usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you've done it and you ha you're kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time. Speaker 1: (08:23)The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don't let them back in. They'll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they'll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That's not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you're co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant. Speaker 1: (09:19)Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that's okay. It's actually more than okay. It's a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that's their. If you don't know, I have a journal, it's on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it's great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That's just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you're interested in that, I'll put that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (10:02)In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won't be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that's kind of a pain. So I hope you're looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don't know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you're working. So there's no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff. Speaker 1: (10:53)Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don't know it, they, if it's their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you're not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method. Speaker 1: (11:46)First of all, I'm emotional, I'm an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I'm gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I've gotten more healed. Um, so it's hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I'm just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I'm not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don't stoop to their level. You're not like that. That's not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That's more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama. Speaker 1: (12:39)So basically we're gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it's not sad, it's not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I'm at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don't wanna engage in this. And it's kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it's worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that's okay. We're human and we're, we're on this journey. I'm here with you. Speaker 1: (13:27)Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I'm at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don't forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.