Friday Apr 14, 2023

Ep 20 Filling Your Friendship Cup After Narcissistic Abuse

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This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, who wants to find or nurture friendships as an adult.

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00)
Happy Friday. Might not be Friday for you. Maybe you're listening to this on another day. Have a happy other day of the week. But today we're gonna talk about little tips and tricks to make and make a friend. Just one, no, make friends as an adult. Um, we talked about this earlier in the week, um, more about why it's hard, especially for people who've been through abuse. So I'm not doing my regular intro and outro today. I'm just hamming it on up myself. I feel like dodos do too. That's a lot of dues due to allergies, my throat scaling me. But I promised you guys an episode, so I'm going to give it to you. We also went to the aquarium yesterday in Baltimore, Maryland. Highly recommend it is so, so fun. But I've been running, just running. It's our spring break this week, and I've just been running and kind of run down and I was like, I still have to do my episode.

Speaker 1: (00:55)
Ah, so let's dive in. Look, we're gonna do like a fake new intro. It'll be like, but still she thrives, but still she thrives. My throat is not thriving, but still she thrives. All right, so let's dig, dive on in. Also, if you don't know who I am, by the way, I'm Christy, you probably got that part so far. But I am a narcissistic recovery abuse coach and I work with people, usually do weekly calls. I'm working on creating a course. But if you're interested in working with me, just go to my website, which is www.christyjade.com/workwithme and find the ways to work with me. Or you can always message me or email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com. So early in the week, we talked about friendships and how they can be hard, especially if you have been through abuse.

Speaker 1: (01:52)
There's walls up, there's fears, there's insecurities. And even if you haven't, those things can happen. Or if you've been hurt by a friend trying to regain that trust or put your wall down, which my thing, I've had a little wall, I've pulled it down recently, so that's why I was talking about this all with you. So today I wanted to discuss things that have helped me kind of first put my wall down and also, you know, try to find new friendships and nurture my old. So I guess first things first, first things first. I'm the realist. Anyone name that tune. Um, first thing is, uh, kind of realizing that I had a wall and I guess I did realize, but then I was like, I am an extrovert. And in general, we all, no matter introvert or extrovert, we do need people. We need community, whether we wanna admit it or not.

Speaker 1: (02:49)
And I was feeling kind of a void there. So recently I was like, you know what I need? I need to bash this wall down. It's getting old, it's getting crusty. We don't want it there anymore. So it's first like realizing you do have a wall or maybe you're a little jaded or whatever it is, and saying like, I am making a decision to take this down. And that is gonna also mean that I am going to have to change my ways, right? Sometimes we want change without actually like having to do the work. , imagine that. Um, and that's why I say like with my coaching clients, I'm like to make changes, you actually have to make changes like in how you go about your every day, right? You're like daily to-dos and your efforts are going to change. So if you really wanna make a change, you gotta make some changes.

Speaker 1: (03:39)
Sounds simple, but a lot of people really want that magic pill and it doesn't exist. Or it might be illegal. I don't know. So I made this decision that I was going to put more effort in with a people I already knew, but I was like, you know, they're kind of on the outskirts of my life, not my daily life, but I really enjoy them. And they may not be exactly like, it's almost like we have this idea for me of like this best friend that encompasses all the different things. Like they're funny, they're very thoughtful, they're this, it's like this whole list of things. And I realize part of the thing is like, not everybody has all that, especially when we're trying to balance our lives. Some people might be a little flaker than others, right? Some people may be really super thoughtful and sweet, but not like the girl that's dancing on the bars, having the best time of her life on a Tuesday.

Speaker 1: (04:39)
That'd be me, by the way. Just kidding. Um, but you know, there's different traits and it's like one person doesn't have to have all those traits. So I was like, you know, I, what traits do I like? And they don't all have to be in like one specific bestie. And I already have a bestie. I don't see her every day. I do talk to her every day. But these people, it was like building the community of people that are closer geographically. I'm like, I really want more people to hang out with in within, you know, five or 10 minutes. So we can say, Hey, wanna go grab, uh, I was gonna say grab a nail, wanna grab a nail, wanna go to the salon, get our nails done, grab a coffee. Um, and for me, just getting out even for an hour really, really refreshes me and fills that friendship, you know, hole, that's not weird.

Speaker 1: (05:33)
And maybe we'll title this friendship hole. So I started reaching out to people that maybe I talked about hanging out, like, oh yeah, we need to hang out. I actually started putting more effort into those. Like, I like those people. I had an intention of hanging out, but somehow we both are like, oh yeah, we'll hang out and then we don't. So there were a few, I was like, you know, I actually really enjoy time with them and I would like to see them more. So instead of just being like, yo, let's do that. I am going to, the next time I talk to them, say, Hey, Thursday, seven o'clock, what are you doing? Right? That actually has worked. I mean, not every single time, cause people again are busy and have lives. Um, but getting specific instead of just saying, yeah, we should make the time.

Speaker 1: (06:21)
Even if, let's say you're at, let's say like my daughter's dance and there's a mom and we talk every time, right? And it's like, oh yeah, we should get together, da da da. First of all, there's times I wanna get together without my kids. A lot of times I'll be, oh yeah, let's do a play date. And either we do or we don't, whatever. But it's also like getting these friendships, getting to know people. I found you can do a lot better without the kids around. I like doing both. It's fun to like have, you know, whole family hoop loves. I don't know what that is. That's an, it's another episode. Um, but having those just like mom nights together. So I started even being more specific about that. Like, Hey, do you wanna go grab coffee? Just me and you. Oh yeah, that'd be great.

Speaker 1: (07:06)
And I'm like, all right, when are you free next week? Or I'm free Tuesday and Thursday. What's a good time? You know, like, because we can get distracted. And I have found when I felt like these people maybe didn't want to because we talk vaguely about doing it and then they wouldn't follow up, guess what? Sometimes I wouldn't follow up either. Side note. Um, not because I didn't like them, right? I found by doing this, I was like, oh, people actually do. And when you make it specific and you're like, Hey, this time and they are showing up, it didn't discourage me because they would follow through, right? Another thing I have done more recently is signing up for classes again, which I was doing before Covid and with Covid, you know, my family's extra cautious, so I wasn't doing a lot of like, extra things that I didn't have to do with a group of people.

Speaker 1: (07:59)
Now I'm like, Hmm, give me your diseases, everybody. Here we go. We're back in. And I started taking more classes. Like when you do things you love, usually end up meeting like-minded people. Like I love art. So I've been taking, there's like a local craft, an artsy store, um, and they offer different classes on all sorts of things. All things arts and crafts and I love those things. So I started doing resin work recently, which is like, it's kinda like liquid plastic that hardens. You've probably seen it in Men Me artwork pieces like little Tray, I've made trays. They have just all sorts of things. Anyway, well we get, we get sidetracked because squirrel. So I started taking those classes and I meet, I've met women through there. Um, also, you know, my friend runs a local mom's group. I've met many women through there, even online.

Speaker 1: (08:59)
And then we've met up in person. Um, and you can post in those groups and just say, Hey, I'm going for a walk at 11. Anybody down to walk around that pretty lake, right? So getting involved in the community, you can do online as well. And when you go through local groups, I know there's a buy nothing group in our area. I've met a couple women through that. Like where, you know, you give each other's trash to each other and you, you like it and it's treasure or whatever. What's that saying? someone else's trash can be your treasure girl. I don't think that's a saying. Um, but, so I've met women through that and I've seen some, I, I haven't met like a bestie on there, but I've seen some women and I think there's men on there too, but I've seen some relationships really flourish through that.

Speaker 1: (09:53)
And it's just like building community in that way as well. Um, also meeting people through the school. Like my daughter had talked about this girl and we knew them through um, girl Scouts. Shout out Jen, I'm gonna talk about, you know. Um, and like, so my daughter's friend, she's cool and they've become closer and I've met her mom and we've, you know, hung out kind of at Girl Scouts, chit chatted whenever, but never actually had hung out outside of school related activities. And I was like, oh, she's cool. And her daughter and my daughter get along, right? So like this week I reached out and was like, Hey, what day? Cuz we were both on spring break together and I was like, Hey, what days do you have available? Do you wanna hang? And she was like, yeah, definitely right? And that's cool. And like that's getting to know people better and hanging out and it, it's just cool.

Speaker 1: (10:53)
Our daughters got to hang out. We got to chat and get to know each other better. So these are things that you can do and it does take effort and you might have to follow up. It might not be the first time, right? I mean, there's been people that I've followed up with and been like, okay, if they don't respond or don't get back to me, forget 'em. That's been my like mo forever when I meet new people. Cuz I'm like, I don't wanna be chasing people. It's, but that's some jaded. That's some like unhealed trauma, , it's just stupid. Um, but it's like we've like, oh, I don't wanna be rejected. Oh they must not like me. But I've found that to be BS as I've done more of this like intentional. Either I'm gonna follow up again, am I gonna ask someone 18 times when they're like, oh yeah, sure, no, but you get my point.

Speaker 1: (11:44)
And I have also noticed when I do that more specific like, Hey, when are you available? Exactly. Or my favorite way because I don't like planning that far ahead these days. I don't know why I used to be the biggest planner ever and Covid did something to my little brain where I don't like to plan that far out anymore. So it might be the week of, but I might shoot out a message to a few people or I might, you know, shoot a message to someone if they're not busy, shoot it to someone else. Just, Hey, I'm gonna, I feel like going out and getting a drink, who's down? And it's been really helpful that way. So A making things more intentional. B doing things that you love like those classes or just, you know, even taking a walk around the local little town center, you might meet someone who's also taking a little walk around the town center and you can be like, girl, your walking shoes are fire, right?

Speaker 1: (12:45)
Next thing you know, you're skipping together arm in arm. Just kidding. Um, but you have to be vulnerable enough to do that. And it took me like a while to get here and that sounds silly. It might sound silly to some people, but if you're following me and you have been through abuse, you probably can relate because we have an extra thing where um, we have insecurities that other people may not have, right? So we might feel like, oh, she's gonna think I'm a weirdo if I compliment her shoes and try to talk to her. She might think like, no, I mean I'd love someone to compliment my, my clouds. What are they called? I just ordered them. Adidas. Adidas cloud form. Is that it? I'm so excited. They're supposed to be lightweight and comfortable. So, um, message me in our group. If you're not in my group, by the way, it's in the show notes.

Speaker 1: (13:37)
I don't know the link offhand, but come join the group and get engaged. Facebook sucks and doesn't show group things in the feed very often. Like if you're a group and you're not paying for advertisement, like I'm not paying for ads. Um, if you're at all a business, they like shove you down in the algorithm. So join my group and engage. The more engaged you are, the more it'll show up and we can actually have discussions in there cuz it's kind of like birds chirp in there, tweet, but I mean, I guess birds chirping is better than total silence. No. Um, so tell me in there if you have cloud forms, okay, message me, DM me on Instagram. What am I on Instagram? I have to literally look at it. I think it's like fierce. Let me check it out. Lemme check it out. FierceChristyJade.

Speaker 1: (14:26)
That's my name on Instagram. If you're not following me there, what are you doing with your life? Come follow me. Um, I post all sorts of crap on there. I post my podcast apps, my personal shoes, um, some random dance videos, some narcissistic jokey kind of videos. So check me out. Check me how beaches, I'm in a weird mood this morning, as you can tell. Okay, so we talked about kind of putting that wall down, just making a decision to do it. Like that's courage, people you're afraid but you do it anyway. Okay? And then just getting those new friendships, how to, you know, get out in the world and find new little buddies and maintaining your old friendship friendships. This is something a lot of, I guess a lot of these people could be people you've kind of drifted from.

Speaker 1: (15:22)
Um, I'm more talking about people that I love to death and if they live close we'd probably hang out every week. But people have moved, like most my friends moved far and wide places, right? So those people, I do have it like I have carved out once a month I carve out a time where I reach out to somebody I haven't talked to in a while. It's just a thing I do to keep up with those friendships because I do value them. And before you know it, sometimes it's like six months have gone by and I haven't spoken to them. And it's always like one of those things where you talk and it's like, feels like no time has passed. So it's not the end of the world. But I don't like it to go so long and you know, I guess I'm, I'd say there's at least a handful of people that do not live near me.

Speaker 1: (16:16)
So I don't see frequently that are on rotation all must be dialed. Like, okay, yeah, it's time. Katie, this one's for you. If you're listening, like my friend Katie, she lives in Georgia. She has two kids, she's a lawyer, she's busy. I'm busy and I'll just be like, okay, I'm gonna either text her like, Hey, can you chat tomorrow at eight? Or sometimes I just call, um, and she's done the same. So that's just an example of carving out and you could put it on your calendar like every first of the month. You know, either text someone or set up to set up a time or just call and at least try to keep that ball going. You know, it's not always perfect. Sometimes we miss each other and it's another month. Um, but it's just something for me that's important because they are people I value and I want them to know I value them.

Speaker 1: (17:12)
And those deeper friendships I've had since like grade school or, well mostly I'd say mostly high school at this point. Mostly high school friends, um, or college friends. You know, there's history there and I do feel a connection and I don't want to, you know, lose touch with them to the point it's like, oh, it's been three years and I haven't spoken to you. Right? So that's just another thing. Maybe those friendships aren't that important to you or you already have a rhythm or you go on a girls trip once a year. That's another fun thing you can do plan trips to see these people again. During Covid I kind of fell off the earth as far as like big traveling. So now we're back to that. Um, so that is on my agenda. I have a lot of friends to visit . I have makeup for lost time, but that's on there.

Speaker 1: (18:05)
And even keeping this for me, I'm also like a d d. So I have lists everywhere. I forget, I'm like where am I? Who am I, what do I have to do? But keeping a list of like friends I wanna visit, you know, some of these would be day trips for me. Like I have a friend in Jersey actually, we were supposed to just hang out yesterday, but her daughter got sick. Um, she was gonna come to the zoo with the, or not the zoo, the aquarium, but her daughter got sick. So, but that's on. I did note in my mind like, okay, she didn't get to come down here so we should go visit in the next couple of months. Maybe we can make it out to Jersey, um, you know, for a quick weekend trip or whatever. So those are other things. Nurturing the relationships you have as well as finding the new ones.

Speaker 1: (18:53)
And just remember this whole thing. I think a lot of it is fears and insecurities. So do that mindset work. If you need help with that, I do that with my clients all of the time. That is a big thing. We do mindset work, kind of retraining the brain, that can be affirmations and other things. You know, having the deeper talks and digging up a little. Not everyone loves to do it, but if you want change again, ya, oh, that would've been good if I could have sang it the right way. You gonna have to make great changes to be a great change. , maybe I'm sleep deprived. My best friend said her favorite. Christy is a sleep deprived Christy, I'll leave you with that. Um, alright, so you guys, that's your homework. Go out there. I want you to think of one person that has maybe been on the outskirts that you don't know that well, but you'd like to get to know better and actually take the time to reach out and set a date without guilt.

Speaker 1: (19:52)
We should talk about that on another episode cuz this is like 20 minutes already. But I've talked to moms too recently that said they just have this guilt of spending the time with friends when they feel like they should with their family because they're, you know, they're at work all day and whatever. I'm telling you, we cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling a lack in the friendship area, it's gonna show up and you're gonna have maybe some underlying resentment, not like crazy, but I don't know if that's, that's kind of a strong word for it. But you really need that refresher through time with your girlfriends to also be a better mom, a better wife, a better whatever. I have found that when I am, like, when my cup is full of friendship, , that sounds so weird. Um, I'm just a better person all around. So there's your motivation. Let's chat. If you want to dive deeper

Speaker 2: (20:47)
With me, you can always grab a call with me at www.christiej.com/work with me and we can have a little call a little chatzky. All right, see you in the next episode.

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