But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

Does Your Narcissistic Ex Miss You?

Does Your Narcissist Ex Miss you? When you go no contact, or they dispose of you, are narcissists capable of missing you? Listen to this podcast episode to get the answer!
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Last episode we talked about going no contact. So I thought, well, why not talk about does your ex narcissist, whether it's romantic friend, family, do they miss you? So we're gonna touch on that in today's episode. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)I have had this question come up a lot. Does my narcissist ex whatever? Miss me. First of all, why do we wonder that? Because a good narcissist loves to keep us wondering, right? And we also know that they don't really function like healthy humans. So we get very confused by their emotions, by their communication. So they're confusing beings. We are left with many, many questions, aren't we? But I would love to clear this question up for you today. Okay, so do they miss you? It is somewhat of a complicated answer, but I'm gonna break it down. We are going to use an analogy. Yay. It's analogy time. Alright, we are going to compare this to a drug addict. Their drug and their dealer. You my friend, were their dealer. The energy they sucked out of you to build themselves up. The control they needed was their drug and they are the addict. Speaker 1: (02:30)So though this hurt me a lot to hear, and I know it hurts people when I talk to my clients about it, it's hurt. It's really hurtful, but it's something once you break through the pain of that, it's like such a relief and really empowering and helps you on your healing journey. But honestly, the narcissist, the drug addict, they don't miss the dealer. They don't miss you. They miss what you provided them, okay? You provided them the control they needed the energy they sucked out of you, right? For their own energy feed. You know, if you have studied narcissism, you know what I'm talking about. So the life they sucked out of you and to build themselves up, right? They miss that. They don't miss you as a person. And of course they miss how you made it easier to get their drug. But once they get a new dealer, let's say they move on in a relationship or if it's a friendship, you'll see they quickly move on to new people. Speaker 1: (03:26)That is a common thing with narcissists. Then they will dispose or stop coming after you, right? Because you know right away they freak out. They're like, oh my drug, my drug, I need my drug. Where's my dealer? And so they will claw you trying to get you back. They will try everything. They will try manipulation, they will try sweetness and flowers and cookies. Was that just me? And then they will get mad if you're not responding to it, not giving them what they want. And they will get angry. I mean, they try guilt trips. They try everything right in the beginning when you disconnect. It is very difficult. But if they get a new quote supply, as we call it that they can supply, deal them their drug, they will forget about you. That's if you get off lucky, it'll be a nice clean break. Speaker 1: (04:11)That's not often the case, but it can happen. So not to say it lasts forever. They may have a split from their new dealer and come back weeks, months, even years later, looking to see if you can give them what you need. If you're still there, if you, if they still have control of you and they will dress it up like it is you and that you are special. And I wanna stop and take a moment and say, you are special. You're a very special, beautiful flower, but you are not special to them. And that is the part that's like, ooh, I know it hurts. So I want you to repeat. I want like your hand on your heart and say I am special , okay? And we're getting cheesy here. I don't care because I want you to feel that you are special just because you're not special to them that means nothing. Speaker 1: (04:53)They don't know how to treat people, right? Nobody's special to them. It has nothing to do with you. They're incapable of appreciating special people. They're incapable of loving the way we do. Okay? So it's nothing to do with you. So I do just wanna stop and let you feel that and know that you are special. And it, that part has nothing to do with you, okay? They don't work like rational, healthy humans who know how to appreciate and love. Okay? So it's all about control to them. I actually have a little story, story time and Christie, this is just an example of how they do move on and get new supply. And then they, whether or not they have it or not like it, it might be kind of working but not as easy to get as it was from you. Maybe look, I'm an empath. Speaker 1: (05:39)Oh my heart strings, forget it. You, you get me with nostalgia. I'm yours. I'm putty in your hands, right? So one of my narcissists knew this about me, right? And I don't know if he had new supply or not, but probably a year or two after we disconnected, they reached out. I had not learned about narcissism. I didn't know really the whole situation. I knew it was toxic. I got out of it, but I didn't know it on a deeper level. And so I did fall prey again, okay? A little story time that not so proud of, but this can be part of our journey, right? So they had forgotten about me, but then they reached out out of nowhere saying they missed me and please could we get together? I had been so strong for so long, moved on and I think they doubted I would, right? Speaker 1: (06:28)But they were just testing. And I had a moment, I had a weak moment. I said, well maybe just for a short little friend leave, is it right? I asked when and what do you know? They said, ah, I'm actually pretty busy the next few months, few months . Okay? So in an instant though, a light bulb went off in my head and it, and it was hurtful, but it also was like, ah ha. And that's when I started to see this isn't about me. They didn't really miss me or they would've jumped at the chance. It was they were checking if they had control. I always will say this, right? There's two things narcissists do. They're either trying to get control of you or checking if they still have control of you. So they were checking if they still had it. I proved that, I guess they did have somewhat of control over me, but you know what? Speaker 1: (07:17)They could have it. I was so excited to be released , because they turn around, right? And were like, oh, I got control. Well that's cool. I don't really need to see you. I was just checking. So then basically it's another disposal. But I was there for it because I realized this is all about control. And now here's the proof, here is the proof. I did not feel special. It made me realize, no, they don't miss me. All that they just said is bs. I'm not special to them. And that hurt. But I also knew I was special. I feel like, what's that? Um, was that Saturday night Live? People like me, I'm special. I don't remember. But anyway, something cheesy that made me laugh years ago. And now I'm 43 in perimenopause and I don't know what's happening anymore in my life, but I do know what's happening with narcissists. Speaker 1: (08:01)Thank goodness for that. They don't miss you. They miss their supply or whatever you were giving them that they needed and they may move on and not need you anymore. And that's a really good thing actually. Okay? So I was happy to be released from the web. You know that web of the narcissist, it is sticky, it's awful. And though painful to like kind of know you're not special. It was painful, but it was liberating to realize it was never about me. That actually, as much as it can hurt, it can set you free. So it took time to believe though, just cuz I was not special to a narcissist didn't mean I was not special. I mean, there's a lot of confidence stuff that goes on, guys that we have to deal with, with narcissists. I mean, they do a really damaging job on our self-esteem. Speaker 1: (08:52)So it's taken a a while to build that up faster than I thought I could. Though I have gotten to a great spot, I still have my moments. I'm not gonna lie, I still have moments and that's okay. I'm so much better off and more free and more at peace. And it's just so much better on this side of the fence. Like I will, I will take it, I'll take, I'll take those little moments rather than walking every day trying to get validation and walking on eggshells. I know you know what I'm talking about. So, so it took a while to just accept like everyone else in this world, I am special and deserving. And worthy too, right? And I already had people, other people around me that did think I was special and important and valuable, you know? So open your eyes to that too. Speaker 1: (09:37)And also when you do disconnect from a narcissist, you do open yourself up and have more time for better people, more uplifting people, people that love you and don't wanna change you often, especially when we have gone through narcissistic abuse, we focus so much on who is not giving us what we need, wanting their validation that we ignore the people that do find us amazing. So does your narcissist ex-spouse, partner, friend, family member miss you? Nope. No. It is always about them and their needs. But you are freaking awesome and special to others and to yourself and to the big man upstairs. What? Yes, if you're a God person, that is important, remind yourself of that every single day if you're not, and be important to you or whatever higher power you feel a part of, because we're not put here to suffer and we are valuable every single one of us. Speaker 1: (10:41)So it is time to let go of anybody who makes you question yourself. Anybody? You with me? Good. You need to be appreciated. You are worthy of great things and you are special. You're just one of us Queens. Welcome to the club. All right, see you on the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christyade fun.

The Benefits and Challenges of Going NO CONTACT with a Narcissist

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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Yes, Queens. On today's episode, we are going to talk about going no contact. Ooh, this is my fire. I love this, but I know it can be difficult. So we're gonna talk about the challenges and the benefits. And on Thursday we're gonna talk about does your ex miss you during the no contact period? Ooh, ooh, the suspense. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:47)First things first. I never list. Now that's not it. First things first, how to go no contact. Okay, so this is I I mean it's pretty simple. No contact as far as what it actually means. It's very straightforward. It is going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you know you are going to be a healthier being if you do not have contact with them. If you absolutely cannot and you are co-parenting or something of this sort, you have to go to my Gray Rock method episode. I will link it below. I think it's episode five, but not sure. So I will link it, um, in my show notes. Alright, so going no contact. First of all, narcissist. Uh, they can really deflect. They can twist things. You know, they're manipulators. So one thing you have to be is very, very, very clear in what your decision is. Speaker 1: (02:37)You have to communicate this to them. You cannot do it all. If you're that strong, more power to you, as I've learned, I think it's more beneficial to state very clearly and simply what it is. So I, you could say something like, I am no longer going to be in communication with you of any kind. Please do not contact me. Now the next one, block all forms of communication. You're saying you do not want to contact them. You have made this decision, you need to mean it. And what helps you do that is blocking them. That can feel awful inside. Blocking seems like a really horrible thing, but horrible people, horrible decisions sometimes result in things that are not so comfortable that we are put in a situation where we have to do them. Such as blocking. It is not to be mean to somebody else. Speaker 1: (03:28)It is blocking to protect your peace. If you are on this journey or, and you're saying, I really want peace, I really wanna be fully disconnected from this person, then this truly is the way to ensure that obviously blocking their email, blocking their calls, blocking their texts, blocking their messenger. What are we in 1999? AOL Messenger? No, but any of the messenger apps on Facebook, Gmail, TikTok, wherever you are, all the social medias, whatever way there is a way for them to contact you, put a wall between you because you no longer want that communication. Right? Right. You ha, I'm telling you, you have to really mean it for this to work. Another reminder is to avoid triggering situations because this can can make us waiver where we're feeling strong and we're like, yeah, look at me. I block that mouth all over town. Everywhere. Speaker 1: (04:21)Yeah. And then we get into a triggering situation and all of a sudden we get that little softer side coming out. We're like, oh man, well maybe, maybe I should just unblock to know if they, if there's an emergency or to know, I mean they might. Maybe they're having a hard time. We start to go down a spiral. So try to avoid triggering situations that could lead to that where your heart strings feel tugged at. Don't be going looking at your cute little memories in your photo albums. Does anyone even have photo albums? I am showing my age. I'm 43. I might have some photo albums. Okay, don't go scrolling in your Facebook memories. Is that more modern and up to date peeps? I said peeps to be cool, but you get my point. Don't put yourself in triggering situations. That could be, oh, reaching out to their sister. Speaker 1: (05:13)You're just checking in to see how she is. No, maybe you're just reaching because you are missing them even though it may seem wrong. This is natural that we miss people even when we decide to cut them out of their lives. So it's like having a little access to the person. Maybe you're asking their cousin, oh, have you seen Dean? How's he doing? That's a triggering situation cuz they're gonna start talking about, oh well actually his cat passed away. And then you're like, oh, I should unblock my all my stuff so I can just real quick tell him I'm sorry his cat died. Right? No, stay locked up like a box. Alright, the fourth thing in this part here is focusing on self-care. This is a huge part and you can go back through a couple of my episodes that talk about self-care, how I really in my start of this journey when I disconnected what I did to help myself. Speaker 1: (06:10)But self-care is so important just to name a couple of things. Get your exercise, get your sleep, get support. This is so important. I could not have done my journey after the disconnect. Not even just through it, but after, cuz it's a whole new life. It's a whole, I mean it's a recreation of yourself. I could not have done that without support. So if you do want to work with me, I will mention this. I starting in about a month or so, I'm gonna be doing part-time. So I do have a couple of spots open if you wanna work with me. I will put a link again in the show notes. If you are looking to just have one call or have you know several, um, you can get like package deals. So I will put those below. But you really, really should have support again with somebody who understands narcissism. Speaker 1: (07:00)I cannot say that enough, whether it's me or somebody else, someone who gets narcissism. So self-care includes getting support and help. Alright, so let's talk about those challenges of going no contact. Ah, okay. The guilt is really y'all. Let's just start with the biggest one for, I mean that was huge. I had such guilt and it did not help that family members laid on bigger guilt onto me or you. Let's say you're in a romantic situation and maybe it's your in-laws or your friends even, right? Your friends have so much with you and your partner and you all are buddies and hang out all the time and they don't want that to end. They may even guilt you. So you have your own guilt on top of other people's guilt on top of, of course the narcissist guilt. Cuz you know dang well they are going to throw their guilt all up in that, right? Speaker 1: (07:51)So that is especially why I needed the support I did. The guilt was literally like eating me alive. It was really getting to me. Another challenge is loneliness and isolation. First of all, if this is especially like in romantic situations, a lot of times the narcissists will isolate you so you are dependent on them, right? We got the codependency thing thing going. So when, and if you get to have the glory of disconnecting from a narcissist, you feel great and free, but you also are on the other side and you could be lonely because you have been isolated, you have been manipulated into isolating yourself from your friends, from your family, and it's hard enough to deal with any breakup. You're going to feel lonely in ways, right? Because you're used to having this person, especially in narcissistic situations. If you are an empath with a narcissist, you are codependent. Speaker 1: (08:46)That's just gonna happen. And now you have to untether those cords that have been tied for X amount of time depending on your situation. So you've got loneliness and isolation to deal with. Again, why you need support. The third one is potential backlash from the narcissist. And this is tough and I do wanna recommend, I always will put the, um, hotline number, the domestic abuse hotline. I mentioned this now because hopefully the narcissist in your life is not violent. If they are, I do suggest getting support and also calling the hotline number to guide you if there is any sort of dangerous situation you are in, aside from dangerous situation, just narcissist in general, you're gonna get backlash, you're gonna get guilt, you're gonna get maybe name calling. They'll, they will go through a variety of their own emotions. So they may try to win you with being sweet and then when that doesn't work, they may get angry and call you names, then they may threaten you. Speaker 1: (09:43)Then they may do a smear campaign where they are telling other people bad things about you. So there is potential for that backlash again, why you need support . So I know it's like I'm repeating myself, but I really wouldn't have been where I am today without support. It's, it's just my piece was worth every penny. So the last thing here in the challenges is dealing with the trauma that was already there. You are already dealing with trauma. So the good news is this is the start of your healing. When you stay in a situation, you're, you can't heal when you're still in the situation, you can't heal. So that's the good news. You are starting the healing, but you do have to deal with it. So you may have to do therapy, you may have to kind of dig down and see, well what led me to this? Speaker 1: (10:27)How can I avoid situations like this in the future? All of that stuff, which I actually will be putting out a chorus soon. I am so excited about how to avoid narcissistic relationships like ever getting them again. We love that. So I'm really excited about that. So you're gonna deal with that trauma. So it's also the healing. What can you do to heal? That's stuff I work on with clients all the time. There's yin yoga, there's journaling, there's meditation, there's a billion ways to deal with the trauma. I do suggest therapy. I do suggest mindset work, physical work, taking care of yourself as far as your diet and health, all of that. So yes, with anything like this, there's going to be challenges, but I am telling you from my experience, from my client's experiences, the benefits of going no contact and cutting, like truly disconnecting from a narcissist is so worth any challenge. Speaker 1: (11:20)So the first one is regaining control of your life. Being able to not have to walk on eggshells. Being able to make your own decisions, not worrying about what the other person has to think or say. And you know, I know relationships are a compromise, but if you're in a narcissistic situation, you know what I mean, it is like you can't do anything, right? They want you co-dependent on them. They're gonna decide everything for you. And it's, it's really a stressful way to live. So you get to regain control of you. I, I call it you 2.0. Like look, you get to get your life back, right? This isn't just like normal healthy relationships where of course you're gonna compromise, you're gonna change, uh, dynamics change, that's life, right? You have kids, things change. If you're in a narcissistic situation, you know, it goes a lot deeper and I want you to be free of that. Speaker 1: (12:15)The second is healing from the trauma. So we talked about dealing, but you get to heal. So this is your time. You actually get to feel really good and start your mind, body, spirit, all that good stuff. You get to start off on a new track and you really get to start deciding and creating your own life. Like decide is, I love that word because you are deciding, I, I made a decision to get out of this and now I'm deciding who I wanna be now. And in our childhood it's, it's really hard. We have to listen to our parents and we're born into certain situations and there's something beautiful about starting over when you're a little bit older. Like for me, I mean I was like, gosh, 38, 37, 38 when I started to really unravel and see like, wow, I can actually do things my way, how I want in my life. Speaker 1: (13:10)And I felt really free and it's been like a dream. Like I'm creating, I'm still creating it, but I'm still, I'm like creating this dream life that I never thought I could have. And like, God, I want that for you guys. So just have hope. Hold on to that. Hope that you can do that. And it takes some time, but it's quicker than you think. Especially if you have support, especially with me cuz we move fast. I don't like to wait for stuff. I'm a Taurus, I'm going places, I'm running, like we got things to do. We're not gonna like shrivel up and sit and waiver in the past. And I'm not, I'm not doing toxic positivity where it's like, oh, forget it happened. Like, we sit in it a little bit, we have some tears, we do some stuff, but we also say, well I have this pain and I'm not gonna let it dictate my life. Speaker 1: (13:54)I'm not gonna let it take over my life anymore and I'm going to use it as a fire under my butt to have the most amazing life I can cuz I still can, despite everything I can, I'm telling you. So sorry, I get real passionate about that . All right. Now building healthier relationships is a third thing. This is, like I said, I'm gonna build a course around this because this is so important. Not just with romantic relationships though, really one of the beautiful things in my life is when I cut out a specific narcissist out of my life, it just opened my eyes to like, wow, that relationship really took over and I really let that person get away with a lot and I don't wanna do that anymore. And there are other people in my life that even if they're not narcissists, that just the relationships don't really work for me and I've put up with some crap that I really shouldn't, and I see things in a whole new way. Speaker 1: (14:52)It really lifted the veil off. I will say that can be hard because it's, it's almost like once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? And you're like, dang, Gina. Um, so, you know, with everything there, there's an upside and a downside. But the upside was amazing because I did clear out a couple of friendships from my life and I, you know, I wish them well. There's not like hard feelings, but there were certain things that just weren't sitting well in my body and I didn't feel good about. And it's not like I didn't value our past experiences and we had some great times, but there was just some that was not working anymore because I had a new perspective in life. So it's setting new standards for yourself, for your life, new boundaries, all of that, and building healthy relationships. And when you clear out some of those, which you may, it leaves room for people that you didn't even know existed, right? Speaker 1: (15:48)There's people out there that are really supportive and positive and not negative and not draining, and you don't have to walk on eggshells around. And that was really, really cool for me to experience. All right, the last thing here is improving your mental health kind of with the healing from trauma. It's, it's such an amazing feeling when you start to get your confidence back when you're building this 2.0 version of yourself. It is, it's magical. And I know I sound cheesy, but welcome to me it's just this magical experience of, of empowerment. I mean, that's the only, that's such an overused word, but I, for the first time in my life, and the, and this is just in the last few years, you guys, the first time in my life, I actually feel powerful over my own life and my own choices. And it's, it's just, it's inexplicable. Speaker 1: (16:42)And again, I want you guys to experience that. All right? So I also really want you guys to meet other like-minded people. So this is a reminder that I have a Facebook group for women only on Facebook. I always link it in my show notes, but join that. You will get a free gift from me there. But you can also build community on that page of other women going through what you have going, what you know, whatever stage you're in, there's people in there that have gone through it as well. So I'd love you to join that page. So in conclusion, we'll have a little recap. We talked about how to go no contact, the challenges of going no-contact, the benefits which far outweigh the challenges. I'm telling you of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is a different story. I want you to call that 800 hotline in the show notes and really prioritize your self-care and your healing and yourself and get the support you need. Speaker 1: (17:38)I am here. There's therapists out there again, there is that domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to be physically abused to use that phone number, okay? Just a reminder that going no contact, it is a brave and empowering choice. And it might be scary and it might feel crazy and it may still be hard to do. You might have done it a year ago, but you get sucked back in here and there. I get it. I have been there. I understand it is a very, very hard thing to do. The fact you try or trying it all shows your strength. So keep fighting for this. And if you need to replay this 11 times to help, just do that. Whatever you gotta do, reach out to me. You can always email me my emails in the show notes too. And remember, you are brave. You are amazing. And dang girl, you are beautiful. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www. christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

How to Beat Narcissist at Their Own Game

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TRANSCRIPT:
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello. So the last episode, we talked about the signs of gaslighting, and today we're gonna talk about if you're being gas lit, five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, does that narcissist got you down? They often use gaslighting as a tactic to take control, right? So I'm gonna talk about five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. First of all, stand firm in your truth. This is where they can make you feel so crazy. You've got to really be confident in the truth and know, okay, this is a narcissist, or this is a person who is trying to gain control so they will go to any length to make me be convinced that their story is the truth and mine is not okay. So you have to stand really firm in that and don't waiver in your conversations with them and even just in your own mind. Number two, and I preface this with, I come from a family of lawyers. Everyone is very big on documenting everything, writing everything down. Speaker 1: (02:29)It has saved me in many a situation. I mean, legally, personally, I, I write everything down and I, with narcissist specifically, I'm going to say, I've said it before, I am very passionate about this. If you are in, let's say, a co-parenting situation with a narcissist, do not have calls on the phone. If possible, have everything through email and through text. You can go through your lawyers and, um, ask them to make this an, you know, an addendum or add it to your, um, you know, custody papers. You should not have to contact them or them contact you about anything other than your children if it is a custody situation. Cuz in my mind, if you can avoid being in touch with a narcissist at all, we'd love to avoid that. So these situations, you're forced. If you do have someone in your family, you do not feel ready to disconnect totally from, or you have a boss or coworker that you think may be a narcissist, these are ways to help you. Speaker 1: (03:33)I of course, will always say, if you can get away from the narcissist, get away from the narcissist. That's the only way to really beat the narcissist . Okay, so we talked about standing in your truth and writing it down, right? Seriously, I take no risks with the narcissist and of course deal with them as little as possible. That being said, number three is that contact should be short and sweet. So if you do have to have the contact, make it clear and short. You don't have to make it sweet, actually, depending on your situation, you can just be clear and short. I would say also be firm. Like I say, stand in your truth. Don't add fluff. Don't try to use emotion to get them to be compassionate. Sometimes we can do that. Sometimes with narcissists we think, oh, maybe if I explain my feelings deeper or how much they're hurting me, no. Speaker 1: (04:24)First of all, they eat that up for supper. They love it, they want that, but also it won't work on them. Okay? Keep your emotions, that whole emotional part to yourself. Guard it with a cage . This is what we call the gray rock method. This is part of it at least, which in it's episode five, I believe on my podcast, goes deeper into the gray rock method. I will link that in the show notes. Um, but basically it's keeping things short and sweet. The gray rock is representative of just blending in, not letting them get a rise out of you not having emotion. Basically, you're a gray rock, and over time they tend to lose interest. And if you don't take their bait, it, it's kind of like they back off there can, you know, there can be patterns of them coming and, and checking to see if they still have control. Speaker 1: (05:16)Like, oh, maybe the gray rock misses me or whatever. But in general, it is a really great method that I have used myself and swear by. This is an important one. And I would say this is definitely hard when you have been, especially if you've been in a situation with a narcissist for a long time, and it's a close intimate relationship, whether it's romantic friendship, family ship, and even if you've been under the same boss for, you know, 10 years, they can have such a hold on you that you are terrified to rattle the cage. You walk on eggshells and I am giving you permission to leave without guilt. And this can look like leaving a conversation. This can look like leaving the relationship. This I know for some will be harder to hear or harder to do than others, but I am here to tell you I was, I was in a situation like that for so long where I was terrified and it wasn't just the narcissist that I was terrified of. Speaker 1: (06:22)It was the other people in our lives that guilt tripped me or me trying to disconnect from this person, right? So you can get guilt from multiple angles and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and that's why I'm a big advocate of getting support through me, through a therapist, whatever it is in your situation, because you really do. I got support during my situation. And yeah, I definitely think you need support when you are leaving a situation completely. But I'm also saying if you're in a conversation and you feel uncomfortable or you feel like they're manipulating you or you feel like you're getting sucked in, you're taking the bait, they are twisting things around, you are allowed to, I mean, take a breath, count to five and just say, I need to go. Whether it's on the phone, you hang up whether you are with them and you, you, you can call it Uber if I mean you, I know you're in like different situations sometimes where you feel like you might be stuck, you're not stuck, you are not stuck. Speaker 1: (07:27)And if it is a, um, dangerous or violent situation, please call the domestic abuse hotline. And that phone number is, um, in the show notes. But the best way to outsmart a gas lighter or a narcissist is to disengage. It's the gray rock. It's the not taking the bait. It's no longer walking on eggshells. It's being in your truth and it's disengaging. The second you feel that visceral reaction of this isn't right. I mean, your body speaks to you. So get familiar with your body. That's why you need those meditations. Go grab my four minute mood boost meditation. Just getting in touch with your body will help you so much when you are trying to just follow your intuition through narcissistic abuse. It's almost like we can, we can lose our own intuition. We can lose our own identity. We have been literally living in fear of someone else or for someone else depending on your situation. Speaker 1: (08:30)Um, so it's crazy stuff, but that's why you need support. So if you want to work with me, um, again, all my information is in the show notes. You can email me. That's probably the best way to do it. Um, so we can talk about in what way. There are different packages I have for coaching. Um, I do yoga and yin yoga really, really helps support the mind body balance. And I just did a couple episodes last week if you wanna listen to those that go in into more about yin yoga. So getting support, whether it's, you know, kind of talk therapy, coaching, yoga, you really need something if you are going through this. The post narcissistic abuse situation is real . Unfortunately, I've gone through it and I just, that's what I, why I do what I do. I I just want to help you guys accelerate through your healing and be strong enough to stay disconnected, to be strong enough and intuitive enough to recognize signs and to be able to not get into these situations, whether it's romantic, whether it's in the workplace, whether it's friendships to break the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (09:38)And you guys can do it. Um, you know, you ju just might need some guidance. That's, that's how I got here. I got guidance. I did a lot, had a lot of education, did a lot of research and my own experience, and I'm so passionate about it and I want, I want to help you. So I am here for you. Please email me and I will talk to you in the next episode. Don't forget, you are worthy of feeling good. You're not supposed to suffer and you're not crazy. You know the truth. Listen to your intuition. Get quiet enough to listen to yourself and start trusting yourself again. All right? See you in the next episode.

What is Gaslighting? The Narcissist’s Favorite 8 Ways to Drive You Crazy

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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about gaslighting. It is a buzzword, especially over the last few years. So we're gonna dive into it and maybe you're wondering, am I being gaslit? What are the signs of gaslighting? I will let you know. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.Christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)So there are several, several ways that you can be gaslit by a narcissist or, I mean, gaslighting can be a tactic used by people who are not narcissists, but narcissists definitely use a lot of these ways to get what they want. So number one, that is a pretty clear sign, especially if it's a pattern, is getting super defensive when you are just having a normal conversation asking a normal question that they will then turn against you. We'll get into that too. But watching their body language, seeing their response and their defensiveness when you are going about a normal conversation or a normal question, is definitely a sign. Number two, complete denial. They know it did happen, but they're so convincing they can make you believe that it did not. Um, especially over time, like you can really start to feel cuckoo. Like wait, they're so convincing. Speaker 1: (02:40)They look like they believe it honestly. They usually do not believe it, but they are so hellbent on being right and not being wrong that they will even try to convince themselves of another story or in the moment just defend, defend so much so that you start questioning yourself and then they take advantage of that and they can get you to agree with what they're saying or even twisting the story, which is comes to our next. Number three is twisting the story. May like, they're like, maybe it happened, but it's not, it's not what you remember, but you know the truth. Like you're there going, wait, I was there, I remember this happen. And they have this way of twisting the stories, twisting the narrative. They may twist the blame. Well, often they do twist the blame. That's very common, right? So a lot of twisting going on, twisting the story, twisting the blame. Speaker 1: (03:38)And that leads to the next one, which is the reversal. So they reverse everything. Like you come to them with, you know, maybe a request, maybe a boundary, maybe getting further information on something. It could be in conflict, it could not. But once they get that defense up, like we talk about number one, they will what I call the reversal, they will reverse it and deflect away from them having the accountability, right? So that again, it'll make you feel crazy. And then you're on the defense, right? So they are purposely reversing it. So then you're on the defense, you have to defense yourself and it gets away from the original problem that you brought to their attention. And they can do this even by just saying things like, oh, you're crazy or you're dramatic, or Remember when you did this or I was just joking and then you came back at me in, in upset, but I was just joking, right? Speaker 1: (04:36)There's so many different ways that they can do this reversal, but in general, look out for whenever you go to them to talk about something, does it get turned back on you? That is another very clear sign that you're being gaslit. Number five, shaming you for bringing something up. They can, yes, they can make you feel bad about it, like the reversal, they can deny it, but they can also shame you and go into a victim mode and you know, start to make you feel bad. And maybe they say something like, I was just trying to help but you, you know, deep down, like it's not helpful. But I was just trying to help and I was just, oh little, oh me little, oh in all innocent me. But they're not innocent. They are vindictive, they're intentional with what they're doing. And now they're going to shame you for bringing something up because they need the blame to get away from them. Speaker 1: (05:31)Similar thing with number six, dismissing your feelings. When you bring something up, it doesn't matter. It's almost as if their feelings are the only feelings that matter. That is how it feels to be with a narcissist. They will guilt you and do all that other stuff. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself, does this person seem to value my feelings? Sit with that. If no, they don't seem to ever care about your feelings and they do all these things to dismiss your feelings and to get it back to where they're in a good light and maybe you're in a bad light, that is not cool. That's another sign. Number seven, in general, narcissists do not apologize. It is rare. There's certain situations, and this is where it can get tricky and that's why, you know, if you work with me or one of my clients, that is something that it's much easier on a customized basis to be like, for me to be able to help with because I can hear the language and people can talk me through what they're experiencing and I can, you know, really have an understanding of, okay, this person is, is not sincerely apologetic, right? Speaker 1: (06:40)There's ways and you can learn it yourself too. But I've, I've been through years and years of this education and in my own life that I can really detect it. But just to give a general overview, they generally don't apologize. Like I said, they'll turn things around on you if they do apologize, it would be something, the language could be something like, well, I'm, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or I'm sorry you perceived it that way. I'm sorry you, I'm sorry you. Or if they're really desperate, they, they can do a whole crocodile to your sincere sounding apology. So that's where it can get tricky. But I trust my gut on this a lot too in my, in my past experiences of does this feel like they're just trying to get what they want? Or does it feel like a bulb has gone off in their head? Speaker 1: (07:25)Sometimes? In the beginning of all this, the only way to know that is to see the actions that happen after. So sometimes I know a lot of us don't wanna have regrets. We don't wanna maybe kick people out of our lives without knowing. Well, maybe they were sorry. You don't give a million chances though, right? It's like if they're sorry, they're going to change that behavior because they want to make you happy and they don't want to act that way. Narcissists, they won't. So that's, that is a sign. If after they say they're sorry and the crocodile tears come pouring out and they're gonna do this and they make promises or whatever, it's lip service and the stuff keeps happening. That is your sign Honey bunny. That's it. They, they're not changing for me. More important than an apology though I value on it's nice. Speaker 1: (08:11)But more important to me is the changed behavior after the apology. Okay? So that is a sign though. If in general they really don't apologize, that can definitely be a sign. The number eight, playing the victim. So, well, what about me, right? Like if you're having a conversation and you bring something up and the other person says, what about me and my feelings? That is not necessarily a bad sign. I think it's human nature for us to also wanna feel seen and heard, right? So the difference is if this person is never taking accountability at all and then saying like, oh, what about me and my feelings and did it right? But they're never saying sorry, they're never taking accountability. That is also a sign in a normal relationship, you have a conversation, you share your feelings. Could there be defense or upset? Yes, we're human. Speaker 1: (09:03)So you have to understand the difference of that. And not calling everyone a narcissist that gets defensive or feels like a victim. Cuz sometimes people have insecurities, but is to look for the patterns and also the shared accountability. And that doesn't mean every situation, both people are quote at fault. But over time in your relationship, whether it's romantic or friendship or family ship, whatever, is family ship a word? I don't know. I like it. Whatever it is though. Does the other person ever say, yeah, I really hear you. I see how that could have been taken that way. I'm really sorry. Yeah, another time they might be like, you know, I just don't see it that way. We're gonna have to agree to disagree. I don't, I don't see it that way. Yes, but the narcissist will continually in a pattern, play the victim, not take accountability, maybe apologize, but there is no change to behavior. Speaker 1: (09:52)So those are eight signs. There, there are more. But these, this gives you like a really good starting point. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I have an opening right now. I will say coming up to the end of the school year, I will not be taking on private clients after mid-June except the ones who are grandfathered in that I'm already working with. So if you have been wanting to work with me, you might wanna get in there cuz I have a tight schedule and, uh, with my daughter being home for, for summer, I will be home with her and just working, uh, more of a part-time schedule. So look in the show notes if you'd like to see how to work with me. My website information is on there, my emails down there. You can join my free Facebook group for victims of narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (10:43)There are women in there who aren't sure if it's narcissistic abuse, but they've been mistreated and it's, it's just a really good place to hang out and work on thriving together. I have started putting little mini videos in there and, um, I do v i p pricing and stuff in there and on my email list, if you're not on my email list, definitely sign up. I have a four minute meditation. When you sign up for that, you start getting like my newsletters and emails again with v i p pricing and little golden nuggets. My videos will be coming soon through email as well. So if you wanna get more Christy Jade in your life, you can do it by either joining that Facebook group or signing up for the meditation. And then you'll be on my email list and we will end with your feelings matter. Okay? You deserve to feel valued and heard and your voice matters and you are a beauty queen. All right, we'll see you in the next episode.

5 Ways to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse

Whether you are connected or disconnected from your narcissist, they can still have major effects on you! Here are 5 quick yet effective tips to heal and calm your mind and body.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Whether you are still connected or disconnected from a narcissist, they can still have power over you. They can trigger you, whether it's in the conversations with them or thinking back on your situation. A lot of triggers can come up. They get in those nooks and crannies and they bring out our insecurities. They make us feel cuckoo bananas, as my grandma used to say. I use other words. So we are going to talk about five quick ways and ways that I definitely used and still use when I am feeling triggered. It still happens in my journey too. You're not alone. Speaker 1: (00:39)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:59)When we feel triggered and emotional, we want a quick fix. Can I get an amen? So I have found these five things to be the best. They're not the only methods or techniques to use, but these are five that I use and I love. So number one is yin yoga. I discovered this a few years ago and now I teach yin yoga cuz I love it that much. And I do classes, I do one-on-one sessions. But in the moment, even when you are having this kind of visceral reaction to a narcissist or to memories of a narcissist or things that are brought up because of a narcissist, it is so helpful to even just hold a yin yoga position for a few minutes. Yin yoga is so good at releasing the negative, really just, ugh, that awful energy you carry when you're getting triggered. And yin yoga, for me, I, I love all yogas, but yin yoga is my jam. Speaker 1: (02:57)It gets into the deep, deep parts physically and mentally that for me, other yogas did not reach. So I am a big advocate. It is, you don't need to be flexible, you don't need to be advanced in yoga. It is so simple, but so freeing. So with my coaching clients now, I do provide sequences, like customized sequences for them. It's all related to releasing trauma, releasing those negative energies, stagnant crap that's sitting in our bodies. And you can go online, you can find different things. If you sign up with me for coaching, I will create a sequence for you. I also, I'll put in the show notes. I have a YouTube class up. Um, I just made it public so I could share it with you guys. If you want an example, there's like a 45 minute letting go of, of negative energy sequence that I do on there. Speaker 1: (03:50)So you can check that out on my YouTube channel. But in the meantime, you can always go look up, um, yin yoga poses or yoga poses even that are related to releasing negative energy, having to do a trauma, any of that. But if you want something more specific, you can email me at fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com if you want to, you know, get something more customized. Number two, meditation and breath work. So I put these together because with trauma they are an amazing pair. Meditation does not have to be some crazy long exercise, right? It can be beautiful. I mean, I've done some long meditations and been like, whoa, the Holy Spirit just spoke to me. But you, this can be like a very quick few minute activation exercise, whatever you wanna call it. And it might take a little practice to get there where it's, you can drop into that quiet place and cut out the distractions, but you will get there and it's more quickly than you think. Speaker 1: (04:52)So if you pair this with breath work or even just doing the 4 78 technique, which I'll explain in a minute, it will make a big energy shift. So you can do them separately, but together they're so powerful. Just getting in a really quiet space. So you're kind of calming the body down and doing then like stepping into the actual breath work. So for the 4, 7, 8 technique, you breathe in for four seconds through your nose, you hold it for seven seconds and you exhale for eight and you repeat this until you feel like a calm little piece frog. I love this. It's a quick thing. I have taught my daughter to do it. I've taught friends to do it. I've taught my coaching clients to do it. It's so simple, but it really, really does just get you kind of out of your head and breaks that cycle. Speaker 1: (05:43)By the way, if you don't have my four minute meditation, it's a morning boost. I call it meditation. One of my client's favorite meditations I've created. If you don't have it, I will put that in the show notes. That is something you should be doing every morning. It's free. Just go grab it every morning to start your day off. You have four minutes, everyone's got four minutes. If you don't wake up four minutes earlier, it is worth it. I promise. When you start your day in that head space in a peaceful, calm, uplifting, it's a little empowering mind specifically, um, it just sets you off in a better mood. So that like anything coming in that day, anything negative, any stress, it will feel a little lighter. And if you want to, you know, do meditation throughout the day or at night, of course that's gonna amplify your results. Speaker 1: (06:34)But just doing that four minute meditation alone has changed my clients whole day, their energy and ah, I just love it. So that will be in the show notes. We have a lot of things in the show notes today cuz these are all tools and techniques and resources I have. Number three is journaling a plain notebook. We'll do get yourself a cute little pen, cute little notepad, making fun. But get those feelings out. Writing can really help release a lot of pen up, sadness, anger, resentment, any of those fun feelings as a result of narcissistic abuse. Yay. So just get it down on paper. I also created a not My journal, it's called hashtag not My. Um, that's my little coined phrase because as I went on this journey, I realized how much stuff I was carrying that was not mine to carry. Speaker 1: (07:26)And that was a result of, you know, abuse and mistreatment. And we learned to take on others crap that specifically narcissist who we were the victim of. But also we learned that as a behavior that it's almost just comfortable taking on feelings that really don't belong to us. We should not have to carry through our lives. So I created a notebook, and again, I'll put that in the show notes. You can get it on Amazon, but basically it has prompts for every day, every morning to basically just blah, drop those feelings into this notebook. And it's in four little, each page has four little sections. It, it just feels so good to get this stuff off your chest and start your day fresh. So fresh and so clean. Clean. Let's bring it back to the nineties. Was that nineties or two thousands? Number four is mirror work Mirror. Speaker 1: (08:17)I still have my mom's new yorken. Me Mira, it's m i r a Mira No mi rohr work . Can someone say that word right for me? So the premise with this is that you learn to love yourself by directly looking in your own eyes in the mirror and declaring your love. Mm-hmm. . Yeah, Queens. We're about to get crazy up in here, okay? But there is a book actually that talks about this. It's called Mirror Work, 21 Days to Heal Your Life. So Powerful. I will put that book in. Uh, it's from from Amazon as well. You can get it there. I'll put in the show notes. But in the meantime you can just practice saying, I love you in the mirror every morning. I know it sounds a little kooky, but if you wanna go deeper, this book will help you kind of dig up some stuff and looking in the mirror. Speaker 1: (09:07)Truly, this is so powerful, actually more powerful than I thought it was. I was like, oh, I guess it'll be nice. Let me read the book, see how it goes. It's actually really, really powerful and healing. So I know that's a longer term thing to read the book, but in the short term, and just, if you're having a moment just getting to a mirror and looking at yourself in your eyes and you can do affirmations, you can, you know, declare that self-love. You can say, I am worthy this person's feelings and these person's actions do not determine my emotions and my actions. Right? That's huge. That's a huge thing. So saying that on repeat will help you alone. Number six, support. So any kind of support, but support is necessary when healing from narcissistic abuse. This is my opinion, but I'm gonna scream it through the hill, through the hilltops at the, oh no, on top of the hilltops, on top of the hills. Speaker 1: (10:04)I'm gonna scream it somewhere. It's gonna be loud and crazy cuz that's the Italian stallion in enemy. No, I am telling you, you cannot walk this path alone. You should not have to. You shouldn't, you can, but it's, it's gonna take longer to heal and it's, it's gonna be hard, right? It's hard enough even with support, it's doable. I've come so far and I have many clients who we have walked through this together and they are doing amazing. So it's doable, but I'm telling you, without support, it is a lot harder and a lot slower. So therapy is awesome. One benefit of working with me is I give you Voxer access. So if you're having a moment, you can vent it to me on a voice message through Voxer, and I check a couple times a day, usually more so I can jump in there and can help coach you through it. Speaker 1: (10:57)Whether that is talk therapy, reminding you of a great way to break this cycle. Like we're talking about these tools here, or reminding you what a badass queen you are, but having support from someone and the accountability to stick to your healing journey. That might sound silly, but it is a journey and it is a decision. And it's, it's just like anything else when you choose like, I'm gonna start this exercise program, I'm going to eat healthier, right? This is just that in a mental health form, you're working on your mental health and accountability is also huge. So it's the support slash accountability. So if you wanna find ways to work with me, they're in my show notes. You can go to my website, um, you can always email me again, fierce mama c gmail.com with any questions, but you should not walk this alone. Speaker 1: (11:47)And I have a very deep understanding of narcissism. And as I always recommend, even if you don't work with me, find someone who truly understands it and has been a victim themselves of narcissistic abuse and walk through that. I, I feel like I always may get flack for saying that because there are people who study this and don't have the experience. And just from me living through it, I know what it takes to truly understand it in a way that other people don't. So even if it's not me, find somebody who gets narcissistic abuse and has actually walked through it. So let's recap. Five awesome quick ways to heal When you are triggered are yin yoga poses, meditation and breath work, journaling, mirror work, and of course getting that support. All the information will be in the show notes. And let's end with some affirmations. Speaker 1: (12:45)You know, I love me some affirmations. Okay, hand on heart, take a breath. If you, if you're driving, don't touch your heart that you need to touch the steering wheel, okay? But if you are not and you are in a, a safe, calm place, , put your hands on your heart, shut your eyes. And I want you to feel this. You can write it down and add it to your morning affirmations. Okay? I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Let's do it another time. I'm in the mood for a little extra. I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Ugh. How's that feel? Yes. Okay, I will see you in the next episode. Have a wonderful week. And again, all this information is always in my show notes in the podcast description, smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka a the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade fun.

Finding Healthy Friends as an Adult

This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, has been hurt or insecure in friendships and is struggling to find true friendship later in life.
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)What's up? Welcome to, but still she thrives. It's Christy. We're gonna have like a kickback. Let's just be real. Let's be transparent and let's talk about something that more than just people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse can relate to today. And that topic is how it can be hard to make or maintain friendships as we get older. And yes, having abuse in your childhood or even in your relationships can have an impact. We'll talk about that and then we'll just talk about how certain situations with friends can really have an impact on future friendships. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or at pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)Honestly, this episode, I just wanted to be very forthcoming. I wanted to open up a little, you can get to know me a little better and just how certain things have affected me in my life, in friendships, um, not just relationships or not just related to narcissism. I thought I'd just have a very open conversation about this. And I mean conversation. I want you guys to email me or write in the Facebook group. Um, those things are on how to contact me are always in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast on wherever you're listening it. So let's start off. First of all, for those people who have gone through narcissistic abuse, this can have a huge impact on our relationships and our friendships. Um, that's something we don't always talk about. For me, dealing with narcissism really created some big insecurities in me. Speaker 1: (02:58)I had some confidence in some areas, but when it came to relationships or even friendships, I was trying to make up for a loss, right? Like I almost created a family with my friendships. So very dependent on friends, like they were like my family. I felt very close and connected to my friendships that I formed. I was very good at keeping up with them and keeping close to them. That's something I'm really still good at, um, especially in my inner circle of people. That is something people have even noticed and noted about me my whole life. And I think part of that is, yes, I'm an extrovert and whatever that, that plays into it, but I think it's also when you feel like there's a disconnect and you're not treated well by some members of your family that you're around, it's, it feels safer and more comfortable to create your own space, right? Speaker 1: (03:57)Like I would not be home as much as maybe the typical person. I would stay out, I would stay over friends' houses a lot to kind of build that safety and security that I did not feel. So as I got older, um, like I said, I'm an extreme extrovert. I have a ton of acquaintances, but I would call them more than that. And I had one friend that was like, I had like 50 people at my party and she's like, there's no way you can like actually be friends, friends with these people. It's like 50 people. And I'm like, mm, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty close with a lot of em, you know, because I created that dynamic. So as I got older and had more responsibilities and got married, had a child, and especially when I did this could come with just age and maturity, but in my situation it also came with, you know, having a narcissistic abuser in my life and cutting that person off and realizing, wait, there are other people in my life and other friends that aren't treating me the best. Speaker 1: (04:56)It was just like once, it's kind of like one of those domino effects where once you realize something and you set it free and you see how feel it feels so good, you start to realize, wait, I'm getting that other feeling in this part of my life, right? So it's this domino effect. So that started happening. So there were a couple of friends that some I tried to talk to and it wasn't received well. Some just kind of distance naturally that I felt I had to create that distance to have peace in my life, to feel like I was being treated well by friends and not controlled it. You know, sometimes when you're used to narcissism or a certain way of, it doesn't even have to be narcissist, but a certain type of person in your life, in your childhood, you can later almost be drawn or during childhood be drawn to that. Speaker 1: (05:49)And as you get older, be drawn to relationships that are similar, right? Like people that are maybe more on the controlling side or people that it's their way or the highway Highway or whatever they say goes, that definitely can play out. And you might be bob in your head. Yep, yep. Especially if you've been through abuse. So I'm gonna dive in kind of pivot here to talk about a situation that happened when I was engaged. When I got engaged, one of my very, very, very close bestest friends, basically as I say, broke up with me. It, it felt like that. I mean, I was friends with her for ver a very long time. I think it was like two decades, well, no, 15 years maybe. But we were very, very close. And I still to this day am not entirely sure why she cut me off. Speaker 1: (06:37)And it really hurt. I got it, got a vague idea, but it, you know, it was something that was really sad that we couldn't talk it out. But then fast forward years later, I had a similar situation where I cut someone off and I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't even, I didn't wanna try anymore. And I think it was just like the reverse of that, you know? She didn't wanna try, she didn't have the energy to say or do whatever she had to say or do. And it was devastating to me. I was very, very like really heartbroken over it. You know, this is one of my best friends and, and it sucked at the end of the day. It sucked. And I know a lot of women who this has happened to in their lives. A lot of my own friends, a lot of clients that have lost friends and either don't know why or they do know why, but it's just really unfortunate and it, it's hard and it can change us. Speaker 1: (07:30)So this is the part where whether you have have had abuse in your life or not, which, if you've had abuse a man, that rejection there, that feeling like you found someone you felt safe with and they let you go like that, that is what really was hard for me. I think, you know, yes, it was sad to let her go, but we had kind of grown, uh, I won't say a part, but grown into, we were growing into kind of different people than each other and maybe different interests, different things like that. So on the service, if you looked at it, it wasn't like, and she had been kind of not so nice to me the couple years before we stopped talking. So part of me was like, well, it's not even like, oh my gosh, I can't live without this specific person. I think it really dug at that wound of man I felt safe and that's not real. Speaker 1: (08:25)It almost made me feel like I, I thought I could trust and I was safe with this person and I'm not. And after you go through abuse, like that really can re-trigger things. And so I think that's why it was like just really hard to deal with at the time. Anyway, obviously life went on and I grew, but I did notice that when I was meeting new people, I had a wall up. And that can happen where I didn't, I didn't really trust women. I get along, I feel like I get along easier with men. Um, and I don't know if that's just, cuz this situation, it's like girlfriends, this happened with or whatever. I do feel like in general, I'm very goofy and sarcastic and sometimes in my world, at least where I live or people I've met, I do feel like men are almost more easygoing. Speaker 1: (09:12)Or maybe, maybe it's a thing where they're not looking to make friends and I'm not looking to have like man friends around. So it's kind of like, it's just, there's no expectation there. So it lifts that potential, you know, friendship or whatever. You know how like you have mommy dates, it's like, oh, I, I hope I like this. You know, kid's, mom, that'd be cool. There's, I don't feel like there's like a big potential for that because I don't know, as a married woman, I'm not gonna be like hanging out with these other men 24 7, go and get our nails done. And shopping at Target, though, that would be fun. I've told my husband, I'm like, God, I wish I could like do it up with all the men. , that sounds awful. That is not what I meant, which just came outta my mouth. Speaker 1: (09:53)Um, but he knows what I mean. He's like, well, I mean you can talk to men and Christie, you know, I'm like, I know, but there's just a difference. So anyway, I get sidetracked, but that's me welcome to ADHD world. But back to meeting new friends, having these walls up, not trusting. I've met people though also that just, they're like, I don't wanna put in that effort because it feels like dating all over again. It feels like surface level. And I don't love surface level. I am like one that goes in. Um, but I also love to have fun. I'm, you know, if you follow me, you know, I'm goofy, I'm silly, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous basically. And I like some ridiculous people. So it's kind of like dating again and we have these responsibilities. Maybe you have kids like I do, a lot of my friends have kids and sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything. Speaker 1: (10:45)It's overwhelming for me. I would say I do crave those closer connections. And having that tribe of people, I feel like for me, I have a, I have a lot of friends like in different areas of my life, but not like one, you know, tribe that's like together kind of. And I always think that's cool and I've been part of those, but as life ebbs and flows, um, I've gone kind of in and out of some of those situations and as I've opened my eyes to what I want in friendships, I've also been like, well that isn't working for me. But since I've had that discovery, which was how many years ago, probably eight years ago, I do have like a radar with people I meet and it's like, I mean, it's not like I'm, it's a crazy screening test. Not, but it is like, is this person thoughtful? Speaker 1: (11:38)I mean, there's a lot of people that are really up their own. Let me just say it. And I, I might get flack for this because I understand some people, I don't know, like even my husband's like, why? I just, he's like, so, feels, feels socially awkward. So he is like, I just kind of answer what people ask. And beyond that he, like, when he's on the surface level part of it, he obviously has deeper friendships, but he doesn't, it's not in him to dive deeper and ask people a lot of questions. Like me, I feel like Oprah Winfrey, like I just, I love, I'm fascinated with people. I love learning about people. I love different people's cultures. And so, you know, I really try to find out about people and I, and I care, like if I, if I, you know, connect with you, I'm like, oh, let's hang out. Speaker 1: (12:24)You know, there's a potential for a friendship. I'm, I love my people. So I will say something in my more recent years, like if someone's all about them and then there's a difference between Shire people and people that are extroverted, but all they talk about is themselves. And you can ask 'em 50 questions and then they don't ask one question about you. Like, that is a pet peeve of mine. I don't get it. And I'm like, especially if they are extroverted, but hey, I don't know everyone's life. So there could be another reason, right? They could be, they could be insecure about it, but I'm just, I told you I'm being an open book today. So back to the walls that we hold, especially if we had abuse in our life, but even if we didn't, just, if you've been hurt by a friend, if you just, you know, have your issues cause of X, Y, Z, we can have these walls up or not have the energy or feel like we don't have the time. Speaker 1: (13:19)Or maybe you are my socially awkward husband. Sorry honey, sorry . Um, actually he doesn't care about really making new friends. I mean he, he likes people, you know, but it's not like he doesn't have the desire like I do as an extrovert, right? To connect like that is something like I need in daily life to connect with people outside of even probably my inner circle. I mean, I talk to my like real tight girls every day, like text, sometimes we talk on the phone, but I do like connecting outside of that circle. So I just wanted to talk about this cuz I, I think, you know, we don't always talk about this and it's something I want people to not feel alone. Like if you have this, especially if you've gone through abuse, you already listened to my podcast, then you probably have been through some sort of abuse. Speaker 1: (14:08)That's why it can feel harder. That's why it can be more emotional when we reach out to someone like, Hey girl, you wanna go get some, you know, go grab a drink. And they're like, oh yeah, definitely. And then you're like, cool, let me know when, and they never get back to you. And then you feel like, oh wow, I guess they don't, they don't like me, right? It's like these insecurities, I mean, I feel that way. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm too much. You know, which could be, hey, I could be too much for some people , but it's not always what we're telling ourselves. It's those negative, crappy thoughts often created by being mistreated, like as children or in, in relationships prior. A lot of it is just BS thoughts that enter our heads and people are just either busy or yeah, they're not really into making new friends in the season of life or they're scatterbrained. Speaker 1: (15:03)I had one friend, I actually, I've had two people say this to where I, I reached out and asked them to hang out and they're like, oh, I can't on Thursday, but, you know, keep asking me. Or you know, the other ones, I, I forget the exact wording, but you know, no, but, but keep trying. We gotta hang out. Where I was like at first like, well that's jacked up. Why do I gotta be the one to initiate all the time, you know? But guess what? Because you're the one that wants to connect and it seems like they want to and they have followed, like I have followed up and we have hung out. But some people, they're just not great at doing that. So I guess this is just to say you're not alone if you're feeling this way. It is hard as we get older and keep pushing, keep trying. Speaker 1: (15:44)If you wanna connect, try to make it less personal. It's not always about you. It might be girl, maybe you're annoying as. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But yeah, not everyone is gonna be for any, everybody either. But that's not bad. That's the, that's the way the world is, right? I mean, if we got along with everybody famously and had 90 best friends, that'd be way overwhelming. So, you know, it's good to have discernment when you have had abusive situations. You may be like me where you may be like, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about looking for signs of like, mm, that person is too into themselves. And it does seem like they always take over and only wanna do what they wanna do. And like I see these red flags. Are they always red flags or am I little overcautious? I don't know. Speaker 1: (16:31)But that's where I'm at. And so far I've made some really nice friends and I'm making more friends and I'm bringing in some further friends closer that I think seem like really good people and they're uplifting and they're, they're doing good things in their lives and not gossiping and talking and they actually, there's like substance there that's important to me too. So it's like we wanna kind of have people that we don't wanna force friendships with just anybody. And at the same time, it can be hard to find friends in this stage of life, right? So I'd love just this conversation to keep going. I will bring it up in my Facebook group, email me if you wanna talk privately about it. Cause I think a lot of people deal with this stuff and just, I don't think we discuss it as much as we could and to feel supported. Speaker 1: (17:19)That being said, I think that's, I'm, I'm deciding today, I'm gonna do an extra episode this week, A quickie on maybe tips on making friends in later life and after abuse and all of that. Cuz I have been kind of working through this with myself so that I'm lowering my wall and letting more people in, more closely letting myself be vulnerable, which has not been easy for me, um, you know, in the last several years. So even though I've met people, I kind of, I don't let 'em all the way in, you know, I've noticed that. So I'm excited. I'm, and I'm starting to, we can do it together, work on it together. But I have started thinking about ways to do it and I'm going to put that on my next episode. Some little tips if you're in the same situation as I am. Speaker 1: (18:11)And if you wanna be my online friend, hit me up. Hit me up girl. Um, it's always fun. I have made so many online friends during the pandemic, oh my gosh, the, especially in 2020, even 2021 I was in online groups and like there is a plethora of amazing people out there and we have like the whole world that we're able to connect to because of the internet, which is just amazing. It's so cool. So yes, that's, I guess that's the tip I'll leave you with. You can also do online, but I'm a big in-person, person that a person, person, person, . I really am into connecting and, and actually, you know, feeling that vibe. Did I just say vibe? Feeling that vibe girl. But you know, connecting in person. But sometimes if you are super shy or awkward, even meeting people online could build your confidence, whatever. Speaker 1: (19:07)Um, but let's do tips on meeting new friends. I will throw that out later this week. So make sure you're subscribed to my podcast on, but still she thrives there. You just click a little subscribe button. And I would love you guys if you are liking this podcast, please, if you have not, go scroll down and check off, not check off like, I don't know, hit the five star little guy if you like me that much. If you wanna gimme five stars, if you wanna gimme one, just skip this . Just don't do that. , no. Gimme a five star review and I'd love to hear your actual feedback too. You can write a little comment in there and that really helps my podcast reach more people. So I would so appreciate it. And big air hugs. You deserve good friendships. You are amazing. You're a great friend. Speaker 1: (19:59)And f those people who are mean to you, . All right, see you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you.

Ep 70 How to Deal with a Naracissist's Smear Campaign Against You

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:03)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:00)Hello and welcome. I know it's been a hot minute since I have done a new recording, but here I am and I wanna try out, uh, let me know if the audio's okay. I always have my email address. I'll check the audio, but if you guys feel like the audio is good enough or you want me to go back into my smaller room with my headphones, but I thought I would try this, this way, it might end up sounding that great. But I'm just gonna do a quick, a quick little podcast bonus episode. Um, I've been reentering some older stuff and trying to figure out how to pivot this podcast. I feel like I am growing. I'm doing all of this somatic healing. Um, I just got, well, I'm almost, almost have my new certification in somatic healing and that's really expanding what I'm doing and I would love to incorporate a lot of healing and empowerment, not just around narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (01:53)So I would love to hear your feedback in an, um, email to me that will be in the show notes. Fierce Mama c is my email. Like I said, it's in the show notes. You can just, just grab it there and let me know if you would like to hear a more broad range of healing and empowerment. Not totally all narcissistic abuse related. Um, really focusing on just recovery and bettering your life and healing in general, um, and sprinkling in some episodes like this of narcissistic specific stuff. So yesterday, this is why I decided to, uh, talk about this today. Yesterday I was, um, thinking about a time in my past where I felt like I was terrified of a smear campaign, right, of a smear campaign that was going on. And if you don't know what a smear campaign this is, this can be anybody, I guess can technically do it, but it's often related to narcissists that they will do this as a form to try to control or gain control or get you even back. Speaker 1: (03:05)So what they do is they will try to smear your name. They will make up lies. They will, um, share information maybe that you did share with them that they promise to not tell people. But you know, once you have gone against them or left them odds are they, it's, it's very common that a narcissist will then start what's called a smear campaign. They're smearing your name and they're campaigning, right? They are getting as many people as they can on their side of things, believing their narrative and going against you, right? The flying monkeys, they're called, um, Sam Nan coined that phrase. It's the flying monkeys. And it's terrifying because you got all of these people now believing these untruths usually about you. Um, and they're on like under the demise of the narcissist, which if you know a narcissist, you know how it is to be under the thumb of them. Speaker 1: (04:03)And now these other people, you're finally out of it or getting out of it. And then you've got these other people that are now being controlled and being tricked by the narcissist, right? And they're gonna come after you or go against you. So what, what is the way to deal with this? And this is kind of common in what I say. The best way is no contact with the narcissist. Just like the best way to deal with a smear campaign is to not address it. No response. And this is hard. I was thinking back for me, I was like, there was someone that was believing some of the stuff this person was saying, and I was desperately trying to convince. And that is not what you're supposed to do, right? You are supposed to not respond, not take the bait, and you have to do this. Speaker 1: (05:00)And it, it takes strength because you have to believe and have faith, which I do now then I didn't. I've healed to a place where I now know in my heart that the good people, the people who support me, my true friends, my true family that supports me, those people are going to believe me. Um, it's one thing if you wanna say one time, just so you know that's not true, right? But overly trying to convince somebody, one of the flying monkeys or people that ha the narcissist is trying to control, maybe they're not successful yet, but the person's like, well, wait. Is this true about you? You can say, look, I didn't do this. You can choose to believe what you want, but that will filter out, it will filter out the people who really aren't a hundred percent for you, right? It'll filter out the people that are easily swayed by the narcissist. Speaker 1: (06:08)And again, we know narcissists are very, they're good at what they do. But once you're out of that mindset, it's good to surround yourself with other people that are not easily swayed by, by narcissists or by controlling people, right? That have their own minds and have gotten to a place in life where they can trust themselves. And now that you're in this space, you can know and come to this, well hopefully are, if you're not, let's do some somatic healing that is basically healing from the body. It's epic work. Email me or I will put, um, a Calendly link to just go ahead and set up your first session. It is amazing. Um, I should probably do a whole episode on explaining it more. Um, but it's really epic work. I have had such an awesome time doing it, and the work is deep work, long lasting work, and, and we always try to make it as fun as we can. Speaker 1: (07:06)Any type of work with me. So it's, everyone has loved it so far, . Um, but when you get to this healed space, it's important to know that it's actually a good thing. Like when these situations come up, instead of feeling the stress and hell around it, focus on the fact that this is going to clear out the toxic people around you. Because if you have in your, a lot, this is common. When you have gone through trauma and abuse growing up, you may have not picked the best friends. You may surround yourself with Fairweather friends or just people that control you or just, you know, can switch on a dime, right? Like not the healthiest of people because you don't know any better. You've been in abusive situations, you tolerate more than a healthier minded person. If you are in my space, odds are you're looking to get healthier or you are healthier than you were. Speaker 1: (08:09)Your mindset is better, right? Maybe there's more healing to do, but you're in a better space where you know, you wanna feel peace, you actually are ready for peace. So when you're ready for peace, things like a smear campaign, they can come at you and they can be ugly. But it's for you to now realize this is actually a little bit of a blessing because I know it's going to cut out anybody who doubts me. Isn't that, isn't that beautiful? Anyone who doubts you will be gone. So the person I'm talking about in my life that talked about me, it was nothing too too crazy, but just, you know, I was the bad guy all of a sudden, which was insane because I was the one getting abused and getting threats, all of that. We had mutual friends, a couple of 'em, and one of the mutual friends became kind of this flying monkey, um, contacting me to convince me to do X, y, z asking me questions, um, really trying to convince me to get back in touch with this other person, right? Speaker 1: (09:23)The narcissist. And you know what? I was luckily at a place where I did not fall prey, but I did at that point. This was years ago. I did at that point have this feeling of like, fear of this person is, doesn't like me anymore. They're not gonna like me if I'm not doing what the narcissist says or doing what this person flying monkey is trying to get me to do. They're not gonna like me anymore. And I like this person. This is a fun person. I enjoy this person. But I knew I had to choose myself and my health at that point, and my mental health, my, my peace. I chose my peace. And now I'm at such a point I can look back and be like, oh, that's a a friend anyway. Right? Like, that's somebody I don't need in my life. Speaker 1: (10:13)That's somebody who was not looking out for my wellbeing. They didn't care if I was going through hell because of this other person they cared about being in with the narcissist, right? And that, that narcissist probably got them to do this by, um, well, pulling them in first, right? And then probably love bombing and saying, you know, oh, I trust you and you're the best. Could you do this for me? It would, it would make it make me feel so good. And you're just the only person that, right, they're gonna sugar them up. That's what I call it the love bombing. It's just like putting just sugar all over you and telling you how sugary and wonderful you are and just all the good feelings, right? That person fell for it. I get it. You know, we can fall for this when we're not healthy in our minds. Speaker 1: (11:05)So that showed me a, that person was not for me or looking out for my best interest. Yeah. After I told them, look, this is the truth, they didn't care. And two, or B, whatever I was saying, one, two, um, they were not healthy in their own mind because they didn't have enough strength to stand up or get away from a toxic person like that person, right? So it's actually a good thing and it may not feel good. There are different situations, uh, where it could be at work or in your family and you feel like you have to deal with it and you're stuck. I'm a big believer in you're never stuck. The only time legally I feel like you're stuck with co-parenting. That's a good example of being stuck in a way, right? But we address that in the, um, other episodes I have on co-parenting. Speaker 1: (12:00)But so someone will give an example, let's say, but at work, this, uh, coworkers getting these other coworkers to fly monkey, you know, all around and, and whatever that can happen. What I say to that is to me that shows if you address it with HR or something, right? You can go that route. Often it is said you can play the game with the narcissist and act like you are scared or act like you are, um, totally in agreeance to the flying monkeys, right? So, so the narcissist thinks it's working, so they kind of back off and feel like they're in control, right? Because all they want is control number one thing. I can't do that. So this is up to you, you can play the game. To me that is not honest with myself. I'm not a game player that disturbs my peace to play games. Speaker 1: (12:59)It's, it's too much energy in my brain that I wanna spend on like joyful fun things. Not like, ooh, how can I manipulate the narcissist back? Like, I don't have time for that. If you feel like that's a great answer for you, you can, for me, it shows me I'm not in alignment with this situation. Let's say I go to HR and HR is like, oh yeah, kind of dismisses it or something. It's time to find a new job. I'm not saying that's super easy, can do it in a minute, but it's possible. People move jobs, especially in this day and age, back in like the olden days, people really stuck with jobs for like their whole career. And that's great if you can do that and you love that. But many people Job Hopper, even just like, um, consulting like with different companies, right? Speaker 1: (13:45)Like I feel like you are not stuck as mu as much as people think they're stuck, they're not. I found that with my clients and we push back the stuckness and get into much better situations. So that's something to remember. You might be like, well, I I'm at work. What, what else can I do? Well, you can start looking for another job, right? Like, and, and let's say like, but I love my work. Do you though, if you're here and you're getting all stressed out every day 'cause of these people and flying monkeys around you, you have to love your work overall. And if it is disturbing your peace, I'm so much a faith person that I believe God would direct me to something better. Because anything that isn't in alignment like that is a clear sign to me that it's not for me and I need to get away from it. Speaker 1: (14:39)It's worked so far very well in my life. So that is today's episode. I just had this kind of, I wasn't gonna be doing narcissist specific episodes for a while. I'm trying to like kind of find my voice for, for my podcast again, um, to just pivot and I was gonna sprinkle some in, but I just felt that yesterday I just, that I was just thinking about it. I was like, I need to share this because I think it's really important. So that is your little smear campaign. It's kind of like the no contact rule. The best response is no response and doing whatever you can to not take the bait. That's my whole quote or my motto with narcissist. Don't take the bait gray rocket, right? If you don't know Gray Rock is, look at my Gray Rock episode and get as far from the situation as you can. Speaker 1: (15:35)You're not stuck most times you're not stuck. Even if you're co-parenting, there are ways to deal with that. That is a situation where you kind of do the gray rock and give as little as possible. Don't show emotions, you know, um, keep the language very simple, factual to the point. No excess anything, right? Those are examples. Again, I have a whole episode on that. Um, I can try to remember the link or you can just, if you type in Gray Rock Method, I think I'm usually the first one that comes up. You can put my name with it. Um, but still she thrives the podcast and Gray Rock, which hopefully that episode should come up. But yes, if you have any questions, feel free to email me anytime. Fierce Mama c at Gmail and check out my offerings right now. I'll put my calendar Lee link in. Speaker 1: (16:21)That is a scheduling link. So if you wanna do either mindset work, coaching wise, narcissistic abuse, recovery wise, you have to be out of your situation for a while. I don't work with people that are still living with a narcissist. That is just my specialty is let's work on after and recovery. Or if you just want to up uplevel your life, you want to heal, you want to get deeper healing that is lasting, um, that starts with the body. So somatic healing is amazing. Um, so I'll put the links in there. You can email me and we can figure out like what the best option would be for you. And I will see you in the next episode. Bye.

What Not to Do When Co Parenting with a Narcissist

Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Mentioned Episode:
The Grey Rock Method:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist. Speaker 1: (00:40)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings. Speaker 1: (02:52)They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that. Speaker 1: (03:52)So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket. Speaker 1: (04:44)Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right? Speaker 1: (05:39)So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings. Speaker 1: (06:30)Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (07:22)You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court? Speaker 1: (08:19)Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate. Speaker 1: (09:15)And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right? Speaker 1: (10:04)So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon. Speaker 1: (10:50)By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer

It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
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Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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Let's connect on social media!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34)Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42)Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40)Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34)And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27)I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

How to Stay Calm and in Control During Conversations with Narcissists

Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist? Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations.
mentioned episodes:
Episode 2 (about gaslighting and more)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-2-5-signs-of-toxic-people-and-how-to-get-rid/id1662241353?i=1000592070178
Episode 5 (Grey Rock Method_
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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TRANSCRIPT
 
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations. Speaker 1: (00:19)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all the fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)Look, I'm a big believer in people can change and grow, but narcissist not so much. It is basically like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 1% chance that they can. And I'm not here for waiting around and neither are you. So narcissists are constantly trying to find a way to control you. They do this by deflecting, making you feel like you're being unreasonable. And lighting, which I go into detail in an episode two if you're interested. So when you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, it can be hard to keep your cool and stay focused on the goal of the conversation or whatever you're trying to get across, right? Because they can make you feel like cuco, crazy cuco. But if the situation calls for it, there are four tips here that will help you keep control of the conversation. Number one, and this is a mantra of mine, don't take the bait. Speaker 1: (02:32)They want a fight. They want the power struggle. It's important to remember that a narcissist, they wanna win, right? It's their whole shtick. And the only way they can feel like they've won is what if you lose whoever they're talking to. So if you're in this conversation, they want you to lose. They're not gonna leave till you've lost. So don't take that bite bait. They can really wear you down. If you don't get into the power struggle with them. Their only option is to eventually walk away from the conversation, or I prefer to walk away from it myself, usually, right? So they will over time get sick of your lack of reaction. And that's called the Gray Rock Method, which I have a whole episode and I will put all relative, um, episodes in the show notes, the description of the podcast. So anyway, this is one of those moments where it's okay to not be nice and to not give anything away. Speaker 1: (03:26)You don't have to react emotionally or defensively and give them what they want. That is what they want, an emotional response from you that validates their feelings as being justified in some way, even though we know they're not, right? So this leads us to number two. Don't succumb to their demands. Set those boundaries and stick to them. The narcissist will try to guilt you into doing things for them. But don't let them set your boundaries. Stick to them. Be hardcore. Be that fierce queen. You are . You don't need to give an explanation. If they give pushback, just stand firm and just repeat whatever it is. No, I'm not comfortable doing that. Or no, I'm not going to do that. I need to go whatever it is. Um, hopefully you can have these conversations if you have to converse with them on the phone where it's easier to click and get away. Speaker 1: (04:17)If not, make sure you have a way to get out of a conversation with a narcissist in general. That is always a recommendation of mine. So stay in control of the conversation and if you need to leave it, leave it. Number three, do not talk about emotional things with them and do not get emotional. This is, this is one of the hardest things to do, especially when they're trying to manipulate and twist your mind all around. Okay? But it's important to remember they're not your friend. They don't care about you. That might be hard to hear if you're in the beginning phases of overcoming this, but they only care about themselves and how they look in front of others, right? The narcissist will try very hard to get a reaction out of you by saying something hurtful or offensive. Do not let them, if someone does something mean or insulting toward me, I tend to get upset at first cuz I may believe them, right? Speaker 1: (05:11)Like I'm an empath. We start to, we self-reflect. But with narcissist, you must realize this person doesn't actually care about your feelings. They care about making themselves feel better by getting under your skin and taking what control. So in order for us to not get sucked into this cycle of negativity over and over again, we need some self-control skills when dealing with narcissists. So do not talk about emotional things with them. Keep it very like surface level, okay? You're, you cannot trust them. They will use your emotions against you any opportunity. This includes sharing personal details. Even if they ask, you can just say, oh, I'm not gonna share that right now. Or, oh, I got just deflect. Get out of the situation. Or just if you can be firm with them, which I'm at that point, but I know it's hard in the beginning, but try to be as firm as you can and just say, you know, I'm not, I'm not comfortable sharing that information right now. Speaker 1: (06:10)Okay? And also, do not let them know how they make you feel. Don't say you've hurt me and you've done this. They don't care. And that's, that's again, giving them the control that they love and need. And it can backfire on you. So avoid any sort of emotional discussion and getting emotional. Save the tears for later in your bathtub and a bond bun. Number four, explain nothing. If you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, the best thing to do is give zero explanation for anything, even if they ask. They love to drag explanations out of people. If you're not succumbing to their needs, like we talked about, they're going to try to dig and they know you may be a people pleaser or an empath or just a normal human who doesn't wanna pa make people feel bad. So they will try to dig in there and get explanations out of you. Speaker 1: (07:05)And you need to, this is really you, where you need to stand your ground and not give any explanations. Keep your answers short and sweet or not sweet. That's okay too. You can save that sweetness for someone who deserves it. So you can be firm and direct and get out of the conversation as soon as possible. This is something just as a society especially, I don't know, in America, I am not, I can't speak for other countries, I don't live there, but I feel like we overexplain ourselves in general because we don't wanna make people feel bad. Like if we can't go to something, we sometimes will be like, well, I have this and that and that. And it's like this panic you feel like you have to explain. And my husband, who's the sweetest guy in the world, has said to me at, at times, like, why do you always feel like you have to explains so much? Speaker 1: (07:53)And I think that's part of my own trauma and my past with narcissist, um, relationship dynamic is I always had to explain, right? So we're done explaining queens, we're done explaining. This could be for narcissist, for anyone practice not explaining so much. Just saying, I'd love to but I can't make it. That's like for a regular example of RSVPing to somebody. Um, but then with a narcissist, they love, they love a detailed explanation so that they can actually use that against you and guilt trip you. So the shorter the no explanation, the better. Okay? All that being said, we're also human. So sometimes we may falter. In the beginning when I was, you know, getting out of a narcissistic situation, I, I was building my strength, I was getting confident, I was setting boundaries. I would falter sometimes. So don't beat yourself up, right? But remember that your feelings aren't the problem when you're dealing with a narcissist, it can be really tempting to think your reactions are what's causing the situation to escalate and get outta hand. Speaker 1: (09:02)This is often not true at all. Narcissists have this like, innate ability to push our buttons and make us feel small. It's part of their charm. So, or so they think, right? In reality though, there's nothing wrong with your emotions. They're just a natural response to their weird behavior . So try not to judge yourself too harshly when things may have gotten heated in the past or if you lose control for a moment now or moving forward. But now you have these tips to generally keep yourself calm and in control. So just to recap, do not take the bait. They want that fight. Don't get sucked in. Don't succumb to their demand. Set your boundaries. Do not talk about emotional things. Do not get emotional and explain absolutely nothing to them, right? Right. Ladies, you are amazing. You are fierce. And dang girl, you look good. All right. You got this queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot www.christyJade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.