NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Ep 18 Special Guest House of Ruth! Help for Domestic Violence Victims Including Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
HOUSE OF RUTH HELP/RESOURCES AND DONATION/VOLUNTEER INFORMATION BELOW:
House of Ruth, Domestic Violence Support Center – www.houseofruth.org; 202/667-7001, x515 (free, confidential counseling for trauma and abuse survivors)
• Office of Victim Services, Victim Hotline – www.DCvictim.org; 1-800-844-5732 (4HELPDC)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233
• DC Volunteer Lawyers Project - www.DCVLP.org
Resources- Adolescents and kids
• Veto Violence- dating violence prevention training for teachers, coaches, school personnel, youth
leaders https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/datingmatters/
• Kids Help Line- online resource for broaching difficult topics for kids 5+
https://kidshelpline.com.au/kids/issues
• Love is Respect- safe dating resource for teens with phone/text support
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
• Teen Dating Violence Prevention Guide- icebreakers and activities
https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/Building_Healthy_Relationships_Across_Virginia_Unit
• ChAMPS- on-call, mobile mental health emergency service for DC youth www.dbh.dc.gov; (202) 481-
1440.
 
Want to  learn more about donating or volunteering? You can contact House of Ruth chief development officer Elizabeth Kiker via email at ekiker@houseofruth.org
-----------
Christy Jade Coaching info:
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
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Join my free facebook group here:
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WORK WITH ME:
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Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:02)Welcome to, but still she thrives. We have a very special guest today, Leona Brannan, and she works for the House of Ruth. And this is a resource I wanted to share with you guys who are local to the DC Maryland area. So we're really just, uh, gonna share this information and share what the House of Ruth does. So welcome Leona. Speaker 2: (00:28)Thank you. Thank you for having me, Christy. Speaker 1: (00:31)Yes. Thank you for being here. So we'll just dive right in. What is the house of Ruth's mission? First, we'll start there . Speaker 2: (00:39)Sure, sure. So the House of Ruth, we were founded in 1976 by a Georgetown University professor named Veronica Madz. Um, she noticed in teaching her students and taking them out in DC to do volunteer work, she noticed that she walked past a homeless man laying on the street in DC mm-hmm. how she felt passing him by. Speaker 1: (01:03)Yeah. Speaker 2: (01:03)And really understanding there are major issues and challenges that can need to be met when it comes to the unhoused homelessness. Um, and particularly for women. Um, and especially for women who are leaving domestic violence situations. Um, so our mission essentially is to empower women, children, and families to rebuild their lives and heal from trauma and abuse and homelessness. You know, our services include support enriched housing for families and for single women. Mm-hmm. Also, trauma-informed care via our developmental daycare, kids space and free counseling at the D V S C or domestic violence support center where I work. Um, and that's designed to empower anyone regardless of gender, who are survivors of trauma and abuse. Speaker 1: (01:50)That, that's awesome. I love that. And just before we continue, what specific area of people are looking for this resource? One of the many that you offer, which, you know, I didn't even know the childcare aspect until I talked to you previously. So there's just, there's a lot of stuff you guys do, but specifically what area do you serve if someone is looking for this? What are the, I guess, limitations geographically? Speaker 2: (02:14)Definitely. So for housing, um, the main eligibility requirement is to be a DC resident. Okay. Um, we're grant funded for our housing programs and also for our, um, counseling services. So we have different stipulations for housing. That's one of 'em. You have to have, uh, DC residency established mm-hmm. and you work with the team from there for counseling. There isn't a, uh, residential, uh, requirement. It's just to, if you're interested in counseling and you've experienced any form of trauma or abuse, um, especially in, in regards to interpersonal relationships, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. A lot of times our clients, um, who seek services here have had difficult family experiences that have been emotionally, physically, financially abusive. Um, that has either led to homelessness or, or periods of homelessness or just really dysfunction or dysregulation in the day-to-day life. That's for the counseling service and for the developmental daycare. Makes sense. You have to be in DC Um, it is located in southeast DC and so it's really servicing and providing that support for the community there. But people drive their children across DC to get there. Um, cause it is such a support enriched program. Speaker 1: (03:33)Right. And so as far as the housing, what is the setup for that pre discounted? I know you have mentioned HUD vouchers when we were talking, so just trying to give an idea to those in DC that could use it, what to expect Speaker 2: (03:48)For sure. So we do have a really great intake process that works with each individual in, in looking at their particular situation. Um, cuz we do have individuals who are currently working and needing that support to have affordable housing. And so we do, you know, do kind of a subsidized, uh, rental assistance program there and helping people to connect with, uh, safe and clean housing. Yes. And if you have challenges or any issues, those barriers with being able to get a lease because there've been issues with your rental history. Mm-hmm. That's where House of Ruth helps out with that too. That's great. We also have transitional housing on in that are kind of dormitory style for folks who are experiencing like crisis housing and needing some crisis support. And so for single women, we have programs where you're at a location, a secured and safe location for, could be 12 to 18 months before you transition to permanent supportive housing or independent housing. Again, all of our programs are support and enrich. So that means that you'll have some case management support. You'll have a person who's gonna help you walk through all of the resources and benefits that you're eligible for to help establish that foundation for independence. Speaker 1: (05:07)Yes. And I know there is such a great need for this type of resource, which means there can sometimes be a wait mm-hmm. . Yes. At this time or in general, is there a wait list? Is there a general time people wait and if so, where do you kind of direct them or what do you advise them to do in that situation? Speaker 2: (05:27)So when I receive callers, um, asking more questions about housing, I do direct them to our intake line. Mm-hmm. , because we have seven programs for single women and six programs for women and children. Yeah. It varies and depending upon each individual's particular situation, you might be able to be placed within the week or might be a few weeks. Mm-hmm. , there might be some additional things to kind of work through first. So our intake line is really helpful. Uh, they know all of our programs and they're really, they're better versed than I am in the kind of steps to take. So that's where I direct people essentially. We receive all of the calls essentially, or it feels like all of the calls Yes. Um, to our main line here. And so I, I do direct people that way so they can get the specific information for their specific situation. Speaker 1: (06:19)Yeah. It's great to have such a variety cover all bases. And that's great to know that they could actually get in quicker than one would maybe think because of the, of the demand, you know, the unfortunate demand, right. That there is a demand for this. Speaker 2: (06:34)Yeah. And it has gone up. It has gone up because of the pandemic. Speaker 1: (06:38)So with the counseling and you said it's kind of the eligibility's pretty open, what, what is offered? Is there anything resources that, just to give another idea of, I know there's emotional support mm-hmm. , but gaining access to certain other resources like education or, um, childcare outside of, if, you know, like I said, if there is, you know, not space at that time or legal issues, thing like that. Speaker 2: (07:06)Gotcha. Gotcha. So the biggest thing we run into is, you know, because of the demand at times we do have a bit of a wait for, uh, therapy and being matched with a counselor after you do your intake for counseling mm-hmm. . Um, so I let people know on the front end if it's gonna be four weeks, six weeks, things like that. And at intake, every client is provided with a list of resources and that we walk through and talk through and also safety planning tips to really help the set the stage for what they can expect in terms of the support from our program. So my team, we're all licensed mental health counselors. And so our first, first and foremost, our first uh, kind of focus is on trauma and healing. Mm. Right. Yes. So we, we do a lot of talk therapy, a lot of, uh, skills building with the focus on, you know, helping our clients identify their goals that really contribute to their life worth living. Speaker 2: (08:02)Now, understandably, it's not just, I wanna feel better, I want to live better. There's all these other pieces that contribute to that course. Like my housing stability, financial stress and strain, childcare. Mm-hmm. . And so in having, I guess this will be less of a case manager, we do help clients connect with case management and find a, a good program that fits them. But having that person to meet with and talk through your plan and have like that support and encouragement as you're calling these numbers and maybe getting a little bit of a runaround and feeling frustrated, having a safe place to land with that is, is it's super helpful from the feedback I get from clients. So I like to let people know we're traumatologists mm-hmm. . So we really focus on helping our clients learn the skills they need to really advance and move forward in their life. And understanding that additional resources beyond the scope of counseling can be needed at times. And so you just have that additional support to navigate , the wide system that we have in DC Yes. To really put those pieces in place one, one piece at a time. Speaker 1: (09:09)That's great because I, you know, I can imagine coming out of a abusive situation and even if you're just on the other side of it, but having to feel so overwhelmed with all the things that come along besides traumas, like you said, that's first and foremost you wanna work on that. But all these other things that are just almost seem like such a hard task to someone who has just gone through something traumatic. Mm-hmm. , I mean, even getting up in the morning or taking a shower can be hard . So yeah, it's really great to have that support there right away, even if you can't get to the counseling part right away. Which is, it's just nice. And I did wanna kind of touch on that cuz I remember you did say that you guys do offer a list and resources right away. So my podcast is mostly focused on after people are out of a situation, a toxic situation. Like you said, it could be romantic, it could be family. And I do know you and I wanted to just make this clear, you all do help people with exit strategies cuz some people come to me and I don't really work on that. Right. So if you could just, I guess, touch on what you do as far as that. Are you dealing with people who come and say, Hey, I, I don't even know where to start. I'm still in a situation mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (10:26). Yeah. Okay. Yes. When we have clients who are still living in a abusive or unsafe situation and then kind of unsure about if and how to leave, our big focus at that juncture is, is working on identifying those steps that they would feel safe taking. It's kind of thinking through your therapist, right? Your therapist isn't or shouldn't mm-hmm tell you exactly what to do. Right. Speaker 2: (10:57)We can't kind of prescribe to our clients this is what you need to do. What we are able to focus on are the safety steps that can help other or have helped other people. Mm-hmm. and giving our clients the ideas. So considering, you know, where, how do you save things in your phone, how would you save these resources in a way if you're concerned that your partner or the person that you're living with would have access to it or see that you don't want them to. Right. What are safe ways to save and keep resources? How do you kind of strategize around where you would go, you know? Mm-hmm. , let's consider the different options in your natural support system. And then we look at the options within the city. So planning where to go, who to call, and how to keep that information as safe and secure as possible is really that kind of early on. Speaker 2: (11:55)Like, let's consider some options, also strategies to leave with children. Cause that can look a little bit different as well. Yes. Um, so I really work with my clients, especially my mom's, on identifying what are the steps that you feel the most comfortable and safe with doing first, what is plan B, C, and D . Right? Right. Worst case scenario. Right. So we think through these things and for clients it's also great to have a place that you're coming to where I can write it down and save it and keep it and we could come back to it if you don't feel comfortable taking that with you. Cuz again, that fear is there of what would the person figure out what I'm trying to do. Right. Um, so you really consider all of these elements of safety, of feeling, feelings of security to make this very big leap in change. Speaker 1: (12:46)Yes. Yes. Uh, I love that you guys do that and support them through that earlier stage. And like you said, it's gonna look different for everybody. And you know, with my podcast, yes I have advice on a specific niche, but you know, with that comes, everyone's story's different and there are real fears. Mm-hmm. , especially in this type of situation, you have violent people that can be evolved. There's some real fears there. So you've gotta stay within someone's comfort zone and keeping them safe obviously is, you know, top priority. So that being said, what advice do you have for women who are finally getting out of an abusive or toxic situation? Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (13:30), I would say first and foremost, connecting as early as possible with support programs like House of Ruth. I think that really makes a difference because when we're in the most difficult times in our lives, it can be really isolating. Hmm. When we're experiencing really the worst kinds of abuse, the worst kinds of, of neglect from the people who are closest to us. Whether it's recent or it's well in the past, there can be a lot of emotions that come up from that as you're trying to build your life. We work with folks who, you know, are actively working on changing their lives, whether it's via employment, whether it's via, you know, education or just reestablishing a fully independent life on your own with or without kids. There's so many emotions that come up through that. And as you're navigating going to school or going to work the day-to-day grind of, of, of whatever your life situation looks like, being able to have a, again, a safe place to land a support system around you, it's just invaluable. Speaker 2: (14:46)And it does help in reducing severity of crises at times too. Right. Because again, not being by yourself and not feeling totally isolated, you're more likely to be able to kind of think through and work through what you would wanna do and strategize a little bit earlier in the, in the, in the game. Mm-hmm. . Um, so no matter where you are in your process, if you're just considering like, Hmm, maybe this could be better or maybe I want things to be different, connecting with a support program. I big advocate for House of Ruth and, and calling us and, and at least having someone help you kind of navigate, uh, the vast social service system that we have here. You may talk with multiple programs and organizations before you find the right one before you feel that level of support. But starting that early, I would definitely recommend it. I would also say having a plan pre and post exit, you know, that can be helpful too. Just an idea in mind so you don't have to just headli it and kind of take things as they come. It can make leaving feel a little bit more doable. Speaker 1: (15:57)Yes. Speaker 2: (15:57)You know, if you're thinking it through and you have a support behind you, and even if you've left in the past and you're like, man, I've done this before and I've come back and I've come back, this could be the time that it makes the most difference and that it actually sticks. Right. This can be the time where this change is lasting. So I encourage people to give yourself, give yourself grace and space to, to make these big changes. And knowing that it's not all or nothing, it might not look perfect. Mm-hmm. it may not be the best and the most comfortable situation. Um, but having support makes it even better to like be able to achieve it. Right. We have some new success stories from our programs and, and people who've come from really dark times. Yeah. And so we see that with the right support you can achieve the better life that you want for yourself. I would also recommend starting counseling early. I'm a big proponent for therapy. Speaker 1: (16:54)Me too. . Absolutely. Speaker 2: (16:56)I think it's so important no matter where you are in life, to take time to slow down and, and really have that therapeutic open environment and safe space to explore, to unpack and uncover maybe things that you hadn't before. And learning how to deal with it, be with it self-soothe. Um, I think we all could use that, especially after the years, couple years we've had, you know, to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself and for others while you're trying to create a new normal. All of these things we aren't taught in school. So having therapy gives you a space to really learn it and incorporate it into your life. Speaker 1: (17:38)Yes. That's a whole other, uh, podcast where I, I think I talked to you about that. I just would love to see more of this taught in school, proactive avoidance of getting into these situations, right? Mm-hmm. , because it starts so young, it can start really young. So that's something I'm passionate about as well and, you know, gonna tap into that in the future. So yes, I totally agree that, and I think it's important for us to, you know, send that message out that it's never too early to come to you guys. It's never too early to start with the questions. Even if you're not sure this is how you can decide you get support, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And another thing I did wanna mention, because I have had people, you know, clients of mine say, well, you know, he doesn't hit me or something. Speaker 1: (18:27)Right. I just wanna reiterate, and maybe you can speak to it, a little of abuse is just not physical. And I know that like the back of my hand now, but when I was younger and going through things that I did, I was in it and didn't realize how much the emotional and other, other things could have a toll take a toll. And I think that's more common than we realize with people in abusive situations, even if it is physical dis well he, he only hit me once or he, you know, there's just this idea of kind of dismissing it. So I guess if you could speak to any of that before we, um, get going here just popped up and I thought we'd touch it real quick. Speaker 2: (19:07)And that's really important and that's a big thing that, you know, we teach as we do, we do a lot of, uh, community presentations, especially around domestic violence awareness month. That's when we have our busiest time. Mm-hmm. and I talk a lot about this dynamic that in relationships, especially intimate partner relationships, it doesn't start off as physical. You know, we, we educate and learn about the red flags internally and externally that can come up in a relationship and how to read those early sign, you know, if I set up a boundary or say no to something, the person's response to it is really important. It's really telling. And so we're gathering information and, and helping our clients and the folks that we connect with in the community know what those early warning signs look like. Know what that power and control dynamic, how that can come up early in a relationship or over time. Speaker 2: (20:08)And really being able to hear those internal red flags because we hear about like, oh, that's a red flag. This is something that someone is doing that isn't good. Right. But what about those internal ones that come up? If I express myself and the person I'm speaking to says something negative or derogatory, that makes me feel bad about what I'm saying. That is speaking to me. That is telling me something about how this dynamic can make me feel. And if I address that with the person and I still feel unheard or hurt by their response, those internal feelings are really important to Q into and to listen to. Speaker 1: (20:45)Absolutely. I always say, listen to your body. If you really get quiet enough and you let your thoughts escape. I'm big on meditation and prayer because in those moments you can check in even if you're outside of the actual moment where you know it does sting or, or you feel dismissed or undervalued mm-hmm. when you sit in silence. And for me that can be prayer, meditation, whatever. You really can ask yourself questions and essentially quote, listen to your body. You know, like mm-hmm. , our body, our heart, our, I mean it's, we're always communicating to ourselves. It's just a matter of listening. Right. Speaker 2: (21:19). Exactly. And learning how to listen. Cause it's not automatic. No. There's so many thoughts that come through your mind at one point in time that it can be hard to slow down a little bit. Speaker 1: (21:31)Totally. Especially when you're kind of in survival mode. I mean, so that's a whole other situation, right. So it's like surviving and trying to listen and, and do all that can be tricky. But you know, Speaker 2: (21:45)I also wanna mention how relationships, especially in the beginning, they tend to feel great. Mm-hmm. , we call it as like the honeymoon stage. Yes. Right. And, and everything is awesome and exciting. You know, I have a number of clients who've been in therapy with me for some time and they're in a new relationship and it's so great and so exciting and they're a little bit afraid because they kind of know of what's happened before mm-hmm. , you know, so a little bit of that historical, you know, information is, is coming to the forefront, but even still in the moment, it's so great and it's so exciting and that's the most, that's the loudest message. Yes. That this person likes me, I feel good, I feel great. And so even then we work on and we talk about, let's consider what your boundaries are and and see safe ways in, in early ways to kind of throw them out there to learn this person. Yes. And give yourself the opportunity to hear what would come up for you if you set a boundary or if you asked for something or you said no to something, what would that look like and how would you feel? So understanding that those early stages, especially of dating, no matter what age you are, you are a detective and you're learning Yes, absolutely. You're wanting to know who this person is and how they make you feel. And in addition to all the great feels in the beginning mm-hmm. Speaker 1: (23:06). Right. Great point. And on the heels of that, when people have gotten out of the situations and you're looking back, even in my own situation, a lot of times we kind of forget like well the bad kind of sinks down and we are clutching onto those good moments. Mm-hmm. . And so we can, that's where you can get kind of pulled back in and if, you know, a lot of abusers can do the power control and manipulation and tug on your heartstrings, they know what buttons to push. So that's just another thing kind of similar even on the other end where I'm sure you guys, you know, help with that on the post leaving, trying not to get sucked back in because that's, that can be common as well. Speaker 2: (23:46)Well for me I could, because again I'm totally respectful of my client's choices. Mm-hmm. , I have had clients who've resumed a relationship and really my focus and goal is supporting them and doing it in a healthy way to make choices in a healthy way. Right. To continue to build their self-confidence, their inner dialogue and keeping it going. Yes. Um, because whew, it, it can be difficult to, especially when families are involved, it can really be difficult to not have a relationship with maybe a close family member, maybe a parent. Right. You know, and so navigating how to maintain a relationship you wanna maintain in a way that also maintains your self-respect and your safety. We practice and learn how to do that as well. Speaker 1: (24:39)Yes. And that's like you said, those boundaries like mm-hmm that's setting up the boundaries cuz yes there are situations and even co-parenting that, you know, with an ex mm-hmm , there are situations either, like you said, you want to maintain some sort of contact or you have to. So yes, navigating that balance where you can still feel good in that relationship somehow. And I, I agree that it's, do you know it's doable, it's just work and so support is really important. Well thank you so much. Also, I did wanna talk really quickly. I know you have opportunities for volunteering. I believe there's ways to donate. So if you can touch on that and I will have all of the links to all the information in my show notes for the podcast, but I just want you to give a little synopsis, Speaker 2: (25:27)For sure. So we've had such a great development team, um, led by our development kind of, I call her the president that's probably not her title but call her development president cuz she's so on it. Her name is Elizabeth Kiker and she's easily reached via phone and email, um, which I'll give to you to add to your notes. Yes. Great. Um, and she really does a great job on identifying the, the biggest areas of need in our organization and introducing people to what we do, how we work and, and also connecting many organizations beyond. Like we work with a lot of other organizations within DC and so being able to have just that wealth of knowledge from Elizabeth, she has so much in terms of opportunities with us and also how to support the work we do at large. So I would definitely say to connect with Elizabeth if you're interested in donating your time, donating supplies cuz we do support a lot of, you know, and women and also kids mm-hmm. , you know, a lot of times we don't have fun things for them to do. And so having those just community supports makes such a big difference in just the experience that our, our families have, uh, while they're with our program. Speaker 1: (26:44)Great. Yes. So I will definitely put all those links and I'll try to get the direct links to each, each thing on the website, um, and then her information will provide that. Yeah. And I guess that is it. This is, uh, just thank you for what you do. Um, I'm so excited we got to do this little collaboration and, and get the word out more because Speaker 2: (27:05)It's such a, I appreciate you for spreading the word. I love to talk about House of Ruth and what we do and I'm super appreciative for the opportunity to, to share that with your listeners. Speaker 1: (27:15)Yeah, I'm very excited. So thank you so much and we'd love to have you back on to talk about maybe different topics in more depth and we'll love to talk to you soon. Speaker 2: (27:25)Definitely would love to come back. Thank you Speaker 1: (27:27)Christie. All right. Yes. Thank you, Leanna. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com
 
 

Ep 17 How to Protect Your Kids from Your Narcissist Ex

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
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WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)One of the most important things when co-parenting with a narcissist is the obvious. You want to protect your children and it may be hard to protect them. A narcissist is not so fun and can manipulate, can drag them into it. There's a lot of tough things. But stay tuned for four ways to protect your kids. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course, Speaker 1: (01:46)You do have somewhat of a lack of control when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. So we have to focus on what you can control. Number one, talk to your child. And this is a very fine line, so I want you to be discerning when you are talking with your child. Um, it's, you know, you're trying to help them understand their other parent's behavior. If it's that bad that you feel the need to talk about it, make it age appropriate. Teach them that their parent's behavior is about that parent. I can't stress this enough and without totally trash talking, cuz we just talked about in the last last week's episode, we don't wanna trash talk the narcissist to our child. We don't wanna involve in get in all the drama, right? If the child brings up something like, why doesn't daddy X, Y, z? Why is mommy talk like this? Speaker 1: (02:39)Whatever The thing is that as they bring things up, it's important to respond in a very factual, emotionless way and say, you know, not everyone has the kindness and not everyone has the compassion that you and I do. While they don't have it, they do love you. They're, you know, if it's something about how they're treating the child and if it's abusive, obviously you wanna go to the authorities, but just, you know, if there's a disconnect or if they're dismissive of their feelings, things that they can't lose custody over but can still sting, you can just say, you know, they may not have compassion the way that you and I do and it means nothing about you. It's so important to let them know it has nothing to do with you and it's a them problem, you know, so be, again, very careful walking that fine line of trash talking versus simply explaining in a logical, very simple kind of flat, emotionless way, which can be hard. Speaker 1: (03:42)So you might need to take a breath and say, you'll explain later. If it's in the middle of something or you're having, you know, sympathy, empathy for your child and your emotions are coming up, you are allowed to say, okay, you know, let's talk about this in a couple hours, da da da. And kind of if you have to decompress or whatever before you address it, because it's very important to not pull your emotions into it if possible. These kids go through enough with a narcissist as a parent. Number two is not to take it personally, and this is something even with my own parents, they were divorced and you know, it was, my dad was like the fun parent. He was the every other weekend, gave me McDonald's, maybe took me fun places. My mom was the disciplinarian, the one who was working crazy hours trying to just feed us and keep the lights on. Speaker 1: (04:35)And there was a lot of background stuff I had no idea was going on that, you know, my dad was doing. And I wouldn't know that till adulthood in the last episode I mentioned, um, my mom did not trash talk and wanted to keep things separate for us, which I so appreciate. So it can be hard to not take things personally like, you know, I found a note once from my childhood. It was a picture of me and my dad and my brother, and it said, I love dad more. He takes me to McDonald's, right? And you may be familiar with that. If you are with a narcissist, they can be awful, but they can also be very charming. They can be very fun and sometimes they don't have to be a narcissist to do those things. It's just they're trying to make up for the time that they're not around. Speaker 1: (05:18)So we have to not take these personally as the parent that is more of the disciplinarian. You know, the one who has to be a little more serious and make sure things are rolling smoothly. When the children respond to a narcissistic parent first they could be in fear of that parent. Or like I said, that parent may put on the fun face and be the fun parent and try not to take it personally because it's not. It's your child trying to connect to both parents and that's absolutely normal as a child, right? You want to have the two parents in your life be very stable and you want that, that connection. You want to feel loved if they have a narcissistic parent. It's very common that that narcissistic parent, though they may be fun still may make the child feel not important or valued. Many times it could be the bulk of the time, but they still, you know, make it fun. Speaker 1: (06:14)But that child will still be seeking something. They're not getting filled by the parent. So they're seeking their approval and they want, they like desperately wanna connect because the narcissist makes it hard to connect. Whereas you, the healthy parent, you don't make it hard to connect, it's easy. They know they have you, right? So it's, they take you for granted. And this is, this is normal. That's childhood. Children are selfish by nature. Their brains don't fully develop till they're like 26. So we got a while , we got a while till they really get it and even maybe till their parents themselves. So alongside of it just being hard to parent children because they can be selfish. If you have a narcissist in the picture, it can be easy to be like, you know, well, why do they gravitate toward them or why do they see nice things in them when they're so horrible? Speaker 1: (07:09)It's just unfortunately part of the package and really try hard to not take it personally. I am telling you, eventually the child sees the narcissistic parent for what they are. It may take a year, it may take decades. We don't, it just depends on the child, the situation. But eventually the children will see the truth and as their adults get to make their own decisions and what they do with that relationship, this may seem obvious, but I gotta throw it in there. Watch for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse, anything. If you see any signs immediately report it to the authorities. Keep your child away and of course, document everything. Always document everything. I can't say that enough. That should be my tagline in my show. Document everything, all right, last, be a healthy parent. We're not gonna be perfect, right? Speaker 1: (08:05)We're just not. No one's perfect, no one's a hundred percent healthy. We all have our faults, but you can't choose how your partner parents, your child, but you can offset it with healthy parenting. So be a good role model. Coach your child through the rough patches. The antidote to your partner's narcissism is acceptance, stability, uplifting comments, and unconditional love. We don't need to flip to the other extreme of letting the child take over the house and letting guilt kind of guide our decisions and spoiling our children rotten. That can be damaging too, right? But there is a balance and you are going to have to compensate for the damage that they can do on the children. And that is, it's part of what, what we're signing up for here as co-parenting. This is probably not what you expected out of life, but here we are. Speaker 1: (09:02)So we have to manage it the best way we can. And you're the person, you're here. So obviously you're the healthier person looking to do better and be better and grow and thrive and you want your children to do the same. So you have to really not get sucked into the drama, not get sucked into the emotions, especially around your children, right? If you need a moment to cry or punch a pillow, go do the thing. But not in front of your kids. Don't talk about the situation to your girlfriend at volume 11 on the phone in the kitchen when your kid is right there in the living room next to you, kids hear everything. Let this be a reminder. So save those conversations for your private hour. I don't know what that is. That sounds, that sounds like a whole other podcast, but you know what I mean. Speaker 1: (09:49)When you have time without your child where they cannot hear you, they are not an earshot, then you have those conversations. So that is also healthy parenting kids only need one healthy parent. That's my view. Honestly. I think they need one healthy role model in their life. It's great to have obviously healthy friends and family to help support and be there to lean on for you and your child, of course. But I have seen amazing children come out of one parent households, very, very healthy children and many kids don't even get that, right? There are families that have two parents that are really messed up. So I know sometimes it feels lonely as the only healthy parent, but know that it's good enough. You are good enough. Be that healthy role model so they have a chance because that narc parent, it's not an easy road, but you are there to compensate for it and you're doing a great job and none of this is easy, but it's doable. Speaker 1: (11:00)And then we have to take care of our mind and body with, you know, all my other episodes going into rebalancing your nervous system, all that stuff is really important too. So make sure while you're going through this, you're also taking care of yourself. All right, so remember, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a queen co-parent. Check that out, okay? You're a queen co-parent now. See you soon. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

Ep 16 Want to be a Healthy Role Model for your Kids? What Not to Do When Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Mentioned Episode:
The Grey Rock Method:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist. Speaker 1: (00:40)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings. Speaker 1: (02:52)They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that. Speaker 1: (03:52)So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket. Speaker 1: (04:44)Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right? Speaker 1: (05:39)So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings. Speaker 1: (06:30)Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (07:22)You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court? Speaker 1: (08:19)Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate. Speaker 1: (09:15)And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right? Speaker 1: (10:04)So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon. Speaker 1: (10:50)By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

Ep 15 Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
Mentioned Episode:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-14-how-to-stay-calm-and-in-control-during/id1662241353?i=1000604104790
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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Let's connect on social media!
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34)Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42)Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40)Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34)And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27)I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

Ep 13 | Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:43)First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down. Speaker 1: (02:32)It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic. Speaker 1: (03:22)I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care. Speaker 1: (04:13)I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to. Speaker 1: (04:53)We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either. Speaker 1: (05:54)It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak? Speaker 1: (06:44)I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low. Speaker 1: (07:36)So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace? Speaker 1: (08:26)Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system. Speaker 1: (09:18)You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:07)But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean? Speaker 1: (10:58)We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that. Speaker 1: (11:44)I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Ep 12 | Trouble Getting Motivated After Abuse? How the 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins Can Help!

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
Speaker 1: (00:00), is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be. Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse. Speaker 1: (02:35)So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever. Speaker 1: (03:33)Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you. Speaker 1: (04:29)And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.

Ep 11 | 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30)So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28)So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14)Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13)But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02)Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55)Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50)That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

Ep 10 | 5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
MENTIONED LINKS:
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33)So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22)And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05)I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55)The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44)Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37)Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Ep 9 | How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34)What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20)So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11)So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05)But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55)I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46)I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44)Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.

Ep 8 | 5 Ways to Deal with Guilt Trips from Family and Friends After Going No Contact with a Narcissist

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
One of the most difficult (and somewhat unexpected) things about going no contact with a narcissist is the others that they pull in to guilt trip you! In today's episode I will talk about the ways to deal with this triangulation.  It isn't your fault, and just because others join in on the blame game, doesn't make it the truth. You know your truth, queen! 
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, hello. Today we are going to talk about something that is not talked about so much in regards to dealing with narcissism. As if the wrath of the narcissist after you cut them off is not enough, the guilt others may place on you can be devastating. In today's episode, I will discuss ways to help deal with those guilt trips because ain't nobody got time for that. Speaker 1: (00:27)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL call. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:37)When I disconnected from the narcissist in my life, other family members came at me telling me I was ruining the family. I did question myself but knew logically. Of course, the person who actually ruined the family was the one who was, I don't know, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Not me. But when you have gone through narcissistic abuse, your mind has been so tattered and twisted and messed up that you go back and forth believing the truth and the narcissist truth. Those are two different things. Spoiler alert. So guilt trips can absolutely work on you. You're an easy target for guilt trips. But I got therapy, which I highly recommend and I worked through that fake news story and created some solid ways to temper the guilt trips. So let's dig into the five ways to deal with it, to navigate all of the lovely guilt trips that may be coming your way. Speaker 1: (02:33)Alright, number one, have a short and simple phrase for when anyone comes at you with. Mine was because I don't mince words. That's. This other person is abusive and that is not my fault. You can do your own lovely little version of it. You don't have to have a curse word in there. I highly recommend it. I love a good and just make it short and simple and always go back to that and repeat it. That is is your, you don't get emotional, you don't fluff away with other words or well, this and that. No, just stick to the basics. Did I mess that up sometimes? Yeah, I'm human. Did I give myself grace? Yes, we need a lot of grace. Okay, number two, hang up, hang up the phone, walk away, leave. Get away from anyone trying to place blame on you for not tolerating abuse cuz that's what it is. Speaker 1: (03:26)I want you to let that sink in. We're actually gonna repeat it. I'm a good repeater. I'm like a parrot. Do not stick around anyone that is placing blame on you for not tolerating abuse. That's what it comes down to. Don't let them twist it into something. It's not. It's plain and simple. You decided to protect your peace. You walked away. You're not tolerating abuse that is healthy. You are the healthy one. Remember that? So you have full permission to say, I'm, I've gotta go. You can be polite about it or you don't have to be polite about it. They're not being polite to you. You can hang up the phone. You can say in a nice language, Hey, I've gotta run. Catch you later when you're not guilt tripping me. Hang up, walk away. Always be in a place. If you know these people are guilt tripper types, make sure when you're with them you have a way to get out without you know their car. Speaker 1: (04:17)Like you have your own car or whatever it is. Set your situations up and it might sound like that's a lot of planning. You'll get used to it. You know who you can trust and who you can or who you feel comfortable around in these situations as you navigate getting out of a narcissistic situation, always have a plan to get out because it can get uncomfortable. And then you have the control and can leave if you need to leave, if it's on the phone, that's an easy hangup button, but don't tolerate it. Okay, number three, ask them not to mention said person's name anymore. I did this in my life. I will say it's something I'm still navigating, um, still dealing with. I still have my moments where I take the bait. We're human so I want you to give yourself grace in this. But it is a very good habit to develop to not have their name mentioned and talked about if possible. Speaker 1: (05:06)I know with co-parenting that's trickier, but if there's someone in your life that you have been able to fully disconnect from, you can ask anyone that may be related or you have mutual friends, just I'd prefer if you don't talk about them in my presence, I'm, you know, I'm trying to heal and move on. It can bring it back up and I just like to avoid it. And you can mention that it will benefit both of you or all of you. If there's more than one, this will benefit everybody because it will keep the drama at bay and keep the peace. Number four, get support. A therapist, a life coach like me. Someone who truly understands narcissism. That is the important part. There are many people who do not get it. So shop around. It's like dating. Find somebody who truly gets it. I, I literally asked my therapist, have you been through narcissistic abuse? Speaker 1: (06:01)She opened up and told me she did. She told me a little of her experience. So I felt like okay, she's been through it. She knows how to navigate better than somebody who hasn't. Life experience is a thing. I believe it can go further than words in a book that people study. I respect that. I think it's great. The combination is the best way you can heal is if you have somebody who has the education and has also been through the experience. So getting support is huge. You're going to need it if you have someone coming at you guilt tripping you on the heels of disconnecting from a narcissist where you have the wrath of that narcissist and you're in a vulnerable space, you are going to need support again, always in the show notes is the phone number for the domestic abuse hotline where you can call them even if you don't have physical abuse going on. Speaker 1: (06:49)I wanna reiterate that you can call them for support and get counseling, all of that good stuff. So check that out in the show notes. Number five, expect it to continue. This is not the fun part. I shouldn't have ended on this. The narcissist will keep triangulating and that's when they bring someone else in to kind of do their dirty work or um, you know, cause problems basically and bugging that person or people which causes them to try to make you fix things, right? Them as in the people they're triangulating, then they will try to get you to fix the situation or make it better because they're getting it on their end from the narcissist. They are usually very fearful of the narcissist as many are. So instead of asking the narcissist to drop it or going against the narcissist, they will continue to guilt trip you to reconnect with the narcissist. Speaker 1: (07:39)So trying to get you to reconnect so that they can get rid of the narcissist pressure on them. Tough. Protect your peace people, okay? This is not okay. This is what the narcissist sets up on purpose to triangulate to try to cause more problems. And you have to just know this is going to happen and I've gotta be strong and do those other four things to get through it. So you have to set boundaries with these people in your life that give you guilt trips. There's no other way around that You're going to have to, in some cases you may have to disconnect from them if they will not leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, when someone's in the web of a narcissist, you know how it is. You've been through it, you know it's hard to get out of. And I at times have compassion for these people because I know what it's like to be under the thumb of a narcissist. Speaker 1: (08:32)It's not easy and you're scared of them. Maybe you're terrified of them, but I'm gonna tell you that is not your. You need to heal you and protect your peace. You can always give advice. I always say give advice once, right? So you can give your advice to these people but their is not your. And if they're on you and making you feel guilty and they're not stopping when you're asking them to, then you can can absolutely remove yourself or you know, make a dis more of a distant relationship with that person. Whatever you have to do to protect your peace, your peace is really important. As much stuff as I've gone through, I am the most at peace and happiest I've ever been in my life. And I would not be here without setting very strong boundaries that were very hard not just to set but to keep. Speaker 1: (09:19)Because people don't always make it easy, especially if a narcissist is involved because they're in the web of the narcissist and they're under their trance, they're under their spell and it can make for a lot of difficulty. But I am here to tell you there is hope and some of these people will absolutely respect your wishes if they value your relationship enough, right? So you have to, like I said, have a short phrase so you can just shut it down. That's. They're an abuser, not my fault. Okay? Hang up, leave the situation. If they're trying to guilt trip you just get out, get away from it. Three, ask them not to mention their name anymore that it will benefit you both and getting that support and then expecting it. And I don't say that to to be like womp womp expect it, but I think it helps us kind of just set the expectations and like, okay, this is gonna happen but I can handle it and everything's gonna be okay. Speaker 1: (10:15)I got this, you got this queen, right? You deserve to not be guilt tripped. You don't deserve that. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault and I want you to really, really hear that and feel validated because we do not get validated that it's not our fault. So this is a safe place where I see you and I know what you're going through and you're going to be okay and you have to keep believing it's not your fault. And don't get sucked into the guilt trips, okay? You are a queen bee, so don't forget that queen bees not your fault. Something else might be your fault. , I got, I got my own share of fault, right? We all got faults, we all have stuff we've done. We're not perfect. But someone being abusive to you is never ever your fault. You not tolerating it. Speaker 1: (11:07)You aren't breaking up a family that's not of your doing, that's you saying, I'm not dealing with this anymore and I'm walking away. And that's strength and that's beautiful and I love you for it. I'm proud of you and as always, smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over athttps://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.