NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Ep 59 | Healing Trauma Through Breathwork

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TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Huh, that's me being creepy, but also me introducing what we are going to talk about today, which is breath work. What are the benefits of breath work for people who are looking to heal? Stay close and you will find out, Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you, I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and embody more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:15)I was introduced to breath work during the global pandemic of 2020 when I think we all needed some breath work. Uh, it was good timing. Yes, I was introduced to that and it really can be life changing and there's so much more to it than you would think. There's all sorts of types of practices. That was all a lot of words to say. Different practices for breath work, just different patterns, different ways you can use it from physical healing to mental and emotional and spiritual healing. There's just a lot of jam pack goodness up in the breath work world. I have done some breath work with my clients and I am getting certified to not only do breath work but all sorts of fun somatic healing therapies. So I'll be talking about that more. But I also wanna get to the point of this episode and dive in. Speaker 1: (02:13)So what does breath work do? Breath work refers to various practices that involve conscious control and manipulation of our breath, right? And we do this to achieve specific outcomes, like I said, that can be physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. So while individual experience can vary, these are five ways in general which breath work can potentially contribute to your healing on this lovely healing journey you are on. Number one, stress reduction. And this is big. This is a big one. We want stress reduction when we're going through the healing journey. We don't need extra stress, we need a lot less. So this is a great way. So deep and rhythmic breathing activates what is called, and you may have heard of this I've mentioned a couple times in some of my episodes. But parasympathetic nervous system, right? And this promotes relaxation and reduces the effects of the body stress response, which is normal in our everyday lives. Speaker 1: (03:17)But we can use this breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. And this can lead to lower levels of cortisol. I've heard that word thrown around a lot. It is the stress hormone and this can help lower it and get you to a calmer state of mind, which will help alleviate all the symptoms with stress related crap, right? We, we know all the feelings, the racing heart, the sweating, the nervousness, the worry, all of that can totally be helped just by deep and rhythmic breathing. That's why they do it during labor. Number two, improved mental clarity. This was like the icing on the cake for me. So focused and intentional breathing can enhance mental clarity and concentration. So increasing this flow of oxygen to the brain with, again, there's different patterns we can use for different things, but increasing that flow of oxygen can improve the cognitive function and help all of us gain better control over our thoughts and reduce that mental fog. Speaker 1: (04:30)Can I get a what? What for the perimenopause women of the world right now? Or a menopausal mental fog is a thing. I'm starting to get it. I'm not loving it so I'm gonna start doing a little more breath work around that. But it enhances the overall mental wellbeing. So I am loving this benefit. Number three, emotional release breath work can provide a very cathartic release of those pent up emotions. Certain techniques encourage the expression and release of those stored emotions letting us process and let go of the burdens we carry, right? This can be particularly beneficial for those dealing with trauma. We know about trauma if we're in that narcissistic world, which if you're on here, you may be anxiety in general or grief And grief is a huge one. And around the holidays it can be really, really hard if you have been grieving someone or you just grieve have had to grieve anyone or a loss of a relationship, even that can be considered a grief, right? Speaker 1: (05:40)So it's releasing all of these things and breath work can kind of release that, you know? And it's just like that bottled up. Like you feel like you're gonna explode and you hold it in and this is a way to let it out without screaming and crying and punching a pillow. , you just gotta breathe girl. Um, no, but I do like this one. This is like a great way to, when you're kind of just feeling overwhelmed with emotions, it's a really good way to release it in a healthy way. Not saying that screaming a punching a pillow is not healthy. I mean that is a way you can do it too. Just don't punch anybody or something that could hurt your hand. Okay, number four, enhanced mind and body connection. So breath work often emphasizes that connection between the mind and the body. I am big on this. Speaker 1: (06:35)I'm always saying get out of your mind and into your body because they are connected. But sometimes we have to know when to lean into which one. As humans, especially as women, especially as women who have gone through some shunt, we can get so stuck in our mind and our thoughts. So through this mindful breathing, we can become more aware of the physical sensations, our emotions, and our thought patterns. And this increases our awareness for a greater sense of self-awareness, knowing what's going on with all parts of us and a deeper connection between that mental and the physical, right? So why I was talking about the whole leaning on one side versus the other is the more self-aware you are of where your thoughts are, right? Like, oh wow, I'm really in my head right now. Maybe I need to glide over into my body focusing on that breath. Speaker 1: (07:38)Maybe you start doing, there's other somatic practices you can do like grounding or just tracking different things going on with your physical body. You can start rubbing your hands together, getting out of your head and into your body will change how you are, you know, basically functioning because you're going from inside of those thoughts and the mind racing and putting it into the the physical body, which is a great place to be when you're trying to calm your nervous system down. Last but not least, regulation of the autonomic nervous system. So again, these various breath work techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, which is through your diaphragm, very focused on breathing in and out of the diaphragm and paced breathing. I do a lot of that with my clients can influence that part of the nervous system. And this can lead to a better balance between this sympathetic, which is that fight or flight. Speaker 1: (08:40)You know what I mean? I'm always the fight person. Unfortunately if something's coming at me, I'm going right back at it, right? But there's also that flight side. I have a friend they actually used to call us fight and flight. I was always like, what is it? I'll take care of it. I'll protect y'all. Little scrappy do as my husband calls me and my friend was flight, like she just doesn't like anything that's just not totally calm. It freaks her out and she shuts down. So she just disappear. Like you'd be like, where did she go? Where did that woman go? And then I'm there with my scrappy dupal, right? But that's the sympathetic part of the system. And then the S parasympathetic is the rest and digest. So these are the branches of that nervous system. So this balance is crucial for your overall health. Speaker 1: (09:34)So you've got to be having a balance of both of these helping to reduce, get this, y'all get this helps reduce chronic inflammation, which is one of the biggest part of our modern world as like as far as health goes, there's so much inflammation from diet, from stress. That nervous system, when it is all crazy and chaotic, it throws our system off and it causes chronic inflammation. So this can help promote the healing process within the body. And I think that's freaking epic and I love it. And I love this work. I'm so excited to be getting deeper into this myself as I go through my certification. So I can definitely touch on this stuff I do with my clients. Like I said, if you want to work with me, do some coaching, do some breath breathwork, do other modalities of energy healing, please look at the different packages I have in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:36)And also you can always email me at fierce Mama C at Gmail, that is in my show notes as well. And breathwork really is a great supplement if you're in therapy, if you're doing coaching, if you're just on a healing journey trying out different things to see what works best for you, it's a great thing to explore. And with like talk therapy coaching, it's really a good, good supplement to get the healing from the body out. Almost that sounded weird like where we we're a weird transformer, but all the talking and coaching and motivation, like there is a lot of great things happening there. I see it with my own clients, but I wanted to start adding this deeper layer so we can also in parallel be really going deep and heal from the inside out while we are doing a little of the coaching therapy. Speaker 1: (11:25)So I'm so excited to be kind of doing the shift. So any feedback from you guys on things you would like to see me cover on here on this podcast, please email me again in the show notes. Um, and a reminder, if you have health concerns, please consult with your doctor before incorporating breath work into your practice just to make sure you're all good. If you're a typical healthy person, obviously you wanna go in slow and you don't wanna do the, the really deep fast breaths like right away. In my experience, I did that right away. 'cause I'm always like, look at me, I'm gonna jump in everything I do. I like to like really dive in and I did a little too fast. I didn't like pass out or anything, but I was like, I think that I feel a little bit lightheaded. So definitely go in slow, work your way up. Speaker 1: (12:16)If you're a typical healthy individual, if you do have health issues, talk to your doctor about how you can make breath work, work for you. There's definitely ways to do it. It's just gonna probably be slower, the pacing, maybe building up very slowly, but that is not my specialty. So I would like you to check in with your doctor if you do have those special health conditions. Okie dokie. Anyway, I love you guys. I'm so excited for, I don't know, life . No, I'm excited to introduce you to this modality. If you have not heard of it before. Most most of us have heard of breathing. That's a thing. But breath work as in really being a healing tool. I'm just, I'm just so excited and fascinated by how beneficial it can be. So I will talk to you in the next episode of, but still Sheath Rises. Let's Hands to Heart It. We're gonna do a couple affirmations here. If you're on the road, do not put your hands on your heart, please keep 'em on the wheel unless you're in an Uber . All right, let's take a deep breath in through the nose and out one more through the nose and out. Speaker 1: (13:36)I can heal myself. Repeat after me. I am healing every day. Last one, KA, I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you. Keep that chin up. You are doing an amazing job. It is holiday season if you're listening to this live, and the narcissists come out full-blown. So be prepared. Let me know if you need my support, message me or sign up for one of my packages and I'll talk to you soon. Smooches Andes.

ep 58 | 10 Ways to Handle Toxic People This Thanksgiving

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Grey Rock Method Podcast Episode mentioned: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm very excited about this episode. Um, I love this because I have so much to say about it. Hopefully I won't blab on too long. I'll try to keep it under 20. But we're gonna talk about tips on dealing with toxic people, abusive people, narcissists, whatever you wanna call it, all under the same umbrella of jackasses. Basically during the holiday season, we're gonna talk about Thanksgiving because that's what is happening this week. I'm getting a lot of questions about what do I do? I have to see this person. So if you're forced to see someone, we will talk about that. And I have one big tip coming up right after this little intro. Speaker 1: (00:50)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48)Okay, my first major tip, this is like not included in the 10. Um, overall, I just wanna say to you, give yourself permission to not have to put up with just because someone is a family member or a longtime friend. Okay? I know especially when we're younger, we feel like we don't have that control. If you're under 18, you're under your parents' thumb. Um, I have stuff to say about that as well, but especially when you have reached a certain age of adulthood where you are allowed to make your own decisions, sometimes you don't feel like you can, but I'm here to tell you you can. And if you have that strength to go against the grain to be the black sheep, which I have become in ways and that's okay in my own family, it has brought me so much peace. Not feeling like, oh, I have to do this because it's a family member, I have to put up with X, Y, Z 'cause it's a family member. Speaker 1: (02:51)The freedom that came with realizing I don't have to and living the life where I don't put up with it and I don't tolerate it. And I disconnect from anyone who's abusive to me has been the biggest growth leap of my life and is how I am here now doing what I do for business. So it's been an awesome journey. But let's dive into the tips. If you are going to be around people that are not so great, toxic, abusive, narcissist, all of the above. First of all, you need to set boundaries, right? So this can be you're actually defining your boundaries or you have them in your head and you know what's going on with them. So if someone crosses that boundary, then you at least know I have this boundary, it's been crossed, and then you go to actually doing something about it. Speaker 1: (03:45)You have to decide what feels comfortable for you. I know a lot of us that have attracted abusers or narcissists are empathetic. We have big hearts. We put up with some. We can be people pleasers in many ways, especially with those type of people. But I'm here to tell you, if you don't, if you can't get outta this situation and you're having to just set boundaries instead saying firmly that they have done something that is not okay, you have full permission to do that and be specific about what you find unacceptable, right? Um, so instead of saying something like, you know, I don't really like your behavior, it could be like, you know, um, I really don't like you putting me down so if you put me down again, I'm going to X, Y, Z, right? This has, I've used in my own family where someone used to yell at me all the time and I said, you know, I don't tolerate being yelled at anymore. Speaker 1: (04:45)That's just not a thing I do. So if it happens again, I will get up and walk away or I will hang up the phone or whatever it is. I'm imagining these scenarios for Thanksgiving, a lot of them being in person. So you have to do what you have to do. But so you kind of, you know, think about what your boundaries are. If you know a certain person always picks on you and jabs at you or whatever in front of the whole family, let's say, right? That was another person in my family always would pick on me of course at holidays in front of everybody and knew what spots to poke, right? They grew up with me so they knew exactly what would really, really hit me and hurt me. And they did it really for enjoyment 'cause they're sick in the head. So I did not like that. Speaker 1: (05:33)I didn't do anything about it. I just, you know, oh, because if I did, if I said anything or I got offended, it was like, oh, you are just sensitive. I'm just joking, right? So what you could say in that situation, if a person is like that, so you kind of are prepared for that. You can say, look, your jokes aren't funny. I don't find them entertaining, I don't like them. Please don't do that anymore. And if you do, I'm going to whatever your action is going to be. When a narcissist is in the spotlight specifically, this could go for anyone who's kind of likes to be in control and you say, look, this is how you're treating me and I don't like it. And you're in front of everybody like that. They don't want a negative light shown on them. They might make a joke or whatever, kind of dismiss it and put you down, but they may be careful to not do it again because you've spoken it, you've shone a light on it and said this is not okay and I won't tolerate that. Speaker 1: (06:33)Right? So it can be effective. Another thing to try to do is stay calm. Toxic people may try to provoke that reaction, right? I was talking about, that's what one of my closest narcs did to me is important though to stay calm and composed, right? They want you to react, they want to get that reaction out of you. So responding with anger or frustration could escalate it and actually helps them feel even more in control, right? So just taking deep breaths and focusing on maintaining your composure. Don't stoop to their level. And as I always say, don't take the bait, right? If it gets pushed to the point that you wanna set those boundaries out loud or you feel like you need to, you can also though, keep in mind setting boundaries can be somebody says something that jabs you. You, you stay calm and you just say, oh, I have to make a phone call. Speaker 1: (07:34)Get up, get out of the room. Right? Like, if you want to remove yourself from the situation, that's okay. I did that before I disconnected from the narcissist in my life. He had said some really stuff to me. Of course it was Christmas Eve 'cause it's no better time than the holidays to try to on someone in front of the whole family. So that's what he was doing. And I got upset and I held it in. I didn't, I was like, even at that point I was like, I don't want him to let, I don't want him to know he's gotten to me this much. He doesn't deserve that. And I, so I just took some breaths, I stood up and I just said, I'm not feeling well. Walked out, went to the basement, calmed down in the room, got myself together, came back, and then we'll get to what another tactic is in a minute. Speaker 1: (08:32)Actually, we'll just go. It's a good segue. Redirected the conversation, right? Oh, sorry. Hmm. My stomach was a little whatever. Oh, you know, that's probably 'cause I had, uh, eight cups of ice cream earlier. What's your favorite ice cream grandpa, right? Redirecting the conversation. If it turns negative, redirect it. They're gonna look like bigger and bigger. The more they try to not treat you well. So if you do shine the light on it, they'll look like an if they keep poking. And if you try to redirect the conversation and they keep putting it back on you, it's gonna look obvious to other people. And other people hopefully would, uh, join in, in trying to help redirect the conversation or standing up for you. Sometimes we're in families that don't stand up for ourselves and that's why we have different options, like being able to walk away, you know, staying calm. Speaker 1: (09:24)The other thing is choosing your battle. So not every situation requires a confrontation, right? Because if you're in a toxic family environment, especially that you've been in, there's probably a dynamic of there's this toxic person who's just beaten you down, but maybe you stand up for yourself or maybe it's you just started to stand up for yourself recently. You finally feel empowered and emboldened enough to be like, you know what? You're a and I think you're a narcissist, right? Like, it could explode. Not every situation, especially when your family get togethers, requires that like boom, blast, right? Decide which are actually worth addressing and which ones you can just try to nama stay your way out of. I highly suggest meditating before Thanksgiving, but sometimes it's better to disengage. Like I said, don't take the bait. They love you to react. The more you are a gray rock. Speaker 1: (10:23)I don't know if you haven't heard this term, you need to go listen to my episode. I wish I knew it offhand. I'll try to remember to put it in the show notes. Or you can look up just my podcast with Gray Rock Method or Gray Rock. It is basically a method you use if you have to be in touch with a narcissist to act as if you are a gray rock. That means blending in. That means not standing out. That means not giving a reaction. That means not getting emotional because that's all the things they want. And that they feel control when they have, when they get those things. So when they get a reaction, when they get you riled up and they see they're causing you angst and anger or whatever, all of that makes them feel more and more powerful. And it continues the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (11:11)If you're in a confrontation, you're gonna be cycling back and forth with this. So choose your battles and don't take the bait, okay? And limiting the interaction if possible. Limit your interactions. If you are having a lovely feast, try to sit as far as you can from them. If there's, you know, more than a few people try to sit at the other end of the table. Um, if you have to be near them, you can still try to really direct the conversation to other people trying not to have the one-on-one conversation. And again, if they try to, you know, if you are one of the ones that they really like to suck into their web, then if they're trying to suck you in, try to crawl yourself back out and redirect the conversation. Like we talked in the earlier earlier tip. So the other thing have an exit plan. We kind of touched on this, but if it becomes too difficult, have a plan to leave the gathering if necessary. Speaker 1: (12:19)I actually did this one story time with Christie. Um, someone got so rude and even used really horrible language that was not okay to me and I luckily had my own transportation to get out of there. So maybe skip that ride with your sibling or your parent. Take your own vehicle if possible so that if you need to leave, if it escalates or it just is so under your skin, you can't stand it. You can say, Ooh, I got a really bad headache. Whatever. Make up whatever you have, white lies are fine. When you're dealing with toxic Emma FFAs and get out of there, you have to remember, you need to protect your peace. You can't worry about what everyone else thinks. You just can't. Like, that is not part of what life is about. Yes, helping others, loving others, all of that great stuff about other people, yes, I'm all about that. Speaker 1: (13:23)One thing I'm not about is tolerating any type of abuse. Um, just so you don't feel awkward to somebody else, right? Like, or you're worried what someone will think. We've got to rewire that part of our brain that says we have to put up with X, Y, Z because there's no, because there's no reason and there's no situation where you need to sit and tolerate this type of behavior. So have an exit plan. I'm giving you full permission, okay? I'm validating your feeling that maybe you wish you could, but you don't think you can. I'm telling you, you can. The world is not gonna explode if you leave a gathering. I've left one. I'm still here and I'm actually thriving because of it. It was a moment in my life where I stood up to somebody who I had been terrified of and said, I'm not doing this anymore. Speaker 1: (14:23)And I got up and I walked out and that type of behavior changed my life forever. So I see you, I am here with you. I'm holding your hand. We are skipping out that door if they get too nasty, you hear me . If they get nasty at all, let's bolt together. Here's one that you know I'm a big advocate for is gratitude. And it is Thanksgiving. So it should be on our minds. And if you can muster up taking the breath and thinking about what you're grateful for, not that toxic person in our life, we're not gonna be thankful for them. But let's be thankful that we are not them. Let's be thankful for knowing we have the power to make decisions, to walk away. If we have to be grateful for your strength, the fact you're listening to this podcast, be grateful that you have the self-awareness you do, and the desire to grow and to have a better, more peaceful, happier life, right? Speaker 1: (15:29)There's so many things to be grateful for. So in those moments, if you can go inward, if you can take a breath, if you need to walk away and focus on three things you're grateful for, that can really shift your mood to maybe you have a awesome family member that is gonna be there or friend or a spouse that's with you. And that leads us to the next thing seeking support. Is there anybody there that is on your side, right? In some toxic families, there's a bunch of enablers to the toxic person and you feel like you're an island. That sucks. If that's a situation, you might have to find support when you leave and call a friend phone a friend, . But if you have somebody there that you can seek support from, maybe you just grab your spouse's hand under the table and just hold it and have that gratitude. Speaker 1: (16:21)Or maybe you say, Hey Suze, can you help me in the kitchen? I'm gonna get some pie. And you just have a moment with her and just say, can you just, if she knows the situation, right? You could just say, can you just be here with me for a moment? I just need a minute and I just need to feel support, whatever you have to do. But confiding in a supportive family member, having someone that knows your situation and it can help you kind of process the situation. Maybe you just wanna have a couple words. They could give you a couple words of encouragement or this could be going into the event like, you know, not actually when you're walking in, but beforehand the day before. If you wanna talk to someone close, that can just kind of give you a little morale boost. I'm all about not having to be in these situations if you don't have to, but if you are in that situation, you feel like you have to go, you have to be there in your mind. Speaker 1: (17:23)I can't change that right now. I'd like to try, but you can go in knowing that you have the support of somebody. Okay? The next thing is self-care. I'm all about that. Self-care life. This could be anything. Whatever brings you joy, whatever brings you peace. Maybe it's meditation, maybe it's the yoga, all the woowoo, or maybe it's just a nice bubble bath, getting your nails done, going for a run. Um, I'm currently doing bar class and I feel really good after that. So if I were going into a situation, little storm, I may go do some exercise before to just kind of clear my energy, right? And you can do it after as well. So any type of self-care that can look like a million different things. You know, what makes you feel good doing something leading up to it. And especially afterwards, if you've had kind of a show and need to shake those heebie-jeebies off, you know, go for a run, have a nice bath, indulge in some delicious apple pie ice cream. Speaker 1: (18:28)I am totally speaking from experience last night. It was delicious. I actually had no reason to need to self-care. I didn't have a bad situation leading up to it, but it was delicious and I don't regret it. All right? Last, but definitely not least, if you're dealing with toxic people and it becomes persistent, consider seeking advice from a therapist or someone like yours truly over here that has dealt with a lot of narcissistic abuse experience and research and knowledge, education, all of that good stuff. So we can provide guidance on coping strategies and helping you navigate the challenging family dynamics because it goes far wide and deep. There is so many, there's just so many layers, especially when it's in your family. And when multiple people are involved in that dynamic, it's not just like you have one person that may be toxic, there's usually enablers or other victims or, um, you know, if you have disconnected or if you've had, uh, an issue with a toxic person, they may smear your name to other family members. Speaker 1: (19:47)It, it can really impact your mental and physical wellbeing. So I love helping people that are going through it, work through it quickly. That is, I think, my specialty. I'm discovering the quickness that I can help people move through this stuff is pretty awesome. And I, that's why I do it because I'm like, I've gotten all this knowledge, all this experience, I have gotten myself from A to B and I'm in this peaceful, joyful life and I have boundaries and I know how to navigate and I have coping skills and I just want to help anybody I freaking can because no one should have to live how I used to feel. Nobody. And if you're feeling like that, please reach out. I have the ways to work with me in my podcast, you know, show notes over there, whatever you wanna call 'em. Description, show notes. Speaker 1: (20:43)Um, and my email is always there. It's fierce mamay at Gmail, but it's always in the show notes too. So reach out. Let me help you because this stuff is not easy. And I could not have walked the path alone when I was on my journey of dealing with this and, and realizing what it was and trying to get out. Then once I was out, I still really needed support to get the coping skills and, you know, grow in a way that was comfortable but also quick. 'cause I don't like to, I don't like to spend a whole lot of time on the past. Yes, it's important to know what's happened in the past and to navigate that. But what is more important to me is I'm here now. How can I cope now? What can I do to the damage that's been done? What can I do to help my nervous system and what can I do moving forward? Speaker 1: (21:41)Not just to like heal, but to actually thrive. That's why my podcast is called, but still she thrives because I don't wanna settle for just healing. I want to thrive. I want to help women thrive, right? So if you're ready to thrive, hit me up. Let's work together and good luck with all those toxic, narcissist, abusive, whatever is out there, good luck navigating them this Thanksgiving, this holiday season, I will be doing more episodes about this because it is real the holiday season full of narcissists and toxic people. So I want to give you a big warm hug. You got this. But if you need extra support, let me know. Reach out to me and see you in the next episode, next Tuesday and every Tuesday on your favorite podcast platforms. Like all of them. I think I'm on all of them. I don't know if I know all of 'em, all of them. Should I say all of them again? Alright, see you guys. Smooches and Mooches and I love you. Ps I totally went past 20 minutes as anticipated. I was trying, I was trying, but we're about to hit 22 and Sea Crest out.

Ep 57 | Texting with a Narcissist : What to Know

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Alright, so today's episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to text with a narcissist. I'm so excited about this one. I think I might do like actual examples in a future episode, but today we're gonna talk about like the different ways and things that narcissists do in general. So grab yourself a frale app. Chatta venti. I don't do Starbucks, I don't do coffee, so I don't know. I have enough energy, I don't need it. But if you do grab it, maybe take a little cozy seat, a little cozy blankie and settle on into all the narcissistic fun. Speaker 1: (00:51)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48)Okay, so usually I'm like a little more organized, but today I am not and I'm gonna go with it. I just follow my nose like that. Uh, what's it called? Two Can Sam follow my nose? The fruit loop guy. Alright, so anyway, I have super ADD this morning, so I'm just gonna go down. I took some notes of things that have definitely happened in my life on text with narcissists that I know I've known a couple. I've had a family member narc, a friend narc, and an ex narc. So we'll take all the fun from those people and talk about it and I'm sure you'll be able to relate. I know all of my clients that have been in narcissistic relationships. If you don't know I'm a life coach. I specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery, but I do also have clients that have not been through abuse. Speaker 1: (02:39)Um, but that was like a through line when I started coaching where I was like, wait, a lot of these people have been through abuse. Like a lot of people that I was coaching, a lot of stay-at-home moms. Um, a lot of women that were, I mean just from all walks of life. And I was like, hmm, several of them have this thing thing. And I start focusing on that because that is the deeper seated stuff that can cause you to hold yourself back in your life, not have confidence, all that. So that's just a little backstory again, ADD here today. So let's just go in to things that I notice. There's no particular order. I might backtrack, so try to stay with me, drink that coffee so you can keep up with Christie and we'll dive in. So the first thing I'm sure all of you, if you know a narcissist, you know they brag. Speaker 1: (03:32)They brag and there's a difference between having confidence and being cocky, right? Or having a false sense of superiority where you think you're more important than you are. Stuff like that. So bragging is so common with these narcissists. It's just constant. So something, even some narcissists really you won't even hear from them without them bragging. Or maybe you'll only hear from them when they need that ego boost. Depending how close you are with them. Like a lot of you won't believe what I did or guess look what I got. I had one narcissist in my life. Literally all they did was brag all the time. Look what I did. Or if they have children, they can use that extension of themselves, which if you don't know a narcissistic parent, their children really have one role and that is the extension of the narcissist. So if they have a kid that's doing really well, that is all they'll talk about and they will also kind of take the credit for it often, right? Speaker 1: (04:38)So bragging about themselves mostly or you know, a spouse or a child, but somehow it ends up kind of them taking credit. So bragging is very, very common because they need that supply. We call it in the narcissist world, narcissistic supply. Basically it is feeding their ego. So they brag because when they need their ego fed, they want everyone to be like, oh my god, y'all are so amazing. And they're like, look, look. See, 'cause deep, deep down, they don't believe they're that important. They need and rely on other people to make them feel important, right? Okay. Another thing acting as if they didn't just royally f you over or maybe they said really horrible things like the day before or even hours before. I've had this where it was almost comical how close in time it was with the up and down, right? And sometimes people can get confused by bipolar and narcissist that and there is a difference. Speaker 1: (05:44)Um, with narcissists it's usually more calculated. It's not like an emotional high and low. It's more of they're playing a game, they're trying to gain control. And if one thing doesn't work, then they will try another. So in this case though, let's say this can relate to, you know, not having control 'cause it with narcissists, they're always trying to seek control, gain control, see if they have control. It's all about control. So let's say your co-Parenting with a Narcissist, I'll give an example of that 'cause that's very common. And a lot of my clients are co-parenting with narcissists. So let's say this morning you're getting your child ready for school and your narcissist texts you and is like, Hey, I wanna talk to my kid. And you're like, we are literally running out the door, but we'll we'll call you, FaceTime me, whatever after school. Speaker 1: (06:36)And they blow up. Say, you don't let me see my child as much as I want. You've ruined our family, right? All of this overdramatic stuff because they're not getting exactly what they want and they're trying to control the situation and they can't. So then fast forward to lunchtime, you get a text and it says, Hey, hey Bud or something, right? There could be an endearing, even reach out like a casual, hey, I don't know, people don't go around saying, Hey friend, but you know, if you have ever had a nickname with them or something, they're trying to get you to soften back up. So they'll soften it and then say something like, because they need something. Now they realized on their calendar that this week they have a concert they could go to. So they need you to switch weekends. Let's say you have split custody. Speaker 1: (07:27)Okay? Hey girl, Ryan hassling all over the place. Hey girl, could you do me a huge favor this weekend? Could you take, let's say Abigail, your daughter, could you take Abigail? It would be so amazing if you could do that. 'cause I have something that's come up, blah, blah, blah, right? So they can switch literally within hours. They act like nothing happened. Like they just didn't curse you out this morning. And they're gonna try to soften you up and blow things over quickly so they can get their way. It's usually that, right? Or let's say they blow up, they're nasty to you and then you don't talk to 'em. Let's say it's a family member. So you're like, forget this. So you don't, don't respond. A week goes by, they're like, she didn't respond. Oh my god, right? Because they're used to having control of you, but you're growing, you're growing queen. Speaker 1: (08:25)So you're like, forget him. I'm not writing back to that monster. They don't like that feeling. They feel like they don't have control now, so they're gonna come back as if nothing happened. This is part of gaslighting making you think you're crazy. Like this just didn't happen a week ago where they blew their top. And we'll say something like, oh man, send, let's say they'll send you a nostalgic, um, song you used to both love. Like, hey, remember this? Oh, we had so much fun back in the nineties. , right? They will go back as if nothing happened. And they will try to see if you answer, let's say you don't answer, then they'll come at you again and then they'll, they'll reach even more. Did you, you wanna grab coffee on Sunday? No one loves black coffee like you and me do they try to make you special? Speaker 1: (09:13)We'll go into that in a second, right? So there they are trying to gain control of the situation. So let's dive into that one, that next one of trying to make you feel special things like, you're the only one who gets me, or you're the one, only one who would appreciate X, Y, Z. Like I do like black coffee, which like most, like not most people, some people like black coffee though, right? You're not the only one in the world, but they will make you feel like you're the only one in the world who is like them, who gets them. You're so special. They know how to pump your ego so they can gain that control. And texts in general can be very up and down. Like we're talking about that up and down. It's more of a control tactic. It's usually calculated or it's more of, it could be a tantrum. Speaker 1: (09:56)Like they're not getting the race. So if they try to be nice and they're like, Hey girl, oh, uh, that was really awesome, X, Y, z. If they're like desperate to get you to respond so they're being nice and you don't respond, then they can swing right back, start blowing up. And if you don't respond to that, they will usually start threatening. So there can definitely be threats in texts that can range from mild threats. Well fine, I'm, I'm not gonna talk to you, I'm blocking you. Right? They, it's almost like childlike. I've had that happen so much when I don't respond. narcissists being like, well I'm gonna block you. This is it. This is done, this is final. And then, you know, like whatever, 25 minutes later, they're still going on, right? So they, they're empty threats but then they can be to the extreme of violent threats of just threatening to make you scared and they're often cowards and so they have to feel big and bad with their threats. Speaker 1: (10:56)So that is not cool whether they're empty or not. I don't care if you feel threatened and you really feel nervous about your safety, I want you to evaluate if you need to get a peace order restraining order, whatever, and that's a whole other, that's a whole other thing. So if you want to email me about that fierce mama C at Gmail, my email is always in the show notes. Feel free to email me if you have questions about that. I don't wanna get in all this legal jargon in the middle of this episode, but um, I know those can be scary for some people and I get it and depending on your situation. So that's something to also just throw in here also is always the um, one 800 number to domestic abuse hotline that should always be in my show notes. So also reach out to them if you are feeling scared for your safety. Speaker 1: (11:45)Alright? The other thing is trying to make you feel jealous. , this one makes me laugh so hard when in the past when the narcs try to make me jealous, I just, it never works on me. It has never worked my whole life. I just don't get jealous like that. And it works on some people, it can definitely work on people. So I'm not trying to dismiss it, it's just my personality that doesn't take the bait on that even like in the beginning of my journey because it seems so obvious usually, right? So an example of a narc in my life I had not seen in years wrote saying how they had all of these awesome people visit them during the summer and had so much fun and it was too bad. I was such a jerk that I would not get to experience all the fun that they had, right? Speaker 1: (12:31)Like, I mean I literally cracked up at that text message. Those people can have you please go have more fun with them. That would be great for you. Go stop telling me about it. I don't give a. Um, and that's the mentality you need to have. Don't take the bait, you've got to. And this takes time, you know, for many people, especially in romantic relationships or if it's like your parent or someone very close in your family, but you have got to cut that emotional tie to maybe get to that place. But it does help if you know that they do it on purpose, it can help for it to be easier for you. Also, they seem to forget the past and act as if you are the one who caused the problems. And I say forget in quotes, they seem to quote forget. Speaker 1: (13:14)They don't forget. They know, okay, these people know but they do it again. So they can use it to manipulate you and gaslight you to make you feel crazy. Like you are the problem. You are not the problem. Honey. Honey, child, you are not the problem. I'm not the problem. I mean, am I perfect? No. Have I ever had a moment? Sure, but I know when you are dealing with a narcissist, they are the problem , okay? They're the problem. Don't question yourself. Don't let them get into your head. The only thing is that being said in times of desperation to gain control back of you or the situation or if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs that can make them be more vulnerable in a way they may admit fault. And I say quote, I say admit in quotes too. They may admit because really it's usually calculated. Speaker 1: (14:09)They're trying to get control and say, I'll do anything, whatever, just call me right? When they're feeling like they're losing the grip on you. So when you don't, which I highly recommend, do not take that bait when you don't though they will lash back out and they'll go back to blaming you, right? It's just this moment of usually, unless they're highly under the influence of something, they may have a truly vulnerable moment. But that is so rare. It is, I'm gonna say like 95, 90 9% just that desperate attempt to gain control. So they're not truly admitting anything, it's just they know that could maybe get you to talk to them or to show that you're still under their thumb in a way. Okay? So there's definitely more. I could do this all day, but I will wrap this up because I want it to not be too super long. Speaker 1: (15:00)They tell you they are crying and , this is a weird one, but I have had, this is multiple people narcissists that have used tried to use this tactic. Two out of three of them I'll say. So maybe it's not always. Um, some might feel like that's too vulnerable and they don't like to be vulnerable, but if they're really desperate, they will. Right? One of mine who's the most desperate two, gain control did this many times either telling me or one time they actually took a picture of themselves crying twice actually crying and sent it to me to show me, look, look I have fake crocodile tears , right? They weren't saying that. They were saying, look, I'm crying. They're desperately trying to show their victimhood that they have feelings. It didn't work. Again, I can see past all this at this point in the beginning, I, I can't remember exactly if they told me, you know, they were crying or I would hear them, they leave messages crying that that did happen. Speaker 1: (16:05)I remember the very beginning when I went, no contact well as far as cut it off, but I could still get the messages or voice messages. There were crying messages and that did get my heart. I remember a little bit in the beginning, but uh, I went to therapy and started doing all this research and educating myself on this topic. And now like I, I just see through it all right? But a lot of people, I'm sure many of you this can work on. So I'm here to let you know, narcissists really, they, they're not going to genuinely cry for much. They might in the privacy of their own home if they're in a really deep dark state. But showing sending pictures or voice messages of them crying is trying to gain control of you. That that's what it is. Whether they're real tears or not, I mean, honestly it doesn't even matter to me. Speaker 1: (16:59)'cause with narcissists they're just trying to gain control, but usually they're crocodile tears. Another thing is name calling. They will name call, they will try to hit your soft spots. They will use your vulnerabilities against you. So these are people you've probably been close to, you've probably had deeper conversations with. You've exposed yourself not like that. No. You've exposed yourself as far as opening up and telling them about things in the past that have hurt you or you know, things that you have low self-esteem on, they will use that against you. So they, I'm trying to think of an example for me. Hmm, I can't think off the top of my head. But nar I definitely had a narcissist that would name call. Not all of them do. Some are more outward with the more blatant abuse like that, like the more blatant name calling and stuff. Speaker 1: (17:50)Um, and I had one that definitely was more blatant with it. So there was more name calling and hitting those soft spots, knowing what makes you hurt the most and poking at that. So when the name calling is happening to you, if that is happening again, get away from that. The only reason really that you should have to deal with a narcissist is if you are co-parenting. I know a lot of people, if you're in families, you think you have to put up with it 'cause it's blood. I'm here to tell you, you don't. I know it's even harder, whether it's like siblings or cousins or aunts or uncles. I know the hardest is probably the parent or the child. I totally understand that. So I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life. Um, I'm just here to help guide you and give you tools to deal with it. Speaker 1: (18:36)So if you have to, if you feel like you have to keep someone in your life, I'm here to first tell you, in most cases you do not co-parenting is a very tricky situation though, and I know there are some other exceptions, but if you, you just don't feel capable. There's nothing I can do about that unless you work with me. We work together to get through that. But know that when these people are name calling you and hitting those soft spots, it's intentional and it's abusive and it's hurtful and it has nothing to do with you. It doesn't have to do with these things being true about you. It has to do with these people feel so about themselves that they feel the need to do this to gain power and to feel better about themselves and to feel powerful, but they're not powerful. Speaker 1: (19:28)They're little balls. Okay? Do, do, do, we're gonna end on that note. Narcissists are little balls. So I will end with that. So don't let people abuse you. Don't let people gaslight and manipulate you. You know, the first thing is knowing that this is what they do. And that helped me just even learning about this to know, oh, this is what's happening. And as I read more and more about it, I was like, oh my gosh, this is like exactly what's happening to me. It was so validating. I've had so many of you write me and say how validating my podcast is for you. Because when you go into this journey of either trying to disconnect or doing the great rock method or trying to heal after you've disconnected it, it can be a very, um, alarming, surprising, but also you can find relief in the fact that you're like, oh, it's almost like, oh, I figured it out. Speaker 1: (20:23)Like you have this pain for years and you find out, oh, you had a little fracture in your arm there, right? Like, you get to figure out what it actually is. Instead of this just feeling of, am I crazy? Am I imagining this pain? Did I cause this pain? I mean, this is like a really bad analogy, but I kind of suck at analogies. So, but you get my point where it's like, oh, there is relief in finally saying maybe this person is a narcissist. So we cannot diagnose them. I wish I could. Some are very textbook one in my life is like literally every thing that a narcissist. The trait is they are, um, some aren't as obvious. So if you want to either, you know, ask questions, you can always email me if you want to work with me and actually work on the healing process, you are disconnected from the person you are or you are co-parenting. Speaker 1: (21:19)That is a lot of my clients right now. There's a a lot of co-parenting going on. And then there's also, I have clients, like I said, who have not been through abuse or they've been through it, but it was a long time ago. But they're just really starting to gain confidence or wanting to change their life, saying, I know there's more out there for me. So that is what I love doing. I help women grow into the next chapter of their life. I love doing it. So totally check out my podcast notes to find out the ways to work with me or email me and say hello. I will talk to you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

Ep56 | The Fastest Way to Calm Your Nervous System

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about how to calm down that nervous system immediately. What is the single best way to do this? Stay close to find out. Not, not too close though. It's it's flu season, y'all. It's flu season. Speaker 2: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:14)All right, so welcome back. Let's dive into the single fastest way to calm that nervous system down. This is useful for anybody if you have not gone through abuse, that's fabulous. Very jealous. Love it. But also you can use this to help calm down in any stressful situation. Maybe you're just having a bad day at work. Maybe your hubby or your mama or your friend is driving you up a wall. Maybe the kiddos are getting a little needy and you just need a break. This is the single best way to calm that nervous system down. I'm gonna be very honest too. This was not my go-to way. I wanted to learn how to calm down. I am not a calm person in general. I'm very energetic. I love to dance and do hip hop. I like to sing some fast songs. I like to do everything fast, which is probably exactly why I need this calming tool. Speaker 1: (02:14)But you have to give things a chance. So before you click away, once you hear what this one thing is, I want you to have an open mind. Are you all ready? Are you opening your minds? Great, great, great, great. Okay. It is all about that breath, baby. I'm sure you have heard of breath work. If you were in the yoga world, the meditation world, if you're not welcome, there's a lot of talk about breathing and breath. And I'm not taking big enough deep breaths right now. And if I did, I'd be calmer. But I'm speedy Christy. So this is why I need to use this tool. I practice it often and it truly has changed my life along with other tools that I use. I love meditation. I love yoga. I'll be honest, I did not like any of those three things when I first started them, but I knew because so many people had said how amazing it was, how it changed their life. Speaker 1: (03:10)I was like, I'm gonna give it more of a chance. So breath work was the last of those three that I tried. And the irony is, it is the quickest one to work. It is that in the moment when you can't go meditate, when you can't go downward, dogger your butt all over work, you can breathe, you can take a few seconds or a few minutes to breathe. So we call this die of frag, pragmatic breathing. Okay? That's what we're gonna talk about. There's many different ways to breathe. Like he, he, he, no, I'm just kidding. There's, there's books, there's podcasts, all about breath. If you wanna dive deeper into this, but we're gonna be really simple here today on my show. Super simple. This technique, like I said, it is simple, it's quick. And it is highly effective in reducing stress and promoting relaxation, which we can all use more of, right? Speaker 1: (04:06)So number one, you need to find a quiet and comfortable place, okay? If you are at work or you're at work and like you just need a break at work, I'm trying to picture like a chaotic place. We are a lot. Hopefully you don't have like a super chaotic, stressful job, but I know some of you do, right? This is life, we're lifeing together. So I've gotta work with what some of you have. So let's say you do have somewhat of a stressful job. Maybe you're trying to get out of it, but in the meantime it doesn't help all the things you're gonna do later. You wanna know how can I at least get some immediate relief now so you can find a quiet place. You can always shove yourself into a little bathroom for a few minutes, right? We always are allowed to go pee pee and poopoo so they won't know what you're doing in there if you're just taking some nice breaths. Speaker 1: (04:52)So if you're at home though, and you can get away, you can lock yourself in the pantry away from the kids, go out to your car. Does anyone else do that? I love a good car session. Let me run to my car. I, or like when I'm coming back from somewhere and I'm like, I just want a little bit longer on my own, um, I will sit in the car for a few minutes and I love it. So anyway, yes, you can always email me and be like, yes sister, tell me your fun stories at fierce mama c@gmail.com. Anyway, I digress. So find a quiet, comfortable place if possible, right? If you are lucky enough to have a beautiful space in your home, it's all yours. You can lie down. I actually have that. I have a meditation lounge chair. It's magical. I think it was like 99 bucks on Amazon and it has like eight different inclines I think. Speaker 1: (05:46)And it's super cozy. And that's my favorite place to meditate or do my breath work. Number two, you gotta close your eyes. I was never good at close in my eyes. I like to see everything. I'm a paper. I'm nosy, I'm impatient. But you learn over time, you to close your eyes. You take a deep breath in through your nose, allowing your diaphragm to expand. And I'm actually working on this with my daughter 'cause she's starting to sing. She actually is the leader, the lead singer in a band. So we're working on diaphragm breathing because it's essential to singing. So I try to explain it like imagine there's like a tube going down your lungs and at the bottom it's got a big balloon. So you're in your case, if we're doing this type of breath work, you're going through your nose and you're feeling that expansion, that balloon stretching out as you inhale. Speaker 1: (06:43)And when you do this, you're gonna count to 4 1 2. Remember, it's like one Mississippi, not like 1, 2, 3, 4. Whoa, no, we're not gangster today. We're just Mississippi. And back in like we did in like sixth grade. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. So that's your inhale. Then you're gonna hold it for another count of four. You know the drill. Let me hear you say you Mississippi, can I get a Mississippi in the back? Okay, then you're going to exhale slowly through your mouth for guess what? Another count of four. We're gonna make this super simple for you. I told you we are not gonna change the numbers. There are different ways you can do like, I, I don't even remember now 'cause I like to keep the same numbers or I get confused. I don't wanna think too much when I'm breathing. It's like too much, too much multitasking. Speaker 1: (07:36)So keep the number, the same four, hold for four, exhale for four, right? And when you exhale that four, you're ensuring that you fully empty your lungs. So make sure you're saying the Mississippi, again, we're not doing 1, 2, 3, 4 and then mm-hmm, we wanna make sure all that nasty, that negative breath is outta your body and you can suck in some new life. You're gonna repeat this deep breathing for a few minutes, focusing on your breath and nothing else. If you only have 40 seconds and you're just, you're in your cubicle and you're about to scratch someone's eyes out or whatever, first of all, maybe, maybe got some therapy if it's serious. But if you just need a little breath, take this breath, do the 4, 4, 4. And even just focusing on the numbers 4, 4, 4 is helping your brain to focus on something else. It's somewhat of a distraction to get out, pull you like out of your emotion to get what I call out of your head and into your body, right? Speaker 1: (08:39)So this breath work, it immediately puts you in your body. That's what I love about it. So again, this was the last thing I tried and when once I did it a few times and was like, really does work? They were not lying. Like I just hadn't been listening for how many decades probably. Um, I finally was like, man, this is like my go-to especially if I've just got a short amount of time where I wanna just decompress my brain, decompress my body, and have that immediate relief. So this breathing helps activate your body's relaxation response and that reduces that fight or flight which is associated with stress and anxiety, right? So whether you're at work, you're at home, you ran into a nasty neighbor, whatever your situation is, maybe it's dealing with that co-parent. We can we not even call 'em co-parents if they're narcissists, you're not really co-parenting, but if you have to share parenting with, of your child with a narcissist, you know that fight or flight, you know that anxiety that creeps up. Speaker 1: (09:56)And I know this is so important for my clients. We definitely, I we do breath work, we do meditation, we do tapping. Now we do reiki. So if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I offer all of those things. You can always email me to ask more details. And I also will always have like my regular coaching packages listed in the show notes of this podcast. So if you go to the main page of my podcast on whatever platform you scroll, not too far down, it should be pretty high up there. It'll say like, work with me or something and there will be links to the different options. I have different packages and obviously certain ones, you'll save more money if you do one call, you know it's a certain amount. If you get a whole month, you're gonna save a little money by signing up for multiple, um, because I want you to get major, major shifts quickly. Speaker 1: (10:57)And one session can be great, but let's be honest, a whole month is so much better and I have plenty of clients to account for that. I haveli clients that have been with me for years, there's been six months , three months or three months. It's, it's a weird word. ERs month. Yeah, month. There we go. Too many s's. Um, but it's such a journey and it's individualized. But please, if you feel like you need support in either dealing with a narcissist, maybe you don't have a narcissist in your life, but you feel like you need healing or you need guidance in any way, I do not strictly just work with narcissistic abuse victims. It is my specialty, but I run the gamut in who I help and who I help heal. So please reach out if you're on the fence or have questions. I'm here again, it's fierce mama c my email will be in the show notes. Speaker 1: (11:56)Um, but this is, I just wanted to throw out a quick tool that you could have in your little back pocket. That's what they say at all the meetings in corporate America. Do they stay still? Say that. Excuse me. I used to work in the television production field and I remember just cracking up every time I'd be in one of those, you know, corporate meetings. We had like three meetings a day, meetings about meetings and the, you know, they have these catchphrases and I'm like, he'd be like, alright Bill, well I'll keep that in my back pocket. I'd be like, okay Adriana, I'm going to keep that in my back pocket for next time. It was just a little catch phrase that made me giggle. So keep this in your back pocket, everybody, wherever you are. So you can take this out, 4, 4, 4, breathe in for hold for, breathe out for and repeat if you can. If you have the time, create the time. I love creating time. That's a thing. So hope you all had a fabulous last week and I hope this is a helpful tool and I will catch you in the next video. All alright, smooches and dueces.

Ep 55 | Guided Meditation to Help Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)Hello and welcome to, but Still she thrives. Today we're gonna do something a little different and I'm gonna walk you through an actual guided meditation that I created for survivors of abuse. So, as you know, that's a big focus on my podcast. You know, I love meditation. If you've been following me, I'm a big advocate of meditating and yoga and all energy work. So I wanted to create something for you guys that you could go back to and just have on hand that's specifically for people who have gone through abuse. So stay close for today's magical episode that you can come back to time and time again when you're feeling stressed out and want to help heal energetically. Speaker 1: (00:46)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with, and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kinda lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:43)All right, Queens, welcome to this meditation, designed to help survivors of narcissistic abuse find inner peace and healing. So take a moment to find a comfortable and quiet space where you will not be disturbed. If you're driving, that's okay. You can just listen to this, but don't get distracted. Don't be a distracted driver, but you can subconsciously let some of this in and then go back to it later when you have time to actually really marinate in it. All right, so let's close our eyes and just shake out any of that energy, release it from your body. We're going to start with some just easy breathing, so just focus on your breath. Let's take a few inhales. Let's go in 1, 2, 3. Hold it at the top and exhale. Gonna do another two. And in 1, 2, 3, hold it at the top. And exhale. Speaker 1: (02:53)Last 1, 1, 2, 3. Hold it at the top and exhale. All right, so now we're going to begin by grounding yourself In the present moment, I want you to just feel the weight of your body on the chair or cushion, whatever you're relaxing on. And imagine roots growing from the base of your spine, extending deep into the earth, anchoring you in here. And now we want you to be really present. So I'll give you a few seconds to just imagine the branches coming from the base of your spine. That's the root chakra. And it could be wrapping around. If you have chair legs, you can imagine it going around them, down into the floorboards, into the earth's crust. And deeper and deeper into the earth, grounding you, keeping you nice and safe and stable in this comfortable position. Speaker 1: (04:16)All right. Now I want you to shift your focus to any physical sensations. So can feel the rise and fall of your chest, which with each breath, this picture it, imagine it, feel it rising and falling. You're just following your own body. Now, scan your body for any tension or discomfort at all. So you could start at your toes, your feet, your legs, your hips, your lower back, your upper back. Maybe your chest has some tightness. A lot of us hold anxiety there. Also, the throat chakra's, another one. It gets a lot of tightness, especially in US women. Speaker 1: (05:24)And that jaw, that neck and jaw line is, it's very common. So you may have some tension here. So I want you to first just notice it. Notice it maybe even in your head. Okay? And now I want you to focus on wherever the tension is. I want you to really focus in on it. And I want you to imagine that tension melting away. So as you breathe in, bring your focus to that area. And as you exhale, imagine releasing and melting that tension away from that area. I'll give you a little time to go through this. Wherever you have that tension in your body, just be with your body. Speaker 1: (06:23)Observe the tension, and use your mind's eye to release the tension. The power of the mind is incredible. Imagine melting away the tension, slowly melting it away with each exhale. Now pay attention to your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, counting to 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, and exhale slowly through your mouth, counting to 6, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, which eat with each breath. Release that stress and anxiety that is often caused by narcissistic abuse. We're gonna do this breathing pattern one more time. Inhale deeply through the nose, counting to 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale slowly through your mouth, counting to 6, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, releasing that stress and anxiety. Now that we're present and in our breath, I want you to repeat this affirmation silently or out loud, whichever you prefer. Repeat after me. I am strong. Speaker 1: (08:34)I am worthy of love and respect. I am healing. I choose to release the pain of the past. And as always, you know, I always have to end our affirmations 'cause I'm a queen. Alright, now, I'd love you to imagine a bright, warm light surrounding you. Imagine this beautiful, yellowish orange, gold, bright light. It's your protective shield. It's creating a safe space where no harm can touch you. Visualize this light, healing any emotional wounds and filling you with love and strength. Really let yourself surrender and feel that protection. Let it all in. You deserve to feel safe. Speaker 1: (09:56)You are safe in this moment. Now, this part of the meditation is gonna be maybe hard for some. It was hard for me in the beginning of this journey, but you'll learn with practice to be able to do it. It might not be today, but just practice until you can feel it so gently. Bring to mind the person who has caused you this pain without excusing their behavior. Because there is no excuse. Try to find a place within you to forgive them. This doesn't mean you forget. It doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship or have lovey dovey warm feelings toward them. This is about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs, right? Us carrying resentment and hatred only is harmful to us. So let's try to let go of that burden of anger, the resentment. Speaker 1: (11:05)Imagine holding it in your hands. Imagine holding that, that anger, the hatred, the resentment. Even if there's guilt wrapped up in there, maybe you need to forgive yourself as well. I want you to hold onto that ball of emotion in your hands. You can cut both hands together and hold it and imagine what that feels like. It's been hard. I know it's been really hard, and it's time to release this pain. So on the count of three, we're all going to set free these emotions to the best of our ability. 1, 2, 3. I want you to open your hands as if you're releasing a bird into the sky and let all those nasty feelings go. Imagine them flying out into the universe, getting sucked up far, far, far away from you. If you feel like there's some still lingering, I want you to rub your hands together. I'm doing it. You can hear it maybe through the microphone. Rub your hands together and then shake it away. Shake it away as if you're getting water off your hands after washing them. You don't have a towel, , shake it off. Release again that I know that could be hard for some people. I am here with you. We're in this together. Alright, now we're gonna do that more. Turning your attention to yourself. Speaker 1: (12:46)I want you to reflect on the strength and the resilience it took to survive the abuse. Recognize you are deserving of love and compassion and sweet words and feeling valuable. Place your hand on your heart. I'm doing it with you. And send yourself feelings of warmth, appreciation, and self love. Tell yourself I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm gonna say it again. I love you. I'm proud of you. And this wasn't in the plan, but I feel like we all need this right now. I want you to wrap your arms around yourself. Mm-Hmm. . That's right. It's self huggy. Time . Speaker 1: (13:52)And just hold yourself there. Say, I am safe. I am safe. I am loved. I am loved. I deserve peace. I deserve peace. Okay, now I want you to take a moment to release any negative emotions or memories tied to the abuse. Again, this might not be overnight, but this is a practice. Imagine them dissolving into the air, leaving you feeling at least a little bit lighter and freer. Maybe it's more, maybe you're able to really release a lot of it today. That would be amazing. Everybody's on their own timeline, their own journey. So don't judge on how much you're able to do today. Again, it's a practice. That's why we call it a practice release. Speaker 1: (15:04)Now, think about the people and things you are grateful for in your life. It's just, even if there's just one person right now you're really grateful for, or maybe it's a group of friends. Maybe it's a family member that stood up for you. Maybe it's a coworker that is there and supports you. Think about at least one person Now, focus on the positive aspects that bring you joy and happiness. It could be a beautiful day outside today. It could be the taste of pink sprinkled donuts. No bias here. Think about something that brings you joy someone and something that brings you joy. Speaker 1: (16:02)And let yourself feel that you deserve to feel that joy and you deserve to feel a lot of that joy. Now, gently bring your awareness back to the present moment. Wiggle your fingers and toes. And when you feel ready, you can open your eyes. Take a deep breath. Ah, maybe you want drop your shoulders and just kind of shake it out a little. And let yourself carry this moment, this sense of healing and empowerment with you throughout your day. Now remember this, meditation is a practice. It is a tool for your healing journey so you can return to it whenever you need to find peace and strength. You are not alone and you deserve love, respect, and happiness. And I want you to have all of those things. So if you need help on this journey, I am here. I do coaching, I do guided, customized meditations. Speaker 1: (17:15)Um, you can always look in my show notes to see ways to work with me. But if you have a specific thing you'd like to do, feel free to email me. My email is always also in the show notes. Um, but I want to help support as many women as I can on this journey. I know it's a hard one and anything I can do to help, I want to do. So please don't hesitate to reach out. And again, save this episode. And if you are loving my podcast in general, if you would do me a huge favor, it is such a help to me. If you leave a review on the Apple Podcast page, if you're listening on Apple, you just go to my main page of my podcast, scroll all the way down to where it says reviews, and you can hit the five stars if you think it's five stars. And leave a lovely little note about what you like about the podcast or how I've helped you in any way. I love, love getting feedback and it really helps my podcast grow. So thank you so much. I love you and I will see you in the next episode. Thanks for listening.

Ep 54 | The Best Ways to Meditate To Rebalance Your Nervous System

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is Christie, and today we're gonna talk about 12 different kind of out of the box ways to meditate. Speaker 2: (00:11)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. All right, so Speaker 1: (01:07)Meditation is a practice that can take many forms and there are some creative outside of the box. Like I said, approaches to meditation. I am a huge advocate of meditation. It has changed my life. And if you are a person who has gone through abuse or trauma, meditation is really an amazing way in addition to your healing journey. Um, so yes, definitely use some of these approaches. Try them out if you haven't already and email me. My email is always in the show notes. You can email me and let me know which one is your favorite. Number one, walking meditation. I love this 'cause it incorporates something I'm very big on, which is moving your body to move that energy. So instead of sitting, you can practice meditation while walking. So you focus on each step, your breath or sensations you know, that are in your body as you move. Speaker 1: (02:04)I also sometimes like to focus on different things like the trees or the blue skies. Um, there are times I like to do like listen to a podcast, but I kind of view them as separate ways. But I do incorporate both. But when you wanna really be present, just focusing on something you know, like your breath, like something visual is a really cool way to do walking meditation. This is really good for those of us who have a problem sitting still, which I did for a long time now. I've kind of conquered that and I can do sitting meditations. I can do them for a long time. But it took me a while to get there and this was kind of a good bridge for me to get present without having to sit there and like still kind of felt in my head. This kind of teaches you how to get out of it. Speaker 1: (02:51)So it's a good starting point. Number two, artistic meditation. So engaging in creative activities like painting, drawing, sculpting, those adult coloring books or little kids coloring books. I'm not gonna judge. So letting your artistic expression flow without judgment, right? Like don't go in trying to be a perfectionist about the art. Just letting your intuition guide you and seeing what comes up. Sometimes all color, do art and words come up too, like this just kind of flow outta me. Um, it can turn into like an art slash free writing session. So playing around with your artistic creative, um, vibes if you will. I know a lot of you are creatives out there and it's a really good way to be able to do it without making it like a typical project where you're trying to make it perfect or you have a main goal, you have an outcome you're trying to get to. Speaker 1: (03:47)It's just like free flow and I love it. I just sounded like a valley girl. I love it. Oh my god. All right, next laughter Yoga. I actually did not hear about this until I think it was 2018 when I moved back to Maryland where I am now. I went to a yoga studio. My friend brought me there and she was like, let's do laughter yoga. And I was like, what? It is a laughter yoga class. So they laugh heartily like without any reason. There's, it's, it's hard to explain. You just have to go ahead and do it, but it is such a release. I actually ended up crying tears and it, it didn't, it didn't feel like hysterical laughter tears, you know, you have that. It felt like a release of something sad, like I was releasing this kind of heavy feeling through doing that laughter exercise. Speaker 1: (04:48)It's again, it's hard to describe until you actually do it. So maybe check out a local studio or I'm sure there are laughter yoga sessions that you could look at on YouTube. I've never done one online, I've only done it in person. Um, but I imagine there might be a way to do it online, but I think if you can do it in person, like with other people, that in-person connection is definitely pretty cool. So while I did have that sad, heavy feeling, I felt it lift. So therefore I still was left with like an upbeat mood, you know, it was like a mood booster still. Speaking of mood boosters, do you all have my four minute morning mood boost meditation? It is epic. Go grab it. It's always in the show notes. I created it for one of my busy mom clients who wanted like a shorter, I think I had a 10 minute one at the time and she wanted even shorter one to start in the morning and the morning rush, but be able to do something. Speaker 1: (05:46)And I did. And it's been my most listened to. I actually sell it too on a site. It's been my most sold out meditation. But you get it free if you get it in the show notes. So go grab it. Number three, a sound bath meditation. Ah, these are so amazing. So you can do meditation through sound. You lie down, you can listen to singing bowls, gongs or other instruments that produce these really soothing vibrations. I have a couple of singing bowls that I do myself, right? But it's nice to have someone else do it for you in a yoga studio or if you have a friend and you're both into this woo woo stuff, um, one of you can do the sound bath for the other and then you could trade. Um, it's just awesome and some people really respond well to sounds. It's not my personal favorite. Speaker 1: (06:37)I think it's cool. I like it occasionally, but I'm really into visual meditation, so I prefer that. But it's, it's really fun if you're into more of the oral stuff. Oral a u r, not oral, right? Do I have that right? Audible . We're gonna move on number five, sensory meditation. So you can explore different sensory experiences such as tasting various foods. I remember my daughter, gosh, it was a few years ago, she was like in kindergarten and first grade even. We would do these, it was called cosmic kids yoga. And they had these little sessions that were just meditations that weren't the yoga but meditation parts and it was called zenden. That's it. I was trying to think of it. So zenden, this is great for kids by the way. If you have kids that are younger and you wanna introduce them into meditation and yoga, but in one of them, it was the first time I saw this, it was actually a meditation. Speaker 1: (07:40)And during it they were having you, like they had you go get a piece of food. I remember we had a cheese stick when we did it and they had you close your eyes and taste it. So it's like meditating through your senses. So you could do it through taste, touch, scent, sound, right? And experiencing the different, you could do whatever combination you want or just one of them. Um, experiencing that is going to make you more present. And the more you practice any of these methods, the more present you become, the calmer you become, the namaste you are. So, I don't know, it's a pretty cool one. I would definitely try, try the taste one out. It's pretty fun. And if you guys want any specific videos on these, just email me. I love when you email me and ask questions. So go ahead. Speaker 1: (08:30)It's in there, it's on the show notes. Fierce Mama C at Gmail. Um, and ask me for specific videos that I can recommend to you and I will. Alright, number six, the floating tank meditation. So try sensory deprivation tanks or float tanks where you float in a Voyant. Epsom salt. I always say Epsom, I wanna say Epson with an N 'cause I'm, I don't know if it's, it's my printer, my old printer speaking to me. Anyway, Epsom salt infused solution in complete darkness and silence. This for me. I don't know, I get kind of panicked. I can't really, I I'm not big on this one, but it does work for some people. Everybody's different. That's why we have to try all of these things out. Um, but the isolation can really lead you to profound meditative experiences. Um, I I being like in complete dark like that, I don't know. Speaker 1: (09:27)It's not that I'm afraid of the dark, no, I'm just kidding. I'm really not. But it's just not my preference. Number seven, guided visualization. This is one I freaking love. I just love guided, guided meditations with The visuals are very helpful for me. Again, everybody's different, so try 'em all out. So rather than the traditional like breath focused meditation, you engage in guided imagery or visualization sessions and there's usually a recorded guide or you can do 'em live. Like I've led live meditations in my yoga classes before. Um, I think I have a couple recorded ones out there floating around somewhere. But you can follow along with a recorded guide to create these really vivid mental landscapes. Often they can include, you know, nature landscapes like fields of lavender or beach landscapes or I used to do one I loved. Um, that was, you know, going into the forest and you know, it's like kind of this magical mystical land. Speaker 1: (10:35)Um, there's just so many out there there, there's a plethora of them that said, I said that really strange. But that's okay. We're all friends here. Um, a plethora of them on YouTube again. Um, I do have meditations that you can request from me. So let me know if you want a guided visualization one. I have one for abundance. Um, I have an anxiety one, so, so that is one of my favorites. Next one is lucid dream meditation. You can practice meditation techniques that lead to lucid dreaming where you become aware you are dreaming within a dream. This is a very unique way to explore your subconscious mind. I actually did this like by accident when I was a child, which was pretty cool. So I learned to kind of do it again, if you want more details on any of this, message me. 'cause we have 12 of these to get through. Speaker 1: (11:33)But you can always, you know, look at them yourself or message me with questions. Number nine, forest bathing. This has a name, another name which is Shinran Yoku. Um, and this you spend time in nature immersing yourself just in the sights, the sounds and smells of the forest. This is a Japanese tradition and it can be very, very rejuvenating. It's a deeper meditation. You spend some more time. This isn't like a four minute mood boost. This is very immersive. You are up in there, you are letting your soul fly all over that forest. Um, no, but you're really surrendering to it, you know, it's a, it's a whole experience. Um, so that's a really, really cool one. Number 10 is the chaka meditation. This is where you focus your gaze on a fixed object such as a candle flame or like the edge of a art piece, like on your wall. Speaker 1: (12:40)And just, you don't leave that spot, you just concentrate on that one spot and it can enhance concentration and just that inner stillness. And it's like a practice like any other meditation, right? So the first time you do it, it might be hard, you get, might distract, you might get distracted. But over time as you do this, it's just teaching yourself to be still be present. And it's a pretty easy way to meditate if you want to be still. And you, you don't wanna have all these, all this other noise I guess, right? Like, I like other things. I like the forest bathing, I like the visuals. But this is, if you're more of a simplistic person, this could be really up your alley. Number 11, mindful movement. So you can do activities. You may have heard of them, like tai chi, keong. I don't really know if I'm saying that one right? Speaker 1: (13:35)Or yoga, which if you don't know, I teach yoga. I love yoga. Yin yoga is my jam. Where you combine physical movement with meditation. That's why I love yin yoga. It is a very slow yoga. It's a deep yoga and there's a lot of meditative pieces to it. So I love it. And they encourage mindfulness through motion. Pretty self-explanatory. Number 12, do you ever get a smell, a waft of a perfume and you're like, oh, that smells like my grandma. Or that smells like me when I was 15 years old. No aromatherapy meditation. So using essential oils and scent to enhance your meditation experience is really cool. I love combining scents with my meditation. Um, I love Palo Santo. I love the scent of rose. Gives me all the feels. I just love it. So I have rose oils, I have like all rose actual perfume that I wear. Speaker 1: (14:40)Um, and inhaling certain scents can help you relax, right? Lavender, we know that eucalyptus is kind of like invigorating for me. I love that one. Peppermint. So it depends on what you're trying to accomplish by your meditation. Like if you're doing a morning mood boost, even if it's a longer one and you know, smelling like a citric, a citrus, I guess a citrus scent. Eucalyptus, peppermint, something that kind of awakens you, that's great for that. If you're trying to relax, you're trying to go to bed, you can do the whole lavender, chamomile, any more calming sense. But essential oils you can even get, you know, the little sticks with the oil in the canister. Um, 'cause we don't wanna burn any houses down. Okay? I seriously left a candle on once and I was traumatized and I did not burn a candle since . No, no to fire. Speaker 1: (15:37)Um, so I like those little sticks. Incense is pretty cool too. Um, I used to love, what is it called? Patchouli, patchouli. Any of y'all use patchouli anyway, so we could go down aromatherapy meditation, the that hole for, for a long time. But we have to end this 'cause you guys need to get to meditating. Okay? But remember this is a personal practice. This is individual. What works for you may not work for another. I remember when I started meditating thinking like, oh, there's a right way to meditate. I, I was even a perfectionist about meditating. It's stupid, right? . So experiment with these fun different types of ways, right? And adapt them to suit your preferences. The key is to find a style that resonates with you and helps you cultivate that mindfulness, that inner peace and what works for your schedule. What works for what you're trying to achieve. Speaker 1: (16:35)Like I said, are you trying to wake up in the morning, you're trying to go to bed? Just, you know, customize it your way 'cause it's your life and you are a queen. All right, I am thinking about doing a separate, um, whatcha imma call it? Why can't I speak affirmation? Affirmation, maybe not every week, but some weeks on Thursdays. Just stick an affirmation. So let me know what you think about that, either on social media. You can message me or email me. Tell me if you'd like separate ones. And if you have any recommendations on what kind of affirmations, shoot it on over and you know the drill. If you wanna work with me one-on-one, you wanna get some coaching done, we can do coaching, we can do energy work, all the things. Um, I will put the ways to work with me one-on-one in the show notes. So all you have to do is click over there, click itty, click take your pick. Mm That I should make an end song that says that. Click itty, click Take your pick. Work with me. I would love to work with you. That'd be great. Alright, see you on the horizon. Smooches and doses. She says . Alright, I think I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed, y'all. You go meditate. Namaste.

Ep 53 When Does a Narcissist Give Up? The Real Answer

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we are going to talk about when will the narcissist give up? Dun dun dun. Stay tuned. Speaker 2: (00:14)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:11)Alright, so I wanna preface this with the fact that depending on the narcissist, some of them will quote, never quite give up, but they may take some small breaks, some large breaks, and if you really are good at staying no contact, they may finally give up. So that brings us to number one, the case where a narcissist may give up and go away, at least for a while, is when they feel they have lost power, right? They're all about power. That is all they care about. They control the power. If they don't have it, they try to get it back. That's where they tug on your heartstrings and do their manipulation, whatever they can do to get you back under their power. So usually this occurs after you implement that no contact rule. That is always my first advice with a narcissist, unless there is some legal reason that you need to be in contact with them. Speaker 1: (02:12)My personal opinion of narcissists is there is no good reason to stay in touch with them if you have the option not to. So that's why the no contact rule is the best rule and it has the most success rate for keeping the narcissists away. So it effectively serves as a defense against most of their manipulations, right? They can't do the gaslighting, they can't twist your words when you're not having contact. They can't do anything in response to what you are doing. There's literally no contact. There's no way for them to have the power over you. Does that mean they w won't go ahead and talk crap about you to other people? You know? Yes, they may do that, especially in the, the beginning when you first start having no contact. That could be a way they may try to go through other people to get to you, to get you to contact them. Speaker 1: (03:07)But once you are strong in that no contact, if you can hold that method, , I'll call it, if you can keep it up, then that is when the beauty happens and they start to lose the interest, right? They lose that interest because it's no longer as easy as it was for them before and they have to start making more effort, bigger effort. And honestly, a lot of narcissists are, can be like lazy. They can be lazy about their control. So they want it, they target people who maybe have big hearts are empathetic. So it's easier to manipulate and tug on the heartstrings of those people to get the control. But when you make it too hard and you have no contact or you do the gray rock method, which I will link my episode to the Gray Rock method in the show notes. But when you do that, they don't have the ability to feel that control that they thrive off of. Speaker 1: (04:08)So they are more likely to, you know, cut the cord or just kind of forget about you and hopefully move on to the next victim, not hopefully for that victim, sorry, next victim. But for me, I can't control that. So I was just glad to be rid of my narcissist and they can, you know, go on with their lives, seek somebody else, mess with someone else's head. But I was just glad it was not mine. Another case where they may give up and go away is when the victim discovers what they're doing. And once you understand a narcissist and you start to see it, it be, it can become almost like a science, you know, it can become a lot more predictable than you ever thought. So when the narcissist is exposed, they'll of course deny it. But when their manipulations, when their tactics don't work anymore, they may, if they are, if they are fearful that you will expose them to other people to, you know, other relationships they have families, friends, work situations. Speaker 1: (05:23)If they see that you are calling them out, I'm not suggesting calling them out, that's another episode. But um, if their stuff isn't working and they obviously there's been a shift basically in your relationship, then they can no longer use again that manipulation since the mask has been unveiled and they struggle to get that control back. Right? So I will touch lightly on it though because I think it is important I do my go-to is not to be like you are a narcissist, da da da, right? My go-to is keep very short and direct, non-emotional, um, in your conflict. Hopefully the last conflict you have with a narcissist before you do the no contact method. Then we have the gray rock method that goes a little deeper. I'm not gonna discuss all that here. Like I said, there's a whole episode on it so you don't need to hear me squabble about it twice, but I will link that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (06:31)But the gray rock method is a way, if you have to, let's say parent a child with your ex who's a narcissist, that is a really good way to be able to navigate. And I don't suggest saying you're a narcissist and this and that. If you have to be in their life, you don't want to them off because yes, it may work in a way for them to back off or try to stay as far as they can from you so you don't expose them. But if you have to legally talk and all of that, it could backfire. Okay? So when they have no more supply, if you haven't heard the term narcissistic supply, it's a thing, their supply, I think of it as just this spider that is gathering all of its food in this big nasty narcissistic web, right? So that could be from you and then if you start to have no contact or even gray method, they may start to gather information or keep tabs on you or smear your name to other people, right? Speaker 1: (07:38)So the thing is, if that doesn't work, which hopefully if you have good friends that you know, don't take the bait of the narcissist, hopefully that would cause them to give up, right? So depending on who those relationships are or how many, everybody's situation is different, but if you have good friends and you can even warn them and say, Hey, my ex may reach out to you or whatever, don't take the bait, don't take the call. Um, the more you can block them from having contact with anybody that is in connection to you, the better. So block them on social media, block them on email, have your friends and family block them everywhere you can because that also will make it a little more likely that they will give up again if something is way too much effort, depending on the narcissist, 'cause it re truly, there's such a range of them, they can go to further lengths, but in general a lot of them can be lazy with their efforts, right? Speaker 1: (08:44)Because usually they can manipulate and flip around and gaslight like it's nothing. It's literally just who they are, how they are. They don't have to sit and really think about, oh, how could I get her to do this? It just is, it's a sickness. I wanna, to me it is a sickness in their head that automatically is always ready to just control and gain power at anyone else's expense, right? So they're constantly just like firing away on how to manipulate, how to get their way. So it's so natural that it's not that much effort. So when they actually have to make a big effort, it'll either them off or eventually they'll get tired of it. That being said, I want to say this and on a lot of episodes I mention this, if there is someone who is violent or you feel like they may be violent, I'm not saying, oh they'll go away, you'll be fine. Speaker 1: (09:51)When there is someone violent involved, which I know many narcissists can be emotionally or physically abusive, if they are, I suggest you call the hotline number for domestic abuse. That is always in my podcast show notes to get advice. If you are fearful or fear, feel like you are in danger in any way. I do have many clients that it is not a dangerous physical situation and they don't feel totally endangered, they just more wanna know how to navigate the manipulation. So that's where most of this is going. If it goes beyond the scope of that, of course you want to be careful. There is no guarantee a narcissist is going to stay away forever or go away and that, you know, things will be all good engraving and they're just gonna forget about you. This episode is about how to keep them at as much of a distance as you possibly can, but everyone is different. Speaker 1: (10:52)There is no guarantees. These are tactics that we can use and try out with whatever narcissist is in your life and you know, use it as kind of a test. And a lot of times the no contact method does work, at least for a while, sometimes forever. A lot of people have a lot of luck with it. And again, the gray rock method you can refer to in my podcast notes, that episode, um, that's a great way if you have to legally be bound to this person, usually that is due to, you know, child custody situations. Um, it's a really good way to navigate the conversations and just having a relationship of some sort unfortunately, that you have to keep with the narcissist. If you need help going through this journey and you are on the other side of being with a narcissist. I work with people who are starting to heal from their journey. Speaker 1: (11:55)They have disconnected from the narcissist or maybe it's somebody who is a relative. You know that you don't see that often, but when you do, you wanna know how to handle the relationship or maybe it is a parent and you are having a tough time navigating how to deal with that because they're your parent, but you also can't stand how they treat you. There's so many situations I deal with as a coach. Um, so if you want to see if you are a match for my coaching, you can look at the three current ways to work with me through my one-on-one coaching, and I also have a boundaries course. I will link as well all in the show notes and I look forward to talking with you. But before we say goodbye, let's do some queen affirmations. Alright? If you're driving, do not put your hand on your heart, but if you are not driving and you're in a place, you can go ahead, put your hand on your heart, put both your hands on your heart. I don't care. Put your feet on your heart. Let's really get into this. All right? We're gonna do a little affirmation. Take a big breath. Ah, just let the stress melt off of you. Breathe in your nose and out your mouth. Speaker 1: (13:08)I am worthy of peace. Repeat after me. I am worthy of peace. Nobody can take my power away. I deserve to be loved because I'm a queen . All right, you guys, I will see you in the next episode. Have a great week, and don't forget to check my show notes and I'll chat with you later.

Ep 52 | How to Outsmart a Narcissist

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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. Welcome to another episode of, but Still She Thrives. Today we are diving into a topic that many of us have encountered at some point in our lives dealing with narcissists. They're all around us. So whether it's a coworker, family member, friend, or even a romantic partner or ex romantic partner, narcissists can be challenging to navigate. But fear not. Christie Jaya is here, . Today we're gonna discuss some strategies on how to outsmart those nasty little narcissists. Speaker 2: (00:34)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:31)So first, really briefly, if you are new here, we are gonna touch on what narcissism actually is. It's a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, right? But spoiler alert, narcissists deep, deep down are very wounded, very insecure and powerless. And this is why they have to have this big mask. It's all a big nasty mask. Mask, but it's still there. So we still have to deal with it. It doesn't change the fact that they treat people poorly and have no empathy. They also have such fragile egos and can be so manipulative that it makes interactions with them. Super challenging. And if you have a narcissist in your life, you know what I'm talking about, probably why you clicked on this. So the first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to recognize their behavior patterns. This could include grandiosity, la, lack of empathy, manipulation, and this constant need for attention and admiration, which ain't cute. Speaker 1: (02:36)So, you know, my first advice with a narcissist is Ron. But if you can't continue on and listen, once you've identified a narcissist in your life, whatever relationship that is, the next step is setting healthy boundaries, right? They often push boundaries. They don't give a about your boundaries. They can be quite demanding. So to outsmart them, you need to establish very clear limits on what you're willing to tolerate and communicate them assertively. So you've gotta, this is part of the work I do with my clients, is building that confidence. Because without the confidence, sometimes it isn't believable that you have a boundary or you won't hold the boundary due to fear or guilt or whatever, right? So they may resist these boundaries completely. So standing firm is essential to your wellbeing. They, again, they're gonna try to guilt trip you or play the victim, but stay resolute in your boundaries. Speaker 1: (03:35)Queen, I know you can speaking, which if you don't know I have a boundaries course, all my information is always in my podcast show notes. Go click around in there, see what I have to offer. I have all my coaching offers and my boundaries course, which is epic. You'll love it. Grab it. There's a special bonus going on when you purchase it right now. So now is the time. So we know narcissists thrive on attention and admiration. So to outsmart them, avoid feeding their ego. Do not engage in the excessive flattery. A lot of us at one point or another may think, oh, I'll just try to make them feel better and they'll be nicer to me. Right? No, do not do that. Don't give the constant validation. Instead, focus on rational communication. Like very short and sweet communication. And they say to give constructive feedback when necessary. Speaker 1: (04:32)I, I have a hard time with this. Um, I feel like any feedback, constructive or not, this is not a rational human. So the odds are against you that they're actually going to take it into consideration unless they're like absolutely desperate. But, so that is kind of up to you. I'm always very against giving any constructive feedback to the narcissist that I have had in my life. So that's kind of a personal preference. You can try it out, but I would not have high expectations. But by not giving into their constant need for attention, you can take away some of their power and control. Another crucial strategy is maintaining emotional detachment. Oh, this is such a huge one. Narcissists can be emotionally manipulative, right? We know that. So it's essential to protect, protect, that's a new word, PR protect. That's very passionate way of saying protect , protect your own emotions. Speaker 1: (05:30)Do not take their insults or criticisms of you personally. This is so hard for a lot of us, especially a lot of us are empaths that get sucked into their web, right? A lot of us have big hearts and big feelings and we're sensitive, right? It's, it's tough. But this is why I do what I do with people because this is part of the journey I love helping with, is to get you to that point. Not only do you gain your confidence, but you also learn to unt attach detach, I don't know, are they both words? Um, emotionally so that you can actually navigate successfully. Like whether that's a relationship or you know, you're co-parenting or whatever. So do not take their. Just don't take it. Don't absorb it. Don't take the bait. By staying emotionally grounded and not reacting to their, you can regain control of the situation, which is what we're trying to achieve by outsmarting them, right? Speaker 1: (06:30)I wanna drum roll for this one. Oo, that did not sound like a drum roll. All right? When dealing with a narcissist, it is essential to document every, everything. I cannot reiterate this enough. Keep records of your interactions, messages, any incidents that might be relative. Um, I would like to also say if you can avoid phone calls with them and do text or email, that is so much better because you have all the proof in the pudding and you know, have it documented. You don't know, especially with narcissists, when stuff can turn and get bad, go legal, maybe you want it to go legal, then it's extra important. You have all of these, like this tracking right of the words they say. A lot of times they can't help themselves. So they can be really stupid when it comes to saying that will bite them in the later. Speaker 1: (07:27)It's like, I don't know. The only icing on the cake with a narcissist is they get real stupid 'cause they're so reactionary. So whether it's a workplace situation that turns into a harassment suit or legal disputes divorce, I've seen a lot of divorce situations where thank goodness that these women or men had everything documented and it really was helpful in their favor with custody and all that. Side note, I think I've mentioned this before, but you can, I, I don't do all this legal stuff, don't quote me on this, but I believe you can get some sort of addendum on a divorce decree. Not sure if that's the exact wording, but I think so where you can make it so that a third party sees your communication between each other. This really has helped some of my clients when they're dealing with co-parenting. This has been awesome. Speaker 1: (08:23)They have this app. There's specific apps for co-parenting for this reason or not co-parenting. I say that I always say co-parenting, but having to parent with someone else, co-parenting is really not a good way to describe parenting with a narcissist if you are not together because they don't really co anything after that. Um, do they even co anything at all? So, but if you are parenting with an ex and they are a narcissist, this is really helpful. There are apps, I don't know the names, but talk to your attorney, um, or anyone in the legal field and ask what your options are for having any communication like legally has to be through a third party app sort of thing where I believe the attorney can have the visibility on there as well. And another thing you can also have set, set up is so that they can only contact you about things pertaining to the children. Speaker 1: (09:24)So you're not gonna get all this crappy hate mail for the rest of your life. So yes, I will say narcissists can be some pretty intelligent people. I know a couple of them that are highly intelligent, but one of their weaknesses is they can be very reactive and that can be in our favor as far as them being kind of sloppy with their evidence, right? Stuff that they say. And if you have it documented, it can be pure gold and very helpful if it goes to a legal situation or other ways too. So make sure to document everything. And also maybe this isn't outsmarting a narcissist, but making sure people know like you, I'm not saying go blab your business to everybody, but make sure somebody close to you knows your situation and can help you out. You can lean on them, you can support them. Speaker 1: (10:25)I actually, this is only with someone you really, really trust. I've actually sent stuff that I had documented, I have emailed it to my best friend who I trust greatly so that that evidence is backed up somewhere else as well. Because you never know, narcissists can get cuckoo, especially like if you're still living with one or you think they could have your password, anything like that where they could go and delete everything. So I say if you have a trusted person to lean on, just in general getting support from them, but also thinking about using them as an extra backup. If you truly, truly trust 'em, like a best friend, family member, nobody who you think could get convinced by a narcissist that you're a show person. Because guess what narcissists will do. The smear campaign will, they will start telling all these people all this about you make you look bad. Speaker 1: (11:26)So it has to be someone you know is a thousand percent on your side. So these are some of the ways there's others. And if you wanna go deeper into it, go check out the ways to work with me and sign up for a call or a month or three months or the rest of your life so we can deal with this together. I am here for you. I have a lot of golden nuggets and dealt with all of this myself and I'm in a really great place now. So I love helping you and that's why I do what I do. If you are not subscribed to my podcast, go ahead and hit subscribe or follow or whatever it says on your podcast platform. Don't forget, I release new episodes every single Tuesday and sometimes I have little bonus episodes, so come follow me so you don't miss any episodes. I'm also on social media, Instagram, I'm fierce. Christy Jade on YouTube. I think I'm fierce. Christy Jade, I'm just fierce. Christy Jade all around. Um, also if you wanna email me, just say hi, have any questions. My email address is always in the show notes so you can find me there. Alright, let's settle down the end of the episode. Let's get namaste. Take a deep breath, hands to heart in less you're driving 'cause that's really awkward. And let's just breathe in. Do a couple affirmations. Okay, inhale, exhale and repeat after me. Speaker 1: (12:51)I have power over my own life. Nobody controls me but me. I'm learning every day and am right where I'm supposed to be because I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you, smooches and deuces and all that good stuff and I will see you in the next episode.

Ep 51 | How to Set Healthy Boundaries Like a Queen!

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Speaker 1: (00:03)Um, hello ladies. Hello my queens. I have something epic lined up for you. I'm so excited. First, I guess I'll say, you know, welcome to, but still she thrives. There's the official, hello. But I am so excited. I am relaunching my boundaries course with a special bonus for a limited time for a limited amount of people. I don't know when that time is gonna be up. I'm gonna see how many I sell and go from there because I need to have enough space to give this bonus offer this time, which is going to be an hour free one-on-one coaching with me. So you will get that on top of your Epic Boundaries course, which is prerecorded go at your own pace. So it's not like you're rushing around. If you've got a very busy life, it's easy to include in your weekly routine, or if you wanna do bi-weekly, it is dripped out weekly. Speaker 1: (00:57)So one video will come out to your email, directly to your email every week on boundaries. So if you feel like you are somebody who feels stressed out, overwhelmed, not at peace, feeling like relationships are stressing you out, feeling like maybe work is stressing you out, maybe the home life with the kids is stressing you out, odds are you have a issue with setting boundaries or keeping them or even knowing what or how to set boundaries. So my course is all about that, but we're going to touch on a few of those things today. And then, um, the offer will be in the show notes, the podcast description area. Um, so you can go ahead and sign up and if you sign up for a limited time, you will get that one hour one-on-one coaching with me, which it's just gonna be amazing, like the course with me helping you, guiding you on your journey to peace and joy and just ease. Speaker 1: (02:02)Don't we want an easier life? I know I did. And I'm here. So here's my hand. I'm gonna pull you on through and let's dive into the actual episode, shall we? So what are boundaries, right? We hear that word all the time to me, and we're gonna, we're gonna speak queen language today 'cause y'all are some queens. So I want you to picture boundaries like the walls that protect your castle, right? So just as a castle's, walls keep the unwanted out and the good within, that's important too for you to focus on, right? To me, it's protecting your peace. So all the good things you want to stay there and you want to block the negativity from coming and seeping into any even little cracks in your walls, right? So just as you get, you keep that unwanted out and the cherished in the personal boundaries define what you are comfortable with and what crosses the line. Speaker 1: (03:01)So imagine your emotional boundaries as this big protective shield around your emotional wellbeing. So when boundaries has such a negative connotation, and I hate that, I wish there was a more positive association with it, um, for me it is. But for a lot of people it feels like, oh, I'm telling someone what to do. No, you are telling yourself what you will and will not tolerate. And yes, you may communicate that to somebody, but in, in healthy loving boundaries, you're not really telling someone to do. I'll give you a quick example. Um, I had a person in my life that raised their voice a lot at me. And I was a grown adult. I was a grown adult, and I didn't want that to happen anymore. I was used to it. It was my way of life, my whole life. But I woke up one day, I was like, this really has caused me a negative feeling, like a lot, right? Speaker 1: (03:53)So I don't like that. I don't like that feeling. So what do you do about it? I, instead of saying, don't yell at me anymore, you can say, I'm not comfortable with being yelled at. That's not something that I accept in my life anymore. And here is what's going to happen in the future. If you do raise your voice at me, there's nothing I can do about that on your end. But for me, I am going to walk away. I'm gonna hang up the phone, like whatever it is your boundary is gonna be, and we'll get to all of that, especially in the boundaries course where you really customize and learn how to figure out what boundaries you need. And there's also talk in my course about how to set those boundaries with love, right? And where it's not aggressive. So anyway, let's move on. Speaker 1: (04:46)So if you find it hard to say no to, let's say extra work at the office, even when it's affecting your personal time, that might be a sign your time related boundaries need attention. If you feel just spread thin, if you feel like, gosh, I have no time to do anything, and I hear this a lot when my clients come to me, I would say 95% of them say, I just, I don't have time to do that. And by the time they're done with me, they have more free time than they could have dreamt of. Because if you do not have free time in your life, it is because you are not, it may be aware of what's going on. You're not living in alignment with what you truly desire. And so therefore you're not really able to recognize or even know how to set those boundaries. Speaker 1: (05:34)Or maybe you know some of them, but you feel uneasy or guilty about setting them. And we're gonna shift all that mindset in the course. So then you can go on and set them and feel good about it. And you realize it actually improves your relationships. And the relationships. If it does damage certain relationships, those may not be relationships that you want in your life because they're not healthy relationships. So we get into all that too. All the fun, right? So setting healthy boundaries, you have to be very clear and specific. Okay? If a colleague asks you to stay late at work all the time, you could say, I'm happy to help, but I need at least 24 hours notice for overtime requests, right? And again, we'll get into all of these things more deeply. And this is where the one-on-one with me can help. Speaker 1: (06:25)If you have specific situations, you really can't figure out, I am a pro at them. So I love helping with that. Then there's overcoming the boundary challenges, right? Like it's natural to fear that setting boundaries might harm the relationships, but consider this healthy boundaries can actually strengthen them. So let's say you have a friend who always calls late at night, they're disturbing your sleep, but you feel like, oh, I feel bad if I don't answer. Like, you have this urgency to answer. I used to have that in general any time of day or night. I just felt like I had to be accessible all the time to my friends. It was a thing, not anymore, but by sending a boundary kindly, you know, saying something like, I value our friendship, but I do need to maintain a, a healthy sleep schedule. So I could totally chat during the day. Speaker 1: (07:24)Let's say you could even give a specific day. I used to have a specific day. Now it's like when I'm working, I really try hard not to do that unless it's like someone has an emergency or something, right? But I really used to have a day of the week I would pick and I'd be like, you know, Thursdays, if you just wanna chat, just to chat, like, I can totally do that from let's say two to 3:00 PM or whatever. Maybe it's at nighttime while you're waiting for dinner to cook on the stove. And these may seem like, you know, some more silly boundaries, some lighter boundaries. We definitely get into some deeper ones, right? I know a lot of you have gone through abuse. A lot of you come to me, you have just gotten out of really hard relationships and you may need to set boundaries with that person. Speaker 1: (08:11)Um, if you're co-parenting, there's some big boundary setting we have to do there, right? So all of that is something we can work on. So let's, let's talk about somebody who actually went through my program, right? She struggled so much with setting boundaries at her workplace. She used to say yes to everything, everything, if it meant working late, sacrificing her personal time. And this came from her because growing up she really didn't do a lot for herself because she grew up with a parent who was very controlling, um, very, you do everything I say when I do it. And she had no voice in her own life. So she didn't even really know her own voice. When she came to me, we discovered who she was, what she desired, and how to live in alignment with that. And part of that is getting comfortable with and setting new boundaries, right? Speaker 1: (09:17)So after learning about boundaries, she decided to communicate her limits. And not only did she improve her work life balance, but she got more respect from her colleagues. And I have my own little sidebar. Um, when I was in my early twenties, I worked at a television production company. And in the first, gosh, first two weeks, I don't remember exactly, but within the first two weeks, um, this is kind of an embarrassing but funny story. So I actually will go into detail 'cause it's a little entertainment here too. Um, you know, I've always been good at boundaries in certain ways with certain people. I wasn't right? But I always felt like in the workplace, my dad had really, he used to say, here we go, we all in the same pot. That's what he told me. So I was like, yes, I'll respect my elders and all of that, but we're, we're all human, right? Speaker 1: (10:17)Like, I should never be talked down to or yelled at or anything, right? That was something that I just grew up with feeling in a work environment. So I had this new boss and I had asked him to, um, I I was moving out into an apartment and they needed proof that I, you know, had this job, whatever. So they asked him, I mean, I asked him if he could please get back to them. 'cause they had called and he hadn't returned their call, and he kind of blew me off. So I asked, there was like another boss, like a step above him. I asked him, sent him an email with a guy's name. Neither one of them were getting back to him. The guy called, and this was like over the span of a week or so. And so the guy at the apartment building, he contacted me. Speaker 1: (11:11)He said, look, if I don't have this by tomorrow, you're not getting the apartment. So I was like, well, I really wanted this apartment. So I looked in the directory of our huge company, okay? And I typed in human resources. I was like, well, I guess I just go to hr. Maybe that's why they're not responding. Maybe this is an HR thing. So I'll just go to hr. Keep in mind you, I'm fresh out of college. I don't really know how it all works. I just was like, okay, hr. And I saw that there was the president of hr, and I was like, perfect. So I emailed the president of HR and I CC'd the bosses. And my boss, who she didn't, she was like, she wasn't my boss. She was kind of a manager, but not my boss. So I, I couldn't ask her for this, right? Speaker 1: (12:10)Like, she wasn't directly above me. Exactly. Um, but she was in our department and I loved her, whatever. But I put her on the email. I don't even remember why I put her on the email, to be honest. It's so long ago. So, and I ccd the other two bosses who did not get back to the guy. And I wrote to the president of HR and I hit send. And I'm sitting there and I immediately, we were in cubicles and I immediately hear one, one of the bosses, the, like, my direct boss screaming at the top of his lungs. He screamed my name real loud. And, and there were tons of people around us, right? We're in cubicles. There's probably 25, 30 people. And my other, the woman, you know, manager looked at me and she looked at the, she was looking at her screen, she's like, oh, shaking her head. Speaker 1: (13:09)And I was like, oh gosh, did I do something wrong? , I guess so. And so the boss comes running over to my desk, I mean, veins popping red face, not good. And I don't even remember what he yelled, but he was yelling, yelling, yelling at me. And I was humiliated. I mean, I was brand new. All these people were staring at me. He yelled at me and I, I just went, I stormed away, went to the bathroom, I was crying in the bathroom, which was not like me, but I mean, I, that was not comfortable obviously. And I got myself together. And I remember sitting there and I was like, we all in the same pot. Nobody talks to me like that. And I went to him and I said, I, I'd like to speak with you in private, please. And he goes, I don't have time. Speaker 1: (14:06)And so I walked away. So I emailed him and I said, I'd really like to meet with you in private before you leave today. And I knew every, all of our schedule, I think were five or six. And at five o'clock I, like right before five, I see him getting his stuff ready. Like he just ignored my email. So I got up and I walked over to him and I said, I'd really like to meet before you leave. And he was like, God, fine. You know, like he was really annoyed. And so I said, do you wanna go into a quality control suite? We did television, production, quality control, and they had suites that shut. So we went in there and I said to him, I said, what you did to me earlier was not okay. I felt very disrespected and humiliated. I didn't do anything on purpose, obviously. Speaker 1: (14:59)And he was like, you wrote to the president of HR of all of this company. I mean, he is huge company. And I said, well, I don't know. I, the guy said I needed it done, you know, or I wouldn't get the apartment. And so we kind of went back and forth. I, he was still upset, but he calmed down as we talked. And I was like, that just under no circumstance, is that okay to speak to me like that, to speak to anyone like that. It's just not, I was, you know, I wasn't yelling, I was calm, I was just direct. And did I think I could get fired? Sure. Um, but I also have faith. There's this whole faith thing that goes along with me and my mind. And I do believe God will take care of us if we take care of ourselves. Speaker 1: (15:49)And, um, and I'm not saying you have to go about things this way, right? It might be extreme to do that, but maybe having an exit plan and looking for another job. If let's say, you know, you're scared to do something like that 'cause you have kids to support, I totally get that. But it's setting a standard. And I will tell you this, that man never spoke badly to me again. He actually was very kind. He liked me. He would tell people about me. He had used my nickname. He came to love me. And he told me one day, he said, the day that you talked to me in that room made me gain major respect for you. And that kind of hit, you know, because I was, I was scared. I was like, I, this might be it for me here. That sucks. I only made it two weeks. Speaker 1: (16:43)Um, and I wasn't someone to do that. But I, I felt so much in my body that this is not okay and not right that I just had to say something. So all that big story to say between me and my clients, I can tell you people respect you when you respect yourself and when you de demand, not demand, I hate that word, demand respect. But when you don't settle for less than being respected and being treated well, right? People treat you how you let them treat you. And that is true my whole life. Look, the abuse when I was a child, that is something that, you know, yeah, sure, I wish I would've gone to police or whatever, gotten help. But we don't always know, especially as children didn't know what options were out there. But I will tell you, as I got older and out of the house and going through this work, nobody treats me poorly anymore. Speaker 1: (17:38)That just doesn't happen. If it does, it's one time and they're out. Like, you don't get, you don't get chances to poorly behave around me. And I want you all to have this standard for yourself. I'm calling it the bold standard. 'cause you're queens, right? We're all queens. Everyone. Men too. This isn't just like a women empowerment. I mean, I'm all about women obviously, but men need to be treated well too. There are women who treat men horribly. Everybody deserves to be treated well and have high standards for themselves in their lives. You know, don't let anyone treat you like how you would not want your own child treated, right? A lot of us will be like, oh, they can't do that. And so protective of our kids, be protective of yourself as well. Like this life is to be lived in peace, in joy, in freedom and happiness. Speaker 1: (18:38)We're not here to suffer or take, okay? So I would love you to purchase my boundaries. Course it will be life changing. I, I can say everyone who has gone through my course has told me it has changed their lives. And then with that one-on-one coaching session with me that comes with it, this is like, now is the time to get this. So I will put the link in. I want you to really take your boundaries seriously and know you can do it in a way that isn't, you don't have to be a, right? Like there's a whole like association with boundaries or power. And that's. And we don't have time for it. You are loving yourself and all you want is to be treated well. And that's okay. That's more than okay. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Again, we're not here to suffer. Speaker 1: (19:34)That's not why we're here guys. We're here for many, many different reasons. That's a whole other show. But, and to help others. And you can still help others and be selfless in many ways, yet still care for yourself and demand that you be treated well. And again, I hate that word. It's got a negative connotation, but don't settle for less. I'll fluff it up a little bit. Semantics. Semantics. Anyway, this is a little bit of a longer episode, but it's super important. And this is the foundation of having a great life. It's simple. Like a great life is truly created by figuring out what your desires are. Maybe you have to rediscover yourself in the process. I'll do an episode about that. And then setting boundaries with yourself and with other people. There's also, you have to set boundaries with your yourself. If you want your life to align with your desires. What does your day look like? I, if you desire really to travel, but you never travel the, we've gotta fix something that could be a boundary with yourself. Well, what are, are you spending all this money on something else that's really not working toward what you actually want? It just in the moment seems like a good fix. Like, um, binge shopping, just like a, you know, aimlessly walking the aisles or scrolling on Amazon. 'cause you're filling a, a void in the moment. You just guzzling some wine, a coffee addiction that's expensive. Speaker 1: (21:15)Like getting clear on your alignment with what you desire and setting those boundaries to get into that alignment is everything. So I will link all this stuff in my show notes. If you have questions, I'll put my email in there as well. You guys deserve the freaking world. And you can get it. You can live a dream version of your life, if that makes sense, right? Like, can I be Mariah Carey right now? Maybe not, but can I live my dream if I wanna, if I love singing, which I do right now, I'm taking voice lessons, I love it. I'm singing on YouTube. I'm having a good old time, right? Like, there's ways to bring your sparkle back on top of, you know, recreating your boundaries with other people, recreating your life through setting the boundaries and letting the good in filling your life with more of the good it by blocking out the bad, right? Speaker 1: (22:25)Think about it. If you have negative energy and people draining you all the time, how are you gonna really be happy and do more of the good stuff or figure out what you even wanna do? Look like, picture it as a scale, right? You want that happy, happy joy, joy to be way up in the air. We want an imbalanced happy scale . Um, because that negative will just weigh you down, rob you of your energy, rob you of your joy, fill you with anxiety and worry. And y you are going to get more than that. I, if you go through this course, you are gonna learn a lot and you are going, it is invaluable. You are going to change your life. So, alright, I'm just, I'm passionate, obviously I could go on and on. Now I have, I've gone on for another like four minutes. Speaker 1: (23:17)So I will let you go, go click on that, purchase it, get that free call with me, which will pop up at the end of your, don't be worried if it's not there right away. Um, you can get, you can purchase an extra one if you'd like to. Um, there's an option for that to get two calls with me. But at the end, automatically at the end of your course, you get that one-on-one call. So you go through the course and then we can chat, you can, you know, if you have any questions about the course, if you're like, okay, I get it, but I have this specific situation that's tricky, can you help me? Yes. All those things. Or we can just sing and dance, do some yoga. Just kidding. Well, not really. We can do whatever you want with that hour, , but I love you guys. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

Ep 50 | The Best Affirmations After Narcissistic Abuse

Empowered Boundaries Program (mentioned in podcast)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
 
Power Hour 1:1 Coaching with Christy SPECIAL PRICE THIS MONTH
https://calendly.com/butstillshethrives/powerhourwithchristyjade
 
Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
 
Christy Jade's Boundaries Course
hhttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
 
Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon
https://amzn.to/46dDSYk
 
EMAIL: fiercemamac@gmail.com
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:02)Hello Queens. How are you? I'm so excited to be back after a little break. Here we are, we are gonna do some affirmations today. I wanna ask you guys for feedback. If you like this type of thing. Every once in a while hit me up at Fiercemamac@gmail.com and all my connecting links are always in the show notes. So don't forget to go to the show notes after the show or save it for later. Send yourself a little reminder. Um, but I would love to hear from you guys. Okay. Second thing we need to discuss, this is amazing. This is awesome. For the rest of the month, I have a few more slots open in my schedule for you guys. This is a super, super special pricing. I first sent it out to my email list, um, so they got the first dibs on it and uh, the spots are going. Speaker 1: (00:55)And if you're not on my email list, also in the show notes that go to the four minute meditation, you get an epic four minute, yeah, ends four minute meditation to start every morning with it is amazing. It's like relaxing but like energizing and grounding all at the same time. It's my client's favorite meditation that I do. So I'm giving you guys that free and when you sign up for that, you also get put on the email list if you opt in for that. If you do that, you can unsubscribe at any time. But why would you want to? Um, so you get first dibs at special pricing. If you're on the email list, you get just a reminder when my podcast comes out every week and then other little things drift in there. Alright, so let's shut up. Well not shut up totally, but shut up about all this and let's get into the actual affirmations. Speaker 1: (01:44)Okay? So I wanted to give you some affirmations for if you have been through abuse or if you've been through any trauma that has just kind of, I don't know, destroyed your confidence, brought you down, messed up your nervous system, any of that. I think we all deserve to actually take some time here. And I wanna hold space for you. So save this for either a time in solitude or if you are driving, just let me do the talking and you don't have to talk back. Pay attention to the road. If you're driving, I will just say these and they will go into your subconscious even if you don't repeat them. Um, and you can save this episode that you can go back to it over and over again every day of your life. No, but saying affirmations morning and night, literally, it's life changing. Speaker 1: (02:36)And it's, when I started my whole healing journey, this was a huge part. I still do it, but this was a huge part and I'm so glad that I did it because it truly does change the wiring in your brain. So let's dive in. So I will speak it and then you will repeat it after out loud in your mind. Or if you're driving and you just wanna let it marinate up in there, that's what you can do. Okay? So I'm gonna give space after. If you're like, where'd she go? That's where I went. All right, let's take a nice breath and get grounded. Ah, just shake out any stresses if you've had, if this is the end of the day or listening, shake out that stress. If this is your morning commute in, just envision a beautiful day ahead and let's go. I will break them up because some are longer. All right? I am worthy of love and respect and I deserve to be treated with kindness and empathy. I release the pain of the past and embrace a future filled with healing. I trust my instincts and boundaries to protect me from toxic relationships. Speaker 1: (04:07)I am not defined by my past. I am creating a brighter and healthier future. I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and understand that I did the best I could. I am strong and resilient and can overcome any challenges that come my way. I choose to focus on my own happiness rather than seeking validation from others. I am in control of my life and I have the power to choose who I allow into it. I am free from the chains of manipulation and can now live authentically and true to myself. I am surrounded by love and support and I am open to receiving it. Speaker 1: (05:51)Okay, so put these on repeat in the morning, in the evening. I just wanna touch on a couple of them real quick. You know, I always like to just go off on a little tangent. I will, I'll save you from going through each one. But the one I choose to focus on my own happiness and wellbeing, I left wellbeing off 'cause it was getting along, but rather than seeking validation from others is so important for us. That's a really big one to focus on. You focus on your own wellbeing and what's good for you and, and stop seeking validation from another person, right? And I love also, I am in control of my life and I have the power to choose who I allow into it. I have the power to choose who I allow into it. That is so, it's so hard when you start on this journey. Speaker 1: (06:48)And I don't know where you are in your journey. I know I have people who are just starting their journey, people who are in the middle, people who have really done some work. But it's so easy to go back on that one and feel guilt naturally. And I want you to give yourself permission to choose who you allow in your space, right? Like, it's so important. You deserve peace. We all do. So I want you to really, really sit on these, play them back again if you want, go hit replay, save this episode to come back to. It's so important to have all of these things really marinate, upping your body queen. Why? 'cause you're a queen. All right? I love you guys. And don't forget to reach out to fill up one of those spots. We can do whatever you want. It is the power hour. Speaker 1: (07:38)That's what I'm calling this. The power hour of whatever service from me you want or need. It can be even a combination. You want like a half hour coaching, a half hour tapping or re you were. Let's do it. I want this customized to you and your needs. So I'm so, so excited. I'm having so much fun with this. So definitely sign up. There's also gonna always be that link to my boundaries. Course it is updated and better than ever. So go check that out. Just always go look at my show notes for all the things that are happening in Christy Jade World. All right, love you guys. Don't forget to save this episode so you can go back to it and really reinforce this 'cause you all are some serious Queens, Smooches and Dueces!