But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

Ep 33 | How to Help Heal Anxiety and Fear After Narcissistic Abuse

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This week we talk about How to Help Heal Anxiety and Fear After Narcissistic Abuse
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FREEBIE TIME!My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, my beautiful queen Bees. Today we're talking more about the effects of narcissistic abuse. If you are jumping in new here, welcome. We are doing this whole series on the effects of narcissistic abuse, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, all of fun. So stick around for how to help heal anxiety and fear after narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:23)All right, so we know surviving, narcissistic abuse can take a lot of courage and resilience, but the journey toward healing does not end once the relationship is over. Once you've disconnected, often survivors are left grappling with anxiety and fear that linger long after the abuse has ended. So these emotional wounds can be very overwhelming, but it's essential to remember that healing is possible, right? Having that faith has been a big part of my journey. So today we're gonna explore strategies to help you navigate and overcome some of those anxieties and fears. Empowering you to reclaim that inner strength. Cuz girl, I see it. I know it's there. Let's do this. First of all, you have to validate your feelings, right? It's the first step really, in any form of abuse, acknowledging it and saying, yes, yes, this was abuse, this was bad. It's okay that I have these effects, these psychological effects, whatever sort of effects, it's okay and it's normal in this situation that I'm in, right? Is this situation a common thing? No. We are warriors who have survived some of the craziest type of abuse out there. So it's okay to validate your feelings. These people made us feel completely crazy, like things were our fault. Like we were crazy, like we were perceiving things incorrectly, that we were just paranoid, that we were sensitive, you know, all the things they called us. Okay? So you're out of it. I want you to breathe. Put your hand to your heart and say, my feelings are valid. I'm serious. I'm gonna give you a moment. Speaker 1: (03:06)Really s just suck it all in. Like it's okay. It's okay that there may be some resistance there too. This is why I'm big on affirmations, repeating these things daily in the morning before you go to bed. My feelings are valid, is a really important affirmation for people who have gone through such abuse. Another standard, I did it myself, is seeking professional help. This stuff is hard to go through alone. I highly suggest reaching out to myself of course, because this is what I do. Very specific to this type of abuse. I have a lot of knowledge, a lot of experience, and it's fun to work with me. So yay. Or a therapist, I always will say a therapist who has experience in their own lives with narcissism is going to be very beneficial. Okay? So someone who specializes in trauma and abuse, great, but narcissistic abuse, it is different. Speaker 1: (04:05)And I do think it's important to try to seek out a professional who has the experience with narcissism. So whether it's me or a therapist, somebody there to help you understand narcissism further. Not only that, but helping, keeping you accountable every week to be doing this work because it, it can be tiring. But that's why in my programs, whether you do one-on-one or with my upcoming course, it's always going to be, this doesn't have to be so heavy and so hard. We'll have our moments. But this is really on building our, our self-esteem back and doing fun things and doing the meditation and making it lighter and happier and, and bringing peace and joy into your life in a fun way. So if you can get that from someone else or myself, that is fabulous, but have someone supporting you, you definitely need that along this journey. Speaker 1: (05:04)The third thing is practicing self-care. So engaging in self-care activities is crucial for your wellbeing. Focusing on nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental health, right? So you can do this kind of, I call it sparkle by sparkle. Focusing on one thing at a time and adding it to your routine so you don't overwhelm yourself and you don't feel like, oh, I have to do all the things to change my life. First of all, you're changing your life for the better. So, woo-hoo. Second of all, it can be fun. It's going to be fun. It's meant to be fun. My journey, I didn't realize that healing could be so liberating. Build my confidence so much and just make me like cutting out all the chaos and filling it with peace instead and uplifting people instead of people I had had in my life. It truly changed my world in such a way that that's part of why I do this, right? Speaker 1: (05:59)Like I want you guys to get to experience this. So a lot of these things, we've talked about them in multiple episodes, but exercise, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, all of these things are truly going to help your anxiety levels, your fear, because this is all this energy that gets stuck in our physical body, right? And our mind and all, but physical exercise truly releases negative energy. I talk about yin yoga a lot, I love it. If you want to ask me more about yin yoga, you can email me at fierce mama M A M AAC gmail.com. That'll always be in my show notes on the podcast, by the way, wherever you're listening. But exercise is so important, such a great, great way to release energy meditation, being present, right? Really being in the moment. And yes, some things, some hard things may come up and you walk through and release them. Speaker 1: (06:56)Same thing with journaling. It's a great way to process and do those fun things. Find those new activities that maybe you didn't get to do or old hobbies you kind of fell out of doing or someone made you stop doing things you love because they were so controlling, right? This is your time to recreate yourself and part of that journey is this self-care. So remind yourself too that you deserve love, kindness to yourself. Very important. Give yourself grace and healing. So number four, I just touched on it quickly, but surrounding yourself with supportive people. Man, what a life changer. So for me, this was huge. This was a defining moment in my life, realizing there are people out there who are so uplifting who really support you and like trusting people again, and it can take some time, but trusting that people have your best interests and looking out for those red flags, and I have episodes on that of course, but looking out for those things can take time as well. Speaker 1: (08:02)But if you have friends already that are supportive, spend more time with them, spend more time with the people you trust and have fun with too, right? Maybe you just have some friends that are really fun to hang out with and you just wanna go get a margarita and chat and sit outside and have a good laugh. That's so important for your soul too. There are also a lot of support groups, especially with this online world. Now, there are tons of support groups. So you can look on Facebook or other social media outlets and find a community. Um, I myself am part of a couple of narcissistic abuse groups on Facebook. So whatever is your jam or your social hangout, see if you can find some people there. Even if you're watching videos like on YouTube, I find that if you're involved and you comment, you can kind of find each other. Speaker 1: (08:53)I actually made amazing friends, one of my best friends I made through YouTube about 10 years ago. We both were doing makeup videos and found each other and now we talk all the time. So you just never know what's out there in the world wa web. But surrounding yourself with people who uplift you like that and validate your experiences can counteract the negative effects of that abuse you've gone through and help alleviate that anxiety, the fear, the feeling like, oh, I'm crazy, or just not good enough. All that stuff that comes up. You start to kind of rewrite those thoughts by your own self-healing, but also hanging out with people who are saying the opposite and are like, do you know how amazing you are? I have a best friend who's like such a cheerleader and it, it might be over the top to some people, but I don't care. Speaker 1: (09:44)I feel like people have gone through the we've gone through. It's okay for us to get a little cheerleading in. It's okay to have friends around us that are really in our corner and like, girl, you're amazing. Don't forget it. We should all have that. So I hope you find that too. All right, number five, back to setting boundaries. I know we talk about this a lot because it's so dang important. I'm the queen of boundaries. I love it. So one common trait though of narcissistic abusers, which you may know by now, is a lack of respect of boundaries. So learning to set healthy boundaries is essential at this point. Essential for your wellbeing. Like if you wanna go on this piece journey and you want it to work and you wanna not go back, you wanna not get sucked into the drama, you don't wanna attract future relationships, whether it's romantic or friendships, anything that even smells like narcissism. Speaker 1: (10:38)Then you have to learn how to set these healthy boundaries, right? This can reduce the anxiety and fear because you know that you have your peace bubble and no one's gonna get in there, no one's gonna ruin that for you when you set those healthy boundaries. So it does it, it can take some time, like it took me a little bit to get there, but that's what I'm here for to help you. Yay. So recognize that you have the right to say no and remember that is a full sentence. No, you don't have to explain yourself away and prioritize your needs. So practice assertiveness in communicating your boundaries and surround yourself with the people who not only uplift you, but respect your boundaries and support them. Like they want you to have boundaries. They want you to protect yourself and they wanna help you protect yourself. Speaker 1: (11:28)Those are the people we're trying to have in our life. Got it, . All right, number six, explore therapeutic techniques. So, you know, we talked about exercise, some meditation, all of that. This is kind of focusing on that. Mindfulness, the meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, shout out to you in yoga or creative outlets, right? Like this weekend, me and my stepsister had so much fun. This was Memorial Day weekend for us here in the US and it's a long weekend. I actually had a four day weekend, should I, how many times can I say? Weekend, weekend, weekend. But my stepsister and my nephew came over and we had so much fun doing artwork, jamming on the guitar and singing and just having a good old time. And that is something, creative outlets like that, like art, that's something I brought back into my life after I disconnected from a narcissistic abuser and it really helped me release and helped me feel better and reduced. Speaker 1: (12:32)The anxiety, it gets you out of your head and you're putting that energy out, man. Do like a Jackson. If you, if you're in the angry phase, you get a bunch of those brushes dipped in all those pigments and just start waving all up in the air. Like you just don't gu No, but really there's, there's so many ways to express ourselves in our emotions and after abuse, it's just a, it's a great way, it's a great way to release less, but not least. Number seven, embrace self-reflection and growth. So use this period of healing to engage in, in this self-reflection, in digging a little, right? And it doesn't have to be so hard and dark. It can be, yes, you're gonna have moments, okay, we're gonna have to process, we're gonna have to feel the emotions to get through them. But the longer you try to resist, the harder it is to actually walk through the mud, right? Speaker 1: (13:27)To me, it's like the slower you go or you have a resistance picture, you're walking through mud, it's gonna take longer. I'm the type, I'm like, you know what? I know I gotta do this. I'm gonna feel this pain. I'm gonna let out a big cry about it. I'm gonna do what I gotta do and I'm gonna run. Cause we wanna get to that piece, right? That's why you're here, that recreating yourself, peace, joy, feeling like a queen. We're here for it. So explore your values, your interests, your passions. Rediscover. Who are you? It's you 2.0. You get to decide. You get to create who you want to be. Now you aren't under the thumb of anyone else. You don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, right? So set goals, dream and celebrate even the tiniest achievements. By focusing on your personal growth, you can rebuild your self-esteem and completely regain. Speaker 1: (14:23)I can't say completely, okay, God's in charge, but you know what I mean. You can regain so much more control over your life than you have had up to this point, right? Like how does that feel? Take a breath and just think, how would it feel to feel really in control of my life alongside if you're a God person, which I am. I mean I got my arm and arm of God, me and g o d hanging out. He's got the control, but I get to make so many decisions that free will is there for me to listen to his whispers or his yells. If you're not a God person, I don't know. Listen to the universe, listen to your higher power, whatever. I don't care what it is, but there's something out there that is bigger than us and you get to reach higher and you get to pull from that and know there's many beautiful things in this world and you deserve them just as anybody else. Speaker 1: (15:16)Sometimes we look, oh, why did I have to go through this? Or look at them. They have this right? Comparing, especially with social media. No, you get to create a beautiful life and you have to believe that first before you can do it. So you've gotta do some healing. You've gotta do this work, but I promise you, you can build yourself a beautiful life no matter what the past has been. Okay? Okay? Overcoming this anxiety, these fears after abuse. It is challenging. I'm not gonna lie about that, but it is possible. So remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Give yourself a little hug every day. Say, oh, you're doing so good girl. Look at you. Look at you growing and navigate this healing journey by seeking support, practicing all that good self-care. I mean, that's fun, right? We should get excited about more self-care. Speaker 1: (16:03)Setting those boundaries, those fierce, fierce boundaries cuz you're a queen and embracing the personal growth, you can reclaim that inner strength and pave the way for a brighter, peaceful, more joyful, anxiety free future. How does that sound? That feels so good, doesn't it? Yes. Ooh. All right. Don't forget to go on my show notes. Um, let me look at the date I have. Oh my gosh, we only have two more days if you're listening. No. One more day. If you're listening on Tuesday, it's today and tomorrow I am still doing my May deal where you get a V I P pricing for my journey two piece blueprint. You get one full one-on-one session with me coaching on Zoom. You can either see my face or not. You have an option of video or audio, seems like everybody wants video so we can see each other. Speaker 1: (16:59)And then I will send an email, follow up to our call with our little plan we discuss, and then there will be a mini checkup call at the end. And if you choose to, you can move on and continue to work with me. Weekly is usually how I roll because we love that accountability and really start thriving in your life because that's the name of the podcast. But still she thrives. We gotta thrive. We're here for a short time. We gotta make it the best we can. And yeah, we had some happen, but guess what? We're stronger than that. We are stronger than our past. So check out those show notes, the podcast description, whatever you wanna call it, to sign up for the journey two piece blueprint. Yes. So I'm gonna end with a couple little affirmations cuz you know how I roll. Speaker 1: (17:46)Let's put our hands to our heart. But not if you're driving girl. No. All right. I am safe. I am free. I'm a queen bee. Yeah, I had to, I had to be cheesy and rhyme. Why not? All right. Worry less, smile more. Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna knock these anxieties and fears out. We're gonna get 'em. See you beauties. In the next episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you get notified when the episodes come up. And also you can join my free Facebook group. It's in the podcast show notes. And also I have a freebie. If you don't have my meditation, girl, what are you doing? Go get it. It'll say four minute meditation in my podcast notes. It's amazing. Start your day right? Cuz you know when you start it wrong things go wrong. I'm just saying. Okay, love you.

Ep 32 | How to Rebuild Self Esteem After Narcissistic Abuse

Top 3% in podcasts globally
This week we talk about the ways to rebuild self esteem after narcissistic abuse. 
Let me help you with 1:1 coaching special pricing for the month of May!
One spot left!
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE!!!
https://queensofpeacewaitlist.lpages.co/early-bird-waitlist/
FREEBIE TIME!My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT

Ep 31 | Did This Toxic Relationship Damage You Forever? The Psychological Effects of Narcissistic Abuse and How to Heal SERIES INTRO

Top 3% in podcasts globally
This weeks starts the series on the Psychological Effects of Narcissistic abuse and how you can start your healing journey in relation to each one! 
Let me help you with 1:1 coaching special pricing for the month of May!
One spot left!
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE!!!
https://queensofpeacewaitlist.lpages.co/early-bird-waitlist/
FREEBIE TIME!My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I am so excited to start this series. This is all about the long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse. This is something I go really deep into with my clients and we work on it one-on-one and their customized plan. But I'm starting this series to help more people know about what those effects are, and we'll go as we go on in the series, we will touch on each one more deeply and about how specifically we can help heal each wound. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:32)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies. Let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:30)The long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse can be significant and have a lasting impact on the victims. So we're gonna talk today about some common effects that survivors may experience. Let us dive on in. So first, a big one, low self-esteem. Pretty much every client I work with, every victim I've spoken to and myself has had narcissistic abuse that results in lower self-esteem. It often involves consistent criticism, belittling and demeaning behavior, right? So obviously over time, especially if you've been in a really long-term relationship, whether it's during your childhood or a romantic relationship or even a friendship, this can erode a person's self-esteem leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. I know for myself, between my childhood and my adult sh in between there, starting at a young age because I was put down and told that I was stupid or I wasn't interesting or whatever it was that my narcissist used to say to me to make it as if I was not as smart as them. Speaker 1: (02:46)I was not as good as them would know the right buttons to push that over time. And honestly, pretty quickly in my childhood, I became a person who believed that they were not, not capable enough, especially in the academic area, which I was smart. I am smart, right? We all have our strengths in any academic area. One may be more than the other, like English and creative versus scientific and math, whatever. But I was convinced I wasn't really good at anything. Even though I was in honors classes, I felt like it was almost imposter syndrome. Like maybe I'm just somehow getting by somehow. That's not really true. I was really brainwashed that I was stupid. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. A lot of us are made to feel like we are not as valuable as the narcissist. We are not smart, we are not capable. Speaker 1: (03:40)They want us to be dependent on them and to need them. So they will reiterate and repeat how not intelligent we are in some form. And this completely will trash our self-esteem as time goes on. So if you have low self-esteem, if you have low self-worth, you are not alone. And it makes absolute sense that you don't if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Another super annoying side effect of narcissistic abuse is anxiety and fear. So victims of narcissistic abuse may develop chronic anxiety and fear due to the unpredictable nature of the relationship. So if you grew up or in a a romantic relationship, any situation with a narcissist where you had to walk on eggshells, you had to look over your shoulder and wonder what mood are they gonna be? Are they going to mentally exhaust me? Are they going to physically hit me? Speaker 1: (04:34)Are they going to keep me away from my family? I had plans with today? Whatever it is, there's always fear underneath when you're dealing with a narcissist. So this will bleed into other parts of your life, even after you have disconnected from the narcissist. Something that is, that ingrained will continue on. So it's absolutely necessary, obviously to get help for all this. Again, we will be talking about how to heal these situations and these wounds in this series. So make sure to subscribe on whatever platform you're listening. Depression, ugh, this one is rough. That big dark gloomy cloud that takes over your life makes you feel like you don't have any motivation. You don't wanna get outta bed, maybe you don't wanna shower. Maybe you feel like you have nobody in your life, you're alone. Even if you have a couple friends, you might have a million friends, but you feel this isolation, this loneliness, this downward spiral. Speaker 1: (05:35)Um, if you're in a narcissistic situation, you may feel like you are stuck and can't get out. And even after you are out of this situation, this can still linger. Depression can still linger. You can have guilt, you can have shame. You can have a lot of depression based feelings that occur because of their gaslighting. That can really, really cause depression and being in your head too much cuz you're always trying to figure out what you did wrong or are you crazy? So victims may feel hopeless, helpless, and trapped even when you are outside of the situation. Your mind can still feel trapped. And this is normal when you are in or out of any narcissistic abusive situation. All right, let's just gather around for a big warm welcome to the complex post-traumatic stress disorder. See P T S D, you've probably heard this, especially narcissistic abuse victims. Speaker 1: (06:33)If you had star, if you have started studying this, you know, people will talk about narcissistic abuse, ptsd, it is common. It can cause symptoms similar to those of PTs D but with additional features related to the long-term nature of abuse because some of us have gone our entire lives under the thumb of a narcissist. So survivors may experience flashbacks, hypervigilance, disassociation, and difficulty forming, trusting relationships. I know a lot of you have talked to me about how you feel like you cannot trust not just other people, but your own relationship with yourself. You have trust issues because you feel like you can't trust yourself, that you're not going to get yourself into another narcissistic relationship, whether that is just because that's what you're used to from your childhood or your upbringing, or whether that's because you chose a relationship that ended up being narcissistic, which is not your fault. Speaker 1: (07:35)I wanna reiterate that. But this is something that can occur in PTs, D and C, PTs D where it can feel a little worse with C P T S D if it is a longer amount of time. You have more time that you have doubted yourself and you look back and think, gosh, I dealt with a and maybe, uh, quote, I chose to, which I hate that. I hate that wording, but a lot of people say that to me. Well, I chose this relationship, right? I don't like to think of it that way. That's a whole other episode. But that is something that can happen from that sort of relationship because you look back on it almost with a guilt and a lack of trust. So trying to move forward, trying to gain trust in a new relationship, you can feel totally scared, terrified, and not trusting of yourself. Speaker 1: (08:26)Again, these are very normal, normal effects of narcissistic abuse. More of those trust issues, the external trust issues repeated betrayals and emotional manipulation have occurred in a narcissistic relationship, right? So this can make it very challenging for you to trust others. And you may become guarded and suspicious of anyone fearing others will take advantage of you and hurt you. Again, emotional dysregulation. This is a recent buzzword. I'm glad it's getting more attention. Narcissistic abuse can disrupt a person's ability to regulate their emotions. Survivors may experience intense mood swings, difficulty managing your anger or your sadness and struggling with stabilizing your emotions. That's what it is. They're dysregulated, they're up, they're down. You can feel like your own emotions are not predictable. And this is again, a very normal side effect of narcissistic abuse, if you wanna call it that. Um, it's very common and I think first of all, knowing about it and shining a light on it can help saying, okay, this isn't me being crazy or being, because we get called crazy a lot when we are abused by a narcissist. Speaker 1: (09:47)Can I get a what, what? Yes. So this is finally shining a light on this and saying, wow, this is actually a side effect. This is an effect of abuse, emotional dysregulation. So again, very, very common. And we'll go to the next one, which is self blame and guilt. So often narcissists will shift the blame onto their victims. Very common. I mean a hundred percent common, making you believe that the abuse is your fault. So this can lead to feelings of guilt, self blame, and a very distorted sense of responsibility for the abusive behavior. We, which we touched on a little bit, especially reflecting back. But even while you're in it, sometimes that is why we stay in the situations we are, um, made to believe that it's our fault. And if we didn't do X, y, z, this narcissist would not act this way. Speaker 1: (10:43)I'm here to tell you that's. They will act that way no matter what it is. Not you, it is them, but they are going to make you feel like it is your fault. And even when you disconnect from a narcissist, you can absolutely still have this guilt and shame and it is a very, very normal feeling to come out of narcissistic relationships, feeling this way, still having that guilt, guilt, still questioning yourself. And you are not alone in this at all. All right? Having boundary issues, this is a huge one. You may have had boundary issues to begin with and they, it can only get worse because narcissists stick abuse often involves a violation of personal boundaries. They don't respect boundaries, right? So survivors may struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries in their relationships, in their future relationships leading to difficulties in asserting their needs and protecting themselves from harm. Speaker 1: (11:42)Even though when we get out, we get this relief and all of that, it's so ingrained in us to almost people please and be afraid. We're afraid to set boundaries, right? But I'm gonna help you with that. Yes I am. Stick with me, I'm the boundary queen. Now, social isolation, ooh, those narcissists will isolate their victims from family, from friends and support networks, right? They want you again, dependent on them. As a result, survivors may experience social withdrawal, difficulty forming new relationships, even if you want to. There's this subconscious pull that it just feels scary or wrong because of what you've been through. And you could have a feeling of loneliness. I've experienced this myself. I mean, even at a, at a time I had 50 friends. I'm an extrovert, all these people in my life because of narcissistic situations and what you are led to believe in your mind, you can feel very lonely regardless of what connections you do have. Speaker 1: (12:49)I want to just add in here, it is very important to have support after you have disconnected from a narcissist or narcissistic situation. Um, especially if they were like your main squeeze. Um, it's so important to try to reconnect with old people in your life and be honest with those people and try to gain that support or new friendships. And it's difficult. I have a couple of episodes on friendship that I will post, but also there will be upcoming episodes about this topic. Last but not least, self-doubt and identity confusion. So the constant gaslighting and manipulation can make victims question their perceptions and reality, right? So I get it. You may lose touch with your own identity, your preferences, the values, right? Because you have been dependent on this person or they have created a dependency on them where they are controlling you, you are under their control. Speaker 1: (13:52)You are letting them make all of your decisions, right? So you don't even know what you like and don't like anymore. And you have now been conditioned to prioritize the needs and desires of the narcissistic abuser rather than yourself. So this is a huge part of what I do is recreating your identity as the new you U 2.0. I'll keep saying it because that's what, that's what I do with a lot of my clients, right? Where are you now? Where do you wanna be? And let's figure out who the hell you are. I mean, we know it's a queen, but what kind of specific queen are you ? So it's important to note that the impact of this abuse can vary from person to person, right? Not everyone will experience all of these effects, though a lot of them are very, very common. So seeking professional help from someone like me who is experienced in narcissistic abuse specifically can be very beneficial for survivors in addressing and healing these psychological effects. Speaker 1: (14:58)So as always, you can look at the links in my show notes to uh, find the ways to work with me and I will have anything I mentioned link below in those show notes. Whatever platform you are on, you can find it. And a reminder is this the last week? This may be the last week. I have I think just one more slot open for my blueprint journey two piece, um, which is one call. And then we have like a little mini checkup call, but we do a customized blueprint for you if you are looking for a boost into your healing. Um, I will put that link definitely in the show notes. So check that out. And that is just through the month of May. You are grandfathered into that pricing. If you sign up and you do it in June instead, you'll still get the same pricing, but you have to sign up in May. So I'll put that link if that, that's a great way to start working with me. And it's, it's a really, it's a really great deal. It is half off my regular price, so I'm so excited to work with more of you. So check out my show notes and I will talk to you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are not your narcissistic abuse effects. They do not define you and you can heal and you are a queen.

Ep 30 | How Narcissistic Abuse Changed Me with Special Guest Carol Lorraine

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Join me and special guest Carol Lorraine in a conversation about how much narcissistic abuse can affect your life, but you can still come out thriving!
The book Carol mentioned:
Getting the Love You Want
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:02)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with, and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought, and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 2: (01:00)And I have a special guest today. I'm so excited to have on. This is my friend, my personal friend, Carol Lorraine, and she is the owner of Sizzling Marketing Group. She is a marketing genius. She actually helps me with my marketing, and she has been a client of mine and we're friends, so we have a lot of history together. Um, I'm so excited to have you on. Welcome. Speaker 3: (01:25)Thank you. I'm so excited to be on your podcast. I'm a fan, I'm a fan of her podcast. . I've, I keep learning through it as well, even though I've been studying this for a while. But I always learn something new. So I tell people that as well. Like, just listen, you're, you'll learn something new, a new perspective, something. Speaker 2: (01:43)Yes. Yes. And Carol, like she said, she has done some research and education herself on narcissistic abuse and had her own experience. So I guess we can start there. What has your experience been with narcissistic abuse up to this point in your life? ? Speaker 3: (02:01)Uh, I definitely have been in a romantic relationship with one. Didn't really realize that until later when I started learning more about it. But that was, yeah, I've had some relationships where there were the narcissistic behaviors going on. I definitely understood back then it was like, this is not what I want. But I understood more later about avoiding attachments, narcissistic behaviors. There's obviously a spectrum on it, so not everyone's like horrible, but they do have tendencies. So, Speaker 2: (02:39)Yes. So what, what point or the culmination of things, what made you kind of want to dive deeper to get that deeper understanding? Similar to my situation where I just reached a point, um, did you have a specific point where that hit or that light bulb was like, I really wanna dive deeper and like really understand what's going on with the whole narcissism thing, because it's such a word that's thrown around and not used correctly and all of that. So Speaker 3: (03:07)Yes. It was when, it was a few years ago, I think I caught it on YouTube or something. It was a clip of Oprah and Kate Hudson, and they were talking about relationships, talking about how we attract certain people in our lives, certain types of relationships. And they mentioned some book, and I don't remember the name, but I'll find it. And that way you can link it mm-hmm. . But it was, um, they were speaking such high praise about it. And Kate Hudson said, this book inspired me to break up with a relationship at that time. And she said, it's because I realized why I attracted that man in my life. And I realized why I attracted the same man in my life in a different body. Mm-hmm. . And it was of unhealed issues she had going on unhealed wounds that she hadn't faced yet. Speaker 3: (03:56)And it was like, oh my God. Right? Like, okay, there's something I'm doing that is attracting something. Like I wanna learn what I'm doing. I wanna learn what these wounds are and how to fix them. And so it was doing that deep dive, learning more about attachments, learning more about like trauma wounds and all those things. And I was like, oh my gosh. And so then I realized, and I looked at, okay, what are there patterns in people I've dated? Like is there something I can find that has been a pattern? And some of them were different, but yeah, there was somes similarities and some of them. And I thought, okay, now I know why I attracted that. And I now at least the good thing is I can fix that. Speaker 2: (04:34)Yes. So for you, what was, what you first of all noticed as the pattern in your, well, let's start with who you dated. Was there a certain pattern that really showed up? I know you mentioned kind of avoidant. Can you go deeper into that a little bit? Speaker 3: (04:51)And, you know, not everybody was avoidant. So, and I actually, I was not avoidant with everybody either. I was the ones avoidant with me. So, but I actually did have really secure relationships too. I, one of my really good friends is an ex-boyfriend of mine from college, and we talked about our relationship and I was like, we actually have a very good relationship. Yeah. The only reason was because I realized he was an alcoholic. Mm-hmm. , that was, I recognized earlier in my life that I, I didn't realize until after I was dating them that they were alcoholics. They were all very funny. They were all, they made me laugh. Like I had a lot of fun with them. But after spending more time dating them, I started realizing, this isn't healthy. This person's actually an alcoholic, you know? Mm-hmm. And that mean this. But then I realized, why am I attracting alcoholic after alcoholic? Speaker 3: (05:37)You know, what is it about these people? You know, obviously they were all funny and charismatic and all those things. But then I realized, you know, they, they did have, and then, and then I started to pinpoint certain things about their backgrounds, their childhoods of what led them to utilize alcoholism to self-sooth. Yes. But one pattern I found was the alcoholism, um, the avoidant with some of them. See, he was not an avoidant, that particular boyfriend of mine, um, he was an alcoholic, but we had a very good relationship aside from that. Like, we really didn't even fight, you know? I mean, even when I brought up a couple concerns, he like fixed it immediately. And I told him that like, you were actually a really good boyfriend, aside from the fact that I just didn't wanna be with someone who I couldn't go out to dinner with and you'd not get drunk. You know, like, Speaker 2: (06:23)Yeah. Right. It was just Speaker 4: (06:24)Like Speaker 3: (06:25)That. And I was like, oh, you know, like, I don't want that, you know, I just wanna be able to go to dinner and then we just have a nice dinner and come home. And it's not like you're slamming like shots, you know, after one, another party till like three in the AM on a Tuesday night, you know? Speaker 2: (06:38)Yes. And speaking of alcoholism, that is something that can be common for narcissists to B because, well, a, they have a lot of pain inside and a lot of them use that as an escaping mechanism. Mm-hmm. . And also, you know, like you said, it's a way for them to, you know, do that self soothing in general. Mm-hmm. . And as far as your pattern that you saw in yourself, like you said, so some of it was avoidance. Was there anything else that popped up for you that you learned and, and kind of chipped away at so that you could heal? Speaker 4: (07:15)Yes. I recognized for me the, gosh, it depended cuz it was with different people. Mm-hmm. , like I, I was able to have secure relationships with some people and there was other people I was not. And so I think with the ones I was not able to have a more, just, more like steady relationship with. I ran away a lot. I did not handle, you know, I just, like, if I saw something that triggered me, I was out, you know? Mm-hmm. breaking up with them a lot later on, getting back with 'em, you know, I had like those rollercoaster relationships. Yes. Yes. Whereas the difference now is I wouldn't do that again. So now, like since two years since my last breakup, and I've healed thanks to a lot of our work, I think we're meeting like every week Speaker 2: (08:07). Yes. But Speaker 4: (08:09)Thanks to that, now if I see an issue that I know will be problematic in terms of compatibility, I already know and I'm not going to even engage further anymore. And I'm totally at peace with the fact just knowing like, we're not compatible enough, reas my old self would still continue and think, well, maybe I can work on that and maybe I can fix and, you know, maybe we can. And, and now I'm like, no, there's certain things that I know are really crucial to a foundation of a healthy relationship. And if, and it needs to feel peaceful for me, there needs to be conflict resolution skills, there needs to be self-awareness. And I no longer wanna be somebody's coach. I no longer want to do those things. Right. I, you know, would like to have someone who's already done that work as well, because I can't be in something now that doesn't feel peaceful. Cuz now I know what that feels like and I can't go back to the chaos in the rollercoaster anymore. But I was used to a rollercoaster life growing up, which is why the rollercoaster was okay for me. Like, I mean, I ran away a lot growing up, and so packing my and leaving was like, this is the norm. Speaker 2: (09:22)Just another day. just another day. Yes. And that's a great point to bring up. Um, because yes, if we grow up in, you know, narcissistic environments or just any sort of abuse of, or even just being dismissed, and I've talked about this recently of some of my clients, even just being dismissed, not feeling like you're important or heard. And that could be generational too with kids that is like, you know, yeah. Be seen and not heard. You know, I'm the parent and the, not like a mutual respect. Um, but that can, when you have some sort of environment that is some sort of trauma or up and down like that, and you and I have talked about this too, where you're so, you're just so comfortable with it that you, it's like you don't know any better. So a lot of us who have been in romantic situations, it, it does usually point to the fact that as children, we were in some sort of dynamic, whether it's narcissistic or not, where we felt comfortable with the chaos or the up and down, almost like, it, it felt safe in a way for us that was like a comfort of, and that could be like, oh, they may, my parent is so up and down where it's that over the top. Speaker 2: (10:39)I always say like, Eminem and Kim, right? It's like mm-hmm. that up and down where the good is really, really good, almost like blissful mm-hmm. . And the, the lows are so low and you, you feel so bad, but, so then you just ache and seek that high again. And it's like almost becomes an addiction to that big dopamine hit. Um, which, and that you and I also spoke about recently, um, getting into relationships that are healthy, such as me and my husband and whatever, where it's like, oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like. It's not those crazy highs and big lows. Not like we don't have great days or great dates and different things, but yeah. It's a lot more even and not, oh my gosh, I'm on cloud a thousand and the world is perfect and then these deep lows Speaker 4: (11:33)And, and my prehealth cell would get boring. Yes. In healthier relationships. Like I said, I did have some fun secure relationships, so maybe it wasn't all attributed to that, but I do remember with my ex-husband when we first started dating about a month and a half in, I was just like, this is too easy. Yes. Speaker 2: (11:55)I was just gonna say, it's exactly what I said with my husband. I was like, I was like, I Speaker 4: (11:59)Think I'm gonna break up with him. I don't know, something off about this. Like, I don't know, I'm, and I remember like having to talk to son, be like, you actually, you actually prayed for somebody like this. Mm-hmm. , what are you gonna do? Do you really wanna go back to your like, toxic previous relationship? Which is kind of what I was considering. Yeah. Like going back to the like person beforehand. Yeah. Speaker 2: (12:21)Almost like there's an excitement and uncertainty that we Speaker 4: (12:25)Get Speaker 2: (12:26)Used to. Speaker 4: (12:27)Well, I got so used to, well, and also growing up, I growing up I would leave and then my parents like, you know, and they didn't have to like beg me back. And, uh, I got used to that to me being like, I'm glad I had like, okay, I'm leaving, right? This is, I don't like this. Um, but then I got used to someone constantly begging me back and so like in the previous relationship I was so used to leaving him, like doing whatever he needed to do to get me back. So like getting with my husband, uh, ex-husband, I was like, this is weird. There's like, you know, I subconsciously, I was kind of like, where's the drama? Where's the, you know, like this. Speaker 2: (13:06)Yeah. Speaker 4: (13:07)You know what I mean? It's almost Speaker 2: (13:08)The cat and mouse or the game of it. Yeah. Speaker 4: (13:11)Yeah. Like I don't, I don't even wanna call it excitement, but like, something just felt so different and I, I'm, you know, I ended up staying and not breaking up with him and doing all that thing, but we ended up still having like a, you know, we, we still had like a tornado hurricane relationship anyways, so he had, you know, unhealed things also from his past. And then we did not fight well, you know, like mm-hmm. , he, we did not fight well and you know, it was so that was like bad if we'd get an argument it was get like worse, you know? So. Right. Um, and I'm so glad that the boyfriend had, after him, he was like, so calm, like, so calm, so patient, you know, if we were arguing he was like, I was just like so impressed with like how calm he was. I was like, oh wow, . Um, that's so different. Yeah. Speaker 2: (14:03)And it's refreshing. I mean, after you get over the hill of it, like I did with my husband at first, I, I was literally just waiting for a shoe to drop. I'm like, okay, this first of all cannot be real. This is too easy. And then once I was like, I worked on myself a little to be like, you deserve easy peace. It's okay. Like I just wasn't used to it and kind of almost had to train myself to be okay with a healthy relationship. Speaker 4: (14:28)And Speaker 2: (14:29)Then it's like, even if it doesn't work out, if it's someone that's healthier and you know, like you and your ex may have not worked out, but you saw, look, there's, this is what it should feel like. The calm part of it and the, you know, maybe I don't know what, what worked and what didn't in that relationship, but whatever worked, it's realizing, oh, this is out there and I, I can get that and I deserve that behavior and that communication or whatever it is, it's, it's nice to, for me it was something I never really had until my husband. So having, it was this just light bulb of like, this exists. Like, once I got over the hump of like deciding, hey, I do want this and I'm okay and I deserve this. It was like relaxing into that. It was scary. But, so just, I don't even wanna say happy cuz it's a calmer feeling. Just this peace of like, I can have a life like this holy. You know? Yeah. Speaker 4: (15:27)Like, this exists and, you know, and I've met, I've dated, um, several men since my last relationship in the last two years. Some of them, you know, a couple months and then some of them just here and there because they don't live here. Speaker 2: (15:41)Mm-hmm. . Speaker 4: (15:42)And luckily they've all been, you know, very, most of them have been like just really great solid men. And, and it's really refreshing because the only unfortunate part was like, oh, they don't live here. I'm not doing that again. You know, like, I'm not doing long distance again. Old Carol would've done that, not this one. I'm not committing to somebody that's not in my vicinity. You know, there's already enough things that contribute to obstacles and relationships. I'm not gonna have the long distance one be an extra one. I, I did a long distance before I got married the whole time. We were long distance and then it created, I shouldn't say it created, but the fact that we didn't live in the same place and have all that, when we got married and lived together, it was very hard to navigate. Yes. When I moved to Houston and we were like living together for the first time and in the same city and the same home for the first time, it was rocky. That first nine months. Really rocky. Speaker 2: (16:38)Wow. Yeah. I had a, a long distance relationship as well. Same as you. Um, I think the earlier me would have been just like so excited, like, oh, I have this guy who likes me and I like him. And almost like, I don't say I was desperate, but a desperate energy toward the relationship because I was like, oh, this guy's great, you know? And then I had to realize, yes, but it just started, it was going on too long to not be together and same as you. It just doesn't work for me. It works for some people. Great. It just, it, it didn't work for me. So it was like, you know, that's okay. I see there, you know, he was a nice enough guy. I won't say the level of my husband cuz like nobody is, not nobody, but I mean mm-hmm. it, I didn't date many nice nicer guys anyway. And, um, it was just cool to see like, okay, well that can possibly happen. And then, you know, then I met my husband, which was just unreal and really like, I Okay, that's like a whole other level and Speaker 4: (17:44)Yeah. Well, and, and even, so here's the other reason I attracted certain dynamics because again, I didn't really know peace yet. I barely reached that in 2022. Um, which I'm so glad I did. It was just life changing. The caliber of men that exist, like your husband, like some of my friend's, husband's, boyfriends. I truly didn't believe in that. I didn't believe in it. I didn't think that existed. So I settled for what I thought was like, well this is, I mean, that's the best it's gonna get. Speaker 2: (18:22)Yeah. Yeah. Speaker 4: (18:23)Like, I just really just thought, you know, we asked, we're offload, but now when I really, and it's part of it, that part of that's my fault too. You have to believe in something to start seeing it, right? Yes. So once I started believing that and telling a different story that there are men, like the kind of me true like dream man I would want, that would be working for me, you know, a good fit for me. Mm-hmm. , I started seeing them like a lot more. Like I, I started meeting a lot of them. Unfortunately they don't live here, but I'm like, well, at least it's nice to see that there's so many great men out there and too bad we don't live in the same city, we're too far from each other. But it was really refreshing. Um, and you know, so when they come in town, when I'm over there, we'll see each other and it's fun and it's still nice to be in their presence, but yeah. And that, that was also cha like big Speaker 2: (19:14)For me. Yeah. And that's a great takeaway for listeners who are post narcissistic abuse can, as we know, do a lot of damage to our self-esteem and all of that, but also our faith and our trust. And even I had someone say, do I even wanna trust, like they're scared to even want to trust even open up vulnerable. Speaker 4: (19:35)Oh, I was terrified. So after the, the one I dated, I was 19 and, uh, we dated a few months, but he ended up being Yeah. At the end of the relationship. And that's when you learn more about a person when they're not getting their way right. Yeah. So at the end of the relationship when I left the relationship, the things he was doing, like threatening to kill himself, threatening to come to my home, you know, just harassing me to a certain extent. It, and I ended up, I remember doing something I regretted so bad doing. I remember paying a credit card for him because I kept, they kept calling him and I was like, why don't you just pay it? You know? And I, yeah. And I remember my gut instinct said, don't do that. But then I had to hold, I'd be such a bad girlfriend if I don't pay this credit card for him, which mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (20:15)that I was mad at myself for years after that. I was so angry, so bitter with men after him, went through a depression after that. Like, I just completely changed who I was for a while. Had no faith in men. And I literally called him Satan. Like that was his name for everybody knew. Like, I did not call him his name. His name was Satan for like, that was, I was like, yeah, my ex-boyfriend, I call him Satan. Um, I don't feel like that anymore. But for a while, like I, I had so much resentment towards all man because of him and, and just how much he switched on me, you know, after I think he thought like I had no other options or something. And I was la think again, fu , Speaker 2: (20:56)You're like back. Yeah. Sometimes it's empowering. Uh, yes. My ex told me, he said, you will never, when he realized he used to do same stuff, right? It's kind of like harassing and leaving stuff flowers and calls and tears. And when he finally realized like, oh, I think she's really serious this time, cuz we had broken up a couple times. He looked at me dead in the eye and said, you are never going to find someone like me. And I looked at 'em back and I said, thank God for that. Right? Yeah. Um, but sometimes it's almost empowering if you're at that point to have them turn, turn into the real them in the moment where they're not doing the like, oh, let me get her heartstrings or, you know, winner back over. And they have that moment where they can't help themselves and they have to be that. And that's Speaker 4: (21:51)Why I told them Satan, cuz I remember like the last, one of the last times I spoke to him in person, the last time I saw him in person, I had a, and I remember just telling, I was looking at him, I was so disgusted. I was like, who's this evil creature that was repulsed? And I remember like, I don't know what I told him, and he said he, I never will forget. He like kind of leaned back and he was just like, it was like such a fun, such an egotistical thing to say. But he said, yeah, sometimes I just like to lean back and look at all of the work I've done. like the, the, the, the Yeah. Messed up. I was like, Speaker 2: (22:27)Oh my Speaker 4: (22:28)Gosh, get me out of here. Right? Yeah. So like that kind of egotistical, narcissistic behavior absolutely. Repulses me. It disgusts me. Like complete, like any romantic feelings I had is like completely demolished at that point. I'm like, let's, ew. What a monster. Speaker 2: (22:46)Yeah. Let, and let's touch on that just for people who are listening and I, I've done some red flagged episodes and stuff, but for you, what, what are a few like deal breakers that seem narcissistic or abusive or just sign of a toxic person, right? We can label what we want, but at the end of the day, whatever toxic type of trait, what are a couple of those that stand out that you're just like, nope, Speaker 4: (23:11)Gaslighting. I know not everybody knows what that means, but someone who tries to create a scenario in which they try to make you feel like you're crazy or you don't know what you're talking about. Um, someone who you can't even disagree with without their claiming you're arguing, you know, or someone that is trying to make you think, you know, I I'm smart and educated enough to know what the going on. You know what I mean? Yes. Like, you ain't convincing me I'm nothing. I don't care who you are. Um, and, and I'm, I'm again ugly. I've been in healthy relationships where I can have, you know, these conversations right. With my boyfriend, my partner, and they're not doing that to me and they have a very healthy response. And so like, not having that healthy response is like, ugh, cringe. Yes. Get me outta here. Speaker 2: (23:53)It's such a turnoff now. Right? It is Speaker 4: (23:55)Disgusting. It is absolutely disgusting to me for somebody to try to, to do that to anybody really. Someone who's not self-aware, can't, can't do it. You know, I, I wonder like, that's why I ask, you know, when they about previous relationships and I wanna know how do they respond when I ask, well, what, you know, what do you think she'd say when people ask about you and her? Like what is she, what is her perception of the relationship? I love Speaker 2: (24:17)That. Speaker 4: (24:18)Because, you know, if they're only saying negative things, I mean, we all have neg I could say negative things about myself if I want to, but like, what would that person say were your issues. Mm-hmm. , what would the person say that made her feel bad or made her mad or triggered her? Like, what were your downfalls? You know? Yeah. Um, I love Speaker 2: (24:36)It. You got 'em up on that desk doing an interview, . Speaker 4: (24:39)Yeah. Well, and I learned that actually from, who was the girl that did singled out? Speaker 2: (24:45)Oh, Jenny McCarthy. Speaker 4: (24:46)I read a book of hers a long time ago, probably like 20 years ago. Yeah. And it was like a relationship book, but it was like a memoir, like kind of funny. But she talked about that and she said through her therapy she learned and that she, a guy friend was like complaining about his girlfriend and what she wasn't doing anymore, like, you know mm-hmm. , everything was on her. And she's like, okay, well, like cool. Now if I gave her the opportunity to vent about you, what would she say? You know, I love Speaker 2: (25:10)It. Speaker 4: (25:10)And yeah. And I was like, that's such a good way to reflect. And even on me, if I went to my ex-husband, my ex-partner, and I said, Hey, I want you to just have a vent session about me, what would you say? So even self-reflecting on that and thinking, what could they say? You know, what could I have done better? You know, what, what, what could they complain about me just to, to work on those things. Speaker 2: (25:33)Yeah. And it's not comfortable. Like none of us wanna sit there and like think about all our faults, but I think for those of us who have been through the work, who are self-aware, we're able to still do it anyway. And that is a difference. I mean, try to get a narcissist to, to talk about their faults. I mean Oh yeah. There'll be a red flag right away. They'll, they'll stutter or make a joke or something. There's no way they're gonna really pull Speaker 4: (25:59)That out. I asked one actually last few months. Yeah. Um, I asked somebody and he, when I asked, well, what, what would, what does she say? You know, I know you've said a lot and what, what does she, what does she say is the reason? Yeah. And he completely like, immediately, like just, he was like, oh, and I, of course she said, you know, whatever her things and, and that's it. He did not, he did not say what she says. So you didn't answer the question. I didn't say that, but I was like, that wasn't enough information for me to be like, no self-awareness, no ability to share. Speaker 2: (26:29)Yeah. You know, Speaker 4: (26:30)And, Speaker 2: (26:31)And a reminder, don't be afraid to ask these hard questions. Yeah. I know like you and I are perhaps bolder than some people, but give yourself permission. You know, like even if you're a more passive personality, you have to remember you are creating a new life for yourself after narcissistic abuse. And the only way you're gonna do that is by creating boundaries and setting standards for yourself. And, and these things can be part of that. So asking those hard questions, think of it as you could be saving yourself from a lot, a long time of pain or trying to figure something out when by these questions you can get a big peak under the hood . Right. Speaker 4: (27:11)Well, you know what in, Speaker 2: (27:12)What's in there? Speaker 4: (27:14)The difference too, when somebody has done work and their way they respond. So for example, my ex-boyfriend, uh, from college, I'll just, I'll call him D and uh, he said I could talk about him. We had, we, like I said, we didn't have a bad relationship. We had a really good relationship and we laugh about it all the time. We were together, like, we dated like three to four months mm-hmm. , but we were together every day cuz we worked together. We were together every day Yeah. For like, you know, 12 to almost 24 hours, you know, during that time for the span of three to four months. So I was like, even though we only dated three to four months, like that's a lot of time we spent together work, we got to know each other through work anyways. But when me and him talk about these conversations, and I'll ask him that about his previous, you know, longer term relationships and his responses are, that's a, that's a good question. And you know, I've reflected on that and I, what I did wrong. Mm. He's so comfortable. That's great. Answering those questions. He's already reflected on it. And if it is a question I've asked that he hasn't considered, same thing, God, that's a really good question. And then he'll answer it like, he has no discomfort. I love that. Sharing all those things as opposed to a man who's like, oh yeah. You know, just completely like, get me out. Speaker 2: (28:26)Well, of course she has her crazy narrative or her story, but Speaker 4: (28:30)Right, right, right, right. Yeah. It's so, it's, it's very different from a person who truly has done work and they can take a question like that. And it's not like triggering. It's like they appreciate like this really cool dialogue and reflection going on, reflecting on things. They're comfortable with it. And you know, usually people that have another work, they, they're not comfortable with it, but they're gonna escape that question fast. Speaker 2: (28:54)Yes. So, obviously we know this affects romantic relationships and for myself and my life, it has affected almost every other aspect of life. So, curious how this has affected maybe your friendships, if it's huge impact on my friendships, um, and just what I tolerated growing up versus now what do I tolerate and, uh, work life even just in day-to-day. Um, touch on how it's affected things outside of romance. Speaker 4: (29:22)I know back in college, I reached a point maybe somewhere midway in college. So leading up to that, of course you have your friends through elementary, middle school, high school. Unfortunately, you tolerate some things cuz you gotta see these people every day. Right. And sometimes it's better to keep someone close and keep them as an enemy. mm-hmm. . Um, but I reached a point where I completely no longer had anybody close to me who I could not trust around the man I was dating, who I could not trust around my money, my purse, who I could not trust to not just say bad to me, to a a friend. I introduced them to like someone who's trying to take my friends away or turn my friends against me, still my boyfriend. You know. And I had a lot of that for a long time. Not from a lot of friends, but mainly like one or a couple. Um, and I reached a piece even just from like relationship, like friendships I should say, um, for a long time. And I didn't come across another woman like that until, um, I was like 29, 30, something like that. And I recognized it immediately. Speaker 2: (30:28)No, don't, can't excuse it. Some people excuse it like, oh well she's insecure such a, I just don't care and I don't have time for that. Me neither. Like, we talk about it, Carol and I, we have phone conversations and she's one of my most uplifting friends and we have that dynamic and it feels so good. I've said to her, like, I just, I love our friendship because it's just like we're each other's cheerleaders and we wanna see each other rise. And, and that's how it should be. And some people just excu, there's a lot of jealous Speaker 4: (30:56)Yeah. Speaker 2: (30:57)Women who knock each other down out there. Mm-hmm. competitive and mm-hmm. . And it's just like, I, I don't get it. I just think it's gross. So, anyway. Speaker 4: (31:04)Well, and I think also something is, um, something like you and I have in common and also my other really close friendships. Um, and it's that even if something's going wrong, you know, even if you're struggling with something in your life, which I've, we've been friends long enough that you have, there are some things that you were struggling with and vice versa obviously is going through like, the most horrible breakup of my life. . Yeah. Um, but we never, and I knew, I never even had to worry about it. Like, felt jealous of one another, felt like I couldn't applaud you for anything great going on. It just like, for me, it's always inspiring to see great things happening for other people. Cause I'm like, that can happen for me. You know, like Right. I'm excited for you, especially considering the, you know, previous thing that's happened in your life and all my other friends. Speaker 4: (31:50)But it's also exciting cause it's just like, oh, it's like what the possibilities, right? Like that can happen for anybody. Yes. So, um, but yeah, there are those friends and I'm sure you've had 'em, that like, if things aren't going well in their life, like they don't want them going well in your life either. Oh yeah. And it's like, oh, like, you know, you can't even like, say anything and you can't be yourself anymore around them cuz you're like, okay. Like, I can tell they're just, they don't want, they don't, they're not happy to see things going well for me right now and that makes me uncomfortable and doesn't make me feel safe and secure around them. Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (32:19). And, and if they're triggered, you know, like that to me, you know, my, not my phrase I say all the time mm-hmm. , I overuse it and it might sound cold, but it's really just like, no, it's not mine to carry their triggers. And yes, I can have compassion, but if it's a pattern of somebody who is going to be jealous or whatever, like that's okay. But you can do that from a distance and you can go get help and therapy or whatever you gotta do to work through that. Because I don't wanna end up being like a punching bag for someone else's Speaker 4: (32:48)Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (32:50)Stuff. Like, I went and did the work and I got help for certain things that did trigger me. Right. Um, in my life. And I think it's, it's up to us, it's up, uh, to us to make the decision that we wanna do better instead of sitting in those feelings of envy or, you know, com competitiveness. It's like, well look deeper. Why is that mm-hmm. and, and work on it man, . Right. Speaker 4: (33:16)Exactly. I can't a lot indulge. Speaker 2: (33:18)Don't Speaker 4: (33:18)Wanna do that. Living in that space, living in that energy. You know, I've learned, and I know you've learned too, is being very particular spec or picky aware of your audience of who you're going to for advice. Because not everybody's qualified to give the advice for what you're looking for. Speaker 2: (33:35)Amen. And Speaker 4: (33:36)Or in or in the right energetic space to, to be able to give you like a positive, you steer you in the right direction. Cuz sometimes people are gonna give you advice from their own triggers. Mm. And it's like, oh, you know, so I've learned that too, of like, okay, they're not the one to go to to ask for advice about this. You know, I'm gonna go to the person that I know could give me really good advice on this. Yes. And then even and generally Speaker 2: (34:00)In a healthy mindset. Mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (34:02), you know, and, and I am so grateful and I know I've told you this and I've told some of my other really close friends, it's just like, God, thank you. You are home to me. I can come to you and never fear you're gonna be jealous or steer me in the wrong direction or not applaud, you know, things that are deserving. Um, or make me feel like I can't trust somebody. You know, I have a good amount of friends that I can go to for that, that are like ho that feels like home. I feel safe, I feel secure to give them a call, to spend time with them in person. It feels safe and secure. And once I recognize I'm not feeling that with someone, I'm listening, I'm like, Hmm, listen to this, listen to this. But like, listen to what you're feeling right now. Uh, there's something not energetically, you know, I can see it. I can feel . I'm like, no, I can feel that. And energy is really strong. And so I've learned that, yeah. I've been right about things that I've sensed. I've, you know, and it's come to fruition that certain energies, like they don't want the best for me. So, um, now I'm trusting that and I'm leaning in more and just really appreciating that at least I have people I can trust. Like, thank God. Like, I just, it helps me not feel alone. Speaker 2: (35:14)Yes. And Speaker 4: (35:14)You in in that Speaker 2: (35:16)You are should thank yourself too. And I, I've done that with myself. Like, yes, I'm so blessed, but I also took a while to get here where, like you said, I trust myself, my intuition, I'm, I've created an environment of safe people around me and mm-hmm. , I love that you use the word safe. Often people think of safe as like, not in harm's way physically or whatever. And I think it's important to remember safety is like that feeling of home and comfort and almost predictability in a way, right? Because with narcissists you get that unpredictability. You don't know what's coming through the door, you know, or by the hour you just don't know. It's this unsettled, unsafe feeling. And I think it's so important. I love that you said that surrounding ourselves with safe friends, it's really important. And I think that's a great word to remember for people listening. Speaker 2: (36:07)If you're, you know, just starting your healing journey and you're moving forward trying to recreate your life with healthy relationships all around, tap in with yourself and does this person feel safe? Mm-hmm. A a constant safe, right? Yeah. Not just up and down. Like one day you feel like, oh yeah, they love me. Oh my God, they're protecting me. They must love me. And, and then the next day they're not. Right? Mm-hmm. , it's like consistent, safe behavior. So yes. Mm-hmm. . I love that. What do you recommend people do who are at the start of diving into and understanding navigating narcissism? Because a lot of people come in here, right? On my podcast, like, okay, I wanna learn more. Like, what, what do you recommend? Speaker 4: (36:52)Well, I'm assuming they're, they're looking into it because maybe a breakup, they're reflecting, they're healing, they're wanting to heal something. They're, maybe they're recognizing there's something they wanna change. Like you said, confidence. Yes. Because if someone doesn't feel confident in their abilities to live without the job, to live without the man, the woman mm-hmm. , you know, the family member or whatever. If you don't have that confidence, well then, yeah, you are scared to leave. Cuz you're thinking, well, what am I going to do? Exactly. So if they're at the very beginning, then work on your self-talk and work on your affirmations and work on building your self-confidence up study. Do what you need to do so you feel like, Hey, I'm valuable. I'm getting to the point where you're so confident and it's not cocky, it's just confident. Oh, and those are self up. That's Speaker 2: (37:37)Our society, man. Gosh. Mm-hmm. , you say one positive thing about yourself or you share too much, people view you as overconfident or cocky and it's like, no, guess what I've learned. And that's, I think a lot of those are unhealed people. Because I will tell you, when I really went through my healing and learned, no, I'm not saying I'm better than X, y, z this person, it's, I am just as worthy as anybody else and I am as beautiful as anybody else. Right. And even to say that out loud, I'm like, oh, someone's gonna cringe out there listening to me say I'm beautiful. Right. . But we all, I mean, we are all these things and so many of us, especially women, and I'm not gonna say it's just women, but in general in our society, we have this dynamic of we are not really supposed to have pride and, and confidence in ourselves. Speaker 2: (38:35)And I know we're working on it as a society, I see the empowerment and self-care, like we're kind of getting there, but it's, it's still not where it should be. Um, and that's something I work on with clients, right? When we start working together, it's building that confidence by doing, we, we do like kind of an evaluation, um, of what's working and what's not. And digging deep. We don't sit and wallow in all of that, but like, we start off there because we have to see, well, where are we starting from and where do we wanna get? And then working with those tools to help build the confidence, the affirmations releasing. And we've done energy work, Carol and I like with yin yoga and reiki and all sorts of stuff, releasing that negative energy and you create space for all the good stuff, you know? Speaker 2: (39:21)And it's, it's such an amazing journey. I mean, to put silver lining on a horrible situation, I'm, I'm not grateful for what I went through, but it totally created who I am. And without it, I wouldn't, I don't think I'd be thriving and able to help the women as quickly and accelerate as I can because of what I've gone through and how I've healed in my journey, you know? So mm-hmm. , and I know, you know, you've had a journey too, and you talk about thriving, you know, I love that word. Carol is man, the epitome of thriving. To watch a single mom with two amazing boys, kicking at your business. And oh, you're just such an amazing human and I'm so glad we got connected to begin with, let's say. I don't know, it was like, at least it was like a decade ago, right? Um, Speaker 4: (40:13)It was a while back. Yeah. Yeah. What a blessing. Yeah. And I remember I used to watch your, your whiny Wednesdays and I had such a, I just loved you. I never would've thought that we'd like, somehow, I don't even know how we came friends, but , Speaker 2: (40:25)I remember, I was trying to think of that the other day. I was like, it was probably something makeup, we both did makeup videos on YouTube at the time too. Speaker 4: (40:32)Yeah. It's so, and you're like so funny and so bold and also so loving and caring and supportive and it's, oh, thank God. You know, just, it's so nice to have women like you that I've been able to meet and, and like, God, thank God I had you too after that breakup. Oh my God. Like, you know, I forget when I go back and, and remember mm-hmm. Like all the phone calls, the sessions we had, I mean, we were like meeting every week. Yeah. And I was like working on things every week. And that was the first time I'd ever faced all these dramas and wounds and stuff I needed to heal. Speaker 2: (41:13)And, and the key is though, you were ready. That was rush. You were ready though. And that's, um, you know, if you, whoever's listening out there, if you're in the beginning of this journey, you have to say, am I ready to have peace? Am I ready to be truly happy? Because until you decide to be ready, it's gonna be a way bearer struggle when you surrender and say, I'm gonna do whatever I have to do now because I just can't live like this anymore. And I want peace and I want calm and I want these things. They're talking about you. You have to make the decision to say, okay, it's time, it's go time. I said that to God. I remember having a prayer, I was like, God, I am ready. Like, bring it, please. You know? Mm-hmm. , you have to really just, Speaker 4: (41:54)Yeah. Well, and my whole life changed. My, my my routine changed. Yes. You know, for the first time I actually started prioritizing meditating and facing those things and like self-care and exercise and water and like the, you know, yoga every night. Like, just, just reflecting, like doing all those things that like I didn't prioritize it before and I've always been really busy and now it's a priority. Now someone's like, oh, can you do a meeting at this time? I'm like, mm. I'm still running at that time. . Right. You know, like, no, I'm, I'm barely getting back from my workout at that time, you know? Yes. Now it's like, I'm like, no, I'm not just saying like, oh you wanna do 7:00 AM No, because at 7:00 AM I'm working out, you know? Mm-hmm. . So Speaker 2: (42:35)Yeah. There's no excuses. And that's, yeah. Look, I can vouch, I could say I'm busy all I want, but that's me. I can vouch Carol is a busy, busy woman, right? . And she creates the time and I'm all about creating the time. We waste a lot of time. And you can create that intentional time to make sure you're putting yourself as a priority in your own life. I mean, it's pretty simple. Mm-hmm. , but a lot of us don't, don't do it. Don't worry. Speaker 4: (43:01)Yeah. I wasn't, I wasn't prioritizing those things. And once I started prioritizing them and I remember you telling me like, Hey, you need to spend a night or something where you're not booking anything that day. No, but meditating and I spent the whole weekend meditating. I did a, a yoga sound bowl on like a Friday night, which was amazing. And then Saturday and Sunday I booked nothing but just meditating self-care. Like that's it. It was like, I'm just gonna do this and I'm not gonna schedule anything. Cuz like you said, I always had some appointment in the back of my head. Yeah. Like, where's this gonna end? You know, like, Speaker 2: (43:34)No, you have to give yourself, Speaker 4: (43:36)That's, I have to give myself time. And it's actually pretty exhausting doing that too. Like you, it's like, it's like recovering from like reflecting and like working on that stuff. It's very draining. It's emotionally draining and so it's not easy to go through, especially when you have a full plate. But it's doable, but so worth Speaker 2: (43:54)It. So rewarding. Speaker 4: (43:55)Right. So worth it. So rewarding. So glad I did it sucked. But yes. Speaker 2: (44:01)It's so rewarding. You, you're one, you're like the perfect client because you, you listen, take the advice and even the hard stuff, like even spending that time and when you really wanna go be running around town and doing all the things, you took the time in the space. And so you, it's great to watch you reap the rewards. You know, we could, we could talk forever and ever. I'm sure I'll have Carol on again cuz I just enjoy you so much and you're so wise and uplifting and just such a reminder of how you can go from surviving or figuring things out, navigating to thriving, you know, and it's, it's awesome to watch. So mm-hmm , where can we find you in your marketing? Geniusness? Is that a word? Um, on social media? Are you I think yes. Being on Instagram, so Speaker 4: (44:53)Of course Facebook, Instagram. I just re restructured my TikTok cuz I lost it for a little bit. So I have nothing on TikTok anymore, but I'm about to start it. So Carol Lorraine is, they can find me if you just put that there. That's all my social media is. But yeah, my business account is sizzling marketing group on Instagram. Yes. My personal account, as you know, is the Caroline in the city, uh, which is linked. If you go to that Instagram account everywhere, you know, you'll just see Carol Lorraine if you just like Google that, they'll find me on LinkedIn and Speaker 2: (45:22)Yeah. And I can link it. Yeah, I'll link it in the show notes as well. So you can find our lovely Carol if you need any marketing assistance. But also she's just so fun to watch on like, on Instagram I joked saying, I think I see on there cuz like I stalk her on there. She has such fun reels and just, she's so open and she's just awesome to follow. So go follow her regardless. And if you want to work with me, do some coaching, dig deeper and want that accountability and support, um, I will link my website. It's www.christyjade.com. There's a work with me section, but I'll also link it. Everything's always in the show notes. Um, but thank you so much for taking the time out today of your busy schedule and helping. I mean, these conversations are helpful, so thank you so much. Mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (46:12). Well, yeah, and if anybody does come from, from this podcast to my social media, leave me a comment and let me know you came from the, the podcast. That'd be helpful. Speaker 2: (46:20)Oh yeah, that's, Speaker 4: (46:21)Yeah, I mean, it's all, I love connecting and actually seeing the face or the people. Speaker 2: (46:25)Yes. I love that. Mm-hmm. . All right, well, we will be back at some point talking about something else because I just feel that in my soul. But, um, mm-hmm. , you all have a wonderful day and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so you get all the notifications and remember, you are awesome. You're amazing, and you deserve the best. All right. Love you guys. Bye. Speaker 5: (46:46)Bye.

Ep 29 | The One Narcissistic Abuse Wound That You Need to Heal NOW

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We know that Narcissists can leave some damage, but let's talk about the one that needs to get attention right now! Listen in to todays' episode for more...
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Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Good morning, good afternoon, or goodnight, wherever you are. Hello, I'm so glad you joined me. And today I have a special episode talking about a wound, a narcissistic wound, of course, that people don't really talk about. And maybe it's not so obvious, even though I would say a hundred percent of us have. So stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:20)We have talked about effects of narcissistic abuse. There are many, many, many of them. And in today's episode, we're gonna talk about the one that pretty much everybody has. I've had it, all my clients have it. It's something that's underlying and it's something that we have to maintain because of the level of narcissistic abuse and what it does to our mind, body, and dang soul, okay? It is chronic fatigue. When you have been exposed to narcissistic abuse, your nervous system, it gets stuck. You are stuck in that survival mode. You're always walking around on eggshells, right? You're hyper aware of everything going on around you, and you know you're listening, you're looking, your senses are always heightened in your environment to protect yourself and stay safe. I can remember back when I was going through narcissistic abuse, especially the physical abuse, just that fear of what's on the other side of the door. Speaker 1: (02:21)Do I need to protect myself? And it's just that fight flight fawn, whatever mode you go into, but you're always on. Every part of you is just always on. I mean, that sounds tiring enough. But what happens is when you are on that, you're running on adrenaline, you're running on cortisol, you're running on these stress hormones, right? So once you disconnect, once this person isn't in your daily life, once, you're not having to have that protection and that armor on so tight, there's no longer this constant dependency on stress, right? And those hormones that it actually will cause fatigue. I was kind of thinking about it in comparison. I mean, it's kind of off, but you'll get my comparison. I like analogy. So here we go. So I was comparing it to when I was like so focused, and you all can probably relate when you're so focused on studying for finals or some huge test. Speaker 1: (03:21)But let's do finals, because usually that's multiple classes. You know, it can be a couple of weeks of really preparing. Or if you're like me, a procrastinator, maybe a couple days and, but you're thrown into something, maybe pulling all nighters, putting your own self-care aside, over stuffing that brain. But imagine that times a million with trauma and abuse thrown into it and needing to stay safe during that time, which is often way more time than the time you would spend to prepare for a final, right? For a lot of us, it was years, decades of abuse that was embedded in our daily life. So that is why so many of my clients come to me after they disconnect from a narcissist, and they're like, now what? Right? We're so acclimated and our body physically is acclimated to this type of lifestyle. So here we are going, okay, now what? Speaker 1: (04:16)You literally have no idea really what to do, where to start, your body, your mind, everything's just been shaken up, flipped upside down. Sure, there may be relief, of course, but there's a whole identity of yourself that you are losing, and part of that identity is constant stress in your mind and your physical body, right? So that seems like, oh, that would be, that would be great, right? And it is great, but it's also when any big changes happen that can lead to exhaustion and just different chemicals, hormones, you know, changing and having to recalibrate. So that leads us to the what now. And that what now goes beyond one podcast episode and is what I do with my clients, help them heal, find peace, find freedom. But let's get to the basics, right? Just to start out, first of all, you need sleep, rest, your body needs rest, your mind needs rest, sleep is great. Speaker 1: (05:14)But if rest is all you can get at the moment, we're still going through healing, we're gonna still have ruminating thoughts, but rest is so, so important. Like a queen bear in winter. Okay? You're gonna be a queen bear. This is your order. You need to get that rest. Now, one week of good sleep, that's, that's not gonna do the healing. That's not everything you need to do. So this is something where if you want change, you truly want peace in your life, you want to find that calm, you wanna find that balance, you are going to have to make changes in your routines, right? So I'm not gonna overwhelm you, and we're gonna get to this in a second. We're gonna do this in like little baby bits, so stay with me here. But we're gonna get into a pattern of at least trying to be able to get sleep here and there maybe once a week if you can, sleeping in. Speaker 1: (06:00)And we'll get into how to do that because I know a lot of us live busy lives, we're parents, all of that. But the other things that we need to do, and we're gonna do these one at a time, okay? So just stay with me. I'm saying this because I know how overwhelming it is in the beginning, and this is why it's great to have support and whatever, but I'm here trying to at least give you some bits and tips that you can take with you. And they may seem simple, but I'm telling you, they will be life changing if you can implement them one by one, and the order in which you wanna do it is up to you. So nourishing your body with healthy foods. Yeah, talking about the fruits and veggies, like this is simple stuff. But sometimes when we are so overwhelmed or exhausted, it's easy to reach for the takeout or the pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:51)I mean, what I'm human. So really making an effort to eat healthy, taking supplements if you need to, like go get your physical girl, go see what you need in that body getting out. Nature is another thing. Having alone time and not, I mean, alone time is super important for this healing process, but also it is important to connect and kind of regain trust in people, which can take some time, right? Depending on your situation. But even getting out with new people, uplifting people. And I have episodes on that. I have some friendship episodes and you can find, but there's, and this is also actually a really great time to keep on decluttering the people who are mistreating you or dragging you down. So it's like, while we're at it, let's, let's keep on a roll here, because you are protecting your peace and odds are if you've tolerated from one person, you've tolerated from multiple people. Speaker 1: (07:45)So again, this is a one, one piece at a time journey, but that might be something for me, that was one of the first things I did was also say, okay, what other people are in my life? Maybe I can't disconnect like so black and white yet, but who do I probably need to distance from now that I realize I'm getting mistreated by more than one person and I've tolerated a type of behavior because I was raised to accept this behavior and now I'm realizing I don't like that, I don't like that feeling. I don't like to be controlled, I don't like to have to walk on eggshells. So that is also an option at this time. Again, the order of this and the frequency or speed of this is up to you and your path. It is always helpful to have someone along for the ride. Speaker 1: (08:33)Like I said, and you guys probably know if you've been listening, I had my own therapist, I had a coach, both narcissistic, knowledgeable . So I do always say that even if it's a therapist you go to, I would love you to go to someone who actually has dealt with a narcissist in their own life. Um, that's just my personal suggestion. So it's not easy, you know, disconnecting from narcissist, period. It's not easy healing, it's not easy trying to create a new support system around you, right? It's not easy. But these truly are things you have to do to heal and clear space for that peaceful, joyful life that I promise you can have. And look, this, this crap is overwhelming as it is, right? I do not wanna overwhelm you. So remember, start with one thing. What is one thing you can change in your daily life to start healing? Speaker 1: (09:31)Don't overwhelm yourself. Like what seems the easiest to you? Is it just changing your diet, drinking more water? Is it cutting out the friend who always complains? Maybe there's just a coworker that maybe you could, they're just really up in your, texting you, complaining, whatever. Maybe it's shifting that relationship. You can do things slowly and on your own timetable, but the the trick is getting closer and closer to a peaceful life. Okay? So, and maybe that is getting out in nature every day for a certain amount of time. Maybe it is asking for help from a parent of yours, maybe a friend. If you're, let's say you're a single mother and you know, all this has just happened and you're exhausted, ask somebody for help and say, can you come over so I can take a two hour nap every Saturday for a little bit, right? Speaker 1: (10:23)There are ways to ask for help. I know it's hard, but you're worth it and you do deserve it. And after you implement one thing, sparkle by sparkle, I like to call it , your first sparkle in your life. Once you've got that going a little bit and you're feeling a little better in that area, add another. So once you're getting a little more sleep, you've got a rhythm, then maybe throw a little broccoli down your ch you get my point. So it's one by one. It, it doesn't have to be so hard, doesn't have to be so heavy and you don't have to do it alone. So I am here if you would like to work with me. All my information is always in the show notes, aka a podcast description on any platform that you're listening to. It will be there. I will leave my information on how to work with me. Speaker 1: (11:08)That link, I will leave my email if you have questions or you can feel free to email me. I have a free Facebook group that's a nice support group for narcissistic abuse victims. It's a women's only group. And before I go, I want to remind you, you are beautiful. You are strong af for helping yourself get out of a toxic situation. And even if you're in it and you're listening to this and you're wanting more for yourself, that's a first step. And be proud of even that, okay? It's hard. These are very hard situations. This is not for the faint of heart. And you can do this. You can do this. All right, I will see you in the next episode. I have a special guest, my client and friend Carol Lorraine, chatting about her experience with narcissistic abuse. We have a really great conversation, so make sure to hit subscribe. You do not wanna miss this episode. Smooches and Doses.

Ep 28 | 5 Ways to STOP Obsessive Thoughts After Narcissistic Abuse

Top 3% in podcasts globally
Obsessive thoughts got ya down? Listen in on this week's episode for 5 ways to stop your ruminating thoughts after narcissistic abuse
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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Let's connect on social media!
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Oh my Queens. This one's a hard one. These obsessive thoughts. I have so many clients come to me with this. I went through this. I remember not being able to concentrate at work. Literally having to go to the bathroom and be like, okay, get it together. Focus, because of my narcissistic situation inside of it. And even after we disconnected, it almost became worse in a different way, even though I was actually the one who broke it off with the narcissist. So cozy up, get a little drink, let's hang out. Let's talk about how to stop these obsessive thoughts, how to help stop them. We can't stop them immediately right away, but there are a lot of ways to do that. Also, the podcast episode before this is more about why we have these obsessive thoughts, especially after a narcissistic, abusive situation. So check that out either now or, or save it and listen to it later. Stay tuned for five glorious ways to help us with these obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (01:06)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (02:03)All right? So first of all, remember, give yourself grace and patience with this process. Nothing is overnight, but it is possible to undo this damage and find peace and freedom from narcissistic abuse. So the first thing I'm gonna say, and this is one that helped me earlier on in the journey, especially when I had to just get out of my head immediately, and that is changing your environment. And it sounds simple, but you've gotta stir up that motivation to do it. First of all, you can't do it without doing it, but change your environment. I would literally go outside, like I said, even if I was at work, if I couldn't get outta my head, I would be like, all right. Hmm. Taking a little elevator ride down to the first floor and going outside, just shaking it off, saying, you know, saying hi to people, even in the lobby of my office, whatever, kind of distracted my brain a little bit to break the the cycle. Speaker 1: (02:59)So changing your actual environment, especially if you have time, you can go and hang out in nature. You can go for a run, pick up the phone, call a friend. Don't talk about the narc though. You've gotta make decisions and choices too, right? So change your environment and change. Change the thoughts, right? Like decide to talk about something else. If you are going to call someone or watch a funny show, like I said, get out, go to a store. I feel like it's a lot easier to get into our heads and really spiral down if we are sitting in our home alone in a quiet space, right? And over time we will have to find other coping mechanisms. But in the very beginning, that was something super helpful and it's something I still use today. I mean, in general with life stresses, that is one of my go-to things, is to get outside, do something healthier than sitting in my little brain full of crazy thoughts. Speaker 1: (03:58)Okay, number two, practicing mindfulness. If you've been following me, you know, I'm a big fan for a reason of all the meditation, yin yoga specifically. Um, it's a practice that involves paying attention to the present moment, right? So by focusing on the present moment, you may be able to reduce the power of those intrusive thoughts related to the past abuse or current abuse. You may be listening to this if you are currently in this situation as well. So I'm trying to address everybody. Um, mindfulness practices can include the meditation, deep breathing, you know, breath work and yoga. Number three is using grounding techniques. So these can help you feel more connected again to the present moment and less overwhelmed by those thoughts. Some of these include breath work, right? It's the same sort of thing. It's it's mindfulness, but it also is a physical activity that's going to ground you focusing on physical sensations. Speaker 1: (05:01)And I do this and talk about this with my clients. I even do this with my eight year old daughter. When she's a little, she gets a little anxiety, especially, she's kind of a perfectionist. Anybody relate, anyone have perfectionism or kids that have perfectionism? Um, so sometimes with her schoolwork, I mean literally if she gets below a 90%, she, she gets a little anxious. So in the moment we do the sensory activities, which is like I do something like, okay, find something, a red something that's the color red in the room. And then I want you to shut your eyes and smell. Is there any smell you can pick up? Then we do something with touch, maybe like find a very soft texture in the room or maybe find a, you know, more rough texture. Um, then one of my favorites is because there's always some sort of noise, even if it's some sort of room noise or a fan or birds chirping, shutting your eyes. Speaker 1: (06:02)And I like to say find two sounds cuz there's usually more than one. And you can do this and you can repeat this and change it. You know, you can then look for something the color teal, like make it a little tricky. Um, but that is a grounding technique that I really like, um, for any situation. But it does help you get out of that ruminating thought process as well. Number four, self care. If you know me, can you hear my snap? Yes, I'm snapping with excitement. I love self-care, but taking care of yourself can help you feel more empowered and less overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts. So activities of self-care can include exercise. This is an amazing one. This is why running and for me it's dancing. I love dance. Um, it's so therapeutic. You literally are forced to kind of get outta your mind and be paying attention to what you're doing. Speaker 1: (07:02)It's hard to think as deeply and ruminating while you are engaged in physical activity. So that's a huge one for me. Again, spending time in nature is taking care of yourself, like getting that sitting in gratitude in nature too, right? Like gratitude is so important in self-care because, and I, and I do practices not just what I'm grateful for and I pray I'm a big God lady. Um, I pray and thank God, but I also practice gratitude for the things I have done. So it could be, what are five things you're proud of this week, right? So that's your homework. I'm sticking homework in today. I want you to email me and my email's always in the show notes, but it's fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com. I want you to just email me just two. We're gonna start easy cuz I know this is hard when you're coming out of abuse, I want you to say two things. Speaker 1: (07:59)You're grateful for that you did, you accomplished your wins. Okay? So email me that this week. Um, so definitely the gratitude, sitting in nature and engaging in any hobbies you enjoy. What's something maybe you couldn't do anymore? Maybe you were in a narcissistic situation where you were being controlled or you were having to live for somebody else. You forgot who the hell you were. We're gonna remind you. That's what I'm here for. I'm here for you 2.0, that's my jam, right? Ask any of my clients. Um, we want that 2.0 you that's like, yes, I am a queen, I know I'm a queen. Even if you don't feel like that right now, you are going to, if you work with me, oh, you're gonna feel like a queen lady. And what, where did you lose yourself? What ha what haven't you done that you loved to do years ago? Speaker 1: (08:50)Or maybe just always thought, God, I would love to paint or I would love to knit, or I would love to cook like more, you know, from scratch or bake more, whatever it is. There's so many freaking hobbies, photography and there's group courses where you can meet people. So that's another really good way to nourish and self care. So think about is there a class you can sign up for now that it's just you and you get to decide to live for just you, you don't have to worry about someone else and walking on eggshells, what can you do? And despite, maybe it wasn't a romantic situation or one that had that much control, maybe it was a sibling or a parent that you didn't live with, but just the dynamic of growing up with that, even in your childhood, you have a different way about you where you can develop people pleasing mentality, right? Speaker 1: (09:49)So let's please ourselves. Okay, that's a whole other episode. that came out wrong. No, but you know what I mean. What can you do for you now? So also this week try to think about what, what hobby can you pick up? Maybe you can join a class. I've gotten emails recently, uh, multiple people saying I inspired them to start doing more for themselves. And that makes me so happy. Keep it up. What can you do for you? Sign up for a yoga class. Sign up for a dance class. I'm gonna be starting in end of June. I am going to be doing a hip hop dance class that actually has a performance at the end of the session. Do you know how queen? I feel , I'm a queen. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I've done hip hop dance since I was 14 and there were years I did not do that. Speaker 1: (10:43)And now I get to get back to it and I am so excited. So yes, so make that part of your to-do list this week. Um, find something where you can really self-care and that includes finding something that you have lost or you never had but have been interested in doing. All right, number five, uh, seek support. I would not be here today without the support of somebody who went through narcissistic abuse. I repeat again, I don't care if it's a therapist, I don't care if it's a life coach like yours truly, or a support group. Make sure it is somebody who has gone through it. I cannot emphasize that enough. I first went to a therapist that said they knew about narcissistic abuse. I was so excited. I said, oh good. I don't know. I don't think everyone knows about it. Uh, we were on session one and it was horrendous. Speaker 1: (11:48)It just, it was not a match. And I said, have you been through narcissistic abuse? And he said, no, but I've studied it. And I said, well, I think you need to study it more. Which I mean, probably wasn't the best answer, but I'm feisty Christy, what can I say? Um, I was like, there needs to be a little more studying there because what he actually recommended for me was detrimental. And I knew that I'm very self-aware. I, I dig a lot, I research a lot and I knew what he was telling me to do was not enough and could even be detrimental. So I encourage you to find someone who is familiar but not just familiar, but has gone through this type of abuse. Specifically. I, that being said, in therapy you can do cognitive behavioral therapy and emdr, which stands for eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing. Speaker 1: (12:40)So those are successful things that you can do through therapy. Again, I do suggest doing them with someone who is very familiar with an narcissistic abuse and has experienced themselves. Or some of my, actually a lot of my clients are doing therapy like that and then have me wor are working with me to kind of make up for what their therapist isn't as experienced in. So the therapist might have that emdr, which they can do and they know which, um, thoughts to help work through. But then as far as the narcissistic abuse, specifically, my clients will be working with me to work through that stuff, right? And I do tapping and other, other therapies that can also help people through rewiring those thoughts. So if you do want to truly accelerate your healing path, this is my specialty, I'm running a half off coaching for the month of May. Speaker 1: (13:36)If you sign up in May, that means you are grandfathered into this pricing for the, you know, if you buy a package of one month, three months, six months, whatever a year to party it up with me, whatever it is, you are grandfathered into half off of that price, which is, I have not done that before and I'm really excited I'm here for it, but I am only doing it for two clients because just I, I do have to profit in my business. So this is really, really a good value. Um, and I put a lot into my coaching. You can ask any of my clients. I have testimonials. Um, I'm in the weeds with you. I am in there and in between sessions we do check-ins and I really, really care. And you are not just a number to me. You are a person and I want you to succeed. Speaker 1: (14:23)So I'm in it, I'm really, really in it. So you're gonna get a lot of value. So you can sign up in my show notes, there will be a link there, um, to schedule your first call. And don't forget, I also have an epic free meditation if you have not got it. It is a four minute mood boosting meditation you are going to love that is in the show notes as well. So I would love to work with you though. Um, any questions, always feel free to email me and I can't wait to help you find peace. You deserve it. So remember again that this healing is a process. It's gonna take time, but be patient kind to yourself as you work through this experience. Remember, you are amazing. You are smart as hell, and you deserve to have a calm and joyful mind. So don't forget to subscribe. See you in the next episode.

Ep 27 | Having Obsessive Thoughts About a Narcissist? 4 Reasons You Can’t Stop

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Do you have obsessive thoughts about a narcissist in your life? In today's episode I share 4 reasons you can't stop thinking about them or the situation. 
Work with me for onlly $97 for the month of May!
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Join my free facebook group here:
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EPISODES MENTIONED:
What is GASLIGHTING? (ep 23)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-23-what-is-gaslighting-the-narcissists-favorite-8/id1662241353?i=1000610540022
The Cycle of Abuse: (ep 6)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-6-the-cycle-of-abuse-and-how-to-avoid/id1662241353?i=1000596278747
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. On today's episode, we are going to talk about all of those nasty, annoying sleep, disturbing stomach ache, causing obsessive thoughts we have over the narcs in our lives. Why can't we stop thinking about them? Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:19)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:17)So I have had more than five clients recently talk about how disruptive the thoughts are, even after disconnection, even when you're out of the relationship. What is going on that I'm still obsessing, I'm still thinking about whether it's the narcissist, the relationship, what they did wrong. There are all of these obsessive thoughts. So let's dive into the why today, and then we're also gonna talk about how to help those thoughts in the next episode. So narcissists tend to target empaths and people who are more thoughtful by nature, right? They're easier targets, lucky us. Woo. So as those types of personalities, we tend to overthink as it is, then you throw in a manipulative narcissist who knows how to create a co-dependent situation with us. If and when we get strong enough to finally get out, which congratulations, by the way, our brain will still be stuck there for a while. Speaker 1: (02:19)And this is normal. This is normal in our situation, okay? For us who we are, and this situation, it's normal. Our brains really want to fix any problem. A lot of us can be people pleasers or we're so trained to please a certain person that our brain wants to fix any problem immediately because we are set up where we feel like, especially in narcissistic, abusive situations, if we don't fix the problem, it's gonna become a bigger problem. We are going to get emotionally or physically abused, right? This is how our brain is set up. So it is very normal for us to want to fix all the problems. So if we can't figure something out, our brain is going to ruminate, ruminate, ruminate. And with narcissist, it's usually a situation that cannot be fixed without disconnecting from them entirely, right? So if you are in the situation, it's even harder because truly living with a narc, you're going to always have these problems. Speaker 1: (03:21)They're always going to to create this dynamic. When you are disconnected, that's great, that's a huge step forward. But there still is work to be done because your brain is set up this way. So it's still trying to problem solve all the time, and it's trying to figure things out. But why do narcissists tend to make the obsession unbearable like it is? Because they've set up this codependent situation. This means they're already creating a relationship with us that is obsessive by nature. They confuse us, which leads us to having to spend more time trying to figure them out, trying to figure our relationship out or our, you know, past relationship with them out, like what just happened. That's a very common thing to feel when you get on the other side. You are like, what just happened to my life, right? Trying to figure out what is wrong with us. Speaker 1: (04:13)By the way, it's nothing. You're a fly queen, okay? We'll get there. That's another episode. Trying to figure out if we should stay or go or why we didn't leave earlier, or how it affects us and has damaged us or our children, right? There's a lot of figuring out. So they are so strategic, they know exactly how to make sure they stay on our mind and have control of us and our minds, even when we leave, even when we are apart. So they're still in there. The longer you've been with a narcissist, the harder it may feel to get out of these thoughts. But girl, I promise it is possible. Okay? So keep that hope up. All right. Now let's dive into how they do this specifically. So, so if you've been doing your research, you may know what gaslighting is. I have a whole episode on it. Speaker 1: (05:01)You may want, if you don't know what it is, you may want to also listen to that episode. I think it's episode 23. I will put that in my show notes. If you're like, what are show notes, Christy. , just go to wherever, whatever platform you're playing this on, right underneath, if you click, there should be information about each and every episode that has all my information, how to contact me, any pertinent information that I talk about during the episode, like this, you know, I'm talking about another episode you may want to reference. All of that good stuff is in every single episode's, show notes, they're all, they all have their own separate show note page on whatever, um, platform you are on. Okay? So back to gaslighting. So if you don't know what gaslighting is it, go watch that episode. But gaslighting is something they do that it really makes us feel crazy and wonder if we are in the wrong and one makes us wonder, are we causing the problem? Speaker 1: (05:59)So this leads to more obsessive thoughts to try to figure these things out. They also give us the silent treatment. This is something, ooh, they love a good silent treatment to control you when they're not communicating. This leads us to trying to get into their heads to figure out what they are thinking. Again, obsessive thoughts and all a part of their big nasty plan to keep control over our minds and our hearts, which it's worked. But if you're out, you broke through again, congrats. But these are things that have created the dynamic. So if you're wondering, how did I get like this? Why am I so obsessed? There's all of these parts play a part into it. Narcissists also play hot and cold games. We call it the yo-Yo, right? They are known for sucking you in, in the beginning with making you feel special, making you feel so alive and like you're the best thing since sliced bread or pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:59)But I'm, I'm a little biased. As soon as you get sucked in, they will start yo-yoing, you creating conflict, being abusive, lying, gas, lighting, cheating, name calling. Maybe the physical abuse starts earlier on it, it usually kind of graduates to getting worse. But even in that very first start of the cycle, right? There's a cycle of abuse where, and I have an episode on that I will link, um, but it starts out all the, like, this is your dream life and it's just this honeymoon, but it's beyond honeymoon usually it's usually a little more, um, they're laying it on a little thicker, really whining and dining and making you feel special and the complimenting all that. Then the yo-yo starts in where they start mistreating you, but you are already kind of sucked in and then it, it's just the cycle that continues, right? They suck you in, they spit you out, they suck you in, they spit you out and spit you out. Speaker 1: (07:54)Meaning the abuse, the lying, the shaming, all of the above, right? So imagine what your brain goes through, right? They're creating this conflict and then making it up to you. And they're princes charming. So they'll buy gifts, make promises, give those compliments. That is the cycle. And that my queens will enhance those obsessive thoughts because it's so confusing and it's involving your heart and your mind and your spirit. It's involving every single part of you creating this dynamic. So of course, of course this is going to be very difficult once you get out. So there are reasons we can get so obsessive in general, even after we have disconnected. That's why it can be so hard for us to escape. And often we can get sucked back in to the unhealthy situation a lot easier with them than someone else who does not create this codependent dynamic, right? Speaker 1: (08:52)A healthier person, let's say when you have a breakup with a healthy individual, it can be hard, but narcissists will make it a thousand times harder. And that dynamic we already have will create it to be more challenging. But again, that doesn't mean we can't do it. I've done it and have helped many clients through this. It is possible. It is possible. And if you would like to work one-on-one with me to get support that is needed on a journey like this, I am offering half off my coaching for the month of May. You'll, so you'll be grandfathered into this pricing for the remainder of your package. So whether you sign up for a month, three months, six months, a year of this mamma, Jamma, Christy, whatever it is, you will be grandfathered in to this pricing that will go up. So I only have two more spots for clients because this summer I am going to take it down a notch so I can enjoy this summer with my daughter. Speaker 1: (09:51)So I will be having, taking on less clients. So I have two more spots open. So go check the show notes for that link to sign up. It will give you the, the app pricing cuz you're a queen. And I just, I can't wait to help more women find peace. Like this is my jam. I'm so excited. So don't forget. Also, I have a free, amazing four minute meditation for you that is in the show notes. That's really cool. So go check that out. It's like a morning mood boost and it's literally four minutes. Everyone has four minutes in the morning, everyone, even the president of the United States. Do you think he wants my mood boost? Should I send him, should I send him my freebie ? Okay, so remember that healing from abuse is a process and it may take time to reduce the intensity of the obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (10:41)So be patient and kind to yourself. There's no magic pill, it's gonna do it overnight. But next episode, I will have a few techniques on how I have worked through this in my life and how my clients work through theirs. And we all use different tools. There's a bunch of tools you get to, you know, kind of customize how you want to do it, but there are a lot of tools to work through it and they are successful. So be patient and hopeful. . And remember, you are beautiful. I mean like Superfly, and you are worthy of uplifting and peaceful thoughts. So let's break this cycle. I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe so you get notification for it. Have a wonderful day.

Ep 26 | Does Your Narcissistic Ex Miss You?

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Does Your Narcissist Ex Miss you? When you go no contact, or they dispose of you, are narcissists capable of missing you? Listen to this podcast episode to get the answer!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Last episode we talked about going no contact. So I thought, well, why not talk about does your ex narcissist, whether it's romantic friend, family, do they miss you? So we're gonna touch on that in today's episode. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)I have had this question come up a lot. Does my narcissist ex whatever? Miss me. First of all, why do we wonder that? Because a good narcissist loves to keep us wondering, right? And we also know that they don't really function like healthy humans. So we get very confused by their emotions, by their communication. So they're confusing beings. We are left with many, many questions, aren't we? But I would love to clear this question up for you today. Okay, so do they miss you? It is somewhat of a complicated answer, but I'm gonna break it down. We are going to use an analogy. Yay. It's analogy time. Alright, we are going to compare this to a drug addict. Their drug and their dealer. You my friend, were their dealer. The energy they sucked out of you to build themselves up. The control they needed was their drug and they are the addict. Speaker 1: (02:30)So though this hurt me a lot to hear, and I know it hurts people when I talk to my clients about it, it's hurt. It's really hurtful, but it's something once you break through the pain of that, it's like such a relief and really empowering and helps you on your healing journey. But honestly, the narcissist, the drug addict, they don't miss the dealer. They don't miss you. They miss what you provided them, okay? You provided them the control they needed the energy they sucked out of you, right? For their own energy feed. You know, if you have studied narcissism, you know what I'm talking about. So the life they sucked out of you and to build themselves up, right? They miss that. They don't miss you as a person. And of course they miss how you made it easier to get their drug. But once they get a new dealer, let's say they move on in a relationship or if it's a friendship, you'll see they quickly move on to new people. Speaker 1: (03:26)That is a common thing with narcissists. Then they will dispose or stop coming after you, right? Because you know right away they freak out. They're like, oh my drug, my drug, I need my drug. Where's my dealer? And so they will claw you trying to get you back. They will try everything. They will try manipulation, they will try sweetness and flowers and cookies. Was that just me? And then they will get mad if you're not responding to it, not giving them what they want. And they will get angry. I mean, they try guilt trips. They try everything right in the beginning when you disconnect. It is very difficult. But if they get a new quote supply, as we call it that they can supply, deal them their drug, they will forget about you. That's if you get off lucky, it'll be a nice clean break. Speaker 1: (04:11)That's not often the case, but it can happen. So not to say it lasts forever. They may have a split from their new dealer and come back weeks, months, even years later, looking to see if you can give them what you need. If you're still there, if you, if they still have control of you and they will dress it up like it is you and that you are special. And I wanna stop and take a moment and say, you are special. You're a very special, beautiful flower, but you are not special to them. And that is the part that's like, ooh, I know it hurts. So I want you to repeat. I want like your hand on your heart and say I am special , okay? And we're getting cheesy here. I don't care because I want you to feel that you are special just because you're not special to them that means nothing. Speaker 1: (04:53)They don't know how to treat people, right? Nobody's special to them. It has nothing to do with you. They're incapable of appreciating special people. They're incapable of loving the way we do. Okay? So it's nothing to do with you. So I do just wanna stop and let you feel that and know that you are special. And it, that part has nothing to do with you, okay? They don't work like rational, healthy humans who know how to appreciate and love. Okay? So it's all about control to them. I actually have a little story, story time and Christie, this is just an example of how they do move on and get new supply. And then they, whether or not they have it or not like it, it might be kind of working but not as easy to get as it was from you. Maybe look, I'm an empath. Speaker 1: (05:39)Oh my heart strings, forget it. You, you get me with nostalgia. I'm yours. I'm putty in your hands, right? So one of my narcissists knew this about me, right? And I don't know if he had new supply or not, but probably a year or two after we disconnected, they reached out. I had not learned about narcissism. I didn't know really the whole situation. I knew it was toxic. I got out of it, but I didn't know it on a deeper level. And so I did fall prey again, okay? A little story time that not so proud of, but this can be part of our journey, right? So they had forgotten about me, but then they reached out out of nowhere saying they missed me and please could we get together? I had been so strong for so long, moved on and I think they doubted I would, right? Speaker 1: (06:28)But they were just testing. And I had a moment, I had a weak moment. I said, well maybe just for a short little friend leave, is it right? I asked when and what do you know? They said, ah, I'm actually pretty busy the next few months, few months . Okay? So in an instant though, a light bulb went off in my head and it, and it was hurtful, but it also was like, ah ha. And that's when I started to see this isn't about me. They didn't really miss me or they would've jumped at the chance. It was they were checking if they had control. I always will say this, right? There's two things narcissists do. They're either trying to get control of you or checking if they still have control of you. So they were checking if they still had it. I proved that, I guess they did have somewhat of control over me, but you know what? Speaker 1: (07:17)They could have it. I was so excited to be released , because they turn around, right? And were like, oh, I got control. Well that's cool. I don't really need to see you. I was just checking. So then basically it's another disposal. But I was there for it because I realized this is all about control. And now here's the proof, here is the proof. I did not feel special. It made me realize, no, they don't miss me. All that they just said is bs. I'm not special to them. And that hurt. But I also knew I was special. I feel like, what's that? Um, was that Saturday night Live? People like me, I'm special. I don't remember. But anyway, something cheesy that made me laugh years ago. And now I'm 43 in perimenopause and I don't know what's happening anymore in my life, but I do know what's happening with narcissists. Speaker 1: (08:01)Thank goodness for that. They don't miss you. They miss their supply or whatever you were giving them that they needed and they may move on and not need you anymore. And that's a really good thing actually. Okay? So I was happy to be released from the web. You know that web of the narcissist, it is sticky, it's awful. And though painful to like kind of know you're not special. It was painful, but it was liberating to realize it was never about me. That actually, as much as it can hurt, it can set you free. So it took time to believe though, just cuz I was not special to a narcissist didn't mean I was not special. I mean, there's a lot of confidence stuff that goes on, guys that we have to deal with, with narcissists. I mean, they do a really damaging job on our self-esteem. Speaker 1: (08:52)So it's taken a a while to build that up faster than I thought I could. Though I have gotten to a great spot, I still have my moments. I'm not gonna lie, I still have moments and that's okay. I'm so much better off and more free and more at peace. And it's just so much better on this side of the fence. Like I will, I will take it, I'll take, I'll take those little moments rather than walking every day trying to get validation and walking on eggshells. I know you know what I'm talking about. So, so it took a while to just accept like everyone else in this world, I am special and deserving. And worthy too, right? And I already had people, other people around me that did think I was special and important and valuable, you know? So open your eyes to that too. Speaker 1: (09:37)And also when you do disconnect from a narcissist, you do open yourself up and have more time for better people, more uplifting people, people that love you and don't wanna change you often, especially when we have gone through narcissistic abuse, we focus so much on who is not giving us what we need, wanting their validation that we ignore the people that do find us amazing. So does your narcissist ex-spouse, partner, friend, family member miss you? Nope. No. It is always about them and their needs. But you are freaking awesome and special to others and to yourself and to the big man upstairs. What? Yes, if you're a God person, that is important, remind yourself of that every single day if you're not, and be important to you or whatever higher power you feel a part of, because we're not put here to suffer and we are valuable every single one of us. Speaker 1: (10:41)So it is time to let go of anybody who makes you question yourself. Anybody? You with me? Good. You need to be appreciated. You are worthy of great things and you are special. You're just one of us Queens. Welcome to the club. All right, see you on the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christyade fun.

Ep 25 | The Benefits and Challenges of Going NO CONTACT with a Narcissist

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Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Let's connect on social media!
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Yes, Queens. On today's episode, we are going to talk about going no contact. Ooh, this is my fire. I love this, but I know it can be difficult. So we're gonna talk about the challenges and the benefits. And on Thursday we're gonna talk about does your ex miss you during the no contact period? Ooh, ooh, the suspense. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:47)First things first. I never list. Now that's not it. First things first, how to go no contact. Okay, so this is I I mean it's pretty simple. No contact as far as what it actually means. It's very straightforward. It is going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you know you are going to be a healthier being if you do not have contact with them. If you absolutely cannot and you are co-parenting or something of this sort, you have to go to my Gray Rock method episode. I will link it below. I think it's episode five, but not sure. So I will link it, um, in my show notes. Alright, so going no contact. First of all, narcissist. Uh, they can really deflect. They can twist things. You know, they're manipulators. So one thing you have to be is very, very, very clear in what your decision is. Speaker 1: (02:37)You have to communicate this to them. You cannot do it all. If you're that strong, more power to you, as I've learned, I think it's more beneficial to state very clearly and simply what it is. So I, you could say something like, I am no longer going to be in communication with you of any kind. Please do not contact me. Now the next one, block all forms of communication. You're saying you do not want to contact them. You have made this decision, you need to mean it. And what helps you do that is blocking them. That can feel awful inside. Blocking seems like a really horrible thing, but horrible people, horrible decisions sometimes result in things that are not so comfortable that we are put in a situation where we have to do them. Such as blocking. It is not to be mean to somebody else. Speaker 1: (03:28)It is blocking to protect your peace. If you are on this journey or, and you're saying, I really want peace, I really wanna be fully disconnected from this person, then this truly is the way to ensure that obviously blocking their email, blocking their calls, blocking their texts, blocking their messenger. What are we in 1999? AOL Messenger? No, but any of the messenger apps on Facebook, Gmail, TikTok, wherever you are, all the social medias, whatever way there is a way for them to contact you, put a wall between you because you no longer want that communication. Right? Right. You ha, I'm telling you, you have to really mean it for this to work. Another reminder is to avoid triggering situations because this can can make us waiver where we're feeling strong and we're like, yeah, look at me. I block that mouth all over town. Everywhere. Speaker 1: (04:21)Yeah. And then we get into a triggering situation and all of a sudden we get that little softer side coming out. We're like, oh man, well maybe, maybe I should just unblock to know if they, if there's an emergency or to know, I mean they might. Maybe they're having a hard time. We start to go down a spiral. So try to avoid triggering situations that could lead to that where your heart strings feel tugged at. Don't be going looking at your cute little memories in your photo albums. Does anyone even have photo albums? I am showing my age. I'm 43. I might have some photo albums. Okay, don't go scrolling in your Facebook memories. Is that more modern and up to date peeps? I said peeps to be cool, but you get my point. Don't put yourself in triggering situations. That could be, oh, reaching out to their sister. Speaker 1: (05:13)You're just checking in to see how she is. No, maybe you're just reaching because you are missing them even though it may seem wrong. This is natural that we miss people even when we decide to cut them out of their lives. So it's like having a little access to the person. Maybe you're asking their cousin, oh, have you seen Dean? How's he doing? That's a triggering situation cuz they're gonna start talking about, oh well actually his cat passed away. And then you're like, oh, I should unblock my all my stuff so I can just real quick tell him I'm sorry his cat died. Right? No, stay locked up like a box. Alright, the fourth thing in this part here is focusing on self-care. This is a huge part and you can go back through a couple of my episodes that talk about self-care, how I really in my start of this journey when I disconnected what I did to help myself. Speaker 1: (06:10)But self-care is so important just to name a couple of things. Get your exercise, get your sleep, get support. This is so important. I could not have done my journey after the disconnect. Not even just through it, but after, cuz it's a whole new life. It's a whole, I mean it's a recreation of yourself. I could not have done that without support. So if you do want to work with me, I will mention this. I starting in about a month or so, I'm gonna be doing part-time. So I do have a couple of spots open if you wanna work with me. I will put a link again in the show notes. If you are looking to just have one call or have you know several, um, you can get like package deals. So I will put those below. But you really, really should have support again with somebody who understands narcissism. Speaker 1: (07:00)I cannot say that enough, whether it's me or somebody else, someone who gets narcissism. So self-care includes getting support and help. Alright, so let's talk about those challenges of going no contact. Ah, okay. The guilt is really y'all. Let's just start with the biggest one for, I mean that was huge. I had such guilt and it did not help that family members laid on bigger guilt onto me or you. Let's say you're in a romantic situation and maybe it's your in-laws or your friends even, right? Your friends have so much with you and your partner and you all are buddies and hang out all the time and they don't want that to end. They may even guilt you. So you have your own guilt on top of other people's guilt on top of, of course the narcissist guilt. Cuz you know dang well they are going to throw their guilt all up in that, right? Speaker 1: (07:51)So that is especially why I needed the support I did. The guilt was literally like eating me alive. It was really getting to me. Another challenge is loneliness and isolation. First of all, if this is especially like in romantic situations, a lot of times the narcissists will isolate you so you are dependent on them, right? We got the codependency thing thing going. So when, and if you get to have the glory of disconnecting from a narcissist, you feel great and free, but you also are on the other side and you could be lonely because you have been isolated, you have been manipulated into isolating yourself from your friends, from your family, and it's hard enough to deal with any breakup. You're going to feel lonely in ways, right? Because you're used to having this person, especially in narcissistic situations. If you are an empath with a narcissist, you are codependent. Speaker 1: (08:46)That's just gonna happen. And now you have to untether those cords that have been tied for X amount of time depending on your situation. So you've got loneliness and isolation to deal with. Again, why you need support. The third one is potential backlash from the narcissist. And this is tough and I do wanna recommend, I always will put the, um, hotline number, the domestic abuse hotline. I mentioned this now because hopefully the narcissist in your life is not violent. If they are, I do suggest getting support and also calling the hotline number to guide you if there is any sort of dangerous situation you are in, aside from dangerous situation, just narcissist in general, you're gonna get backlash, you're gonna get guilt, you're gonna get maybe name calling. They'll, they will go through a variety of their own emotions. So they may try to win you with being sweet and then when that doesn't work, they may get angry and call you names, then they may threaten you. Speaker 1: (09:43)Then they may do a smear campaign where they are telling other people bad things about you. So there is potential for that backlash again, why you need support . So I know it's like I'm repeating myself, but I really wouldn't have been where I am today without support. It's, it's just my piece was worth every penny. So the last thing here in the challenges is dealing with the trauma that was already there. You are already dealing with trauma. So the good news is this is the start of your healing. When you stay in a situation, you're, you can't heal when you're still in the situation, you can't heal. So that's the good news. You are starting the healing, but you do have to deal with it. So you may have to do therapy, you may have to kind of dig down and see, well what led me to this? Speaker 1: (10:27)How can I avoid situations like this in the future? All of that stuff, which I actually will be putting out a chorus soon. I am so excited about how to avoid narcissistic relationships like ever getting them again. We love that. So I'm really excited about that. So you're gonna deal with that trauma. So it's also the healing. What can you do to heal? That's stuff I work on with clients all the time. There's yin yoga, there's journaling, there's meditation, there's a billion ways to deal with the trauma. I do suggest therapy. I do suggest mindset work, physical work, taking care of yourself as far as your diet and health, all of that. So yes, with anything like this, there's going to be challenges, but I am telling you from my experience, from my client's experiences, the benefits of going no contact and cutting, like truly disconnecting from a narcissist is so worth any challenge. Speaker 1: (11:20)So the first one is regaining control of your life. Being able to not have to walk on eggshells. Being able to make your own decisions, not worrying about what the other person has to think or say. And you know, I know relationships are a compromise, but if you're in a narcissistic situation, you know what I mean, it is like you can't do anything, right? They want you co-dependent on them. They're gonna decide everything for you. And it's, it's really a stressful way to live. So you get to regain control of you. I, I call it you 2.0. Like look, you get to get your life back, right? This isn't just like normal healthy relationships where of course you're gonna compromise, you're gonna change, uh, dynamics change, that's life, right? You have kids, things change. If you're in a narcissistic situation, you know, it goes a lot deeper and I want you to be free of that. Speaker 1: (12:15)The second is healing from the trauma. So we talked about dealing, but you get to heal. So this is your time. You actually get to feel really good and start your mind, body, spirit, all that good stuff. You get to start off on a new track and you really get to start deciding and creating your own life. Like decide is, I love that word because you are deciding, I, I made a decision to get out of this and now I'm deciding who I wanna be now. And in our childhood it's, it's really hard. We have to listen to our parents and we're born into certain situations and there's something beautiful about starting over when you're a little bit older. Like for me, I mean I was like, gosh, 38, 37, 38 when I started to really unravel and see like, wow, I can actually do things my way, how I want in my life. Speaker 1: (13:10)And I felt really free and it's been like a dream. Like I'm creating, I'm still creating it, but I'm still, I'm like creating this dream life that I never thought I could have. And like, God, I want that for you guys. So just have hope. Hold on to that. Hope that you can do that. And it takes some time, but it's quicker than you think. Especially if you have support, especially with me cuz we move fast. I don't like to wait for stuff. I'm a Taurus, I'm going places, I'm running, like we got things to do. We're not gonna like shrivel up and sit and waiver in the past. And I'm not, I'm not doing toxic positivity where it's like, oh, forget it happened. Like, we sit in it a little bit, we have some tears, we do some stuff, but we also say, well I have this pain and I'm not gonna let it dictate my life. Speaker 1: (13:54)I'm not gonna let it take over my life anymore and I'm going to use it as a fire under my butt to have the most amazing life I can cuz I still can, despite everything I can, I'm telling you. So sorry, I get real passionate about that . All right. Now building healthier relationships is a third thing. This is, like I said, I'm gonna build a course around this because this is so important. Not just with romantic relationships though, really one of the beautiful things in my life is when I cut out a specific narcissist out of my life, it just opened my eyes to like, wow, that relationship really took over and I really let that person get away with a lot and I don't wanna do that anymore. And there are other people in my life that even if they're not narcissists, that just the relationships don't really work for me and I've put up with some crap that I really shouldn't, and I see things in a whole new way. Speaker 1: (14:52)It really lifted the veil off. I will say that can be hard because it's, it's almost like once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? And you're like, dang, Gina. Um, so, you know, with everything there, there's an upside and a downside. But the upside was amazing because I did clear out a couple of friendships from my life and I, you know, I wish them well. There's not like hard feelings, but there were certain things that just weren't sitting well in my body and I didn't feel good about. And it's not like I didn't value our past experiences and we had some great times, but there was just some that was not working anymore because I had a new perspective in life. So it's setting new standards for yourself, for your life, new boundaries, all of that, and building healthy relationships. And when you clear out some of those, which you may, it leaves room for people that you didn't even know existed, right? Speaker 1: (15:48)There's people out there that are really supportive and positive and not negative and not draining, and you don't have to walk on eggshells around. And that was really, really cool for me to experience. All right, the last thing here is improving your mental health kind of with the healing from trauma. It's, it's such an amazing feeling when you start to get your confidence back when you're building this 2.0 version of yourself. It is, it's magical. And I know I sound cheesy, but welcome to me it's just this magical experience of, of empowerment. I mean, that's the only, that's such an overused word, but I, for the first time in my life, and the, and this is just in the last few years, you guys, the first time in my life, I actually feel powerful over my own life and my own choices. And it's, it's just, it's inexplicable. Speaker 1: (16:42)And again, I want you guys to experience that. All right? So I also really want you guys to meet other like-minded people. So this is a reminder that I have a Facebook group for women only on Facebook. I always link it in my show notes, but join that. You will get a free gift from me there. But you can also build community on that page of other women going through what you have going, what you know, whatever stage you're in, there's people in there that have gone through it as well. So I'd love you to join that page. So in conclusion, we'll have a little recap. We talked about how to go no contact, the challenges of going no-contact, the benefits which far outweigh the challenges. I'm telling you of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is a different story. I want you to call that 800 hotline in the show notes and really prioritize your self-care and your healing and yourself and get the support you need. Speaker 1: (17:38)I am here. There's therapists out there again, there is that domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to be physically abused to use that phone number, okay? Just a reminder that going no contact, it is a brave and empowering choice. And it might be scary and it might feel crazy and it may still be hard to do. You might have done it a year ago, but you get sucked back in here and there. I get it. I have been there. I understand it is a very, very hard thing to do. The fact you try or trying it all shows your strength. So keep fighting for this. And if you need to replay this 11 times to help, just do that. Whatever you gotta do, reach out to me. You can always email me my emails in the show notes too. And remember, you are brave. You are amazing. And dang girl, you are beautiful. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www. christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

Ep 24 | How to Beat a Narcissist at Their Own Game

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Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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TRANSCRIPT:
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello. So the last episode, we talked about the signs of gaslighting, and today we're gonna talk about if you're being gas lit, five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, does that narcissist got you down? They often use gaslighting as a tactic to take control, right? So I'm gonna talk about five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. First of all, stand firm in your truth. This is where they can make you feel so crazy. You've got to really be confident in the truth and know, okay, this is a narcissist, or this is a person who is trying to gain control so they will go to any length to make me be convinced that their story is the truth and mine is not okay. So you have to stand really firm in that and don't waiver in your conversations with them and even just in your own mind. Number two, and I preface this with, I come from a family of lawyers. Everyone is very big on documenting everything, writing everything down. Speaker 1: (02:29)It has saved me in many a situation. I mean, legally, personally, I, I write everything down and I, with narcissist specifically, I'm going to say, I've said it before, I am very passionate about this. If you are in, let's say, a co-parenting situation with a narcissist, do not have calls on the phone. If possible, have everything through email and through text. You can go through your lawyers and, um, ask them to make this an, you know, an addendum or add it to your, um, you know, custody papers. You should not have to contact them or them contact you about anything other than your children if it is a custody situation. Cuz in my mind, if you can avoid being in touch with a narcissist at all, we'd love to avoid that. So these situations, you're forced. If you do have someone in your family, you do not feel ready to disconnect totally from, or you have a boss or coworker that you think may be a narcissist, these are ways to help you. Speaker 1: (03:33)I of course, will always say, if you can get away from the narcissist, get away from the narcissist. That's the only way to really beat the narcissist . Okay, so we talked about standing in your truth and writing it down, right? Seriously, I take no risks with the narcissist and of course deal with them as little as possible. That being said, number three is that contact should be short and sweet. So if you do have to have the contact, make it clear and short. You don't have to make it sweet, actually, depending on your situation, you can just be clear and short. I would say also be firm. Like I say, stand in your truth. Don't add fluff. Don't try to use emotion to get them to be compassionate. Sometimes we can do that. Sometimes with narcissists we think, oh, maybe if I explain my feelings deeper or how much they're hurting me, no. Speaker 1: (04:24)First of all, they eat that up for supper. They love it, they want that, but also it won't work on them. Okay? Keep your emotions, that whole emotional part to yourself. Guard it with a cage . This is what we call the gray rock method. This is part of it at least, which in it's episode five, I believe on my podcast, goes deeper into the gray rock method. I will link that in the show notes. Um, but basically it's keeping things short and sweet. The gray rock is representative of just blending in, not letting them get a rise out of you not having emotion. Basically, you're a gray rock, and over time they tend to lose interest. And if you don't take their bait, it, it's kind of like they back off there can, you know, there can be patterns of them coming and, and checking to see if they still have control. Speaker 1: (05:16)Like, oh, maybe the gray rock misses me or whatever. But in general, it is a really great method that I have used myself and swear by. This is an important one. And I would say this is definitely hard when you have been, especially if you've been in a situation with a narcissist for a long time, and it's a close intimate relationship, whether it's romantic friendship, family ship, and even if you've been under the same boss for, you know, 10 years, they can have such a hold on you that you are terrified to rattle the cage. You walk on eggshells and I am giving you permission to leave without guilt. And this can look like leaving a conversation. This can look like leaving the relationship. This I know for some will be harder to hear or harder to do than others, but I am here to tell you I was, I was in a situation like that for so long where I was terrified and it wasn't just the narcissist that I was terrified of. Speaker 1: (06:22)It was the other people in our lives that guilt tripped me or me trying to disconnect from this person, right? So you can get guilt from multiple angles and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and that's why I'm a big advocate of getting support through me, through a therapist, whatever it is in your situation, because you really do. I got support during my situation. And yeah, I definitely think you need support when you are leaving a situation completely. But I'm also saying if you're in a conversation and you feel uncomfortable or you feel like they're manipulating you or you feel like you're getting sucked in, you're taking the bait, they are twisting things around, you are allowed to, I mean, take a breath, count to five and just say, I need to go. Whether it's on the phone, you hang up whether you are with them and you, you, you can call it Uber if I mean you, I know you're in like different situations sometimes where you feel like you might be stuck, you're not stuck, you are not stuck. Speaker 1: (07:27)And if it is a, um, dangerous or violent situation, please call the domestic abuse hotline. And that phone number is, um, in the show notes. But the best way to outsmart a gas lighter or a narcissist is to disengage. It's the gray rock. It's the not taking the bait. It's no longer walking on eggshells. It's being in your truth and it's disengaging. The second you feel that visceral reaction of this isn't right. I mean, your body speaks to you. So get familiar with your body. That's why you need those meditations. Go grab my four minute mood boost meditation. Just getting in touch with your body will help you so much when you are trying to just follow your intuition through narcissistic abuse. It's almost like we can, we can lose our own intuition. We can lose our own identity. We have been literally living in fear of someone else or for someone else depending on your situation. Speaker 1: (08:30)Um, so it's crazy stuff, but that's why you need support. So if you want to work with me, um, again, all my information is in the show notes. You can email me. That's probably the best way to do it. Um, so we can talk about in what way. There are different packages I have for coaching. Um, I do yoga and yin yoga really, really helps support the mind body balance. And I just did a couple episodes last week if you wanna listen to those that go in into more about yin yoga. So getting support, whether it's, you know, kind of talk therapy, coaching, yoga, you really need something if you are going through this. The post narcissistic abuse situation is real . Unfortunately, I've gone through it and I just, that's what I, why I do what I do. I I just want to help you guys accelerate through your healing and be strong enough to stay disconnected, to be strong enough and intuitive enough to recognize signs and to be able to not get into these situations, whether it's romantic, whether it's in the workplace, whether it's friendships to break the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (09:38)And you guys can do it. Um, you know, you ju just might need some guidance. That's, that's how I got here. I got guidance. I did a lot, had a lot of education, did a lot of research and my own experience, and I'm so passionate about it and I want, I want to help you. So I am here for you. Please email me and I will talk to you in the next episode. Don't forget, you are worthy of feeling good. You're not supposed to suffer and you're not crazy. You know the truth. Listen to your intuition. Get quiet enough to listen to yourself and start trusting yourself again. All right? See you in the next episode.