NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Ep 69 5 Ways to Heal From Your Own Thoughts

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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Christie Jade. Today we're gonna talk about five ways that you can become an observer of your thoughts so you can grow and heal after abuse. All right, so let's dive in. Number one, this is one of the best ways that you can really become an observer, and what this does is helps you heal because you're able to set yourself, maybe we can view it as a way or outside of your feelings. Sometimes we identify with our feelings saying things such as I'm anxious. And a way to shift that is to think of it more as I am currently having an anxious feeling or anxious thoughts, right? So number one is mindfulness or doing mindful meditations. And that involves sitting quietly and observing your thoughts without judgment. And this can take little practice, but I promise you, you can get there. Speaker 1: (01:09)By practicing mindfulness regularly, you can develop the skill of being an impartial observer. And that when you can really do that, when you can again, take yourself kind of out of being enmeshed with your own feelings, your own thoughts, that can really, really help you heal. So one way to do this is start by focusing on your breath and then gradually expanding your awareness to include thoughts as they arise. And then you notice them without getting caught up in the emotional charge of them, right? Or the content of what the actual thoughts are without going into them deeper with just being with them without judgment. Again, this can take time. This is something I do with my somatic healing. So if you wanna go for a fun journey, um, it's, uh, somatic healing is just amazing. I just did a session with a client today. Speaker 1: (02:15)It was just epic. I love it. It's really amazing work. So you can always look in the show notes on how to work with me. Number two is journaling. If you are a writer like I am, I love writing stuff down. I have diaries from when I was six years old, starting at six all the way through my twenties, and there's some after that too, but I kept them, you know, almost daily for a good chunk of my life. So I'm very familiar with writing and the power of writing. So you can keep a journal to record your thoughts and your feelings that come up. And by writing them down, you externalize those thoughts and Speaker 2: (02:58)Then it makes it easier for some depending. Again, you have to try these things out for yourself and see what you enjoy most. This is all customizable to you, but this can make for a lot of people, make it easier to observe your feelings and your thoughts objectively by writing them down. And then you take the time to reflect on what you've written, noticing any patterns or recurring themes that may come up. This can help you gain insight into your thought patterns and facilitate that healing. Yes, queen, we love to heal. We number three, self-inquiry. So if you want to engage in self-inquiry, you can ask yourself probing questions about your thoughts and your beliefs, right? You kind of go a little deeper, but keeping the emotion out of it, but logically going into a deeper, for example, if you notice a negative thought pattern, ask yourself, well, where is this coming from? Speaker 2: (04:01)Right? Let's say you're like, oh, I couldn't do that. I could never do that. Well, why do you say that? Where's this coming from? And you can keep going down, right? To break it down into more and more. It's kind of like when you think of a 4-year-old child, child saying, well, why? Well, why, well why right? Keeps breaking down further and further. You can do this with yourself to say like, really, how did we get here? How did we get to this thought pattern? Is it true? Is it really your thought pattern? Or is it something, let's say you were taught by your family or society, right? Or some, sometimes when we go through trauma, we cannot believe in ourselves. So it could be a thought pattern that is formed from that. So also something that's helpful is asking, does this thought pattern serve me? Speaker 2: (04:52)Is this helping me? It might be trying to protect you, maybe, but that's another, a whole other episode. We could talk about that, about the protectors in us. But you can say, thank you for trying to serve me, but I no longer need this. I no longer want to be protected because I want to believe I'm capable of X, Y, z, or whatever the thought pattern is. So you challenge your irrational or unhelpful thoughts by examining the evidence for and against them. And this practice can help you distance from distance yourself from those thoughts and gain perspective and what's actually true inside, right? We're talking, we talk a lot about in my podcast and my coaching, getting to the U2 0.0 and that U2 0.0 is shaken off all that nasty dirt that's covered up that gold, right? You're this solid gold block when you're born. Speaker 2: (05:55)And as you go through life there, there are negative thought patterns, negative beliefs, things, whether it's other people tell you, you tell yourself, you form these beliefs because of other people. Bad situations happen. Negative things can occur right in everyone's life, and it sprinkles all this dirt and muck and mud and covers up the beautiful gold bar that you are, right? So part of this healing and part of this self-inquiry can help to shake off some of those negative patterns, negative behavior, thought patterns, right? And gain you the true perspective of who you are. That gold, that shiny gold, that's the you, that's the U2 0.0 that's been covered, right? All right. Another awesome technique is the body scan technique. You may have heard of this, you may have done one before, and they can really be powerful, especially if you continuously use that, this technique. Speaker 2: (06:58)So this involves systematically bringing awareness to different parts of your body. This you can start from your toes up, you can go from your crown, the top of your head down. Um, I often start from the crown and go down, but you can do either way. And as you scan each body part, you observe any sensations. Again, observe, right? We're observing, not in meshing ourselves in them and getting, and not to say emotions can't come up, but what we're trying to do is to be an observer, observing the sensations, the thoughts, emotions, without trying to change them. And that's, that's where struggles can happen, right? Stress in general, I forget the exact quote, but I heard a quote somewhere that was about how when like stress basically is, or dis-ease is when you're trying to change something because it's not feeling aligned to you, right? Speaker 2: (08:07)But that can often make things worse. So especially in this sort of situation where we have things come up and we are so resistant to it, we so don't wanna feel it or whatever, we put up this big fight and then it just makes it feel even bigger, right? You can picture that when you have like a lot of anxiety. I know a lot of my followers deal with anxiety issues, right? When you try to fight that anxiety, what happens? Usually it makes it worse, or you can even set yourself into panic, right? Panic attacks, it's a cycle. Speaker 2: (08:45)So this practice of observing can help you cultivate a non-reactive awareness of your thoughts and your thoughts, connections to the bodily sensations you have. It's all tied together, right? This is why I love this body healing. It's, it's amazing and it's magical. All right? And five is cognitive behavioral therapy, which if you're in the therapy world, you have heard of this, you haven't, I'll explain it more. It is a therapeutic approach that focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. So you can work with a therapist trained in this specific technique to learn how to recognize distorted thinking and replace it with more realistic and constructive thoughts. This is something I do in my work. I am not a therapist, as you know, I am a coach, but I do specialize in healing from abuse and have practiced this and have had success with my clients, but I'll never claim to be a CBT, um, certified. Speaker 2: (09:58)I am getting my somatic healing certification, and this is something we touch on. But through this process, you can become more aware of your thoughts and develop healthier cognitive habits leading to emotional wellbeing and healing, right? So there's, like I said, everyone's gonna like or not, like different modalities, different methods we use here. These are just some of them to give you examples. But by incorporating these in your daily life, you can become a more skillful observer of your thoughts, which is part of this transformation. What I find in somatic healing, what has been so beautiful, my own journey with it, and now being able to use somatic healing in my coaching sessions where we just are doing right now, I'm just practicing doing somatic healings for the entire hour basically, of our sessions because the impact, the transition is longer lasting because it is healing from the body out, right? Speaker 2: (11:16)Kind of like inside out when we do mindset work, which is amazing and fabulous and I love it too. Um, sometimes my when mindset, there has to be that motivation and more of a maintenance, in my opinion, where the somatic healing, and you can use them in parallel, right? But somatic healing is long lasting because it is really healing the body and like where that is stored, where the trauma is stored and actual on this body level, it's an amazing process of rewiring and shifting things from the body out, if that makes sense, right? So it's really cool to, I myself, have been able to make that shift from being in my feelings, right? We all know that's a saying, I'm in my feelings. That's a thing to being an observer and saying, whoa, I look, I'll still get triggered. Okay? There's, I went through trauma, I, I got some triggers, okay? Speaker 2: (12:27)That trigger comes up though now, and I've practiced this so much and it didn't take forever. So don't feel like this is like years in the making here, but I've practiced at a point that I can go and it keeps getting better, right? But I can observe that feeling, recognize it from an observation space, say this is what's happening, and observe it and go through the motions of observing and like being with it, but not enmeshed with it. Not taking it on as my identity saying, yes, this is an anxious thought, and where is it coming from? Whatever I need to do to talk myself through it. Again, there's several ways, and being okay with that saying, okay, and just doing that alone helps you heal rather than resisting or really being enmeshed with that feeling. Okay? So if, again, if you want any help, any guidance on this work, on this journey that you are on, again, just pop over into my show notes and you can sign up for a session with me and I will see you in next weeks video slash podcast. Speaker 2: (13:46)If you don't know, I do my podcast. If you're listening on audio, I do a pod, my podcast on YouTube now. It's a video you can stare at my face with my headphones on. Hi. Um, and if you're on YouTube and you just wanna listen to on it to me on a podcast, I can't talk tonight. It's been a long day. Y'all been a long weekend. Um, but you can go ahead and look for, but still she thrives on basically any of the podcast platforms. So I'm all over. And then my Instagram and Facebook, I will have all those links listed in the show notes. And let's take a collective big inhale together. Inhale and release. Woo. Here's to another awesome week. Love you guys, and I will see you soon. Bye.

Ep 68 Dismissing Abusive Behavior : Travis Kelce and NFL Let's Do Better

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Kristi Jade. Today we're gonna talk about the hot topic of the week, the Super Bowl. Um, obviously you guys know I probably have an opinion about this. I'm gonna talk about my opinion. It is my opinion. This is not fact or the truth or the one answer. Um, but I have some opinions to share about the whole situation with Travis and coach. So stay tuned. Speaker 2: (00:31)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:29)Okay? So if you didn't watch the Super Bowl, uh, at one point Travis Kelsey, um, was up in the coach's face. He kind of chest bumped him and looked very angry. You couldn't hear what he was saying. Um, lip readers did say there was a couple different lip readers. I guess they were professional lip readers, um, that said similar things that he said f-bomb and was, you know, yelling at coach, you know, to put him in. And it was disturbing. It was disturbing enough that a bunch of people were talking about it today. Then we have the other people were saying, like, you know, give the guy a break, you know, he's in the spotlight, this and that. So there's a lot of opinions about it on both sides. There's people saying, oh, you can't this cancel culture. You can't cancel everybody. So here's my opinion on it, and I talk about this obviously in relation to, I, I obviously have a lot of education in this field of abuse. Speaker 1: (02:39)Let me say, I'm not saying this is exactly abuse. I do look at this as kind of abusive behavior. Um, abuse to me is, you know, cruel behavior and that can be emotional, physical, whatever, right? Um, I'm not saying ongoing abuse. I don't know their relationship. Do I know the coach has said he had a really bad temper and they've worked on it? Yes. So it's not like outta blue, he's never had a temper before. Some people dismiss that. So here's another part of it, right? We all grow up in different families, different cultures, and tolerate different things. If you follow me, you know, I don't tolerate any form of abuse, any form of cruel treatment. Do people have moments? Yes, but there's a level to me, um, if you wanna call it a body check, I don't know the definition of body check, but whatever he kind of chest bumped him, got in his physical space and was yelling that to me, I would not tolerate from another human, right? Speaker 1: (03:46)And this is his boss. It's somewhat of an elderly man, um, that he should be respecting, but I don't think he should do it to anyone. Does it add a layer of like, oh, what the? Yeah, like, I mean, if I did that, here's the thing, right? If I did that when I was working in the corporate world, obviously I would get my fired, right? And you could say, oh, well it's football. It's different to an extent, obviously yes, on the field, there's, you know, there's a lot of testosterone and I don't like to excuse testosterone and that we may have differences there, right? People, oh, people on steroids and this and that, okay? I don't, everyone needs to be accountable for their behavior. So that's where my point comes in of, am I even saying he necessarily should be totally canceled? I don't know. Speaker 1: (04:36)Here's my thing. Number one, there should be consequences to actions. Let's say it was a mistake, and he's such a great guy, and we'll get to that too, right? Oh, he made, he made a mistake or whatever. Um, but he's thrown helmets before he is had tantrums. This I, you know, obviously got more attention because of it was with the coach up in his face, the physical part of it. So him doing that, A, there was no consequence. I have a problem with that, that literally I think, I think it was kind of tried to be like shoved under the rug, but then obviously today people are speaking out about it, right? But there doesn't seem to be any consequence yet. I, I do hope there is something, right? I don't, I don't know what exactly that looks like. And I know people love money and people love, you know, good football players, right? Speaker 1: (05:31)But that's that privilege. That's a whole other topic. I mean, it's within this topic, but I'm not gonna go deeply into this stuff. I'm just giving my opinion. So I was upset with that and I was also upset that there was no apology. Someone did tell me today that on not live tv, that he went over and hugged, coach and apologized, right? First of all, we didn't see that. Second of all, there are a lot of children, boys and girls watching these football players and looking to them as role models, right? He's been in the limelight a lot, and there are a lot of younger boys and girls looking up to him. You could say, well, it's not his job, X, y, z you could say that. But this is my opinion. And I think if you are in the limelight and you know that children are watching, and I mean even just other, you know, peers watching, looking to you, um, as a role model that you, you do, you should be on your best behavior, right? Speaker 1: (06:46)And someone else said that. Well, we all, um, what they, I don't remember their exact phrasing, but they, because I posted about this on my personal Facebook and I, you know, I knew I'd get for it, but you know, me, I don't, I don't really care. Um, and I got, I mean, I got supportive comments and I got comments that disagreed. But I, you know, I like to have these conversations and, and see where people's minds are at. And I'm asking you guys, feel free to comment in my pod bean or to email me. If you're mama c I'll put in the show notes or on my YouTube, if you're on my YouTube, you can comment right there, um, your opinion of it. And if you know me, I do listen, I listen to things. I have my own opinions. We might go back and forth. Speaker 1: (07:31)Um, and I like to be respectful when we have these conversations. But, and now I lost my train of thought squirrel. Um, but to me the fact, yes, there may have been an apology, we didn't hear it. He has these people looking up to him. I do think it, it was important if he thought it was a mistake or maybe he didn't, maybe he's dismissing it like these other people are, and you might be one of them. I don't know where it's like, oh, big deal. So what, you know, that's where we're just not gonna see eye to eye, obviously. Um, and, and I'm a tough person if you know the I've been through, I'm a tough B, right? But you are in a professional setting, whether it's football or not. And oh, we could go to the point too that the coach said, I'm trying to think of all the stuff people said back, um, that the coach said, you know, like basically was defending him, right? Speaker 1: (08:30)Saying like, oh yeah, he is passionate and whatever. I will say this. And I'm not saying he is an ongoing abuser. I don't know his life, right? Um, I can tell you my intuition or feelings about that if anyone wants to know if, but coach defending him, we can compare it. It's very different. This is apples to oranges. But just trying to give you a picture of like, someone has the, a lot of people are having this idea of like, oh, well the coach said it was okay, he is fine. Okay? A little secret. Like here in the, the like bigger abuse world, right? Where we're dealing with ongoing a marital abuse, all of domestic violence in that world, do you know how many people protect their abusers? It's it's natural. I mean, I did it myself, literally helped patch up holes in the wall because you are under their power, okay? Speaker 1: (09:32)So like, that's what I don't know if people get that. And I'm not saying again, ongoing abuse, I'm just saying even in that situation, the coaches, like, he may have felt like he can't go against this dude right in the middle of the Super Bowl, right? Like, what's he gonna say? Oh, he is a. And he disrespect me. Like there's many reasons that wouldn't fly, which again, I disagree with, but I do know our society. I know the NFLI know teams are celebrating, right? This is a joyful moment. Nobody wants to be brought down by that. Um, but that being said, and again, it is kind of apple's oranges here, but it's showing you and reminding you that even if he said it's okay, it might not have been. I can't say that for sure. I don't know. He could have been like, yeah, whatever, right? Speaker 1: (10:28)But for the kids watching, well, the people watching in general, I think there should have been a consequence to show, even if it was a one time thing and he never acted angry or whatever and just acted out of anger that night, there should be a consequence. That's my opinion. It's a lot of people's opinion right now. And number two, there should have been an apology. And maybe it's coming. I think it's a little late if it is not too late. I mean, but I, I also do wonder, you know, certain things, sometimes you have to run it through PR and it might take time. I would've thought it'd be out by tonight if he was going to apologize. He also might not think he did anything wrong. Like I talked about, just like some of you may think, right? So those are my two things. Speaker 1: (11:19)Am am I throwing, you know, people are like, oh, you know, you shouldn't cancel him. I'm like, I'm not necessarily canceling him. I'm just bringing awareness to this is how things go wrong when things aren't even acknowledged or said like, this isn't cool, so there's gonna be a consequence. You know, I'm not dictating what that consequence should be. I'm not saying it should be canceling him out forever and he is just dead to everybody. I'm not saying that. I'm saying there should be consequence. Like there should be for anybody who acts like a clown. And number two, again, reminder . Sorry, I'm sorry. A sincere apology that I acted like that or coming forward and explaining. 'cause we don't know, we didn't hear the exact words, right? Something, some acknowledgement. And, and from what it looked like, it did look like he was angry and he was physical. Speaker 1: (12:18)I don't know how you can spin that exactly to, not that, but let's say he could explain or yeah, say, you know what? I, I got aggressive. It was heated and I'm sorry, that's what I think should have happened. That's my opinion. Um, I would love to hear yours in the comments anywhere, um, in my email. And yes, I don't, I don't know. I just felt like tonight's little episode, um, I was talking about this throughout the day on my Facebook , so it's obviously something I was feeling because it is a, a bigger picture of like, come on, we're at a point here. Like, I'm not saying cancel culture is great at all. I'm saying there should be some consequence for, for actions that are not cool, for mistakes, for whatever it is, there should be consequences. And people should be able as grownups to say, you know what, yeah, what I did, I, I shouldn't have done that. Speaker 1: (13:21)I would've done it differently if I did it again, not an excuse, but I was riled up in the heat of the moment to Super Bowl and this happened and the whatever. But he said, from what I read, like, you know, I read different articles from what I read. He said, I'm gonna keep that. He said, you guys heard that? I'm gonna keep that. And that was on the TV too, but I'm gonna keep that between me and him, unless his micd up shared it with the world, right? or lip reader came along. But so, I mean that shows it probably wasn't very pretty right? So why not just say, yeah, my bads if he apologized to him, that's great. But yes, you are in the public. Speaker 1: (14:08)And some would say maybe I, I've heard kind of like a tinge of, oh, he doesn't owe anybody anything just 'cause he is a football, right? Like, I, I guess not. But that would help a lot of people feel better about it. And there's a lot of pe I mean, I don't watch football like obsessively, right? I used to watch it more when I was younger. Um, but there's a lot of die hard fans that have come forward saying they are disgusted and embarrassed that this, you know, it's, it's not just like me, you know, , my type of audience. Like there are, you're seeing die hard fans saying, I respected you so much. I've lost all respect for you, right? Um, so I think for those fans, especially for the kids looking up to him, not to me this suburban mom on a podcast , but for those people watching him looking up to him, expecting to have like a great time watching the Super Bowl and then getting disappointed like that, sure, it's life. We're human. Maybe it's just a mistake and his temper really has been better lately and he's turned a leaf great. Sometimes we fall back a little bit. That's okay. Speaker 1: (15:29)Say you're sorry and do better. Okay? That's all. Rant over. Um, love you guys. I have, what do I have to tell? Speaking of suburban mom, I am now . This is like, this is like the weirdest podcast I've ever done. Um, but I am selling Mary Kay. You guys know, if you follow me on YouTube, most, most of the people who will be excited about this, um, are my YouTube people because we're like all makeup freaks and stuff. That's, if you don't know, I started my YouTube channel was makeup tutorials, makeup. I used to be a makeup artist. And that's how it started. And um, I developed into a lot more. But anyway, I am now selling Mary Kay and I was selling it before then I moved, I stopped selling it, and now I move back to Maryland. I'm selling it again. Here's a little one if you're on the camera. Speaker 1: (16:19)Oh, there's some eyeshadow. I have so much makeup. I have ordered, I have samples. I, we have a spring line coming up and this can be for the people here. I'm like starting to blend this stuff together. Like sometimes I would keep this separate. I'm like, but this is like women who are trying to find confidence and their new identity and feeling good about yourselves. We like to do the skincare and may, I mean, not everyone needs to do makeup. Hey, I love makeup. I know a lot of my followers do. It helps us feel better. And just for me, I love actually doing, it's like art to me sometimes when I go really crazy with the eyes. Um, so I am going to be selling, I'm not gonna be mostly, you know, I'm not gonna be talking about Mary Kay every podcast or anything. Speaker 1: (17:08)But if there is like a promotion or something going on, or you want to, if you guys wanna join, if you are interested in makeup and beauty, I'll be doing tips and stuff on videos in my Facebook group. It's like a Mary Kay specific group. I will put that link in my show notes so you can come follow me there and I'll be doing all the fun. Those are gonna be really fun videos. I'm so excited to start doing like little short makeup tips, sh like spotlighting certain products that I love. Um, and just having chats. We'll do live chats, stuff like that too. So if that sounds like something you're interested in 'cause you wanna feel like a queen 'cause you are a queen, then sign up right there. Go to my little Facebook page and if you're just here 'cause you, I don't know a keyword brought you to here, come follow me or don't. But it's fun. We have fun here. Um, I guess that's it. I will guy, I will guys, I will speak to you tomorrow. I'm so tired, y'all, I've been getting crap sleep this week. So excuse me if, if my words aren't blending together as usual, do they ever? No. My squirrel brain has me all over. Alright, love you guys. Put your deuces up, put your smooches up and I will see you in the next episode. Bye.

Ep 67 | 5 Amazing Ways to Heal Through Visualization

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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Christy Jade. Today we're gonna talk about five different ways to heal through visualization. I'm a very visual person, so this is one of my favorite ways. I love all the energy work, all the visuals. So fun. So stick around and we will talk about the details of five of the ways. There are so many out there, but these are five of my favorite. Speaker 2: (00:27)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:25)All right, so let's just dive into the five, not the only five, but some of the ways that you can heal through your visualization. Number one, very common, you'll see a lot of these on YouTube and just all the meditation apps, guided imagery for relaxation. So you know, after you've been through abuse, after you've been through anything traumatic, obviously you've, you're trying to reset that nervous system. So just getting relaxed first and foremost is really important. So practice guided imagery by creating a mental image of a peaceful or serene place. My go-to is the beach. I just, when I'm at the beach, I get automatically relaxed and I really try to take the senses in as well. So I'm visualizing, but also trying to imagine that salty air, maybe some squawking, seagulls, . Um, and imagine every detail, the colors that get really focused. So if you're imagining the waves in front of you, really focus on what color, is it a nice teal color? Speaker 1: (02:34)Is it garbage brown? Like ocean city, Maryland where I grew up, . Um, the sounds, the scents, like I said, the salty air, maybe some of that delicious funnel cake scent. Um, this alone, doing these visuals and including also the other senses, can help reduce stress, lower your blood pressure, which if you've been through some, you know that blood pressure pressure can rise really quickly and it just promotes a sense of calmness. Number two, cellular healing visualization. So for cellular healing visualization, you wanna visualize your body at the cellular level, imagining each cell, right? And obviously you don't have to go through your whole body, but body. But for whatever time increment you let yourself have, let's say you're gonna do a 20 minute meditation, just go up, maybe your leg, you can start, you know, from your crown chakra down, whatever way feels good for you. Speaker 1: (03:39)But imagine your cells on a cellular level, having them be vibrant and healthy and this higher frequency envision a healing energy surrounding and penetrating each cell. I'm very visual, so again, I imagine like a yellowish golden light surrounding the cells. Repairing and rejuvenating this technique can enhance the body's natural healing process. But I'll get up and boost the immune system. I just did that look it up because I was watching, uh, has anyone heard of kickball dad? I know this is a TA side tangent, but I'm a DD, so you can have fun with me. Or on the side for a second. This guy, kickball dad on TikTok, Instagram, whatever. And he's really hilarious, but he'll just sit in the middle of something. If he kind of goes off talking about something, he'll be, look it up, look it up. So go look that up about how this can truly repair and rejuvenate yourselves. Speaker 1: (04:46)It's a real thing. It's science. Okay, number three, positive outcome visualization. I've done this with a bunch of my clients. Like I said, I do mindset work, energy work, and visualization work as well. A lot of my clients, if they're visual people like me, really love these. And if you're listening to this, you might be too. So you wanna visualize a positive outcome for a specific challenge or situation, whatever you're in, right? So you can get specific with it. Picture yourself actually overcoming that obstacle and getting the desired outcome. Imagine not just visualizing, but also what does it feel like to have that right? This could either be for if something's going on that's negative, that you wanna turn positive or just a goal you have for yourself or dream you have. I did this with my coaching business. I literally forward visualized my life, imagining having a group on Zoom. Speaker 1: (05:47)This was during the pandemic, and I imagined having this group coaching container that I created. And so I imagined it, I visualized it, and I felt, what would that feel like for me to have that right? So that is really helpful. Um, focusing on that positive future can improve your mental attitude, your hope for it, because it's hard to imagine something if you haven't actually taken the time to sit and feel what it would feel like, right? And it can influence your actual physical wellbeing. If you are working toward trying to get over something in a health situation. Again, look it up. There are definitely articles to support situations like that where people have used their minds to overcome health obstacles. So there's all sorts of good things that can come from the po positive outcome visualization. Number four, this is always fun chakra balancing visualization. Speaker 1: (06:53)I, again, do energy work. I do reiki and that deals with the chakra system. You've probably heard if you are in yoga meditation, you've probably heard of the different chakras. And they are the energy centers in the body according to certain spiritual traditions, like each, I call 'em little wheels, right? But each wheel represents something in the body. So let's take for instance, like the crown chakra, right at the top of the head. That is its own little wheel connected to certain things. That's another, another episode. But you visualize each chakra as the spinning wheel of light. Any color you want, I'm always, I go to gold picture that energy flowing freely through each one, balancing harmonizing all the way down, right? We're going all down the chakras. And so it's going to, at the end, be balancing out your entire system. I do what I call a reiki zip up, and that's when in one session we kind of tune up all the chakras. Speaker 1: (07:57)Um, and other times if a person requests, I will do specific focus on one specific chakra the whole session, right? So let's say you're having a lot of sadness and um, maybe a grief or something, and it's really, your heart feels really heavy. Some clients will come and just say, I really just wanna focus on my heart, rebalancing my heart center, right? Something like that. So you can focus the vis visualization on those specific areas or the whole body that may need healing. Okay? All right. Here is the last one, not the last 'cause there's so many, but this is the last one we're talking about today, touching on, and you can always email me with questions. My email is in the show notes. And if you want to sign up for mindset, energy, healing, whatever coaching with Christie is, all the things, all the fun, all the healing , um, go check out my link in the show notes to see how to start that journey. Speaker 1: (08:57)So number five, healing light visualization. So this is where you imagine a healing light surrounding and permeating your body. This represents positive energy, love, and healing. And you picture it clearing away. I picture it just like kind of melting away. I go top to bottom, but on my crown track chakra starting there, melting away any tension, any negativity, right? And you're picturing it as just this beautiful glowing light. The the positive, the love is pushing out any of that toxic negative stuff that we have built up through the years of whatever we've gone through, right? This could be long term or this could be you just had a bad day, so you wanna melt the day away. It can work in both situations. And this similar to the chakra balancing, you can also just focus on one area. Even if you have like a physical pain focusing, a light visualization on, let's say your neck tension can help to get rid of that neck pain, right? Speaker 1: (10:05)Um, obviously when you do it with a practitioner, we know what we're doing, but you are capable of also learning and doing this. I myself, love going to other people to get this done too. I can do it all myself, but sometimes it's just really nice to have someone else do the work. Excuse me. Um, kind of do the work while you get to really be present. But in the moment, if you're having a moment, it's a great time to do any one of or multiple of these five examples of visualization work. So again, if you do want support with this, I can't tell you how epic energy and visualization work is. I love it. I'm here for it, , and I'm here for you for it. So again, my link will be in the, um, show notes, but this shouldn't replace just a reminder, it shouldn't replace all of your healing, right? Speaker 1: (11:04)This is supplemental. Or like in collaboration with, if you're really having a hard time, I always encourage you to do therapy or do mindset work with someone like me who has been through trauma, who's been through narcissistic abuse and can help you on that mindset level and is very familiar with what you've gone through. Um, so I do recommend doing both in collaboration with each other. Um, if you really are in a place you feel like you really need some deeper healing, and with me, what I love about my work is we, we make it fun. And I accelerate your healing. I mean, not accelerate it for you, but with you, I teach you how to accelerate that healing because I'm someone I don't like to sit in for a long time. I do not, right? We have this grand life to live and I found my way there and I found it quickly through all these methods, I learned all the information I have from learning about abuse and narcissism. On top of that mindset work, we have now this energy work, this somatic healing, which is healing from the body. Um, and it's just such amazing work. I wish I could reach more people and help everybody because it is so life changing. It's been so life changing for me, and I want it to be life changing for you. So let me know if you wanna work together and uplevel that queendom and I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Deuces!

Ep 66 | 5 Reasons to Stop Caring What People Think

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Ep 65 | 4 Signs You are Friends with a Narcissist

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm your host, Christy Jade, and today we are going to talk about discuss four signs. You are friends with a narcissist, dun, dun, dun. Um, sometimes with friendships we wanna skip over things 'cause we love them or we have history with them. But we're gonna get into this week what the signs are that you may have a narcissist as a friend. And next week we will discuss how that can be harmful to you. Pretty dang harmful. So stay tuned, we'll be right back. Speaker 1: (00:42)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:39)All right, let's dive in. Four signs. You are friends with a narcissist. So in my own life I have had friends, I can't diagnose anybody, but I've definitely had a friend or two with narcissistic tendencies. And to me, it doesn't matter if you label someone, oh, they are textbook narcissist, or they just have enough qualities of a narcissist that it's not healthy to be in a relationship. So I want us to get away from the idea of that we have to like, they have to have every single trait for it to not be healthy. Um, some of these traits I'm gonna discuss, I'm only only gonna talk about four. There's definitely more. But some of these, even having one of these could be unhealthy in a relationship, right? So you have to discern for yourself, is this trait in this person healthy for me? If this is something today we discuss that you have a friend with one or all of these traits, um, in my own life, those people, I really let them get away with a lot. Speaker 1: (02:53)Um, but that was also because I grew up as a child with a narcissist in my life. And so I was used to being treated poorly, um, dismissed, controlled, put down. Um, all of those things. We're not going gonna go into all of that. Maybe I'll share a bigger part of my story one day as an extra episode. But it's important to know if you grew up in that environment, that it's very likely that you may at attract. I wouldn't even say attract. Well, yes, attract in a way of you're, you may be in easier target because though the bigger part of this is that you will accept poor behavior because you may not even know any better. You may not know any different, right? So growing up I just thought that was just kind of part of how people treated people. I didn't, it took me getting into college, being away from family, um, having some healthier people pop up in my life that I realized like, wait, that was really jacked up, man, . Speaker 1: (04:06)Um, and even more time to truly see that it, it just wasn't, um, you know, it's not just physical, it's emotional, it's manipulative, it's all of those things. So if you can relate to any of this, whether it's in your past, in your childhood or in a current relationship, um, you, if you take poor treatment from people in your life, you may attract more people because it's easier for narcissists to manipulate people who have big hearts and are empathetic like, like us, right? That we do excuse things. We wanna look at the good. We want to not feel those bad things. 'cause we're, you know, for me, I'm a very happy go lucky person. I want to see people thrive. I want good for everyone. And that can sometimes blind us to, um, ironically putting ourselves last or in bad situations because we want to not squeak the wheel and not, you know, we walk on eggshells with certain people because we're afraid of upsetting them, right? Speaker 1: (05:21)With narcissist, that all comes from control and we'll get there. So let's dive in. Number one is lack of empathy. This is, uh, like a telltale sign. It's very common. This is how people define it. Oh, it's a lack of empathy. It's something that is very striking compared to us as empaths, right? They often struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings of others. If your friend consistently dismisses you, belittles your emotions, even if they write it off as joke. So one of the friends that I'm thinking of with some narcissistic traits, they would put me down a lot, but always with a joke and laughing. And this was also common in some of my extended family where it's just written off a, oh, I'm just joking. You're so sensitive. 'cause if you do get like, well, that's a little far. 'cause I have, I have very thick skin. Speaker 1: (06:21)I love to joke. I love sarcasm. I I'm that girl, I'm a tough girl. But they go deeper and they know your spots to push and they will put you down and often disguise it as a joke or just say you are being sensitive, right? And that, that plays into later like gaslighting, manipulation, that sort of thing. Um, but that could be a sign of a narcissist, right? There are other people who don't have empathy, but that's like a, a pretty telltale sign. And you don't always see it. If you're in a new relationship with someone, they may not show that. But eventually that comes out. Number two, the constant need for validation. So a huge thing with narcissists is they need attention. And it's not just like a simple, oh, I didn't get enough hugs. Like there's some people who are attention hungry. It's very deep seated. Speaker 1: (07:15)And if you don't know narcissists as much as they come off as confident and cocky, a lot of the times arrogant, deep, deep, deep, deep down of a narcissist is huge insecurities. But they can't even touch it. They don't even know that they don't. I mean, it is so buried under there, but that's why they have this mask. But they need that validation because they sse they are insecure. So if your friend constantly seeks admiration, approval, or praise, this can be shown, especially in their telling great stories about themselves. Like, oh, I did this. You wouldn't believe what happened. Often they will embellish their stories even further to get that satisfaction of attention. And, and they want that. Yes. Oh wow, great job. But like, they love that. And do we all have that, uh, to especially extroverts or more social, socially connected people? Do we all love a little round of applause? Yes. This is much deeper. And the key also is they become upset when they don't receive it. Speaker 1: (08:25)So think about that. They come very, they become very upset when they don't receive that attention, which is connected to the control. Number three. This is, this is the like, I don't know, I guess they're all huge, but to me this is such a big sign and something that really differentiates a healthy person from an unhealthy person. I don't care if you wanna call it narcissism or narcissism or not. To me, if someone is like this, I don't want 'em in my life. I don't need to label 'em. I don't care if they're narcissists, if they're a sociopath, if they're just a jerk, I don't care. Manipulative behavior. That's what we're talking about. Now, gaslighting, I have an episode that goes further into gaslighting. I can link. Um, but narcissists may engage. Most of them do, I would say most of them do. And manipulative tactics to control others. Speaker 1: (09:26)So if your friend tries to manipulate it again, they can paint it as joking and laughing and oh, do this for me, right? Uses guilt trips. Anyone who uses guilt trips on me is not allowed in my space. Like, I'm just done with that. I did a, I had a lot of guilt trips growing up. I had guilt trips with friendships in my later years. That is one thing, it just doesn't work. I mean, you might try it, but it's never gonna work on me. Like guilt trip just do not work. And they shouldn't work on you 'cause you're a queen, right? So they use situations for themselves, right? So it's like, if they want something, they're gonna try to find the closest people to them, whether that's their partner or their best friend, close friend, whatever. And they're going to try to manipulate it. Speaker 1: (10:18)Those people. So whatever they're trying to get works for them, right? They're not thinking how could this affect this person? They're really just trying to get everything to work in their favor and they will play mind games and they will make you even, this is part of the manipulation. And what I didn't realize till I was older was the 'cause narcissists will also try to make you feel very special. Oh, you're the only one who gets me. So a couple narcissists in my life, one family, one friend I can think of use very, this very similar tactic of you're the only one who really gets me. And they do this when they're trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you. It's not just like a random thought. So if you pay attention when they're trying to get something, whether it's attention control, trying to get you to help them in some way, they'll be like, well, I'm coming to you because you know, you're the only person who could really do this. Speaker 1: (11:20)Well, you're so good at this. So I thought of you first because you're amazing. But they're trying to get their way and it's a pattern. So again, if there's one-off things here and there, like is, can that be a real thing where you go to a friend like, you're good at makeup. Would you do my makeup for prom or something, right? Like a lot of my, I did makeup for my friends at prom and stuff, right? I'm not talking about that. That's like, you know, this is different. It's a pattern. It's in any situation they can use you for. They use people and they don't care. They pretend they care. And then later you find out they really don't. And it's this awful cycle, right? Of manipulation, guilt trips, they use you, they spit you out, they dismiss you, and then you're back on this quote pedestal. Speaker 1: (12:09)So if you know that's the abuse cycle, um, we're not here for that, right? Mm-Hmm. So that, that is a red flag. Manipulation is a red flag no matter how you wanna define it. All right? The fourth one we're gonna talk about again, there's many more. And if you work with me, we go through all of these things. So if you're interested in coaching with me, my information is always, always in the show notes. So check it out. Alright, last one, sense of entitlement. Narcissists generally have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and they believe they deserve special treatment. Look, I always say we're all special, okay? We are all special, we're all queens, but we are not more deserving or better than somebody else. That's the difference, right? Narcissists though, deep, deep down, we know their secret. They do not think they're special. They, and that's where so many people get confused. Speaker 1: (13:10)But it, to me, it doesn't matter. An a-holes an a-hole. So we're just not taking this treatment. But if you really wanna dig into the why and the how, deep, deep down they are really, really insecure and they're afraid to even look at that. So they have again, this mask. So they act like and expect special treatment. They have their selves convinced. So not to confuse you, I know it can get like what they ha in this life, in this body. A deep, deep down issue is in there, but they have themselves convinced that they are this amazing above other people. We're all amazing. So we won't say that. But above all others deserving. I'm so unique, no one knows how to do this or that one narcissist in my life. The biggest bragger, every conversation is about how they are so great at this and they did this. Speaker 1: (14:12)And I get free this and I do this. Like, I mean, it's just always, I don't, I mean I don't have them in my life anymore, but it is this just vomit of how great they are, right? And they expect people to bow down to them and they need to have that control. So if you notice your friend expects like preferential treatment and is like, oh, when you go out, they're like, oh, I, no, I can't have that. I need to have this. Right? Like, and that's a pattern that's, that's a red flag. Some people are just entitled 'cause that's how they grew up. But that is a narcissistic tendency and trait and it's not cute. And I don't wanna be anyone around anyone like that. Um, so like I said, a lot of these stacked together can equal a narcissist, right? But to me, any of these behaviors are gross and icky and I don't want any of 'em in a friendship, right? Speaker 1: (15:10)Um, watch how they treat other people, right? Some people, some of a narcissist can be very charismatic, right? But that can only last so long. They'll usually, it will show up in certain, um, certain situations. It does come out. If you, if you, the closer you are to them, the more you will see it, right? If you're first dating or you're like a kind of an acquaintance, you might be like, what? That person's great and their spouse might be living in pure hell, but they have this charisma or they're like, oh look, yeah, I'm great. And they do act polite. Let's say you're in a group outing. They may act really fun and whatever, and really nice to the wait staff and you know, but that wall has to come down at some point. So the piece people closer to them. And you may be like, oh, that's my husband or something, right? Speaker 1: (16:07)You might be listening like, yeah, he, they act like a different person in front of those that aren't as close, um, to put on this image. But they also, at the same time, as you get to know them better, they do expect people to bow down in general, right? And the closer you are, the further you're gonna bow not mean . Can I get a what? What, yes. We're not bowing down anymore. So whether or not your friend is a narcissist, if they have any of these traits level up, come on, trade 'em in. I'm telling you, when you free yourself of people that put you down, bring you down, make you walk on eggshells and worry if you don't do or say the right thing that they're going to dis discard you or just make your life hell. Or you just, you just have that fear of, oh, they're gonna get upset. Speaker 1: (17:08)Like that is no way to live with friendships, with family. I don't care who it is. You are better than that. You deserve, we all deserve better than that. And I'm not here for it. That's why I do this podcast, right? So if any of these are in your friendships, you can always have a conversation about it. But if they are, you're probably scared to, 'cause they're probably kind of an a-hole. So they're not gonna take any, um, ridicule or whatever you wanna call it. Well, you could try it as your last, let's, I've really, I've been with this person 10 years. We're friends, we're close. Try to have a conversation. You can, but people with these sort of tendencies, they lack that empathy. They're not gonna wanna see your side, right? The need for validation and control, they feel outta control. If someone's telling them something's wrong with them, God forbid they can't handle that manipulative behavior, they're gonna twist it around on you and say, somehow you cause something sense of entitlement. Speaker 1: (18:10)How dare you, who do you think you are coming to me? So the odds are the conversation could not go well. You can always try as your last resort to save a friendship. Sure. But it's a little warning. Speaking of which, I have a boundaries course. I just realized this is connects very well with this. I have an amazing boundaries course. I have a special price on it, so I'll put that in the show notes. Um, I have that as a special price right now because I just really want people to be able to get this. It's, you get to watch it on your own. Every week. A new video drips out. It's 10 videos. It is life changing. If you have people in your life who are like this and you wanna set boundaries, or maybe you want to walk away, but you want to try or moving forward. Maybe you've gotten rid of someone in your life like this, but you're afraid of attracting people that are similar. This course is for you. It's called Empowered Boundaries. I'll put it in the show notes. Um, and, and that's, that's all I got today. Let's do some affirmations. Take a deep breath in. I get passionate. I get all, whew, I gotta decompress for a second. Nice. One more deep breath in. Speaker 1: (19:29)I dunno, if you're driving, do not close your eyes. But if you are not, shut your little peeps hand to heart. If you feel like it and repeat after me. I deserve peace. I do not tolerate poor behavior 'cause I'm a queen. Yes, yes you are. You are a queen. I love you guys. I will see you in the next podcast. And if you're not following me on YouTube, follow me. 'cause we're about to uplevel. We're about to do some like mini trainings and recordings, some meditations, all sorts of fun stuff on my YouTube channel. I am, that's, I think is usually in the show notes too. But I will try to highlight it this week so it's easy to find, go follow me on there. Seriously, just about to be, get crazy , I can't talk. But other than that, it's, it's, it's about to get real. We're upleveling together and you deserve the best. You deserve peace and joy and to feel like a queen. So we can do that. All right, love you guys. See you in the next one. Bye.

Ep 64 | Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we are gonna talk about breaking the cycle after narcissistic abuse. What does that mean? Stay close. And I will let you know, Speaker 1: (00:15)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:12)Alright, so breaking the cycle after narcissistic abuse. This is for the people who have even overcome, in many ways narcissistic abuse. Maybe you're out of the relationship, but you still may have emotions, you may have negative thoughts, you may have things still attached to this abuse that you kind of wanna just white knuckle and just like run through and keep running and going through life. You have a lot of great things going for you and you don't want this holding you back anymore, right? But we're gonna dive into why you need to break that cycle and address it. And how, so number one, for your, uh, general emotional wellbeing. This is kind of an obvious one, but sometimes people don't realize how deep, really deep the abuse with narcissistic abuse specifically can go, right? It can lead to severe distress, it can cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. Speaker 1: (02:17)And sometimes when we're in narcissistic abusive situations, we think, especially if it's from childhood, we just think, oh, I just always had anxiety. I've always had depression. I've always, you know, been an overthinker over analyzer. That can be a result of abuse, right? A lot of the things associated with anxiety and depression can be caused by the trauma that narcissistic abuse causes, right? The low self-esteem. Same thing. So breaking this cycle allows victims to prioritize their emotional wellbeing and work towards that healing. Oh, the fun healing journey you're on. 'cause if you're on here, there's obviously some want for further healing. And I love that. Number two, I like this one. I like this one because one of the hardest things that I went through with my abusive, past narcissistic, abusive past was the control I feel like I lost. So number two is regaining control. Speaker 1: (03:22)Narcissistic abusers specifically often exert control. Not often. They always, I mean, anybody I know that has been under the narcissistic, narcissistic thumb as I'll call it, anybody who has been under that thumb, you know what it feels like to be controlled. You may have dismissed it for years. You may have, you know, made it seem like not that big a deal, or, oh, that's just them, right? We, we make excuses because a lot of people around these people will make excuses for them. Not here, not on the queen show, we're not doing that anymore. But they want control. That's one of the, they want attention and they want control. If they lose control, they flip out. So the thing is, with our, their victims, they are constantly controlling you to the point. Often we become dependent on that control. So what happens if you're gonna look at that at like a balance, right? Speaker 1: (04:24)One side, I've got the control. What happens? Your control goes way down. You start questioning everything. You start questioning even your own thoughts. You start questioning if you know what's good for you, what's bad for you, right? Because they have enmeshed themselves so much and vice versa that you can, depending on the situation, how close you are, that a lot of narcissistic abuse is between two people that are cohabitating, um, or dating or in very close relationships. Even best friendships. Even if you don't live together, you're so enmeshed that there is a very unhealthy codependence going on, and that includes control usually on one person's end, which is the narcissist. So by regaining your control through this healing, it enables you to reclaim your autonomy and regain control over your life. Again, not just over your life, but trusting yourself again and saying, oh, I'm starting to see what I want and don't want, right? Speaker 1: (05:28)All those little decisions every day that we make, um, in my experience, it, it took a long time to even realize I had lost this ability to be confident in my own decisions. So it's a very common thing. You're not alone. Take a breath. We're all in this together. Um, and also regaining that control helps you realize the choices you have Now as a free person, you have these choices and you get to decide that you're good enough to make that choice and have that thing and live that life. And that's, that's where I get real riled up. I I'm gonna do a whole episode on that. Um, number three, you know, I'm a boundary lover. I have a whole course on this and beaches, I am giving a major special pricing because I'm so passionate about this today, that I wanna give you guys a really good deal if you've been looking at it. Speaker 1: (06:27)And this is the time to buy. It is an incredible price. It is such high value. And setting boundaries on this journey is literally life changing. You wanna talk about breaking the cycle. So not, not just that. You break the cycle for yourself, which obviously is important. That's the most important, right? You have to break the cycle of letting people like this in your life of dating people like this, of having friends that are controlling, having friends that you have to walk on eggshells around having, you know, family, uh, get togethers and feeling like, oh, you're just going to excuse such and such as abusive behavior because you're still stuck in the cycle. You might get away from one narcissist and still accept the behavior of another. So as a whole, we need to set these boundaries. Number three, setting boundaries so important. So, um, breaking the cycle involves setting and enforcing, right? Speaker 1: (07:29)So you have to first kind of evaluate the boundaries that you want. And that takes some deciding. Once you have that confidence going, Hey, I know what I want. I know this doesn't feel right in my body. And that gives you a big hint on what you do want and what your boundaries can be made from, right? And then you enforce, you have to actually enforce it, right? , which is crucial for maintaining a sense of self and protecting that emotional space we talked about in number one. So again, like walk, do not run to this boundaries course of mind. It is my baby. I love it. It, it will help you in so many ways. You, if you want to be able to break the cycle, this is like my secret ingredient to breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse in your life. It is, I mean, like, it's the, it's the meat and potatoes of the meal, okay? Speaker 1: (08:26)There's gonna be some spices and other little things you can do. We'll talk about those. But this is like the big, big important ingredient that you deserve to have. And I walk you through it, all of it. It is a video series. You can watch it at your own pace and I walk you through it. I handhold you and I'm here if you have questions, you can find me on Instagram or email me, my email's always in the show notes. I want to help you and walk you through setting boundaries so you can break the cycle for your new epic freaking life. All right? Number four, rebuilding that self-esteem. Oh, narcissistic abuse can erode your self-esteem. Can I get a what, what anyone? Yeah. And that self-worth, uh, mine was the word that comes up for me is like capable. Like I was made to feel like I was not capable and I was not interesting or not, um, what's the word? Speaker 1: (09:29)I mean, capable always comes to mind with my situation, right? Like I was just to ma made to feel that just I wasn't capable enough. I wasn't smart enough that, that whole thing, right? So valuable, worthy, all those words come up for narcissistic abuse victims. Um, so breaking free allows survivors to focus on rebuilding that self-esteem and creating this positive self-image of yourself. And I promise it can happen. I have a much better, um, image of myself now than I did years ago. Um, and it took realizing that, that I had it, uh, or self-image. I didn't even realize how bad of a self-image I had really for years starting to really go on this journey. I put a mirror up to myself, which you do when you're healing, right? And you're like, wow, wow. I really, I have a lot of negative talking to myself. Speaker 1: (10:25)I think these thoughts about myself, where did that come right? Do you think back? You do all the, the retroactive talking to yourself and having someone talk at you, it's like this again, it comes with enmeshment, right? Someone's telling you all the time who you are, what you're not, and you start to have those thoughts is my point. Okay? So rebuilding self-esteem in number five, this is the big one we're talking about breaking that cycle, not just for yourself. And I have a DD so I totally jumped and forgot to go back to this. But also if you are a parent, I know a lot of, there's a lot of moms in, in my little following. Um, you want to break the cycle for your children as well or for the people around you. It could be for your friends being a better role model when you're more positive and you have more light in general, right? Speaker 1: (11:20)You know those people, they're more positive and uplifting. They make everyone around them feel better, right? So join that club 'cause we're queens. We don't have time to be to be on that other end, right? So preventing further harm, that's basically number five. So you're learning these boundaries. You're building your self-esteem. You've got your control and your desires back on your terms, right? So narcissistic abuse can lead to long-term arm, but I want you to remember it does not have to be forever and so much can be undone. So breaking that cycle is a crucial step in preventing that further damage, right? So if you're out of this situationship or whatever right now that you were in, congratulations, I am so proud of you. There's all this healing. But we can do it, we can do it in sparkle by sparkles. That's what I always call it, right? Speaker 1: (12:21)Little by little sparkle by sparkle. This doesn't have to feel so hard. It doesn't. We can do it at your own pace. Trust yourself. Start to get to know yourself and how it feels and moving forward, you're going to be able to prevent further harm from being done. 'cause we've already, we've had our hurt. We're done. Come on. That's my hands slapping it away. We don't want it anymore. We're done with it. I refuse to take the I took before I refuse. So on that note, okay, let's wrap it up. So obviously if you've got a lot going on, you need a therapist or a life coach. If you're gonna do a life coach, please make sure it's someone who knows about narcissistic abuse. Like myself. If you wanna work with me, I'll put in the show notes too, how to work with me. One-on-one, okay? But it, it's great to have support during this journey if you don't already. Okay? I'm gonna end with that, but I wanna go into some, um, affirmations here because I'm feeling like we need it. Like we need to remind ourselves who we are ourselves, okay? Take a deep breath in your nose and exhale out your mouth. Speaker 1: (13:39)We're gonna do three. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Getting grounded. Okay, now I want you put your hands on your heart if you're in a space to do so. If you're driving, don't put your hands on your heart. That could be lead to bad things. Keep 'em on the wheel. . Just listen. If you are not, put your hands on your heart and repeat after me. I am better than I was treated. I will not tolerate or treatment anymore 'cause I'm a queen. Alright? I am so proud of you guys even for listening to this podcast. And please, this boundaries course will change your life and it is an insane price right now for the value. So beneficial. And it's just perfect for this podcast related to breaking the cycle because like I said, it is that secret ingredient that's no longer secret to you, okay? Speaker 1: (15:00)Of setting those boundaries. But there are secrets within, within the course, things you might not even think of when you're trying to evaluate and set boundaries. And it's fun. I mean, I'm hosting it, it's gotta be fun, right? And again, reach out if you have questions about it. Um, so I'll put that link with your special pricing in the show notes. And I'll also put like my one-on-one, how you can work with me. If you wanna get that like super, like I'm ready for like a major up level. You can slide in over there and check out my um, one-on-one offers. And I hope y'all are having a great week. Love you. Let's do our smooches and our deuces. I will see you in the next episode.

Ep 63 | Emotional Healing Through Decluttering & My Declutter Challenge

Decluttering has become such buzz word a hot topic. Marie Kondo really exploded it. But her style is too overwhelming for people who have gone through trauma. I have found a great technique that works wonders for people like you and I who already have overwhelm and need to do things bit by bit AKA sparkle by sparkle! So let's talk about how my declutter technique actually helps HEAL more than your home!
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello? Hello. Today we are going to talk about decluttering. This is something I've been dabbling with leading on my YouTube channel for years. It is one of the things I do that, uh, people get a little excited about. So I was like, why don't I do a lovely little podcast about the relation between decluttering and healing. So that's what we're gonna talk about. So stay close, and if you're on YouTube, you can stare at my face as I talk. And if you're on podcast, here's my voice. Hello. And you podcasters get a special little intro. Do, do, do. Speaker 1: (00:46)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kinda lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:43)But now we're back from the intro. Alright, so like I said, we are going to dive into decluttering for emotional healings today. Now decluttering, it's, it's become such a, I don't know, like a hot word, hot topic. Marie Kondo really exploded it. Ali Caza, who is one of my actual mentors, um, also really became, well, well-known for her declutter course, and then she became a bestselling author with her book called Declutter Like a mother that I highly recommend. And she's amazing. Um, and it just has become such a thing because it can have so many benefits besides the obvious just decluttering your space. So I wanted to talk about, for people who have gone through trauma or just are overwhelmed at a really deep level where overwhelm leads their life and they have high anxiety or depression, your space can get out of, can get out of control, right? Speaker 1: (02:51)So decluttering can have many positive effects on the mental and emotional wellbeing, which contributes to healing. So your healing journey, if you're listening to me on my normal podcast about narcissism and abuse and how to make life better in general, you're someone who is probably on a healing journey or getting there. So here are some reasons why decluttering can be beneficial. And we might have a follow-up episode with this. Um, depending on how well it's received. If, if the people wanna hear more about decluttering, let me know. So first of all, the obvious one I think most of us know is reduced stress, because clutter in your living space can create visual chaos and can contribute to feelings of o overwhelm. Not everybody has this, but a lot of people who already feel overwhelmed and anxious. This can definitely happen to, if your space is cluttered and there's a lot of just things that ever, basically every item you have, you have to manage. Speaker 1: (03:58)So if you're someone who's overwhelmed, you're already feeling overwhelmed by decision fatigue, just making all sorts of decisions and actions. Maybe you're juggling your work, your home life, your kids, your friendships, travels, whatever. There's, there's a lot of balls we have in the air, especially I know a lot of you are moms like I am. So when you have that more organized, serene environment, it can reduce the stress and promote that sense of calm that we're striving for, right? A lot of us are like, I just wanna have calm. I wanna feel like I have my together. And when your house is, for me, I, this goes hand in hand. I am so tied to my environment, like hands down. I used to say to my mom, like, you'll know how my week's going. If you look at my room when I was like a teenager, right? Speaker 1: (05:00)Like having a good week, it was kind of tidy, feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. It was reflected in my environment. I think that's pretty common. So that can also though be like chicken and egg, where by doing these declutters, I'm actually doing a declutter challenge on my YouTube right now. It's a 30 day challenge. So if you're on my YouTube, go check those out. If you haven't, if you are not on my YouTube, go find me. I'm Christy Jade, C-H-R-I-S-T-Y, Jade. And you'll see my declutter series has started, and I have previous past Declutters on there too. Um, but I do declutter in a dash and I do that for people like myself and others like me that get overwhelmed easily. And the Marie Kondo ain't working because we don't, we cannot, we don't have the capacity to pull out an entire wardrobe, lay it on our bed and pretend we're gonna actually get that done quickly and we're gonna end up having to sleep in the guest room, right? Speaker 1: (06:06)Like, I don't have the capacity to do these huge overhauls. Occasionally I'll do one if I'm in that spirit of life, but, but it's rare. These mini declutters are where it's at for people like us. It is, I'd say 10 to 30 minutes tops is ideal. And that's also including the time you take to, um, allocate the items that either go to the trash or giveaway or to like another room, right? So anyway, I'm getting sidetracked here, but I, that's kind of like the intro into it is, yes, it reduces stress. This, this is how and why, and in these mini sessions is the best way for people like you and I to do this, right? If you have an, a big chunk of time and a big chunk of money, it's great if you can have someone come in and like redo everything in a few days. Speaker 1: (07:04)But the everyday person doesn't have that. Okay? Number two, another way that decluttering helps is improved focus and productivity. Productivity. I always say that word, word anyway, because a clutter-free space allows you to focus better on the tasks. Again, I will work from home. If I'm sitting there either on the phone with a client or typing up doing all the backend stuff that I do for my business, and there's a pile of laundry to the right of me on a chair, where is my attention gonna be? It's gonna be split. So it's so important to keep things decluttered and keep up with, um, cleaning routines, which I, if you guys want me to, um, I will also, you can email me, my email's always in the show notes. You can email and ask me my cleaning routine right now. It is just, it's awesome. Um, it, it's very helpful for keeping up with it with cleaning and laundry. Speaker 1: (08:11)Laundry is a big one. Oh, okay. Knocking stuff over. So you're less likely to be distracted by the mess, which can lead to increased productivity, right? And that sense of I've accomplished something. So that is number two. Number three, enhanced emotional wellbeing. As I talked about, physical clutter can be often a reflection of your mental clutter. So sorting through your, and organizing your belongings. That's why I was saying the chicken and egg right can help you process and release emotional attachment to objects. And again, this is a process, but it can be cathartic. Um, I've done it even with, let's say in the past, like when I had like ex-boyfriend stuff, you know, I had a little bin of, you know, the cards and mementos and stuff and it was like, I wasn't excited to do it, but when I finally did it and released that quote clutter, it did help release, right? Speaker 1: (09:19)Because I don't have that in my space anymore. The, I'm a big energy person, if you don't know that about me, and even knowing it's in my space is taking up some, some of that emotional space, that emotional clutter, because I don't need from my ex-boyfriend if I'm not with my boyfriend, right? I even did it with an old friend. We had a little box that were cheesy butts, um, of cards and just same type of thing, tickets. And yeah, there were some good memories, but, um, she wasn't so kind to me in the end. And so there was a, they were tainted anyway. And so I released those and just having that out of my space. And I know that's, you know, like past this and that. But there can also be things like, um, let's say like things with negative associations. Like let's say you're a prom dress, you just hold onto it for nostalgia. Speaker 1: (10:21)But whenever you see it in your closet, let's say you have in your closet, it's just in the back there and it's like, oh, nostalgia. But let's say you've gained some weight. I just know this has happened to some people. I've had client that held onto a lot of clothes from the past and she'd gained weight and it was a reminder, like every time she looked at it, she'd feel bad about herself. And I'm like, girl, first of all, that was like 20 years ago. We've all grown and you are a new you and that is holding you back. And we don't wanna feel stuck, right? I'm like, antis, stuckness. That's what all my coaching is about. We don't wanna be stuck. We want to be living in the now and looking forward to the future, creating the future we want. So does staring at things that are, have negative feelings, like listen to your body, booboos, you're looking at something in your closet and it makes you feel bad, get rid of it, right? Speaker 1: (11:18)So that's another kind of angle on the emotional wellbeing aspect. Number four, clear reminded, this goes hand in hand kind of with, I was saying you're working from home or just in general, but a tidy space often does translate to a clearer mind. And when you remove the clutter, you may find it easier to think clearly. So besides being a distraction, like you're looking at that laundry pile, I do again, believe in the energy of when there's a bunch of chaos around. It is harder for me to think, even if I'm not looking at it, even if I'm staring at my screen. It's kind of just knowing it's there and feeling this like chaotic energy around, right? So decluttering is creating a more harmonious and positive environment. I noticed that just today I took down my, I had a bunch of Christmas stuff up and we took, you know, we took it down like a week ago or something. Speaker 1: (12:14)Um, but I, I have felt more at peace in my living room. I love Christmas. I love Christmas decor, but with a child, the decor got a little outta hand and she likes all little things and plays with them. I'm like, I know I'm gonna miss this one day. So I take it all out. But it felt so calm having so much less stuff around after the holiday, clear out, you know, number six, increased self-esteem. So actually accomplishing the task of doing the decluttering, that alone can build your confidence and self-esteem. I know it does for me. I'm like, look at me. Go look at me. Declutter the crap outta my kitchen. Go ahead girl. Getting rid of all those VAEs yesterday. Um, it shows that you have the ability to take control of your surroundings, which sometimes we feel like we're out of control. Speaker 1: (13:08)Like we don't have control. Like we don't have our together. So even that's what I love. I'm very immediate satisfaction and I know a lot of my followers are too, right? I tend to attract people like myself. That's a thing with a lot of, I don't know what you call me, I don't wanna say I'm an influencer, but like whatever a a, I'm a vibe . No, but I'm, I'm in a public space, right? And a lot of times you will attract people that are like you. So knowing what I know from talking to my followers, my subscribers and just knowing how the world works with when you follow people, it's 'cause you resonate usually, right? Um, it, I think we have this love the dopamine hit of like doing something quickly and feeling accomplished and good about it. Like, yes, I did that and not having it take, you know, two months to, to complete. Speaker 1: (14:04)That's why I love these quick declutters. 'cause it's like, yes, I did that look, yes. Ooh, I cleared out a a drawer in like seven minutes and I have like, you know, a third more space and that feels good and I did that and I can, it's like a reminder. I can take control of things even if it's little by little, right? Because that can, that's a whole other story. But that can relate to, and that's how I do my coaching as well. We can't do everything at once, but little by little it really feels better than you might think. And you, it's like a snowball effect where the, the more you do those little by little, the bigger the impact, the bigger the effect. And it's amazing. And that's why I love coaching. 'cause it's so fun to watch people grow so quickly. Um, but it is kind of, I call it sparkle by a sparkle. Speaker 1: (14:55)So that self-esteem will rise. Number seven, space for new beginnings. La la la. So decluttering can be symbolic of letting go of the past, like I mentioned, and making room for new. And this is, this is your environment. This is also decluttering those nasty, toxic people outta your life. That, that was like a benefit I had of when I kind of decluttered a lot of, not just physical, but just I did a lot of work emotionally years ago. And it was, it was hard, but, but distancing from toxic anything or chaotic anything, environment people. Um, I did a lot of it and it was like a lot to handle 'cause it was a lot at once. But I will say holy cannoli, yeah, I said holy cannoli, the space it opened up for new people that I didn't even know. Like, such empowering, uplifting women even existed honestly, that were like, that I had access to. Speaker 1: (16:04)If that makes sense. You know, you see women like motivational speakers or whatever, these, you know, people that seem far off, but these are like real life everyday women that I have become friends with. And I would not have had the open space if I wouldn't have taken out the toxic people out of my life. And it's similar, right? With decluttering. I mean that's a tip in general, that's always a tip for me. But talking about our physical space, same thing. Clear out what is not working for you, right? You get rid of those nine pairs of old pants that you just don't fit in and they make you feel bad. Get rid of those and maybe go get yourself a couple pairs of cute new pants that make you feel good, that fit you now. And you're looking in the mirror and you're like, Gina, I do still got it. Speaker 1: (16:53)Okay. Um, so the space for new beginnings, I love that. And last, there's, there's more benefits, but I'm gonna wrap it up with number eight, better physical health. So a clutter, flee, flea. Flea, a clutter-free environment can be easier to maintain and clean. So first of all, the time you get back, I just wanna throw that, that's kind of, that's physical health related to in a way, but it's also, it's separate. The time you get back is insane. The less you have, the less you have to clean and manage every single item you have to manage. Imagine, think about all the items you have in your house. Picture 'em. Gosh, like that's, that for me is a reminder. Whenever I feel like, oh, I don't know if I wanna get rid of this. I do sit and think about Christie, think about all the stuff you have. Speaker 1: (17:44)Imagine all of it. That's so overwhelming to think about. This will feel good to just get rid of it. Get rid of it, right? So all the things that are not working for you, that means they are working against you, that's against your health. Also. The more stuff you have, the less clean, the more allergens you have. I know that for a fact when I lived in a one bedroom apartment with all wood floors and barely anything in it, my allergies were not as bad as when I moved in a house with a bunch of carpet and accumulated a lot of stuff. Uh, huge difference, right? And just creating like a healthier living space, right? And I will say this, when I do these declutters, I get more steps in getting those steps in through decluttering, organizing. It's, I don't know, it's my like hyperfocus right now. Speaker 1: (18:40)And I love it because I'm getting my steps in on top of my workouts. I'm gonna dance class, um, aiming four times a week and it's a great free way to get a workout, right? You're going from room to room. Like you can make it more time. I know we're doing the declutter in a dash, but that's 10 minutes of some sort of physical activity. And if you wanna go for 30, you wanna go for an hour 'cause you have the time that day or you wanna allocate that time, say, oh, I could do that. That could be in my workout dance while you're doing it. You know, I do. I mean, not on camera 'cause you couldn't hear me, but when I clean and I organize on my own, declutter on my own, I jam out and dance and bop around. So burn, burn, baby burn. Speaker 1: (19:30)So remember, the process of decluttering is personal and the benefits do vary from person to person. Oh, someone's beeping me. Um, it's not just about tidying up the physical space, but creating the mental and emotional space, right? It's all intertwined. And I know it's not easy, but what I always try to do with my clients in my coaching world with decluttering, whatever it is, is I'm trying to help make life more fun. At the end of the day, I want life to be simpler and fun for you and decluttering, doing it in a dash, I hope is feels lighter for you and that you can look forward to it and say, oh, I, I got 10 minutes. I gotta a half hour instead of like, these major overhauls that are so overwhelming. And maybe we have the energy to do that sometimes, and that's cool. Speaker 1: (20:32)But if you are like me, I do not have that often. And these, I do get excited to do these with you guys and I just love doing this declutter challenge and I might continue it or I don't know, you'll, you guys, I'll get your feedback toward the end of it. Um, if you want me to continue or do a new challenge, like an organizational challenge. But it's, it's very freeing feeling and it's simple. It's, you know, it's just, and when you get into that daily habit, it's so helpful. So again, if you're on YouTube watching me, just go to my channel where you already are and um, watch my declutters subscribe if you're not subscribed. And if you are listening and you didn't even know I had a YouTube channel surprise, I have YouTube channel and I do, I don't know, I do random. Speaker 1: (21:22)I'm random Christie. So I do declutters, I do makeup videos. I might start a series on Wednesday nights of past dating stories. I thought that would be fun. My husband thought that was like a grand idea. He actually, I think he gave it to me when I was telling dating stories because I have crazy, insane dating stories. So that could be fun. Um, but yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm just me just living my best life, trying to have fun, keep things peaceful and simple, but have fun doing it right, like healing. I love a good heel. Healing can be fun too. So if you're looking for help in that area, on the emotional side, I am a light. I don't like to even say life coach. I need to find a new name for myself. But basically, especially if you've been through some stuff and you're just not feeling good and you want that sparkly life, that just joy. Speaker 1: (22:16)Like we're not, we're not looking to be, you know, queen of the entire world, but we're queens. That's my thing. We are queens and we should treat ourselves like queens. Other people should treat us like queens. I'm not saying 'cause we're better. We're all deserving. God created us right? As these people who should not be, um, what's the word I'm looking? Suffering basically, right? Like we should, he doesn't want us to suffer every day. He's sky daddy. That's why I call him Sky Daddy wants us to live our purpose. And if you're not a God person, that's cool. It's your higher, higher person. What's it called? Your higher self, right? What's your higher self want? And there's so many ways to help heal yourself. And I do believe decluttering. It sounds so weird. Like, oh, decluttering is healing, but it truly is. And I can vouch for it because whenever I do it, I feel such a dopamine hit and that like, like I said, this accomplished. Speaker 1: (23:21)Like, yeah, I did it. You know, I'm doing the thing even if it's bit by bit. Um, so thank you for listening. If you're on audio, hello. Hello. Come join my YouTube and if you can see my face, hi. I can't even see my face. I don't even have my thing on right now. There we go. I couldn't see 'cause I had my notes to the side. I gotta keep notes. I have a DDI need some notes up in here. So I hope you enjoyed this podcast. And like I said, you have, you have the my email address. The email address fierce mama C at gmail that's in the podcast notes. So shoot me a note, say hi. The links to How to Work with me, ways to work with Me are always in the show notes. So check those out and say hi on YouTube. All right, Bibo boo, I love you. Are we gonna do, we're not gonna do, um, 'cause I think this is running long. How long is this? It doesn't say, I feel like this is long. So we're not gonna do affirmations this one, but I will try next time. Okay. Excuse me. Pardon me. Love you. So smooches and deuces. I will see you in the next episode. Speaker 2: (24:29)Ah.

Ep 62 | 5 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays After Disconnecting from Family or Loved Ones

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is almost Christmas. For those of you who celebrate, we have been kind of touching on the holiday season and today we are gonna talk about five ways to enjoy the holidays after disconnecting from a family member or loved one. So stay tuned. We will dive in. Speaker 1: (00:24)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:21)Alright, so first and foremost, I know it is very difficult to disconnect from someone in general, especially a narcissist. They know how to make it all worse somehow. And especially at holiday season, it can be really tough, especially if this is your first holiday slash Christmas without them. So we're gonna talk about five ways that can help you get through it a little easier. I'm not gonna say it's gonna be so easy if you do these things, but it can lighten the load a little bit. Number one, this was very important for me. Surrounding yourself with as many people as you can who love you, uplift you and support your decision. Often when we disconnect from narcissists, they usually have people, we may have people in common that can guilt trip us, make us out to be the bad guy because the narcissist may have smeared our name or done whatever they do, right to um, alter people's opinions of us. Speaker 1: (02:34)They will lie, they will do whatever they need to do so they look like the good guy, right? So the trick here is to try to use those blinders with the haters. So this is kind of going in hand in hand with surrounding yourself with the people that are actually there for you and supportive of you. It's also keeping the people that are not away from you. That should be always, but especially at holiday time. Whatever you can do if you have to block people on social media, block 'em. I've blocked a lot of people and at first it was kind of tough. It felt weird. It felt like, oh great, now I look like even more of an a-hole. But I knew I had to do that for my own peace. And we are here to protect our peace first and foremost for ourselves, for our immediate family. Speaker 1: (03:24)Or you know, if you have children, that was a big thing for me. I want my daughter to have peace and if something is going to mess with my peace, it's kind of a domino effect where it can affect the people around you. So smash that guilt coin. Squish it, squish it and wish it. Alright, so building that support system going into the holiday. And if I know some of you do have to be at actual dinners, Christmas exchanges, whatever, with someone you may not be talking to or you are trying to have limited conversations, also go to, I forget what number it is, oh episode, it's on the Gray Rock Method. I'll try to remember to link it in the show notes. But the gray rock method, you can search my name and Gray Rock Method, um, the name of the podcast in Gray Rock Method. Speaker 1: (04:09)It'll come up. But it helps you if you don't know how to navigate a narcissist, if you have to have contact with them, the gray rock method is the best way to go. So let's say you're in this situation at a dinner, at a Christmas exchange that will help you know how to navigate it. Um, so that's another thing to just throw in there. I know some people you are, you feel like you are stuck and you have to, um, and if you are in that situation that can really help you deal with it. But keep just quick tips on that. Keep your time limited, keep your emotions out of it. Very short answers if at all. If there has to be a conversation, yes or no. And make sure that you always have your own way to get in and out of somewhere because you have permission to remove yourself from any situation at any time. Speaker 1: (05:08)Get up, get out, say deuces. Okay, number two, creating new traditions. So sometimes when we've either been in a romantic relationship with somebody or it's someone who is our child, our parent, our sibling, we not, we aren't just grieving the loss of a person, even though we're doing it for our benefit, it's still a loss. It's still something we have to grieve and go through the process of grieving. On top of that, we grieve holidays, we grieve traditions that we did that you know, there are some obviously bad memories with these people, but then there may be some good memories. There may be some holiday traditions that you did and loved. So creating new traditions that could be with yourself, that can be fun. Hey, 30 miracle on 34th Street in my pajamas with some popcorn. Yes. Um, or, and or also creating traditions with other loved ones like those people in your support system that we talked about. Speaker 1: (06:09)Um, and if you don't have a support system, I'm telling you the online world is amazing. There are support groups for all the things. So you can go and search for people online if you don't have a group of friends or support near you right now. Alright? So creating those new traditions with those new people. And if you meet an online friend, you guys could even do, what do they call it? There's some app where you can like watch movies together, like from different parts of the world. I think it's so cool. Um, and you can like chat and whatever through it. I just think that's neat. So there's an idea you could make that kind of a holiday tradition. Alright, number three, you know all about that Self-care life using the holidays in general is like, there's so much chaos. It's like an automatic good excuse for self-care. Speaker 1: (07:06)And when you are feeling down, when you have disconnected from somebody and you're having a hard time, it's really important to prioritize yourself, you know? And sometimes that can be hard though. Easier said than done it sounds like. Okay. Yeah, that's great. So you do have to get that momentum. Do the, what is it called, five second rule, Mel Robbins, her little trick, the five second rule where you count down from five and just like do the thing, just get up. I always do it for the gym. I'll be honest, I'm not like a gym rat. I have to kind of force myself. I love it when I'm there, but it's like getting that momentum. So I use that where I put my shoes right next to my bed. So it's just like a boom, get up, go to the gym. So I go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Speaker 1: (07:54)Get up. Just get up. Like that's a no matter what, you have to get up. So it take, it can take some training, but there are little tools and you can always, there's so much free information on Google. If you really wanna be happy and you aren't that self-motivated, you can definitely get support. We'll go into that at the end here 'cause I love to help supporting people like this. But there is help out there. There's therapists, there's coaches, there's people that can help you. Um, but if you have that self-motivation, do the five second rule and look on Google. That was where I was going. I squirrel to my brain went squirrel. But if you go to Google, you can find so many free tools of how to motivate yourself. There's a lot of different ways and methods, all of that, just like the five second rule is one that came to my mind that I use myself. Speaker 1: (08:49)Um, so what does self-care look like? There's so many ways. Obviously exercise is great. Getting in your body is, it's just so beneficial to get out of your head and into your body. That is my, the best way I get out of my own anxieties or worries is going literally like into the body dancing. If you've been following me while, you know I love to dance, I dance all the time. But reading, taking long walks, practicing any hobby, painting, whatever. Take up a new dang hobby or do a spa day. If you are disconnected, let's say you are feeling lonely. Do something nice where you can sit, read with a book cup of coffee and then go take a little half day at the spa. You deserve it. You're a queen. So taking care of yourself during this time period, and especially if you have gone through narcissistic abuse or you have disconnected from someone and you're just struggling, this is a really great way to obviously take care of yourself. It's self-explanatory, self-care. But I understand sometimes it's a hard to get that little nudge in your butt. So getting support is very important as well as looking up ways to help motivate yourself. You gotta help yourself to help yourself. Number four, I put a number one up if you're watching me on video. You see, I don't know my numbers today. Number four is practicing gratitude. Speaker 1: (10:23)My best friend, well I don't know why I have a weird accent now. My best friend says this is her. She uses gratitude as a weapon. And I get it. It's like when something hard comes at you, if you can muster up. And sometimes we feel like we can't, but there's always something to be grateful for. There is. That's just a fact. It's just are we allowing ourselves to see it? To marinate in it. If you're having a really day or time, it might be hard, but you know, there is something if you can just grab one thing, it can lift you a little bit. One thing you are grateful for. And then challenge yourself to write down. I'm big on pen and paper. Y'all writing down gratitudes rather than just saying them. I feel in my experience are it's more beneficial. But reflecting on those positive aspects of your life, writing them down, it could be as small as that chocolate covered cherry was epic and made me just burst with joy last night, night. Speaker 1: (11:27)Okay, I don't know, I don't know what you're eating in your late night, your late night hurrah. Um, my personal favorite right now is apple cider ice cream. Oh no. Apple pie ice cream. It's so good. By the way. Little, a little thing if you're a wet brand, hold on. Oh, it's called ala mode, right? Little commercial. I'm not sponsored ala mode. Please sponsor me and send me all the free ice cream. Um, but there is a brand, especially if any of you have allergies or your children have allergies. Alamo is like an allergen friendly place in New York. You have to order in bulk, but that's okay 'cause it's delicious. Apple pie is like the best flavor ever, but they have really good flavors, okay? Into our non fake commercial aspect. So being grateful for that ice cream. Maybe it's something big. Maybe you got a promotion, but you're so focused on your relationships, you're just not feeling that excited. Speaker 1: (12:23)Really focus on that. Like close your eyes, feel it in your body, you know, like where you were and where you are now despite what's going on. We can always find something. We can always find something. So you can even start a gratitude journal that every morning and every night, preferably you write in. Um, when I started my whole, I don't know, healing journey, that is something I did. Now I should do it every day still, but I don't. I do it here and there when I'm feeling like it. Um, but it is a great way, it's a great weapon as my friend says. All right, last but definitely not least, you know, I love boundaries and I am actually giving 10% off of my boundaries course. Yeah, you heard it. Boundaries. It's the B word. My boundaries course 10% off for you guys. So I will put a link in the podcast notes for the boundary. Speaker 1: (13:23)I'm trying to think if I can do coupon code. I'm on a doing a new system for my courses and I just decided to do this today. So I don't have it set up, but I will figure it out and put a link to it there in the information. But my boundaries course is awesome and this is so important, so important to set. Well establish what your boundaries are and really like a quick zip. Some people are like, I don't even know what my boundaries are. How to set boundaries. A really quick, quick, this is like the quickest, most surface level thing I can do with this at this moment. But for the podcast sake, I'll try doing. I do a hell yes, hell no list. It's even in my course and I go into like a lot more detail on it. But the hell yeses in your life and the hell nos. Speaker 1: (14:15)And starting with let's say something that's a hell no. That you wanna make a hell yes. Our goal is to get those hell nos into the hell yes side, right? Like all the things that are not aligned and not working in your life. How can we get those over to the hell? Yes. So a really quick surface level one to start set, start setting your boundaries. 'cause you, if you don't set boundaries, you probably have many to do, but take a little, a little sparkle by. A little sparkle, okay? So the first thing you write, just write out a few, don't overwhelm yourself. All right, we got time, we got time. Write just a couple boundaries maybe at the most five to start. I mean the hell yes and hell no, right? So what are five things that work, five things that aren't working. Speaker 1: (14:59)Let's say one thing that's not working is, um, your mother's very overbearing and you still feel like a child around her and she tells you what to do and dah, dah, dah. I don't know, I'm just grabbing one with like a one. I have heard that's more common than you may think from clients of mine, right? Like they're mothers are overly involved in their lives and sometimes they still feel like children. That's a boundary to set, right? So let's say that's a hell no. The the way to get it into the hell yes is to start setting boundaries around that. Not saying, Hey, get rid of your mom, cut her out. That is not our goal here with this. The, I mean, if it's a pattern and gets abusive, right? Whatever, that's a whole other episode. But let's say, you know, it's just a lot of moms, they're used to, you know, you're their kid, but at a certain age we're like over it. Speaker 1: (15:55)Like, all right, look, I'm a bird, I'm flying, just let me go. Um, so you could set a boundary around that, right? Like it could be either a talk with her or setting, maybe you don't answer the phone every time. Let's say she calls like 5 million times a day, you don't answer the phone, stuff like that. Okay? Um, that is maybe not the best example, but I'm just on a whim here. And , I don't plan my podcasts, right? I don't plan them out. And that's why when you work with me, we get more time to really think about, think about these things and customize it for you. So I'm just thinking of a random example I thought of that I know at least three women that of my clients had issues with their mothers being way too involved in their lives and the, and even their parenting, like over advising on how they were parenting their kids, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (16:54)So setting boundaries, right? So that's a quick way you can start to set boundaries to just give you a like a little tool. Um, but my boundaries course I will give you 10% off. That'll be a limited time. Um, I'm actually raising the price next year. So rabbit wallet, ah, yes, it is 10 prerecorded videos. They're dripped out once every week so you can, you know, do it at that pace and, but you have like a lifetime to watch them. But I think the dripping out once a week is good to keep you like having that momentum and it comes out and you're like, okay, yes, gonna do this this week. So it starts with, you know, evaluating what boundaries you need. Then it's establishing the boundaries. It's having the conversations about the boundaries. It's maintaining the boundaries. It even, we even talk, we as in me and my three personalities. Speaker 1: (17:49)I don't know, me, me, myself, and I . I also talk about setting boundaries with yourself, like phone boundaries. I, this one is one of the favorite parts. It's like that unexpected little cherry on top of the, of the course. Um, one of my clients was like my favorite one was the phone boundaries. Like she wasn't even expecting that I was kind of outta nowhere, but she said that helped her be so much more productive and just feel more peaceful. She said she didn't realize how much her phone was like running her life and how dependent she was on it, where it was actually causing her stress. Like she had to always be on and available and like at the beck and call of her phone, if that makes sense. So I like that part too. It's a good one. Um, except if you're interested, check out my show notes and get that boundaries course now while it's hot, fresh and hot. Speaker 1: (18:49)Um, and even if you just watch a video or two before Christmas, you could get a little insight before you see your peeps at Christmas time. But just in general, a problem. A lot of people who have been through narcissistic abuse or trauma or had alcoholic parents or emotionally unavailable parents hard childhoods in whatever way, a lot of us have issues with setting and holding boundaries. So that's why I created that course because it's so important and most of the people who have gone through it are dealing with it. So if you're listening to this, you might have some problems setting boundaries. So get it. All right. So remember it is okay to feel sad. Like we don't wanna bypass our feelings or think we're stupid for feeling this way or we're too sensitive or what. No, like you've been through some, okay? But you're a queen. Speaker 1: (19:55)So you are going to figure out how can I get through this the best I can. That's why you're here. That's why you're listening to this, right? You want to help yourself. Self-help, right? And sometimes we don't have all the answers or we haven't been through the process long enough to be on the other side. So we need a little help and guidance. So there's my boundaries course, if you wanna work with me, one-on-one, I have nothing until probably maybe mid-January. Um, but you can apply. I can put a link for you to sign up for working one-on-one with me. I'm doing some amazing somatic healing work as well. So we are healing from the inside of the body out . It's so creepy sounding, isn't it when I say it like that? Um, but if you want sustainable healing, you have to really work with the body mindset's great. Speaker 1: (20:54)I do a lot of mindset work and now I'm bringing in all this body work and I'm seeing the results. So if you want to work with me and either way, either through the course that is prerecorded, I am not involved live in that, or one-on-one, check out my links in the lovely little description box and have peace. No, don't take the bait with narcissists with anybody that are acting like jerks. Don't take the bait. Remember? Like, don't be afraid. We've gotta release this fear around, oh, we don't wanna look bad or hurt feeling someone's treating you bad. It's not okay. You have permission to stand up for yourself or to walk away. All of the above. Be like, Krista, Jade sent me. She said, I'm not gonna tolerate you'll BS 'cause I'm a queen. All right, hands on heart. This is, this is a good one. Speaker 1: (21:51)All right, we are going to end with an affirmation or two or three. Hold on. I'm trying to, if you can see me on the video. Um, I put this on YouTube for those of you like, what is she talking about? This is on YouTube as well. My YouTube channel is Christy Jade or Fierce, Christy Jade, I don't even remember, but it's one of those. Um, and I thought it'd be fun to do video podcasts as well. So here I am looking crazy, jumping around, trying to get comfortable. All right, hands on heart, take a deep breath in and release. We're gonna do three of these. Inhale and release. Inhale. We're gonna hold this one at the top. Inhale, hold it, hold it. And when we release in a second, when you exhale, exhale everything, you got all that BSS out. Exhale. Keep going, keep going. Don't pass out. Okay. All right. So we're a little looser. Okay? I am stronger than my fear. Repeat after me. I am stronger than my fear. I give myself permission to walk away. I don't have to tolerate from anybody 'cause I'm a queen. Yay. Alright. I know this can be a hard time, but I got got your back. I love you. I'm here. I get you. I see you. I'm holding you. I'm giving you a big bear hug and happy holidays, as happy as they can be. If you're going through a hard time, have a little moment, a little squeezy hug. And don't forget your smooches and your deuces and I will see you in the next episode of, but still, she thrives.

Ep 61 | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Meditation for the Holiday Season

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she saw . We rewind. I'm, it's a bad week. Cora. Cora has COVID kind of a mess. So let's, let's start over there. Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is Christy. If you don't know who I am, I'm Christy Jade and I am a coach for narcissistic abuse recovery. I do work with people who have not been through narcissistic abuse, but it's my specialty and the majority of my clients have gone through some sort of abuse specifically, usually narcissistic. Um, so that being said, today we're gonna do a special little episode. So stay close, stay very close, not too close. Don't get creepy close. Um, and we are going to do an actual meditation going into the holidays because we all need it. If we have a narcissist in our life, if we are healing from narcissistic abuse, this will be helpful. So stay tuned. Speaker 1: (01:03)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with. I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (02:00)Alright, as promised, we are going to do a little guided meditation. I love these. I love doing them. Like when other people guide me through and I love to guide my clients through. And I thought I would do just a little guided one specifically for the holidays. 'cause you lis, if you listen to my last episode, you know that the creepy crawling narcs do come out full force holiday season. So first, find a quiet and comfortable space, okay? Where you won't be disturbed if possible. That's the best way to do this. And you can sit down comfortably, whatever's comfortable. There's no right or wrong with meditating. And if you want to, sometimes I wanna max and relax on my back. I even have a meditation chair that reclines all the way back. Like it has different levels. It's amazing. Um, it's right behind me. And that's where I meditate sometimes. I basically am in a snooze position. All right? So get cozy. All right. First, just take a big breath and just kind of shake out. Shake out any energy you have. Okay? First we're gonna do grounding. So we're gonna begin by bringing your awareness to the present moment. And you can keep your eyes open or closed. Most people prefer to close them, but whatever feels good to you, whatever feels safe, feel the ground beneath you, whether it's under your butt or your back, whatever is supporting your body. Speaker 1: (03:36)And I invite you to inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. We're gonna repeat this two more times. Inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale anchoring you to the present moment. Then we're gonna create a safe space. So I'd like you to visualize a place that brings you a sense of peace and safety. This is gonna be different for everybody. It could be a beach, maybe somewhere tucked away in a forest. Maybe it's just a special room you have in your house that you enjoy being. Maybe it's your car. I know some of us moms tuck away in the car, giving ourselves a few more minutes before we enter the chaos. , wherever feels safe and peaceful for you, I want you to, to visualize that space and picture yourself in this space surrounded by a yellow, warm, protective light. Speaker 1: (05:08)Now get nice and settled in there. And now I want you to imagine creating a boundary of light around yourself. So this is almost this beautiful, warm, peaceful sphere of a boundary around yourself. A shield. Visualize this as a strong and resilient barrier, allowing only love and positive energy to enter this energy, this space around you. I want you to just feel that no matter what is outside of this sphere, the only things that can penetrate into this energy field around you are things that feel loving, peaceful, uplifting, and positive. So I want you to just bask in that for a moment and then I invite you to envision the healing light within you starting at your heart center. Speaker 1: (06:30)Let's picture this as a light blue, glowing light that's growing brighter. With each breath you take spreading warmth and comfort through your whole body. As you see it expand, feel it gently releasing any tension or pain as it grows through each part of your body. Imagine it just melting any tension or pain away. Now I invite you to just sit here and watch this energy grow from the heart center out, down through your legs, your feet. Imagine it expanding through your rib cage, your back, your abdomen, your chest. Imagine it expanding through your shoulders, the tops of your arms, your lower arms. Speaker 1: (07:49)And imagine it expanding through your neck, your jaw, your head, all the way at the top where your crown chakra is. This is your inner healing light. We can heal from within. Next, we're going to have a little self-compassion for ourselves, which can be hard for some, but just breathe into it. And I want you during this to acknowledge any emotions that arise without judgment. We so often really want to analyze and judge our own thoughts. Uh, I'd love you to just allow yourself to feel and release any negative feelings that come up there. Any stress and anxiety that's living in your body right now. Speaker 1: (08:51)Take a moment to see what comes up. Just observe it. Don't analyze it. Just I see you. Yeah, there it is. Right? Okay. Maybe some sadness comes up. Discouragement, frustration. Just observe the feeling and remind yourself, giving yourself grace that it's okay to feel these emotions. We all get sad. We all get angry. We all get frustrated. You deserve love and compassion just as much as anyone else. Sometimes we give that to our friends, but don't give it to ourselves. Right? You can hear yourself saying, no friend, it's okay to feel this way. It's time to say that to yourself. It's okay. Observe and release. Speaker 1: (09:58)So in this part of the meditation, I want you to imagine a golden light of forgiveness surrounding you. Extend this towards those who may have caused you pain. This there could be high resistance to in our situations, but this does not condone. It does not condone their actions. I wanna make that very clear. But it releases us of the burden of holding onto the resentment that only has an effect on us. We carry that. We've been through so much. Let's not add to what we have to carry around with us. That resentment. And this might be hard, especially if you're earlier in your journey of healing. That's okay. Speaker 1: (10:58)Maybe you can just release a little and say, I would like to forgive. Maybe you can't forgive just yet. That's okay. I'd like to forgive. It doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't condone any of their actions. This is for you. Let go of what you can. If you can release the next one a little more positive, a little more freeing, a little easier. We wanna cultivate joy in these moments. So I want you to picture some moments of a joy and happiness from your past. Maybe just grab one of your favorite moments with one of your favorite people. Speaker 1: (12:01)If you can't think of one, create one. Create a future joyful moment that you would love to have. Maybe it's imagining a future romantic partner. Maybe it's imagining future vacation, future job. Connect with the positive energy of the moment and let it fill your heart. Really feel what it feels like. That joy when you really breathe it and take a nice breath. Your life can feel like that. And in this moment it is. You're capable. Allow it to uplift your spirit. This one is my best friend's favorite. She calls it her weapon. And it is gratitude. Speaker 1: (13:09)I want you to wrap yourself up in an imaginary orange blanket of gratitude. Imagine just wrapping it around your body. And though we've had hardships, sure there's always something to be grateful for. I want you to reflect on at least one thing you're grateful for in your life. No matter how big or small, if it was yesterday or 10 years ago, I want you to really just sit and picture it or think of it whichever way you prefer. Very powerful. It's a very powerful tool. Gratitude. Let yourself be with that moment, that accomplishment, whatever it was. Speaker 1: (14:15)Now we're gonna get to what you know I love to do. I do in many of my episodes. Affirmations. Let's repeat an affirmation together to kind of close this out. Repeat after me. And you can put your hand on your heart if that feels good. Some people like to do hand on one hand on the heart, one hand on the stomach. I like to put both hands on my heart where you can leave your hands down. It doesn't matter. There's no right way. Whatever feels good to you, repeat after me. I am deserving of love and happiness. Speaker 1: (15:04)I am strong and resilient 'cause I'm a queen. That's always how I end my affirmations. 'cause we're all queens, right? We should be treated with love and respect and deserve it just like anybody else. Doesn't mean we're cocky queens who think we're better than everybody. Don't get it twisted. All right? We deserve love. We deserve respect. We deserve people being kind, lifting us up. And if you grew up in a tough situation or you had a really tough experience, specifically with a narcissist, you can have the idea that you don't deserve better or you, maybe you're not worthy. Maybe this is just how things are and you're not even comfortable with better. But I'm here to help you get comfortable with better. That's what I do. I love it. I help women get very comfortable with having a very happy, joyful, peaceful life. Speaker 1: (16:24)I, so you can bring your awareness back to the present moment. If you're not already back here after my babbles. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Open your eyes if they're not open. And take a moment to appreciate the peace that you cultivated within yourself. Right? These are things you can do with yourself. And sometimes, especially when we've gone through trauma, our body remembers and our body's comfortable with the constant chaos. And we do have to somewhat train it to be comfortable with calm, with joy, with happiness, with ease. Growing up, I was kind of taught in my family like everything had to be hard. It was hard to make money. It's hard to have relationships. I mean, everything just seems so hard. And so anything that came easy, I didn't even know what to do with. You may be familiar with this as well. I could go off on a whole other episode about that. Speaker 1: (17:35)So I won't, I will stop my blobby self. But remember that healing is a process and you can, but you can access these tools whenever you want. If you work with me. We do coaching, we do mindset and energy work. So there's a whole plethora of things we can do. I will put everything in my show notes. I'll also put them on YouTube. I'm doing video podcast now over on my YouTube channel. I'll put my YouTube channel there. And in the description will also be my current coaching offerings. I also have a boundaries course. Um, if you'd like to do like pre-recorded, go at your own pace videos. It's a really, really awesome, I mean, not to toot my own horn, no, but it's, it's a very effective program. The boundaries course that I offer. Um, it is literally life changing. So I highly recommend that. Speaker 1: (18:40)And if you want more one-on-one support with yours, truly. We have fun. We have fun healing. We do ask any of my clients. Um, we have a good time. Right now. I'm in kind of zen mode, but if you know me or have been following me, you know, I can be a goof and fierce and all that. But I'm also compassionate and I'm right there in the trenches with you holding your hand and helping guide you. But you're guiding yourself and you're getting empowered and more confident and understanding narcissism better. And most importantly, you're learning how to heal yourself from the inside out, which is so important for sustainable healing. Okay? Alright. I love you guys. I hope this was helpful. Please, um, join my Facebook group. I'll put that in the show notes too. I think it's usually always there, but I have a private little Facebook group. It's private so no one knows you're in there. Um, and you can always message me on Instagram or write me on my email. My email is also right there in the show notes. You can say hello. Um, I love feedback. I love suggestions. I love engagement with you guys. So please reach out. I'd love to hear from you. And I will see you in the next episode. Tis the season. Smooches and.

Ep 60 | Holidays with a Narcissist : What to Expect

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is holiday season here in the us so if you are in the US or anywhere that it is, holiday season, prepare yourself for narcissist craziness. You know, Jose freak freaks come out at night. Well, the narcissist come out especially hard, usually at the holidays. Every narcissist is different. So we can't blanket statement anything. But in my experience and my client's experience, they do kind of get triggered during this time. So stay close to dive into what to expect from a narcissist during the holiday season. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:39)All right? So like I mentioned during the holidays, they can be surprising to some if you really know, narcissistic can be almost predictable. But a lot of you are in those early phases of disconnection, or you're just realizing you're dealing with a narcissist. This is all, you know, sort of coming into fruition. So you may be surprised at some of the things that will happen because they are maybe the opposite of what we should be doing and feeling at the holiday time, right? So, like I said, this is just a blanket thing I'm gonna throw out there. If you have disconnected from a narcissist, odds are they may have already tried to reach out. Thanksgiving can be a trigger. Hanukkah, Christmas, any of those winter holidays can be a trigger because narcissists, what do they always need? They need that love and adoration and attention. Speaker 1: (02:34)And if you have disconnected from them, if there is a void in their life from that, and they need that to basically live, they need that narcissistic supply. You being absent will feel even more around holiday time, because that's the time that, you know, we all can, you know, come closer together. We have gatherings, you know, it's supposed to be supposed to be this feel good, um, connecting time. So narcissists during this time can really get triggered. If you are dealing with a narcissist, let's say, I know some of you are actually in relationships, maybe you're thinking of getting out of relationships, they can also just in general, act out and stronger during this time. Like they're traits can get even worse during the holiday season. So we will go into that. The first one. They can often, well, you know, narcissists crave attention in general, right? Speaker 1: (03:28)So they need that validation during the holidays. They may go to greater lengths to be the center of attention. That can be through grand gestures, like, oh, look at me, look what I'm doing. Dramatic stories, narcissists, you know, their stories can go from zero to a thousand very quickly, where reality is very different. Which, if you don't know this about narcissists, a lot of them live in delusion, right? They have this grandiose idea of themselves. So the delusions can always get greater and greater if it, if they feel a need to fill that void and seek that attention even more during the holidays. So again, every narcissist will be different, but you can pretty much bank on this that they will be seeking more attention around holiday time, whether you're disconnected or not with them. Number two, uh, we've, we've talked about this in many episodes, but manipulation. Speaker 1: (04:26)So, you know, they have this inflated sense of self-importance, this grandiosity. So during the holidays, this can manifest into bragging about their achievements of the year. Again, exaggerating the stories, their achievement of they got X, Y, Z could become, they got X, Y, Z and it was 10 times better than reality. Or, and this one is very, very common during holidays or whatever, they really expect special treatment. So, you know, birthdays, we all get a little special treatment, but holidays, it's, it's like everyone's holiday, right? But to them, they want extra treatment during this time, special treatment and that recognition. So again, the bragging the, um, entitlement can really shine the next one. Number four is difficulty with empathy. I don't even wanna say difficulty. It is, they, they don't have empathy, okay? So they struggle being done with empathy. So they're not attuned with your feelings, with others' feelings during all of this stress and chaos that can, I mean, look, we love holiday season, but there can be stress and chaos with planning, with just, if you have, um, custody issues, like it can really bring up a lot of stress or just, just kind of draining in some ways, right? Speaker 1: (05:57)So you may look to them or think maybe they can support you, but often they do not. So it could be one extreme or the other where they do special huge gestures for the attention. But then at the same time, or maybe behind the scenes, if you're married to a narcissist, you know how this can work on the outside, they act like, oh my gosh, I'm the best thing ever, and I do so much. And then behind the scenes, they're like, yeah, you're on your own and I'm gonna go, you know, play golf and let you do everything. So they might not engage in that spirit of giving or sharing unless, unless it directly benefits them. So keep that in mind and look out for that. So number five, conflict, criticism. The things, if you're with a narcissist, you're used to anyway, but they may respond to perceived slights or criticism anything. Speaker 1: (06:57)Like I said, if they're not supporting you and you're like, Hey, I really could use your support, they will get defensive and angry. Usually defensiveness with narcissists, many of them turns into anger. So they will turn that into a fight and create tension. And why do they do this? Because they're lacking control. What do narcissists always want? Control, right? They're always either trying to get control or regain control. So in this case, if they feel a little outta control, like, oh, I'm being put down because they're not showing up how they should because they don't need to. 'cause they're a grandiose narcissist, right? So if they're feeling like they're being slighted or put down, they're going to cause a big problem. They're gonna criticize you, flip it around on you, gaslight you maybe stomp you down until they're back in control. We don't like it. Speaker 1: (07:54)No, we're not here for it. Number six, sabotage. So this is a huge one. All the happy people in the world running around with all the Holly Jolly Christmas or Hanukkah exchanging presents, all of that can trigger a narcissist. And then they want to sabotage other people's happiness, right? Um, this could involve ruining plans. It could involve almost in like ruining their own plans. They don't care. I mean, they, they really don't care unless it's something like they thought of and they wanna do that thing. They really wanted to go to this basketball game, so they're not gonna ruin that. But if it's like a family event and it's not their super highest priority, they could absolutely try to sabotage that. Or sabotage, let's say your plans. You're all excited to go see this new funny Christmas movie with your girlfriends. Uh, he may start a fight right before you go to sabotage your fun. Speaker 1: (08:54)So they could either try to make you in a bad mood for the event or sabotage it to the point you don't even go. Or at an event they could sabotage it while you are there together, start a fight. Cause problems to the point, it's just you're miserable, but you stay because you have to show up for this work event. Let's say he, he really doesn't care about your work event, right? Um, so you're there, he's causing problems. You feel like you wanna cry, but you have to stay because it's a work event. And you were invited. You've only been there 15 minutes, or to the point that it's so bad that you feel embarrassed and you need to leave, right? These are all things that can happen. Um, so he remember, they like attention of any kind. So even if it's bad attention in general, they don't care that we could have another episode about that, because to an extent, they don't really wanna look like the bad guy to certain people. Speaker 1: (09:50)But that's a whole other episode. Number seven, superficial connections. This one, they, again, these are all things they tend to do anyway, but they're just amplified at the holiday season. Um, but they are more about appearances than genuine connections, right? So they may be more interested in how others perceive them than building actual meaningful relationships. And during the holidays, they may really amplify that. If they're single, they may even really like latch on to someone to just have by their side during the holidays, but they don't really care about them. It's just like, oh, it's a really beautiful woman. It's like almost like this trophy. So it's gonna be something again that's going to benefit them. Um, so that's something they may do. They do it anyway, but again, it can be amplified. And number eight, which goes in line with lack of empathy, but disregarding others' feelings. Speaker 1: (10:52)So we know they prioritize their own needs, right? During the holidays is no different. And it can result in them disregarding the feelings, preferences, or boundaries, which we know they, they know no boundaries. They cross all the boundaries of those they love during the holiday season. So you may say, look, I really need X, Y, Z, or I want you to not do this. And during the holidays, they can feel even more emboldened and needing that control. So they are going to hit even harder back and cross your boundaries and fight you when you try to fight for your boundaries. So there can be really explosive sort of interactions with narcissists during the holidays. These are all crappy things. I'm sorry to share this news with you, but if you're with a narcissist, you've experienced it, but sometimes we don't recognize the patterns that it's around, like worse at the holidays. Speaker 1: (11:53)But if you think back, and I have a friend who after she left her narcissist, they got divorced. When she was going through the process, I believe it was like during it, uh, she was saying to me, I realize he ruined every holiday and birthday of mine. I'm like, yeah, that's not a surprise. First of all, for a birthday, other people's birthdays, the attention off of them, oh, no way they're going to, they're going to take that attention or ruin it for you so you don't get the attention. Um, and then for holidays, like I said, it can be very triggering for different reasons. Um, for them where they need the attention, they need the control. So here's always my , my standard advice is stay as far away as a narcissist from narcissist as you can. That is always my first advice here. Um, they can be very dangerous emotionally, physically, everything, uh, depending on the particular narcissist, definitely emotional, no matter what. Speaker 1: (13:00)Physical depends on the narcissist. But holiday times it's hard for us too. They also know we can be vulnerable at holiday time, right? I mean, man, I had a narcissist ex that, oh, we broke up right before Christmas and talk about you. You don't wanna have a heart break ever a breakup ever. They suck, but around the holidays, oh, it's the worst. And I really thought it was it. I thought I was very strong. I was like, Nope, I'm not doing this again. I'm done. It was right before the holidays that, oh, Christmas Eve showed up diamonds and a poem and that sad look in his eye, , and it, and it worked. Moral of the story worked. We ended up breaking up, I think a couple months later. Um, but they know, they're smart at what they do, but once we figure them out, they become less smart because we, we can see through it. Speaker 1: (14:01)But if you don't know how they work, it's easy to be tricked. So I don't want you to feel guilt about that. I want you to understand they are, they're very good at what they do on manipulation and timing and vulnerability. They, they just know right? Holidays, it's a vulnerable time for us. So I'm just warning you in that, um, they may reach out, they may try to make you feel extra special, and they may kind of twist your mind to make you feel even worse about the situation and try to poke that vulnerable spot. So try to be strong if that's your situation. If you are disconnected, they odds are, we'll try to show up, unless I should have said this at the beginning. Unless they have a new source, a new supply that feeds their ego, a new girlfriend, right? Like someone who really filled your spot. Speaker 1: (14:56)And again, that doesn't mean that person is more special. I I need to do an episode on that too. It's nothing about you. Unfortunately, it was never about you. And you need to be with a healthy person that appreciates you. Narcissists don't appreciate anybody. They pick somebody who is good at feeding their ego. And if it doesn't get fed and the fights start and they're not getting what they want anymore, exactly how they want, you start to set boundaries, you start to stand up for yourself. Uh, they will toss you to the curb and replace you instantly with somebody else who will feed their ego. So it's unfortunate, it hurts, it sucks to surrender to that fact, but the sooner you do, the easier it is to start your healing journey. So all these things being said, if you want to grab a call with me, if you want to talk through any of this, um, to know how to navigate all of this, let me know. Speaker 1: (15:52)All of the ways to work with me are always in my show notes. I have a couple different packages going on right now, and I, I have like a one-off call. I have a monthly and then a three month, like, you wanna change your life. Let's go package . So if you need support, please check that out, or you can email me at fierce mamay at gmail. It is my email address is all always also in my show notes. So good luck this holiday season with these, these creepy narcissists and their big webs that suck us in. But you are strong. Let's, let's actually, let's, let's go ahead and do a little, uh, affirmation action. All right. Let's take a deep breath. If you're driving, keep your hands on the wheel and keep your eyes open. But you can listen. , take one more breath, okay? I am stronger than the narcissist in my life. Repeat that. Okay? I know my worth. Everything's going to be okay because I'm a queen. All right? Again, write me if you need anything, sign up for a call with me. Let's do this. Let's get you out of the sticky web of the narcissist. All right, love you guys. See you in the next podcast episode. Why am I talking creepily? I don't know. . Bye.