NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationships

Ep 65 | 4 Signs You are Friends with a Narcissist

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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm your host, Christy Jade, and today we are going to talk about discuss four signs. You are friends with a narcissist, dun, dun, dun. Um, sometimes with friendships we wanna skip over things 'cause we love them or we have history with them. But we're gonna get into this week what the signs are that you may have a narcissist as a friend. And next week we will discuss how that can be harmful to you. Pretty dang harmful. So stay tuned, we'll be right back. Speaker 1: (00:42)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:39)All right, let's dive in. Four signs. You are friends with a narcissist. So in my own life I have had friends, I can't diagnose anybody, but I've definitely had a friend or two with narcissistic tendencies. And to me, it doesn't matter if you label someone, oh, they are textbook narcissist, or they just have enough qualities of a narcissist that it's not healthy to be in a relationship. So I want us to get away from the idea of that we have to like, they have to have every single trait for it to not be healthy. Um, some of these traits I'm gonna discuss, I'm only only gonna talk about four. There's definitely more. But some of these, even having one of these could be unhealthy in a relationship, right? So you have to discern for yourself, is this trait in this person healthy for me? If this is something today we discuss that you have a friend with one or all of these traits, um, in my own life, those people, I really let them get away with a lot. Speaker 1: (02:53)Um, but that was also because I grew up as a child with a narcissist in my life. And so I was used to being treated poorly, um, dismissed, controlled, put down. Um, all of those things. We're not going gonna go into all of that. Maybe I'll share a bigger part of my story one day as an extra episode. But it's important to know if you grew up in that environment, that it's very likely that you may at attract. I wouldn't even say attract. Well, yes, attract in a way of you're, you may be in easier target because though the bigger part of this is that you will accept poor behavior because you may not even know any better. You may not know any different, right? So growing up I just thought that was just kind of part of how people treated people. I didn't, it took me getting into college, being away from family, um, having some healthier people pop up in my life that I realized like, wait, that was really jacked up, man, . Speaker 1: (04:06)Um, and even more time to truly see that it, it just wasn't, um, you know, it's not just physical, it's emotional, it's manipulative, it's all of those things. So if you can relate to any of this, whether it's in your past, in your childhood or in a current relationship, um, you, if you take poor treatment from people in your life, you may attract more people because it's easier for narcissists to manipulate people who have big hearts and are empathetic like, like us, right? That we do excuse things. We wanna look at the good. We want to not feel those bad things. 'cause we're, you know, for me, I'm a very happy go lucky person. I want to see people thrive. I want good for everyone. And that can sometimes blind us to, um, ironically putting ourselves last or in bad situations because we want to not squeak the wheel and not, you know, we walk on eggshells with certain people because we're afraid of upsetting them, right? Speaker 1: (05:21)With narcissist, that all comes from control and we'll get there. So let's dive in. Number one is lack of empathy. This is, uh, like a telltale sign. It's very common. This is how people define it. Oh, it's a lack of empathy. It's something that is very striking compared to us as empaths, right? They often struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings of others. If your friend consistently dismisses you, belittles your emotions, even if they write it off as joke. So one of the friends that I'm thinking of with some narcissistic traits, they would put me down a lot, but always with a joke and laughing. And this was also common in some of my extended family where it's just written off a, oh, I'm just joking. You're so sensitive. 'cause if you do get like, well, that's a little far. 'cause I have, I have very thick skin. Speaker 1: (06:21)I love to joke. I love sarcasm. I I'm that girl, I'm a tough girl. But they go deeper and they know your spots to push and they will put you down and often disguise it as a joke or just say you are being sensitive, right? And that, that plays into later like gaslighting, manipulation, that sort of thing. Um, but that could be a sign of a narcissist, right? There are other people who don't have empathy, but that's like a, a pretty telltale sign. And you don't always see it. If you're in a new relationship with someone, they may not show that. But eventually that comes out. Number two, the constant need for validation. So a huge thing with narcissists is they need attention. And it's not just like a simple, oh, I didn't get enough hugs. Like there's some people who are attention hungry. It's very deep seated. Speaker 1: (07:15)And if you don't know narcissists as much as they come off as confident and cocky, a lot of the times arrogant, deep, deep, deep, deep down of a narcissist is huge insecurities. But they can't even touch it. They don't even know that they don't. I mean, it is so buried under there, but that's why they have this mask. But they need that validation because they sse they are insecure. So if your friend constantly seeks admiration, approval, or praise, this can be shown, especially in their telling great stories about themselves. Like, oh, I did this. You wouldn't believe what happened. Often they will embellish their stories even further to get that satisfaction of attention. And, and they want that. Yes. Oh wow, great job. But like, they love that. And do we all have that, uh, to especially extroverts or more social, socially connected people? Do we all love a little round of applause? Yes. This is much deeper. And the key also is they become upset when they don't receive it. Speaker 1: (08:25)So think about that. They come very, they become very upset when they don't receive that attention, which is connected to the control. Number three. This is, this is the like, I don't know, I guess they're all huge, but to me this is such a big sign and something that really differentiates a healthy person from an unhealthy person. I don't care if you wanna call it narcissism or narcissism or not. To me, if someone is like this, I don't want 'em in my life. I don't need to label 'em. I don't care if they're narcissists, if they're a sociopath, if they're just a jerk, I don't care. Manipulative behavior. That's what we're talking about. Now, gaslighting, I have an episode that goes further into gaslighting. I can link. Um, but narcissists may engage. Most of them do, I would say most of them do. And manipulative tactics to control others. Speaker 1: (09:26)So if your friend tries to manipulate it again, they can paint it as joking and laughing and oh, do this for me, right? Uses guilt trips. Anyone who uses guilt trips on me is not allowed in my space. Like, I'm just done with that. I did a, I had a lot of guilt trips growing up. I had guilt trips with friendships in my later years. That is one thing, it just doesn't work. I mean, you might try it, but it's never gonna work on me. Like guilt trip just do not work. And they shouldn't work on you 'cause you're a queen, right? So they use situations for themselves, right? So it's like, if they want something, they're gonna try to find the closest people to them, whether that's their partner or their best friend, close friend, whatever. And they're going to try to manipulate it. Speaker 1: (10:18)Those people. So whatever they're trying to get works for them, right? They're not thinking how could this affect this person? They're really just trying to get everything to work in their favor and they will play mind games and they will make you even, this is part of the manipulation. And what I didn't realize till I was older was the 'cause narcissists will also try to make you feel very special. Oh, you're the only one who gets me. So a couple narcissists in my life, one family, one friend I can think of use very, this very similar tactic of you're the only one who really gets me. And they do this when they're trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you. It's not just like a random thought. So if you pay attention when they're trying to get something, whether it's attention control, trying to get you to help them in some way, they'll be like, well, I'm coming to you because you know, you're the only person who could really do this. Speaker 1: (11:20)Well, you're so good at this. So I thought of you first because you're amazing. But they're trying to get their way and it's a pattern. So again, if there's one-off things here and there, like is, can that be a real thing where you go to a friend like, you're good at makeup. Would you do my makeup for prom or something, right? Like a lot of my, I did makeup for my friends at prom and stuff, right? I'm not talking about that. That's like, you know, this is different. It's a pattern. It's in any situation they can use you for. They use people and they don't care. They pretend they care. And then later you find out they really don't. And it's this awful cycle, right? Of manipulation, guilt trips, they use you, they spit you out, they dismiss you, and then you're back on this quote pedestal. Speaker 1: (12:09)So if you know that's the abuse cycle, um, we're not here for that, right? Mm-Hmm. So that, that is a red flag. Manipulation is a red flag no matter how you wanna define it. All right? The fourth one we're gonna talk about again, there's many more. And if you work with me, we go through all of these things. So if you're interested in coaching with me, my information is always, always in the show notes. So check it out. Alright, last one, sense of entitlement. Narcissists generally have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and they believe they deserve special treatment. Look, I always say we're all special, okay? We are all special, we're all queens, but we are not more deserving or better than somebody else. That's the difference, right? Narcissists though, deep, deep down, we know their secret. They do not think they're special. They, and that's where so many people get confused. Speaker 1: (13:10)But it, to me, it doesn't matter. An a-holes an a-hole. So we're just not taking this treatment. But if you really wanna dig into the why and the how, deep, deep down they are really, really insecure and they're afraid to even look at that. So they have again, this mask. So they act like and expect special treatment. They have their selves convinced. So not to confuse you, I know it can get like what they ha in this life, in this body. A deep, deep down issue is in there, but they have themselves convinced that they are this amazing above other people. We're all amazing. So we won't say that. But above all others deserving. I'm so unique, no one knows how to do this or that one narcissist in my life. The biggest bragger, every conversation is about how they are so great at this and they did this. Speaker 1: (14:12)And I get free this and I do this. Like, I mean, it's just always, I don't, I mean I don't have them in my life anymore, but it is this just vomit of how great they are, right? And they expect people to bow down to them and they need to have that control. So if you notice your friend expects like preferential treatment and is like, oh, when you go out, they're like, oh, I, no, I can't have that. I need to have this. Right? Like, and that's a pattern that's, that's a red flag. Some people are just entitled 'cause that's how they grew up. But that is a narcissistic tendency and trait and it's not cute. And I don't wanna be anyone around anyone like that. Um, so like I said, a lot of these stacked together can equal a narcissist, right? But to me, any of these behaviors are gross and icky and I don't want any of 'em in a friendship, right? Speaker 1: (15:10)Um, watch how they treat other people, right? Some people, some of a narcissist can be very charismatic, right? But that can only last so long. They'll usually, it will show up in certain, um, certain situations. It does come out. If you, if you, the closer you are to them, the more you will see it, right? If you're first dating or you're like a kind of an acquaintance, you might be like, what? That person's great and their spouse might be living in pure hell, but they have this charisma or they're like, oh look, yeah, I'm great. And they do act polite. Let's say you're in a group outing. They may act really fun and whatever, and really nice to the wait staff and you know, but that wall has to come down at some point. So the piece people closer to them. And you may be like, oh, that's my husband or something, right? Speaker 1: (16:07)You might be listening like, yeah, he, they act like a different person in front of those that aren't as close, um, to put on this image. But they also, at the same time, as you get to know them better, they do expect people to bow down in general, right? And the closer you are, the further you're gonna bow not mean . Can I get a what? What, yes. We're not bowing down anymore. So whether or not your friend is a narcissist, if they have any of these traits level up, come on, trade 'em in. I'm telling you, when you free yourself of people that put you down, bring you down, make you walk on eggshells and worry if you don't do or say the right thing that they're going to dis discard you or just make your life hell. Or you just, you just have that fear of, oh, they're gonna get upset. Speaker 1: (17:08)Like that is no way to live with friendships, with family. I don't care who it is. You are better than that. You deserve, we all deserve better than that. And I'm not here for it. That's why I do this podcast, right? So if any of these are in your friendships, you can always have a conversation about it. But if they are, you're probably scared to, 'cause they're probably kind of an a-hole. So they're not gonna take any, um, ridicule or whatever you wanna call it. Well, you could try it as your last, let's, I've really, I've been with this person 10 years. We're friends, we're close. Try to have a conversation. You can, but people with these sort of tendencies, they lack that empathy. They're not gonna wanna see your side, right? The need for validation and control, they feel outta control. If someone's telling them something's wrong with them, God forbid they can't handle that manipulative behavior, they're gonna twist it around on you and say, somehow you cause something sense of entitlement. Speaker 1: (18:10)How dare you, who do you think you are coming to me? So the odds are the conversation could not go well. You can always try as your last resort to save a friendship. Sure. But it's a little warning. Speaking of which, I have a boundaries course. I just realized this is connects very well with this. I have an amazing boundaries course. I have a special price on it, so I'll put that in the show notes. Um, I have that as a special price right now because I just really want people to be able to get this. It's, you get to watch it on your own. Every week. A new video drips out. It's 10 videos. It is life changing. If you have people in your life who are like this and you wanna set boundaries, or maybe you want to walk away, but you want to try or moving forward. Maybe you've gotten rid of someone in your life like this, but you're afraid of attracting people that are similar. This course is for you. It's called Empowered Boundaries. I'll put it in the show notes. Um, and, and that's, that's all I got today. Let's do some affirmations. Take a deep breath in. I get passionate. I get all, whew, I gotta decompress for a second. Nice. One more deep breath in. Speaker 1: (19:29)I dunno, if you're driving, do not close your eyes. But if you are not, shut your little peeps hand to heart. If you feel like it and repeat after me. I deserve peace. I do not tolerate poor behavior 'cause I'm a queen. Yes, yes you are. You are a queen. I love you guys. I will see you in the next podcast. And if you're not following me on YouTube, follow me. 'cause we're about to uplevel. We're about to do some like mini trainings and recordings, some meditations, all sorts of fun stuff on my YouTube channel. I am, that's, I think is usually in the show notes too. But I will try to highlight it this week so it's easy to find, go follow me on there. Seriously, just about to be, get crazy , I can't talk. But other than that, it's, it's, it's about to get real. We're upleveling together and you deserve the best. You deserve peace and joy and to feel like a queen. So we can do that. All right, love you guys. See you in the next one. Bye.

Ep 64 | Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we are gonna talk about breaking the cycle after narcissistic abuse. What does that mean? Stay close. And I will let you know, Speaker 1: (00:15)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:12)Alright, so breaking the cycle after narcissistic abuse. This is for the people who have even overcome, in many ways narcissistic abuse. Maybe you're out of the relationship, but you still may have emotions, you may have negative thoughts, you may have things still attached to this abuse that you kind of wanna just white knuckle and just like run through and keep running and going through life. You have a lot of great things going for you and you don't want this holding you back anymore, right? But we're gonna dive into why you need to break that cycle and address it. And how, so number one, for your, uh, general emotional wellbeing. This is kind of an obvious one, but sometimes people don't realize how deep, really deep the abuse with narcissistic abuse specifically can go, right? It can lead to severe distress, it can cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. Speaker 1: (02:17)And sometimes when we're in narcissistic abusive situations, we think, especially if it's from childhood, we just think, oh, I just always had anxiety. I've always had depression. I've always, you know, been an overthinker over analyzer. That can be a result of abuse, right? A lot of the things associated with anxiety and depression can be caused by the trauma that narcissistic abuse causes, right? The low self-esteem. Same thing. So breaking this cycle allows victims to prioritize their emotional wellbeing and work towards that healing. Oh, the fun healing journey you're on. 'cause if you're on here, there's obviously some want for further healing. And I love that. Number two, I like this one. I like this one because one of the hardest things that I went through with my abusive, past narcissistic, abusive past was the control I feel like I lost. So number two is regaining control. Speaker 1: (03:22)Narcissistic abusers specifically often exert control. Not often. They always, I mean, anybody I know that has been under the narcissistic, narcissistic thumb as I'll call it, anybody who has been under that thumb, you know what it feels like to be controlled. You may have dismissed it for years. You may have, you know, made it seem like not that big a deal, or, oh, that's just them, right? We, we make excuses because a lot of people around these people will make excuses for them. Not here, not on the queen show, we're not doing that anymore. But they want control. That's one of the, they want attention and they want control. If they lose control, they flip out. So the thing is, with our, their victims, they are constantly controlling you to the point. Often we become dependent on that control. So what happens if you're gonna look at that at like a balance, right? Speaker 1: (04:24)One side, I've got the control. What happens? Your control goes way down. You start questioning everything. You start questioning even your own thoughts. You start questioning if you know what's good for you, what's bad for you, right? Because they have enmeshed themselves so much and vice versa that you can, depending on the situation, how close you are, that a lot of narcissistic abuse is between two people that are cohabitating, um, or dating or in very close relationships. Even best friendships. Even if you don't live together, you're so enmeshed that there is a very unhealthy codependence going on, and that includes control usually on one person's end, which is the narcissist. So by regaining your control through this healing, it enables you to reclaim your autonomy and regain control over your life. Again, not just over your life, but trusting yourself again and saying, oh, I'm starting to see what I want and don't want, right? Speaker 1: (05:28)All those little decisions every day that we make, um, in my experience, it, it took a long time to even realize I had lost this ability to be confident in my own decisions. So it's a very common thing. You're not alone. Take a breath. We're all in this together. Um, and also regaining that control helps you realize the choices you have Now as a free person, you have these choices and you get to decide that you're good enough to make that choice and have that thing and live that life. And that's, that's where I get real riled up. I I'm gonna do a whole episode on that. Um, number three, you know, I'm a boundary lover. I have a whole course on this and beaches, I am giving a major special pricing because I'm so passionate about this today, that I wanna give you guys a really good deal if you've been looking at it. Speaker 1: (06:27)And this is the time to buy. It is an incredible price. It is such high value. And setting boundaries on this journey is literally life changing. You wanna talk about breaking the cycle. So not, not just that. You break the cycle for yourself, which obviously is important. That's the most important, right? You have to break the cycle of letting people like this in your life of dating people like this, of having friends that are controlling, having friends that you have to walk on eggshells around having, you know, family, uh, get togethers and feeling like, oh, you're just going to excuse such and such as abusive behavior because you're still stuck in the cycle. You might get away from one narcissist and still accept the behavior of another. So as a whole, we need to set these boundaries. Number three, setting boundaries so important. So, um, breaking the cycle involves setting and enforcing, right? Speaker 1: (07:29)So you have to first kind of evaluate the boundaries that you want. And that takes some deciding. Once you have that confidence going, Hey, I know what I want. I know this doesn't feel right in my body. And that gives you a big hint on what you do want and what your boundaries can be made from, right? And then you enforce, you have to actually enforce it, right? , which is crucial for maintaining a sense of self and protecting that emotional space we talked about in number one. So again, like walk, do not run to this boundaries course of mind. It is my baby. I love it. It, it will help you in so many ways. You, if you want to be able to break the cycle, this is like my secret ingredient to breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse in your life. It is, I mean, like, it's the, it's the meat and potatoes of the meal, okay? Speaker 1: (08:26)There's gonna be some spices and other little things you can do. We'll talk about those. But this is like the big, big important ingredient that you deserve to have. And I walk you through it, all of it. It is a video series. You can watch it at your own pace and I walk you through it. I handhold you and I'm here if you have questions, you can find me on Instagram or email me, my email's always in the show notes. I want to help you and walk you through setting boundaries so you can break the cycle for your new epic freaking life. All right? Number four, rebuilding that self-esteem. Oh, narcissistic abuse can erode your self-esteem. Can I get a what, what anyone? Yeah. And that self-worth, uh, mine was the word that comes up for me is like capable. Like I was made to feel like I was not capable and I was not interesting or not, um, what's the word? Speaker 1: (09:29)I mean, capable always comes to mind with my situation, right? Like I was just to ma made to feel that just I wasn't capable enough. I wasn't smart enough that, that whole thing, right? So valuable, worthy, all those words come up for narcissistic abuse victims. Um, so breaking free allows survivors to focus on rebuilding that self-esteem and creating this positive self-image of yourself. And I promise it can happen. I have a much better, um, image of myself now than I did years ago. Um, and it took realizing that, that I had it, uh, or self-image. I didn't even realize how bad of a self-image I had really for years starting to really go on this journey. I put a mirror up to myself, which you do when you're healing, right? And you're like, wow, wow. I really, I have a lot of negative talking to myself. Speaker 1: (10:25)I think these thoughts about myself, where did that come right? Do you think back? You do all the, the retroactive talking to yourself and having someone talk at you, it's like this again, it comes with enmeshment, right? Someone's telling you all the time who you are, what you're not, and you start to have those thoughts is my point. Okay? So rebuilding self-esteem in number five, this is the big one we're talking about breaking that cycle, not just for yourself. And I have a DD so I totally jumped and forgot to go back to this. But also if you are a parent, I know a lot of, there's a lot of moms in, in my little following. Um, you want to break the cycle for your children as well or for the people around you. It could be for your friends being a better role model when you're more positive and you have more light in general, right? Speaker 1: (11:20)You know those people, they're more positive and uplifting. They make everyone around them feel better, right? So join that club 'cause we're queens. We don't have time to be to be on that other end, right? So preventing further harm, that's basically number five. So you're learning these boundaries. You're building your self-esteem. You've got your control and your desires back on your terms, right? So narcissistic abuse can lead to long-term arm, but I want you to remember it does not have to be forever and so much can be undone. So breaking that cycle is a crucial step in preventing that further damage, right? So if you're out of this situationship or whatever right now that you were in, congratulations, I am so proud of you. There's all this healing. But we can do it, we can do it in sparkle by sparkles. That's what I always call it, right? Speaker 1: (12:21)Little by little sparkle by sparkle. This doesn't have to feel so hard. It doesn't. We can do it at your own pace. Trust yourself. Start to get to know yourself and how it feels and moving forward, you're going to be able to prevent further harm from being done. 'cause we've already, we've had our hurt. We're done. Come on. That's my hands slapping it away. We don't want it anymore. We're done with it. I refuse to take the I took before I refuse. So on that note, okay, let's wrap it up. So obviously if you've got a lot going on, you need a therapist or a life coach. If you're gonna do a life coach, please make sure it's someone who knows about narcissistic abuse. Like myself. If you wanna work with me, I'll put in the show notes too, how to work with me. One-on-one, okay? But it, it's great to have support during this journey if you don't already. Okay? I'm gonna end with that, but I wanna go into some, um, affirmations here because I'm feeling like we need it. Like we need to remind ourselves who we are ourselves, okay? Take a deep breath in your nose and exhale out your mouth. Speaker 1: (13:39)We're gonna do three. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Getting grounded. Okay, now I want you put your hands on your heart if you're in a space to do so. If you're driving, don't put your hands on your heart. That could be lead to bad things. Keep 'em on the wheel. . Just listen. If you are not, put your hands on your heart and repeat after me. I am better than I was treated. I will not tolerate or treatment anymore 'cause I'm a queen. Alright? I am so proud of you guys even for listening to this podcast. And please, this boundaries course will change your life and it is an insane price right now for the value. So beneficial. And it's just perfect for this podcast related to breaking the cycle because like I said, it is that secret ingredient that's no longer secret to you, okay? Speaker 1: (15:00)Of setting those boundaries. But there are secrets within, within the course, things you might not even think of when you're trying to evaluate and set boundaries. And it's fun. I mean, I'm hosting it, it's gotta be fun, right? And again, reach out if you have questions about it. Um, so I'll put that link with your special pricing in the show notes. And I'll also put like my one-on-one, how you can work with me. If you wanna get that like super, like I'm ready for like a major up level. You can slide in over there and check out my um, one-on-one offers. And I hope y'all are having a great week. Love you. Let's do our smooches and our deuces. I will see you in the next episode.

Ep 63 | Emotional Healing Through Decluttering & My Declutter Challenge

Decluttering has become such buzz word a hot topic. Marie Kondo really exploded it. But her style is too overwhelming for people who have gone through trauma. I have found a great technique that works wonders for people like you and I who already have overwhelm and need to do things bit by bit AKA sparkle by sparkle! So let's talk about how my declutter technique actually helps HEAL more than your home!
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@ChristyJade
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WAYS TO WORK WITH ME:
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3 month coaching package (with unlimited voxer access between calls)
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello? Hello. Today we are going to talk about decluttering. This is something I've been dabbling with leading on my YouTube channel for years. It is one of the things I do that, uh, people get a little excited about. So I was like, why don't I do a lovely little podcast about the relation between decluttering and healing. So that's what we're gonna talk about. So stay close, and if you're on YouTube, you can stare at my face as I talk. And if you're on podcast, here's my voice. Hello. And you podcasters get a special little intro. Do, do, do. Speaker 1: (00:46)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kinda lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:43)But now we're back from the intro. Alright, so like I said, we are going to dive into decluttering for emotional healings today. Now decluttering, it's, it's become such a, I don't know, like a hot word, hot topic. Marie Kondo really exploded it. Ali Caza, who is one of my actual mentors, um, also really became, well, well-known for her declutter course, and then she became a bestselling author with her book called Declutter Like a mother that I highly recommend. And she's amazing. Um, and it just has become such a thing because it can have so many benefits besides the obvious just decluttering your space. So I wanted to talk about, for people who have gone through trauma or just are overwhelmed at a really deep level where overwhelm leads their life and they have high anxiety or depression, your space can get out of, can get out of control, right? Speaker 1: (02:51)So decluttering can have many positive effects on the mental and emotional wellbeing, which contributes to healing. So your healing journey, if you're listening to me on my normal podcast about narcissism and abuse and how to make life better in general, you're someone who is probably on a healing journey or getting there. So here are some reasons why decluttering can be beneficial. And we might have a follow-up episode with this. Um, depending on how well it's received. If, if the people wanna hear more about decluttering, let me know. So first of all, the obvious one I think most of us know is reduced stress, because clutter in your living space can create visual chaos and can contribute to feelings of o overwhelm. Not everybody has this, but a lot of people who already feel overwhelmed and anxious. This can definitely happen to, if your space is cluttered and there's a lot of just things that ever, basically every item you have, you have to manage. Speaker 1: (03:58)So if you're someone who's overwhelmed, you're already feeling overwhelmed by decision fatigue, just making all sorts of decisions and actions. Maybe you're juggling your work, your home life, your kids, your friendships, travels, whatever. There's, there's a lot of balls we have in the air, especially I know a lot of you are moms like I am. So when you have that more organized, serene environment, it can reduce the stress and promote that sense of calm that we're striving for, right? A lot of us are like, I just wanna have calm. I wanna feel like I have my together. And when your house is, for me, I, this goes hand in hand. I am so tied to my environment, like hands down. I used to say to my mom, like, you'll know how my week's going. If you look at my room when I was like a teenager, right? Speaker 1: (05:00)Like having a good week, it was kind of tidy, feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. It was reflected in my environment. I think that's pretty common. So that can also though be like chicken and egg, where by doing these declutters, I'm actually doing a declutter challenge on my YouTube right now. It's a 30 day challenge. So if you're on my YouTube, go check those out. If you haven't, if you are not on my YouTube, go find me. I'm Christy Jade, C-H-R-I-S-T-Y, Jade. And you'll see my declutter series has started, and I have previous past Declutters on there too. Um, but I do declutter in a dash and I do that for people like myself and others like me that get overwhelmed easily. And the Marie Kondo ain't working because we don't, we cannot, we don't have the capacity to pull out an entire wardrobe, lay it on our bed and pretend we're gonna actually get that done quickly and we're gonna end up having to sleep in the guest room, right? Speaker 1: (06:06)Like, I don't have the capacity to do these huge overhauls. Occasionally I'll do one if I'm in that spirit of life, but, but it's rare. These mini declutters are where it's at for people like us. It is, I'd say 10 to 30 minutes tops is ideal. And that's also including the time you take to, um, allocate the items that either go to the trash or giveaway or to like another room, right? So anyway, I'm getting sidetracked here, but I, that's kind of like the intro into it is, yes, it reduces stress. This, this is how and why, and in these mini sessions is the best way for people like you and I to do this, right? If you have an, a big chunk of time and a big chunk of money, it's great if you can have someone come in and like redo everything in a few days. Speaker 1: (07:04)But the everyday person doesn't have that. Okay? Number two, another way that decluttering helps is improved focus and productivity. Productivity. I always say that word, word anyway, because a clutter-free space allows you to focus better on the tasks. Again, I will work from home. If I'm sitting there either on the phone with a client or typing up doing all the backend stuff that I do for my business, and there's a pile of laundry to the right of me on a chair, where is my attention gonna be? It's gonna be split. So it's so important to keep things decluttered and keep up with, um, cleaning routines, which I, if you guys want me to, um, I will also, you can email me, my email's always in the show notes. You can email and ask me my cleaning routine right now. It is just, it's awesome. Um, it, it's very helpful for keeping up with it with cleaning and laundry. Speaker 1: (08:11)Laundry is a big one. Oh, okay. Knocking stuff over. So you're less likely to be distracted by the mess, which can lead to increased productivity, right? And that sense of I've accomplished something. So that is number two. Number three, enhanced emotional wellbeing. As I talked about, physical clutter can be often a reflection of your mental clutter. So sorting through your, and organizing your belongings. That's why I was saying the chicken and egg right can help you process and release emotional attachment to objects. And again, this is a process, but it can be cathartic. Um, I've done it even with, let's say in the past, like when I had like ex-boyfriend stuff, you know, I had a little bin of, you know, the cards and mementos and stuff and it was like, I wasn't excited to do it, but when I finally did it and released that quote clutter, it did help release, right? Speaker 1: (09:19)Because I don't have that in my space anymore. The, I'm a big energy person, if you don't know that about me, and even knowing it's in my space is taking up some, some of that emotional space, that emotional clutter, because I don't need from my ex-boyfriend if I'm not with my boyfriend, right? I even did it with an old friend. We had a little box that were cheesy butts, um, of cards and just same type of thing, tickets. And yeah, there were some good memories, but, um, she wasn't so kind to me in the end. And so there was a, they were tainted anyway. And so I released those and just having that out of my space. And I know that's, you know, like past this and that. But there can also be things like, um, let's say like things with negative associations. Like let's say you're a prom dress, you just hold onto it for nostalgia. Speaker 1: (10:21)But whenever you see it in your closet, let's say you have in your closet, it's just in the back there and it's like, oh, nostalgia. But let's say you've gained some weight. I just know this has happened to some people. I've had client that held onto a lot of clothes from the past and she'd gained weight and it was a reminder, like every time she looked at it, she'd feel bad about herself. And I'm like, girl, first of all, that was like 20 years ago. We've all grown and you are a new you and that is holding you back. And we don't wanna feel stuck, right? I'm like, antis, stuckness. That's what all my coaching is about. We don't wanna be stuck. We want to be living in the now and looking forward to the future, creating the future we want. So does staring at things that are, have negative feelings, like listen to your body, booboos, you're looking at something in your closet and it makes you feel bad, get rid of it, right? Speaker 1: (11:18)So that's another kind of angle on the emotional wellbeing aspect. Number four, clear reminded, this goes hand in hand kind of with, I was saying you're working from home or just in general, but a tidy space often does translate to a clearer mind. And when you remove the clutter, you may find it easier to think clearly. So besides being a distraction, like you're looking at that laundry pile, I do again, believe in the energy of when there's a bunch of chaos around. It is harder for me to think, even if I'm not looking at it, even if I'm staring at my screen. It's kind of just knowing it's there and feeling this like chaotic energy around, right? So decluttering is creating a more harmonious and positive environment. I noticed that just today I took down my, I had a bunch of Christmas stuff up and we took, you know, we took it down like a week ago or something. Speaker 1: (12:14)Um, but I, I have felt more at peace in my living room. I love Christmas. I love Christmas decor, but with a child, the decor got a little outta hand and she likes all little things and plays with them. I'm like, I know I'm gonna miss this one day. So I take it all out. But it felt so calm having so much less stuff around after the holiday, clear out, you know, number six, increased self-esteem. So actually accomplishing the task of doing the decluttering, that alone can build your confidence and self-esteem. I know it does for me. I'm like, look at me. Go look at me. Declutter the crap outta my kitchen. Go ahead girl. Getting rid of all those VAEs yesterday. Um, it shows that you have the ability to take control of your surroundings, which sometimes we feel like we're out of control. Speaker 1: (13:08)Like we don't have control. Like we don't have our together. So even that's what I love. I'm very immediate satisfaction and I know a lot of my followers are too, right? I tend to attract people like myself. That's a thing with a lot of, I don't know what you call me, I don't wanna say I'm an influencer, but like whatever a a, I'm a vibe . No, but I'm, I'm in a public space, right? And a lot of times you will attract people that are like you. So knowing what I know from talking to my followers, my subscribers and just knowing how the world works with when you follow people, it's 'cause you resonate usually, right? Um, it, I think we have this love the dopamine hit of like doing something quickly and feeling accomplished and good about it. Like, yes, I did that and not having it take, you know, two months to, to complete. Speaker 1: (14:04)That's why I love these quick declutters. 'cause it's like, yes, I did that look, yes. Ooh, I cleared out a a drawer in like seven minutes and I have like, you know, a third more space and that feels good and I did that and I can, it's like a reminder. I can take control of things even if it's little by little, right? Because that can, that's a whole other story. But that can relate to, and that's how I do my coaching as well. We can't do everything at once, but little by little it really feels better than you might think. And you, it's like a snowball effect where the, the more you do those little by little, the bigger the impact, the bigger the effect. And it's amazing. And that's why I love coaching. 'cause it's so fun to watch people grow so quickly. Um, but it is kind of, I call it sparkle by a sparkle. Speaker 1: (14:55)So that self-esteem will rise. Number seven, space for new beginnings. La la la. So decluttering can be symbolic of letting go of the past, like I mentioned, and making room for new. And this is, this is your environment. This is also decluttering those nasty, toxic people outta your life. That, that was like a benefit I had of when I kind of decluttered a lot of, not just physical, but just I did a lot of work emotionally years ago. And it was, it was hard, but, but distancing from toxic anything or chaotic anything, environment people. Um, I did a lot of it and it was like a lot to handle 'cause it was a lot at once. But I will say holy cannoli, yeah, I said holy cannoli, the space it opened up for new people that I didn't even know. Like, such empowering, uplifting women even existed honestly, that were like, that I had access to. Speaker 1: (16:04)If that makes sense. You know, you see women like motivational speakers or whatever, these, you know, people that seem far off, but these are like real life everyday women that I have become friends with. And I would not have had the open space if I wouldn't have taken out the toxic people out of my life. And it's similar, right? With decluttering. I mean that's a tip in general, that's always a tip for me. But talking about our physical space, same thing. Clear out what is not working for you, right? You get rid of those nine pairs of old pants that you just don't fit in and they make you feel bad. Get rid of those and maybe go get yourself a couple pairs of cute new pants that make you feel good, that fit you now. And you're looking in the mirror and you're like, Gina, I do still got it. Speaker 1: (16:53)Okay. Um, so the space for new beginnings, I love that. And last, there's, there's more benefits, but I'm gonna wrap it up with number eight, better physical health. So a clutter, flee, flea. Flea, a clutter-free environment can be easier to maintain and clean. So first of all, the time you get back, I just wanna throw that, that's kind of, that's physical health related to in a way, but it's also, it's separate. The time you get back is insane. The less you have, the less you have to clean and manage every single item you have to manage. Imagine, think about all the items you have in your house. Picture 'em. Gosh, like that's, that for me is a reminder. Whenever I feel like, oh, I don't know if I wanna get rid of this. I do sit and think about Christie, think about all the stuff you have. Speaker 1: (17:44)Imagine all of it. That's so overwhelming to think about. This will feel good to just get rid of it. Get rid of it, right? So all the things that are not working for you, that means they are working against you, that's against your health. Also. The more stuff you have, the less clean, the more allergens you have. I know that for a fact when I lived in a one bedroom apartment with all wood floors and barely anything in it, my allergies were not as bad as when I moved in a house with a bunch of carpet and accumulated a lot of stuff. Uh, huge difference, right? And just creating like a healthier living space, right? And I will say this, when I do these declutters, I get more steps in getting those steps in through decluttering, organizing. It's, I don't know, it's my like hyperfocus right now. Speaker 1: (18:40)And I love it because I'm getting my steps in on top of my workouts. I'm gonna dance class, um, aiming four times a week and it's a great free way to get a workout, right? You're going from room to room. Like you can make it more time. I know we're doing the declutter in a dash, but that's 10 minutes of some sort of physical activity. And if you wanna go for 30, you wanna go for an hour 'cause you have the time that day or you wanna allocate that time, say, oh, I could do that. That could be in my workout dance while you're doing it. You know, I do. I mean, not on camera 'cause you couldn't hear me, but when I clean and I organize on my own, declutter on my own, I jam out and dance and bop around. So burn, burn, baby burn. Speaker 1: (19:30)So remember, the process of decluttering is personal and the benefits do vary from person to person. Oh, someone's beeping me. Um, it's not just about tidying up the physical space, but creating the mental and emotional space, right? It's all intertwined. And I know it's not easy, but what I always try to do with my clients in my coaching world with decluttering, whatever it is, is I'm trying to help make life more fun. At the end of the day, I want life to be simpler and fun for you and decluttering, doing it in a dash, I hope is feels lighter for you and that you can look forward to it and say, oh, I, I got 10 minutes. I gotta a half hour instead of like, these major overhauls that are so overwhelming. And maybe we have the energy to do that sometimes, and that's cool. Speaker 1: (20:32)But if you are like me, I do not have that often. And these, I do get excited to do these with you guys and I just love doing this declutter challenge and I might continue it or I don't know, you'll, you guys, I'll get your feedback toward the end of it. Um, if you want me to continue or do a new challenge, like an organizational challenge. But it's, it's very freeing feeling and it's simple. It's, you know, it's just, and when you get into that daily habit, it's so helpful. So again, if you're on YouTube watching me, just go to my channel where you already are and um, watch my declutters subscribe if you're not subscribed. And if you are listening and you didn't even know I had a YouTube channel surprise, I have YouTube channel and I do, I don't know, I do random. Speaker 1: (21:22)I'm random Christie. So I do declutters, I do makeup videos. I might start a series on Wednesday nights of past dating stories. I thought that would be fun. My husband thought that was like a grand idea. He actually, I think he gave it to me when I was telling dating stories because I have crazy, insane dating stories. So that could be fun. Um, but yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm just me just living my best life, trying to have fun, keep things peaceful and simple, but have fun doing it right, like healing. I love a good heel. Healing can be fun too. So if you're looking for help in that area, on the emotional side, I am a light. I don't like to even say life coach. I need to find a new name for myself. But basically, especially if you've been through some stuff and you're just not feeling good and you want that sparkly life, that just joy. Speaker 1: (22:16)Like we're not, we're not looking to be, you know, queen of the entire world, but we're queens. That's my thing. We are queens and we should treat ourselves like queens. Other people should treat us like queens. I'm not saying 'cause we're better. We're all deserving. God created us right? As these people who should not be, um, what's the word I'm looking? Suffering basically, right? Like we should, he doesn't want us to suffer every day. He's sky daddy. That's why I call him Sky Daddy wants us to live our purpose. And if you're not a God person, that's cool. It's your higher, higher person. What's it called? Your higher self, right? What's your higher self want? And there's so many ways to help heal yourself. And I do believe decluttering. It sounds so weird. Like, oh, decluttering is healing, but it truly is. And I can vouch for it because whenever I do it, I feel such a dopamine hit and that like, like I said, this accomplished. Speaker 1: (23:21)Like, yeah, I did it. You know, I'm doing the thing even if it's bit by bit. Um, so thank you for listening. If you're on audio, hello. Hello. Come join my YouTube and if you can see my face, hi. I can't even see my face. I don't even have my thing on right now. There we go. I couldn't see 'cause I had my notes to the side. I gotta keep notes. I have a DDI need some notes up in here. So I hope you enjoyed this podcast. And like I said, you have, you have the my email address. The email address fierce mama C at gmail that's in the podcast notes. So shoot me a note, say hi. The links to How to Work with me, ways to work with Me are always in the show notes. So check those out and say hi on YouTube. All right, Bibo boo, I love you. Are we gonna do, we're not gonna do, um, 'cause I think this is running long. How long is this? It doesn't say, I feel like this is long. So we're not gonna do affirmations this one, but I will try next time. Okay. Excuse me. Pardon me. Love you. So smooches and deuces. I will see you in the next episode. Speaker 2: (24:29)Ah.

Ep 62 | 5 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays After Disconnecting from Family or Loved Ones

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The Grey Rock Method episode mentioned:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
 
WAYS TO WORK WITH ME:
Intake “Power Hour” coaching call 
https://calendly.com/butstillshethrives/intakecall
1 month coaching  package 
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/ 
3 month coaching package (with unlimited voxer access between calls)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ 
 
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is almost Christmas. For those of you who celebrate, we have been kind of touching on the holiday season and today we are gonna talk about five ways to enjoy the holidays after disconnecting from a family member or loved one. So stay tuned. We will dive in. Speaker 1: (00:24)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:21)Alright, so first and foremost, I know it is very difficult to disconnect from someone in general, especially a narcissist. They know how to make it all worse somehow. And especially at holiday season, it can be really tough, especially if this is your first holiday slash Christmas without them. So we're gonna talk about five ways that can help you get through it a little easier. I'm not gonna say it's gonna be so easy if you do these things, but it can lighten the load a little bit. Number one, this was very important for me. Surrounding yourself with as many people as you can who love you, uplift you and support your decision. Often when we disconnect from narcissists, they usually have people, we may have people in common that can guilt trip us, make us out to be the bad guy because the narcissist may have smeared our name or done whatever they do, right to um, alter people's opinions of us. Speaker 1: (02:34)They will lie, they will do whatever they need to do so they look like the good guy, right? So the trick here is to try to use those blinders with the haters. So this is kind of going in hand in hand with surrounding yourself with the people that are actually there for you and supportive of you. It's also keeping the people that are not away from you. That should be always, but especially at holiday time. Whatever you can do if you have to block people on social media, block 'em. I've blocked a lot of people and at first it was kind of tough. It felt weird. It felt like, oh great, now I look like even more of an a-hole. But I knew I had to do that for my own peace. And we are here to protect our peace first and foremost for ourselves, for our immediate family. Speaker 1: (03:24)Or you know, if you have children, that was a big thing for me. I want my daughter to have peace and if something is going to mess with my peace, it's kind of a domino effect where it can affect the people around you. So smash that guilt coin. Squish it, squish it and wish it. Alright, so building that support system going into the holiday. And if I know some of you do have to be at actual dinners, Christmas exchanges, whatever, with someone you may not be talking to or you are trying to have limited conversations, also go to, I forget what number it is, oh episode, it's on the Gray Rock Method. I'll try to remember to link it in the show notes. But the gray rock method, you can search my name and Gray Rock Method, um, the name of the podcast in Gray Rock Method. Speaker 1: (04:09)It'll come up. But it helps you if you don't know how to navigate a narcissist, if you have to have contact with them, the gray rock method is the best way to go. So let's say you're in this situation at a dinner, at a Christmas exchange that will help you know how to navigate it. Um, so that's another thing to just throw in there. I know some people you are, you feel like you are stuck and you have to, um, and if you are in that situation that can really help you deal with it. But keep just quick tips on that. Keep your time limited, keep your emotions out of it. Very short answers if at all. If there has to be a conversation, yes or no. And make sure that you always have your own way to get in and out of somewhere because you have permission to remove yourself from any situation at any time. Speaker 1: (05:08)Get up, get out, say deuces. Okay, number two, creating new traditions. So sometimes when we've either been in a romantic relationship with somebody or it's someone who is our child, our parent, our sibling, we not, we aren't just grieving the loss of a person, even though we're doing it for our benefit, it's still a loss. It's still something we have to grieve and go through the process of grieving. On top of that, we grieve holidays, we grieve traditions that we did that you know, there are some obviously bad memories with these people, but then there may be some good memories. There may be some holiday traditions that you did and loved. So creating new traditions that could be with yourself, that can be fun. Hey, 30 miracle on 34th Street in my pajamas with some popcorn. Yes. Um, or, and or also creating traditions with other loved ones like those people in your support system that we talked about. Speaker 1: (06:09)Um, and if you don't have a support system, I'm telling you the online world is amazing. There are support groups for all the things. So you can go and search for people online if you don't have a group of friends or support near you right now. Alright? So creating those new traditions with those new people. And if you meet an online friend, you guys could even do, what do they call it? There's some app where you can like watch movies together, like from different parts of the world. I think it's so cool. Um, and you can like chat and whatever through it. I just think that's neat. So there's an idea you could make that kind of a holiday tradition. Alright, number three, you know all about that Self-care life using the holidays in general is like, there's so much chaos. It's like an automatic good excuse for self-care. Speaker 1: (07:06)And when you are feeling down, when you have disconnected from somebody and you're having a hard time, it's really important to prioritize yourself, you know? And sometimes that can be hard though. Easier said than done it sounds like. Okay. Yeah, that's great. So you do have to get that momentum. Do the, what is it called, five second rule, Mel Robbins, her little trick, the five second rule where you count down from five and just like do the thing, just get up. I always do it for the gym. I'll be honest, I'm not like a gym rat. I have to kind of force myself. I love it when I'm there, but it's like getting that momentum. So I use that where I put my shoes right next to my bed. So it's just like a boom, get up, go to the gym. So I go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Speaker 1: (07:54)Get up. Just get up. Like that's a no matter what, you have to get up. So it take, it can take some training, but there are little tools and you can always, there's so much free information on Google. If you really wanna be happy and you aren't that self-motivated, you can definitely get support. We'll go into that at the end here 'cause I love to help supporting people like this. But there is help out there. There's therapists, there's coaches, there's people that can help you. Um, but if you have that self-motivation, do the five second rule and look on Google. That was where I was going. I squirrel to my brain went squirrel. But if you go to Google, you can find so many free tools of how to motivate yourself. There's a lot of different ways and methods, all of that, just like the five second rule is one that came to my mind that I use myself. Speaker 1: (08:49)Um, so what does self-care look like? There's so many ways. Obviously exercise is great. Getting in your body is, it's just so beneficial to get out of your head and into your body. That is my, the best way I get out of my own anxieties or worries is going literally like into the body dancing. If you've been following me while, you know I love to dance, I dance all the time. But reading, taking long walks, practicing any hobby, painting, whatever. Take up a new dang hobby or do a spa day. If you are disconnected, let's say you are feeling lonely. Do something nice where you can sit, read with a book cup of coffee and then go take a little half day at the spa. You deserve it. You're a queen. So taking care of yourself during this time period, and especially if you have gone through narcissistic abuse or you have disconnected from someone and you're just struggling, this is a really great way to obviously take care of yourself. It's self-explanatory, self-care. But I understand sometimes it's a hard to get that little nudge in your butt. So getting support is very important as well as looking up ways to help motivate yourself. You gotta help yourself to help yourself. Number four, I put a number one up if you're watching me on video. You see, I don't know my numbers today. Number four is practicing gratitude. Speaker 1: (10:23)My best friend, well I don't know why I have a weird accent now. My best friend says this is her. She uses gratitude as a weapon. And I get it. It's like when something hard comes at you, if you can muster up. And sometimes we feel like we can't, but there's always something to be grateful for. There is. That's just a fact. It's just are we allowing ourselves to see it? To marinate in it. If you're having a really day or time, it might be hard, but you know, there is something if you can just grab one thing, it can lift you a little bit. One thing you are grateful for. And then challenge yourself to write down. I'm big on pen and paper. Y'all writing down gratitudes rather than just saying them. I feel in my experience are it's more beneficial. But reflecting on those positive aspects of your life, writing them down, it could be as small as that chocolate covered cherry was epic and made me just burst with joy last night, night. Speaker 1: (11:27)Okay, I don't know, I don't know what you're eating in your late night, your late night hurrah. Um, my personal favorite right now is apple cider ice cream. Oh no. Apple pie ice cream. It's so good. By the way. Little, a little thing if you're a wet brand, hold on. Oh, it's called ala mode, right? Little commercial. I'm not sponsored ala mode. Please sponsor me and send me all the free ice cream. Um, but there is a brand, especially if any of you have allergies or your children have allergies. Alamo is like an allergen friendly place in New York. You have to order in bulk, but that's okay 'cause it's delicious. Apple pie is like the best flavor ever, but they have really good flavors, okay? Into our non fake commercial aspect. So being grateful for that ice cream. Maybe it's something big. Maybe you got a promotion, but you're so focused on your relationships, you're just not feeling that excited. Speaker 1: (12:23)Really focus on that. Like close your eyes, feel it in your body, you know, like where you were and where you are now despite what's going on. We can always find something. We can always find something. So you can even start a gratitude journal that every morning and every night, preferably you write in. Um, when I started my whole, I don't know, healing journey, that is something I did. Now I should do it every day still, but I don't. I do it here and there when I'm feeling like it. Um, but it is a great way, it's a great weapon as my friend says. All right, last but definitely not least, you know, I love boundaries and I am actually giving 10% off of my boundaries course. Yeah, you heard it. Boundaries. It's the B word. My boundaries course 10% off for you guys. So I will put a link in the podcast notes for the boundary. Speaker 1: (13:23)I'm trying to think if I can do coupon code. I'm on a doing a new system for my courses and I just decided to do this today. So I don't have it set up, but I will figure it out and put a link to it there in the information. But my boundaries course is awesome and this is so important, so important to set. Well establish what your boundaries are and really like a quick zip. Some people are like, I don't even know what my boundaries are. How to set boundaries. A really quick, quick, this is like the quickest, most surface level thing I can do with this at this moment. But for the podcast sake, I'll try doing. I do a hell yes, hell no list. It's even in my course and I go into like a lot more detail on it. But the hell yeses in your life and the hell nos. Speaker 1: (14:15)And starting with let's say something that's a hell no. That you wanna make a hell yes. Our goal is to get those hell nos into the hell yes side, right? Like all the things that are not aligned and not working in your life. How can we get those over to the hell? Yes. So a really quick surface level one to start set, start setting your boundaries. 'cause you, if you don't set boundaries, you probably have many to do, but take a little, a little sparkle by. A little sparkle, okay? So the first thing you write, just write out a few, don't overwhelm yourself. All right, we got time, we got time. Write just a couple boundaries maybe at the most five to start. I mean the hell yes and hell no, right? So what are five things that work, five things that aren't working. Speaker 1: (14:59)Let's say one thing that's not working is, um, your mother's very overbearing and you still feel like a child around her and she tells you what to do and dah, dah, dah. I don't know, I'm just grabbing one with like a one. I have heard that's more common than you may think from clients of mine, right? Like they're mothers are overly involved in their lives and sometimes they still feel like children. That's a boundary to set, right? So let's say that's a hell no. The the way to get it into the hell yes is to start setting boundaries around that. Not saying, Hey, get rid of your mom, cut her out. That is not our goal here with this. The, I mean, if it's a pattern and gets abusive, right? Whatever, that's a whole other episode. But let's say, you know, it's just a lot of moms, they're used to, you know, you're their kid, but at a certain age we're like over it. Speaker 1: (15:55)Like, all right, look, I'm a bird, I'm flying, just let me go. Um, so you could set a boundary around that, right? Like it could be either a talk with her or setting, maybe you don't answer the phone every time. Let's say she calls like 5 million times a day, you don't answer the phone, stuff like that. Okay? Um, that is maybe not the best example, but I'm just on a whim here. And , I don't plan my podcasts, right? I don't plan them out. And that's why when you work with me, we get more time to really think about, think about these things and customize it for you. So I'm just thinking of a random example I thought of that I know at least three women that of my clients had issues with their mothers being way too involved in their lives and the, and even their parenting, like over advising on how they were parenting their kids, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (16:54)So setting boundaries, right? So that's a quick way you can start to set boundaries to just give you a like a little tool. Um, but my boundaries course I will give you 10% off. That'll be a limited time. Um, I'm actually raising the price next year. So rabbit wallet, ah, yes, it is 10 prerecorded videos. They're dripped out once every week so you can, you know, do it at that pace and, but you have like a lifetime to watch them. But I think the dripping out once a week is good to keep you like having that momentum and it comes out and you're like, okay, yes, gonna do this this week. So it starts with, you know, evaluating what boundaries you need. Then it's establishing the boundaries. It's having the conversations about the boundaries. It's maintaining the boundaries. It even, we even talk, we as in me and my three personalities. Speaker 1: (17:49)I don't know, me, me, myself, and I . I also talk about setting boundaries with yourself, like phone boundaries. I, this one is one of the favorite parts. It's like that unexpected little cherry on top of the, of the course. Um, one of my clients was like my favorite one was the phone boundaries. Like she wasn't even expecting that I was kind of outta nowhere, but she said that helped her be so much more productive and just feel more peaceful. She said she didn't realize how much her phone was like running her life and how dependent she was on it, where it was actually causing her stress. Like she had to always be on and available and like at the beck and call of her phone, if that makes sense. So I like that part too. It's a good one. Um, except if you're interested, check out my show notes and get that boundaries course now while it's hot, fresh and hot. Speaker 1: (18:49)Um, and even if you just watch a video or two before Christmas, you could get a little insight before you see your peeps at Christmas time. But just in general, a problem. A lot of people who have been through narcissistic abuse or trauma or had alcoholic parents or emotionally unavailable parents hard childhoods in whatever way, a lot of us have issues with setting and holding boundaries. So that's why I created that course because it's so important and most of the people who have gone through it are dealing with it. So if you're listening to this, you might have some problems setting boundaries. So get it. All right. So remember it is okay to feel sad. Like we don't wanna bypass our feelings or think we're stupid for feeling this way or we're too sensitive or what. No, like you've been through some, okay? But you're a queen. Speaker 1: (19:55)So you are going to figure out how can I get through this the best I can. That's why you're here. That's why you're listening to this, right? You want to help yourself. Self-help, right? And sometimes we don't have all the answers or we haven't been through the process long enough to be on the other side. So we need a little help and guidance. So there's my boundaries course, if you wanna work with me, one-on-one, I have nothing until probably maybe mid-January. Um, but you can apply. I can put a link for you to sign up for working one-on-one with me. I'm doing some amazing somatic healing work as well. So we are healing from the inside of the body out . It's so creepy sounding, isn't it when I say it like that? Um, but if you want sustainable healing, you have to really work with the body mindset's great. Speaker 1: (20:54)I do a lot of mindset work and now I'm bringing in all this body work and I'm seeing the results. So if you want to work with me and either way, either through the course that is prerecorded, I am not involved live in that, or one-on-one, check out my links in the lovely little description box and have peace. No, don't take the bait with narcissists with anybody that are acting like jerks. Don't take the bait. Remember? Like, don't be afraid. We've gotta release this fear around, oh, we don't wanna look bad or hurt feeling someone's treating you bad. It's not okay. You have permission to stand up for yourself or to walk away. All of the above. Be like, Krista, Jade sent me. She said, I'm not gonna tolerate you'll BS 'cause I'm a queen. All right, hands on heart. This is, this is a good one. Speaker 1: (21:51)All right, we are going to end with an affirmation or two or three. Hold on. I'm trying to, if you can see me on the video. Um, I put this on YouTube for those of you like, what is she talking about? This is on YouTube as well. My YouTube channel is Christy Jade or Fierce, Christy Jade, I don't even remember, but it's one of those. Um, and I thought it'd be fun to do video podcasts as well. So here I am looking crazy, jumping around, trying to get comfortable. All right, hands on heart, take a deep breath in and release. We're gonna do three of these. Inhale and release. Inhale. We're gonna hold this one at the top. Inhale, hold it, hold it. And when we release in a second, when you exhale, exhale everything, you got all that BSS out. Exhale. Keep going, keep going. Don't pass out. Okay. All right. So we're a little looser. Okay? I am stronger than my fear. Repeat after me. I am stronger than my fear. I give myself permission to walk away. I don't have to tolerate from anybody 'cause I'm a queen. Yay. Alright. I know this can be a hard time, but I got got your back. I love you. I'm here. I get you. I see you. I'm holding you. I'm giving you a big bear hug and happy holidays, as happy as they can be. If you're going through a hard time, have a little moment, a little squeezy hug. And don't forget your smooches and your deuces and I will see you in the next episode of, but still, she thrives.

Ep 61 | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Meditation for the Holiday Season

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she saw . We rewind. I'm, it's a bad week. Cora. Cora has COVID kind of a mess. So let's, let's start over there. Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is Christy. If you don't know who I am, I'm Christy Jade and I am a coach for narcissistic abuse recovery. I do work with people who have not been through narcissistic abuse, but it's my specialty and the majority of my clients have gone through some sort of abuse specifically, usually narcissistic. Um, so that being said, today we're gonna do a special little episode. So stay close, stay very close, not too close. Don't get creepy close. Um, and we are going to do an actual meditation going into the holidays because we all need it. If we have a narcissist in our life, if we are healing from narcissistic abuse, this will be helpful. So stay tuned. Speaker 1: (01:03)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with. I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (02:00)Alright, as promised, we are going to do a little guided meditation. I love these. I love doing them. Like when other people guide me through and I love to guide my clients through. And I thought I would do just a little guided one specifically for the holidays. 'cause you lis, if you listen to my last episode, you know that the creepy crawling narcs do come out full force holiday season. So first, find a quiet and comfortable space, okay? Where you won't be disturbed if possible. That's the best way to do this. And you can sit down comfortably, whatever's comfortable. There's no right or wrong with meditating. And if you want to, sometimes I wanna max and relax on my back. I even have a meditation chair that reclines all the way back. Like it has different levels. It's amazing. Um, it's right behind me. And that's where I meditate sometimes. I basically am in a snooze position. All right? So get cozy. All right. First, just take a big breath and just kind of shake out. Shake out any energy you have. Okay? First we're gonna do grounding. So we're gonna begin by bringing your awareness to the present moment. And you can keep your eyes open or closed. Most people prefer to close them, but whatever feels good to you, whatever feels safe, feel the ground beneath you, whether it's under your butt or your back, whatever is supporting your body. Speaker 1: (03:36)And I invite you to inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. We're gonna repeat this two more times. Inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale anchoring you to the present moment. Then we're gonna create a safe space. So I'd like you to visualize a place that brings you a sense of peace and safety. This is gonna be different for everybody. It could be a beach, maybe somewhere tucked away in a forest. Maybe it's just a special room you have in your house that you enjoy being. Maybe it's your car. I know some of us moms tuck away in the car, giving ourselves a few more minutes before we enter the chaos. , wherever feels safe and peaceful for you, I want you to, to visualize that space and picture yourself in this space surrounded by a yellow, warm, protective light. Speaker 1: (05:08)Now get nice and settled in there. And now I want you to imagine creating a boundary of light around yourself. So this is almost this beautiful, warm, peaceful sphere of a boundary around yourself. A shield. Visualize this as a strong and resilient barrier, allowing only love and positive energy to enter this energy, this space around you. I want you to just feel that no matter what is outside of this sphere, the only things that can penetrate into this energy field around you are things that feel loving, peaceful, uplifting, and positive. So I want you to just bask in that for a moment and then I invite you to envision the healing light within you starting at your heart center. Speaker 1: (06:30)Let's picture this as a light blue, glowing light that's growing brighter. With each breath you take spreading warmth and comfort through your whole body. As you see it expand, feel it gently releasing any tension or pain as it grows through each part of your body. Imagine it just melting any tension or pain away. Now I invite you to just sit here and watch this energy grow from the heart center out, down through your legs, your feet. Imagine it expanding through your rib cage, your back, your abdomen, your chest. Imagine it expanding through your shoulders, the tops of your arms, your lower arms. Speaker 1: (07:49)And imagine it expanding through your neck, your jaw, your head, all the way at the top where your crown chakra is. This is your inner healing light. We can heal from within. Next, we're going to have a little self-compassion for ourselves, which can be hard for some, but just breathe into it. And I want you during this to acknowledge any emotions that arise without judgment. We so often really want to analyze and judge our own thoughts. Uh, I'd love you to just allow yourself to feel and release any negative feelings that come up there. Any stress and anxiety that's living in your body right now. Speaker 1: (08:51)Take a moment to see what comes up. Just observe it. Don't analyze it. Just I see you. Yeah, there it is. Right? Okay. Maybe some sadness comes up. Discouragement, frustration. Just observe the feeling and remind yourself, giving yourself grace that it's okay to feel these emotions. We all get sad. We all get angry. We all get frustrated. You deserve love and compassion just as much as anyone else. Sometimes we give that to our friends, but don't give it to ourselves. Right? You can hear yourself saying, no friend, it's okay to feel this way. It's time to say that to yourself. It's okay. Observe and release. Speaker 1: (09:58)So in this part of the meditation, I want you to imagine a golden light of forgiveness surrounding you. Extend this towards those who may have caused you pain. This there could be high resistance to in our situations, but this does not condone. It does not condone their actions. I wanna make that very clear. But it releases us of the burden of holding onto the resentment that only has an effect on us. We carry that. We've been through so much. Let's not add to what we have to carry around with us. That resentment. And this might be hard, especially if you're earlier in your journey of healing. That's okay. Speaker 1: (10:58)Maybe you can just release a little and say, I would like to forgive. Maybe you can't forgive just yet. That's okay. I'd like to forgive. It doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't condone any of their actions. This is for you. Let go of what you can. If you can release the next one a little more positive, a little more freeing, a little easier. We wanna cultivate joy in these moments. So I want you to picture some moments of a joy and happiness from your past. Maybe just grab one of your favorite moments with one of your favorite people. Speaker 1: (12:01)If you can't think of one, create one. Create a future joyful moment that you would love to have. Maybe it's imagining a future romantic partner. Maybe it's imagining future vacation, future job. Connect with the positive energy of the moment and let it fill your heart. Really feel what it feels like. That joy when you really breathe it and take a nice breath. Your life can feel like that. And in this moment it is. You're capable. Allow it to uplift your spirit. This one is my best friend's favorite. She calls it her weapon. And it is gratitude. Speaker 1: (13:09)I want you to wrap yourself up in an imaginary orange blanket of gratitude. Imagine just wrapping it around your body. And though we've had hardships, sure there's always something to be grateful for. I want you to reflect on at least one thing you're grateful for in your life. No matter how big or small, if it was yesterday or 10 years ago, I want you to really just sit and picture it or think of it whichever way you prefer. Very powerful. It's a very powerful tool. Gratitude. Let yourself be with that moment, that accomplishment, whatever it was. Speaker 1: (14:15)Now we're gonna get to what you know I love to do. I do in many of my episodes. Affirmations. Let's repeat an affirmation together to kind of close this out. Repeat after me. And you can put your hand on your heart if that feels good. Some people like to do hand on one hand on the heart, one hand on the stomach. I like to put both hands on my heart where you can leave your hands down. It doesn't matter. There's no right way. Whatever feels good to you, repeat after me. I am deserving of love and happiness. Speaker 1: (15:04)I am strong and resilient 'cause I'm a queen. That's always how I end my affirmations. 'cause we're all queens, right? We should be treated with love and respect and deserve it just like anybody else. Doesn't mean we're cocky queens who think we're better than everybody. Don't get it twisted. All right? We deserve love. We deserve respect. We deserve people being kind, lifting us up. And if you grew up in a tough situation or you had a really tough experience, specifically with a narcissist, you can have the idea that you don't deserve better or you, maybe you're not worthy. Maybe this is just how things are and you're not even comfortable with better. But I'm here to help you get comfortable with better. That's what I do. I love it. I help women get very comfortable with having a very happy, joyful, peaceful life. Speaker 1: (16:24)I, so you can bring your awareness back to the present moment. If you're not already back here after my babbles. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Open your eyes if they're not open. And take a moment to appreciate the peace that you cultivated within yourself. Right? These are things you can do with yourself. And sometimes, especially when we've gone through trauma, our body remembers and our body's comfortable with the constant chaos. And we do have to somewhat train it to be comfortable with calm, with joy, with happiness, with ease. Growing up, I was kind of taught in my family like everything had to be hard. It was hard to make money. It's hard to have relationships. I mean, everything just seems so hard. And so anything that came easy, I didn't even know what to do with. You may be familiar with this as well. I could go off on a whole other episode about that. Speaker 1: (17:35)So I won't, I will stop my blobby self. But remember that healing is a process and you can, but you can access these tools whenever you want. If you work with me. We do coaching, we do mindset and energy work. So there's a whole plethora of things we can do. I will put everything in my show notes. I'll also put them on YouTube. I'm doing video podcast now over on my YouTube channel. I'll put my YouTube channel there. And in the description will also be my current coaching offerings. I also have a boundaries course. Um, if you'd like to do like pre-recorded, go at your own pace videos. It's a really, really awesome, I mean, not to toot my own horn, no, but it's, it's a very effective program. The boundaries course that I offer. Um, it is literally life changing. So I highly recommend that. Speaker 1: (18:40)And if you want more one-on-one support with yours, truly. We have fun. We have fun healing. We do ask any of my clients. Um, we have a good time. Right now. I'm in kind of zen mode, but if you know me or have been following me, you know, I can be a goof and fierce and all that. But I'm also compassionate and I'm right there in the trenches with you holding your hand and helping guide you. But you're guiding yourself and you're getting empowered and more confident and understanding narcissism better. And most importantly, you're learning how to heal yourself from the inside out, which is so important for sustainable healing. Okay? Alright. I love you guys. I hope this was helpful. Please, um, join my Facebook group. I'll put that in the show notes too. I think it's usually always there, but I have a private little Facebook group. It's private so no one knows you're in there. Um, and you can always message me on Instagram or write me on my email. My email is also right there in the show notes. You can say hello. Um, I love feedback. I love suggestions. I love engagement with you guys. So please reach out. I'd love to hear from you. And I will see you in the next episode. Tis the season. Smooches and.

Ep 60 | Holidays with a Narcissist : What to Expect

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is holiday season here in the us so if you are in the US or anywhere that it is, holiday season, prepare yourself for narcissist craziness. You know, Jose freak freaks come out at night. Well, the narcissist come out especially hard, usually at the holidays. Every narcissist is different. So we can't blanket statement anything. But in my experience and my client's experience, they do kind of get triggered during this time. So stay close to dive into what to expect from a narcissist during the holiday season. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:39)All right? So like I mentioned during the holidays, they can be surprising to some if you really know, narcissistic can be almost predictable. But a lot of you are in those early phases of disconnection, or you're just realizing you're dealing with a narcissist. This is all, you know, sort of coming into fruition. So you may be surprised at some of the things that will happen because they are maybe the opposite of what we should be doing and feeling at the holiday time, right? So, like I said, this is just a blanket thing I'm gonna throw out there. If you have disconnected from a narcissist, odds are they may have already tried to reach out. Thanksgiving can be a trigger. Hanukkah, Christmas, any of those winter holidays can be a trigger because narcissists, what do they always need? They need that love and adoration and attention. Speaker 1: (02:34)And if you have disconnected from them, if there is a void in their life from that, and they need that to basically live, they need that narcissistic supply. You being absent will feel even more around holiday time, because that's the time that, you know, we all can, you know, come closer together. We have gatherings, you know, it's supposed to be supposed to be this feel good, um, connecting time. So narcissists during this time can really get triggered. If you are dealing with a narcissist, let's say, I know some of you are actually in relationships, maybe you're thinking of getting out of relationships, they can also just in general, act out and stronger during this time. Like they're traits can get even worse during the holiday season. So we will go into that. The first one. They can often, well, you know, narcissists crave attention in general, right? Speaker 1: (03:28)So they need that validation during the holidays. They may go to greater lengths to be the center of attention. That can be through grand gestures, like, oh, look at me, look what I'm doing. Dramatic stories, narcissists, you know, their stories can go from zero to a thousand very quickly, where reality is very different. Which, if you don't know this about narcissists, a lot of them live in delusion, right? They have this grandiose idea of themselves. So the delusions can always get greater and greater if it, if they feel a need to fill that void and seek that attention even more during the holidays. So again, every narcissist will be different, but you can pretty much bank on this that they will be seeking more attention around holiday time, whether you're disconnected or not with them. Number two, uh, we've, we've talked about this in many episodes, but manipulation. Speaker 1: (04:26)So, you know, they have this inflated sense of self-importance, this grandiosity. So during the holidays, this can manifest into bragging about their achievements of the year. Again, exaggerating the stories, their achievement of they got X, Y, Z could become, they got X, Y, Z and it was 10 times better than reality. Or, and this one is very, very common during holidays or whatever, they really expect special treatment. So, you know, birthdays, we all get a little special treatment, but holidays, it's, it's like everyone's holiday, right? But to them, they want extra treatment during this time, special treatment and that recognition. So again, the bragging the, um, entitlement can really shine the next one. Number four is difficulty with empathy. I don't even wanna say difficulty. It is, they, they don't have empathy, okay? So they struggle being done with empathy. So they're not attuned with your feelings, with others' feelings during all of this stress and chaos that can, I mean, look, we love holiday season, but there can be stress and chaos with planning, with just, if you have, um, custody issues, like it can really bring up a lot of stress or just, just kind of draining in some ways, right? Speaker 1: (05:57)So you may look to them or think maybe they can support you, but often they do not. So it could be one extreme or the other where they do special huge gestures for the attention. But then at the same time, or maybe behind the scenes, if you're married to a narcissist, you know how this can work on the outside, they act like, oh my gosh, I'm the best thing ever, and I do so much. And then behind the scenes, they're like, yeah, you're on your own and I'm gonna go, you know, play golf and let you do everything. So they might not engage in that spirit of giving or sharing unless, unless it directly benefits them. So keep that in mind and look out for that. So number five, conflict, criticism. The things, if you're with a narcissist, you're used to anyway, but they may respond to perceived slights or criticism anything. Speaker 1: (06:57)Like I said, if they're not supporting you and you're like, Hey, I really could use your support, they will get defensive and angry. Usually defensiveness with narcissists, many of them turns into anger. So they will turn that into a fight and create tension. And why do they do this? Because they're lacking control. What do narcissists always want? Control, right? They're always either trying to get control or regain control. So in this case, if they feel a little outta control, like, oh, I'm being put down because they're not showing up how they should because they don't need to. 'cause they're a grandiose narcissist, right? So if they're feeling like they're being slighted or put down, they're going to cause a big problem. They're gonna criticize you, flip it around on you, gaslight you maybe stomp you down until they're back in control. We don't like it. Speaker 1: (07:54)No, we're not here for it. Number six, sabotage. So this is a huge one. All the happy people in the world running around with all the Holly Jolly Christmas or Hanukkah exchanging presents, all of that can trigger a narcissist. And then they want to sabotage other people's happiness, right? Um, this could involve ruining plans. It could involve almost in like ruining their own plans. They don't care. I mean, they, they really don't care unless it's something like they thought of and they wanna do that thing. They really wanted to go to this basketball game, so they're not gonna ruin that. But if it's like a family event and it's not their super highest priority, they could absolutely try to sabotage that. Or sabotage, let's say your plans. You're all excited to go see this new funny Christmas movie with your girlfriends. Uh, he may start a fight right before you go to sabotage your fun. Speaker 1: (08:54)So they could either try to make you in a bad mood for the event or sabotage it to the point you don't even go. Or at an event they could sabotage it while you are there together, start a fight. Cause problems to the point, it's just you're miserable, but you stay because you have to show up for this work event. Let's say he, he really doesn't care about your work event, right? Um, so you're there, he's causing problems. You feel like you wanna cry, but you have to stay because it's a work event. And you were invited. You've only been there 15 minutes, or to the point that it's so bad that you feel embarrassed and you need to leave, right? These are all things that can happen. Um, so he remember, they like attention of any kind. So even if it's bad attention in general, they don't care that we could have another episode about that, because to an extent, they don't really wanna look like the bad guy to certain people. Speaker 1: (09:50)But that's a whole other episode. Number seven, superficial connections. This one, they, again, these are all things they tend to do anyway, but they're just amplified at the holiday season. Um, but they are more about appearances than genuine connections, right? So they may be more interested in how others perceive them than building actual meaningful relationships. And during the holidays, they may really amplify that. If they're single, they may even really like latch on to someone to just have by their side during the holidays, but they don't really care about them. It's just like, oh, it's a really beautiful woman. It's like almost like this trophy. So it's gonna be something again that's going to benefit them. Um, so that's something they may do. They do it anyway, but again, it can be amplified. And number eight, which goes in line with lack of empathy, but disregarding others' feelings. Speaker 1: (10:52)So we know they prioritize their own needs, right? During the holidays is no different. And it can result in them disregarding the feelings, preferences, or boundaries, which we know they, they know no boundaries. They cross all the boundaries of those they love during the holiday season. So you may say, look, I really need X, Y, Z, or I want you to not do this. And during the holidays, they can feel even more emboldened and needing that control. So they are going to hit even harder back and cross your boundaries and fight you when you try to fight for your boundaries. So there can be really explosive sort of interactions with narcissists during the holidays. These are all crappy things. I'm sorry to share this news with you, but if you're with a narcissist, you've experienced it, but sometimes we don't recognize the patterns that it's around, like worse at the holidays. Speaker 1: (11:53)But if you think back, and I have a friend who after she left her narcissist, they got divorced. When she was going through the process, I believe it was like during it, uh, she was saying to me, I realize he ruined every holiday and birthday of mine. I'm like, yeah, that's not a surprise. First of all, for a birthday, other people's birthdays, the attention off of them, oh, no way they're going to, they're going to take that attention or ruin it for you so you don't get the attention. Um, and then for holidays, like I said, it can be very triggering for different reasons. Um, for them where they need the attention, they need the control. So here's always my , my standard advice is stay as far away as a narcissist from narcissist as you can. That is always my first advice here. Um, they can be very dangerous emotionally, physically, everything, uh, depending on the particular narcissist, definitely emotional, no matter what. Speaker 1: (13:00)Physical depends on the narcissist. But holiday times it's hard for us too. They also know we can be vulnerable at holiday time, right? I mean, man, I had a narcissist ex that, oh, we broke up right before Christmas and talk about you. You don't wanna have a heart break ever a breakup ever. They suck, but around the holidays, oh, it's the worst. And I really thought it was it. I thought I was very strong. I was like, Nope, I'm not doing this again. I'm done. It was right before the holidays that, oh, Christmas Eve showed up diamonds and a poem and that sad look in his eye, , and it, and it worked. Moral of the story worked. We ended up breaking up, I think a couple months later. Um, but they know, they're smart at what they do, but once we figure them out, they become less smart because we, we can see through it. Speaker 1: (14:01)But if you don't know how they work, it's easy to be tricked. So I don't want you to feel guilt about that. I want you to understand they are, they're very good at what they do on manipulation and timing and vulnerability. They, they just know right? Holidays, it's a vulnerable time for us. So I'm just warning you in that, um, they may reach out, they may try to make you feel extra special, and they may kind of twist your mind to make you feel even worse about the situation and try to poke that vulnerable spot. So try to be strong if that's your situation. If you are disconnected, they odds are, we'll try to show up, unless I should have said this at the beginning. Unless they have a new source, a new supply that feeds their ego, a new girlfriend, right? Like someone who really filled your spot. Speaker 1: (14:56)And again, that doesn't mean that person is more special. I I need to do an episode on that too. It's nothing about you. Unfortunately, it was never about you. And you need to be with a healthy person that appreciates you. Narcissists don't appreciate anybody. They pick somebody who is good at feeding their ego. And if it doesn't get fed and the fights start and they're not getting what they want anymore, exactly how they want, you start to set boundaries, you start to stand up for yourself. Uh, they will toss you to the curb and replace you instantly with somebody else who will feed their ego. So it's unfortunate, it hurts, it sucks to surrender to that fact, but the sooner you do, the easier it is to start your healing journey. So all these things being said, if you want to grab a call with me, if you want to talk through any of this, um, to know how to navigate all of this, let me know. Speaker 1: (15:52)All of the ways to work with me are always in my show notes. I have a couple different packages going on right now, and I, I have like a one-off call. I have a monthly and then a three month, like, you wanna change your life. Let's go package . So if you need support, please check that out, or you can email me at fierce mamay at gmail. It is my email address is all always also in my show notes. So good luck this holiday season with these, these creepy narcissists and their big webs that suck us in. But you are strong. Let's, let's actually, let's, let's go ahead and do a little, uh, affirmation action. All right. Let's take a deep breath. If you're driving, keep your hands on the wheel and keep your eyes open. But you can listen. , take one more breath, okay? I am stronger than the narcissist in my life. Repeat that. Okay? I know my worth. Everything's going to be okay because I'm a queen. All right? Again, write me if you need anything, sign up for a call with me. Let's do this. Let's get you out of the sticky web of the narcissist. All right, love you guys. See you in the next podcast episode. Why am I talking creepily? I don't know. . Bye.

Ep 59 | Healing Trauma Through Breathwork

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TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Huh, that's me being creepy, but also me introducing what we are going to talk about today, which is breath work. What are the benefits of breath work for people who are looking to heal? Stay close and you will find out, Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you, I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and embody more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:15)I was introduced to breath work during the global pandemic of 2020 when I think we all needed some breath work. Uh, it was good timing. Yes, I was introduced to that and it really can be life changing and there's so much more to it than you would think. There's all sorts of types of practices. That was all a lot of words to say. Different practices for breath work, just different patterns, different ways you can use it from physical healing to mental and emotional and spiritual healing. There's just a lot of jam pack goodness up in the breath work world. I have done some breath work with my clients and I am getting certified to not only do breath work but all sorts of fun somatic healing therapies. So I'll be talking about that more. But I also wanna get to the point of this episode and dive in. Speaker 1: (02:13)So what does breath work do? Breath work refers to various practices that involve conscious control and manipulation of our breath, right? And we do this to achieve specific outcomes, like I said, that can be physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. So while individual experience can vary, these are five ways in general which breath work can potentially contribute to your healing on this lovely healing journey you are on. Number one, stress reduction. And this is big. This is a big one. We want stress reduction when we're going through the healing journey. We don't need extra stress, we need a lot less. So this is a great way. So deep and rhythmic breathing activates what is called, and you may have heard of this I've mentioned a couple times in some of my episodes. But parasympathetic nervous system, right? And this promotes relaxation and reduces the effects of the body stress response, which is normal in our everyday lives. Speaker 1: (03:17)But we can use this breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. And this can lead to lower levels of cortisol. I've heard that word thrown around a lot. It is the stress hormone and this can help lower it and get you to a calmer state of mind, which will help alleviate all the symptoms with stress related crap, right? We, we know all the feelings, the racing heart, the sweating, the nervousness, the worry, all of that can totally be helped just by deep and rhythmic breathing. That's why they do it during labor. Number two, improved mental clarity. This was like the icing on the cake for me. So focused and intentional breathing can enhance mental clarity and concentration. So increasing this flow of oxygen to the brain with, again, there's different patterns we can use for different things, but increasing that flow of oxygen can improve the cognitive function and help all of us gain better control over our thoughts and reduce that mental fog. Speaker 1: (04:30)Can I get a what? What for the perimenopause women of the world right now? Or a menopausal mental fog is a thing. I'm starting to get it. I'm not loving it so I'm gonna start doing a little more breath work around that. But it enhances the overall mental wellbeing. So I am loving this benefit. Number three, emotional release breath work can provide a very cathartic release of those pent up emotions. Certain techniques encourage the expression and release of those stored emotions letting us process and let go of the burdens we carry, right? This can be particularly beneficial for those dealing with trauma. We know about trauma if we're in that narcissistic world, which if you're on here, you may be anxiety in general or grief And grief is a huge one. And around the holidays it can be really, really hard if you have been grieving someone or you just grieve have had to grieve anyone or a loss of a relationship, even that can be considered a grief, right? Speaker 1: (05:40)So it's releasing all of these things and breath work can kind of release that, you know? And it's just like that bottled up. Like you feel like you're gonna explode and you hold it in and this is a way to let it out without screaming and crying and punching a pillow. , you just gotta breathe girl. Um, no, but I do like this one. This is like a great way to, when you're kind of just feeling overwhelmed with emotions, it's a really good way to release it in a healthy way. Not saying that screaming a punching a pillow is not healthy. I mean that is a way you can do it too. Just don't punch anybody or something that could hurt your hand. Okay, number four, enhanced mind and body connection. So breath work often emphasizes that connection between the mind and the body. I am big on this. Speaker 1: (06:35)I'm always saying get out of your mind and into your body because they are connected. But sometimes we have to know when to lean into which one. As humans, especially as women, especially as women who have gone through some shunt, we can get so stuck in our mind and our thoughts. So through this mindful breathing, we can become more aware of the physical sensations, our emotions, and our thought patterns. And this increases our awareness for a greater sense of self-awareness, knowing what's going on with all parts of us and a deeper connection between that mental and the physical, right? So why I was talking about the whole leaning on one side versus the other is the more self-aware you are of where your thoughts are, right? Like, oh wow, I'm really in my head right now. Maybe I need to glide over into my body focusing on that breath. Speaker 1: (07:38)Maybe you start doing, there's other somatic practices you can do like grounding or just tracking different things going on with your physical body. You can start rubbing your hands together, getting out of your head and into your body will change how you are, you know, basically functioning because you're going from inside of those thoughts and the mind racing and putting it into the the physical body, which is a great place to be when you're trying to calm your nervous system down. Last but not least, regulation of the autonomic nervous system. So again, these various breath work techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, which is through your diaphragm, very focused on breathing in and out of the diaphragm and paced breathing. I do a lot of that with my clients can influence that part of the nervous system. And this can lead to a better balance between this sympathetic, which is that fight or flight. Speaker 1: (08:40)You know what I mean? I'm always the fight person. Unfortunately if something's coming at me, I'm going right back at it, right? But there's also that flight side. I have a friend they actually used to call us fight and flight. I was always like, what is it? I'll take care of it. I'll protect y'all. Little scrappy do as my husband calls me and my friend was flight, like she just doesn't like anything that's just not totally calm. It freaks her out and she shuts down. So she just disappear. Like you'd be like, where did she go? Where did that woman go? And then I'm there with my scrappy dupal, right? But that's the sympathetic part of the system. And then the S parasympathetic is the rest and digest. So these are the branches of that nervous system. So this balance is crucial for your overall health. Speaker 1: (09:34)So you've got to be having a balance of both of these helping to reduce, get this, y'all get this helps reduce chronic inflammation, which is one of the biggest part of our modern world as like as far as health goes, there's so much inflammation from diet, from stress. That nervous system, when it is all crazy and chaotic, it throws our system off and it causes chronic inflammation. So this can help promote the healing process within the body. And I think that's freaking epic and I love it. And I love this work. I'm so excited to be getting deeper into this myself as I go through my certification. So I can definitely touch on this stuff I do with my clients. Like I said, if you want to work with me, do some coaching, do some breath breathwork, do other modalities of energy healing, please look at the different packages I have in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:36)And also you can always email me at fierce Mama C at Gmail, that is in my show notes as well. And breathwork really is a great supplement if you're in therapy, if you're doing coaching, if you're just on a healing journey trying out different things to see what works best for you, it's a great thing to explore. And with like talk therapy coaching, it's really a good, good supplement to get the healing from the body out. Almost that sounded weird like where we we're a weird transformer, but all the talking and coaching and motivation, like there is a lot of great things happening there. I see it with my own clients, but I wanted to start adding this deeper layer so we can also in parallel be really going deep and heal from the inside out while we are doing a little of the coaching therapy. Speaker 1: (11:25)So I'm so excited to be kind of doing the shift. So any feedback from you guys on things you would like to see me cover on here on this podcast, please email me again in the show notes. Um, and a reminder, if you have health concerns, please consult with your doctor before incorporating breath work into your practice just to make sure you're all good. If you're a typical healthy person, obviously you wanna go in slow and you don't wanna do the, the really deep fast breaths like right away. In my experience, I did that right away. 'cause I'm always like, look at me, I'm gonna jump in everything I do. I like to like really dive in and I did a little too fast. I didn't like pass out or anything, but I was like, I think that I feel a little bit lightheaded. So definitely go in slow, work your way up. Speaker 1: (12:16)If you're a typical healthy individual, if you do have health issues, talk to your doctor about how you can make breath work, work for you. There's definitely ways to do it. It's just gonna probably be slower, the pacing, maybe building up very slowly, but that is not my specialty. So I would like you to check in with your doctor if you do have those special health conditions. Okie dokie. Anyway, I love you guys. I'm so excited for, I don't know, life . No, I'm excited to introduce you to this modality. If you have not heard of it before. Most most of us have heard of breathing. That's a thing. But breath work as in really being a healing tool. I'm just, I'm just so excited and fascinated by how beneficial it can be. So I will talk to you in the next episode of, but still Sheath Rises. Let's Hands to Heart It. We're gonna do a couple affirmations here. If you're on the road, do not put your hands on your heart, please keep 'em on the wheel unless you're in an Uber . All right, let's take a deep breath in through the nose and out one more through the nose and out. Speaker 1: (13:36)I can heal myself. Repeat after me. I am healing every day. Last one, KA, I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you. Keep that chin up. You are doing an amazing job. It is holiday season if you're listening to this live, and the narcissists come out full-blown. So be prepared. Let me know if you need my support, message me or sign up for one of my packages and I'll talk to you soon. Smooches Andes.

ep 58 | 10 Ways to Handle Toxic People This Thanksgiving

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Grey Rock Method Podcast Episode mentioned: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm very excited about this episode. Um, I love this because I have so much to say about it. Hopefully I won't blab on too long. I'll try to keep it under 20. But we're gonna talk about tips on dealing with toxic people, abusive people, narcissists, whatever you wanna call it, all under the same umbrella of jackasses. Basically during the holiday season, we're gonna talk about Thanksgiving because that's what is happening this week. I'm getting a lot of questions about what do I do? I have to see this person. So if you're forced to see someone, we will talk about that. And I have one big tip coming up right after this little intro. Speaker 1: (00:50)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48)Okay, my first major tip, this is like not included in the 10. Um, overall, I just wanna say to you, give yourself permission to not have to put up with just because someone is a family member or a longtime friend. Okay? I know especially when we're younger, we feel like we don't have that control. If you're under 18, you're under your parents' thumb. Um, I have stuff to say about that as well, but especially when you have reached a certain age of adulthood where you are allowed to make your own decisions, sometimes you don't feel like you can, but I'm here to tell you you can. And if you have that strength to go against the grain to be the black sheep, which I have become in ways and that's okay in my own family, it has brought me so much peace. Not feeling like, oh, I have to do this because it's a family member, I have to put up with X, Y, Z 'cause it's a family member. Speaker 1: (02:51)The freedom that came with realizing I don't have to and living the life where I don't put up with it and I don't tolerate it. And I disconnect from anyone who's abusive to me has been the biggest growth leap of my life and is how I am here now doing what I do for business. So it's been an awesome journey. But let's dive into the tips. If you are going to be around people that are not so great, toxic, abusive, narcissist, all of the above. First of all, you need to set boundaries, right? So this can be you're actually defining your boundaries or you have them in your head and you know what's going on with them. So if someone crosses that boundary, then you at least know I have this boundary, it's been crossed, and then you go to actually doing something about it. Speaker 1: (03:45)You have to decide what feels comfortable for you. I know a lot of us that have attracted abusers or narcissists are empathetic. We have big hearts. We put up with some. We can be people pleasers in many ways, especially with those type of people. But I'm here to tell you, if you don't, if you can't get outta this situation and you're having to just set boundaries instead saying firmly that they have done something that is not okay, you have full permission to do that and be specific about what you find unacceptable, right? Um, so instead of saying something like, you know, I don't really like your behavior, it could be like, you know, um, I really don't like you putting me down so if you put me down again, I'm going to X, Y, Z, right? This has, I've used in my own family where someone used to yell at me all the time and I said, you know, I don't tolerate being yelled at anymore. Speaker 1: (04:45)That's just not a thing I do. So if it happens again, I will get up and walk away or I will hang up the phone or whatever it is. I'm imagining these scenarios for Thanksgiving, a lot of them being in person. So you have to do what you have to do. But so you kind of, you know, think about what your boundaries are. If you know a certain person always picks on you and jabs at you or whatever in front of the whole family, let's say, right? That was another person in my family always would pick on me of course at holidays in front of everybody and knew what spots to poke, right? They grew up with me so they knew exactly what would really, really hit me and hurt me. And they did it really for enjoyment 'cause they're sick in the head. So I did not like that. Speaker 1: (05:33)I didn't do anything about it. I just, you know, oh, because if I did, if I said anything or I got offended, it was like, oh, you are just sensitive. I'm just joking, right? So what you could say in that situation, if a person is like that, so you kind of are prepared for that. You can say, look, your jokes aren't funny. I don't find them entertaining, I don't like them. Please don't do that anymore. And if you do, I'm going to whatever your action is going to be. When a narcissist is in the spotlight specifically, this could go for anyone who's kind of likes to be in control and you say, look, this is how you're treating me and I don't like it. And you're in front of everybody like that. They don't want a negative light shown on them. They might make a joke or whatever, kind of dismiss it and put you down, but they may be careful to not do it again because you've spoken it, you've shone a light on it and said this is not okay and I won't tolerate that. Speaker 1: (06:33)Right? So it can be effective. Another thing to try to do is stay calm. Toxic people may try to provoke that reaction, right? I was talking about, that's what one of my closest narcs did to me is important though to stay calm and composed, right? They want you to react, they want to get that reaction out of you. So responding with anger or frustration could escalate it and actually helps them feel even more in control, right? So just taking deep breaths and focusing on maintaining your composure. Don't stoop to their level. And as I always say, don't take the bait, right? If it gets pushed to the point that you wanna set those boundaries out loud or you feel like you need to, you can also though, keep in mind setting boundaries can be somebody says something that jabs you. You, you stay calm and you just say, oh, I have to make a phone call. Speaker 1: (07:34)Get up, get out of the room. Right? Like, if you want to remove yourself from the situation, that's okay. I did that before I disconnected from the narcissist in my life. He had said some really stuff to me. Of course it was Christmas Eve 'cause it's no better time than the holidays to try to on someone in front of the whole family. So that's what he was doing. And I got upset and I held it in. I didn't, I was like, even at that point I was like, I don't want him to let, I don't want him to know he's gotten to me this much. He doesn't deserve that. And I, so I just took some breaths, I stood up and I just said, I'm not feeling well. Walked out, went to the basement, calmed down in the room, got myself together, came back, and then we'll get to what another tactic is in a minute. Speaker 1: (08:32)Actually, we'll just go. It's a good segue. Redirected the conversation, right? Oh, sorry. Hmm. My stomach was a little whatever. Oh, you know, that's probably 'cause I had, uh, eight cups of ice cream earlier. What's your favorite ice cream grandpa, right? Redirecting the conversation. If it turns negative, redirect it. They're gonna look like bigger and bigger. The more they try to not treat you well. So if you do shine the light on it, they'll look like an if they keep poking. And if you try to redirect the conversation and they keep putting it back on you, it's gonna look obvious to other people. And other people hopefully would, uh, join in, in trying to help redirect the conversation or standing up for you. Sometimes we're in families that don't stand up for ourselves and that's why we have different options, like being able to walk away, you know, staying calm. Speaker 1: (09:24)The other thing is choosing your battle. So not every situation requires a confrontation, right? Because if you're in a toxic family environment, especially that you've been in, there's probably a dynamic of there's this toxic person who's just beaten you down, but maybe you stand up for yourself or maybe it's you just started to stand up for yourself recently. You finally feel empowered and emboldened enough to be like, you know what? You're a and I think you're a narcissist, right? Like, it could explode. Not every situation, especially when your family get togethers, requires that like boom, blast, right? Decide which are actually worth addressing and which ones you can just try to nama stay your way out of. I highly suggest meditating before Thanksgiving, but sometimes it's better to disengage. Like I said, don't take the bait. They love you to react. The more you are a gray rock. Speaker 1: (10:23)I don't know if you haven't heard this term, you need to go listen to my episode. I wish I knew it offhand. I'll try to remember to put it in the show notes. Or you can look up just my podcast with Gray Rock Method or Gray Rock. It is basically a method you use if you have to be in touch with a narcissist to act as if you are a gray rock. That means blending in. That means not standing out. That means not giving a reaction. That means not getting emotional because that's all the things they want. And that they feel control when they have, when they get those things. So when they get a reaction, when they get you riled up and they see they're causing you angst and anger or whatever, all of that makes them feel more and more powerful. And it continues the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (11:11)If you're in a confrontation, you're gonna be cycling back and forth with this. So choose your battles and don't take the bait, okay? And limiting the interaction if possible. Limit your interactions. If you are having a lovely feast, try to sit as far as you can from them. If there's, you know, more than a few people try to sit at the other end of the table. Um, if you have to be near them, you can still try to really direct the conversation to other people trying not to have the one-on-one conversation. And again, if they try to, you know, if you are one of the ones that they really like to suck into their web, then if they're trying to suck you in, try to crawl yourself back out and redirect the conversation. Like we talked in the earlier earlier tip. So the other thing have an exit plan. We kind of touched on this, but if it becomes too difficult, have a plan to leave the gathering if necessary. Speaker 1: (12:19)I actually did this one story time with Christie. Um, someone got so rude and even used really horrible language that was not okay to me and I luckily had my own transportation to get out of there. So maybe skip that ride with your sibling or your parent. Take your own vehicle if possible so that if you need to leave, if it escalates or it just is so under your skin, you can't stand it. You can say, Ooh, I got a really bad headache. Whatever. Make up whatever you have, white lies are fine. When you're dealing with toxic Emma FFAs and get out of there, you have to remember, you need to protect your peace. You can't worry about what everyone else thinks. You just can't. Like, that is not part of what life is about. Yes, helping others, loving others, all of that great stuff about other people, yes, I'm all about that. Speaker 1: (13:23)One thing I'm not about is tolerating any type of abuse. Um, just so you don't feel awkward to somebody else, right? Like, or you're worried what someone will think. We've got to rewire that part of our brain that says we have to put up with X, Y, Z because there's no, because there's no reason and there's no situation where you need to sit and tolerate this type of behavior. So have an exit plan. I'm giving you full permission, okay? I'm validating your feeling that maybe you wish you could, but you don't think you can. I'm telling you, you can. The world is not gonna explode if you leave a gathering. I've left one. I'm still here and I'm actually thriving because of it. It was a moment in my life where I stood up to somebody who I had been terrified of and said, I'm not doing this anymore. Speaker 1: (14:23)And I got up and I walked out and that type of behavior changed my life forever. So I see you, I am here with you. I'm holding your hand. We are skipping out that door if they get too nasty, you hear me . If they get nasty at all, let's bolt together. Here's one that you know I'm a big advocate for is gratitude. And it is Thanksgiving. So it should be on our minds. And if you can muster up taking the breath and thinking about what you're grateful for, not that toxic person in our life, we're not gonna be thankful for them. But let's be thankful that we are not them. Let's be thankful for knowing we have the power to make decisions, to walk away. If we have to be grateful for your strength, the fact you're listening to this podcast, be grateful that you have the self-awareness you do, and the desire to grow and to have a better, more peaceful, happier life, right? Speaker 1: (15:29)There's so many things to be grateful for. So in those moments, if you can go inward, if you can take a breath, if you need to walk away and focus on three things you're grateful for, that can really shift your mood to maybe you have a awesome family member that is gonna be there or friend or a spouse that's with you. And that leads us to the next thing seeking support. Is there anybody there that is on your side, right? In some toxic families, there's a bunch of enablers to the toxic person and you feel like you're an island. That sucks. If that's a situation, you might have to find support when you leave and call a friend phone a friend, . But if you have somebody there that you can seek support from, maybe you just grab your spouse's hand under the table and just hold it and have that gratitude. Speaker 1: (16:21)Or maybe you say, Hey Suze, can you help me in the kitchen? I'm gonna get some pie. And you just have a moment with her and just say, can you just, if she knows the situation, right? You could just say, can you just be here with me for a moment? I just need a minute and I just need to feel support, whatever you have to do. But confiding in a supportive family member, having someone that knows your situation and it can help you kind of process the situation. Maybe you just wanna have a couple words. They could give you a couple words of encouragement or this could be going into the event like, you know, not actually when you're walking in, but beforehand the day before. If you wanna talk to someone close, that can just kind of give you a little morale boost. I'm all about not having to be in these situations if you don't have to, but if you are in that situation, you feel like you have to go, you have to be there in your mind. Speaker 1: (17:23)I can't change that right now. I'd like to try, but you can go in knowing that you have the support of somebody. Okay? The next thing is self-care. I'm all about that. Self-care life. This could be anything. Whatever brings you joy, whatever brings you peace. Maybe it's meditation, maybe it's the yoga, all the woowoo, or maybe it's just a nice bubble bath, getting your nails done, going for a run. Um, I'm currently doing bar class and I feel really good after that. So if I were going into a situation, little storm, I may go do some exercise before to just kind of clear my energy, right? And you can do it after as well. So any type of self-care that can look like a million different things. You know, what makes you feel good doing something leading up to it. And especially afterwards, if you've had kind of a show and need to shake those heebie-jeebies off, you know, go for a run, have a nice bath, indulge in some delicious apple pie ice cream. Speaker 1: (18:28)I am totally speaking from experience last night. It was delicious. I actually had no reason to need to self-care. I didn't have a bad situation leading up to it, but it was delicious and I don't regret it. All right? Last, but definitely not least, if you're dealing with toxic people and it becomes persistent, consider seeking advice from a therapist or someone like yours truly over here that has dealt with a lot of narcissistic abuse experience and research and knowledge, education, all of that good stuff. So we can provide guidance on coping strategies and helping you navigate the challenging family dynamics because it goes far wide and deep. There is so many, there's just so many layers, especially when it's in your family. And when multiple people are involved in that dynamic, it's not just like you have one person that may be toxic, there's usually enablers or other victims or, um, you know, if you have disconnected or if you've had, uh, an issue with a toxic person, they may smear your name to other family members. Speaker 1: (19:47)It, it can really impact your mental and physical wellbeing. So I love helping people that are going through it, work through it quickly. That is, I think, my specialty. I'm discovering the quickness that I can help people move through this stuff is pretty awesome. And I, that's why I do it because I'm like, I've gotten all this knowledge, all this experience, I have gotten myself from A to B and I'm in this peaceful, joyful life and I have boundaries and I know how to navigate and I have coping skills and I just want to help anybody I freaking can because no one should have to live how I used to feel. Nobody. And if you're feeling like that, please reach out. I have the ways to work with me in my podcast, you know, show notes over there, whatever you wanna call 'em. Description, show notes. Speaker 1: (20:43)Um, and my email is always there. It's fierce mamay at Gmail, but it's always in the show notes too. So reach out. Let me help you because this stuff is not easy. And I could not have walked the path alone when I was on my journey of dealing with this and, and realizing what it was and trying to get out. Then once I was out, I still really needed support to get the coping skills and, you know, grow in a way that was comfortable but also quick. 'cause I don't like to, I don't like to spend a whole lot of time on the past. Yes, it's important to know what's happened in the past and to navigate that. But what is more important to me is I'm here now. How can I cope now? What can I do to the damage that's been done? What can I do to help my nervous system and what can I do moving forward? Speaker 1: (21:41)Not just to like heal, but to actually thrive. That's why my podcast is called, but still she thrives because I don't wanna settle for just healing. I want to thrive. I want to help women thrive, right? So if you're ready to thrive, hit me up. Let's work together and good luck with all those toxic, narcissist, abusive, whatever is out there, good luck navigating them this Thanksgiving, this holiday season, I will be doing more episodes about this because it is real the holiday season full of narcissists and toxic people. So I want to give you a big warm hug. You got this. But if you need extra support, let me know. Reach out to me and see you in the next episode, next Tuesday and every Tuesday on your favorite podcast platforms. Like all of them. I think I'm on all of them. I don't know if I know all of 'em, all of them. Should I say all of them again? Alright, see you guys. Smooches and Mooches and I love you. Ps I totally went past 20 minutes as anticipated. I was trying, I was trying, but we're about to hit 22 and Sea Crest out.

Ep 57 | Texting with a Narcissist : What to Know

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Alright, so today's episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to text with a narcissist. I'm so excited about this one. I think I might do like actual examples in a future episode, but today we're gonna talk about like the different ways and things that narcissists do in general. So grab yourself a frale app. Chatta venti. I don't do Starbucks, I don't do coffee, so I don't know. I have enough energy, I don't need it. But if you do grab it, maybe take a little cozy seat, a little cozy blankie and settle on into all the narcissistic fun. Speaker 1: (00:51)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48)Okay, so usually I'm like a little more organized, but today I am not and I'm gonna go with it. I just follow my nose like that. Uh, what's it called? Two Can Sam follow my nose? The fruit loop guy. Alright, so anyway, I have super ADD this morning, so I'm just gonna go down. I took some notes of things that have definitely happened in my life on text with narcissists that I know I've known a couple. I've had a family member narc, a friend narc, and an ex narc. So we'll take all the fun from those people and talk about it and I'm sure you'll be able to relate. I know all of my clients that have been in narcissistic relationships. If you don't know I'm a life coach. I specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery, but I do also have clients that have not been through abuse. Speaker 1: (02:39)Um, but that was like a through line when I started coaching where I was like, wait, a lot of these people have been through abuse. Like a lot of people that I was coaching, a lot of stay-at-home moms. Um, a lot of women that were, I mean just from all walks of life. And I was like, hmm, several of them have this thing thing. And I start focusing on that because that is the deeper seated stuff that can cause you to hold yourself back in your life, not have confidence, all that. So that's just a little backstory again, ADD here today. So let's just go in to things that I notice. There's no particular order. I might backtrack, so try to stay with me, drink that coffee so you can keep up with Christie and we'll dive in. So the first thing I'm sure all of you, if you know a narcissist, you know they brag. Speaker 1: (03:32)They brag and there's a difference between having confidence and being cocky, right? Or having a false sense of superiority where you think you're more important than you are. Stuff like that. So bragging is so common with these narcissists. It's just constant. So something, even some narcissists really you won't even hear from them without them bragging. Or maybe you'll only hear from them when they need that ego boost. Depending how close you are with them. Like a lot of you won't believe what I did or guess look what I got. I had one narcissist in my life. Literally all they did was brag all the time. Look what I did. Or if they have children, they can use that extension of themselves, which if you don't know a narcissistic parent, their children really have one role and that is the extension of the narcissist. So if they have a kid that's doing really well, that is all they'll talk about and they will also kind of take the credit for it often, right? Speaker 1: (04:38)So bragging about themselves mostly or you know, a spouse or a child, but somehow it ends up kind of them taking credit. So bragging is very, very common because they need that supply. We call it in the narcissist world, narcissistic supply. Basically it is feeding their ego. So they brag because when they need their ego fed, they want everyone to be like, oh my god, y'all are so amazing. And they're like, look, look. See, 'cause deep, deep down, they don't believe they're that important. They need and rely on other people to make them feel important, right? Okay. Another thing acting as if they didn't just royally f you over or maybe they said really horrible things like the day before or even hours before. I've had this where it was almost comical how close in time it was with the up and down, right? And sometimes people can get confused by bipolar and narcissist that and there is a difference. Speaker 1: (05:44)Um, with narcissists it's usually more calculated. It's not like an emotional high and low. It's more of they're playing a game, they're trying to gain control. And if one thing doesn't work, then they will try another. So in this case though, let's say this can relate to, you know, not having control 'cause it with narcissists, they're always trying to seek control, gain control, see if they have control. It's all about control. So let's say your co-Parenting with a Narcissist, I'll give an example of that 'cause that's very common. And a lot of my clients are co-parenting with narcissists. So let's say this morning you're getting your child ready for school and your narcissist texts you and is like, Hey, I wanna talk to my kid. And you're like, we are literally running out the door, but we'll we'll call you, FaceTime me, whatever after school. Speaker 1: (06:36)And they blow up. Say, you don't let me see my child as much as I want. You've ruined our family, right? All of this overdramatic stuff because they're not getting exactly what they want and they're trying to control the situation and they can't. So then fast forward to lunchtime, you get a text and it says, Hey, hey Bud or something, right? There could be an endearing, even reach out like a casual, hey, I don't know, people don't go around saying, Hey friend, but you know, if you have ever had a nickname with them or something, they're trying to get you to soften back up. So they'll soften it and then say something like, because they need something. Now they realized on their calendar that this week they have a concert they could go to. So they need you to switch weekends. Let's say you have split custody. Speaker 1: (07:27)Okay? Hey girl, Ryan hassling all over the place. Hey girl, could you do me a huge favor this weekend? Could you take, let's say Abigail, your daughter, could you take Abigail? It would be so amazing if you could do that. 'cause I have something that's come up, blah, blah, blah, right? So they can switch literally within hours. They act like nothing happened. Like they just didn't curse you out this morning. And they're gonna try to soften you up and blow things over quickly so they can get their way. It's usually that, right? Or let's say they blow up, they're nasty to you and then you don't talk to 'em. Let's say it's a family member. So you're like, forget this. So you don't, don't respond. A week goes by, they're like, she didn't respond. Oh my god, right? Because they're used to having control of you, but you're growing, you're growing queen. Speaker 1: (08:25)So you're like, forget him. I'm not writing back to that monster. They don't like that feeling. They feel like they don't have control now, so they're gonna come back as if nothing happened. This is part of gaslighting making you think you're crazy. Like this just didn't happen a week ago where they blew their top. And we'll say something like, oh man, send, let's say they'll send you a nostalgic, um, song you used to both love. Like, hey, remember this? Oh, we had so much fun back in the nineties. , right? They will go back as if nothing happened. And they will try to see if you answer, let's say you don't answer, then they'll come at you again and then they'll, they'll reach even more. Did you, you wanna grab coffee on Sunday? No one loves black coffee like you and me do they try to make you special? Speaker 1: (09:13)We'll go into that in a second, right? So there they are trying to gain control of the situation. So let's dive into that one, that next one of trying to make you feel special things like, you're the only one who gets me, or you're the one, only one who would appreciate X, Y, Z. Like I do like black coffee, which like most, like not most people, some people like black coffee though, right? You're not the only one in the world, but they will make you feel like you're the only one in the world who is like them, who gets them. You're so special. They know how to pump your ego so they can gain that control. And texts in general can be very up and down. Like we're talking about that up and down. It's more of a control tactic. It's usually calculated or it's more of, it could be a tantrum. Speaker 1: (09:56)Like they're not getting the race. So if they try to be nice and they're like, Hey girl, oh, uh, that was really awesome, X, Y, z. If they're like desperate to get you to respond so they're being nice and you don't respond, then they can swing right back, start blowing up. And if you don't respond to that, they will usually start threatening. So there can definitely be threats in texts that can range from mild threats. Well fine, I'm, I'm not gonna talk to you, I'm blocking you. Right? They, it's almost like childlike. I've had that happen so much when I don't respond. narcissists being like, well I'm gonna block you. This is it. This is done, this is final. And then, you know, like whatever, 25 minutes later, they're still going on, right? So they, they're empty threats but then they can be to the extreme of violent threats of just threatening to make you scared and they're often cowards and so they have to feel big and bad with their threats. Speaker 1: (10:56)So that is not cool whether they're empty or not. I don't care if you feel threatened and you really feel nervous about your safety, I want you to evaluate if you need to get a peace order restraining order, whatever, and that's a whole other, that's a whole other thing. So if you want to email me about that fierce mama C at Gmail, my email is always in the show notes. Feel free to email me if you have questions about that. I don't wanna get in all this legal jargon in the middle of this episode, but um, I know those can be scary for some people and I get it and depending on your situation. So that's something to also just throw in here also is always the um, one 800 number to domestic abuse hotline that should always be in my show notes. So also reach out to them if you are feeling scared for your safety. Speaker 1: (11:45)Alright? The other thing is trying to make you feel jealous. , this one makes me laugh so hard when in the past when the narcs try to make me jealous, I just, it never works on me. It has never worked my whole life. I just don't get jealous like that. And it works on some people, it can definitely work on people. So I'm not trying to dismiss it, it's just my personality that doesn't take the bait on that even like in the beginning of my journey because it seems so obvious usually, right? So an example of a narc in my life I had not seen in years wrote saying how they had all of these awesome people visit them during the summer and had so much fun and it was too bad. I was such a jerk that I would not get to experience all the fun that they had, right? Speaker 1: (12:31)Like, I mean I literally cracked up at that text message. Those people can have you please go have more fun with them. That would be great for you. Go stop telling me about it. I don't give a. Um, and that's the mentality you need to have. Don't take the bait, you've got to. And this takes time, you know, for many people, especially in romantic relationships or if it's like your parent or someone very close in your family, but you have got to cut that emotional tie to maybe get to that place. But it does help if you know that they do it on purpose, it can help for it to be easier for you. Also, they seem to forget the past and act as if you are the one who caused the problems. And I say forget in quotes, they seem to quote forget. Speaker 1: (13:14)They don't forget. They know, okay, these people know but they do it again. So they can use it to manipulate you and gaslight you to make you feel crazy. Like you are the problem. You are not the problem. Honey. Honey, child, you are not the problem. I'm not the problem. I mean, am I perfect? No. Have I ever had a moment? Sure, but I know when you are dealing with a narcissist, they are the problem , okay? They're the problem. Don't question yourself. Don't let them get into your head. The only thing is that being said in times of desperation to gain control back of you or the situation or if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs that can make them be more vulnerable in a way they may admit fault. And I say quote, I say admit in quotes too. They may admit because really it's usually calculated. Speaker 1: (14:09)They're trying to get control and say, I'll do anything, whatever, just call me right? When they're feeling like they're losing the grip on you. So when you don't, which I highly recommend, do not take that bait when you don't though they will lash back out and they'll go back to blaming you, right? It's just this moment of usually, unless they're highly under the influence of something, they may have a truly vulnerable moment. But that is so rare. It is, I'm gonna say like 95, 90 9% just that desperate attempt to gain control. So they're not truly admitting anything, it's just they know that could maybe get you to talk to them or to show that you're still under their thumb in a way. Okay? So there's definitely more. I could do this all day, but I will wrap this up because I want it to not be too super long. Speaker 1: (15:00)They tell you they are crying and , this is a weird one, but I have had, this is multiple people narcissists that have used tried to use this tactic. Two out of three of them I'll say. So maybe it's not always. Um, some might feel like that's too vulnerable and they don't like to be vulnerable, but if they're really desperate, they will. Right? One of mine who's the most desperate two, gain control did this many times either telling me or one time they actually took a picture of themselves crying twice actually crying and sent it to me to show me, look, look I have fake crocodile tears , right? They weren't saying that. They were saying, look, I'm crying. They're desperately trying to show their victimhood that they have feelings. It didn't work. Again, I can see past all this at this point in the beginning, I, I can't remember exactly if they told me, you know, they were crying or I would hear them, they leave messages crying that that did happen. Speaker 1: (16:05)I remember the very beginning when I went, no contact well as far as cut it off, but I could still get the messages or voice messages. There were crying messages and that did get my heart. I remember a little bit in the beginning, but uh, I went to therapy and started doing all this research and educating myself on this topic. And now like I, I just see through it all right? But a lot of people, I'm sure many of you this can work on. So I'm here to let you know, narcissists really, they, they're not going to genuinely cry for much. They might in the privacy of their own home if they're in a really deep dark state. But showing sending pictures or voice messages of them crying is trying to gain control of you. That that's what it is. Whether they're real tears or not, I mean, honestly it doesn't even matter to me. Speaker 1: (16:59)'cause with narcissists they're just trying to gain control, but usually they're crocodile tears. Another thing is name calling. They will name call, they will try to hit your soft spots. They will use your vulnerabilities against you. So these are people you've probably been close to, you've probably had deeper conversations with. You've exposed yourself not like that. No. You've exposed yourself as far as opening up and telling them about things in the past that have hurt you or you know, things that you have low self-esteem on, they will use that against you. So they, I'm trying to think of an example for me. Hmm, I can't think off the top of my head. But nar I definitely had a narcissist that would name call. Not all of them do. Some are more outward with the more blatant abuse like that, like the more blatant name calling and stuff. Speaker 1: (17:50)Um, and I had one that definitely was more blatant with it. So there was more name calling and hitting those soft spots, knowing what makes you hurt the most and poking at that. So when the name calling is happening to you, if that is happening again, get away from that. The only reason really that you should have to deal with a narcissist is if you are co-parenting. I know a lot of people, if you're in families, you think you have to put up with it 'cause it's blood. I'm here to tell you, you don't. I know it's even harder, whether it's like siblings or cousins or aunts or uncles. I know the hardest is probably the parent or the child. I totally understand that. So I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life. Um, I'm just here to help guide you and give you tools to deal with it. Speaker 1: (18:36)So if you have to, if you feel like you have to keep someone in your life, I'm here to first tell you, in most cases you do not co-parenting is a very tricky situation though, and I know there are some other exceptions, but if you, you just don't feel capable. There's nothing I can do about that unless you work with me. We work together to get through that. But know that when these people are name calling you and hitting those soft spots, it's intentional and it's abusive and it's hurtful and it has nothing to do with you. It doesn't have to do with these things being true about you. It has to do with these people feel so about themselves that they feel the need to do this to gain power and to feel better about themselves and to feel powerful, but they're not powerful. Speaker 1: (19:28)They're little balls. Okay? Do, do, do, we're gonna end on that note. Narcissists are little balls. So I will end with that. So don't let people abuse you. Don't let people gaslight and manipulate you. You know, the first thing is knowing that this is what they do. And that helped me just even learning about this to know, oh, this is what's happening. And as I read more and more about it, I was like, oh my gosh, this is like exactly what's happening to me. It was so validating. I've had so many of you write me and say how validating my podcast is for you. Because when you go into this journey of either trying to disconnect or doing the great rock method or trying to heal after you've disconnected it, it can be a very, um, alarming, surprising, but also you can find relief in the fact that you're like, oh, it's almost like, oh, I figured it out. Speaker 1: (20:23)Like you have this pain for years and you find out, oh, you had a little fracture in your arm there, right? Like, you get to figure out what it actually is. Instead of this just feeling of, am I crazy? Am I imagining this pain? Did I cause this pain? I mean, this is like a really bad analogy, but I kind of suck at analogies. So, but you get my point where it's like, oh, there is relief in finally saying maybe this person is a narcissist. So we cannot diagnose them. I wish I could. Some are very textbook one in my life is like literally every thing that a narcissist. The trait is they are, um, some aren't as obvious. So if you want to either, you know, ask questions, you can always email me if you want to work with me and actually work on the healing process, you are disconnected from the person you are or you are co-parenting. Speaker 1: (21:19)That is a lot of my clients right now. There's a a lot of co-parenting going on. And then there's also, I have clients, like I said, who have not been through abuse or they've been through it, but it was a long time ago. But they're just really starting to gain confidence or wanting to change their life, saying, I know there's more out there for me. So that is what I love doing. I help women grow into the next chapter of their life. I love doing it. So totally check out my podcast notes to find out the ways to work with me or email me and say hello. I will talk to you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

Ep56 | The Fastest Way to Calm Your Nervous System

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about how to calm down that nervous system immediately. What is the single best way to do this? Stay close to find out. Not, not too close though. It's it's flu season, y'all. It's flu season. Speaker 2: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:14)All right, so welcome back. Let's dive into the single fastest way to calm that nervous system down. This is useful for anybody if you have not gone through abuse, that's fabulous. Very jealous. Love it. But also you can use this to help calm down in any stressful situation. Maybe you're just having a bad day at work. Maybe your hubby or your mama or your friend is driving you up a wall. Maybe the kiddos are getting a little needy and you just need a break. This is the single best way to calm that nervous system down. I'm gonna be very honest too. This was not my go-to way. I wanted to learn how to calm down. I am not a calm person in general. I'm very energetic. I love to dance and do hip hop. I like to sing some fast songs. I like to do everything fast, which is probably exactly why I need this calming tool. Speaker 1: (02:14)But you have to give things a chance. So before you click away, once you hear what this one thing is, I want you to have an open mind. Are you all ready? Are you opening your minds? Great, great, great, great. Okay. It is all about that breath, baby. I'm sure you have heard of breath work. If you were in the yoga world, the meditation world, if you're not welcome, there's a lot of talk about breathing and breath. And I'm not taking big enough deep breaths right now. And if I did, I'd be calmer. But I'm speedy Christy. So this is why I need to use this tool. I practice it often and it truly has changed my life along with other tools that I use. I love meditation. I love yoga. I'll be honest, I did not like any of those three things when I first started them, but I knew because so many people had said how amazing it was, how it changed their life. Speaker 1: (03:10)I was like, I'm gonna give it more of a chance. So breath work was the last of those three that I tried. And the irony is, it is the quickest one to work. It is that in the moment when you can't go meditate, when you can't go downward, dogger your butt all over work, you can breathe, you can take a few seconds or a few minutes to breathe. So we call this die of frag, pragmatic breathing. Okay? That's what we're gonna talk about. There's many different ways to breathe. Like he, he, he, no, I'm just kidding. There's, there's books, there's podcasts, all about breath. If you wanna dive deeper into this, but we're gonna be really simple here today on my show. Super simple. This technique, like I said, it is simple, it's quick. And it is highly effective in reducing stress and promoting relaxation, which we can all use more of, right? Speaker 1: (04:06)So number one, you need to find a quiet and comfortable place, okay? If you are at work or you're at work and like you just need a break at work, I'm trying to picture like a chaotic place. We are a lot. Hopefully you don't have like a super chaotic, stressful job, but I know some of you do, right? This is life, we're lifeing together. So I've gotta work with what some of you have. So let's say you do have somewhat of a stressful job. Maybe you're trying to get out of it, but in the meantime it doesn't help all the things you're gonna do later. You wanna know how can I at least get some immediate relief now so you can find a quiet place. You can always shove yourself into a little bathroom for a few minutes, right? We always are allowed to go pee pee and poopoo so they won't know what you're doing in there if you're just taking some nice breaths. Speaker 1: (04:52)So if you're at home though, and you can get away, you can lock yourself in the pantry away from the kids, go out to your car. Does anyone else do that? I love a good car session. Let me run to my car. I, or like when I'm coming back from somewhere and I'm like, I just want a little bit longer on my own, um, I will sit in the car for a few minutes and I love it. So anyway, yes, you can always email me and be like, yes sister, tell me your fun stories at fierce mama c@gmail.com. Anyway, I digress. So find a quiet, comfortable place if possible, right? If you are lucky enough to have a beautiful space in your home, it's all yours. You can lie down. I actually have that. I have a meditation lounge chair. It's magical. I think it was like 99 bucks on Amazon and it has like eight different inclines I think. Speaker 1: (05:46)And it's super cozy. And that's my favorite place to meditate or do my breath work. Number two, you gotta close your eyes. I was never good at close in my eyes. I like to see everything. I'm a paper. I'm nosy, I'm impatient. But you learn over time, you to close your eyes. You take a deep breath in through your nose, allowing your diaphragm to expand. And I'm actually working on this with my daughter 'cause she's starting to sing. She actually is the leader, the lead singer in a band. So we're working on diaphragm breathing because it's essential to singing. So I try to explain it like imagine there's like a tube going down your lungs and at the bottom it's got a big balloon. So you're in your case, if we're doing this type of breath work, you're going through your nose and you're feeling that expansion, that balloon stretching out as you inhale. Speaker 1: (06:43)And when you do this, you're gonna count to 4 1 2. Remember, it's like one Mississippi, not like 1, 2, 3, 4. Whoa, no, we're not gangster today. We're just Mississippi. And back in like we did in like sixth grade. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. So that's your inhale. Then you're gonna hold it for another count of four. You know the drill. Let me hear you say you Mississippi, can I get a Mississippi in the back? Okay, then you're going to exhale slowly through your mouth for guess what? Another count of four. We're gonna make this super simple for you. I told you we are not gonna change the numbers. There are different ways you can do like, I, I don't even remember now 'cause I like to keep the same numbers or I get confused. I don't wanna think too much when I'm breathing. It's like too much, too much multitasking. Speaker 1: (07:36)So keep the number, the same four, hold for four, exhale for four, right? And when you exhale that four, you're ensuring that you fully empty your lungs. So make sure you're saying the Mississippi, again, we're not doing 1, 2, 3, 4 and then mm-hmm, we wanna make sure all that nasty, that negative breath is outta your body and you can suck in some new life. You're gonna repeat this deep breathing for a few minutes, focusing on your breath and nothing else. If you only have 40 seconds and you're just, you're in your cubicle and you're about to scratch someone's eyes out or whatever, first of all, maybe, maybe got some therapy if it's serious. But if you just need a little breath, take this breath, do the 4, 4, 4. And even just focusing on the numbers 4, 4, 4 is helping your brain to focus on something else. It's somewhat of a distraction to get out, pull you like out of your emotion to get what I call out of your head and into your body, right? Speaker 1: (08:39)So this breath work, it immediately puts you in your body. That's what I love about it. So again, this was the last thing I tried and when once I did it a few times and was like, really does work? They were not lying. Like I just hadn't been listening for how many decades probably. Um, I finally was like, man, this is like my go-to especially if I've just got a short amount of time where I wanna just decompress my brain, decompress my body, and have that immediate relief. So this breathing helps activate your body's relaxation response and that reduces that fight or flight which is associated with stress and anxiety, right? So whether you're at work, you're at home, you ran into a nasty neighbor, whatever your situation is, maybe it's dealing with that co-parent. We can we not even call 'em co-parents if they're narcissists, you're not really co-parenting, but if you have to share parenting with, of your child with a narcissist, you know that fight or flight, you know that anxiety that creeps up. Speaker 1: (09:56)And I know this is so important for my clients. We definitely, I we do breath work, we do meditation, we do tapping. Now we do reiki. So if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I offer all of those things. You can always email me to ask more details. And I also will always have like my regular coaching packages listed in the show notes of this podcast. So if you go to the main page of my podcast on whatever platform you scroll, not too far down, it should be pretty high up there. It'll say like, work with me or something and there will be links to the different options. I have different packages and obviously certain ones, you'll save more money if you do one call, you know it's a certain amount. If you get a whole month, you're gonna save a little money by signing up for multiple, um, because I want you to get major, major shifts quickly. Speaker 1: (10:57)And one session can be great, but let's be honest, a whole month is so much better and I have plenty of clients to account for that. I haveli clients that have been with me for years, there's been six months , three months or three months. It's, it's a weird word. ERs month. Yeah, month. There we go. Too many s's. Um, but it's such a journey and it's individualized. But please, if you feel like you need support in either dealing with a narcissist, maybe you don't have a narcissist in your life, but you feel like you need healing or you need guidance in any way, I do not strictly just work with narcissistic abuse victims. It is my specialty, but I run the gamut in who I help and who I help heal. So please reach out if you're on the fence or have questions. I'm here again, it's fierce mama c my email will be in the show notes. Speaker 1: (11:56)Um, but this is, I just wanted to throw out a quick tool that you could have in your little back pocket. That's what they say at all the meetings in corporate America. Do they stay still? Say that. Excuse me. I used to work in the television production field and I remember just cracking up every time I'd be in one of those, you know, corporate meetings. We had like three meetings a day, meetings about meetings and the, you know, they have these catchphrases and I'm like, he'd be like, alright Bill, well I'll keep that in my back pocket. I'd be like, okay Adriana, I'm going to keep that in my back pocket for next time. It was just a little catch phrase that made me giggle. So keep this in your back pocket, everybody, wherever you are. So you can take this out, 4, 4, 4, breathe in for hold for, breathe out for and repeat if you can. If you have the time, create the time. I love creating time. That's a thing. So hope you all had a fabulous last week and I hope this is a helpful tool and I will catch you in the next video. All alright, smooches and dueces.