But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

Ep 52 | How to Outsmart a Narcissist

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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. Welcome to another episode of, but Still She Thrives. Today we are diving into a topic that many of us have encountered at some point in our lives dealing with narcissists. They're all around us. So whether it's a coworker, family member, friend, or even a romantic partner or ex romantic partner, narcissists can be challenging to navigate. But fear not. Christie Jaya is here, . Today we're gonna discuss some strategies on how to outsmart those nasty little narcissists. Speaker 2: (00:34)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:31)So first, really briefly, if you are new here, we are gonna touch on what narcissism actually is. It's a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, right? But spoiler alert, narcissists deep, deep down are very wounded, very insecure and powerless. And this is why they have to have this big mask. It's all a big nasty mask. Mask, but it's still there. So we still have to deal with it. It doesn't change the fact that they treat people poorly and have no empathy. They also have such fragile egos and can be so manipulative that it makes interactions with them. Super challenging. And if you have a narcissist in your life, you know what I'm talking about, probably why you clicked on this. So the first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to recognize their behavior patterns. This could include grandiosity, la, lack of empathy, manipulation, and this constant need for attention and admiration, which ain't cute. Speaker 1: (02:36)So, you know, my first advice with a narcissist is Ron. But if you can't continue on and listen, once you've identified a narcissist in your life, whatever relationship that is, the next step is setting healthy boundaries, right? They often push boundaries. They don't give a about your boundaries. They can be quite demanding. So to outsmart them, you need to establish very clear limits on what you're willing to tolerate and communicate them assertively. So you've gotta, this is part of the work I do with my clients, is building that confidence. Because without the confidence, sometimes it isn't believable that you have a boundary or you won't hold the boundary due to fear or guilt or whatever, right? So they may resist these boundaries completely. So standing firm is essential to your wellbeing. They, again, they're gonna try to guilt trip you or play the victim, but stay resolute in your boundaries. Speaker 1: (03:35)Queen, I know you can speaking, which if you don't know I have a boundaries course, all my information is always in my podcast show notes. Go click around in there, see what I have to offer. I have all my coaching offers and my boundaries course, which is epic. You'll love it. Grab it. There's a special bonus going on when you purchase it right now. So now is the time. So we know narcissists thrive on attention and admiration. So to outsmart them, avoid feeding their ego. Do not engage in the excessive flattery. A lot of us at one point or another may think, oh, I'll just try to make them feel better and they'll be nicer to me. Right? No, do not do that. Don't give the constant validation. Instead, focus on rational communication. Like very short and sweet communication. And they say to give constructive feedback when necessary. Speaker 1: (04:32)I, I have a hard time with this. Um, I feel like any feedback, constructive or not, this is not a rational human. So the odds are against you that they're actually going to take it into consideration unless they're like absolutely desperate. But, so that is kind of up to you. I'm always very against giving any constructive feedback to the narcissist that I have had in my life. So that's kind of a personal preference. You can try it out, but I would not have high expectations. But by not giving into their constant need for attention, you can take away some of their power and control. Another crucial strategy is maintaining emotional detachment. Oh, this is such a huge one. Narcissists can be emotionally manipulative, right? We know that. So it's essential to protect, protect, that's a new word, PR protect. That's very passionate way of saying protect , protect your own emotions. Speaker 1: (05:30)Do not take their insults or criticisms of you personally. This is so hard for a lot of us, especially a lot of us are empaths that get sucked into their web, right? A lot of us have big hearts and big feelings and we're sensitive, right? It's, it's tough. But this is why I do what I do with people because this is part of the journey I love helping with, is to get you to that point. Not only do you gain your confidence, but you also learn to unt attach detach, I don't know, are they both words? Um, emotionally so that you can actually navigate successfully. Like whether that's a relationship or you know, you're co-parenting or whatever. So do not take their. Just don't take it. Don't absorb it. Don't take the bait. By staying emotionally grounded and not reacting to their, you can regain control of the situation, which is what we're trying to achieve by outsmarting them, right? Speaker 1: (06:30)I wanna drum roll for this one. Oo, that did not sound like a drum roll. All right? When dealing with a narcissist, it is essential to document every, everything. I cannot reiterate this enough. Keep records of your interactions, messages, any incidents that might be relative. Um, I would like to also say if you can avoid phone calls with them and do text or email, that is so much better because you have all the proof in the pudding and you know, have it documented. You don't know, especially with narcissists, when stuff can turn and get bad, go legal, maybe you want it to go legal, then it's extra important. You have all of these, like this tracking right of the words they say. A lot of times they can't help themselves. So they can be really stupid when it comes to saying that will bite them in the later. Speaker 1: (07:27)It's like, I don't know. The only icing on the cake with a narcissist is they get real stupid 'cause they're so reactionary. So whether it's a workplace situation that turns into a harassment suit or legal disputes divorce, I've seen a lot of divorce situations where thank goodness that these women or men had everything documented and it really was helpful in their favor with custody and all that. Side note, I think I've mentioned this before, but you can, I, I don't do all this legal stuff, don't quote me on this, but I believe you can get some sort of addendum on a divorce decree. Not sure if that's the exact wording, but I think so where you can make it so that a third party sees your communication between each other. This really has helped some of my clients when they're dealing with co-parenting. This has been awesome. Speaker 1: (08:23)They have this app. There's specific apps for co-parenting for this reason or not co-parenting. I say that I always say co-parenting, but having to parent with someone else, co-parenting is really not a good way to describe parenting with a narcissist if you are not together because they don't really co anything after that. Um, do they even co anything at all? So, but if you are parenting with an ex and they are a narcissist, this is really helpful. There are apps, I don't know the names, but talk to your attorney, um, or anyone in the legal field and ask what your options are for having any communication like legally has to be through a third party app sort of thing where I believe the attorney can have the visibility on there as well. And another thing you can also have set, set up is so that they can only contact you about things pertaining to the children. Speaker 1: (09:24)So you're not gonna get all this crappy hate mail for the rest of your life. So yes, I will say narcissists can be some pretty intelligent people. I know a couple of them that are highly intelligent, but one of their weaknesses is they can be very reactive and that can be in our favor as far as them being kind of sloppy with their evidence, right? Stuff that they say. And if you have it documented, it can be pure gold and very helpful if it goes to a legal situation or other ways too. So make sure to document everything. And also maybe this isn't outsmarting a narcissist, but making sure people know like you, I'm not saying go blab your business to everybody, but make sure somebody close to you knows your situation and can help you out. You can lean on them, you can support them. Speaker 1: (10:25)I actually, this is only with someone you really, really trust. I've actually sent stuff that I had documented, I have emailed it to my best friend who I trust greatly so that that evidence is backed up somewhere else as well. Because you never know, narcissists can get cuckoo, especially like if you're still living with one or you think they could have your password, anything like that where they could go and delete everything. So I say if you have a trusted person to lean on, just in general getting support from them, but also thinking about using them as an extra backup. If you truly, truly trust 'em, like a best friend, family member, nobody who you think could get convinced by a narcissist that you're a show person. Because guess what narcissists will do. The smear campaign will, they will start telling all these people all this about you make you look bad. Speaker 1: (11:26)So it has to be someone you know is a thousand percent on your side. So these are some of the ways there's others. And if you wanna go deeper into it, go check out the ways to work with me and sign up for a call or a month or three months or the rest of your life so we can deal with this together. I am here for you. I have a lot of golden nuggets and dealt with all of this myself and I'm in a really great place now. So I love helping you and that's why I do what I do. If you are not subscribed to my podcast, go ahead and hit subscribe or follow or whatever it says on your podcast platform. Don't forget, I release new episodes every single Tuesday and sometimes I have little bonus episodes, so come follow me so you don't miss any episodes. I'm also on social media, Instagram, I'm fierce. Christy Jade on YouTube. I think I'm fierce. Christy Jade, I'm just fierce. Christy Jade all around. Um, also if you wanna email me, just say hi, have any questions. My email address is always in the show notes so you can find me there. Alright, let's settle down the end of the episode. Let's get namaste. Take a deep breath, hands to heart in less you're driving 'cause that's really awkward. And let's just breathe in. Do a couple affirmations. Okay, inhale, exhale and repeat after me. Speaker 1: (12:51)I have power over my own life. Nobody controls me but me. I'm learning every day and am right where I'm supposed to be because I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you, smooches and deuces and all that good stuff and I will see you in the next episode.

Ep 51 | How to Set Healthy Boundaries Like a Queen!

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Speaker 1: (00:03)Um, hello ladies. Hello my queens. I have something epic lined up for you. I'm so excited. First, I guess I'll say, you know, welcome to, but still she thrives. There's the official, hello. But I am so excited. I am relaunching my boundaries course with a special bonus for a limited time for a limited amount of people. I don't know when that time is gonna be up. I'm gonna see how many I sell and go from there because I need to have enough space to give this bonus offer this time, which is going to be an hour free one-on-one coaching with me. So you will get that on top of your Epic Boundaries course, which is prerecorded go at your own pace. So it's not like you're rushing around. If you've got a very busy life, it's easy to include in your weekly routine, or if you wanna do bi-weekly, it is dripped out weekly. Speaker 1: (00:57)So one video will come out to your email, directly to your email every week on boundaries. So if you feel like you are somebody who feels stressed out, overwhelmed, not at peace, feeling like relationships are stressing you out, feeling like maybe work is stressing you out, maybe the home life with the kids is stressing you out, odds are you have a issue with setting boundaries or keeping them or even knowing what or how to set boundaries. So my course is all about that, but we're going to touch on a few of those things today. And then, um, the offer will be in the show notes, the podcast description area. Um, so you can go ahead and sign up and if you sign up for a limited time, you will get that one hour one-on-one coaching with me, which it's just gonna be amazing, like the course with me helping you, guiding you on your journey to peace and joy and just ease. Speaker 1: (02:02)Don't we want an easier life? I know I did. And I'm here. So here's my hand. I'm gonna pull you on through and let's dive into the actual episode, shall we? So what are boundaries, right? We hear that word all the time to me, and we're gonna, we're gonna speak queen language today 'cause y'all are some queens. So I want you to picture boundaries like the walls that protect your castle, right? So just as a castle's, walls keep the unwanted out and the good within, that's important too for you to focus on, right? To me, it's protecting your peace. So all the good things you want to stay there and you want to block the negativity from coming and seeping into any even little cracks in your walls, right? So just as you get, you keep that unwanted out and the cherished in the personal boundaries define what you are comfortable with and what crosses the line. Speaker 1: (03:01)So imagine your emotional boundaries as this big protective shield around your emotional wellbeing. So when boundaries has such a negative connotation, and I hate that, I wish there was a more positive association with it, um, for me it is. But for a lot of people it feels like, oh, I'm telling someone what to do. No, you are telling yourself what you will and will not tolerate. And yes, you may communicate that to somebody, but in, in healthy loving boundaries, you're not really telling someone to do. I'll give you a quick example. Um, I had a person in my life that raised their voice a lot at me. And I was a grown adult. I was a grown adult, and I didn't want that to happen anymore. I was used to it. It was my way of life, my whole life. But I woke up one day, I was like, this really has caused me a negative feeling, like a lot, right? Speaker 1: (03:53)So I don't like that. I don't like that feeling. So what do you do about it? I, instead of saying, don't yell at me anymore, you can say, I'm not comfortable with being yelled at. That's not something that I accept in my life anymore. And here is what's going to happen in the future. If you do raise your voice at me, there's nothing I can do about that on your end. But for me, I am going to walk away. I'm gonna hang up the phone, like whatever it is your boundary is gonna be, and we'll get to all of that, especially in the boundaries course where you really customize and learn how to figure out what boundaries you need. And there's also talk in my course about how to set those boundaries with love, right? And where it's not aggressive. So anyway, let's move on. Speaker 1: (04:46)So if you find it hard to say no to, let's say extra work at the office, even when it's affecting your personal time, that might be a sign your time related boundaries need attention. If you feel just spread thin, if you feel like, gosh, I have no time to do anything, and I hear this a lot when my clients come to me, I would say 95% of them say, I just, I don't have time to do that. And by the time they're done with me, they have more free time than they could have dreamt of. Because if you do not have free time in your life, it is because you are not, it may be aware of what's going on. You're not living in alignment with what you truly desire. And so therefore you're not really able to recognize or even know how to set those boundaries. Speaker 1: (05:34)Or maybe you know some of them, but you feel uneasy or guilty about setting them. And we're gonna shift all that mindset in the course. So then you can go on and set them and feel good about it. And you realize it actually improves your relationships. And the relationships. If it does damage certain relationships, those may not be relationships that you want in your life because they're not healthy relationships. So we get into all that too. All the fun, right? So setting healthy boundaries, you have to be very clear and specific. Okay? If a colleague asks you to stay late at work all the time, you could say, I'm happy to help, but I need at least 24 hours notice for overtime requests, right? And again, we'll get into all of these things more deeply. And this is where the one-on-one with me can help. Speaker 1: (06:25)If you have specific situations, you really can't figure out, I am a pro at them. So I love helping with that. Then there's overcoming the boundary challenges, right? Like it's natural to fear that setting boundaries might harm the relationships, but consider this healthy boundaries can actually strengthen them. So let's say you have a friend who always calls late at night, they're disturbing your sleep, but you feel like, oh, I feel bad if I don't answer. Like, you have this urgency to answer. I used to have that in general any time of day or night. I just felt like I had to be accessible all the time to my friends. It was a thing, not anymore, but by sending a boundary kindly, you know, saying something like, I value our friendship, but I do need to maintain a, a healthy sleep schedule. So I could totally chat during the day. Speaker 1: (07:24)Let's say you could even give a specific day. I used to have a specific day. Now it's like when I'm working, I really try hard not to do that unless it's like someone has an emergency or something, right? But I really used to have a day of the week I would pick and I'd be like, you know, Thursdays, if you just wanna chat, just to chat, like, I can totally do that from let's say two to 3:00 PM or whatever. Maybe it's at nighttime while you're waiting for dinner to cook on the stove. And these may seem like, you know, some more silly boundaries, some lighter boundaries. We definitely get into some deeper ones, right? I know a lot of you have gone through abuse. A lot of you come to me, you have just gotten out of really hard relationships and you may need to set boundaries with that person. Speaker 1: (08:11)Um, if you're co-parenting, there's some big boundary setting we have to do there, right? So all of that is something we can work on. So let's, let's talk about somebody who actually went through my program, right? She struggled so much with setting boundaries at her workplace. She used to say yes to everything, everything, if it meant working late, sacrificing her personal time. And this came from her because growing up she really didn't do a lot for herself because she grew up with a parent who was very controlling, um, very, you do everything I say when I do it. And she had no voice in her own life. So she didn't even really know her own voice. When she came to me, we discovered who she was, what she desired, and how to live in alignment with that. And part of that is getting comfortable with and setting new boundaries, right? Speaker 1: (09:17)So after learning about boundaries, she decided to communicate her limits. And not only did she improve her work life balance, but she got more respect from her colleagues. And I have my own little sidebar. Um, when I was in my early twenties, I worked at a television production company. And in the first, gosh, first two weeks, I don't remember exactly, but within the first two weeks, um, this is kind of an embarrassing but funny story. So I actually will go into detail 'cause it's a little entertainment here too. Um, you know, I've always been good at boundaries in certain ways with certain people. I wasn't right? But I always felt like in the workplace, my dad had really, he used to say, here we go, we all in the same pot. That's what he told me. So I was like, yes, I'll respect my elders and all of that, but we're, we're all human, right? Speaker 1: (10:17)Like, I should never be talked down to or yelled at or anything, right? That was something that I just grew up with feeling in a work environment. So I had this new boss and I had asked him to, um, I I was moving out into an apartment and they needed proof that I, you know, had this job, whatever. So they asked him, I mean, I asked him if he could please get back to them. 'cause they had called and he hadn't returned their call, and he kind of blew me off. So I asked, there was like another boss, like a step above him. I asked him, sent him an email with a guy's name. Neither one of them were getting back to him. The guy called, and this was like over the span of a week or so. And so the guy at the apartment building, he contacted me. Speaker 1: (11:11)He said, look, if I don't have this by tomorrow, you're not getting the apartment. So I was like, well, I really wanted this apartment. So I looked in the directory of our huge company, okay? And I typed in human resources. I was like, well, I guess I just go to hr. Maybe that's why they're not responding. Maybe this is an HR thing. So I'll just go to hr. Keep in mind you, I'm fresh out of college. I don't really know how it all works. I just was like, okay, hr. And I saw that there was the president of hr, and I was like, perfect. So I emailed the president of HR and I CC'd the bosses. And my boss, who she didn't, she was like, she wasn't my boss. She was kind of a manager, but not my boss. So I, I couldn't ask her for this, right? Speaker 1: (12:10)Like, she wasn't directly above me. Exactly. Um, but she was in our department and I loved her, whatever. But I put her on the email. I don't even remember why I put her on the email, to be honest. It's so long ago. So, and I ccd the other two bosses who did not get back to the guy. And I wrote to the president of HR and I hit send. And I'm sitting there and I immediately, we were in cubicles and I immediately hear one, one of the bosses, the, like, my direct boss screaming at the top of his lungs. He screamed my name real loud. And, and there were tons of people around us, right? We're in cubicles. There's probably 25, 30 people. And my other, the woman, you know, manager looked at me and she looked at the, she was looking at her screen, she's like, oh, shaking her head. Speaker 1: (13:09)And I was like, oh gosh, did I do something wrong? , I guess so. And so the boss comes running over to my desk, I mean, veins popping red face, not good. And I don't even remember what he yelled, but he was yelling, yelling, yelling at me. And I was humiliated. I mean, I was brand new. All these people were staring at me. He yelled at me and I, I just went, I stormed away, went to the bathroom, I was crying in the bathroom, which was not like me, but I mean, I, that was not comfortable obviously. And I got myself together. And I remember sitting there and I was like, we all in the same pot. Nobody talks to me like that. And I went to him and I said, I, I'd like to speak with you in private, please. And he goes, I don't have time. Speaker 1: (14:06)And so I walked away. So I emailed him and I said, I'd really like to meet with you in private before you leave today. And I knew every, all of our schedule, I think were five or six. And at five o'clock I, like right before five, I see him getting his stuff ready. Like he just ignored my email. So I got up and I walked over to him and I said, I'd really like to meet before you leave. And he was like, God, fine. You know, like he was really annoyed. And so I said, do you wanna go into a quality control suite? We did television, production, quality control, and they had suites that shut. So we went in there and I said to him, I said, what you did to me earlier was not okay. I felt very disrespected and humiliated. I didn't do anything on purpose, obviously. Speaker 1: (14:59)And he was like, you wrote to the president of HR of all of this company. I mean, he is huge company. And I said, well, I don't know. I, the guy said I needed it done, you know, or I wouldn't get the apartment. And so we kind of went back and forth. I, he was still upset, but he calmed down as we talked. And I was like, that just under no circumstance, is that okay to speak to me like that, to speak to anyone like that. It's just not, I was, you know, I wasn't yelling, I was calm, I was just direct. And did I think I could get fired? Sure. Um, but I also have faith. There's this whole faith thing that goes along with me and my mind. And I do believe God will take care of us if we take care of ourselves. Speaker 1: (15:49)And, um, and I'm not saying you have to go about things this way, right? It might be extreme to do that, but maybe having an exit plan and looking for another job. If let's say, you know, you're scared to do something like that 'cause you have kids to support, I totally get that. But it's setting a standard. And I will tell you this, that man never spoke badly to me again. He actually was very kind. He liked me. He would tell people about me. He had used my nickname. He came to love me. And he told me one day, he said, the day that you talked to me in that room made me gain major respect for you. And that kind of hit, you know, because I was, I was scared. I was like, I, this might be it for me here. That sucks. I only made it two weeks. Speaker 1: (16:43)Um, and I wasn't someone to do that. But I, I felt so much in my body that this is not okay and not right that I just had to say something. So all that big story to say between me and my clients, I can tell you people respect you when you respect yourself and when you de demand, not demand, I hate that word, demand respect. But when you don't settle for less than being respected and being treated well, right? People treat you how you let them treat you. And that is true my whole life. Look, the abuse when I was a child, that is something that, you know, yeah, sure, I wish I would've gone to police or whatever, gotten help. But we don't always know, especially as children didn't know what options were out there. But I will tell you, as I got older and out of the house and going through this work, nobody treats me poorly anymore. Speaker 1: (17:38)That just doesn't happen. If it does, it's one time and they're out. Like, you don't get, you don't get chances to poorly behave around me. And I want you all to have this standard for yourself. I'm calling it the bold standard. 'cause you're queens, right? We're all queens. Everyone. Men too. This isn't just like a women empowerment. I mean, I'm all about women obviously, but men need to be treated well too. There are women who treat men horribly. Everybody deserves to be treated well and have high standards for themselves in their lives. You know, don't let anyone treat you like how you would not want your own child treated, right? A lot of us will be like, oh, they can't do that. And so protective of our kids, be protective of yourself as well. Like this life is to be lived in peace, in joy, in freedom and happiness. Speaker 1: (18:38)We're not here to suffer or take, okay? So I would love you to purchase my boundaries. Course it will be life changing. I, I can say everyone who has gone through my course has told me it has changed their lives. And then with that one-on-one coaching session with me that comes with it, this is like, now is the time to get this. So I will put the link in. I want you to really take your boundaries seriously and know you can do it in a way that isn't, you don't have to be a, right? Like there's a whole like association with boundaries or power. And that's. And we don't have time for it. You are loving yourself and all you want is to be treated well. And that's okay. That's more than okay. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Again, we're not here to suffer. Speaker 1: (19:34)That's not why we're here guys. We're here for many, many different reasons. That's a whole other show. But, and to help others. And you can still help others and be selfless in many ways, yet still care for yourself and demand that you be treated well. And again, I hate that word. It's got a negative connotation, but don't settle for less. I'll fluff it up a little bit. Semantics. Semantics. Anyway, this is a little bit of a longer episode, but it's super important. And this is the foundation of having a great life. It's simple. Like a great life is truly created by figuring out what your desires are. Maybe you have to rediscover yourself in the process. I'll do an episode about that. And then setting boundaries with yourself and with other people. There's also, you have to set boundaries with your yourself. If you want your life to align with your desires. What does your day look like? I, if you desire really to travel, but you never travel the, we've gotta fix something that could be a boundary with yourself. Well, what are, are you spending all this money on something else that's really not working toward what you actually want? It just in the moment seems like a good fix. Like, um, binge shopping, just like a, you know, aimlessly walking the aisles or scrolling on Amazon. 'cause you're filling a, a void in the moment. You just guzzling some wine, a coffee addiction that's expensive. Speaker 1: (21:15)Like getting clear on your alignment with what you desire and setting those boundaries to get into that alignment is everything. So I will link all this stuff in my show notes. If you have questions, I'll put my email in there as well. You guys deserve the freaking world. And you can get it. You can live a dream version of your life, if that makes sense, right? Like, can I be Mariah Carey right now? Maybe not, but can I live my dream if I wanna, if I love singing, which I do right now, I'm taking voice lessons, I love it. I'm singing on YouTube. I'm having a good old time, right? Like, there's ways to bring your sparkle back on top of, you know, recreating your boundaries with other people, recreating your life through setting the boundaries and letting the good in filling your life with more of the good it by blocking out the bad, right? Speaker 1: (22:25)Think about it. If you have negative energy and people draining you all the time, how are you gonna really be happy and do more of the good stuff or figure out what you even wanna do? Look like, picture it as a scale, right? You want that happy, happy joy, joy to be way up in the air. We want an imbalanced happy scale . Um, because that negative will just weigh you down, rob you of your energy, rob you of your joy, fill you with anxiety and worry. And y you are going to get more than that. I, if you go through this course, you are gonna learn a lot and you are going, it is invaluable. You are going to change your life. So, alright, I'm just, I'm passionate, obviously I could go on and on. Now I have, I've gone on for another like four minutes. Speaker 1: (23:17)So I will let you go, go click on that, purchase it, get that free call with me, which will pop up at the end of your, don't be worried if it's not there right away. Um, you can get, you can purchase an extra one if you'd like to. Um, there's an option for that to get two calls with me. But at the end, automatically at the end of your course, you get that one-on-one call. So you go through the course and then we can chat, you can, you know, if you have any questions about the course, if you're like, okay, I get it, but I have this specific situation that's tricky, can you help me? Yes. All those things. Or we can just sing and dance, do some yoga. Just kidding. Well, not really. We can do whatever you want with that hour, , but I love you guys. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

Ep 50 | The Best Affirmations After Narcissistic Abuse

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:02)Hello Queens. How are you? I'm so excited to be back after a little break. Here we are, we are gonna do some affirmations today. I wanna ask you guys for feedback. If you like this type of thing. Every once in a while hit me up at Fiercemamac@gmail.com and all my connecting links are always in the show notes. So don't forget to go to the show notes after the show or save it for later. Send yourself a little reminder. Um, but I would love to hear from you guys. Okay. Second thing we need to discuss, this is amazing. This is awesome. For the rest of the month, I have a few more slots open in my schedule for you guys. This is a super, super special pricing. I first sent it out to my email list, um, so they got the first dibs on it and uh, the spots are going. Speaker 1: (00:55)And if you're not on my email list, also in the show notes that go to the four minute meditation, you get an epic four minute, yeah, ends four minute meditation to start every morning with it is amazing. It's like relaxing but like energizing and grounding all at the same time. It's my client's favorite meditation that I do. So I'm giving you guys that free and when you sign up for that, you also get put on the email list if you opt in for that. If you do that, you can unsubscribe at any time. But why would you want to? Um, so you get first dibs at special pricing. If you're on the email list, you get just a reminder when my podcast comes out every week and then other little things drift in there. Alright, so let's shut up. Well not shut up totally, but shut up about all this and let's get into the actual affirmations. Speaker 1: (01:44)Okay? So I wanted to give you some affirmations for if you have been through abuse or if you've been through any trauma that has just kind of, I don't know, destroyed your confidence, brought you down, messed up your nervous system, any of that. I think we all deserve to actually take some time here. And I wanna hold space for you. So save this for either a time in solitude or if you are driving, just let me do the talking and you don't have to talk back. Pay attention to the road. If you're driving, I will just say these and they will go into your subconscious even if you don't repeat them. Um, and you can save this episode that you can go back to it over and over again every day of your life. No, but saying affirmations morning and night, literally, it's life changing. Speaker 1: (02:36)And it's, when I started my whole healing journey, this was a huge part. I still do it, but this was a huge part and I'm so glad that I did it because it truly does change the wiring in your brain. So let's dive in. So I will speak it and then you will repeat it after out loud in your mind. Or if you're driving and you just wanna let it marinate up in there, that's what you can do. Okay? So I'm gonna give space after. If you're like, where'd she go? That's where I went. All right, let's take a nice breath and get grounded. Ah, just shake out any stresses if you've had, if this is the end of the day or listening, shake out that stress. If this is your morning commute in, just envision a beautiful day ahead and let's go. I will break them up because some are longer. All right? I am worthy of love and respect and I deserve to be treated with kindness and empathy. I release the pain of the past and embrace a future filled with healing. I trust my instincts and boundaries to protect me from toxic relationships. Speaker 1: (04:07)I am not defined by my past. I am creating a brighter and healthier future. I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and understand that I did the best I could. I am strong and resilient and can overcome any challenges that come my way. I choose to focus on my own happiness rather than seeking validation from others. I am in control of my life and I have the power to choose who I allow into it. I am free from the chains of manipulation and can now live authentically and true to myself. I am surrounded by love and support and I am open to receiving it. Speaker 1: (05:51)Okay, so put these on repeat in the morning, in the evening. I just wanna touch on a couple of them real quick. You know, I always like to just go off on a little tangent. I will, I'll save you from going through each one. But the one I choose to focus on my own happiness and wellbeing, I left wellbeing off 'cause it was getting along, but rather than seeking validation from others is so important for us. That's a really big one to focus on. You focus on your own wellbeing and what's good for you and, and stop seeking validation from another person, right? And I love also, I am in control of my life and I have the power to choose who I allow into it. I have the power to choose who I allow into it. That is so, it's so hard when you start on this journey. Speaker 1: (06:48)And I don't know where you are in your journey. I know I have people who are just starting their journey, people who are in the middle, people who have really done some work. But it's so easy to go back on that one and feel guilt naturally. And I want you to give yourself permission to choose who you allow in your space, right? Like, it's so important. You deserve peace. We all do. So I want you to really, really sit on these, play them back again if you want, go hit replay, save this episode to come back to. It's so important to have all of these things really marinate, upping your body queen. Why? 'cause you're a queen. All right? I love you guys. And don't forget to reach out to fill up one of those spots. We can do whatever you want. It is the power hour. Speaker 1: (07:38)That's what I'm calling this. The power hour of whatever service from me you want or need. It can be even a combination. You want like a half hour coaching, a half hour tapping or re you were. Let's do it. I want this customized to you and your needs. So I'm so, so excited. I'm having so much fun with this. So definitely sign up. There's also gonna always be that link to my boundaries. Course it is updated and better than ever. So go check that out. Just always go look at my show notes for all the things that are happening in Christy Jade World. All right, love you guys. Don't forget to save this episode so you can go back to it and really reinforce this 'cause you all are some serious Queens, Smooches and Dueces!

Ep 49 | 4 Ways to Live a Happier Life

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This week I talk about 4 Ways to Live a Happier Life 
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:02)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Kristi Jade, and we're gonna do a short but sweet podcast today. It's sweet because there's some simple tips for just living happier. And then I'm gonna talk about a program that I am putting out there. Again, I had it a few years ago and I am amping it. I have built more into it. It is epic, it is life changing. I will put a link with testimonials and all the details, but first, let's just dive into some simple things. We kind of complicate life, right? We have a lot of stress and there's a lot of external things that affect how we live our lives every day, right? The things we have to do, the feel, things we feel we need to do. External relationships, our relationship with ourself, our self-talk. There's so much that impacts our daily lives. Speaker 1: (00:59)So sometimes it's hard to take ourselves out and step back and evaluate what's going on. So number one, before this is just like a little bonus, but number one is sit back and evaluate first, right? Like what is going right and what is not going right in your life? That's pretty simplified. We go deeper to that, into that in my program. But starting there where you actually step outside of yourself and take a breath and stop just doing that. Like run, always go, always go. And not really taking the time to actually say, Hey, where am I? Not happy? And doing it in kind of a logical way and getting your emotions out of it so you can do it successfully. So one of my biggest tips for living a happier life is to not get sucked into the drama. What is the drama though, right? Speaker 1: (01:54)Drama can be so many things, but for me, drama really looked like getting in conversations that are negative, where people are draining your energy, where you feel tired after a conversation with someone. 'cause it's someone who complains a lot or they're negative, or you guys bring out negativity in each other. It just doesn't feel healthy and you don't leave conversations feeling uplifted and more energized. So pay attention to your body. Don't get sucked in. Also, don't take the bait if there are people in your life. And if you're on this podcast, a lot of you have been through abuse that are abusive to you, don't take the bait and don't get sucked in. It kind of goes into that realm as well. Number two, you have to find the time for self-care. I don't care who you are, I don't give a. You have some time. Speaker 1: (02:44)You will create the time. I am big on this. This is something I do with my clients, and every client has been able to create self-care time for themselves, even if they came in thinking they did not have the time. So you need to find the time. Number three, stop trying to please everybody, especially us as moms, as women, we by nature, can be more nurturing and wanna help people and that's all great, but it, when it's at the expense of your own wellbeing, it is no longer helpful to anybody. My favorite quote in the world is, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If your cup is drained out, you have nothing useful to give other people anyway, right? You need to take care of yourself. That doesn't mean you're selfish, it means you gotta do that self-care. You have to evaluate what is important to you, what you wanna do in your life so that you can be happy. Speaker 1: (03:43)And then that has a trickle down effect of others being happy. So get rid of that guilt girl. Number four, stop the negative self-talk. This is something that takes a little bit of training, but where we can stop our thoughts and really re retrain, reframe the brain. Oh, I'm, it's like I'm wrapping over here, but where you have to actively think, what are the thoughts that are in my head every day? I mean like 90% of women's thoughts are negative, whether it's judging other people, judging yourself when you're looking in the mirror, having those thoughts and worries, you know, thinking about future things that may not even happen, but we're thinking worst case scenario, or even the negative thoughts like, oh, I, I can't do this. I'm not good enough. All of those thoughts are trash. They're stupid trash and we want to get rid of 'em. Speaker 1: (04:35)So that's something I also work on with all of my clients. That's a big one because we all do it. So these are four ways. This is, you know, a jumpstart to just start thinking about these things. And if you want help, if you're really truly ready to change your life, I encourage you to click on the link in my show notes. I am doing this program. It is a three month journey to find that happiness, to find that peace and live joyfully and get excited about life again. To find yourself. Maybe you never knew who you were or maybe you wanna re-find yourself. That's what my situation was before I went through all this fun healing. And healing doesn't have to be dark and crying all the time and laying on a couch for hours talking about your innermost feelings. There is a space and time for that. Speaker 1: (05:28)But when we are working together, we're gonna have fun and you will be changed after working with me. So I am going to let you go read testimonials. I will put in the link, I will let you read more details about this journey. This is an investment in yourself that it is really invaluable because if you are not happy, if you are not thriving, if you are not at peace, if you don't know how to just be able to breathe and live life and enjoy it, that that is priceless. To learn how to do those things. So I've got these tools and I'm walking alongside of you, but you get to also lead and start trusting yourself to a point where you know you can take control, you can get that power. Maybe you lost that power if you were in a bad situation in your life. Speaker 1: (06:19)Maybe that power you feel like it's gone, it is not gone. It's just been on. And we're here to wipe that off it, get your power back and start making some major moves in your life. And it doesn't have to be hard. It's actually fun. My clients love this journey. So if you are ready, I am only here for people who are really ready. If you are truly ready to invest in yourself and change your life, go ahead and sign up for this program. And then you will get an email. So you can sign up for our first call together. We'll do a zoom. I love a little face-to-face action. And then there's Voxer access. If you don't know what that is, it's this walkie-talkie app, which is so badass and you can talk to me through it. Um, I check it a couple times a day. Speaker 1: (07:07)And so if you need in between support, I am there Monday through Friday. Like I said, I check a couple times a day. I always send emails. I love sending emails and I make 'em all cute and put emojis and stuff 'cause I'm a nerd like that. Um, with kind of like our plan for the week and how, you know, just a reminder of what we talked about on the phone. Basically notes from our phone call, any action items. But it's good stuff. It's stuff that's going to leave you feeling great and happy. Like this does not have to be so hard. Okay? So I'm so excited For those of you who are ready and I want you to click over there, sign up so I can help you on this journey. You are a queen and you deserve the life of a queen. Okay? All right, love you guys. Talk to you soon.

Ep 48 | Do Narcissists Have Real Emotions? The Surprising Answer !

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Do Narcissists Have Real Emotions? The Surprising Answer on today's episode of But Still She Thrives
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode of, but Still She Thrives. We are gonna talk about do narcissists really have emotions? They have what we see as emotions, but are they true emotions? Stay tuned and find out. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:12)All right, let's dive into this. I can say I myself was really wondering about this. When I started to really delve into narcissistic abuse with my own experience with studying it. This was something I was like, oh, I get so confused about this because they can turn on the tears. Or are they real tears? Sometimes it seems so genuine. They have all these different emotions that we can relate to, but there's something that seems off about it, so it makes us wonder. So we're gonna explore. All right. To begin, let's clarify what narcissism is. If you're new here, maybe you don't know. It is narcissistic personality disorder or N p D. It's a mental health condition, really characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration and important, very important in this is the lack of empathy for others. So it's not just someone who's like, oh, they're such a narcissist. Speaker 1: (02:08)They're just so cocky, right? It goes a lot deeper. There's a lot of characteristics. You can go binge a bunch of my episodes to find out more, but they often come across as arrogant and self-centered. So I think it's important to know do they have emotions? Do they real emotions? Do they have the same emotions the rest of quote us do? So do they have emotions? The short answer is yes. Like anyone else, they experience a wide range of emotions, happiness, sadness, anger. We know about that. Anger and narcissist, don't we? And even fear, right? However, the way they experience and express their emotions is what's really very different from what we consider typical. So they may have difficulty connecting with and understanding their own emotions. For me, I I really picture them as having these deep, deep buried emotions that they can't even touch on. Speaker 1: (03:06)Occasionally, depending on how much frequency of contact, how long you've known the narcissist, you may get a little glimpse of this vulnerability where you see a true ish emotion. I've experienced that very, very rarely with someone that I have known for decades. Um, I would say twice I feel I've seen what is actually a true emotion. Um, because they, they really don't even understand their own selves. They can't cope with emotions. So they don't really go there. Their intense focus on themselves also often makes it challenging for them to empathize with the emotions of other people. They're always so up their own asses, let's call it what it is that they can't see past it, right? And they, so they just have this block there. And another important aspect to consider is this narcissistic mass. So it's kind of referring to what, what I was talking about there about, you know, there's these emotions buried deep, but they often present a very carefully crafted image to the world. Speaker 1: (04:17)And this conceals all those insecurities, all their vulnerabilities, 'cause they have 'em. So that's another episode. They do have insecurities. A lot of narcissists come off as so cocky, an arrogant, and they know it all. And they are actually completely the opposite. So this mask can make it seem like they lack emotions or are only concerned with their own needs, which honestly, I do believe most of them are only concern concerned with their own needs. But that is where that comes from, is they are, are showing that they are this, oh, look at me, I've done this and I've done that. They brag, they come off as very arrogant. And so it kind of will really highlight that they are not concerned with other people and they have a big, big focus on themselves. But beneath that exterior, narcissists can be very fragile. They may react strongly to perceived slights or criticism. Speaker 1: (05:19)So that's something to look out for. If there is someone who cannot handle being wrong, cannot handle being criticized, even when you come at it in a loving way, even when you use that sandwich mess method and you roll up there and say, oh my God, you're the best. And, but here's this little thing I wish you would do a little differently and not treat me like garbage, but I love you and I hope we can work it out. They still come at you all crazy. They can't handle being just disciplined, or not even disciplined, but just talk, having a healthy conversation about changes that need to be made. Whatever it is, they cannot handle that. So they struggle to understand, like we said, and also more importantly, manage the, the emotions they do have, the emotions it triggers inside of them. So this whole paradox of arrogance and fragility, I think is really what confuses so many of us. Speaker 1: (06:23)And now that we know more about narcissism, narcissism can't even say the word today. Um, now that there's more information out there, it's so helpful because now you can see, okay, I think this person is so arrogant, they're very fragile. But don't let that make you feel, uh, because sometimes, let's be honest, when we see a fragile person or think of someone as fragile, we have empathy, which is great, but not with, they're a, they're a narcissist because narcissist narcissists are generally abusive. So I don't want you to go there and think like, oh, this this poor little hurt cat, I'm gonna help it. No, you don't need to help anybody. You know, my very, very first advice I I will give in a narcissistic situation if you are with a narcissist, is to get out. Not everyone's gonna like that. Not everyone is going to be ready for that. Speaker 1: (07:24)That's fine. No judgment. That's always gonna be my first and foremost advice. However, if you are co-parenting, there's no way around having them totally out of your life in most situations, unless they are abusive to the point that it can be proven and you can, you know, have your children taken from them. Or if you are in a situation where you are very fearful of your life, that is very, very hard to get out of the situation. It's a lot harder when you have that fear. And I understand that, and that's why I always recommend, and I always put the phone number to the domestic abuse hotline in my show notes. So don't hesitate to, they also, I think even on their website, I believe they have like a, a hidden thing where if you go to it, you can hide it. So if your narcissist is, you know, stalking your, they, you can basically have it. Speaker 1: (08:20)So it's hidden. Um, I should probably check into that more to give you the exact details, but I remember when I went to that website, checking it, there was something like that, which is helpful. Um, you can call that phone number, try to make a plan to get out. 'cause I, I do get it. It's hard. But that is just always my first, first and foremost advice is get as far away as a narcissist as you can. Fragile or not. That fragility is very different in narcissists because it comes out usually in abusive behavior. Okay? So if you or someone you know is dealing with narcissistic tendencies, right? If you or yourself, maybe there's a narcissist listening to this out there, probably not. Most narcissists don't want help. Um, but if you are dealing with it yourself, you're in a situation or you know somebody, please direct them to this. Speaker 1: (09:11)You know, go ahead and share this with them. Share whatever information is in my show notes with them. If it is for you, I really beg you to seek help. If you are in a situation with a narcissist, you deserve more. Okay? Therapists, mental health experts, me as a coach can provide guidance and support. However, I will say I work with women who have already gotten out of romantic situations. Um, I don't work with women actively one-on-one with women who are in currently in the situations. That's just a different thing that I, um, you know, I don't work with that sort of situation right now. I have in the past, but right now, that's not my focus. However, like I said, there's the domestic hotline. 'cause really you need to get a plan first and foremost to get out. I work with women who are on the other end of things. Speaker 1: (10:08)Maybe you've just gotten out of the situation. Maybe you're six months, a year, three years out, but you are still healing, which can very much be the case if you have not gotten, um, help. Or maybe you've been to a therapist, like I was a therapist that did not really know about narcissists. And that was not helpful because there you, 'cause they're, you can't treat them like other people. You can't treat the situation like other people. So, um, it's really important if you do get a therapist, make sure they have dealt with narcissism themselves. Uh, that, that is how I found one of my therapists. I really interviewed people and was like, if they wouldn't tell me, then they didn't tell me I'd go to the next one. Then I found a lady, she had a narcissistic person in her life. And I was like, good. Speaker 1: (10:51)This is a great, she knows what it's like. 'cause I felt like very alone. Like no one really got it. So that being said, I am here. If you are on the other side, I would love to work with you one-on-one. We basically, we have like a kickoff call. I'll put that in the show notes where we create a two week plan. So it's on this, this new journey to healing. I like to call it you 2.0. We, we are becoming a queen. You deserve all the joy, all the peace. And just because you've been in this situation does not mean you cannot have that. And so it's super important to realize that, like, don't lose hope. Um, I've been there and I am on the other side of it, and life is grand and amazing. I mean, nobody's life is perfect, but God, the difference is really epic. Speaker 1: (11:37)It's epic man, . So definitely click on that sign up. Um, right now it is, I believe 1 97 for two. So you get two calls with me and you get some email support in between. And then we start our journey. You can come on and do monthly calls. So I have most of my clients do once a week calls with me. And we get you in such a better spot in your life. You get that peace, that calm, you can sleep at night. You don't have these racing thoughts all the time. You don't feel like you're crawling out of your skin and you know what to do if this person contacts you or if you have, you know, these memories or these triggers. Like we work through a lot of those things. I will say it's, it's a quicker process than you think it might be. Speaker 1: (12:27)And we really shift from that into, okay, you're here now, let's do, now let's live out loud. Let's find joy. Let's find peace. Let's find people that lift us up in our lives. Let's do the things that make us happy. Like when you're a kid and you just like have these activities, like you feel like you lost your sparkle, girl, we're gonna get your sparkle back. Okay? You're a queen. You deserve to sparkle. Okay. All right. So yes, in conclusion, 'cause I rambled, narcissists do have emotions, however, their emotional experiences and expressions can be very complex and influenced by their narcissistic tendencies. So understanding is essential for those dealing with narcissists or seeking to help them. So if you also are a mental health specialist, please do as much research as you can. Talk to people who have dealt with it. Talk to narcissists themselves. Speaker 1: (13:29)There are some out there that are actually on YouTube, um, where you can listen to their videos and get an idea of, of really who these people are because it's way more complex than, than often it is made. But at the same time, I'll give you one hint if you haven't heard all my episodes, maybe you haven't heard this, but one thing about narcissists that simplifies it for me is they are always seeking to control their victim or to regain control, like checking if they have that control. If they don't, then they will try to regain it back. So like all of their calculated moves, it's all about control. It's about really nothing else. So that is kind of oversimplifying it, but it's a helpful handy tool when you are like, why is he reaching out? Why is he doing this? Whenever you ask why, your answer is basically right there for control. Speaker 1: (14:25)For control, for control, okay? So anyway, that is it for today's episode. I do want to say, let's do a little, I am a little affirmation action before we leave. Okay? A little empowered. I am okay. Hands to heart. And unless you're driving, nobody needs you shutting your eyes with your hand on your heart and going off the road. Okay, let's take a breath. This was some fast talking tonight. I got a lot of to do tomorrow, so I'm speeding talking , okay? Ah, all right. I am worthy of peace. Say after me. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of joy. I am gonna get my sparkle back Speaker 2: (15:15)Because Speaker 1: (15:16)I'm a queen . Alright, see you guys in the next episode. Loves these. Don't forget to check the show notes.
 

Ep 47 | The Secret to How My Narcissist Got Me Back and How to Avoid Getting Sucked Back In

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This week we talk about 8 Strategies to Accelerate Healing C-PTSD After Narcissistic Abuse
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)On today's episode of, but Still She Thrives. We are going to talk about the secret of how my narcissist got me back. It probably works on you too. If you're still in this situation or if you're out of the situation, this may be a struggle and you're scared. You don't wanna go back or get re-involved in any way. Sometimes, even if you're a romantic. And then they try to suck you in as like a friend. They can use this tactic and it, it worked pretty well on me. I'm a sucker for it. So stay tuned to find out what it is and how we can say no, like to drugs. Just say no. Speaker 1: (00:39)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:36)All right, so let's dive into the secret to how my narcissist got me back. I mean, there were, you know, several ways, but this is a huge one that I think some of us may oversee. Or if you are an empath, like most narcissistic abuse victims, survivors, whatever you wanna be called, don't, don't yell at me, often have this trait of being empathetic and having big hearts, right? So this is something that narcissists really manipulate and in a calculated way use against us. So for me, one of those really, really hard things to resist is nostalgia slash memories. Anything related to good times, and it doesn't necessarily even had like, have to be with that specific person. And I'm gonna use an example, I'm gonna throw it out there. One of my real life examples that has happened to me in recent years even is that one of the narcissists that I cut out of my life is famous. Speaker 1: (02:42)Not famous, but famous for trying to suck me back in with nostalgia. He knows that's the thing. This is someone who knows me very well, we spent lots of time together and he thinks he is really smart. But I see through it. So now, honestly, it's comical when it would come through in recent years, it would be like, oh my gosh, this is so obvious that, I mean, it's comical, but it's gross too. It's gross behavior. So the nostalgia. So it doesn't necessarily, like I said, it doesn't have to be like, oh, remember when? And those can happen too. The whole, remember when we went to Maui together? I wish actually I went to Maui with anybody. That didn't happen. But you know, going down memory lane in that way is a great fast way to suck people in. Also, another way is just things they know you love. Speaker 1: (03:33)So my narcissist would use examples like, Hey, I just got tickets to blank. You like one of your favorite musicians, I'm saving a ticket for you. I have backstage passes. That's a real thing that happened. So they're trying to pull you in and, and they could totally turn it around, be like, no, I was just trying to be a nice guy. I really was. No, you weren't. You want to gain control. Narcissists want to gain control, and if they don't have it, they will try to get it back, right? And this, I mean, this was not years, maybe a year between the last time I talked to this person, they fell off. So don't expect them to fall off and never come back. I think we know that, but this person had not contacted me. Whatever. It was like good gravy. Then they came back with this probably because it may have sparked a memory of me because yes, I like this musician and they knew that. Speaker 1: (04:36)But it was more about them being feeling rejected and not having control. So they're like, Hmm, how can I get set this up so that this person feels like they either guilted into it, like, oh, I already have a ticket for you. Or throw that nostalgia on and make you feel special. Right? There was wording in it like, you know, you're the only person that would love to see this as much as I would. Right? Which isn't true. I mean, this is a very famous person. These people are famous people. There are hundreds of thousands of people that like them. We're not special, okay? But they are calculated and they use this wording and they try to manipulate so they can get their way and gain control. So I'm pointing all of this out so that if you're in a similar situation, you can look at texts like that, emails, calls, whatever it is, and say, I know what you do. Speaker 1: (05:32)And yeah, yeah. Who sang that song? You remember? I know what maybe she was singing about a narcissist and say, okay, enough of that. 'cause I clearly don't even know the words, but this is super important. Yes, this is kind of like a quick, we're having a quick little episode here, but this is so important to be able to recognize this as a flag. When they bring nostalgia up, it is to gain control of you. And it's about them. It's not about you. We're not special. I mean, we're special, but we're not really special. These people, they do this for control. So we have to recognize that and write this stuff down. A little secret to not taking the bait on this. Something that I do is I literally have for one of the narcissists, 'cause that was the hardest one for me to like separate from, there's a little notebook I have and I just like have these little reminders. Speaker 1: (06:31)So whenever I, I never will like go back to, to being in this person's life. But whenever I have a moment of just feeling like a little guilty, which is very rare now, or I don't know if guilty is the word, but just like, you know, I'm a human with a big heart and it, it's hard sometimes, right? Even for me, I have a little moment and I'll just say, let me look in my little notebook, right? And it makes me feel so much better. So all the things this person has done, write them down in a notebook or locked up in a computer that no one can get access to, whatever somewhere. Especially if you're fresh out the gates. It's helpful. I did it fresh out the gates and looked at it every single day. I wrote all the crap they did and to remind myself. Speaker 1: (07:15)'cause when we're feeling guilty or emotional or nostalgic, we will think of the good things. So a key to not, you know, to avoiding this getting sucked in this way, is to write all the things down. How they made your life miserable. And writing down nostalgia is just about them and their control, not about me. All right, I hope this is helpful and I will see you in the next episode. The Nest episode. I forgot the X in that word. I'm still in summertime, but only a couple more weeks until our fall school semester begins. So that's in my mind when fall begins, basically, when my daughter goes back to school. So a couple more weeks of that, and then I'm gonna be possibly upping to two episodes a week. Again, what do you guys think? You like one or two episodes a week. Speaker 1: (08:03)Let me know what is I, because I know some people can get overwhelmed, especially like after abuse and stuff. So is two episodes a week? Too many? Do you feel like you won't be able to keep up? Let me know. Write me my email's always in the, uh, what do you call the Gmail? The Gmail, the, the podcast notes area and my Gmail email is in there. And also, if you are having trouble with setting boundaries with you, feel like you're getting sucked into toxic behaviors, please either buy My Boundaries course, which is always also listed in there. It's amazing. And it's lifetime access. It's go at your own pace. There's like one week dripped for 10 weeks. So you do it like one about a half hour or less video every week talking about how to set, how to create, how to evaluate what boundaries you need, then how to set them and you know, create them, set them, and then maintain them. Speaker 1: (09:03)How to have any tough conversations you feel like you need to have. And even setting boundaries with yourself. That's a fun one. So it's 10 videos, they drip out for 10 weeks and then after that you can have them forever and ever. Yay. So definitely check that out. If you have trouble setting boundaries or if you wanna work one-on-one with me, there's always that option. Go into the podcast notes for that as well, and I will talk to you soon. Let's do, let's do a couple, uh, affirmations. Shall we shoulder shake? All right. Hands over heart. Unless you're driving. Take a nice deep breath. Ah, okay. I will not get sucked back into any toxicity. Repeat after me. Speaker 2: (09:51)Okay. Speaker 1: (09:53)I want peace, therefore I must protect myself. I know I can be strong because I'm a queen. Yeah. All right, love you. See you. The next one.
 

Ep 46 | How to Accept a Narcissist’s Behavior

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This week, let's talk about Tips on how to accept a narcissist's behavior
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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)My beauties, how are you? Okay. I have been off. I have been vacationing and I also went to the lake with my group of friends, and I wanted to just slide this in here in the intro. How important it is to find very supportive, upbeat, uplifting people that do not gossip, who aren't negative, who don't bring you down to have in your life. It's so important to surround yourselves with good freaking people. I can't tell you the difference in my life now from 15 years ago. I'm not saying all my friends were negative, but there were some people that I had to walk on eggshells around that brought me down. And now having a solid group of friends that just were there for each other and always positive and not like. Talking other people and doing things and doing fun things and doing good for others, it's just such a game changer. Speaker 1: (01:05)Like relationships are seriously a huge key to healing and to just living an amazing life. So maybe we'll talk about that next week, but for now today, I have gotten this question from multiple people in different ways. It's been said in different ways, but how do you accept that the narcissists are the way they are? How do you, you know, 'cause it's hard. You're like, you don't get it because you're not that way. So it's, it's awful because they're awful, but it's even more awful because we can't even understand how on earth someone could be like that or treat people like that when we're finally like seeing it for what it is, or on the other side, right? Just the thought of how they treat us or other people can give us that visceral reaction. I've been there and it boils your blood. And then they can set you off if you still have to have them in your life. Even if you're like, I know I don't want them. I, let's say you're divorced or they're a family member, but you feel like you can't fully disconnect whatever it is, you still have to have that connection. So you have to see them or hear from them, at least here and there. That visceral reaction when they say or do certain things, will haunt you. So we're gonna talk about some tips that I've done in my own personal life in dealing with this stuff and hopefully can help you. Speaker 1: (02:28)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy.(02:51). I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (03:25)Alright, so let's dive in. Accepting that narcissists are the way they are, can be challenging. 'cause again, it's awful, especially if you've had personal experiences with them, which is why you guys are here. So here's some steps to help you navigate the process. Number one, and this helped me in a big way, is educating yourself. So that's what you're doing here. I definitely talk about why narcissists are the way they are or why they do certain things, right? Those are, in some of my episodes, you can dig you. I mean, there's a whole plethora. You can go on TikTok, you can go on Google, you can listen to podcasts, you can read books, right? Just make sure it's from a credible source. But understanding the psychological roots and the traits associated with them can give you a little more insight into first just why they do what they do, right? Speaker 1: (04:14)Because if you just know a narcissist is a certain way, it's like, that's awful. Why would anyone be that way? So you dig into the why's, and if you work with me one-on-one, we can go even further into that. So it depends, you know, people talk to me about all sorts of things, and that is sometimes we really delve into that because it is important that you understand. Number two, recognizing you cannot change them. Let's say that one again. You cannot change a narcissist. You have to accept, you cannot change their behavior or personality. I mean, this should go for most people. I don't wanna change anybody. I don't want to be in a relationship where I really have to change someone. Yes, you might have compromising whatever, but I wanna throw that as a general rule. Let's not try to change people or be changed, right? Speaker 1: (05:00)And narcissists, yes, it'd be great if they changed because they're generally awful. So I'd just letting you know that's not possible. It is not possible. So narcissists typically have deeply ingrained patterns of this thinking of this behavior. That is it. It's just they're set in their way so much, it's so deeply ingrained. They have themselves convinced of all the things we see. Even if we see like a touch of good or good times, that's either a mask or they're in a very vulnerable moment, which is very rare, and they will not stay in that moment for long. I've experienced that. And that's when we can kind of get our heartstrings pulled or, or like pulled back in. Usually it is actually very manipulative and it's calculated on their end if they are seemingly good and have that mask on, right? So they have a tendency to lack empathy, okay? Speaker 1: (05:53)That's not something they have inside of them and self-awareness. So if they're not self-aware, they're not going to change. That's why narcissists are one of the most least likely people that suffer from mental disorder to actually change because the lack of self-awareness and the lack of empathy, right? They're very disconnected. So it's extremely hard to try to get them to change. I would say I, I, I can't, don't quote me on this, but I'd say it's like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0. I could get all the zeros 0.1% that they can change. Never even worth it to try to get to that. By the time you would get there, it probably wouldn't even happen. But if you did, you'd be 95 and there goes your life. Okay? We don't have time for that. Number three, setting realistic expectations. So adjusting your expectations when interacting with them. You could use the gray rock method for this. Speaker 1: (06:51)Please go search. I will try to remember to link the gray rock method, uh, episode I have, but recognizing that their behavior might not align with the typical social norms and preparing for that. So the first part of this is preparing for that, preparing, knowing they're gonna be self-centered, they're gonna be an. Like we shouldn't be surprised at this point, guys. And what do you do? That's the little I'm adding in a little. What do you do with that? Is the gray rock method? Okay, they're manipulative. Expect all those things. Go and expecting it. Don't go in thinking, well, maybe they're gonna be nice today, they can wear a mask. Sure, but I wouldn't expect it. Never go in expecting it. Number four, establish your boundaries. So establishing and maintaining strong personal boundaries when dealing with narcissists is key. The only thing you can control is yourself and your boundaries. Speaker 1: (07:49)Like you cannot control these people no matter what you say or do. If you have like one minute of control because they're desperate to keep you or something. It's, it's a very short window where they will even wear that mask. They can only do it for so long. So you have to set your boundaries, limit your exposure to them. I mean, if you know me, I'm gonna remind you my number one advice with a narcissist is do not be involved with a narcissist. Period per, if you have to, you need to limit any exposure to them. That is not necessary. That means if you are co-parenting, yes, you're going to have to talk to them at some point. I would document everything, keep it on email, or you can get those apps where you can share it with your, um, attorneys. So they're watching everything that they say. Speaker 1: (08:38)You have to, I think both sign off on that in your paperwork, but limiting your conversations and communications with them and really keeping it very low engagement is so important. That will protect you from the emotional harm. Again, if you have to have contact, there's that gray rock method. Number five, don't take it personally. Guess what? This is never about you. And this is what so many of my clients come in feeling. What did I do wrong? Wrong? Why did this person pick me? Sure, you may have traits that you're a loving, awesome, amazing person, which drew them in, but that's not a fault and that's not something we want to change about you, right? So understand their behavior is not a reflection of your worth or your value. Their actions are honestly driven by their own insecurities. And if you've been studying narcissism or a little more now, you know that. Speaker 1: (09:38)But a lot of people don't think that. A lot of people think narcissists are very confident, no deep, deep down in their black hole of a soul. . If they are highly insecure and they need validation, and that means they need control. And what are narcissists always looking for control or trying to get control back, right? They're, they're checking in, do I have control? If not, how can I get it back? So always remember those things, but do not take it personally. It's never, ever, ever, ever about you. They're gonna behave like to anyone that they get as their closest victim in their relationships. I mean, trust me, if you are involved with the narcissist, you've seen the side and they can put on a great fake face out in society and in their community and they maybe they're charismatic and loved by all, anyone who spends an a good amount of time with them will see that they are. Speaker 1: (10:32)Okay? It's not you honey, it ain't you. Number six, of course, this is the hard one. This is like what we're kind of talking about, managing your emotions. So you actually have to practice emotional self-regulation when you are interacting with them. So they do these attempts to provoke you, right? They want a reaction. Knowing that was part of half my battle. It's like, wait, now I know they actually are looking for a reaction because they want control. They wanna know they're on top. So that almost emboldened me more to be like, mm-hmm. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. No, I'm not. So that really did help me to maintain my composure, right? And just, I would count in my head sometimes. I'd like, all right, breathe. He wants control. What are we gonna do? We're not gonna give it to him. We are not gonna give him the satisfaction and it's not gonna be good for me. Speaker 1: (11:23)Because the more you react, the faster that ball of hell just spins, right? And then there's the more engagement. You're taking the bait. What do I always say? Don't take the bait. 'cause the second you take that bait, you get wrapped in that rapid fire hell that that they control. And then you're out of control. So you have to say, do I wanna let this person gain control of me or I, or do I wanna keep my together? Take some breaths. And we've done a lot of episodes here on yoga, meditation, talking about all that. So go binge to find out about the nervous system regulation. There's episodes specifically on that. Um, but managing your emotions during the conversations, it takes practice. But I highly recommend it. Again, if you can have little to no contact, that's the best. Number seven, seeking support. I always talk about this 'cause it's so important. Speaker 1: (12:19)I could not have been where I am without it. So find a therapist who has been through narcissistic abuse themselves. If not, here I am. Here I am. I'm with you. Unfortunately, I've gone through it. I've gone through it and oh, my life is so much better. And this is why I do what I do, because I want people who have gone through this abuse, people who are going through this, that get that visceral reaction that just want to finally gain peace. Gain peace. I want you to have that joy and that freedom and that peace. So if you're ready for that, look in the show notes. Sign up with me for a one-on-one sesh, and let's do this because without help, it is very hard. I'm just gonna be honest with you. It is, it's very difficult. So whether that's a therapist, me talking to friends and family obviously helps, but unless someone's been through it and they're on the other side, it's just not going to get you that much further in your journey. Speaker 1: (13:15)So are you ready? That is the question you have to ask yourself, right? Are you ready? You might have to change your life a little bit. I was right at that point. I'm like, I do. I will do anything to get rid of these feelings and have peace and joy, like give it to me. So I signed up, I did a uh, therapist, and then I worked with a life coach, and I did a lot of my own work. And now I'll be honest, I know I'm a better support than even my therapist was Nothing against her. She was great. So she was great. But what I know and what I've been through is so much more, and I'm either even further along than she is in her journey. And I know that for a fact. Again, it's nothing. We're all on our own timeline, right? Speaker 1: (13:58)But, so I know how helpful I can be in someone's journey and how much I can accelerate your journey. So yes, go, go sign up for that fi first call. Number eight, practice empathy. This one, it's tricky, right? We're talking about all this stuff and like, oh wait, but I, I'm supposed to empathize. I will say this though. This does not mean you have to forgive and forget and have a relationship with this person. Having empathy for me looks like this. I pray for this person. One specifically in my life. I pray for them. I pray that they find peace and healing. I understand their brain was not created in the same way. I don't understand it all. Is it chemical? Is it environmental? Is it both? Maybe all of the above, right? That to me, it's sad. I have empathy for it. It doesn't matter enough for me to say, Hey, that's okay. Speaker 1: (14:52)Well, and give it an excuse. That's not it. You can empathize and say, that really sucks. This person has to live like this every day of their lives. I feel horrible for this person. I do. I look at their life and I'm like, man, what an awful life to live like this every day. To the point, you're that miserable with yourself. You're that in need for validation and control. It's sad. It is sad to watch. It's not my though. So don't be fooled. I'm not going to let that person take advantage of me. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with that person. I do have empathy and I do pray for them. So you can practice your version of empathy if that might help you, right? It doesn't excuse it again, but sometimes it can help you see them as a more complex individual with their own struggles. Speaker 1: (15:40)You know me Number nine is self-care. Self-care. Self-care. Girl queen, queen bee. You have to prioritize your own wellbeing. So engage in activities that bring you joy. Practice mindfulness. You know, I'm all about that yoga, that yin yoga, especially meditation, things that slow you down where you might be uncomfortable at first, but bust through it. It's worth it. Trust me. Exercising and anything honestly that like brings you joy. It's simple singing. Like take a class. I'm gonna start back up actually with voice lessons again, I love to sing and I haven't been practicing as much, so I'm like, Ooh, I really wanna do something again. Like I need, I need another class, but I'm gonna probably join a gym this year. I do different things for exercise and movement, whatever. I'm gonna join a gym. They have a bunch of classes, they have a swimming pool. Speaker 1: (16:36)So excited for that. I'm like, I'm gonna do something else. So I'm gonna do sing voice lessons again too. I love singing. What do you love to do? Do a class, get, get in front of other people. Connect. I'm telling you again, connection relationships are so, so important. And just having support in your life in general and when you've been through abuse, surrounding yourself with loving amazing people is that it's so freaking healing. It's, it's awesome. Number 10, like I said, consider limiting the contact. How do we do that to actually get there? It's more than this episode can take us. So if you work one-on-one with me, we dive deeper into all of these things. I talk about. We, there's a lot of the touching on, oh, what do you do? But like we go deeper into the how. How do we actually do these things, right? Speaker 1: (17:27)That is the stuff that takes some more time. It takes a one-on-one coaching. So if you are ready, if you are ready to get peace in your life and stop feeling how you're feeling, go sign up. Link is in the show notes as always. Let's do that first call and break through and at least get that first stepping stone into your amazing future, future, future. All right? I'm still on vacation. Crazy mode. All right, you guys, thank you so much for listening. Please leave a review if you have not and you're on Apple. Go ahead and leave a review and make me so happy and would help. It will help my podcast get to more people and we wanna help everybody we can. So do that. Sign up for a one-on-one session with me and I will see you in the next step.

Ep 45 | The Reason Your Nervous System is Always in Overdrive After Narcissistic Abuse

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This week, let's talk about The Reason Your Nervous System is Always in Overdrive After Narcissistic Abuse
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still She Thrivesa with Christy. Okay, today's episode is going to be pretty short, but it's gonna be important. It is important, and it's something I just want to share with you guys because it might seem simple, but it's something that I didn't really get till it just kind of clicked one day of like, this makes sense. So stay tuned to hear the reason that your nervous system is always in overdrive. If you've been through narcissistic abuse, Speaker 2: (00:34)Hey Speaker 1: (00:34)Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:32)Okay? So like I said, I've always felt like even after I have cut the narcissist out of my life, I still felt tense. I still felt stressed out, overwhelmed. Like just that my nervous system was so, so out of balance. And I'm like, well, I'm out of the situation. Was there a lot of peace that came from that? Yes, but it felt like this underlying thing and I was like, maybe I was just like born with anxiety, right? Like all these things came through my head. And then as I started to learn more about narcissism myself and go further in my journey, I realized, okay, so even though your body knows when you've left a certain situation, you're out of an abusive situation, toxic situation, whatever you wanna call it, you know you have peace, you can feel a difference. But if you are like me and all of my clients, even after you are out of the situation, you can still feel on edge. Speaker 1: (02:26)You still have this underlying stress, you question yourself. There's all sorts of things that when your body is not in alignment and is dysregulated, when your nervous system has been blown like that, it can totally shift things around in many ways. The thing is, when you're outta the situation, your body has an imprint. Your mind has an imprint, and it doesn't necessarily know that you are safe. It might have an idea you're out of this situation on a surface level, but there is this deep imprint of not feeling safe, even though there's knowledge of it, it's almost like it's stuck in that fear as well of it could come back, right? And, and we have those thoughts even on a more surface level where, oh, I might not trust again or this might happen again, right? Because our bodies are stuck there. So we are stuck in the trauma of our relationship, whether that be romantic, whether it be family, relationships, friendships, whatever it is, our mind, body, and spirit can all be still stuck there in many ways. Speaker 1: (03:37)When I understood that, like I really understood, I am stuck back there, even though I'm here, it helped me get clarity and kind of more motivation to like, okay, I need to dig into all of these three areas of my life, right? The body, I need to do some work on my body. I started doing the yoga, the meditation, right? The mind, we do therapy, talk therapy, affirmations, all, there's all sorts of therapies we can get into, right? And then the mind, the body and the spirit, right? So that for me, that that's some God stuff. Whatever sort of spiritual work. If you're a universe person, a god person, I don't, I don't care who it is, I don't care who your higher power is, it helps to have one. If you don't have one, dismiss this part, it's fine. Um, most important is that whatever parts of your body have been affected, you need to help each and every one of those. Speaker 1: (04:37)Are they related and entangled to a degree? So they affect each other? Yes. But I've noticed I really had to do specific work in each quote section of myself. If you have been following me, you know, I have a lot of episodes on how to help the healing process or start, sorry, start the healing process, right? How to start with the yin yoga with the meditation. And I give you ideas, but I can't say everything. I try to get give you guys as much information as I can, but if you truly want to get the best results and you want the accountability that helps with that, for me, that's what I love. I have a coach now. I had a therapist before. Um, I love to have accountability. It just, it helps me a lot. Most people do better with accountability. So if you're that person, this may be the time. Speaker 1: (05:30)Like if you are feeling dysregulated, if you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, burnt out, tired, questioning yourself, your confidence is. You're wondering if you'll ever be able to feel happy again. Or maybe you never really have felt happy, but you see other people and you want that peace is the goal for us, right? Like, that is my word. And I, I feel like that goes for all of my clients at some point have said, I want peace. And that is what I help you get. I help you gain the tools, keep the accountability, and really do the work in a fun way. This doesn't have to be dark and hard and scary. Are there gonna be moments? It's like, oh, okay. Like, yes, you have to sacrifice a little time, but if you, if you are telling me you wanna prioritize your piece, then you have to prioritize it. Speaker 1: (06:22)That means you have to spend some time on it, right? You can't just take a magic pill. Maybe you can take a, um, pill that masks it, it a little, but then you're also maybe numbing other parts of yourself. I'm not saying I'm anti-medication, I'm just saying doing this work with all of my clients has been epic and I've had multiple clients get off medication after working with me. I'm not saying that's a promise, I'm just saying I, I just see the results. And when you are working with me, we are going to go into all three areas of your life that are dysregulated. Odds are it's all three, and we're going to make it a fun process of healing. So if you're interested, I want you to sign up for my journey to peace Call. We go in, we dive deep, I give a lot. Speaker 1: (07:13)I love you guys. I want you to feel better and find peace and freedom. That's my jam. And I want you to be able to feel like I feel now. It's amazing on the side, and I know how it feels to be on the other side. And that's why I do this, because I want you to grab my hand and say, yes, I am ready. So are you ready to prioritize your piece? Are you just sick of this? If you are, go into my podcast notes, click on that link. Maybe you've been hearing this a couple times and you're like, I don't know. Oh, it's summer, whatever. Go ahead. Sign up for the first call and then we can go from there and really dive in and make your life amazing. Imagine how that would feel if you could feel regulated, if you could feel calmer, if you could have more confidence, more trust in yourself, more trust in other people, or trust in the fact that you can find amazing people to surround yourself with, that you end up knowing that you're a good role model for your kid if you have children. Speaker 1: (08:18)There's so many things that you are probably missing in your life, and life is short. And I, it kills me to watch people put off this healing, put off this journey 'cause it's so worth it. And I make it fun. It's fun. Ask any of my clients. We have fun. Um, so I do, I care about you guys. I want you to heal if you are ready. I want people who are ready, not like half-assed. I want the people that are like, I'm ready to do this. I wanna heal. And I know that I can get peace. I just, I just need help knowing how to get there. And maybe the accountability as well is hard for you. So that's what I'm here for. I'm so excited. I want to help you on your journey. So go click that link and sign up for your first one-on-one call with me. Let's do this.
 

Ep 44 5 Ways to Deal with Self-Doubt and Identity Confusion After Narcissistic Abuse

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This week, let's talk about 5 Ways to Deal with Self-Doubt and Identity Confusion After Narcissistic Abuse
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we're talking about the last part of this series, how narcissistic abuse affects your psychological wellbeing. And there's a lot. There's been a lot. This series has gone on and it is the last one. We're ending with a bang here talking about dealing with self doubt, doubt, , and identity confusion. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:28)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:26)All right? We're gonna talk about that identity confusion, the self-doubt. We know if you have been a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you can have a lot of self-doubt. Shame, we've touched on that. And the identity confusion is real. What does that mean? Well, this means you start to may not even recognize yourself in a relationship, right? Who you are, your values, your beliefs, even your own thoughts and memories can get foggy. You can feel like you're crazy because of the gaslighting that narcissists have done to you. It can make you question everything. Your self-esteem can plummet. There's a whole lot that goes on with your identity and who you are when you are in a narcissistic relationship. This does not have to be just romantic. This can be a sibling, a parent, it can be someone you're, you know, co-parenting with an ex. This can be a friendship. Speaker 1: (02:22)This can be the mailman if you're real close to him, okay? That'd be a little weird if you're that close with your mailman. But hey, he brings some good. All right, so let's dive in to talk about what can you do to deal with this stuff. If you are suffering from feeling like you don't even know who you are anymore, you come out of a relationship and you're like, now what? Who am I? I don't even know what I want and don't want. I don't know which direction to go. Help. I get this question a lot as a coach, a lot of people come to me and that is the first thing. They're like, okay, what? Now I'm out of this situation or I'm getting out of it and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm starting over and I'm scared I'm damaged, I'm scared. Speaker 1: (03:04)I don't know who I am. I don't know how to find that person. So let's touch on it. We're not gonna touch on it. Actually, we're gonna go kind of deep 'cause we're gonna talk about five ways. Number one, self-reflection and introspection. You do have to reflect in order to figure out who you are now, who you became, all that stuff. Because sometimes when you're in a relationship, especially if you're living with the person, it's like you're just trying to make it through. You're just trying to make it through the abuse and walk on those eggshells to make you. Don't make sure you don't rattle the cart, all of that. So when you finally get out or you're getting out, this is the time to start to reflect on what has changed. Start to ask yourself questions like, what did change during this time? Who was I before? Speaker 1: (03:55)If there was a before? Because sometimes, look, if we have a narcissistic parent, there was never a before. So you have to then think, okay, what didn't feel good when I was, you know, in this situation, what were some beliefs that just went against my grain? But I went along with how did I, people please questions like this can direct you to figuring out more and more like who you are and what you do believe and what your, your, you know, value system is. What you want to do. You can say, what are my strengths and weaknesses? What do I value in life? That's a huge one to me. We often think about, well, what do I wanna be? Or what do I think I should be? And for me, every day I wake up and part of my prayer in the morning is, God, please help me find joy and peace today. Speaker 1: (04:47)Those are my two words. I like to have feeling goals. Sure I have some goals for my business and this and that, but really I want to feel peace, especially after going through abuse. We need peace. We need to feel free. So how can we find that peace? What makes you feel peaceful? Ask those questions. If you, if you have a feeling goal, like you wanna feel happy or you wanna feel at peace, well, how do you, everyone's different too. Like for me, I wanna sit and stare at a palm tree. I, I literally made my living room look like it's, I don't know, out of Florida. It's got the palm trees. I got more flowers recently. The artwork is very tropical, tropical colors. Um, in my kitchen I have these long curtains that look almost like tropical vines. The pattern I am all about that beach tropical vibe makes me feel very peaceful. Speaker 1: (05:48)So I incorporate it in my home decor. So that's just an example of, you know, you can bring in certain things that bring you peace, but just showing everyone's different. You might love winter, right? I'm talking about seasons here, but it could be anything. You may love the color, like maybe the color aqua for me, this is true. Bring brings you peace. It brings me peace. Aqua reminds me of like water and the beach and whatever. So I love the color aqua. I surround myself with it. So start digging like what makes you feel whatever feeling goal you wanna feel. So first we'll start with just one this week and you can add to it next week. But this week's homework and I want you to email me, what is your feeling goal? What do you wanna feel? Do you wanna feel peace? You wanna feel happy? Speaker 1: (06:34)You wanna feel excited about life? Maybe you're not there. Maybe you just wanna feel not scared. Maybe you just wanna feel that like contentment, right? There is no wrong answer. So figure out what do I just wanna feel? And from there, and you can write me that fierce mamay at Gmail. My email's always in the show notes, so email me your feeling goal and if you wanna go further, you can explore that. How, how can I get there? What brings me that feeling? And you can either save that for your own little journal or you can share that with me as well. 'cause I love, I love hearing this stuff. So start the reflection process. Number two, obviously support is great. We've talked about that a trillion times almost on every episode about how important support is. This can be your friends, family members, but someone who you trust, right? Speaker 1: (07:32)Not, not the people who you have to walk on eggshells around. Not the people you're just like, I don't know if they're on my side or not. It's a mutual friend of your narcissist. Nah, I'm talking about someone. If you have them who you feel very close and safe with and they always look out for you, that is who you would open up to to seek support from. And talk about these feelings of self-doubt, identity. You could ask them questions like, what do you think my strengths are? You know, to kind of direct you into exploring something that will bring you this quote, new identity, the u two point i that I talk about, right? But sometimes an outside perspective besides someone you know, such as a therapist, a coach like me, someone who is familiar with narcissism is important, can help you see yourself in a different light. Speaker 1: (08:27)I always say the favorite part of my job is when I see that moment, that shift where my clients go from feeling like crap about themselves, lower confidence, not really sure who they are, scared to take the next step when they shift into like seeing them how I see them. And even just starting to see that, I can see that shift. And that is literally why I do this, because I get choked up every freaking time it happens when I see the confidence coming back or maybe they never had the confidence and they're like, oh my gosh, I actually love myself. I, I feel good about myself. Or I know I wanna take this next step and do this. Like, you know, examples, one of my clients started her own business, like a fashion business, right? Another one went back to school. It goes on and on. Speaker 1: (09:22)And seeing that shift, believing in themselves and getting excited about their journey after going through abuse is, it's just so amazing to watch. So I just love that. So that is something that is important. If you want support and have a co someone to coach you through that, I am here. Check out my, um, options to work with me also in the show notes. But I, I just love taking people through that journey. And it's, it's just such a huge shift when you feel like, oh, I actually am seeing myself more clearly. Now I'm getting clarity and I'm feeling amazing. And it is possible for you. That being said, number three, set realistic goals, right? And how we do this is having a bigger goal and breaking it down. I say sparkle by sparkle, right? Break down that larger goal into smaller, achievable steps because our confidence has been knocked down, right? Speaker 1: (10:23)With abuse. So if we are like, yeah, I wanna make a million dollars by the end of this week. I mean, I know that's extreme, but just giving an example and then we don't get there. That can kind of beat up our self-confidence again, right? So we don't want that for you. So we can say a bigger goal. Let's say you want to, um, become a nurse. You decided, oh, I have this and that and I'm great with people and I've always thought about it, but my ex-husband wouldn't let me work or whatever it is. Let's say you're like, yeah, I wanna go be a nurse. That's a large goal. So break it down this week. What can we do sparkle by sparkle? Just what's the first step you can do to take that? Okay? Look at five different, you know, programs and explore them. Speaker 1: (11:05)Call, call one program this week, whatever it is, whatever you think you can handle that week. And then, you know, it's just step by step, sparkle by sparkle. So having realistic goals and then also celebrating those small successes. So at the end of the week saying like, look at me, I move forward and this is what I do with my clients. I walk them through going sparkle by sparkle. And it's so great every week to be like, they get excited to tell me, yes, I talked to this person, I did this and, and there's this excitement and accountability. So it's again, an amazing experience. But I do say it's bite by bite. Like don't just reach and try to swallow the whole thing. 'cause then you can let yourself down, which can lead to the opposite effect that we want, right? We wanna build that self-esteem. Speaker 1: (11:56)Number four, challenge those negative thoughts. So when you are experienced self-doubt specifically, you might have negative thoughts about yourself or your capabilities. This is where that work comes in. The affirmations that turning things around the talk therapy I do with my clients, right? To counteract those negative thoughts. 'cause we don't have time for 'em. Uhuh, we are trying to be us 2.0 and get that new identity and feel good about ourselves. So we don't have the space for these negative ask thoughts. . So consider the alternative to the negative. And we've talked about this, where you're writing more positive perspectives, you're switching, you know, if there's a certain negative thought pattern you have of, let's see, oh, I I, I can't do that. I'm too old to switch careers. I'm too old to switch careers. Uh, right? That comes in your brain, you start writing down the opposite, right? Speaker 1: (12:50)And you, you go find, I, this is what I do. I go find examples. If I have a negative thought pattern, I try to counteract it with finding real life proof that it is not true. So that's a perfect example. I thought I have had this thought myself when I changed careers actually into coaching. I'm like, well, am I too old to change? Maybe I should just go back. I worked into the television production business and I was like, oh, maybe I should just, you know, stick with television, blah, blah, blah. And then I said, you know, I, I knew I sounded negative and I've always been working on improving and growing. So I was like, all right, I know for a fact there's people out there, even celebrities that started what they're doing late in life. So I googled it and oh my gosh, the amount of celebrities alone that started and changed careers or whatever later in life. Speaker 1: (13:42)It's crazy. And then also my mom, that next week or something, she was telling me about someone who was in her master's program. My mom actually was a good example. She went back to school late in life. Um, but there was someone in her master's, I think it was her, no, it was her undergrad, but she was, you know, older, but they were, I mean like 78 years old, something like that, near 80 years old. And how amazing is that? They were going back to school to do something different. And that just, you look for proof, you can find it. There's always gonna be a story of someone doing something that they wanna do, they've decided to do at any age. And that to me is amazing. So you can do the cognitive behavior techniques with therapists. People like me, you can keep a journal, right, of tracking, like if you're having negative thoughts, writing them and then switching them around. Speaker 1: (14:40)And then of course, I'm big on the affirmations. Like every morning, every night have a set of affirmations. You say that back up what you want to feel and what you want to to believe, and you say it as I am, instead of I wanna believe I can. It's like, no, I am capable. I can change careers at 48 years old, or whatever it is. Okay? So that can help you reframe the negative thoughts. Number five, try new experiences. Yay. I love this one. Not everybody is comfortable doing new things outside their comfort zone, especially if you've just gotten out of a situation. But I'm telling you, pushing yourself does help you kind of push past this cage of self-doubt, this cage of feeling like you don't know who you are. You're gonna try the new things and figure out what you like and don't like and listen to your body. Speaker 1: (15:38)That should have been an extra one. Bonus number six, listen to your body. But we'll get there. So engage in activities or hobbies that interest you but you may have not tried before. New experiences can help you discover the aspects of you that you weren't really aware of. So it can provide opportunities to meet new people. I, I have definitely gained friendships through going to different classes. I do art classes, I've done photography classes. I took guitar. I sucked. But it was fun. I actually signed up for six months, so I had to commit to six months. Still did it. Learned a few notes. Played a little Jimi Hendrix. That was fun. It wasn't my jam. Did photography. Took a couple classes, met some really cool people, like-minded people, artsy creatives, right? So explore, like, this world has so many different things you can do and you just explore and that helps you figure out who you are. Speaker 1: (16:36)If you don't try, you're never gonna know. And that little bonus number six that popped in there, don't forget to listen to your body. Listen to your body. I'm serious. Your body will speak to if you get quiet. That's why I am big on meditation and prayer. You get quiet, you empty your head a little bit, shake it out and listen. You will get more and more in touch with your intuition. You will trust yourself more and you'll be like, yeah, I really like this, or I don't, or something just doesn't feel a hundred percent sometimes. I like the saying, if it ain't a hell yes, it's a hell no. Is that true with everything? No. Do I wanna like cook every single night? No. So, but you know what I'm saying, with certain situations where you do have more choices, . 'cause we do have to feed ourselves, and maybe we don't have the money to have a chef or go out out to a restaurant every night. Speaker 1: (17:33)But let's say things like you meet a specific person or you go and try a new activity and you're like, I mean, I kind of like it. Do I continue? I mean, we can really feel unsure of ourselves after abuse. We, if we were codependent, which most of us us are after narcissistic abuse, you can become codependent. You are really starting to think like other people like you may be so codependent that you're taking on what they like to do, or they're telling you what you like to do or should like to do, right? So this is the time to get in touch with your intuition and by, by getting in touch with your body and listening and being still. And when you feel that stress, when it feels like your shoulders go up or your jaw clench is that's your body saying like, this ain't in sis, this is not it. Speaker 1: (18:25)So listen to your body. All right. So all that being said, hopefully those were helpful. Let me know if you want to email me if you're mama C at Gmail, which is the most helpful to you? Or what do you think you might struggle with? I can give you a little feedback. But remember, it's okay to experience these moments of self-doubt and uncertainty. Okay? That is going to happen. So I want you to give yourself grace. They're a natural part of growth and development. And if you've gone through abuse, then it's, it's gonna definitely be in there. So we're working through that process. So be patient with yourself. Give yourself time and space to explore who the you 2.0 is and what makes you unique. And that's beautiful. It's like so amazing to overcome codependency and realize how amazing you are and that you don't need someone else to be amazing or feel amazing. So with persistence, a little self-compassion, you can overcome self-doubt and gain a stronger sense of yourself. That 2.0 you so love you guys. Let's do a couple affirmations before we leave. All right? Hands on heart, unless you're driving. Take a breath, relax it out, repeat after me, okay? Speaker 1: (19:46)I am amazing as I am. I don't need anyone else to be amazing. I am growing and getting better every day. All righty. And know why, because you are a Speaker 2: (20:11)Queen. Speaker 1: (20:12)Alright, I will see you in the next episode. Have a lovely day night, and don't forget to check out my show notes and chat me up and email if you want.

Ep 43 | 3 Tips to Help You Recover From Social Isolation After Narcissistic Abuse

Top 3% in podcasts globally
This week, let's talk about 3 Tips to Help You Recover From Social Isolation After Narcissistic Abuse
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Mentioned episodes:
https://ChristyJade.podbean.com/e/ep-20-filling-the-friendship-cup-after-narcissistic-abuse/
https://ChristyJade.podbean.com/e/ep-19-finding-true-friendship-as-an-adult/
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Wanna work with me 1:1? I have ONE spot left open for August!
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
https://christyjade.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
After abuse we need SIMPLE. Grab the best planner ever, here! https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
Want to start your day off feeling amazing?!My EPIC 4 MINUTE empowering meditation is yours, free!
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Join my free facebook group here:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Let's connect on social media!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)What's up party people? This week we are still on the series talking about psychological effects from narcissistic abuse. We're working through this. We are almost to the end of this series. So also chime in, message me, email me, let me know what topics you want me to cover. You can always check my show notes and my email address, which is fierce mama c gmail is there. So you can write me and be like, Hey, I want you to talk about this. I have a little list going, so add to it. All right, so today we are going to dive into social isolation. It's a big one. Narcissists do this to their victims. They socially isolate them, which actually has an effect. So let's talk about it. Speaker 1: (00:49)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:46)So if you've been following me, you know that there are tons of effects from narcissistic abuse and they can be psychological and this sucks and we hate it. So we're gonna talk about how to undo it, reverse it, slip or down. Reverse it. Name that tune. Um, so this week we are talking about social isolation. So if you were not familiar with this, narcissists will isolate you socially. There's all sorts of things they do, but this is what we're talking about today, specifically social isolation, where they will try to isolate you from your family, from your friends, and they can do it subtly. They can do it slowly. They can do it in a way where they will turn you against people who actually love and care for you. And they start to mess with your mind trying to convince you that those people are not good for you or don't want the best for you and they're just protecting you. Speaker 1: (02:41)It's a whole gross ucky, yicky, all those key words. Okay? So today we are gonna talk about three ways you can help heal and work on that social isolation effect. Because when you've been in that relationship, especially if you've been in it for a long time, you may have lost friends, you may have lost family, you may have forgotten how to be social because you've been so codependent on your narcissist. So we don't want that anymore. We are gonna flip it into you 2.0 and we are going to gain back that confidence, that social relaxation where you feel better going into friendships. We actually have, I have some podcast episodes on friendships I can link and just in general kind of undoing what has happened, even if you never, maybe you grew up under the thumb of a narcissist. So you were always dependent on a parent or a sibling and you'd never develop those skills. Speaker 1: (03:43)Some of these things will help you with that as well. So let's dive in. Number one, seeking support from understanding individuals. So this is where, let's say before your narcissistic situation, you had friends, you had family, you had people that were close to you. Maybe you feel awkward now trying to get back to them. I'm telling you a lot of the times if you go in with love and you just say, look, I have gone through a lot and I miss you and I don't know how to get this back, but I really am asking for you. And you could even say forgiveness. People feel can feel slighted when you've cut them out of your life because of a narcissist. They can view it as you rejected them, when really we know how it all works. Like you are just this puppet of this narcissist at times, right? Speaker 1: (04:39)Like you're not even making your own decisions half the time, but their perspective may be different. So you can say, you know, I'm sorry about the situation. I'm realizing now what I've gone through and part of me healing and working through this is trying to reach out, apologize, and hopefully mend some of the relationships that I have lost in my life. Now, this is something me and my one-on-one clients work on. Um, because it can get kind of specific and you might need customized coaching. So if you want just like a one-off call to figure out how to have a conversation with a specific person, look at my show notes. And there there are power calls we can do the, um, journey to peace call. That is if you just want like one call, bing bang, let's figure the strategy out. That's a perfect way. Speaker 1: (05:32)Or if you wanna see, if you wanna do ongoing coaching with me, it's a great way to test it out. So go into my show notes if you're looking for some support in this. Anyway, so this could be also support group. So if you don't have those friends or family already, or you don't have past friends or family, maybe you just didn't have great relationships your entire life. There are support groups comprised of people who have experienced similar situations to you. And you can find this maybe locally, there's codependency anonymous, which if you've been isolated, you're probably codependent. Sorry, spoiler alert. So there are, I believe there's in-person, and I know there's online classes for codependency. Um, you can look on Facebook or whatever other social media platforms that have groups. I don't know them all. I usually use Facebook for things like that. But there are are all also, you know, domestic violence or abuse related groups that have local chapters. Speaker 1: (06:35)So you can do some Googling, thank God for Google and try to find something specific. If you want my help to find a group, please reach out. Email me. I love researching and helping with this stuff. So, um, cause I know some people get very overwhelmed, especially when you've been through abuse. I get it. It's also overwhelming sometimes we don't know where to start. So for me, it's, it's an easy thing I can help you with. All right, number two, rebuilding those social connections gradually. So, like I said, you know, reaching out might be hard, but try give yourself a little push. Say, coach Christy said it's okay. Believe in me. Do some affirmations around that. But gradually reconnecting with the people who were part of your social circle before. The abuse is something that I think is really good. If they were healthy people, of course you wanna evaluate, are these people good for me? Speaker 1: (07:28)Were they good to me back then before I got into this situation, did, was it people who were checking in and trying and really wanting to nurture a relationship with you? Those are the type of people that you want in your life. So reach out to those people who have showed understanding and caring or if, if you don't have those people, pay attention when you're out and about. Find a reason to just chat someone up at the grocery store. Dang, girl, look at that shiny apple. I don't know. Put yourself out there a little bit and see if you can build relationships and grow some trusting relationships that you deserve. Again, there are some more tips on that in my friendship based episodes, I will link. Um, but consider participating in group activities, hobby clubs, volunteering, those type of things. They might be like the, the sharing tips on apples in the grocery store. Speaker 1: (08:28)Okay, no, but joining those type of things where you have similar interests and it's a place that people are kind of expected to meet each other. That is a place you can start finding new relationships. Doesn't mean you have to be BFFs, but just being able to build that little social muscle again is a great thing. Number three, of course, we're not gonna get away from this episode with a little self-care chat. Yes, focusing on your self-care and your personal development, which you're doing. If you're listening to this podcast, good job. You've got a good start. Can help restore your emotional wellbeing and build that resilience up again. Like taking care of yourself after you have been isolated is very, very important. As important as the social aspect of actually meeting people. Take care of you. Take care of yourself. Build that confidence. Do those affirmations, all that energy moving work like I do the yoga. Speaker 1: (09:26)If you wanna do a reiki session with me, look in the show notes for that. Um, anything that will help your mind, body, and soul get back. Rebalanced is very, very crucial to this healing process and it helps everything together, right? It's like a well-oiled machine working together where you have yes, building your own confidence, which can in turn attract better people into your life that you can trust and build relationships with. So maybe you don't feel confident enough to even join one of those classes, one of those hobby clubs, activity type things, right? Maybe you don't feel comfortable enough. So once you start doing this self-care and self-confidence building, you will start to get more and more confident, have more assertiveness, and you can then say, mm, uh, I'm, I'm getting there, boo boo. I was calling myself boo boo. And then you can be like, let's go do this. Speaker 1: (10:25)Let's go rock out. Meet some people and trust again. It's hard. I get it, I've been there. But you know what? You really miss out when you don't push yourself a little bit, you know, nothing too crazy. But sometimes we need to stretch a little outside of our comfort zone. And what will help with that is building that self-confidence. So as you grow and develop in these ways, your confidence and sense of self will increase. Making it easier to reconnect with new people or even getting back to those old friendships that you had before the abuse started. Remember healing from abuse takes time. But be patient with yourself, have grace. Seek professional help if needed. Come jump into my show notes. There's plenty of ways to work with me. If you're just like, I wanna customize package, here's what I can afford. Help me out, email me. Speaker 1: (11:21)We'll figure something out. I love to help and I'm going to help you if you need help in some way. So hit me up, queen, hit me up. I will tailor something to your specific needs and we are going to get you back to good feeling, good, peace, freedom, all that jazz, all hands to heart. It's that time, let me say not if you're driving, nobody needs you not holding that wheel unless you're in a Tesla. Okay? Ah, so today's theme was getting back from isolation, right? Dealing with social isolation after the abuse. So hands to heart, you repeat after me. I am deserving of community, okay? I am an amazing human and deserve amazing people in my life. And finally, I do not blame myself for the isolation I went through because I'm a queen. Yes, there it is. All right, love you guys. See you in the next episode. Have a beautiful day or night, wherever you are, whenever you are. Dos and smooches.