NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Why Narcissists Text You Out of Nowhere (And How to Shut It Down)

Your phone dings. It’s the narcissist.“Emergency.”“Call me now.”“Why are you ignoring me?”
These out-of-nowhere texts aren’t random — they’re tactics to pull you back into chaos.
In this episode, Christy shares:🔥 Why narcissists drop “urgent” messages📱 The most common manipulations (fake emergencies, guilt trips, drama bombs)🚪 How to shut it down without losing your peace
✨ Resources + Ways to Work With Me
👑 Free Boundaries Pocket GuideGrab your quick-start guide to boundaries that actually stick → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250
💬 1:1 Coaching with ChristyReady for personal guidance and deeper healing?
Single Session: Reclaiming You Power Call → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
Monthly Package → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
3-Month Transformational Coaching → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
Email me with questions: fiercemamac@gmail.com
🎧 Free Private Support Facebook GroupCome join the community and connect with other women who get it → https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
💻 Self-Paced Empowered Boundaries Course10 modules, scripts, meditations + lifetime access → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
Grey Rock Method Episode:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
TRANSCRIP
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christy wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:01)Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie. This is your guide to reclaiming peace, protecting your sex ass power and thriving, not just surviving after narcissistic abuse. And today we're going to talk about one of the sneakiest and most triggering tactics. Narcissists love to use. I've been through it myself. The random out of nowhere texts, if you're co-parenting, you've lived this probably a hundred times. If you're not, you may still deal with it. Pretty sure you have the Hoover text. These little attempts are sometimes big to reel you back in. But either way, the goal for them is the same, to control you, to control your focus and hijack your emotions. So why do they do this? Why? It's mind blowing Because we don't think like them. So it's very hard for us to understand why would someone do this? The lengths they will go and the things they will do, it's not cool.
(02:10)So let's break down the psychology first. Narcissists crave what? Control. That's our biggest thing I talk about all the time, right? I should drink every time I hear myself say the word control on this podcast and supply. So they want control and they want supply, right? Feeding their ego, feeding, grabbing your energy, whatever. So when you've created this distance, that loss of control burns them. So they're burning up the fact that you've created a distance in the first place. We kind of know that the random texting is a way to test. Can I still get her attention? Even if it's bad attention, can I still spark that reaction? Right? So it's never about the communication. It's not really about whatever they're asking you or egging you to respond to. It's about power and intrusion, intrusion on your mind, intrusion on your soul in whatever way they can.
(03:21)Okay? So think about it. Healthy people don't send a three word emergency text at 9:00 PM at 10:00 PM, 11, whatever. That's manipulation. It's not communication. A healthy person would say, Hey, I'm at the hospital with Mindy. Such and such happened. You may want to get over here, or whatever the thing is, right? Looks a little different than the narcissist who dangles what we call a carrot. So you are forced them to react and respond, okay? So that's why. What are the tactics they use? So here are the classics I see over and over. Number one, fake emergencies. Good example. Call me now. Something's wrong with the kids. They'll even pull them into it. But even just call me now by itself. Call me now. I need you to talk. I need you to answer or pick up the phone. I need you to pick up the phone.
(04:26)It's important. It's an emergency. This urgent, urgent way of speaking. And nine times out of 10, it's something minor. So they could say something, it has to do with the kids. And then you call and it's like, oh, their homework was late, right? Something. They'll find anything they have to bait you. Number two, the drama drops. Just you won't believe what happened. You don't believe what just happened to me or not even to me. You just won't believe what just happened. They're baiting you into a spiral. They know that's going to get your curiosity peaked. And even though they're trying to control that curiosity, that satisfy their need for that supply, and in their mind they're like, oh, she, he on this podcast. It's she usually, but she cares still because she's curious. When I put something out there, she wants to know because I must matter to her somewhat.
(05:32)And even if I don't, I still have control of her. It's so gross. Alright, number three, guilt trips disguised as urgency. So example, I don't know why you're ignoring me. This is important. They'll be like, oh, all I want to do is just share this information with you. I'm just trying to help you out. Right? Whatever. It's guilt, it's manipulation, mixed with urgency. The translation of that is I want control. It's not about resolution. So learning these things will help you. Okay? And number four, the Hoover check-ins. Hoover, right? That's the vacuum. If you don't know about hoovering, think I have an episode somewhere. I'll try to remember to link below the, Hey, just thinking about you, or I was just reminiscing about the old days. My husband actually has an ex who would hoover over text messages. Oh, I was just thinking about this thing we did together or this item I got.
(06:47)It's designed to stir up nostalgia and suck you back in. They know what they're doing, guys, right? Every single one of these things is about knocking you off your feet so they can grab you, pick you up and stuff 'em inside to feed their supply and let them feel control. So that's all lovely. Let's get how to shut it down. So this is the part where you get to put on your crown, shine it up, and take that power back. Alright? Number one, first things first, guys, don't do shit until you pause, pause, pause, pause. Before you reply, if you even have to reply, can we first please talk about, I know if you're co-parenting, you feel like you have to reply. I hope by now, if you've been listening to my podcast, there are options to deal with certain apps. And that way it's like you can even, I believe, have your attorney on there if you have an attorney, right? Like a third party. But apps are a great way. You keep it very emotionless to the point. Don't take their bait and it is documented. So sometimes they'll be on better behavior because it's being documented like that on an app and they're more aware of it. So it helps. Sometimes they don't give a shit because they're narcissists and rules don't always apply to them in their heads.
(08:24)But either way, you have it documented. So if you do need to go to court, if you do need to prove something, you've got everything there and it's all in one spot. I love those apps. So anyway, pause before you reply. If my whole point is if you have to reply, if it's something not related to your child or something that is truly you feel like you need to respond to, don't reply. Your first reaction is usually the one they're fishing for. They know how to get under your skin and you're going to grow. You're going to get out of that space where you feel like that even initially. But you might be, I'm thinking if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably in the space where you might still get triggered. They know how to trigger you. They know you will get triggered. They've seen it before. You fall prey to it in the past so they know they can get you, okay, but not if you practice pausing, breathing. Okay, wait. Number two, fact check ask, is this truly urgent? Is this truly urgent?
(09:38)If it's not about the kid's safety or a true emergency, it can wait. If they bait you and they say it's about the kids. As a parent, I get it. We need to say, what is it? If they say, oh, the doggy ate or homework or whatever trash they're trying to trick you with, you stop responding. Don't feed them. Don't say, see, why would you do that? Don't get worked up. Don't react. Just don't respond. The more gray rocking you do with these people, the better. I have Gray Rock episodes too, okay? Gray Rock Method is great for this type of behavior. Number three, respond but don't react. There's a difference. I'm going to say that again. Respond. Don't react. There is a difference. So keep it short, neutral business-like gray Rock all over the place. Gray rock basically means what it says, right? You're a gray rock.
(10:28)You're blending in, you're just neutral. You're just there. Example, noted, I'll address this when I'm able or if oh, homework was eaten. You can say, noted. You literally don't give them anything. Don't show emotion. Don't go into questions. Why would you send this? Why are you acting like it's an emergent? Nope. Don't give them anything. Don't explain. Don't justify next. You start doing this, it's going to be great. And the last one, boundaries with tech, right? Silence. Notifications. This is hard. Again, especially if you're co-parenting, it's about your kids. You're not going to silence your notifications unless if you have your kids with you. But I understand when the ex is taking care of your children, yes, we want those notifications on, you can use apps or tools to keep those co-parenting communications in one place. Like I said, and remember, you decide when and how you engage.
(11:40)Obviously we know there's certain things, like I said, those emergencies. But in general, you can do this to yourself. I mean the drama, you're part of the chaos. If you are giving them back chaos, if you are escalating, if you are getting triggered, I get it. We're going to get triggered. Go let it out somewhere else. Go scream into a pillow, go do some kickboxing. Go run around the neighborhood. Don't give it to them, okay? Don't give it to them. So you could also do a mindset reset, right? The truth is a text is just pixels on a screen. It can't jump up inside your body and hijack your piece unless what you let it. And I know that's easier said than done. I get that part. I do. But thinking about that's starting to chip away to the point where you can actually take that control back where you can actually feel like, you know what? I'm not going to let this person just type words to me. They're going to take over my whole freaking nervous system. We're not going to do it anymore. Okay? I'm not saying it might not be overnight, but start having that mindset, right?
(12:57)Really zoom out. And when you start to feel that panic rise, do the pausing. Remind yourself this is a tactic. I'm not required to participate. Say it. This is a tactic I am not required to participate. And those of you co-parenting, your kids need a mom who is calm and steady. You are the freaking lifeboat. Is that the word? Why is that sound weird? Lifeboat. I guess I haven't said that word in a while. Not the one reacting to every ding from the narcissist, right? These kids, let's be honest, they got it sucky already that they've got a parent who's a narcissist. It's not your fault, okay? We're not taking blame, but it is what it is. So yes, you do need to be the bigger person because we know the narc isn't. So you need to be the level-headed one, and you deserve a life where your peace is the default.
(14:01)It's not just about these kids that helps us do things. That's great motivation because a lot of us do not self care very well after abuse, during abuse, but you do deserve peace. I know you want it. Peace is sexy. I'm going to make a T-shirt line. Peace is sexy. So the next time that phone lights up out of nowhere, I want you to remember, you are in control of your responses, your time, your energy. You can't control what they're doing or not doing or sending or not sending or how they're saying it. And why don't give them any more of your energy and time like that unless it's an emergency and you get the facts, you figure it out, solve the problem.
(14:54)And if you need more help setting boundaries and have not gotten my free boundaries pocket guide. I mean, how cute does that even sound? Cute little boundaries. I will put it in the show notes. There is the link and how to work with me. If you're like, I want to be the baddest boundary bitch out there and I want to feel calm and I want to feel safe, and I want my kids to have a better life. I'm ready to fucking transform. Then look at the ways to work with me. That's where the true magic happens. I'm biased. Yeah, because I'm awesome. I will link that too. But you've got this. Okay, you got it. You're a queen. Keep shining and sparkling anytime. You know what? Let's do this. Anytime you get a text from this narc, unless it's an emergency or something very urgent, you have to respond to, I want you to pick up your hand, flick it like you are throwing sparkle all over that shit.
(15:56)And instead of it being negative, you're going to override it with your damn sparkle. Okay? All right. I think that sounds great. I'm going to start doing that with everybody. I've been on the phone too much. Just, you know how you know, I don't know if you guys talk on the phone or not. I am a phone talker with my best friends, but sometimes I get drained. It's just too much for me, and I'm in that mode. I go through levels where I'm like, I don't want to be anywhere near a phone and then I'm back to normal. I'm in a phase right now where I want to just not, so I'm going to start throwing sparkles at my phone. Imaginary sparkles or maybe real ones. All right, well, I will see you in the next episode. Don't forget, Thursday we are going to have a related Thrive in five episode.
(16:43)It's a much shorter episode usually. Basically doing some sort of somatic healing, visual meditation, breath work, all the things. So we will do one related to this. We'll do a special little one related to when you get text. So you don't want to miss that. So, oh, sorry, my thing got all messed up. My recorder. So you have to follow this. If you're not following my podcast, please take 30 seconds, follow it. It also helps my algorithm. So help me help you help spread all this fun to all the women of the world. And what was the other thing?
(17:28)Yes. Oh yeah, that's all. You just have to follow it. That's it. You just got to follow. So you get the notifications and of course share. If you know someone going through this shit like you are, share, share, share sharing is caring. We want this whole ness needs to just uhuh. They need to be pounded into the holes of the ground and hidden forever. But since that's not maybe going to happen, we at least know how to navigate them so they can't get away with all the bullshit they get away with. The more you shine the light on these people, the harder it is going to be for all of them to survive in this world. So I'm here for watching us, win us, shine our crowns and them stick in their own little sticky ass nasty spider web of crap, right? So they can text us from there. And we're going to throw some glitter on it. All right, see you the next one.

Quick Trauma Bond DISCONNECTION

Episode Description (Show Notes):
Feeling the urge to text, check their social, or replay old memories? That’s not love, Queen—that’s the trauma bond talking. In this quick Thrive in 5, Christy shares a 3-minute reset you can use any time those cravings hit so you can calm your body, clear your mind, and take back your power.
Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket GuideWant to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral?Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse.Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250
Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing?Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything.Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:
Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake SessionBook here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1-Month Private Coaching ContainerApply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
3-Month Transformational Coaching PackageLearn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
Related Episodes You’ll Love:
Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Helphttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120
Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practicehttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155
 Follow Christy on Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are you feeling the urge to text, check their social or replay old memories of yours? That's not love queen. That is trauma bonding. It is that trauma bond talking to you in this quick Thrive in five. It's going to be very quick today. I share a three minute reset. You can use anytime those cravings hit so you can calm your body, clear your mind, and take back your sexy ass power. Alright? So this is going to be a short, powerful pause in your week to reset your nervous system, protect that peace bubble. It's looking good on you, by the way, and keep you moving forward in this healing journey. So if you've ever felt that pull to check their social or just one more time, read an old text. That's not love, right? It's not that aeration and good feelings. It can feel desperate, it can feel sad.
(00:59)All these icky feelings because that's not really love. That's the trauma bond. And Tuesday, I talked all about it. If you have not listened to Tuesday's episode, it is all about this. So definitely listen to this and then I will go back. Or maybe you want to go back and listen to that first. Either way, make sure you find that episode. And the truth about it is your brain is hooked on those little tiny dopamine hits. Again, I talk all about the dopamine on Tuesday's episode, but it can be love bombing and relief after the chaos. It is an up and down cycle, right? So the trick is to break that loop before your brain convinces you to go back.
(01:44)So we're going to do a three minute reset for when the urge hits. Okay? So first we're going to name it out. Say this, right? When you get that urge, you go, this is a trauma bond. Not love, not my soulmate. This is just a bond I'm breaking. So naming it takes away some of its power, especially if you say it out loud. I am so big on saying shit out loud Queens. Number two, ground your body feet flat on the floor. Okay? You look around, this is kind of an orientation thing. You look around, name three blue things. Pick any color that you see. You could take it a step further depending how long you want it to be with sense or textures, feeling whatever you need to do. But you can quickly do three blue things, right? It brings your body back to the present where you are safe.
(02:50)You need a bubble. Number three, breathe to reset your nervous system. So you could do a halo breath in through the nose for four seconds, hold it for four, exhale for six. You're adding on an extra two seconds to really release to get everything out and all that nasty, gross opposite of dopamine. Crusty ass drama, bonding. We're going to release it in that exhale, right? You do this three times. Inhale four, hold for four, exhale six. If you want to pick five for all three to make it easier, it's fine. There's no right or wrong in this. Okay? So you could do inhale five, hold for five. Exhale for five, okay? Feel your shoulders drop, your chest loosen, and your mind clear. By the time you finish, that craving will feel smaller and you feel like the strong ass queen that you are. And if you want it to get even better, do it twice.
(03:51)Name the thing again. Ground your body. Do the breath work. Do it as much as you want to. The more you do it, the better you feel. That sounds like, do you remember that song? The More You? Oh, that was like, the more you fart. Oh my gosh, I'm like a 16-year-old boy. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat Your Beans with Every Meal. Do you guys remember that weird song? Where'd that come from? I'm a 1980 baby. So some of you in that era may remember. Alright? So just remember, every time you choose you over that toxic pull, you are rewiring your brain for that freedom. That peace. Okay? So save this episode and the next time the urge hits, if you need a little guidance here, just play it. Or if you can remember these three things, write 'em down on a Post-it note, put it on your mirror.
(04:42)And also you can grab My Free Boundaries Pocket guide. Yes, I love boundaries. It's one of my favorite words. I have a Free Boundaries pocket guide, and that is in the show notes always. Or if you want to go deeper transformational shit, like who the hell are you? You Queen. At the end of working with me, look at the options to work with me. We have this intro call, but if you know, just want to jump into transformation and you're like, I already know. I love you, queen. Thank you, thank you. We can do a month long or we can do what a lot of my clients do because they want to really do the work. And that's the three month I'm showing up for myself, and I'm going to come out in three months and not recognize myself in the best of ways. So all the links are in the show notes. You got this. And give yourself a hug for showing up for yourself today. All right, see you in the next step.

Breaking the Trauma Bond: What Keeps You Hooked (And How to Finally Break Free)

Breaking the Trauma Bond: What Keeps You Hooked (And How to Finally Break Free)
Episode Description (Show Notes):
You left… but you still feel hooked.You blocked them… but you still think about them.You know they were toxic… so why does part of you miss them?
Welcome to the trauma bond.
In this episode, Christy breaks down:What a trauma bond really isWhy you feel addicted to someone who hurt you
The exact steps to finally unhook and come back to YOU
If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or obsessed after narcissistic abuse—this is your wake-up call (and your soft place to land). 💕
Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket Guide
Want to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral?Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse.Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250
Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing?
Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything.Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:
Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake SessionThis 90-minute session is for the woman who’s serious about healing and wants to explore working together in a deeper way. It’s not designed as a one-off quick fix—but rather a powerful first step for those considering the monthly or 3-month coaching containers. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure which path to take next, this session is for you.Book here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1-Month Private Coaching ContainerIncludes weekly coaching, somatic tools, and in-between support to help you regulate, reset, and start rebuilding trust with yourself.Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
3-Month Transformational Coaching PackageThis is the most supportive and spacious container I offer. We’ll dive deep into emotional healing, nervous system support, boundary work, and personal empowerment so you can rise fully in your peace and power.Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
 Related Episodes You’ll Love:
Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Helphttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120
Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practicehttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155
Stay Connected:
email: fiercemamac@gmail.com
Follow Christy on Instagram →
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So you block them, you want no contact, whatever it is, they're toxic. So why does part of you still miss them or just obsess over them? Why do you feel guilty or worse even tempted to go back? I've been getting some messages lately with listeners who really are trying to stay away and out of the life and not take the bait, but it is hard for them. So let's go into it. If you've ever felt like you're addicted to the narcissist, this episode is for you. We're talking about the trauma bond, what it is, why it's so hard to break, and how to finally unhook and come back to you because you're the queen, right?
(00:46)Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:44)Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast where we were clean that peace, protect our power, and rebuild self-trust after narcissistic abuse. I'm Christy Jade, and today we are going deep into something most survivors wrestle with. I'd probably say all of them, even after they leave it is the trauma bond. That soul tie feeling, the obsessive loop that goes round and round in your mind, that craving for someone you know is harmful. And we can get shame about this, right? Kick that shit to the curb. We don't have time for your shame. Alright? So you're not crazy. You are trauma bonded and we're going to talk about it. So what is a trauma bond? It is a psychological and physiological attachment. These are real things, okay? Science that forms through repeated cycles of abuse and the intermittent reinforcement. So basically they hurt you.
(02:49)They love bomb you, so you feel relief, right? Then what do they do? They pull away again. It's like, yo-yo, right? And your nervous system actually does become addicted to this cycle. The ups and downs, it becomes attached to it. It's the cycle. It's familiar, and you want that relief, right? Even after they hurt you, you're waiting, okay, well, I'm just holding onto that high. So kind of like a slot machine. You don't really know what you're going to get each day. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time they're going to love you, right? They're going to treat you right? You're going to change them. Maybe this is all stuff I've heard about in my own life, of course, and then heard from you guys and working with clients. So the more unpredictable the behavior, the stronger bond.
(03:48)That's why narcissists are masters at trauma bonding you so signs that you're still hooked even after going no contact or low contact. These trauma bonds can still linger. So here's some signs to know if you are still bonded, you miss them more than you want to admit. You might keep it on the dl. You fantasize them about them changing. Maybe even after you are broken up completely could be after you're divorced, these things happen, right? You doubt yourself or feel guilty for leaving. You have those moments. Maybe it's not all the time you feel anxious, empty or depressed without them. And again, this can be one or all of these. You don't have to necessarily feel all of these, but these are different versions. You minimize what they did. Oh, it wasn't that bad, right? Or look, we had good times though, right? That's minimizing the bad too.
(04:51)Or you feel pulled to contact them even when you know it's basically self-sabotage. You still have that pull. This isn't weakness. And I know we can feel weak when we're in this, I get it, but it's a physiological, psychological and emotional loop. And until you interrupt it, it's going to keep looping. So why is it so hard to break? We're going to break down why you're still hooked. Even when your logical mind, you know that guy, there's like on the left shoulder, his logic says run. There is brain chemistry involved in this. So take a sigh of relief, maybe hug yourself. Like, Hey, this is actually a real condition in my brain.
(05:39)So give yourself grace, please. So each high you got after a discard or mistreatment abuse, the hoover, the love bomb. That's the cycle. Discard Hoover love bomb released dopamine. You literally became chemically addicted to those tiny hits of validation and relief. And it's a cycle of knowing, oh, well, you know the pattern. You've been around this person long enough to know what the pattern is. So that can look like, oh, there's this abuse. I know what comes after it. That dopamine hit, it's going to feel better after. So I'm going to stick around for that dopamine. Okay?
(06:26)Also, you attach during crisis. So that's another reason you are hooked, right? So you brain bonded during trauma. This is a primal survival strategy. Primal. It says stay close to danger so you can control it. And this is a big one in my past. Predict it. You feel like, okay, at least I know I can predict what's going to happen. Spoiler, you cannot control it, but your brain keeps trying. It wants to, which makes sense. And then there's the low self-worth equals an easier hook. So another reason it's hard to break when someone makes you feel like only they can love you the way they love you. Or maybe you're not worthy of love, right? These abusers often will make you feel like shit, knock you down, crush any confidence you have so they can have control over you and hook you more, right? It can tap into your childhood wounds, unmet needs you had, whether it was childhood are grown and fears, just even based on fears that you can lower your self-worth. They become your source of value. Really, you're dependent on them in those dopamine hits and those love bombs to feel valuable. So when they pull away, you panic because your sense of self, which is not from this point on, that's not going to be our sense of self anymore. We're going to do this work, but because that sense of self is tied to them. So how do you break free? That's all Great. Christie, how do you break free?
(08:13)Let's flip the script here, Rick. Rick, here's how you start cutting the cord for real. First, label it as trauma bond. Naming it really out loud. Say it out loud. I'm a big advocate of saying shit out loud. Name it. This is trauma bond. It is not love. It is not a soulmate. It is a trauma bond. Say it. This is a trauma bond. Go ahead, queen. And then we're going to rename it from love toon. So that is going to reframe it in your mind and you might have to repeat that. You can repeat as much as you want. Put it on a beautiful old sticky note on your mirror. Number two, here we are my favorite going no contact. I know it's not as easy as it is for some as others, and some situations are hard to do. Do that in obviously co-parenting littles, but as limited as possible.
(09:17)Okay? So that's blocking on socials. Even if you just check their page or you're not following them necessarily, no, every exposure is another dopamine hit. Okay? Think about it. I want you to suck that up. Why do you check their socials? It's actually a dopamine hit. It's reinforcing your cycle of what the shitty shit and the dopamine hit. We want to get rid of the cycle. Cold Turkey is hard, but it is clean. We love a good clean break and it works faster than the slow trying to pull away from that dopamine ripping off the bandaid. And by the way, if you need help doing this and support, that's what I'm here for. So check out the ways to work with me in my show notes always there and my emails there. If you have any questions about what I think you need, you can always email me too.
(10:14)Alright. Number three, flood your nervous system with safety. We can't think our way out of this. This is a body thing. This is where the somatic work comes in. And I do somatic work with most of my clients. We need to feel safe in our bodies. That's where all of the somatic energy healing comes. So this, and it's like, oh, somatic. We're not going to get crazy going into somatic healing today. I'm going to give you a few examples of what you can do. Getting a walk in nature, grounding with your bare feet. Yes, go hippie on me. Okay, orienting practice. I think I've talked about this one, but you're looking around, you're naming what you see often. I will tell myself, prompt myself, okay, find four aqua things in the room. Aqua is a little harder than red, right? So I like a little challenge or find four different patterns.
(11:10)Find what are two smells I can smell? What are three sounds? I can hear the birds chirping, right? The air filter that's blowing the TV two rooms away. It makes you present. Breath work, even cold water. I don't mess with cold water. I don't care. I don't care how much work I need. I'm never doing the cold water plunge. Okay? But you do, you boo boo. So you calm your body, you clear your mind. And yes, those might be momentary, but hey, they all add up. If you want to do deeper work, hit me up. Number four, rewire the belief that you need them. Let's say it for the people in the back, in the way, way back, rewire the belief that you need them. Start affirming. Have you heard of affirmations? Yeah. Love shouldn't hurt.
(12:04)And maybe save this episode or write these down. You can repeat 'em. Love shouldn't hurt. I don't chase chaos. I choose peace. And this one, okay, I was taught conditioned that this was love. It is not. And I get to learn a new way, the real way, by the way. So you're not just detoxing from them. I'm going to repeat this. I really feel this in my heart that you need to hear it. You're not just detoxing from them. You're detoxing from the belief that love equals pain. Okay? You're so used to that. It was just part of the bargain, part of the deal. No, no ma'am.
(13:04)So detox from that belief, and you can keep those affirmations so you don't really miss them. I know it feels like that. You miss the illusion, the validation, the love bombing, the dopamine, the feeling special when they would put you in those moments. And the good news is you can give yourself everything you were chasing in them. Do you know that? Work with me, queen. You're going to be a confident as queen. Upgrade. We're upgrading our confidence here. If this episode hit home, go share it. Is there someone else who could use this that that's feeling hooked? Okay, save it. Let's normalize this part of the healing journey, because shame has no seat at our table or our throne, whatever you want to call it. If you want more help unwinding trauma from your nervous system, let's grab your intake call and start our journey.
(14:11)The intake call, it's about an hour and a half, an hour to an hour and a half, depending how far we go in your story. It's really me getting a background. We usually have time to do a little somatic exercise together, and then that sets you up and sets me up with the information so that we can start our really deep work together, like lasting work. And I say that because Somatic Healing was a life changer for me. I did therapy for years. I love therapy. I love all the shit, but the somatic healing, and I do both. We do a little therapy, but we also, we really focus on feeling better and safe in the body too, right? Because the body remembers everything. That's where it sits. That's where we upset. Stomach, stress, shoulders, all these symptoms that we get can be so related to our nervous system being so jacked up from all the years of dealing with this crap, right?
(15:18)Yeah. We work on the brain stuff too, the mind stuff. How to deal with the narcs in your life if you're still involved with them at all that. But we do both so that you can have a complete healing and really a healing that not just the foundation, but then afterwards you actually get to thrive, right? You're getting this, I almost picture it like a, what's it? A vault? You've run what? Jump on that vault and then you're limitless. You might feel like that's not even attainable right now. So I won't go too deep into that. I know it can feel far away, but I'm telling you, I've been there. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I am an amazing peace bubble in my life. I'm unshakeable. I know my truth. I don't take the bait of any freaking narcissist anymore.
(16:16)I have way more confidence and self-trust. Even more important than confidence is my self trust. You can get there. If I can get there, you can get there. Okay? So if you're interested in doing this work, one-on-one links are in the show notes or email me. Alright? Felt some passion up in here, but you are not alone. You're not broken. You're finally freeing yourself, right? This was a trauma bond and we're taking the scissors and we're cutting them, by the way. Ooh. I also want you to go in the show notes. There's also an energetic cord cutting episode I have. I think I actually have two of 'em. There's a longer one and a Thrive in five. If you don't know, I do thrive in fives on Thursdays. They're five minutes around. Five minutes. I'm chatty. So maybe 10 somatic healing exercises every single Thursday to get that hands-on ship. Okay? So I'll put those two episodes in the show notes as well. All right, see you in the next step. Love you. Bye.

How to Calm Your Body After Ending a Narcissistic Friendship

Leaving a narcissistic friend can leave your nervous system on edge—even if your mind knows you made the right call.
In this Thrive in Five, I’ll walk you through a quick somatic tool to:✨ Ground yourself in the moment✨ Release tension + melt stress away✨ Remind your body it’s safe to choose peace
💜 Work With Me 1:1 – One Month: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/💜 Work With Me 1:1 – Three Months (with Voxer access): https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-three-months/💜 Free Boundaries Guide: https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Save this episode for the next time guilt, anxiety, or “pulled back in” feelings try to creep in—you’ll have your calm reset ready.
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a Breath Queen. This one's for you. Today's Thrive Thrivent five is exciting. I'm really excited about this. It's a somatic tool for leaving a narcissistic friend. You're like, why is that exciting? I wish I had known the somatic aspects of this when I had a narcissistic friend that I left because it can really do a number on you. So leaving a narcissistic friend can be more challenging than you might expect. Your body feels the loss before your brain fully processes it, and the body remembers as we know. But today, I'm going to give you a quick somatic tool that you can use anytime that guilt or anxiety, whatever the ick feelings start creeping in. So the first step is grounding your body. So you can sit or stand with both feet flat on the floor and you feel the weight of your body pressing down. You're concentrating on that weight like roots growing into the earth. You're feeling them really weighing down, melting into the surface below them. The second step is orient to safety. So this is slowly turning your head to the right, slowly turning your head to the left. If you want to look up, down, just really slowly looking around being aware of your surroundings.
(01:50)And when you've done that, you can name three things you see in the room or whatever space you're in, that feel either neutral or pleasant, right? So let me look around. I have this sparkly bag I just love, so I'm going to say rainbow sparkly bag, and it gives me a little lift, right? I'm going to look, Ooh, coral nail polish. Yes, queen. Love that color gives me big old joy. What else do I have in? I have my crown because I'm a queen. There's my crown, right? So orient to safety and you're noting things. This takes, it's like a distraction tactic in a way, but also you're uplifting yourself by looking for things that are at least neutral, if not positive things that bring you joy. Step three, soften those shoulders and your jaw, right? Narcissistic friendships can keep you in tension mode if you didn't notice, and it's time to detent ourselves.
(02:58)So you exhale, do the inhale when you exhale, it's that exhaling drop, right? When we do our breath work, inhale, when you exhale, you let everything just kind of, I don't know. Today's theme is melting. Let's just melt everything, okay? And unc unclenching the jaw. You can even have the slack jaw where you might look real dumb, but nobody's watching right now. Okay, you're fine, you're good. Number four, self anchor with touch. So you could place a hand over your heart and the other over your belly. That's a very common yoga slash meditation stance, right? Keeping it there and feeling the warmth of your hands, the weight of your hands, letting them melt into your body. And this is not just comforting, but it's also you showing up for yourself, which when we've gone through narcissistic abuse, the self-trust can dissipate, right? So I'm like, yeah, I'm here. I'm here, queen, I'm here for you. I'm here for you self. I'm okay. And step five, repeat your permission phrase so you can tailor this to what you want, but I'll give an example and you can say it in your head or out loud. I'm a big fan of talking to myself out loud. I feel like it just imprints more. But you could keep your hands to heart. Whatever feels good. I am safe to choose peace, and I do not need to carry guilt for protecting myself.
(04:46)Say it with your queen attitude. I am safe to choose peace. I do not need to carry guilt for protecting myself. When we say it out loud too, sometimes it helps us see how ridiculous that is. Why do I feel guilty for protecting myself? No, ma'am. Not in this house. No. All right. So those are five steps. Ground your body, orient to safety. Soften everything, melt it down. Self anchor with touch, and then repeat your permission phrase. I'm saying repeat it because you're supposed to say it more than once. Affirmations don't. Affirmations by now, if you do it for 21 days, you'll become a unicorn jumping over rainbows. It's true. So every time you feel pulled back into that friendship out of guilt or just habit even, right? You're used to this, give your body this reset. So save this episode. Somatic tools are not just for panic times either.
(05:53)So whenever you feel like reclaiming your power, you could do this every morning. You could do this before bed, right? Any affirmations, any empowering stuff like this, you guys build it into your routine. Do it when you brush your teeth, you're already doing something there anyway. Just think it, because if you say it while you try to brush your teeth, it might come out like, I fish I carry. I go, no, that's a little crazy. But I guess we're a little crazy in here. Anyway. So in all seriousness, this is reclaiming your power, reminding yourself in your body, in your bones that it is safe to walk away our bodies. We've been conditioned to feel unsafe through the narcissist, and we're not here for that anymore. We're going to condition ourselves to be safe. Okay? So if you want to do deeper work, you can sign up for one month or three months of transformational, not just mindset work and talk therapy, but we're also doing the somatic body work because that combination is explosive.
(07:01)If you have not listened to my rant about it in the last episode, go listen, you will learn more about it. But this is epic fascinating work. And if you want a true transformation, that's what you got to do. You have to put in the time and invest in yourself. And if you can't, that's okay. We have free shit like these podcasts. We have a free downloadable guide for boundaries, a little boundary setting guide. So I will link that free Facebook group. And if you want to truly customize your journey and a year from now say, holy hell, what just happened in a good way? Go click on the link to work one-on-one with me. There's two options, and for the three month, you actually have Voxer access in between our calls. These are once a week calls, and with the three month you get it's epic, okay?
(07:59)You get Voxer access, which is a walkie-talkie app that I check at least every 48 hours, usually every 24, and we'll get back to you if you're just needing anything in between our calls. So that's a very popular choice for clients right now. These clients are ready to not just know how to navigate with the narcissist, that mindset stuff and all of that, how to deal this and how to do that. All the podcast stuff, there's some of that out there on the podcast. We can go deeper with the mindset work, but really they're ready for that body work too. To say, I want to recalibrate my body, my nervous system so that whatever comes at me, no matter what, I not just know what to say and do, but my body's here for it, and I will go in calm. I'm not going to get all of that stuff, all the anxiety, the swirling thoughts that is going to decrease monumentally. Okay? So if you're ready for that, I told you where I told you, it's in the show notes every time, all day, every day. So go sign up for either one month or three months and we will have a journey that will change your entire life. You're already a queen. You're going to be a queen with two crowns. Yeah, that's what happens at the end of it, you get two Crown Queen. Alright, I'll see you in the next episode. Have a beautiful weekend. Bye.
(11:54)That's your Thrive in Five Queen. Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your piece like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment, and check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.
 

How to Spot and Leave a Narcissist Friend ( Without the Guilt )

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Empowered Boundaries Coursehttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
🎧 Related Episodes You’ll Love:The Grey Rock Method: How to Deal With a Narcissisthttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
Finding True Friendship as an Adulthttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-19-finding-true-friendship-as-an-adult/id1662241353?i=1000608356800
Filling Your Friendship Cup After Narcissistic Abusehttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-20-filling-your-friendship-cup-after-narcissistic-abuse/id1662241353?i=1000608950715
---------------------------TRANSCRIPT-------------------------------
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:00)Friendships feel safe, or at least they should, right? They're supposed to be the soft place to land, but when your friend is a narcissist, that soft place can turn into a minefield. It's confusing because there's no romance, no shared bills, no legal ties. I mean, sometimes there can be shared bills if you're living with them, but in general, it's not as enmeshed as a romantic partner or lifelong partner that you're married to. So you think, shouldn't it be easier to leave? But not always. You've got shared history, the inside jokes, mutual friends is a big one, and narcissists love to weaponize all of that to keep you stuck, right? We talk about that sticky spider web. They keep you in. They're really good at keeping you in the sticky web. So let's talk first how to spot a narcissist friend. So there aren't just friends.
(02:04)These aren't friends with bad days or just quirks, right? These are patterns. You're looking for patterns. So what kind of patterns? One, it's always about them. Even your big moments, they redirect the spotlight somehow back to them, right? Another one. Number two, one sided emotional labor. So maybe you are their therapist, their cheerleader, their 3:00 AM crisis hotline, but maybe they're not as there for you. Maybe when you're reaching out, they nowhere to be found, right? That's a big no. The other thing is subtle digs and jealousy. This is the third backhanded compliments, undermining your wins or straight up competing with you, right? Little jealous comments. Number four, boundary blindness. So they will blow up your phone till no one. They will say, oh, it's an emergency. Maybe when it's not really quite an emergency, they will ignore your no, or just show up uninvited because that's what they want to do.
(03:21)Even sometimes after they've asked you and you've said no, right? So they're not really good at boundaries. Alright? Number five, the guilt trip. Queen or king, if it's a guy, friend of yours, this one is huge, okay? The guilt tripping, and they may make it jokey, they may make it subtle, but if you cancel plans or you do set boundaries, set limits in your relationship, you are the bad friend. And I had this happen to me. I asked one of my friends to please stop yelling at me that we were grown adults and I wasn't going to tolerate that and it wasn't handled well. So when you set boundaries and they go like, no, this either. This is just how I am. Deal with it, which is a response I got, or even twisting it and deflecting and turning it onto you, or you're being sensitive or whatever.
(04:22)I'm not yelling. Look, bitch, I know what yelling is. Okay? All right. So why does it feel so hard to leave these relationships? It's not just the friendship. You are grieving when you are deciding to or going, no contact, cutting someone off, whatever you want to call it. It's this shared identity that you have, especially if this is someone you've been friends with for decades or new, just really got close quick. It's a newer friend, but you just felt like soul soulmates, which can happen with a narcissist because they can make you feel like the queen of prom, but then that's how they get you in, and then they chew you up and they spit you out, chew up, spit you out, chew you up, spit you out, right? So this person though, they know your past, they know your secrets, your deep feelings, any vulnerabilities you've shown, they know that, right?
(05:22)And narcissist specifically can build a false sense of sisterhood. So you feel like you owe them loyalty no matter what, even at your own expense, which is a no right? Loyalty. Look, I'm Italian. I love some good loyalty, right? But there's a line. So let's be real. Society tells us friendships should last forever, and when they don't, there's also that guilt you have, right? Because it's just like, oh, how great is it to have a friend your whole life or since you're 15, or even just when you first got married, whatever stage of life you're in, it feels great to have a friend like that. And it can also feel somewhat of a failure if you are breaking up a friendship, but it's not baby. The failure is keeping someone toxic around. So how do you leave without the guilt? These are some fun steps.
(06:20)We're going to do five steps. I love numbers. Step one, decide what you will and won't accept. My hell yes, hell no. List. Make your own for friendship qualities. What makes you feel good? I will go down through my best friends. My best friends, lift me up. I know my best friends are not judging me or not talking behind my back. I know my best friends give me, they meet me halfway. I could be having a bad day like anyone else. We all have our days and they'll meet me halfway. They might just say, oh, what's going on? Right? They're not going to just jump down my throat or something if I maybe do have to cancel plans. I'm just not. Look, my dad passed recently, right? I've canceled a plan because I just didn't have it in me to go out in the world, right?
(07:16)A good dear best friend should easily accept that and say, cool, is there anything you need? Whatever, right? Narcissists often will be like, oh, but you said you'd do this, and so they're still going to guilt trip you, so on your hell yes. It's lifting up. No guilt trips, making you feel good about yourself, trusting, knowing that they trust you. You can trust 'em. The hell knows there's a million hell nos. We can, I know more hell knows than I do. Hell yeses, hell nos. Definitely Guilt trips. Those are the biggest thing. Oh, they just kill me. The guilt trips, the oh punishing. That's a huge one. Do they punish you? I had a friend. Here's an example of being punished in a different way than you might think. We had plans to go to the, let's say apple orchard, whatever it was. At 10 in the morning, something happened where I asked, can we meet at 11?
(08:22)And it was something legit, I forget what it was, but there was some, not emergency, crazy emergent, but some that came up that was like, shit, can we just push it an hour? Neither one of us had plans the rest of the day. It was just us going and this person was known for doing things like this. If it wasn't exactly what they wanted, how they wanted, then there was punishment. The punishment was that she said to me, nevermind, I'm going to take my other friend. And I was basically uninvited because I asked if we could go hour later. So that's a form of punishment, okay? It's not cool. That's a big hell no other hell nos deflecting, turning things around on you when you're trying to address something with them. Overstepping boundaries. So get clear on your hell, yeses your hell. Noes are just, those are some examples.
(09:14)If you want to go deep, you want to do coaching, you want to transform your life, so you set up the best boundaries you can freaking imagine and know how to maintain them and not have the guilt and be unshakeable with your boundaries. Then go look at my show notes and sign up for ongoing coaching. That's all I'm doing now. We're not doing one-off calls anymore. People, we're doing big girl shit. So if you want to sign up, you do one month or you do three months. So get in there, okay? We're going to do big girl queen shit now. So you want to change, you want your life to freaking excel and feel joyful and peaceful and all that good. Let's talk. Go check it out. Alright, step two, set and communicate your boundary. This can be gradual, okay? This can be shorter calls not answering every time they call because you're scared because you're walking on eggshells because they're going to punish you if you don't answer.
(10:13)It's like if you don't answer their call once, they're not going to answer your call the next five times. This is the type of shit I'm talking about or direct. You can say, this friendship isn't healthy for me anymore. I once had to say to a person and we were friends for a very, very long time and I loved her. I still love her. I still care deeply about her, but I felt like there was a lot of these terms and conditions going on and unhealthy ways. And I did say to her, I love you so much. I feel like we could have a distant relationship and maybe we could hang out and grab coffee every few months, but I can't have you in my daily life because anytime I do, we end up at this place again and it's not healthy for either of us, right? Okay. Did she love that? Probably not. Did she say let's go get tacos? No, but that was okay. That was fine. I gave an option. So I'm very direct. I'm 45. I've been doing the boundary shit for years. I'm too direct probably, but it works for me. You find your comfort zone with boundaries, and I have a boundary course too. I tell you all how to fluff it up and do the things that I don't really do anymore because a lot of people are not where I'm at, and that's probably a good thing.
(11:40)And you don't owe them some Ted talk explaining every detail. That's where you're taking the bait. They want that. They want the chaos, they want the drama. You just make it very simple. You're talking with a narcissist. If you don't know the gray rock method, I have episodes on it. I'll link in the show notes, but just keep it simple. Keep it not emotional. If you want to fluff it up, absolutely, you can fluff it up a little and say, I love you so much. I've been really trying to navigate this and figure out how we can be friends and still have fun together. But you could say just a quick, if something specific happened and I'm just not feeling that it's healthy since then, or you can just say, it just isn't feeling like a healthy friendship for me and what I need and I'd like you to see your way the fuck out. No, you don't say that. It's just not healthy for me anymore. And that's that, right? If you want a better script, you know where to find me. Alright? Step three, expect pushback. If it's a narcissist, toxic, whatever, abuse person, toxic, throw 'em all in the bin and prepare.
(12:58)They could guilt trip you, gaslight you. If you dunno what that is, it's kind of like making you confused and believing things that aren't true. You're the crazy one. And you start to get all muffled up in your head, right? So they're gaslighting you, making you really think you're the crazy one, putting it like they do. They turn things around, right? Or and or rallying up mutual friends. This happens. They love a good smear campaign. If it's a true narcissist, they're going to smear you to whoever they can. Your own family, your own friends, whoever they know, they may say, oh my gosh, they'll twist a story of how this all went down. If you do say something direct, be prepared. They're going to be like, what a bitch. She said, that's why we do the work, the deeper work because we work on your nervous system.
(13:53)So that stuff doesn't bother you anymore. Your body says, guess what? I'm at peace over here. So I'm not really giving a fuck what this person is telling old Julie over there about how I send this. And if Julie is a good friend, she's not going to believe her. She's going to know the truth. That's my friend. That's the loyalty, right? So you got to do the deeper work too. These are tips, but you got to do the deeper work. So that's textbook narcissists, all of that stuff, right? So keep reminding yourself why you are leaving. Peace bubble. Peace bubble. I guess that's what you can take away from all this. Stay in your peace bubble. Remind yourself of the peace bubble. You're doing this. Protect your peace. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship with someone who is affecting your mental health.
(14:45)End of story. I don't care who the fuck they are or how long they've been around, they're passionate today. A lot of curses jumping out. Alright, step four, fill the space with healthier connections. This is so good. This is what I did when I have disconnected from people, it literally opens up space in your life for something healthier, something better, something that you may not even know existed. I have made friends that I'm like, where the freak did these unicorns come from? How magical unicorns just traipsing all around my life, just uplifting, cheerleaders, people that feel very safe. I never have to walk on eggshells. We don't have to walk on eggshells around. We get each other. We understand. We give each other grace. Those are the friends you want to leave room for in your life and schedule that time. If you know of those people and you don't spend that much time, spend more time with them.
(15:44)If not, join groups. I have episodes on friendships too, about how to make friends. I'm trying to think if that was this podcast or my other one, but I'll do another episode on that. But yes, finding friends can be different, difficult, but it's definitely doable. And find different clubs. That's my main thing is find something you love. Do more of that and you'll naturally meet people that are more like-minded. Even I found one of my best friends randomly in a book club. It was like a self-help. What was it? Rachel Hollis. Remember her book club years ago, and I met this girl in the book club. We are best friends talk every day. So you never know. Number five, step five, release the guilt. Remind yourself you're walking away from someone who consistently is harming you. And I know that can sound dramatic and you're like, well, it's not abuse.
(16:44)We can call it. It doesn't matter what we call it. It's toxic. It's gross, it's uncomfortable, it's unhealthy. Unhealthy is my new favorite word because unhealthy doesn't sound as dramatic. People are like, oh God, abuse. And then, okay, unhealthy. Same thing as you don't want to be smoking cigarettes. If you're smoking quit, you don't want to be putting these people all up in your energy space either, right? It's bad for you, they're bad for you. So don't feel guilty. You are protecting your peace. And part of this deeper work too that we do, that you do if you work one-on-one with me is this deeper level of self-love and self-respect. And guess what? I'm going to tell you something. Until you have self love, you are not going to get or attract self-respect, sorry, respect from others on that deeper level. When I started cutting people out that I was like, shit, these people aren't treating me well.
(17:49)This is a real live thing. And I started doing that and gaining in parallel, gaining a lot more confidence and not just confidence, I've been confident in a way in life, but like a self-trust, it really is self-trust. When I got self-trust, way more down is when I started really setting boundaries with ease, standing in my boundaries, attracting better people in my life in general, attracting even just with my jobs, with my clients, with everything. When you have self-trust, you make decisions faster. You don't have so much worry in your mind because you just feel like, I know I know how to do this. I know how to handle this. Whatever comes at you, you got it, you've got this queen, we got this. Okay. So yes, you got to do the deep work, but these are some tips to start with. If you're not ready to dive into deeper healing, I hope you get there soon because I'm telling you it is.
(19:02)I don't know, what are those credit cards? It's just invaluable. But that's not it. I was going to make a joke and now I can't think of it. Priceless. Priceless. I should actually do a narcissist abuse, recovery, priceless commercial. So it is priceless. It is priceless. And yes, I've spent money on coaches. I've spent more on, not specifically narcissist, I did do some therapy with a therapist that was somewhat aware of narcissism, but I really knew more than she did. And that's not going against her. That's just facts. But I've dove deep into education and books and videos and all sorts of stuff. You do have to invest in yourself if you want to make transformation. And I have invested deeply and it is priceless and I never have regrets. I'll say that there's no regret in the world with the growth I have had and what I've overcome and how I am hardcore peace bubble boundary queen doesn't take shit from anybody.
(20:06)And I have joy and I have just amazing things happening in my life and amazing people. And that is not a coincidence. That is totally in alignment because I chose to do the work and better my life. All right? So I know it is not easy, right? This friendship stuff, I've been there. The heartstrings are real. If they send you little carrots, we call 'em right? To try to get you little heartstring messages. Oh remember wins that can happen to, let me just put it this way, none of that. When you're in those moments, just picture them as a dump truck with a whole of shit in it. And they're just lifting that, lifting that truck bed. I don't know if they're called truck beds for dump trucks. I'm not a truck girl, but lifting it up and all that shit is being dumped on you.
(21:02)You're going to emotional dump, right? They're emotionally dumping on you. That's what you need to imagine. I want you to get that lovely picture in your mind. So anytime you have that feeling, just think about what that, because that's what it is. It's a bunch of shit you never signed up for and you don't deserve and you don't need. We are too old for this shit. So I don't care if you've been friends 20, 30 years, whatever, you're allowed to walk away. I'm giving you full permission to not be dumped on anymore. So if you're listening right now and you're like, this is me, take this as that permission slip to choose you, it's okay. You're choosing you. There is no problem with that, right? And on the other side, there is that piece. There is that clarity and space for those sparkly unicorn friends I talked about.
(22:03)Yeah. So if this episode hit home, you could first of all get my boundaries pocket guide. If you don't have that, that is free. I know people love the little free stuff. That's easy, right? We got these tips that are free. That's great. You want to do transformational work. I just had three people sign up this week for long-term real freaking transformation. And I do run out of spots I don't have. This is a lot of work. This is a lot of my time and investment and I really care about my clients. I put a lot into this so I don't have endless openings. So if you are interested, go sign up. We will work around your schedule to find a time, a weekly call on Zoom in between. If you sign up for the three month jam, which is like you're not going to recognize yourself after, in a good way, you get Voxer access in between the calls.
(23:06)Not every day, all day. Okay, I got shit to do. I got a life, I got clients, I got my own kid. But at least once a day I will check Voxer and if you leave a message, I will respond within 24 or 48 hours, usually 24. But you get that, that's like a bonus you get for doing the three month. If you want to do one month at a time. There's that option too. There is no vox or access. It's still great. Once a week on zoom, we zoom, zoom. What is that? That's mindset talk, which that's shifting enough. But then you put in the somatic healing, which is healing the body. Ooh girl. If you want more information, I'll put my email. That's always in the show notes too. This combination of mindset and body work is what you need for lasting and lasting healing.
(24:00)The mindset work is great, but what I noticed with myself with clients is I don't think you ever fully fall back all the way, but you can have shifts and then you might backpedal or stop doing this or that. When you do this body healing work, it just like amplifies the healing you're doing with the mindset work. And it makes it last because the body remembers. The body remembers everything. It's stored in there. You get in the tight shoulders, the stomach aches, the headaches. That's the body. That's stress, that's tension. So the mindset work can help a lot with the thinking and how to navigate things and how to handle the narcissist and the body work is we are going to calibrate your nervous system so you can handle anything. You can handle those conversations. So it just like the two together is where it's at. That's no matter what you sign up for. With me, we are doing both of those things. Where are you going to be in five years? Let's do two years. Two years from now. If you haven't done the work, the transformational work, how are you going to feel if you're still in the same place you are right now in two years?
(25:27)I love a vacation too, but for me that lasting healing and transformation is more important. That would be my priority. I know not everyone's going to be there, but if you are there and you're like, I don't want to be here in two years, I really don't. I've been doing this. Maybe you've been in stuck for a while. If you want to get unstuck, let's do it. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. All of my clients have had incredible success. I have testimonials, I have all that junk. And we have fun doing it too. I mean it's work as in you got to show up. But we can have fun. We know you are working with the queen here and you're a queen. So two queens on a Zoom call. I mean, can't be that bad, right? Alright, so definitely go sign up.
(26:26)And I know I got on a side tangent, but I don't know, passion just comes over me. What can I say? That's the Italian too. So I will see you in the next episode. We're going to do a thrive in five Thursdays are thrive in five. I usually do something related to the Tuesday episode and it's thrive in five. So it's some sort of somatic healing or a pep talk, quick pep talk, breath work, meditation, whatever, different things. So I will be recording that actually right after this. I'm going to do a two for one. Look at me, go look at me stacking my work so I can put that out on Thursday. And don't forget to follow the podcast wherever you're go run and do that. All the things. It's a big to-do list today. Make sure you're following so you get notified. Every time my podcast pops, it drops, pops and drops and locks.
(27:25)Okay? Because you want to be ready for our queen talks, don't you? Yeah, you look like you do. All right, let's take a deep breath. Inhale and release. Inhale and release. You guys did amazing listening to all that jabbering. I'm so proud of you. You get an extra little heart emoji from me. I wish I could send you heart emojis here. That'd be fun. Alright, so go do the things. If you want to dive deep, just let's just do it. Let's go for it. It's going to be fun. Okay? All right, loves these. See you in the next episode. Bye.

Narcissistic Family Roles Detox

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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you. Hey. Hey, queen. Today we're doing a little identity detox from the role that your narcissistic family cast you in. Because listen, if you were the scapegoat, the fixer, the golden girl, the lost one, that was not you. It was a role you adapted to so you could survive in this toxic system that was created. But you're safe now. Take a breath. You're going to be safe. If you don't feel safe. Now you are going to, we're going to get you there, but we're going to start letting that old identity fall away. Say byes. Say byes, kiss it goodbye. This five minute practice is called the roll detox. So grab your journal if you can, and if not, just listen and let it land.
(01:07)Save it for later. And if you want to come back to it and get a journal, you can do that. But just really be present with this one. Okay? So step one, you're naming the role. Okay? So ask yourself, what role did I play in my family growing up? Were you the rebel, the perfect one, the one who kept quiet and kind of just disappeared into the background? Then you go a little deeper. Who did I have to become in order to feel safe or accepted in the family? Now, name it out loud. First we're going to start with I became the what to survive. Is it the rebel? Is it the attention seeker? Is it that golden child energy? The perfect one, the one who kept quiet? What did you become to survive the family or I learned to be what? Because it felt safer than being rejected.
(02:23)None of these are your actual identity. Think of it as your armor. You are putting on this identity as armor. You put it onto survive and now it's safe to start taking it off. Take it off, girl. Alright, so step two, challenge the lie. Okay? So that role created a belief in you. So ask what lie did that role teach me about myself? These are some common ones. One of mine was this. I'm too much or too sensitive, right? I'm too much. But there's also, I'm not enough in a different way, right? I'm not enough. Maybe I'm not interesting enough. Maybe it's I'm not smart enough. Just good enough in any form is not good enoughness. Okay? Another common one. My needs are a burden, okay? I have a very close person in my life for privacy sake. I will not mention who it is, but this was hers.
(03:35)She felt like she was always a burden to her parent. Always a burden. Did you ever feel like that? Or fear? Like if you spoke up, you'd be punished. And I'm not just talking violence, punished by sharp words, punished by being ignored. Punished by not getting things that other kids in the family might get because you spoke up. There's many ways that narcissists will punish you. I do think of them as the punishers. If you don't do what they want, when they want and how they want, you will get punished. So now let's flip it. So you've written down what is the lie that rule taught you about yourself? So you have that down. Now flip it, reclaim the truth, and then don't forget to say it out loud. You're writing it down, but also say it out loud. It's so healing to say stuff out loud. Can I just tell you, say it out loud. I'm loud. I have no problem doing that and then let it land. So some examples of this, my sensitivity is not a flaw, it's a gift.
(05:00)I love my sensitivity. Now I'm sensitive. I'm empathetic. That's good. Does that make you a target for a narcissist? Sometimes, but we're learning to queen it out so we can rise above that and not take the bait. So own your sensitivity. Now, that's your armor. Shine that shit. Okay? You look sexy in sensitivity. I'm going to create a quote and put that on my Facebook. Guys, if you're not following me on my Facebook, by the way, always go click all the links. All the links in my show notes of the podcast, okay? I have a private Facebook group full of women just like you. And I drop some quotes, sometimes videos, my podcast episodes in there, all the fun. So go join that. All right. How about this one? I deserve love without earning it. You don't have to earn love. No. That should be given to you out them gates, out them wombs. Okay? You deserve love without earning it. Another one. Oh, let's see who this hits. Let's am safe When I'm fully myself. Fully, I am safe when I'm fully myself. Doesn't that feel good? If you could believe that, let's get you there. We're starting by just saying it out loud, okay? We're trying to start the transformation.
(06:35)Another one being seen isn't dangerous, it's now powerful, right? Some of us growing up, being seen or heard could be dangerous. Why? Because we get punished. The punisher, the great Punisher, Uhuh, nope, it's powerful. Now we grownups and we're going to take our power back and it's going to be freaking powerful to be seen, to be heard, to have a voice and be able to say what your desires, what your needs are, that's power and you deserve it. So these truths are not just fluffy little affirmations. They are weapons, okay? Weapons of healing, how's that whip that healing around you? Got it? Alright, so we've got that down, okay? We've got challenging those lies. The now step three is anchoring a new identity. So take a deep breath in and out in the nose, out the mouth, close your eyes and visualize yourself free from that role.
(07:55)No mask, no performance, no guilt, just you grounded, radiant, powerful like a dang queen. Okay? What does she wear? How does she speak? How does she protect her peace? And you can pause this and really marinate on it, okay? This is where the good shit happens, doing this work and hold that version of you in your heart. That is not future you. She's already up in there. Don't you feel her queen? She's in there. You're just reconnecting to her. All right? Repeat after me and then I'll let you go. I'm probably going over. Yep, there I am. Blobby mouth went over her five minutes. Surprise. All right. Say it with me. I'm no longer playing the role they gave me. I, okay, I'm living the truth. I chose.
(09:05)I am not who they said I was. And here's my favorite. Yes, feel this one. I am who I decide to become. That is your thrive in 10 today, Queens. Real healing, real tools. We're not fluffing around. I don't fluff. Something I don't do is fluff, right? And if this cracks something open for you, go listen to this week's full episode. If you missed it, I walk you through the narcissistic family roles and how to break free from that without all the guilt Bs. So go look at that. Also, if you want to do deeper healing, really transformational stuff where you get to feel alive and have peace and have joy and don't have to struggle so much sitting in your brain spinning out all the time. If you want to get past that and heal from the body where you actually get lasting results, go click on one of those dang links I told you about, preferably the one-on-one coaching. You can start out with our Reclaim You Sessions, an hour and a half session. Okay? And then from there, we go to monthly work month, one month at a time, chapter after chapter, growth after growth, cleaning after Queening. Are you in? Yeah, go click it. All right? Have a beautiful day and I will talk to you in the next episode.
(11:54)That's your Thrive in Five Queen. Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your piece like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment. And check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.

Were You the Scapegoat or the Golden Child? Understanding Narcissistic Family Roles (And How to Break Free)

Were you the scapegoat, the golden child, or the lost one?In this episode, we break down the toxic roles in narcissistic families and how they mess with your identity, confidence, and peace—and most importantly, how to break free from them for good.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
What if the guilt you feel around your family is not your fault, but the result of a system that was built to silence you? In today's episode, we're diving deep into narcissistic family dynamics, what they look like, why you got cast in a role you sure as hell did not sign up for, and how to finely break free without drowning in all that familial guilt. You're not crazy, you're not alone. Look, I'm right here next to you, we, and yes, we are allowed to choose peace over people, even our family, even if it's hard. When we are in these situations, have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free.
(01:08)I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Welcome back, beautiful queens. It is Christy Jade, your guide, your cheerleader, your no nonsense truth teller in my heels. Are you in your heels today? Looking super fly. Alright, so we're talking about something that can hit very deep narcissistic families and yes, grab your tea, your journal, maybe your little inner child because this is going to go deep, but hopefully be healing for you. So often we think abuse equals obvious, yelling, hitting chaos, and it does.
(02:18)But with some narcissistic families, they can be more covert, more manipulative. They might look functional on the outside, but inside there is favoritism, there's gaslighting, there is emotional neglect, masked as tough love, and there's control dressed up as we just want what's best for you. So if you grew up walking on eggshells constantly trying to earn somebody's love and feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions, that was not healthy love. That's not the love you deserved to have. Okay, so let's talk family role in narcissistic families. Everyone gets cast in a role, like a little play first. There is my personal unfavorite, the golden child. They are almost idolized. You have to walk on eggshells and everyone does. They're an extension of a narcissistic parent's ego, right? They usually can do no wrong in the family's eyes. Then there's the scapegoat. This is the one who gets blamed for everything, often the truth teller or the sensitive one, the empath, and that means also the black sheep.
(03:58)But in my opinion, it's good to be a black sheep and a narcissistic family. That means you're not like the rest, right? Then there can also be the lost child, invisible, quiet. They kind learn to disappear, to stay safe and out of the chaos of the group. So you didn't choose your role. You adapted to what you had to be to survive in this dynamic. So let's repeat that. You adapted to survive. So it wasn't weakness, it was just what you had to do. And now that you're grown, you don't have to stay stuck in that script. So here's where the guilt trap comes in, but they're family. Let's talk about the biggest tool narcissistic families used to keep you stuck. Ding, ding. Guilt. Guilt.
(04:56)Things like have you heard this before? You only have one mom. You're so sensitive, right? That's a big one. You're so sensitive, you can't take a joke and I did the best I could. You turned out fine, didn't you? Or family? Is everything family's first blood thicker than water? Not saying any of these things cannot be said in a normal family, but there's a pattern and it is used against you when you are being mistreated. Okay? That's the difference here. So family is not everything. If it costs you your peace, your truth, or very importantly, your safety, right? The real truth is blood does not give someone a pass to mistreat you. I'm going to say that a little louder, fold. The back blood does not give someone a pass to mistreat you. The old, oh, well, that's just how he is or that you hear that in family so much.
(06:04)That's just how they are. Oh, just ignore it. Oh, he's just crazy. Oh, he is just got a temper. Oh, boys will be boys. It can be girls too. I'm just just doing the he right now. We'll throw some girls in there too. Oh, she's just high maintenance. Oh, she's just a little princess. Oh, she's just on her period there now you don't want to hear about the girl one anymore. No. So you've heard all the excuses that are given for narcissists. So how to start breaking free without swimming around in that guilt. So first, here's what I want you to remember. You are allowed to set boundaries, right? I'm not saying you go cut every single person off and your family and throw 'em and flush 'em, right? You're allowed to set boundaries and you stick. I have a great boundaries course. If you don't know, I also have a freebie boundary guide.
(07:03)I am going to put in the description of this episode. You need to grab it if you have not grabbed it. It's a very recent creation. A couple of weeks ago I put it out. So go grab that and I also have a course. I'll link that too. That is epic. But if you have trouble setting boundaries, both of those things can help you. But you're allowed to set boundaries even with your family. It's okay. You're allowed to say no even to your mother often, and I know it can be generational too, but that's also an excuse We over, okay?
(07:37)Oh, they're old. No, no one should treat you like crap. And it's okay to have boundaries and stick to them and give actual consequences. And you're allowed to take space. You're allowed to say, I'm going to back off for a couple of weeks and just get my bearings. You're allowed to go low contact, right? You don't want to go all the way, no contact, that's fine. Go lower contact, give yourself a little more peace, or you are allowed to go no contact in certain situations. If there is someone in your family that is abusive, it is absolutely a thousand percent okay to go no contact. Do you want to set boundaries first and try that out to see so you never have regrets? Yeah, I would. I love to give people chances. Guess what though? You fuck up on some chances. It's a no. And you're allowed to heal.
(08:36)Even if they don't apologize, even if they don't right their wrongs, it is not about them. This is about you and your journey. This is about you saying, I want peace. I'm deciding I'm not taking their bait. I'm not believing their, I'm saying I am ready to have peace and I'm the rule creator for this relationship, right? That doesn't mean go be abusive to them. That's not what I'm saying here. You don't build boundaries to go be mean to people. No. You build boundaries to protect your peace. Yeah, remind yourself of that because sometimes a lot of us will feel guilty placing boundaries because we are conditioned and told that we are the mean ones. We're being irrational or unreasonable when we're just trying to protect ourselves. So I'm here to tell you, this is about protecting your peace. You're not doing anything to anybody.
(09:48)You're not controlling anybody. You're controlling yourself and how you handle the situation. So here's a little practical tip for you. Start small. If you haven't heard of my hell yes, hell no list. We'll start small with that. Write down hell yes on one side, hell no on the other. Who makes you feel safe and seen? Who drains you, manipulates you or triggers guilt, right? Just list the people in your family, okay? Start with that. What's working, what's not? And you can go further. You can work with me one-on-one to really get into all of that and help heal that and help change that story without guilt. But you don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace, especially not people who never protected you. Let's say that again, and I'm going to post it on Facebook. I've just said it in that hit, you don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace, especially not the people who never protected you.
(11:04)We feel like we owe people. That's natural. You're a nice person with a heart and a soul, right? You're probably empathetic. You know what it feels like, but guess what? You're doing nothing wrong by protecting your peace. There's a reason you are here at this point. So what would it feel like to feel that freedom doesn't mean getting there is overnight and easy, but working with me, it can be fun. We can shine our little crowns together. You might feel sad, you might have a little confusion working through it, but over time, I am here. I'm telling you on the other side of for me, I did go no contact with narcissist.
(11:56)You do feel lighter. You stop second guessing every decision. You breathe deeper, you sleep better, and this is huge. You trust yourself more. You can trust yourself. You build yourself trust. What are you without self-trust? You're living in someone else's damn body. You'll begin to build your chosen family. Let's say you do end up low or no contact with some people. It opens it up for people that deserve your friendship, your relationship, your love. People that lift you up, people that see you and hear you and believe you and give you the benefit of the doubt. Meet you halfway. People that don't confuse and manipulate and gaslight you, people who love you for every part of you as you are and don't project onto you. There's no performance, there's no roles. There's no freaking game. Spider web of crap. That's the kind love that heals you.
(13:13)That's the kind of love that heals your children and their children and all the generations after. That is true love, and I have that in my life. Do you know how amazing that is to come from a certain part of life where I felt like helpless. That's the only word I can use in this situation. I felt absolutely heartbroken and helpless. I'm trying to be more open and raw here in my podcast because I am a very bubbly, fun personality. But I want you guys to know I get it. I seriously just got choked up. I don't like talking about the dark parts, but I'm supposed to, right? It's part of it. I've done a lot of that work, but I need to bring it to you so you can see. I get it. I've been there. I have been in the dark laying there, praying to God, saying, what do I do?
(14:23)God, I don't know what to do. I felt like the situation was absolutely impossible. I thought there was no way I could stay in it and no way I could stay, get out of it. It felt absolutely impossible. And I'm here to tell you it's not impossible. It's not. You learn to set boundaries. You do, I think really need support. I got support. I got help with somebody who knows narcissism. So again, I would love to help you through any of this. I will put how to work with me in the description box. This does not have to be something you navigate alone and it should not be something you navigate alone. It is heavy shit. It's heavy shit. It's dark where you're at. But that's the whole point is I want to reach and hold your hand and help you climb out of that mud.
(15:24)See the light, get to the light, feel that lighter. Can you imagine actually not having that visceral shoulders up all the time? Always second guessing yourself, always waiting for the shoe to drop, not knowing how to navigate the situation. Even if you're lower contact, just not really having a plan, still feeling like up in the air. The balls are up in the air and it's just like a chaotic mess. Imagine feeling peace. Imagine feeling like you are in control. That's what we need for you. You have to feel like you are in control and you trust yourself and no matter what comes at you or what they say or do, you got it. You can handle it and you know what to do. That's how I want to help you feel. That's the light, right? That's that. Ah, just like settled, comfortable at peace, calm.
(16:29)You get to feel those things. So if you are ready, sign up for a session with me. You got to be ready. Are you ready? So like I said, I have the boundaries guide. I've got the course. If you want to do the real work, sign up. We do our intro session and then there are sessions after that. The intro session. You do not stop there. Sure. It'll give you a little fun feeling. You get like when you go to see a motivational speaker or something, sure you'll have a little kick, not a little pep in your step there. It is a little pep in your step, probably for a couple days. You might learn a couple tools and sure, I do my work to help people and I think it'll help you. These podcasts help you and they're free, right? It's great. But if you want to do transformational, long lasting work, you need to do the work. You need to go deep and you need to be ready and say, yeah, let's do this, queen. Okay? So sign up for your Reclaiming You private session. We're going to help clear that guilt and build a plan, and we are going to go from there because you want this life. It is not meant to struggle. And how old are we?
(18:00)I mean, what would life look like if you are in the same place five years from now? I know a lot of you say you feel stuck. I'm here to help you get unstuck. That is my job. It is the best thing in the damn world to help unstick my peeps, my queens. So you don't want to be in the same situation. You don't want to be dreading family events. You don't want to be not knowing what to do when the phone rings or the text comes through. You don't want the guilt. You don't want to feel like you want to be a good role model for your kids and have a peaceful, happy life, but there's this disruption and drama and chaos. Come on, we're too old. We're too old for this. I mean, no age should deal with it, but at this stage, it's time to take control of your life, get your power back.
(19:01)You deserve that, okay? You're not broken because of your family. You are becoming that cycle breaker, the pattern shifter, the one your future self, your kids will thank. That's why you're here. That's why you're on this podcast. Okay? So I see you and you are reclaiming that crown. So go click that link and then don't forget to follow the podcast. So you get the notifications. And on Thursdays we have Thrive in Five, usually related to the Tuesday episodes where there's some delicious body energy healing going on or tools or techniques. It's five minutes. It's just like a bite-sized podcast every Thursday. So you get more tools to help. But if you want that deep transformation, hit that damn link and let's go. I hate that saying, that's so popular. Now let's go. I think I just hate when people are like, yeah, bro, let's go, but let's go Queen. Maybe that makes it better. Are you ready to go? Let's go. All right, I'll see you in the next episode.
 

Was It Real Love? Here’s the Truth in 3 Quick Questions

🎁 FREE RESOURCE:
Goodbye Guilt, Hello Boundaries3 powerful strategies to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral.Grab your free guide: 👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
💬 JOIN THE COMMUNITY:
You're not meant to heal alone.Come hang with me and other women healing from narcissistic abuse in our free Facebook group!✨ Join here:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
 
 
👑 Work 1:1 With Me
Need personalized support to reclaim your peace and power?📅 Book a private session:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
 
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a Breath Queen. This one's for you. Hello Queens. Are you still spinning in your head? Wondering, was it lover Just control? Today I'm giving you three simple but powerful questions that can help you stop the obsessive loop and reclaim some clarity. Let's get into it. Number one, did they love you or the version of you that served their needs? So narcissists are great at mirroring, but when you stop pleasing them or you had maybe a conflict or brought up something that bothered you how they were treating you, or you wanted to do something for yourself or something your way and not always theirs, did the love vanish? Did they punish? Did they hold things back? That is control, not love, right? Number two, did they make you feel consistently safe and supported? Like steady no matter what they were on your team, lifting you up on your side supporting you, or confused and anxious? Maybe there were some moments of support. Usually that is during a time that's benefiting them, but mostly confusing you, manipulating you, playing mind games, making you feel like you're crazy, causing you anxiety. Which one?
(01:55)Real love creates peace. It makes you feel secure. It makes you feel calmer, right? Not the up and the down and the woo all around. No, no, ma'am. Narc, love, love, let me put it in quotes, can really create panic, end of story, chaos, inconsistency. We talked about this Tuesday on the longer episode, right? About the inconsistency, the chaos, the back and forth, the up and down, making your mind a whirlwind. Even after you have left them, you still have that imprint and the questions, questioning yourself, not trusting yourself, not knowing what to trust about what really happened, what was real, what wasn't real, what was love? What was not love? Number three were your needs. Your needs that you deserve by the way, ever truly prioritized or where they always, always pushed to the side.
(03:09)Love honors you as a whole, right? And your needs, it honors you as a human being, right? Narc, love erases who you are. I'll say that again. Love honors you as your whole human narc. Love erases it. If you're going, where the F did I go? Who am I? What do I do? Now it makes sense if you were in a relationship with a narc of any kind, right? So if you answered those and you felt a gut punch on the negative side of the answer, you're not crazy. You're just waking up to all of this and good thing you are. Some people don't get the chance to wake up. They don't get the chance. You're getting this chance. You're seeing it in a new light, maybe confusing. You may want answers. That's what I'm here for, to help you, to guide you. But you get to choose the truth, the real truth, your truth, what really happened and who you are.
(04:32)You get to know who you are all over again rather than the fantasy of what was the fantasy of the love that was shared between you. That wasn't really love, it was control and maybe addiction, codependency. And you get to build a life based on real love, starting with loving yourself the right way, knowing what you expect for yourself from yourself, bleeding into other relationships. You will enter, not just romantic, okay? I'm talking friendships. Anybody you're letting into your life better be able to show you real love. We can often get attracted to the wrong people when we are used to controlling relationships, certain types of people we're comfortable. Get uncomfortable with controlling people. Get uncomfortable with narcissists. Get uncomfortable with people who don't reciprocate. Get uncomfortable with people who only talk about themselves and focus on themselves. What should you get comfortable with? People who uplift you, people who want to hear more about you, people who are there for you, people who are steady and in your corner, people who are excited about you.
(05:58)So if you haven't listened to that episode, go listen to Tuesday's episode. I go deeper into this, how to move forward when your brain is tangled up in the doubt, in the questions. All right, Queens, you got this. I hope this is helpful. Save the episode. If you start to get those doubts, go back and look at those questions. You know the answers. If you're here, you probably know the answers already, and sometimes it takes just seeing them, hearing them from someone else, having it spelled out to wake up and say, wow, this sucks. It hurts when you realize all of this. It's painful. This isn't easy stuff, but know what it is. It makes it easier. I will say to move forward, once you say out loud the things you have to say out loud, excuse me, pardon me. A little alarm saying those things out loud, saying, you know what?
(06:58)That wasn't the love I deserved. That wasn't authentic, true love. It was control. It was codependency. It wasn't the real love that I am going to get from myself and from others from this point on. Can I get a what? What? Thank you. Alright, so take a deep breath. It's a lot to take in. I know. Shake it out. Shake your arms. I'm also doing my podcast now on YouTube too, so you can get the visual. No, I just thought, I know a lot of my YouTube people like podcasts, but they like the video ones. So I'm putting on there on video now, so you can check those out too. And as always in the show notes, if you're looking for ways to work with me, if you want to really show up and do the work, like big transformations, you've got to actually consistently meet with someone, whether it's me or a therapist.
(08:01)If you are going to a therapist, make sure they know a lot about narcissism because it is not some cookie cutter way of dealing with co-parent or exes. It's not a normal healthy individual you break up with or you have to deal with this stuff with, right? We know that. So you have to make sure they really know narcissism. But you do to make transformation, I'm talking, you get to find yourself again. You get to have peace. I know you're not asking for much, and you can get there, but you've got to actually make the move, even though it can be scary to make that first move and say, yeah, I'm ready. So are you ready? If you're ready, go on my show notes. Click on the ways you can work with me there and let's do this. You deserve it, and I want, this is what my dream is. I got out on the other side and I want to help people like you. I went through absolute hell mind body, right? I ended up in the er. I was choked by a phone cord. My back was nearly snapped in half on a bathtub.
(09:18)None of that's fun to talk about, but I'm here to tell you, you can leave that behind, come out of it and shine and do more for yourself and more for your children. Love yourself harder and let your children see that so they know how to love themselves the right way. All right, I'll see you in the next episode. Bye. That's your Thrive in five Queen. Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your peace like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment, and check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.

Did the Narcissist Really Love You? Here’s How to Know for Sure

Wondering if the narcissist ever truly loved you?In this episode, we unpack what narcissistic “love” really is, why it feels so convincing, and how to finally tell the difference between real love and control. If you’re stuck in confusion, this truth-packed episode will give you the clarity—and closure—you deserve.
💬 JOIN THE COMMUNITY:
You're not meant to heal alone.Come hang with me and other women healing from narcissistic abuse in our free Facebook group!✨ Join here:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
🎁 FREE RESOURCE:
Goodbye Guilt, Hello Boundaries3 powerful strategies to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral.Grab your free guide: 👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
👑 Work 1:1 With Me
Need personalized support to reclaim your peace and power?📅 Book a private session:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:00)Alright, Queens, welcome back to narcissistic abuse Recovery. We're going to keep it real and raw today. Well and always. So let's just get real here. Many of us get out of a toxic relationship and we spiral, right? It's normal, it's okay. Take a breath. We've all done it, but we're haunted by. But did they ever really love me? And I'm going to say something hard, but I love you and I'm going to say it with truth and compassion here. They may have loved you in a way that's different. It's more about how you make them feel, which we can relate to in a little bit. But they're all about the ego. So their form of love is truly about loving what they're gaining. It's feeding them. They loved what you gave them. The real love, that healthy type of love, that kind that sees you, values you, uplifts you.
(02:10)That's not what they have to offer. That's not the love they provide, and you deserve that, right? Of course. So what real love looks like versus narc love, real love, and you might want to write this down, you might want to go back to this. Keep this in your notes. When you are entering new romantic relationships or new friendships or any type of relationship with anyone you'll be spending time with in any form feels safe, it feels steady, it feels respectful. It feels supportive of your growth. They want to see you do well narcissists often, and it goes both ways. It's give and take. It's not take, take, take. So narcissistic love feels like a wild ass roller coaster, high highs, low lows, light, dark. It always ends up in the dark though. That's the bad news. With the narcissist, it will always go back to dark.
(03:22)It feels transactional. It can be obsessive and possessive, right? You are a property to them in a way. You are a possession of theirs. So it can feel like that where it might feel good to you in a way. Maybe you kind of like the feeling when they get jealous. It's like, oh look, they're showing they love me. That's not love by the way. But we can view that in these situations as a type of them showing their love that catches. That's not love, that's just the control, right? And it's centered on control, not connection. I'm going to say that part again. Their love is centered on control, not connection with you. I want that to sink in because I think that for me was something when I realized that myself was like, wow, we did not connect in the way I needed. I was always wanting more.
(04:28)There was something missing, and that's a big element that misses when you're with a narcissist so they don't fall in love with you. They become, especially in the beginning, obsessed with the supply you represent. We're talking about that feeding you, feed them how you maybe made them feel admired, powerful. They love people who accommodate them, who compliment them all the time, who blow their egos up. So if you're an empath, if you've got a huge heart, if you are expressive with your words, if you put things aside for yourself to support them always and they don't reciprocate that, that is that uneven supply they're getting, right? You're essentially a mirror for their ego. So it's not a partnership. Narcissists cannot be in a healthy true partnership. So how do they weaponize love as control narcissists say, I love you as a leash. So especially in the beginning, but also between the abuse, they will love bomb you with the attention gifts and soulmate talk, which you may misunderstand is the connection you're actually missing.
(05:59)But you feel like, well, they're saying these words, but deep down you probably don't really feel it. You're like, well, soulmates don't do this other stuff subconsciously. You may know that, but the soulmate, oh, you're my soulmate, or I got no one's ever made me feel the way you feel. You're so special. We've gone through so much together. You're the only one who can X, Y, z. Did you hear any of those? Yeah. So they will also use your loyalty against you later. They know as you get more and more loyal, which you will fall under that you have already in the past, if you're listening to this, you may be out of the situation, but maybe some people are still in it, but we're talking about, and you should know when you were very loyal to them, it probably progressed more and more and you felt more fear associated with if you were not loyal or you did not do exactly what they said.
(07:00)So they do this. If you loved me, you wouldn't go out with your girlfriends. You'd be wanting to spend time only with me. If you loved me, you would do this for me if you loved me, right? It's this guilt trip related to loyalty. But they don't give you loyalty back necessarily, right? Except with the possession type attachment, the codependency. So they also will punish you. That could be with the silent treatment or just withdrawal of the love bombing of the compliments of the carrots they give you. They'll start holding those back, making you want them and desire them and just wait for them hoping they'll come back around. When you set a boundary, when you're like, I really even bringing up something that is not accommodating what they are doing, they can do that, right? The other one is using fake vulnerability to rope you back in.
(08:05)And this is a tough one because sometimes we can't tell, especially when we're fully in it, what is real and fake. They could have crocodile tears, they can have, I'm sorry, it's just that I had a really hard life and right? And it's just the sob stories all the time about their constant poor behavior towards you, and they will act as if they're being vulnerable, crying, opening up to you. Again, you might mistake this for that connection that you're seeking, but that's the wrong connection. That's the guilt tripping and fake vulnerability connection. So that is not love. It's a strategy manipulating and it's masquerading as intimacy. So you were not loved in the way we love you were used, and it's not your fault. And yes, it sucks. Of course, we all look back, we spent how many years of our life being used? How did I not see that?
(09:17)We're not going to do that here today, and we'll have episodes of addressing that. And of course you want to get into the nitty gritty of that and get rid of that. Come work with me. I am an expert at helping you navigate this. That's why I'm here. You want to do the real work? I get it. It is very hard where you're at and I have been there and I have thought about what I let happen to me, and I don't know how I didn't get help. It's very hard living through that, and it doesn't seem fun to shine a light on it and get help for it. But I am telling you, I went through not just narcissistic abuse, but physical abuse I just mentioned in my group for the first time, I'm talking about my actual physical injuries. I was choked by a phone cord.
(10:15)I was sitting there not knowing if it was going to be my last breath getting dizzy, feeling like, oh, here it goes, here I go, and I didn't get help. Then I, all I can say is I didn't know or didn't want to face it. Sometimes we don't want to face it. There's a bunch of different reasons, but we're not here to dwell on that part. Yes, we address it, we talk about it. I'm talking about my own situation more. It's not comfortable. That's probably why I haven't talked about it in public too much. But guess what, we're here now. And if you don't want to lose more years of your life to this, if you want to break the cycle for your own children, if you don't want to end up with health issues because of all of this gnawing at you in the pit of your stomach, the body and the mind are connected, and we do get sick from this stuff.
(11:18)So if you want, and look, I get passionate, I'm not yelling at you, but if you want to actually heal, you're going to need to go a little deeper than the podcast or the YouTube videos. They are helpful. It's great help for understanding. If you really truly want to heal, you are going to have to take it a step further. And I love to help people. My specialty is helping people move more quickly than you think with your, and I try to keep it as fun as possible, right? I'm Christy Jade. I love a good gold crown and sparkle, so I will always put how to work with me in the show notes. It is up to you to say, I don't want to live like this anymore. And what is your life going to look like in five years from now? You're sad. You wasted so much time, so don't waste any more time for you, for your kids.
(12:20)Anyway, I got a little side tangent, passion over there, but you were used. This isn't your fault. We know what we know when we know it. It is a reflection of them, not your worth. But there is damage done. So we do have to do the work. That part is up to us. That is our responsibility. What happened is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. So why do we confuse love with control? So this is why it hits so hard. Many of us were raised in environments where love was conditional. Most of us who have later in life had these not so great toxic relationships. Narcissistic abuse probably ended up in that situation because there was a lack of something or an unhealthy childhood, whether that be from a parent, caregiver, sibling, whatever, where the approval had to be earned somehow, maybe you're dismissed where there was tension, fear, and that was the norm.
(13:40)I in my life was on high alert a lot. Looking back, I just, my God, my shoulders must've been up to my ears most of my childhood. So when a narcissist shows up with the chaos and the charm, some people see through that, people who have been in the situations we've been in, it feels like home. It feels unpredictable, which is home to us, unsafe, which is home to us. But love is not intensity. It's not the up and the down and the, oh, we're just a passionate family, right? I mean, I'm not going to get specific with my own family or anyone, but let's be honest, there is a generational thing that went on before us where it was excused, passionate parenting. I feel like that's what we should have called it. Passionate parenting. Oh, I'm going to smack you across your head. You can clear across the table, but then two minutes later, act like nothing happened and I'm kissing your forehead and we're eating pasta and meatballs together.
(14:56)That passionate up and down intensity. Love is not intensity. Up and down, up and down. It is consistency. And that gets boring to us when we are used to intensity. So we tend to be drawn to the people that give us intensity. That can include chaos. It doesn't matter. It could be the really happy, upbeat, crazy people that are wild, we like them, or people that are charismatic and love bombing, and then behind closed doors are hurting you. Love is not sacrifice. Sacrificing your own wants and needs. Yes, you're going to compromise in relationships of any kind. You should be compromising. It's healthy. No one's the same. You got to meet in the middle. You're not going to sacrifice your mental health, okay? That's what you're not going to sacrifice. Love is safe. We'll all have our disagreements. We're going to have fights here and there.
(16:04)We're human. There's a difference between that and a pattern of sacrifice, a pattern of chaos, a pattern of not feeling safe in your home every day. That is not love. So you were not crazy. You were conditioned. You were conditioned probably from an early age, and then it felt real nice and cozy, but it's not nice and cozy. And I'm here on the other side to say, guess what? You do actually get rid of that desire for intensity. I have the most steady, safe, calm husband in the world. I never would've guessed that from where I came from, and I can't tell you how amazing it feels, but I did a lot of work. So yes, this is for the people who are ready to do the work. So what can you ask yourself to reclaim the truth? Ask, did I feel emotionally safe in the relationship?
(17:13)You're probably immediately going to say no. Most of you, unless you're still in a denial phase, which is fine. I'm here to tell you, if you're on this podcast, you didn't feel safe. Okay? Number two, did I feel free to grow and be myself? Do your own things. Did you get to choose what you wanted to do, what you wanted to wear, who you wanted to be? If you said, I want to change careers, was your partner okay with that? Did you feel free? And number three was their love based on who I was or what you gave them. And that could be just feeding their ego, accommodating them or was it on who you truly were?
(18:10)And sometimes that's hard. You might have to navigate that for a few minutes to figure that out. But I know I walked on eggshells with my narcissist. There's a couple in my life, but one of them walked on major eggshells to accommodate them to do what they want to do because I just did it. It was not worth the fight or wanting to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it because I would either get punished or, yeah, punished is basically the outcome. Okay? So you deserve real love and real love does not break you. It's not that crumbling and putting together, and even when you crumble in a narcissistic, abusive situation, you're usually the one that has to put yourself back together. You might get a fake, I'm sorry, that's going to benefit them because they know how to work the abuse cycle, of course, and they might not say, sorry. A lot of people say narcissists never say sorry. They're never accountable. If they are desperate, they will give an apology, but it's not a true apology. It's not authentic. You can usually tell, but they may give one. If they're desperate, you're almost out the door. They absolutely may say, sorry, it might be an empty apology. It might not come with any sort of substantial reasoning behind it, or I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you're hurt. It's bullshit, right?
(19:50)So love is not controlling, as we've said here, right? It's not confusing. Did you feel confused as hell in your relationship? The ups, the downs, the I don't know what to do here. You deserve a love that lets you be you in your wholeness. Again, no one's perfect. We're going to have blips, but in general, you should be able to feel yourself and not go. Where the F did I go and it starts with you. You learning to love yourself seriously, fully, unapologetically. It's okay and it's hard. When you're coming out of these situations, you're conditioned to not put yourself first, to not love yourself, to think you're not worthy. They shove you down so far so they can have control over you. It's time for you look in the mirror and say, I deserve to more and I'm going to demand more. And that's okay. Christy said so. Christie says, so. Okay, so no more wondering if they loved you.
(21:16)You get to decide, was it love or control? We know the answer. And look at this. You're deciding you are in control. Take that power back. Okay? I want you to just pretend there's a big golden energy and you're just pulling it in. This is your power, okay? You get to decide and you say, what kind of love am I choosing? Next? What will I tolerate? Safety, steadiness. Kindness, uplifting, empowering, joyful, consistent love. That's the love you are going to get and you're not going to settle for less. How would that feel? How would that feel in your body to have unconditional love? That was constant, consistent. You didn't have to question it. You didn't have to say, what did I do wrong? Or Is this my fault? Maybe it is. Or, oh, I'm crazy, I'm oversensitive, or, oh, I better not say what I'm thinking at all. No, we're not going to live like that anymore.
(22:35)You are going to break out of those damn eggshells, shatter them, give them back to that narcissist. They can have their eggshells back. Thank you. And you are going to rise up. You are going to find that girl inside. You're going to find that fire that I know is in there, or you would not be here she is here, she's inside you and she's waiting, going, yes, I'm ready. I'm ready to live my life the way it should be lived. It's okay if you spent years doing something different, it brought you here. Do you understand? Yes. I went through years of all sorts of shit. Okay, but where am I now? I don't regret. I don't get mad. Yes, it sucks. So of course I feel bad for my younger self going through all of it, but I also know it led me here and I'm going to use it.
(23:31)I have used it to live a life that most people don't get to live because I had to evaluate and go, what just happened? What's happened? Oh my goodness. I need to recreate a life. A dream life, honestly. And I know right now where you are, you might not be able to think of that life. Maybe you can. I hope you can. But back when I was in the situation or soon after, I couldn't imagine being in the life I'm in. But you have to be open enough to say, I want more. I want more for myself, and I do deserve more. I didn't deserve that. Okay? It is the past. We are going to let you live your you 2.0. That's what I call it, right? You 2.0 because it's still you. She's still in there, and that's going to be a part of your story. And that's okay. We are not going to grovel over all the years lost or we're just going to lose more time. And do not give that narcissist the satisfaction of taking one more damn minute.
(24:47)Take that power back and say, what am I going to do now? I'm going to demand only the most amazing people in my life. I'm going to spend my time doing a job I love. I'm going to find the moments in the day for me. I'm going to choose to do whatever I want. I'm going to choose what shampoo I can use. I'm going to choose what vacation I want to go on. I am going to parent how I want to parent my own children. You get to be free. You get to be free. How would that feel? Just take that in for a moment. We're going to do Thursday. We're going to do, woo, I'm all hot and sweaty over here. Thursday, we're going to do thrive in five. If you're new to me, I do every Thursday a Thrive in five. It's five minutes or less of a little somatic healing, which is the body, right? We try to heal through the body. So we do meditation, we do breath work, we do visualizations, we can do sound healing. There's all sorts of stuff. So we are going to do one related to this on Thursday, which is great. We're going to actually apply this and imprint it into our bodies because all this talk is great. You might feel real motivated right now, but doing the somatic healing and ongoing work with me, that's where the transformation happens.
(26:15)My clients shifts are out of this world. I'll be honest. Every call I have, pretty much, especially the ongoing clients where they've built up, they've been with me a month, two months, three months. I've had clients after a year. The transformation, you don't recognize yourself. That's what I want for you, no matter how you get it, if it's with me or someone else, get that one-on-one accountability and someone who knows what they're doing with yes mindset work, but also the body work, the somatic healing, because the body remembers everything. Mindset work is great, but doing the actual internal healing is going to give you those lasting results. I can't tell you the changes within my own life when I started doing the somatic healing. So again, all that information is always in my show notes. I hope this episode helped you share it with anyone that you think might need it if they've been in a toxic relationship, narcissistic abuse, and I just want you to really understand the power you have within you and how you get to decide what to do with that now.
(27:42)Right? The past is the past you have now, and moving forward, what are you going to do? What do you want your life to look like five years from now, one year from now? Let's do one year. Five is a lot to think ahead, right? And one year from now, do you want to still be feeling like you're feeling or do you want to have a major transformation because you owe it to yourself, your kids, you owe it to. I mean, if you're a God person, God didn't put us here to suffer. He gives us all these beautiful things around us, these beautiful experiences, these beautiful tools in our little tool, tool bag. Tool bag. I was trying to say like backpack and bag at the same time.
(28:37)We owe it to this life, to our higher self, whatever you want to call it. I owe it to God in my mind to not be lazy with my mental health, my growth. We are not stuck. You are not stuck. I've heard a lot of people saying, I'm stuck. I remember saying, I'm stuck. I'm here to tell you, you're only as stuck as you let yourself be. Yes, give yourself grace. But I'm here. You're here for a reason. So let me help grab your hand and guide you, whatever. You're already here. This is great. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you've done so far. Just listening is a great start, but you want a real transformation. Let's freaking go. Alright, I will see you in the next episode. Like I said, Thursday, thrive in five. We are going to do some body healing, good stuff.
(29:36)And if you want to true transformation, you do have to do the work. You got to do the deeper work. So are you ready to do that? I'm ready for you. I'm ready, queen. Because everybody deserves to feel peace. Can you imagine feeling peace internally no matter what the hell's going on outside of you, you got peace and then you got freedom on top of it. You don't have the old stories in your head. You don't have the low self-esteem anymore. You don't have the decision fatigue. You don't have the, am I crazy? Was that real or not real? You don't have all the questions all the time. It's exhausting. Get out of your head. Let's transform. Okay? Alright, go look at my signup link and I will see you on Thursday.

3 Quick Shifts for Co-Parenting Peace (When You're Dealing with a Narcissist)

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello Queens. It's ChristyJade here, and I am so excited for this episode. This co-parenting stuff is just, it is a hot topic right now. A lot of people needing this. So I decided I would do my Thrive in five this week related to it since I just did a whole episode on it Tuesday. If you missed it, go back. Listen to that, put in your saved episodes, listen to it later, but definitely catch that one. So if co-parenting is feeling like an emotional whiplash with a side of guilt, you're not alone, right? But today I am going to give you three quick but powerful mindset shifts to help you stay grounded, not get sucked into all their chaos, and try to parent as much as you can with peace, right? Even if they're not so peaceful. So we're going to try keep it as short as possible. Let's dive in.
(01:00)Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath, queen. This one's for you. All right? The old stop trying to be the bigger person all the time. This advice gets thrown around a lot, especially to women. But when you are dealing with a narcissist, they can use that against you. They will use that against you. So being the bigger person doesn't mean tolerating disrespect or avoiding boundaries. I'm the boundary queen. I love a good boundary. It means showing up with clarity. Calm, that's an important word here. Don't take that bait girls and values that protect your piece. So what does that look like? Instead of asking, how do I avoid upsetting them because we're sick of walking on the damn eggshells. That's why we're out of the situation.
(02:01)Try something like what actually honors my mental health and models, emotional safety for my child, what honors my mental health and models, the emotional safety for my kiddo? Two very important things. Alright? Number two is a big one. I just talked about this today in one of my sessions. Let go of the idea that you're working together, right? I know you want a functional co-parenting situation. Who doesn't? Of course, that would be great. But with a narcissist, it's not reality. You might need to hear it louder. I might need to scream it. I don't feel like screaming, but I'll repeat it with a narcissist. It is not reality to have a functional co-parenting situation. You are not in a partnership. You're basically, I mean, let's be honest, in damage control constantly. So what works better than that? Parallel parenting. Have you heard of this? It's structured communication.
(03:10)Very, very clear limits. A K, a boundaries and no fantasy of getting on the same page. You know what the good news is? You'll never be on the same page with a narcissist. That's actually good news because their pages suck. Okay? So stop chasing connection with someone who literally is committed to chaos. They don't connect in the same way we do. They don't get on the same page. So you got to choose the clarity, choose the structure, right? Take the emotion out of it and choose you and your child's piece. The third shift, reframe their chaos. And I love this. I always think of it this way. It's noise, but it's background noise. It's not just noise. Let it be in the background when they start baiting you, which they do on text, guilt tripping you through your kids. Pause. Pause. Can we all get that tattooed all over our bodies?
(04:07)Pause. Breathe. Imagine their voice like static on a radio. It's like Charlie Brown's teacher. You don't have to tune in. That's the good thing. That's their radio station. You don't have to answer right away. I know you have the compulsion. You were conditioned to feel like you had to due to fear. We're going to stomp that fear. No, you do not have to answer right away. You don't have to answer at all unless it's related to the child's wellbeing or immediate situation with the child, right? So use the three question test. Maybe you should write some notes here on this one or save it and go back to it and write some notes if you're not in a place to, but this is a good one to write notes on. Three question, test one, is it about the child? I'm saying if they're coming to communicate to you and you don't want to deal with their noise, is it about the child first?
(05:09)Is it urgent? Three, does it truly require a response? If the answer is not a clear yes, breathe, it can wait or totally ghosted, I vote for ghosted if you can, right? Okay, so I know it's not easy. You are doing better than you think, though you are. You're here, right? And this situation, I want to say this. Can I bold my words? This situation does not need to control you. This situation does not need to control you. Your nervous system matters, right? So that's why we do the somatic stuff. All the somatic work. If you want to work with me one-on-one, I'll put link in my description of the podcast. Your boundaries matter. Oh, do you guys know? Also, I have a new boundaries pocket guide and it's free. I will put that for sure in the show notes too. All these things just keep, they think of all the things I can help you with.
(06:19)So excuse me, it's just so relevant. But the boundaries thing, I'm so excited. I just created this. It's a brand new thing. It's awesome. So go check it out and your piece matters. Your piece matters. Say it over and over. Make that an affirmation. Guys. Write it in lipstick on your mirror. So every time you look at your beautiful face, whether you're brushing your teeth or popping a pimpy, your piece matters. You can parent powerfully. Even if that other parent is toxic. Bad news bears, you still can, I promise. So like I said, if you want deeper support, I'll put the link there. You can go listen to the full episode of Tuesday's episode with setting Boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent. Start here, right? That's Tuesdays and I break it all down. There's some little scripts and boundary strategies that actually work with someone like this who we're talking about that dreaded narc. So find it all in the show notes, or you can search narcissistic abuse recovery. But if you're listening to this, you probably already found this stuff. You already found the goods. So you've got this. I believe in you. Do you believe in you? Hand on heart. Say, I believe in me, I'm a queen. Go ahead. I'm waiting louder.
(07:45)Oh, I did hear you. Alright, I will talk to you in the next episode. That's your Thrive in Five Queen. Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your piece like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment, and check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.