But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

What Not to Do When Co Parenting with a Narcissist

Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Mentioned Episode:
The Grey Rock Method:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist. Speaker 1: (00:40)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings. Speaker 1: (02:52)They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that. Speaker 1: (03:52)So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket. Speaker 1: (04:44)Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right? Speaker 1: (05:39)So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings. Speaker 1: (06:30)Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (07:22)You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court? Speaker 1: (08:19)Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate. Speaker 1: (09:15)And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right? Speaker 1: (10:04)So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon. Speaker 1: (10:50)By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer

It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
 
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
Join my free facebook group here:
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Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
All my current offers:
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34)Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42)Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40)Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34)And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27)I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

How to Stay Calm and in Control During Conversations with Narcissists

Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist? Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations.
mentioned episodes:
Episode 2 (about gaslighting and more)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-2-5-signs-of-toxic-people-and-how-to-get-rid/id1662241353?i=1000592070178
Episode 5 (Grey Rock Method_
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
 
SIGN UP TO FIND YOUR PATH TO PEACE!https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
 
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations. Speaker 1: (00:19)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all the fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)Look, I'm a big believer in people can change and grow, but narcissist not so much. It is basically like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 1% chance that they can. And I'm not here for waiting around and neither are you. So narcissists are constantly trying to find a way to control you. They do this by deflecting, making you feel like you're being unreasonable. And lighting, which I go into detail in an episode two if you're interested. So when you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, it can be hard to keep your cool and stay focused on the goal of the conversation or whatever you're trying to get across, right? Because they can make you feel like cuco, crazy cuco. But if the situation calls for it, there are four tips here that will help you keep control of the conversation. Number one, and this is a mantra of mine, don't take the bait. Speaker 1: (02:32)They want a fight. They want the power struggle. It's important to remember that a narcissist, they wanna win, right? It's their whole shtick. And the only way they can feel like they've won is what if you lose whoever they're talking to. So if you're in this conversation, they want you to lose. They're not gonna leave till you've lost. So don't take that bite bait. They can really wear you down. If you don't get into the power struggle with them. Their only option is to eventually walk away from the conversation, or I prefer to walk away from it myself, usually, right? So they will over time get sick of your lack of reaction. And that's called the Gray Rock Method, which I have a whole episode and I will put all relative, um, episodes in the show notes, the description of the podcast. So anyway, this is one of those moments where it's okay to not be nice and to not give anything away. Speaker 1: (03:26)You don't have to react emotionally or defensively and give them what they want. That is what they want, an emotional response from you that validates their feelings as being justified in some way, even though we know they're not, right? So this leads us to number two. Don't succumb to their demands. Set those boundaries and stick to them. The narcissist will try to guilt you into doing things for them. But don't let them set your boundaries. Stick to them. Be hardcore. Be that fierce queen. You are . You don't need to give an explanation. If they give pushback, just stand firm and just repeat whatever it is. No, I'm not comfortable doing that. Or no, I'm not going to do that. I need to go whatever it is. Um, hopefully you can have these conversations if you have to converse with them on the phone where it's easier to click and get away. Speaker 1: (04:17)If not, make sure you have a way to get out of a conversation with a narcissist in general. That is always a recommendation of mine. So stay in control of the conversation and if you need to leave it, leave it. Number three, do not talk about emotional things with them and do not get emotional. This is, this is one of the hardest things to do, especially when they're trying to manipulate and twist your mind all around. Okay? But it's important to remember they're not your friend. They don't care about you. That might be hard to hear if you're in the beginning phases of overcoming this, but they only care about themselves and how they look in front of others, right? The narcissist will try very hard to get a reaction out of you by saying something hurtful or offensive. Do not let them, if someone does something mean or insulting toward me, I tend to get upset at first cuz I may believe them, right? Speaker 1: (05:11)Like I'm an empath. We start to, we self-reflect. But with narcissist, you must realize this person doesn't actually care about your feelings. They care about making themselves feel better by getting under your skin and taking what control. So in order for us to not get sucked into this cycle of negativity over and over again, we need some self-control skills when dealing with narcissists. So do not talk about emotional things with them. Keep it very like surface level, okay? You're, you cannot trust them. They will use your emotions against you any opportunity. This includes sharing personal details. Even if they ask, you can just say, oh, I'm not gonna share that right now. Or, oh, I got just deflect. Get out of the situation. Or just if you can be firm with them, which I'm at that point, but I know it's hard in the beginning, but try to be as firm as you can and just say, you know, I'm not, I'm not comfortable sharing that information right now. Speaker 1: (06:10)Okay? And also, do not let them know how they make you feel. Don't say you've hurt me and you've done this. They don't care. And that's, that's again, giving them the control that they love and need. And it can backfire on you. So avoid any sort of emotional discussion and getting emotional. Save the tears for later in your bathtub and a bond bun. Number four, explain nothing. If you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, the best thing to do is give zero explanation for anything, even if they ask. They love to drag explanations out of people. If you're not succumbing to their needs, like we talked about, they're going to try to dig and they know you may be a people pleaser or an empath or just a normal human who doesn't wanna pa make people feel bad. So they will try to dig in there and get explanations out of you. Speaker 1: (07:05)And you need to, this is really you, where you need to stand your ground and not give any explanations. Keep your answers short and sweet or not sweet. That's okay too. You can save that sweetness for someone who deserves it. So you can be firm and direct and get out of the conversation as soon as possible. This is something just as a society especially, I don't know, in America, I am not, I can't speak for other countries, I don't live there, but I feel like we overexplain ourselves in general because we don't wanna make people feel bad. Like if we can't go to something, we sometimes will be like, well, I have this and that and that. And it's like this panic you feel like you have to explain. And my husband, who's the sweetest guy in the world, has said to me at, at times, like, why do you always feel like you have to explains so much? Speaker 1: (07:53)And I think that's part of my own trauma and my past with narcissist, um, relationship dynamic is I always had to explain, right? So we're done explaining queens, we're done explaining. This could be for narcissist, for anyone practice not explaining so much. Just saying, I'd love to but I can't make it. That's like for a regular example of RSVPing to somebody. Um, but then with a narcissist, they love, they love a detailed explanation so that they can actually use that against you and guilt trip you. So the shorter the no explanation, the better. Okay? All that being said, we're also human. So sometimes we may falter. In the beginning when I was, you know, getting out of a narcissistic situation, I, I was building my strength, I was getting confident, I was setting boundaries. I would falter sometimes. So don't beat yourself up, right? But remember that your feelings aren't the problem when you're dealing with a narcissist, it can be really tempting to think your reactions are what's causing the situation to escalate and get outta hand. Speaker 1: (09:02)This is often not true at all. Narcissists have this like, innate ability to push our buttons and make us feel small. It's part of their charm. So, or so they think, right? In reality though, there's nothing wrong with your emotions. They're just a natural response to their weird behavior . So try not to judge yourself too harshly when things may have gotten heated in the past or if you lose control for a moment now or moving forward. But now you have these tips to generally keep yourself calm and in control. So just to recap, do not take the bait. They want that fight. Don't get sucked in. Don't succumb to their demand. Set your boundaries. Do not talk about emotional things. Do not get emotional and explain absolutely nothing to them, right? Right. Ladies, you are amazing. You are fierce. And dang girl, you look good. All right. You got this queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot www.christyJade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!

Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
RELATED LINKS:
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1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:43)First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down. Speaker 1: (02:32)It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic. Speaker 1: (03:22)I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care. Speaker 1: (04:13)I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to. Speaker 1: (04:53)We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either. Speaker 1: (05:54)It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak? Speaker 1: (06:44)I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low. Speaker 1: (07:36)So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace? Speaker 1: (08:26)Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system. Speaker 1: (09:18)You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:07)But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean? Speaker 1: (10:58)We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that. Speaker 1: (11:44)I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Use The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins to Get Motivated!

Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
Speaker 1: (00:00), is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be. Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse. Speaker 1: (02:35)So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever. Speaker 1: (03:33)Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you. Speaker 1: (04:29)And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.

5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse

Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
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All my current offers!
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1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30)So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28)So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14)Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13)But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02)Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55)Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50)That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33)So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22)And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05)I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55)The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44)Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37)Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse

Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34)What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20)So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11)So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05)But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55)I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46)I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44)Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.

Things I did to Start My Healing Journey From Abuse Journey Narcissistic Abuse Recovery for Women

Hey Queens!
In today's episode, we will talk about 5 things that helped me heal more quickly in my narcissistic abuse recovery. 
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TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. I'm so excited you are here. Today we're gonna talk about five things to do at the start of your healing from abuse journey. So whether you are in it and trying to claw your way out, or you are kind of on the other side and starting to heal, or you've been on the outside for a little bit, but still feeling like you just have a lot of work to do. These are some of the things, some tips that I myself did at the beginning of my journey and wanna share with you all. Speaker 1: (00:38)Hey friends, welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Speaker 1: (01:31)Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. So we're touching on some basic tips today. Sometimes when we're in abusive situations or even after leaving them, we don't really see just how abusive they were or are and just what a huge effect they can have on us. We're so used to having the finger pointed at us, can I get a amen? Can I get a what, what ? That? We sometimes do the same thing to ourselves so we can blame ourselves. Think we aren't worthy, feel hopeless in the end, right? But I have good news. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You are valuable, you're worthy, you're loved, and there is hope. So when I was still in my abusive situation, it, I just didn't realize it was actually even abuse. Speaker 1: (02:29)Like I wouldn't even say that word. I was kind of in denial about it. Uh, it was kind of all I knew and I thought it was just how life was. It actually took a friend of mine who saw it with her own eyes. It took her letting me know that this was like not normal at all. Her reaction finally shook me into being like, oh, this ain't right, . So it still took years for me to get brave enough to remove this person from my life and a while after that, just to see how deep the damage was. And during the abuse, I felt crazy, right? You're questioning yourself and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. And afterwards, I continued to question myself. That is something that I didn't expect. I kind of, once I got out of the situation, felt relief. Speaker 1: (03:22)But something I realized that could happen was questioning myself, getting guilt and harassed by the abuser, which I eventually totally cut off and then guilted by other people. Okay? And that was tough, and I hope you cannot relate to that, but I know many of you will be able to, and I'm going to do an entire episode on this because this was heart wrenching and like blew my world up when it happened because it felt just so isolating and just I finally felt relief and then immediately was getting guilt from family members, uh, multiple, multiple family members, aka a his enablers, um, told me I was ruining the family. I needed to fix things. And that basically I, I was the problem, right? I had to fix this problem and it was on me. Not that he was abusive, right? That was just him. That's still, that's just him, right? Speaker 1: (04:21)Very dismissive. So again, we're getting into the whole dismissive part we talked about in this last episode, and it can run in families. These traits can run in family members and you might see those patterns. So we won't get too far into that, but I wanted to mention that to you just because that is part of the healing journey you may have to deal with as well. I remember, I mean, ugly crying, like nobody needs to see that face, that mascara running, that just the ugly cry, ugly crying on the bathroom floor. One day after I told one family member that I was going to get a restraining order on the abuser and they said I could not do that to him. That's where we need a whole episode, because that is so backwards and messed up. And we are the ones, the victims who should be protected. Speaker 1: (05:13)And when the abuser is protected, it really is heart-wrenching. And unless you experience it, you don't know. But if you know, you know, and you're with me and you're feeling it, and it, it's not a good feeling, but we're gonna touch all that. So after that, I, I went straight to therapy. I was like laying on the couch, hand me the tissues because I've gotta be strong and I need support. So I got some help and started, you know, going in the right direction, being strong. And here's just some of the things that, the tools that I got from my therapist and just kind of doing my own research and my own coping mechanisms, if you will, . But there were five things, there were a lot of things, but the five things that I wanted to share today that I, I did in the beginning of my healing journey was first recognizing the bigness of it because it was way bigger than I realized. Speaker 1: (06:06)Not just the the actual abuse, but the actual healing and the damage that had been done. So you might need to take a minute to really recognize like this is a big deal and validate yourself. Get validation from someone you trust close to you. Like with my husband, I had to talk to him about it, um, and my best friend and I had a good support system. And I also, like I said, I got a therapist, um, because not even my husband or my best friend had been through what I had and my therapist did go through abuse herself. So I felt like she could really get it. And giving yourself grace, knowing this is huge and this, it might take me some time and, and I might take a step back or I might have really hard days, but you're going to keep moving forward. Speaker 1: (06:54)You just keep strong. Number two, journaling the out of my experience, basically, which was tough. This is not fun. This is not for the fan of heart, but actually pen to paper, I take it back, no pen to paper. I put it in my computer where I could lock it up and nobody could see it, where I just journaled my experience and what happened. And that was truly therapeutic for me. I did shed some tears. It was hard to write it out, to say it out loud to even though it was to myself saying things out loud that I never really reflected on, I didn't wanna think about. Um, and that's something you can do in therapy if you feel like you need more support. I did a lot of it on my own, but I also talked to my therapist about some of it. Speaker 1: (07:41)But with her, I focused on, I like to go forward and, and, you know, start from now. So I did a lot of the other work that digging work myself, but it's up to you how you handle and what you can deal with. Everybody's totally different. So journaling though is very therapeutic, so I highly suggest that. Number three, yoga. Funny story. I did hip hop dance my whole life. Yep. I'm gangsta. Me and Snoop doing it up. Um, I hated anything slow. I I quit ballet. It was too slow. I did yoga little I tried in my twenties and was just like, this is slow. I'm bored. But I knew that I had to kind of reset my nervous system. Your nervous system after abuse gets shook. I'm telling you, if you give yoga a chance, and part of it is I think we're just not used to that much calm and it's freaky give yoga a chance. Speaker 1: (08:42)They do have hot yoga and faster yoga. I was like, I'm going for the slowest yoga I can do. I did yin yoga, I still danced, so it's not like I gave that up. I did dance, but I also knew I need something really calming. Asa did meditation. So the yoga was called yin yoga. Now I loved it so much. I teach it and it is amazing. It takes some getting used to, to slow down that much if you're not used to it, but it truly calms your nervous system. So give it a chance. Let, don't just try it once or twice. Really try to do it for a month and you'll, you'll see the benefits and you'll wanna continue. And like I said, meditation as well. Something calming. Alright, surrounding yourself, sorry. Number four, surrounding yourself with healthy, positive people. Okay, this one's huge. Speaker 1: (09:37)A lot of us who have dramatic upbringings or just, you know, kind of chaotic environments or we used to fast paced this and that and, you know, some abusive chaos, whatever you wanna call it, also tend to attract people that are dramatic or are in similar situations. Um, we can attract each other. I found that I had chosen some friends that I had to walk on eggshells around or were controlling, right? So I had to really evaluate who I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with and adjust accordingly. Basically, I did remove a couple of friends from my life after realizing that I wasn't being treated as well as I would like. I'm not saying you gotta go hack off all your friendships. Um, I had specific situations where it became prominent that it just wasn't a good fit for friendship anymore and good luck. Speaker 1: (10:41)No bad feelings, but I just had to distance myself hopefully. And I also had some great friends that I had and I still have, and hopefully you have some great people to surround yourself with, but let's go through what healthy positive people look like. And this did leave more room in my life for those people. So people that are not gossipers, that are not always talking about other people, that's, that's healthy, right? Talking about growth and happy things. And I mean, it could be a surface level of just talking about, you know, fun things like what movies you're watching are going shopping together. And then there are the people that you can lean on each other, but it's not always so heavy or gossipy, right? So it needs to be a good balanced person that you have in your life. Multiple people and people that really lift you up, right? Speaker 1: (11:35)The cheerleader types. I have a couple people in my life that I mean are, are really like cheerleaders for me. And it felt really weird at first because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being criticized a lot and it was so refreshing but also felt almost uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. Definitely surround yourself with uplifting cheerleader type people that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Cuz it, we deserve it. this last one. Super simple, but that's okay. Like we need simple guys. We need simple. After all the we've been through, we deserve simple, positive affirmations. You've probably heard it, maybe it sounds hokey. I don't care. It's simple and it actually works. This is something I did right away on my journey. I actually recorded my own voice saying, I mean I probably had 25 positive affirmations going on in the beginning of all this. Speaker 1: (12:39)Um, and if you need help setting up some affirmations or you want some of mine, I have some I can send to you. So write me at fierce mama. See gmail.com. Fierce mama see gmail.com. This is all in the show notes, always, um, all my information. So positive affirmations, it really does help you rewire your brain. Yes, you, you know, doing the other work and the therapy and all the things helps, but I found they really, really did help me every morning and every night I would play on, it was just on my iPhone, on my memo notes there, whatever you call 'em, the little voice recording. And I would listen to it right when I woke up and then right before I went to sleep every night, sometimes I'd fall asleep. I'd put it like on a loop and it really did have an impact because the first thing you do when you wake up, you can start going into negative thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (13:34)So replacing that with positive thoughts. And then same thing, your mind could be spinning at night, right? You have all these swirling to-do lists on top of this negative self-talk you may have from the abuse. And replacing that, being forced to listen to positive affirmations really help me and I know it'll help you too. Another thing, if you're a God person, which I am, praise him, go jc. prayer really helped, it's helped me on this journey. It's helped me in everything in my life. I always say like the, the closer I am to God, I've had phases or I've always been close and pray. And, but when I'm like really talking to God here and there throughout the day, having my little side note prayers and morning and night maybe, um, doing devotionals. When I'm in those like really heavy God seasons of my life, which should be always, I get it, but you know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (14:32)That is when I feel the best and I thrive even more in my life. So big props to the big g o d. If you're a God person, if you're a universe person, whatever, I don't, I don't care what it is. Your higher power that you believe in, lean on, lean on that it is there for that reason. And I, I couldn't have gotten through that journey without not just God, but also having faith. Just having faith that yes, I've been through this, but I'm strong enough to get through this and I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk this path and believe that this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not. And I'm gonna be in a better place soon. So those are my little tips for you that I, as you know, some of the things like I said that I did to help myself and got me through. Speaker 1: (15:31)And if you have questions or comments, like I said, you can email me fiercemamac@gmail.com And I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and dueces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
 
 

The Cycle of Abuse and How to Avoid Getting Into an Abusive Relationship Again | Narcissistic Abuse Healing

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Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:23)So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship. Speaker 1: (02:16)It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay? Speaker 1: (03:02)That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. Speaker 1: (04:07)I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right? Speaker 1: (05:05)It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens? Speaker 1: (05:54)We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm. Speaker 1: (06:44)Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people? Speaker 1: (07:39)We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it. Speaker 1: (08:35)Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict? Speaker 1: (09:27)Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right? Speaker 1: (10:18)Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control. Speaker 1: (11:08)That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family. Speaker 1: (11:57)That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. Speaker 1: (12:42)You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships. Speaker 1: (13:34)And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.