But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing
Find Peace and Freedom after Narcissistic Abuse Are you feeling lost after breaking free from a toxic relationship? Are you afraid you will get sucked back in, whether it is with the same narcissist or a new one? Are you ready to finally live in peace? In this podcast, you will find healing methods and coping solutions to set you free from narcissistic abuse and its effects. My mission is to equip you to become strong and free through confidence building, proven healing methods and finding peace. If you’re ready to say yes to thriving after abuse and stop chasing everything that hasn’t worked for a plan that will- you’re in the right place! Hey, I’m Christy. A mom, wife and a ruthless narcissist avoider! For years of my life, I went to therapists that didn’t understand narcissism, read generic abuse recovery books and tried things that didn’t help me truly disconnect and break the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I wasted money on tools that didn’t give me lasting results. I finally realized that if I was going to truly disconnect and heal, I had to understand narcissists’ minds and the effects on their victims. After years of education and endless conversations with victims of narcissistic abuse, I created a perfect plan to not just disconnect fully from the current narcissists in my life, but to avoid getting sucked in by future ones, while creating healthy boundaries and healing from the effects of abuse. A life of thriving, not just surviving. And I am ready to share it all with you! If you are a professional woman ready to finally find a clear cut plan to stop the cycle and heal from narcissistic abuse -effective solutions that have results that are undeniable: like a peaceful night’s sleep, decreased overwhelm, and unshakable confidence, then this podcast is for you! Grab that mocha latte, it’s time to dive in. Wanna work together, queen? Let’s chat! https://christyjade.com/work-with-me/ FREE 4 MINUTE MEDITATION to start your day with joy and calm: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider Let’s hang out! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/ Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989 YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/ChristyJade TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercechristyjade Email me! fiercemamac@gmail.com
Episodes
Tuesday Apr 02, 2024
Tuesday Apr 02, 2024
Hey Queens!
In today's episode, we will talk about 5 things that helped me heal more quickly in my narcissistic abuse recovery.
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Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
Journey to Peace Coaching Call and Blueprint
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
She Thrives Transformational Coaching - Monthly
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
Queens of Peace Coaching Program MINUS Voxer
Self Paced Boundaries Course:
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
#NOTMYSHIT JOURNAL: 5 minutes a day to giving zero effs about the things you shouldn't
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation:
Quick Morning Meditation
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
Affirmations
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
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Let's connect on social media!
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TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. I'm so excited you are here. Today we're gonna talk about five things to do at the start of your healing from abuse journey. So whether you are in it and trying to claw your way out, or you are kind of on the other side and starting to heal, or you've been on the outside for a little bit, but still feeling like you just have a lot of work to do. These are some of the things, some tips that I myself did at the beginning of my journey and wanna share with you all. Speaker 1: (00:38)Hey friends, welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Speaker 1: (01:31)Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. So we're touching on some basic tips today. Sometimes when we're in abusive situations or even after leaving them, we don't really see just how abusive they were or are and just what a huge effect they can have on us. We're so used to having the finger pointed at us, can I get a amen? Can I get a what, what ? That? We sometimes do the same thing to ourselves so we can blame ourselves. Think we aren't worthy, feel hopeless in the end, right? But I have good news. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You are valuable, you're worthy, you're loved, and there is hope. So when I was still in my abusive situation, it, I just didn't realize it was actually even abuse. Speaker 1: (02:29)Like I wouldn't even say that word. I was kind of in denial about it. Uh, it was kind of all I knew and I thought it was just how life was. It actually took a friend of mine who saw it with her own eyes. It took her letting me know that this was like not normal at all. Her reaction finally shook me into being like, oh, this ain't right, . So it still took years for me to get brave enough to remove this person from my life and a while after that, just to see how deep the damage was. And during the abuse, I felt crazy, right? You're questioning yourself and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. And afterwards, I continued to question myself. That is something that I didn't expect. I kind of, once I got out of the situation, felt relief. Speaker 1: (03:22)But something I realized that could happen was questioning myself, getting guilt and harassed by the abuser, which I eventually totally cut off and then guilted by other people. Okay? And that was tough, and I hope you cannot relate to that, but I know many of you will be able to, and I'm going to do an entire episode on this because this was heart wrenching and like blew my world up when it happened because it felt just so isolating and just I finally felt relief and then immediately was getting guilt from family members, uh, multiple, multiple family members, aka a his enablers, um, told me I was ruining the family. I needed to fix things. And that basically I, I was the problem, right? I had to fix this problem and it was on me. Not that he was abusive, right? That was just him. That's still, that's just him, right? Speaker 1: (04:21)Very dismissive. So again, we're getting into the whole dismissive part we talked about in this last episode, and it can run in families. These traits can run in family members and you might see those patterns. So we won't get too far into that, but I wanted to mention that to you just because that is part of the healing journey you may have to deal with as well. I remember, I mean, ugly crying, like nobody needs to see that face, that mascara running, that just the ugly cry, ugly crying on the bathroom floor. One day after I told one family member that I was going to get a restraining order on the abuser and they said I could not do that to him. That's where we need a whole episode, because that is so backwards and messed up. And we are the ones, the victims who should be protected. Speaker 1: (05:13)And when the abuser is protected, it really is heart-wrenching. And unless you experience it, you don't know. But if you know, you know, and you're with me and you're feeling it, and it, it's not a good feeling, but we're gonna touch all that. So after that, I, I went straight to therapy. I was like laying on the couch, hand me the tissues because I've gotta be strong and I need support. So I got some help and started, you know, going in the right direction, being strong. And here's just some of the things that, the tools that I got from my therapist and just kind of doing my own research and my own coping mechanisms, if you will, . But there were five things, there were a lot of things, but the five things that I wanted to share today that I, I did in the beginning of my healing journey was first recognizing the bigness of it because it was way bigger than I realized. Speaker 1: (06:06)Not just the the actual abuse, but the actual healing and the damage that had been done. So you might need to take a minute to really recognize like this is a big deal and validate yourself. Get validation from someone you trust close to you. Like with my husband, I had to talk to him about it, um, and my best friend and I had a good support system. And I also, like I said, I got a therapist, um, because not even my husband or my best friend had been through what I had and my therapist did go through abuse herself. So I felt like she could really get it. And giving yourself grace, knowing this is huge and this, it might take me some time and, and I might take a step back or I might have really hard days, but you're going to keep moving forward. Speaker 1: (06:54)You just keep strong. Number two, journaling the out of my experience, basically, which was tough. This is not fun. This is not for the fan of heart, but actually pen to paper, I take it back, no pen to paper. I put it in my computer where I could lock it up and nobody could see it, where I just journaled my experience and what happened. And that was truly therapeutic for me. I did shed some tears. It was hard to write it out, to say it out loud to even though it was to myself saying things out loud that I never really reflected on, I didn't wanna think about. Um, and that's something you can do in therapy if you feel like you need more support. I did a lot of it on my own, but I also talked to my therapist about some of it. Speaker 1: (07:41)But with her, I focused on, I like to go forward and, and, you know, start from now. So I did a lot of the other work that digging work myself, but it's up to you how you handle and what you can deal with. Everybody's totally different. So journaling though is very therapeutic, so I highly suggest that. Number three, yoga. Funny story. I did hip hop dance my whole life. Yep. I'm gangsta. Me and Snoop doing it up. Um, I hated anything slow. I I quit ballet. It was too slow. I did yoga little I tried in my twenties and was just like, this is slow. I'm bored. But I knew that I had to kind of reset my nervous system. Your nervous system after abuse gets shook. I'm telling you, if you give yoga a chance, and part of it is I think we're just not used to that much calm and it's freaky give yoga a chance. Speaker 1: (08:42)They do have hot yoga and faster yoga. I was like, I'm going for the slowest yoga I can do. I did yin yoga, I still danced, so it's not like I gave that up. I did dance, but I also knew I need something really calming. Asa did meditation. So the yoga was called yin yoga. Now I loved it so much. I teach it and it is amazing. It takes some getting used to, to slow down that much if you're not used to it, but it truly calms your nervous system. So give it a chance. Let, don't just try it once or twice. Really try to do it for a month and you'll, you'll see the benefits and you'll wanna continue. And like I said, meditation as well. Something calming. Alright, surrounding yourself, sorry. Number four, surrounding yourself with healthy, positive people. Okay, this one's huge. Speaker 1: (09:37)A lot of us who have dramatic upbringings or just, you know, kind of chaotic environments or we used to fast paced this and that and, you know, some abusive chaos, whatever you wanna call it, also tend to attract people that are dramatic or are in similar situations. Um, we can attract each other. I found that I had chosen some friends that I had to walk on eggshells around or were controlling, right? So I had to really evaluate who I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with and adjust accordingly. Basically, I did remove a couple of friends from my life after realizing that I wasn't being treated as well as I would like. I'm not saying you gotta go hack off all your friendships. Um, I had specific situations where it became prominent that it just wasn't a good fit for friendship anymore and good luck. Speaker 1: (10:41)No bad feelings, but I just had to distance myself hopefully. And I also had some great friends that I had and I still have, and hopefully you have some great people to surround yourself with, but let's go through what healthy positive people look like. And this did leave more room in my life for those people. So people that are not gossipers, that are not always talking about other people, that's, that's healthy, right? Talking about growth and happy things. And I mean, it could be a surface level of just talking about, you know, fun things like what movies you're watching are going shopping together. And then there are the people that you can lean on each other, but it's not always so heavy or gossipy, right? So it needs to be a good balanced person that you have in your life. Multiple people and people that really lift you up, right? Speaker 1: (11:35)The cheerleader types. I have a couple people in my life that I mean are, are really like cheerleaders for me. And it felt really weird at first because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being criticized a lot and it was so refreshing but also felt almost uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. Definitely surround yourself with uplifting cheerleader type people that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Cuz it, we deserve it. this last one. Super simple, but that's okay. Like we need simple guys. We need simple. After all the we've been through, we deserve simple, positive affirmations. You've probably heard it, maybe it sounds hokey. I don't care. It's simple and it actually works. This is something I did right away on my journey. I actually recorded my own voice saying, I mean I probably had 25 positive affirmations going on in the beginning of all this. Speaker 1: (12:39)Um, and if you need help setting up some affirmations or you want some of mine, I have some I can send to you. So write me at fierce mama. See gmail.com. Fierce mama see gmail.com. This is all in the show notes, always, um, all my information. So positive affirmations, it really does help you rewire your brain. Yes, you, you know, doing the other work and the therapy and all the things helps, but I found they really, really did help me every morning and every night I would play on, it was just on my iPhone, on my memo notes there, whatever you call 'em, the little voice recording. And I would listen to it right when I woke up and then right before I went to sleep every night, sometimes I'd fall asleep. I'd put it like on a loop and it really did have an impact because the first thing you do when you wake up, you can start going into negative thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (13:34)So replacing that with positive thoughts. And then same thing, your mind could be spinning at night, right? You have all these swirling to-do lists on top of this negative self-talk you may have from the abuse. And replacing that, being forced to listen to positive affirmations really help me and I know it'll help you too. Another thing, if you're a God person, which I am, praise him, go jc. prayer really helped, it's helped me on this journey. It's helped me in everything in my life. I always say like the, the closer I am to God, I've had phases or I've always been close and pray. And, but when I'm like really talking to God here and there throughout the day, having my little side note prayers and morning and night maybe, um, doing devotionals. When I'm in those like really heavy God seasons of my life, which should be always, I get it, but you know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (14:32)That is when I feel the best and I thrive even more in my life. So big props to the big g o d. If you're a God person, if you're a universe person, whatever, I don't, I don't care what it is. Your higher power that you believe in, lean on, lean on that it is there for that reason. And I, I couldn't have gotten through that journey without not just God, but also having faith. Just having faith that yes, I've been through this, but I'm strong enough to get through this and I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk this path and believe that this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not. And I'm gonna be in a better place soon. So those are my little tips for you that I, as you know, some of the things like I said that I did to help myself and got me through. Speaker 1: (15:31)And if you have questions or comments, like I said, you can email me fiercemamac@gmail.com And I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and dueces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
Tuesday Mar 26, 2024
Tuesday Mar 26, 2024
Hey Queens!
Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
-------
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
Journey to Peace Coaching Call and Blueprint
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
She Thrives Transformational Coaching - Monthly
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
Queens of Peace Coaching Program MINUS Voxer
Self Paced Boundaries Course:
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
#NOTMYSHIT JOURNAL: 5 minutes a day to giving zero effs about the things you shouldn't
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation:
Quick Morning Meditation
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
Affirmations
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:23)So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship. Speaker 1: (02:16)It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay? Speaker 1: (03:02)That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. Speaker 1: (04:07)I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right? Speaker 1: (05:05)It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens? Speaker 1: (05:54)We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm. Speaker 1: (06:44)Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people? Speaker 1: (07:39)We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it. Speaker 1: (08:35)Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict? Speaker 1: (09:27)Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right? Speaker 1: (10:18)Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control. Speaker 1: (11:08)That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family. Speaker 1: (11:57)That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. Speaker 1: (12:42)You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships. Speaker 1: (13:34)And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
Tuesday Mar 19, 2024
Tuesday Mar 19, 2024
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Hey Queens!
Are you technically 'out' of a toxic situation / relationship but not able to fully disconnect or keep getting dragged back in? In today's episode, we will talk about 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Hello queens, are you technically out of a relationship with a toxic person that could be a spouse? It could be a romantic partner in general friendship. Maybe it's a family member, are you out of that relationship, but not feeling totally disconnected? Maybe they won't let you. Here are five ways abusers keep connected, and how to mitigate them, drawing you back in. All right. So you were an object to them, something that they initially desired. So now they believe you belong to them. Okay. It's you probably know a lot of abusers are possessive over their victims. And they don't want anyone else to have you. They don't want you to move on. So even if you're technically away, they'll still try to have you connected to them in some way, they need that for their own power. Right? It's not about you. I know. No one wants to hear that. But I'm not here to fluff it up, as you know, right. It's not about how special you are. It's about them having control, then validating themselves, then getting admiration and love or any type of googoo and gaga over them and reassurance it's all about them. So don't forget that as we head into going over all of the lovely ways they tried to keep you and what you can do to mitigate that hey friends welcome to the but still she thrives podcast I'm Christie date adoring wife, adoptive mama empowerment coach and Queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you're sick of feeling not good enough questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no. And the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You want to feel confident take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that Venti Mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I want to help you that is what I am here for it is my specialty. And I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. It's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there. And you can sign up over at bit.ly/first coachingcall. I would love to help you.Okay, so let's dive in number one hoovering. It is just what it sounds like it is vacuuming, you back up in these ways. So first love bombing, okay, so that's one of their go to things. It's, you know, it works on a lot of victims who are empathetic, who are loving and nurturing. Because when they feel love, they give love, right? If you're one of those people, you know, and they can suck you in, by showering you with love with presence with all the good feelings and suck you back in. Part of hoovering can also be this is a tougher one. But feigning crisis, basically, faking a crisis may be really causing a crisis. And that can go as deep and as dark as suicide attempts, or faking suicide attempts can be a tactic. Another is smear campaigns, smear campaigns is when you have gotten away from them. And they have no control over you anymore, you've really released. And so they are going to try to smear your name to other people, they will lie about you, they will expose things about you you didn't want exposed. And this is all in order to suck up all of your time, energy and attention. So the trick, which is a hard thing, and for me in the beginning was very hard for me, because I'm a good person. And let's say with the smear campaign, which actually happened that turned into me being like, like, oh goodness, I have to defend my name right? Like I have to defend my name this stuff isn't true. And that does take up time and energy. So I've gotten to a point in general where you have to let it go and trust that the people that love you and know you will not believe the smear campaign. So that's just in reference to that and the other things, obviously are a little harder with things such as the faking crisis and love bombing, but we'll get to mitigating at the end of this episode. Number two telling you you are soulmates meant to be together. They just make you feel so special and that's so sweet. No, it's bullshit is what it is okay. They will make broken promises, which you've probably already experienced, but somehow they brainwash you into forgetting those broken promises, and you somehow still have hope that they will keep their promises. They've come around, they'll change, right? But they will make you feel needed. And here's the kicker, guys, when you are someone like us who has probably become codependent on an abuser, you want to feel needed by them. And yes, that's not healthy, kind of twisted. But let's all be very, very transparent here. We're very transparent here on this podcast. Okay? So we want to feel needed to a lot of people want to feel needed, you know, to a point, we might have a little unhealthier version of that where with this specific person, especially, we want to feel needed, and we want to feel special, and they know how to turn it over. And yeah, they'll abuse you make you feel like crap, but they're gonna switch that over and make you feel real good and real special as well. Right. So that's part of the codependency, which we will tap into in another episode. So you're attracted to feeling important and needed. And in a healthy relationship. Let's make this very crystal clear. Okay, I'm in one now. So I know the difference. Okay. You will feel true love and nice treatment during the relationship consistently. Okay? Not when the narcissist or abuser needs their fill, not when they need the attention, not when they're just desperate to get you back under their control. Okay, a healthy relationship does not look like that a healthy relationship, whether it is a friendship, whether it is like I'm talking about with me and my husband, it feels loving, it feels uplifting, you might have your shit, nobody's perfect. But you are consistently reassured and feel good about your relationship and feel loved. And don't have to walk on eggshells. If you have not listened to episode two, you can refer back to that to see the different signs of a toxic person. If you haven't checked that out, go check it out after this one. Number three, they will tell you you can't do this on your own. You need me they kind of go back to that knowledge of knowing you want to feel needed and loved right. And they will get into that vulnerable spot and dance around in it. Oh, let me be here for you. Right, they're going to kind of twist it into this, maybe let me be helpful. You can lean on me, they may say, Oh, I'm just gonna be here for you as a friend I understand. Right. So they can drag you back in by playing with your heartstrings in that way, knowing that you are in a very vulnerable place. They know exactly what to say and do okay, these people, I don't know if I want to call them as smart. But they're calculated right? So they know exactly how to get you in, they know those soft spots you have they've already brainwashed you while you were in the relationship. And they are trying to regain that control again. Again, it's not about them truly wanting to be with you. It is always about their need for control. Can we take a minute right there because when you realize that it's tough, it's hard. No one wants to think that. But it does eventually make it easier to get out of their grip knowing that number four, they will blame you and try convincing you that you cause them caused them to act a certain way. Okay, I'm sure you're familiar with this, if you have been through abuse, I would say 99.9% have been blamed. Okay, we're gonna throw it in 100% and if you could just be less sensitive, right? Does this sound familiar? If you could just be more understanding or patient? If you just weren't so crazy, your relationship would be fine. You guys would be fine. This is you. Right? So they are going to point their finger at you and say look, if you can get your shit together I'll take you back we can make this work I want it to work I know we're meant to be can go back to that right by the way, a lot of these reasons are stacked together in their in their plan to get you back right. So this is a big part of it. The blaming, you know the they blame you during the relationship but they will still blame you after and spin it in a way to try to steal convince you that you're at fault. So if you can just fix you and work on you, they'll even take you back and that's sweet of them. So sweet. So sweet. Okay, number five. They will check if they can gain control by sending what we call breadcrumbs that they can customize to your liking. Okay, so you're probably familiar with this if you're on the other side. Then throwing some little breadcrumbs at you. These include funny inside joke, little memes GIFs. If you're are a funny person, they're gonna throw in the funny stuff you love donuts, maybe you'll see a nice fresh box of Krispy Kremes on your doorstep with a little heart on it. So sweet. Not so sweet and the donuts are sweet. I'll say that. But the intentions behind the donuts are not sweet again, they are selfish and controlling. Do you guys have a little love song? Don't be surprised if that shows up in your text message, a little link to your song with maybe a little sad face or a little heart, they are going to get in to your vulnerable spots your emotions because odds are your sweet person, you're an empath. You have a big heart and they know that. So now these things are appearing on your text tugging at your little empathetic heartstrings and it's all a not good motivation that is leading that it is not because they value you. It's because they are trying to control you. Okay, so what do we do with all this? There's no, actually I think there is one one answer. However, it's not always that cut and dry. As you know, when you're dealing with abusers, especially anyone who's violent, it goes deep. So please send in any questions. Again, fierce mama see@gmail.com If you have specific questions, because this is always going to be an over arching general, you know, tips and answers on how to deal with the abusive situations. But sometimes we can get into more specifics if you write to me yourself with a question. So there are ways to mitigate these things. I will always scream from the mountaintops, the number one way to avoid getting sucked in is to completely cut them off, you're out of the situation, cut them off. I know. Again, I will go back to if you are somebody who has children together your co parenting, not as easy okay? This though is the long run easiest way listen to episode two again for more information on that. So another very successful mitigation against all of these is what we call the gray rock method. I will go into this method in detail. I think I'll probably have its own little cute episode tied up with a little red bow because it's one of my favorite things that I learned through my own journey. What is it? What's a gray rock method? It is exactly what it sounds for. I love it Hoover and Greg rock, it's not rocket science.You sit there like a damn rock, you don't respond you do not take the bait. You don't soak it in, that's probably the hardest part to not let it in. But most importantly first step is ignoring don't let them get to you Don't take the bait This is a harder long term because they do not give up quickly. These are some very stubborn mofos out here and they can beat you down you can get beaten down manipulated mine screwed. And next thing you know you're just meeting them as friends for coffee. No, don't meet them for coffee. If you can't completely cut them off ignore whatever you can if you are in a legal situation co parenting you make it a written statement they are only to contact you regarding the children you know have a history you can get restraining orders with specifics I believe I will have experts on here to discuss this stuff further. But there needs to be boundaries in place. Okay. Again, my suggestion is run do not walk to the nearest emotional exit and regain your peace if you do not have that option. I mean legally or whatever if there is truly no other option than cutting off because that's my number one then the gray rock method is what you do you ignore anything that let's say again isn't relative to you know, swapping the kids on the weekend or whatever you have to do. If this is just somebody you're having a hard time disconnecting to really sit with this episode, maybe listen to it a couple of times and write out what is hard and what you can do during that time. Let's say you're having trouble because they are smear campaigning you how can you get support, right? Tell someone close to ignore their smear block them. If they have people on let's say your social media, and they're contacting you I know this stuff actually happens I have clients who are bombarded by family members who have been lied to block them you've got to not let all the crazy in you have to put a block on it and protect yourself you know your truth the people who are important in your life who love you and know you are going to believe you and I get that can be hard. But I will say from my own experience all the people even people who were lied to even just convinced that I was the one in the wrong I was breaking up the family which makes zero sense. Even those people came around essentially. So have faith and trust. That's another thing Being I know God person if you're a god person, pray and have faith and ask God for guidance. If not, if you're like you how the moon at night cool I love a good wolf Full Moon there was just one the other night. Beautiful you can you can talk to your moon, your Moon Shadow all your spirit guides and say I need some help. Or you can just talk to human, your bestie a therapist, a life coach like myself, find support. This is a very, very hard road but you're on it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're doing something about it. And that's the first step and I'm very proud of you. And don't forget that you deserve love. You deserve a happy life and not just skating by not just getting by not surviving but you deserve to thrive. I will leave you with that. I love you. I see you and don't forget your Smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling competent, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do. This is my specialty. It's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you want to grab a call with me I am offering $20 off of the first call. And there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over at bit.ly/first coachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been let's chat.
Tuesday Mar 12, 2024
Tuesday Mar 12, 2024
Hey Queens!
In a situation with a Narcissist and can't seem to navigate how to handle the situation? If you cannot go no contact with this abusive person, the next best thing is what is called, "The Grey Rock Method" and this episode is dedicated entirely to it. Because it is that good and effective! Make sure to save this episode, as you surely refer back to it.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. So you've tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today's episode, we're going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven't already, and for this episode, trust me, you're going to want to save it and go back to it again and again. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey friends, welcome to the But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christty, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say now, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at Bit.ly/firstcoachingcalll. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:50)So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it's your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can't let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It's just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person. Speaker 1: (02:45)Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let's say you're in conflict, it's normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you're having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we're all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up. Speaker 1: (03:42)The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn't come from defeat though, but power, and that's what I love about it. It doesn't come from this just, gosh, I'm so just, ugh, I just can't do this anymore. I'm wrecked, I'm tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It's intentional. You're not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won't give them the supply they seek, that's when it gets good. Speaker 1: (04:41)It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they're being ignored or they're not getting what they often seek, right? They're not getting that emotional response from you. They're not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that's the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this. Speaker 1: (05:40)Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they'll feel out of control because keep in mind they're always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They're gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you're too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they'll try whatever they need to. They're desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds. Speaker 1: (06:30)And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I'm assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it's hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you've been with them especially for years, or they're part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you've always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it's a toxic relationship, there's often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special. Speaker 1: (07:27)Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person's validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person's validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn't usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you've done it and you ha you're kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time. Speaker 1: (08:23)The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don't let them back in. They'll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they'll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That's not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you're co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant. Speaker 1: (09:19)Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that's okay. It's actually more than okay. It's a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that's their. If you don't know, I have a journal, it's on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it's great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That's just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you're interested in that, I'll put that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (10:02)In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won't be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that's kind of a pain. So I hope you're looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don't know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you're working. So there's no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff. Speaker 1: (10:53)Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don't know it, they, if it's their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you're not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method. Speaker 1: (11:46)First of all, I'm emotional, I'm an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I'm gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I've gotten more healed. Um, so it's hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I'm just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I'm not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don't stoop to their level. You're not like that. That's not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That's more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama. Speaker 1: (12:39)So basically we're gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it's not sad, it's not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I'm at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don't wanna engage in this. And it's kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it's worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that's okay. We're human and we're, we're on this journey. I'm here with you. Speaker 1: (13:27)Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I'm at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don't forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.
Tuesday Feb 27, 2024
Tuesday Feb 27, 2024
This week we are circling back to the TOP listened to episode of But Still She Thrives. Sometimes it is good to have a reminder of what toxic people are like and how to keep away and maintain that peace!
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Tuesday Feb 20, 2024
Tuesday Feb 20, 2024
Grab your free 4 Minute Empowerment Meditation here: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment: https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
OTHER FREE FUN:
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations
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Email : FierceMamaC@gmail.com
PODCAST TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Christie Jade. Today we're gonna talk about five ways that you can become an observer of your thoughts so you can grow and heal after abuse. All right, so let's dive in. Number one, this is one of the best ways that you can really become an observer, and what this does is helps you heal because you're able to set yourself, maybe we can view it as a way or outside of your feelings. Sometimes we identify with our feelings saying things such as I'm anxious. And a way to shift that is to think of it more as I am currently having an anxious feeling or anxious thoughts, right? So number one is mindfulness or doing mindful meditations. And that involves sitting quietly and observing your thoughts without judgment. And this can take little practice, but I promise you, you can get there. Speaker 1: (01:09)By practicing mindfulness regularly, you can develop the skill of being an impartial observer. And that when you can really do that, when you can again, take yourself kind of out of being enmeshed with your own feelings, your own thoughts, that can really, really help you heal. So one way to do this is start by focusing on your breath and then gradually expanding your awareness to include thoughts as they arise. And then you notice them without getting caught up in the emotional charge of them, right? Or the content of what the actual thoughts are without going into them deeper with just being with them without judgment. Again, this can take time. This is something I do with my somatic healing. So if you wanna go for a fun journey, um, it's, uh, somatic healing is just amazing. I just did a session with a client today. Speaker 1: (02:15)It was just epic. I love it. It's really amazing work. So you can always look in the show notes on how to work with me. Number two is journaling. If you are a writer like I am, I love writing stuff down. I have diaries from when I was six years old, starting at six all the way through my twenties, and there's some after that too, but I kept them, you know, almost daily for a good chunk of my life. So I'm very familiar with writing and the power of writing. So you can keep a journal to record your thoughts and your feelings that come up. And by writing them down, you externalize those thoughts and Speaker 2: (02:58)Then it makes it easier for some depending. Again, you have to try these things out for yourself and see what you enjoy most. This is all customizable to you, but this can make for a lot of people, make it easier to observe your feelings and your thoughts objectively by writing them down. And then you take the time to reflect on what you've written, noticing any patterns or recurring themes that may come up. This can help you gain insight into your thought patterns and facilitate that healing. Yes, queen, we love to heal. We number three, self-inquiry. So if you want to engage in self-inquiry, you can ask yourself probing questions about your thoughts and your beliefs, right? You kind of go a little deeper, but keeping the emotion out of it, but logically going into a deeper, for example, if you notice a negative thought pattern, ask yourself, well, where is this coming from? Speaker 2: (04:01)Right? Let's say you're like, oh, I couldn't do that. I could never do that. Well, why do you say that? Where's this coming from? And you can keep going down, right? To break it down into more and more. It's kind of like when you think of a 4-year-old child, child saying, well, why? Well, why, well why right? Keeps breaking down further and further. You can do this with yourself to say like, really, how did we get here? How did we get to this thought pattern? Is it true? Is it really your thought pattern? Or is it something, let's say you were taught by your family or society, right? Or some, sometimes when we go through trauma, we cannot believe in ourselves. So it could be a thought pattern that is formed from that. So also something that's helpful is asking, does this thought pattern serve me? Speaker 2: (04:52)Is this helping me? It might be trying to protect you, maybe, but that's another, a whole other episode. We could talk about that, about the protectors in us. But you can say, thank you for trying to serve me, but I no longer need this. I no longer want to be protected because I want to believe I'm capable of X, Y, z, or whatever the thought pattern is. So you challenge your irrational or unhelpful thoughts by examining the evidence for and against them. And this practice can help you distance from distance yourself from those thoughts and gain perspective and what's actually true inside, right? We're talking, we talk a lot about in my podcast and my coaching, getting to the U2 0.0 and that U2 0.0 is shaken off all that nasty dirt that's covered up that gold, right? You're this solid gold block when you're born. Speaker 2: (05:55)And as you go through life there, there are negative thought patterns, negative beliefs, things, whether it's other people tell you, you tell yourself, you form these beliefs because of other people. Bad situations happen. Negative things can occur right in everyone's life, and it sprinkles all this dirt and muck and mud and covers up the beautiful gold bar that you are, right? So part of this healing and part of this self-inquiry can help to shake off some of those negative patterns, negative behavior, thought patterns, right? And gain you the true perspective of who you are. That gold, that shiny gold, that's the you, that's the U2 0.0 that's been covered, right? All right. Another awesome technique is the body scan technique. You may have heard of this, you may have done one before, and they can really be powerful, especially if you continuously use that, this technique. Speaker 2: (06:58)So this involves systematically bringing awareness to different parts of your body. This you can start from your toes up, you can go from your crown, the top of your head down. Um, I often start from the crown and go down, but you can do either way. And as you scan each body part, you observe any sensations. Again, observe, right? We're observing, not in meshing ourselves in them and getting, and not to say emotions can't come up, but what we're trying to do is to be an observer, observing the sensations, the thoughts, emotions, without trying to change them. And that's, that's where struggles can happen, right? Stress in general, I forget the exact quote, but I heard a quote somewhere that was about how when like stress basically is, or dis-ease is when you're trying to change something because it's not feeling aligned to you, right? Speaker 2: (08:07)But that can often make things worse. So especially in this sort of situation where we have things come up and we are so resistant to it, we so don't wanna feel it or whatever, we put up this big fight and then it just makes it feel even bigger, right? You can picture that when you have like a lot of anxiety. I know a lot of my followers deal with anxiety issues, right? When you try to fight that anxiety, what happens? Usually it makes it worse, or you can even set yourself into panic, right? Panic attacks, it's a cycle. Speaker 2: (08:45)So this practice of observing can help you cultivate a non-reactive awareness of your thoughts and your thoughts, connections to the bodily sensations you have. It's all tied together, right? This is why I love this body healing. It's, it's amazing and it's magical. All right? And five is cognitive behavioral therapy, which if you're in the therapy world, you have heard of this, you haven't, I'll explain it more. It is a therapeutic approach that focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. So you can work with a therapist trained in this specific technique to learn how to recognize distorted thinking and replace it with more realistic and constructive thoughts. This is something I do in my work. I am not a therapist, as you know, I am a coach, but I do specialize in healing from abuse and have practiced this and have had success with my clients, but I'll never claim to be a CBT, um, certified. Speaker 2: (09:58)I am getting my somatic healing certification, and this is something we touch on. But through this process, you can become more aware of your thoughts and develop healthier cognitive habits leading to emotional wellbeing and healing, right? So there's, like I said, everyone's gonna like or not, like different modalities, different methods we use here. These are just some of them to give you examples. But by incorporating these in your daily life, you can become a more skillful observer of your thoughts, which is part of this transformation. What I find in somatic healing, what has been so beautiful, my own journey with it, and now being able to use somatic healing in my coaching sessions where we just are doing right now, I'm just practicing doing somatic healings for the entire hour basically, of our sessions because the impact, the transition is longer lasting because it is healing from the body out, right? Speaker 2: (11:16)Kind of like inside out when we do mindset work, which is amazing and fabulous and I love it too. Um, sometimes my when mindset, there has to be that motivation and more of a maintenance, in my opinion, where the somatic healing, and you can use them in parallel, right? But somatic healing is long lasting because it is really healing the body and like where that is stored, where the trauma is stored and actual on this body level, it's an amazing process of rewiring and shifting things from the body out, if that makes sense, right? So it's really cool to, I myself, have been able to make that shift from being in my feelings, right? We all know that's a saying, I'm in my feelings. That's a thing to being an observer and saying, whoa, I look, I'll still get triggered. Okay? There's, I went through trauma, I, I got some triggers, okay? Speaker 2: (12:27)That trigger comes up though now, and I've practiced this so much and it didn't take forever. So don't feel like this is like years in the making here, but I've practiced at a point that I can go and it keeps getting better, right? But I can observe that feeling, recognize it from an observation space, say this is what's happening, and observe it and go through the motions of observing and like being with it, but not enmeshed with it. Not taking it on as my identity saying, yes, this is an anxious thought, and where is it coming from? Whatever I need to do to talk myself through it. Again, there's several ways, and being okay with that saying, okay, and just doing that alone helps you heal rather than resisting or really being enmeshed with that feeling. Okay? So if, again, if you want any help, any guidance on this work, on this journey that you are on, again, just pop over into my show notes and you can sign up for a session with me and I will see you in next weeks video slash podcast. Speaker 2: (13:46)If you don't know, I do my podcast. If you're listening on audio, I do a pod, my podcast on YouTube now. It's a video you can stare at my face with my headphones on. Hi. Um, and if you're on YouTube and you just wanna listen to on it to me on a podcast, I can't talk tonight. It's been a long day. Y'all been a long weekend. Um, but you can go ahead and look for, but still she thrives on basically any of the podcast platforms. So I'm all over. And then my Instagram and Facebook, I will have all those links listed in the show notes. And let's take a collective big inhale together. Inhale and release. Woo. Here's to another awesome week. Love you guys, and I will see you soon. Bye.
Tuesday Feb 13, 2024
Tuesday Feb 13, 2024
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1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment: https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
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30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations
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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Kristi Jade. Today we're gonna talk about the hot topic of the week, the Super Bowl. Um, obviously you guys know I probably have an opinion about this. I'm gonna talk about my opinion. It is my opinion. This is not fact or the truth or the one answer. Um, but I have some opinions to share about the whole situation with Travis and coach. So stay tuned. Speaker 2: (00:31)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:29)Okay? So if you didn't watch the Super Bowl, uh, at one point Travis Kelsey, um, was up in the coach's face. He kind of chest bumped him and looked very angry. You couldn't hear what he was saying. Um, lip readers did say there was a couple different lip readers. I guess they were professional lip readers, um, that said similar things that he said f-bomb and was, you know, yelling at coach, you know, to put him in. And it was disturbing. It was disturbing enough that a bunch of people were talking about it today. Then we have the other people were saying, like, you know, give the guy a break, you know, he's in the spotlight, this and that. So there's a lot of opinions about it on both sides. There's people saying, oh, you can't this cancel culture. You can't cancel everybody. So here's my opinion on it, and I talk about this obviously in relation to, I, I obviously have a lot of education in this field of abuse. Speaker 1: (02:39)Let me say, I'm not saying this is exactly abuse. I do look at this as kind of abusive behavior. Um, abuse to me is, you know, cruel behavior and that can be emotional, physical, whatever, right? Um, I'm not saying ongoing abuse. I don't know their relationship. Do I know the coach has said he had a really bad temper and they've worked on it? Yes. So it's not like outta blue, he's never had a temper before. Some people dismiss that. So here's another part of it, right? We all grow up in different families, different cultures, and tolerate different things. If you follow me, you know, I don't tolerate any form of abuse, any form of cruel treatment. Do people have moments? Yes, but there's a level to me, um, if you wanna call it a body check, I don't know the definition of body check, but whatever he kind of chest bumped him, got in his physical space and was yelling that to me, I would not tolerate from another human, right? Speaker 1: (03:46)And this is his boss. It's somewhat of an elderly man, um, that he should be respecting, but I don't think he should do it to anyone. Does it add a layer of like, oh, what the? Yeah, like, I mean, if I did that, here's the thing, right? If I did that when I was working in the corporate world, obviously I would get my fired, right? And you could say, oh, well it's football. It's different to an extent, obviously yes, on the field, there's, you know, there's a lot of testosterone and I don't like to excuse testosterone and that we may have differences there, right? People, oh, people on steroids and this and that, okay? I don't, everyone needs to be accountable for their behavior. So that's where my point comes in of, am I even saying he necessarily should be totally canceled? I don't know. Speaker 1: (04:36)Here's my thing. Number one, there should be consequences to actions. Let's say it was a mistake, and he's such a great guy, and we'll get to that too, right? Oh, he made, he made a mistake or whatever. Um, but he's thrown helmets before he is had tantrums. This I, you know, obviously got more attention because of it was with the coach up in his face, the physical part of it. So him doing that, A, there was no consequence. I have a problem with that, that literally I think, I think it was kind of tried to be like shoved under the rug, but then obviously today people are speaking out about it, right? But there doesn't seem to be any consequence yet. I, I do hope there is something, right? I don't, I don't know what exactly that looks like. And I know people love money and people love, you know, good football players, right? Speaker 1: (05:31)But that's that privilege. That's a whole other topic. I mean, it's within this topic, but I'm not gonna go deeply into this stuff. I'm just giving my opinion. So I was upset with that and I was also upset that there was no apology. Someone did tell me today that on not live tv, that he went over and hugged, coach and apologized, right? First of all, we didn't see that. Second of all, there are a lot of children, boys and girls watching these football players and looking to them as role models, right? He's been in the limelight a lot, and there are a lot of younger boys and girls looking up to him. You could say, well, it's not his job, X, y, z you could say that. But this is my opinion. And I think if you are in the limelight and you know that children are watching, and I mean even just other, you know, peers watching, looking to you, um, as a role model that you, you do, you should be on your best behavior, right? Speaker 1: (06:46)And someone else said that. Well, we all, um, what they, I don't remember their exact phrasing, but they, because I posted about this on my personal Facebook and I, you know, I knew I'd get for it, but you know, me, I don't, I don't really care. Um, and I got, I mean, I got supportive comments and I got comments that disagreed. But I, you know, I like to have these conversations and, and see where people's minds are at. And I'm asking you guys, feel free to comment in my pod bean or to email me. If you're mama c I'll put in the show notes or on my YouTube, if you're on my YouTube, you can comment right there, um, your opinion of it. And if you know me, I do listen, I listen to things. I have my own opinions. We might go back and forth. Speaker 1: (07:31)Um, and I like to be respectful when we have these conversations. But, and now I lost my train of thought squirrel. Um, but to me the fact, yes, there may have been an apology, we didn't hear it. He has these people looking up to him. I do think it, it was important if he thought it was a mistake or maybe he didn't, maybe he's dismissing it like these other people are, and you might be one of them. I don't know where it's like, oh, big deal. So what, you know, that's where we're just not gonna see eye to eye, obviously. Um, and, and I'm a tough person if you know the I've been through, I'm a tough B, right? But you are in a professional setting, whether it's football or not. And oh, we could go to the point too that the coach said, I'm trying to think of all the stuff people said back, um, that the coach said, you know, like basically was defending him, right? Speaker 1: (08:30)Saying like, oh yeah, he is passionate and whatever. I will say this. And I'm not saying he is an ongoing abuser. I don't know his life, right? Um, I can tell you my intuition or feelings about that if anyone wants to know if, but coach defending him, we can compare it. It's very different. This is apples to oranges. But just trying to give you a picture of like, someone has the, a lot of people are having this idea of like, oh, well the coach said it was okay, he is fine. Okay? A little secret. Like here in the, the like bigger abuse world, right? Where we're dealing with ongoing a marital abuse, all of domestic violence in that world, do you know how many people protect their abusers? It's it's natural. I mean, I did it myself, literally helped patch up holes in the wall because you are under their power, okay? Speaker 1: (09:32)So like, that's what I don't know if people get that. And I'm not saying again, ongoing abuse, I'm just saying even in that situation, the coaches, like, he may have felt like he can't go against this dude right in the middle of the Super Bowl, right? Like, what's he gonna say? Oh, he is a. And he disrespect me. Like there's many reasons that wouldn't fly, which again, I disagree with, but I do know our society. I know the NFLI know teams are celebrating, right? This is a joyful moment. Nobody wants to be brought down by that. Um, but that being said, and again, it is kind of apple's oranges here, but it's showing you and reminding you that even if he said it's okay, it might not have been. I can't say that for sure. I don't know. He could have been like, yeah, whatever, right? Speaker 1: (10:28)But for the kids watching, well, the people watching in general, I think there should have been a consequence to show, even if it was a one time thing and he never acted angry or whatever and just acted out of anger that night, there should be a consequence. That's my opinion. It's a lot of people's opinion right now. And number two, there should have been an apology. And maybe it's coming. I think it's a little late if it is not too late. I mean, but I, I also do wonder, you know, certain things, sometimes you have to run it through PR and it might take time. I would've thought it'd be out by tonight if he was going to apologize. He also might not think he did anything wrong. Like I talked about, just like some of you may think, right? So those are my two things. Speaker 1: (11:19)Am am I throwing, you know, people are like, oh, you know, you shouldn't cancel him. I'm like, I'm not necessarily canceling him. I'm just bringing awareness to this is how things go wrong when things aren't even acknowledged or said like, this isn't cool, so there's gonna be a consequence. You know, I'm not dictating what that consequence should be. I'm not saying it should be canceling him out forever and he is just dead to everybody. I'm not saying that. I'm saying there should be consequence. Like there should be for anybody who acts like a clown. And number two, again, reminder . Sorry, I'm sorry. A sincere apology that I acted like that or coming forward and explaining. 'cause we don't know, we didn't hear the exact words, right? Something, some acknowledgement. And, and from what it looked like, it did look like he was angry and he was physical. Speaker 1: (12:18)I don't know how you can spin that exactly to, not that, but let's say he could explain or yeah, say, you know what? I, I got aggressive. It was heated and I'm sorry, that's what I think should have happened. That's my opinion. Um, I would love to hear yours in the comments anywhere, um, in my email. And yes, I don't, I don't know. I just felt like tonight's little episode, um, I was talking about this throughout the day on my Facebook , so it's obviously something I was feeling because it is a, a bigger picture of like, come on, we're at a point here. Like, I'm not saying cancel culture is great at all. I'm saying there should be some consequence for, for actions that are not cool, for mistakes, for whatever it is, there should be consequences. And people should be able as grownups to say, you know what, yeah, what I did, I, I shouldn't have done that. Speaker 1: (13:21)I would've done it differently if I did it again, not an excuse, but I was riled up in the heat of the moment to Super Bowl and this happened and the whatever. But he said, from what I read, like, you know, I read different articles from what I read. He said, I'm gonna keep that. He said, you guys heard that? I'm gonna keep that. And that was on the TV too, but I'm gonna keep that between me and him, unless his micd up shared it with the world, right? or lip reader came along. But so, I mean that shows it probably wasn't very pretty right? So why not just say, yeah, my bads if he apologized to him, that's great. But yes, you are in the public. Speaker 1: (14:08)And some would say maybe I, I've heard kind of like a tinge of, oh, he doesn't owe anybody anything just 'cause he is a football, right? Like, I, I guess not. But that would help a lot of people feel better about it. And there's a lot of pe I mean, I don't watch football like obsessively, right? I used to watch it more when I was younger. Um, but there's a lot of die hard fans that have come forward saying they are disgusted and embarrassed that this, you know, it's, it's not just like me, you know, , my type of audience. Like there are, you're seeing die hard fans saying, I respected you so much. I've lost all respect for you, right? Um, so I think for those fans, especially for the kids looking up to him, not to me this suburban mom on a podcast , but for those people watching him looking up to him, expecting to have like a great time watching the Super Bowl and then getting disappointed like that, sure, it's life. We're human. Maybe it's just a mistake and his temper really has been better lately and he's turned a leaf great. Sometimes we fall back a little bit. That's okay. Speaker 1: (15:29)Say you're sorry and do better. Okay? That's all. Rant over. Um, love you guys. I have, what do I have to tell? Speaking of suburban mom, I am now . This is like, this is like the weirdest podcast I've ever done. Um, but I am selling Mary Kay. You guys know, if you follow me on YouTube, most, most of the people who will be excited about this, um, are my YouTube people because we're like all makeup freaks and stuff. That's, if you don't know, I started my YouTube channel was makeup tutorials, makeup. I used to be a makeup artist. And that's how it started. And um, I developed into a lot more. But anyway, I am now selling Mary Kay and I was selling it before then I moved, I stopped selling it, and now I move back to Maryland. I'm selling it again. Here's a little one if you're on the camera. Speaker 1: (16:19)Oh, there's some eyeshadow. I have so much makeup. I have ordered, I have samples. I, we have a spring line coming up and this can be for the people here. I'm like starting to blend this stuff together. Like sometimes I would keep this separate. I'm like, but this is like women who are trying to find confidence and their new identity and feeling good about yourselves. We like to do the skincare and may, I mean, not everyone needs to do makeup. Hey, I love makeup. I know a lot of my followers do. It helps us feel better. And just for me, I love actually doing, it's like art to me sometimes when I go really crazy with the eyes. Um, so I am going to be selling, I'm not gonna be mostly, you know, I'm not gonna be talking about Mary Kay every podcast or anything. Speaker 1: (17:08)But if there is like a promotion or something going on, or you want to, if you guys wanna join, if you are interested in makeup and beauty, I'll be doing tips and stuff on videos in my Facebook group. It's like a Mary Kay specific group. I will put that link in my show notes so you can come follow me there and I'll be doing all the fun. Those are gonna be really fun videos. I'm so excited to start doing like little short makeup tips, sh like spotlighting certain products that I love. Um, and just having chats. We'll do live chats, stuff like that too. So if that sounds like something you're interested in 'cause you wanna feel like a queen 'cause you are a queen, then sign up right there. Go to my little Facebook page and if you're just here 'cause you, I don't know a keyword brought you to here, come follow me or don't. But it's fun. We have fun here. Um, I guess that's it. I will guy, I will guys, I will speak to you tomorrow. I'm so tired, y'all, I've been getting crap sleep this week. So excuse me if, if my words aren't blending together as usual, do they ever? No. My squirrel brain has me all over. Alright, love you guys. Put your deuces up, put your smooches up and I will see you in the next episode. Bye.
Tuesday Feb 06, 2024
Tuesday Feb 06, 2024
Grab your free 4 Minute Empowerment Meditation here: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment: https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
OTHER FREE FUN:
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
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Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is your host, Christy Jade. Today we're gonna talk about five different ways to heal through visualization. I'm a very visual person, so this is one of my favorite ways. I love all the energy work, all the visuals. So fun. So stick around and we will talk about the details of five of the ways. There are so many out there, but these are five of my favorite. Speaker 2: (00:27)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:25)All right, so let's just dive into the five, not the only five, but some of the ways that you can heal through your visualization. Number one, very common, you'll see a lot of these on YouTube and just all the meditation apps, guided imagery for relaxation. So you know, after you've been through abuse, after you've been through anything traumatic, obviously you've, you're trying to reset that nervous system. So just getting relaxed first and foremost is really important. So practice guided imagery by creating a mental image of a peaceful or serene place. My go-to is the beach. I just, when I'm at the beach, I get automatically relaxed and I really try to take the senses in as well. So I'm visualizing, but also trying to imagine that salty air, maybe some squawking, seagulls, . Um, and imagine every detail, the colors that get really focused. So if you're imagining the waves in front of you, really focus on what color, is it a nice teal color? Speaker 1: (02:34)Is it garbage brown? Like ocean city, Maryland where I grew up, . Um, the sounds, the scents, like I said, the salty air, maybe some of that delicious funnel cake scent. Um, this alone, doing these visuals and including also the other senses, can help reduce stress, lower your blood pressure, which if you've been through some, you know that blood pressure pressure can rise really quickly and it just promotes a sense of calmness. Number two, cellular healing visualization. So for cellular healing visualization, you wanna visualize your body at the cellular level, imagining each cell, right? And obviously you don't have to go through your whole body, but body. But for whatever time increment you let yourself have, let's say you're gonna do a 20 minute meditation, just go up, maybe your leg, you can start, you know, from your crown chakra down, whatever way feels good for you. Speaker 1: (03:39)But imagine your cells on a cellular level, having them be vibrant and healthy and this higher frequency envision a healing energy surrounding and penetrating each cell. I'm very visual, so again, I imagine like a yellowish golden light surrounding the cells. Repairing and rejuvenating this technique can enhance the body's natural healing process. But I'll get up and boost the immune system. I just did that look it up because I was watching, uh, has anyone heard of kickball dad? I know this is a TA side tangent, but I'm a DD, so you can have fun with me. Or on the side for a second. This guy, kickball dad on TikTok, Instagram, whatever. And he's really hilarious, but he'll just sit in the middle of something. If he kind of goes off talking about something, he'll be, look it up, look it up. So go look that up about how this can truly repair and rejuvenate yourselves. Speaker 1: (04:46)It's a real thing. It's science. Okay, number three, positive outcome visualization. I've done this with a bunch of my clients. Like I said, I do mindset work, energy work, and visualization work as well. A lot of my clients, if they're visual people like me, really love these. And if you're listening to this, you might be too. So you wanna visualize a positive outcome for a specific challenge or situation, whatever you're in, right? So you can get specific with it. Picture yourself actually overcoming that obstacle and getting the desired outcome. Imagine not just visualizing, but also what does it feel like to have that right? This could either be for if something's going on that's negative, that you wanna turn positive or just a goal you have for yourself or dream you have. I did this with my coaching business. I literally forward visualized my life, imagining having a group on Zoom. Speaker 1: (05:47)This was during the pandemic, and I imagined having this group coaching container that I created. And so I imagined it, I visualized it, and I felt, what would that feel like for me to have that right? So that is really helpful. Um, focusing on that positive future can improve your mental attitude, your hope for it, because it's hard to imagine something if you haven't actually taken the time to sit and feel what it would feel like, right? And it can influence your actual physical wellbeing. If you are working toward trying to get over something in a health situation. Again, look it up. There are definitely articles to support situations like that where people have used their minds to overcome health obstacles. So there's all sorts of good things that can come from the po positive outcome visualization. Number four, this is always fun chakra balancing visualization. Speaker 1: (06:53)I, again, do energy work. I do reiki and that deals with the chakra system. You've probably heard if you are in yoga meditation, you've probably heard of the different chakras. And they are the energy centers in the body according to certain spiritual traditions, like each, I call 'em little wheels, right? But each wheel represents something in the body. So let's take for instance, like the crown chakra, right at the top of the head. That is its own little wheel connected to certain things. That's another, another episode. But you visualize each chakra as the spinning wheel of light. Any color you want, I'm always, I go to gold picture that energy flowing freely through each one, balancing harmonizing all the way down, right? We're going all down the chakras. And so it's going to, at the end, be balancing out your entire system. I do what I call a reiki zip up, and that's when in one session we kind of tune up all the chakras. Speaker 1: (07:57)Um, and other times if a person requests, I will do specific focus on one specific chakra the whole session, right? So let's say you're having a lot of sadness and um, maybe a grief or something, and it's really, your heart feels really heavy. Some clients will come and just say, I really just wanna focus on my heart, rebalancing my heart center, right? Something like that. So you can focus the vis visualization on those specific areas or the whole body that may need healing. Okay? All right. Here is the last one, not the last 'cause there's so many, but this is the last one we're talking about today, touching on, and you can always email me with questions. My email is in the show notes. And if you want to sign up for mindset, energy, healing, whatever coaching with Christie is, all the things, all the fun, all the healing , um, go check out my link in the show notes to see how to start that journey. Speaker 1: (08:57)So number five, healing light visualization. So this is where you imagine a healing light surrounding and permeating your body. This represents positive energy, love, and healing. And you picture it clearing away. I picture it just like kind of melting away. I go top to bottom, but on my crown track chakra starting there, melting away any tension, any negativity, right? And you're picturing it as just this beautiful glowing light. The the positive, the love is pushing out any of that toxic negative stuff that we have built up through the years of whatever we've gone through, right? This could be long term or this could be you just had a bad day, so you wanna melt the day away. It can work in both situations. And this similar to the chakra balancing, you can also just focus on one area. Even if you have like a physical pain focusing, a light visualization on, let's say your neck tension can help to get rid of that neck pain, right? Speaker 1: (10:05)Um, obviously when you do it with a practitioner, we know what we're doing, but you are capable of also learning and doing this. I myself, love going to other people to get this done too. I can do it all myself, but sometimes it's just really nice to have someone else do the work. Excuse me. Um, kind of do the work while you get to really be present. But in the moment, if you're having a moment, it's a great time to do any one of or multiple of these five examples of visualization work. So again, if you do want support with this, I can't tell you how epic energy and visualization work is. I love it. I'm here for it, , and I'm here for you for it. So again, my link will be in the, um, show notes, but this shouldn't replace just a reminder, it shouldn't replace all of your healing, right? Speaker 1: (11:04)This is supplemental. Or like in collaboration with, if you're really having a hard time, I always encourage you to do therapy or do mindset work with someone like me who has been through trauma, who's been through narcissistic abuse and can help you on that mindset level and is very familiar with what you've gone through. Um, so I do recommend doing both in collaboration with each other. Um, if you really are in a place you feel like you really need some deeper healing, and with me, what I love about my work is we, we make it fun. And I accelerate your healing. I mean, not accelerate it for you, but with you, I teach you how to accelerate that healing because I'm someone I don't like to sit in for a long time. I do not, right? We have this grand life to live and I found my way there and I found it quickly through all these methods, I learned all the information I have from learning about abuse and narcissism. On top of that mindset work, we have now this energy work, this somatic healing, which is healing from the body. Um, and it's just such amazing work. I wish I could reach more people and help everybody because it is so life changing. It's been so life changing for me, and I want it to be life changing for you. So let me know if you wanna work together and uplevel that queendom and I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Deuces!
Tuesday Jan 30, 2024
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm your host, Christy Jade, and today we are going to talk about discuss four signs. You are friends with a narcissist, dun, dun, dun. Um, sometimes with friendships we wanna skip over things 'cause we love them or we have history with them. But we're gonna get into this week what the signs are that you may have a narcissist as a friend. And next week we will discuss how that can be harmful to you. Pretty dang harmful. So stay tuned, we'll be right back. Speaker 1: (00:42)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:39)All right, let's dive in. Four signs. You are friends with a narcissist. So in my own life I have had friends, I can't diagnose anybody, but I've definitely had a friend or two with narcissistic tendencies. And to me, it doesn't matter if you label someone, oh, they are textbook narcissist, or they just have enough qualities of a narcissist that it's not healthy to be in a relationship. So I want us to get away from the idea of that we have to like, they have to have every single trait for it to not be healthy. Um, some of these traits I'm gonna discuss, I'm only only gonna talk about four. There's definitely more. But some of these, even having one of these could be unhealthy in a relationship, right? So you have to discern for yourself, is this trait in this person healthy for me? If this is something today we discuss that you have a friend with one or all of these traits, um, in my own life, those people, I really let them get away with a lot. Speaker 1: (02:53)Um, but that was also because I grew up as a child with a narcissist in my life. And so I was used to being treated poorly, um, dismissed, controlled, put down. Um, all of those things. We're not going gonna go into all of that. Maybe I'll share a bigger part of my story one day as an extra episode. But it's important to know if you grew up in that environment, that it's very likely that you may at attract. I wouldn't even say attract. Well, yes, attract in a way of you're, you may be in easier target because though the bigger part of this is that you will accept poor behavior because you may not even know any better. You may not know any different, right? So growing up I just thought that was just kind of part of how people treated people. I didn't, it took me getting into college, being away from family, um, having some healthier people pop up in my life that I realized like, wait, that was really jacked up, man, . Speaker 1: (04:06)Um, and even more time to truly see that it, it just wasn't, um, you know, it's not just physical, it's emotional, it's manipulative, it's all of those things. So if you can relate to any of this, whether it's in your past, in your childhood or in a current relationship, um, you, if you take poor treatment from people in your life, you may attract more people because it's easier for narcissists to manipulate people who have big hearts and are empathetic like, like us, right? That we do excuse things. We wanna look at the good. We want to not feel those bad things. 'cause we're, you know, for me, I'm a very happy go lucky person. I want to see people thrive. I want good for everyone. And that can sometimes blind us to, um, ironically putting ourselves last or in bad situations because we want to not squeak the wheel and not, you know, we walk on eggshells with certain people because we're afraid of upsetting them, right? Speaker 1: (05:21)With narcissist, that all comes from control and we'll get there. So let's dive in. Number one is lack of empathy. This is, uh, like a telltale sign. It's very common. This is how people define it. Oh, it's a lack of empathy. It's something that is very striking compared to us as empaths, right? They often struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings of others. If your friend consistently dismisses you, belittles your emotions, even if they write it off as joke. So one of the friends that I'm thinking of with some narcissistic traits, they would put me down a lot, but always with a joke and laughing. And this was also common in some of my extended family where it's just written off a, oh, I'm just joking. You're so sensitive. 'cause if you do get like, well, that's a little far. 'cause I have, I have very thick skin. Speaker 1: (06:21)I love to joke. I love sarcasm. I I'm that girl, I'm a tough girl. But they go deeper and they know your spots to push and they will put you down and often disguise it as a joke or just say you are being sensitive, right? And that, that plays into later like gaslighting, manipulation, that sort of thing. Um, but that could be a sign of a narcissist, right? There are other people who don't have empathy, but that's like a, a pretty telltale sign. And you don't always see it. If you're in a new relationship with someone, they may not show that. But eventually that comes out. Number two, the constant need for validation. So a huge thing with narcissists is they need attention. And it's not just like a simple, oh, I didn't get enough hugs. Like there's some people who are attention hungry. It's very deep seated. Speaker 1: (07:15)And if you don't know narcissists as much as they come off as confident and cocky, a lot of the times arrogant, deep, deep, deep, deep down of a narcissist is huge insecurities. But they can't even touch it. They don't even know that they don't. I mean, it is so buried under there, but that's why they have this mask. But they need that validation because they sse they are insecure. So if your friend constantly seeks admiration, approval, or praise, this can be shown, especially in their telling great stories about themselves. Like, oh, I did this. You wouldn't believe what happened. Often they will embellish their stories even further to get that satisfaction of attention. And, and they want that. Yes. Oh wow, great job. But like, they love that. And do we all have that, uh, to especially extroverts or more social, socially connected people? Do we all love a little round of applause? Yes. This is much deeper. And the key also is they become upset when they don't receive it. Speaker 1: (08:25)So think about that. They come very, they become very upset when they don't receive that attention, which is connected to the control. Number three. This is, this is the like, I don't know, I guess they're all huge, but to me this is such a big sign and something that really differentiates a healthy person from an unhealthy person. I don't care if you wanna call it narcissism or narcissism or not. To me, if someone is like this, I don't want 'em in my life. I don't need to label 'em. I don't care if they're narcissists, if they're a sociopath, if they're just a jerk, I don't care. Manipulative behavior. That's what we're talking about. Now, gaslighting, I have an episode that goes further into gaslighting. I can link. Um, but narcissists may engage. Most of them do, I would say most of them do. And manipulative tactics to control others. Speaker 1: (09:26)So if your friend tries to manipulate it again, they can paint it as joking and laughing and oh, do this for me, right? Uses guilt trips. Anyone who uses guilt trips on me is not allowed in my space. Like, I'm just done with that. I did a, I had a lot of guilt trips growing up. I had guilt trips with friendships in my later years. That is one thing, it just doesn't work. I mean, you might try it, but it's never gonna work on me. Like guilt trip just do not work. And they shouldn't work on you 'cause you're a queen, right? So they use situations for themselves, right? So it's like, if they want something, they're gonna try to find the closest people to them, whether that's their partner or their best friend, close friend, whatever. And they're going to try to manipulate it. Speaker 1: (10:18)Those people. So whatever they're trying to get works for them, right? They're not thinking how could this affect this person? They're really just trying to get everything to work in their favor and they will play mind games and they will make you even, this is part of the manipulation. And what I didn't realize till I was older was the 'cause narcissists will also try to make you feel very special. Oh, you're the only one who gets me. So a couple narcissists in my life, one family, one friend I can think of use very, this very similar tactic of you're the only one who really gets me. And they do this when they're trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you. It's not just like a random thought. So if you pay attention when they're trying to get something, whether it's attention control, trying to get you to help them in some way, they'll be like, well, I'm coming to you because you know, you're the only person who could really do this. Speaker 1: (11:20)Well, you're so good at this. So I thought of you first because you're amazing. But they're trying to get their way and it's a pattern. So again, if there's one-off things here and there, like is, can that be a real thing where you go to a friend like, you're good at makeup. Would you do my makeup for prom or something, right? Like a lot of my, I did makeup for my friends at prom and stuff, right? I'm not talking about that. That's like, you know, this is different. It's a pattern. It's in any situation they can use you for. They use people and they don't care. They pretend they care. And then later you find out they really don't. And it's this awful cycle, right? Of manipulation, guilt trips, they use you, they spit you out, they dismiss you, and then you're back on this quote pedestal. Speaker 1: (12:09)So if you know that's the abuse cycle, um, we're not here for that, right? Mm-Hmm. So that, that is a red flag. Manipulation is a red flag no matter how you wanna define it. All right? The fourth one we're gonna talk about again, there's many more. And if you work with me, we go through all of these things. So if you're interested in coaching with me, my information is always, always in the show notes. So check it out. Alright, last one, sense of entitlement. Narcissists generally have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and they believe they deserve special treatment. Look, I always say we're all special, okay? We are all special, we're all queens, but we are not more deserving or better than somebody else. That's the difference, right? Narcissists though, deep, deep down, we know their secret. They do not think they're special. They, and that's where so many people get confused. Speaker 1: (13:10)But it, to me, it doesn't matter. An a-holes an a-hole. So we're just not taking this treatment. But if you really wanna dig into the why and the how, deep, deep down they are really, really insecure and they're afraid to even look at that. So they have again, this mask. So they act like and expect special treatment. They have their selves convinced. So not to confuse you, I know it can get like what they ha in this life, in this body. A deep, deep down issue is in there, but they have themselves convinced that they are this amazing above other people. We're all amazing. So we won't say that. But above all others deserving. I'm so unique, no one knows how to do this or that one narcissist in my life. The biggest bragger, every conversation is about how they are so great at this and they did this. Speaker 1: (14:12)And I get free this and I do this. Like, I mean, it's just always, I don't, I mean I don't have them in my life anymore, but it is this just vomit of how great they are, right? And they expect people to bow down to them and they need to have that control. So if you notice your friend expects like preferential treatment and is like, oh, when you go out, they're like, oh, I, no, I can't have that. I need to have this. Right? Like, and that's a pattern that's, that's a red flag. Some people are just entitled 'cause that's how they grew up. But that is a narcissistic tendency and trait and it's not cute. And I don't wanna be anyone around anyone like that. Um, so like I said, a lot of these stacked together can equal a narcissist, right? But to me, any of these behaviors are gross and icky and I don't want any of 'em in a friendship, right? Speaker 1: (15:10)Um, watch how they treat other people, right? Some people, some of a narcissist can be very charismatic, right? But that can only last so long. They'll usually, it will show up in certain, um, certain situations. It does come out. If you, if you, the closer you are to them, the more you will see it, right? If you're first dating or you're like a kind of an acquaintance, you might be like, what? That person's great and their spouse might be living in pure hell, but they have this charisma or they're like, oh look, yeah, I'm great. And they do act polite. Let's say you're in a group outing. They may act really fun and whatever, and really nice to the wait staff and you know, but that wall has to come down at some point. So the piece people closer to them. And you may be like, oh, that's my husband or something, right? Speaker 1: (16:07)You might be listening like, yeah, he, they act like a different person in front of those that aren't as close, um, to put on this image. But they also, at the same time, as you get to know them better, they do expect people to bow down in general, right? And the closer you are, the further you're gonna bow not mean . Can I get a what? What, yes. We're not bowing down anymore. So whether or not your friend is a narcissist, if they have any of these traits level up, come on, trade 'em in. I'm telling you, when you free yourself of people that put you down, bring you down, make you walk on eggshells and worry if you don't do or say the right thing that they're going to dis discard you or just make your life hell. Or you just, you just have that fear of, oh, they're gonna get upset. Speaker 1: (17:08)Like that is no way to live with friendships, with family. I don't care who it is. You are better than that. You deserve, we all deserve better than that. And I'm not here for it. That's why I do this podcast, right? So if any of these are in your friendships, you can always have a conversation about it. But if they are, you're probably scared to, 'cause they're probably kind of an a-hole. So they're not gonna take any, um, ridicule or whatever you wanna call it. Well, you could try it as your last, let's, I've really, I've been with this person 10 years. We're friends, we're close. Try to have a conversation. You can, but people with these sort of tendencies, they lack that empathy. They're not gonna wanna see your side, right? The need for validation and control, they feel outta control. If someone's telling them something's wrong with them, God forbid they can't handle that manipulative behavior, they're gonna twist it around on you and say, somehow you cause something sense of entitlement. Speaker 1: (18:10)How dare you, who do you think you are coming to me? So the odds are the conversation could not go well. You can always try as your last resort to save a friendship. Sure. But it's a little warning. Speaking of which, I have a boundaries course. I just realized this is connects very well with this. I have an amazing boundaries course. I have a special price on it, so I'll put that in the show notes. Um, I have that as a special price right now because I just really want people to be able to get this. It's, you get to watch it on your own. Every week. A new video drips out. It's 10 videos. It is life changing. If you have people in your life who are like this and you wanna set boundaries, or maybe you want to walk away, but you want to try or moving forward. Maybe you've gotten rid of someone in your life like this, but you're afraid of attracting people that are similar. This course is for you. It's called Empowered Boundaries. I'll put it in the show notes. Um, and, and that's, that's all I got today. Let's do some affirmations. Take a deep breath in. I get passionate. I get all, whew, I gotta decompress for a second. Nice. One more deep breath in. Speaker 1: (19:29)I dunno, if you're driving, do not close your eyes. But if you are not, shut your little peeps hand to heart. If you feel like it and repeat after me. I deserve peace. I do not tolerate poor behavior 'cause I'm a queen. Yes, yes you are. You are a queen. I love you guys. I will see you in the next podcast. And if you're not following me on YouTube, follow me. 'cause we're about to uplevel. We're about to do some like mini trainings and recordings, some meditations, all sorts of fun stuff on my YouTube channel. I am, that's, I think is usually in the show notes too. But I will try to highlight it this week so it's easy to find, go follow me on there. Seriously, just about to be, get crazy , I can't talk. But other than that, it's, it's, it's about to get real. We're upleveling together and you deserve the best. You deserve peace and joy and to feel like a queen. So we can do that. All right, love you guys. See you in the next one. Bye.