NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

3 Ways to Stay in Control When the Narcissist Triggers You

In this episode:Narcissists use “baiting” to pull you into reactions, defensiveness, or emotional chaos. Today you’ll learn the three most common types of bait they use—and the simple, powerful Pause, Pivot, Protect method to keep yourself grounded, calm, and unhooked.You’ll walk away with practical responses, somatic regulation tools, and a clearer understanding of how to protect your peace in conversations, texts, and co-parenting dynamics.Your Next Step in Healing
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic HealingFor survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.
1-Month Private Coachinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Get My Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsScripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/
Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Facebook CommunityConnect with other women healing from narcissistic abusehttps://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
GREY ROCK METHOD EPISODE:
https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-r2z4f-1365d55
Email me! fiercemamac@gmail.com
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello? Hello. Let me check my audio real quick. Let me check it. This is going to be not the best maybe recording we ever had. However, it'll be good content. I have all sorts of fun stuff. I have a bathroom remodel where they found some extensive mold, not black mold. They're going to be able to take care of it, but it's been quite a little journey. So happy holidays. Happy holidays. My house is going to be in, well, not my house, but my master bath. We're not even sleeping in there. It's just so much demolition and bleach and dust. So I'm currently recording in the basement away from the noise. Hopefully you don't hear any of it. And it's been so crazy. I literally forgot to do my podcast last night. I usually record on Monday nights and then post Tuesday morning. But here we are.
(01:05)Here we are on Tuesday and you guys don't have a podcast, so let's go. So we're not going to have the intro music, all the fun. We're just going to get straight to it today. And I was sitting thinking about what a lot of my clients, what they say to me, what they're like, oh, I wish I could just, whatever. And a huge one recently has been, they know they're not supposed to take the bait. They know they're not supposed to. They know the narcissist wants them to react, but it's really just hard in the moment. So we're going to address that, talking about not taking the bait and how to stay unshakeable when the narcissist tries to hook you. Right? Okay, so if you don't know, you're on here, but I'm Christie Jade, host of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery podcast, and we're going to dive into one of the most powerful skills you can master on your healing journey, not taking the bait.
(02:09)And if you've been following me, I say it all the time, don't take the bait. Don't take the bait. I really am considering getting T-shirts just as a little fun mantra for us to rock bright pink gold. What do you think? Tell me. And my Facebook group, by the way, go join my Facebook group. If you're not part of it, it's always in the show notes. It's free and it is private. We like that privacy part, okay? But when you stop reacting, you stop feeding that chaos. And when you stop feeding the chaos, the narcissist loses their favorite thing in the world, their power. And that's part of my goal. Look, my big goal is to live peacefully. But gosh, if I have to deal with a narcissist, one of my favorite things is to get, help them get rid of their power. Okay? So first name the game baiting is a strategy.
(03:09)So if you've ever wondered why do they always know exactly what to say to set me off, this is not by accident. This is not just something they're doing without knowing it. And they will always manipulate and say, I didn't mean it. My intention wasn't that blah, blah, blah, right? Narcissist ba. Because your reaction is actually their reward, your spark, your emotion. They love to get emotion out of you, your energy. They love to drain your energy. It's like a little crispy snack that they're after. And you don't want to be their snack, right? So if you don't bite, they don't eat. Maybe we should have that as a tagline. Don't take the bait. If you don't bite, they don't eat. So when you can see their comment, their text, whatever, in conversation as bait, just knowing, and it takes some training in the mind, but as not truth, you instantly gain the power.
(04:14)You're like, you know what they're doing. And it does, I promise. It becomes like second nature, it becomes a science. It goes, you become an observer. And a huge part of somatic healing, by the way, is being able to become the observer even of your own feelings. And that's a whole other show. But if you want to do somatic healing and heal from the body, girl, jump in the show notes. Let's work together. But in the situation with the narcissist, you move from, I have to defend myself, right? I have a client recently that was talking about this, just the smear campaigns, the painting you in a picture that is not accurate, that is bad, that, oh, you're the bad parent, you're the problem. They all do it. So you feel like you have to defend yourself, and you can change this into, I see what you're doing.
(05:13)And I know some of you can't get there yet. That's why we have to do the one-on-one work to, from our body. Get to that point. You may not even be able to imagine being able to say so what? Right now. But I promise you, when you heal and you do the deeper work, you absolutely can get to that place. You stop caring what everyone else thinks, what they think, and you know that the truth comes out the truth. The people that matter will know the truth, right? And you can't control others. So just a little side note. Alright, so two, the three most common baits that you need to spot. I want you to hear these and think, yeah, then there. Because awareness is everything. So knowing what you're dealing with, again, so bait number one, the insult bait. That could just be as simple as, wow, calm down.
(06:11)Or You're so dramatic, you're so sensitive. It was just a joke. I'm literally saying this, and it is bringing me back, and I peeled a lot, so I'm not getting that visceral feeling I used to. But now I look at it, I'm like, oh, what? Oh, it was so slimy, so calculated, so arrogant, so narcissistic. But these are designed to make you feel like they know you have to defend yourself after that, right? So it's on purpose to make you defend yourself, to explain, or as most of us have done over, explain yourself or even get louder, baiting you to be the crazy one, the loud one, the overdramatic one who's now yelling, right? All of which feed them. So imagine their big old head with their big old mouth just waiting to be fed. You're taking the bait, you're feeding them, you're feeding them, you're reasoning, you're explaining your energy, your emotions.
(07:23)You're literally just giving them everything they freaking want. No more sis. Okay? The bait. Number two, the guilt bait. I know you're familiar with this one too, but we're calling it all out here. This is like a mic drop episode today, alright? After everything I've done for you, wah. Or I guess I'm just the bad guy. Oh, I love that one. I'm trying to think specifically. I remember a word, one of the narcs in my life. There's been a couple, but, oh, I guess I'm just the worst, I guess I'm just horrible. I guess I'm a horrible blah, blah, blah, because I'm a horrible boyfriend. Yeah, you fucking are. First of all, I Or oh, oh, so I'm the problem or I'm the problem now. Yeah. First of all, yeah, can we start saying just, yeah, and answering their questions. But these pull you into over-explaining and apologizing, right?
(08:25)Because when you're in it, and even now, you might be out of the situation, but still can fall for these tactics sometimes, because we were created as empaths, as sweet people with big hearts, we were created to not want to make people feel bad. So if a healthy person said something to you that might make you feel guilty, you would turn inward and say, oh, well, maybe I did something wrong. But these are unhealthy people. So knowing they're unhealthy and knowing these are specific lines and things, they say, oh, I'm the problem now. I guess I'm the bad guy, right? Healthy people don't do that. Healthy people come to you and say, look, I have a problem. How can we get through this? And they talk it out like adults. I'm not saying people don't have, there are occasional moments where they may not know the exact right thing to say, but if you're with a narcissist or you're dealing with a narcissist or questioning if they're a narcissist, they have a pattern of unhealthy guilt trips.
(09:34)So they're making you carry something that is not yours. And then the third bait is the chaos bait. How about when everything is fine? Things seem to be like, wow, this is the best we've ever been in a relationship. Or oh man, it's been nice and peaceful for a couple days probably because they can't really last super long. Boom, a fight over nothing, maybe anything, nothing. It isn't random. It's all about control, attention and emotional domination. When they feel like it's too quiet, they need the chaos. They need to be fed, they're hungry little animals with that mouth wide open, and they're just waiting for you to feed them that energy, that emotion, the defenses, the overexplaining. So once you can name these three baits, they actually lose a lot of their power. Okay, so now what number three is the tool? Pause, pivot, protect, pause, pivot, protect.
(10:50)Maybe write that down. This is your new queen level nervous system armor, pause. All right. This is where the magic happens. And yes, it can take a little time. I don't want you to get upset if you can't do these tools overnight, okay? But work on them before you respond. You get a text or even you're at drop off with your co-parenting, or they're your boss, or they're your parent. No one says you need to respond immediately. Even if you're in person, send to yourself. Take a breath, three seconds. Let your nervous system just have a moment to not take that bait. Okay? Let the spike settle. It's really a spike, right? Your response, that visceral response, then pivot. Pivot away from their intention, which we just discussed as chaos and toward your intention. Okay? What's your intention? Say it with me. Class, peace, boundaries, clarity, all of the above. And ask yourself. So you're taking a few seconds, ask yourself, does responding to this serve my peace?
(12:18)Sometimes you don't have to respond and you definitely don't have to respond or overexplain or give them emotion. You can walk away. I know with legal stuff, I have a lot. I mean, I think all my clients right now literally are dealing with co-parenting and exes. So if they're asking where drop off is, obviously there's things you need to respond to, but we're not talking about those things. We're talking about the situations where they are trying to get under your skin. They are guilt tripping you. They're saying, well, you didn't answer when I called. You don't even have to respond to that.
(13:08)Does responding to this serve my peace? Then you protect. Where's your golden bubble? This is where you respond or you choose not to from a grounded place. So here's where we go into scripts. I actually have some scripts I'll put in the show notes for you too, but examples of protective responses, I'm not available for this. Tone. Simple. Eat that, shove that whopper down your throat, or we can continue this when the conversation is respectful. Chew on those fries. By the way, guys, hold on if you're on video, I'm going to put this on YouTube. So I am wearing my Grinch socks from McDonald's. Did you see McDonald's? They have an adult happy meal that brought me so much joy, and it has. I love my a DD, don't you? It's a Grinch box it. And they have, I think it's a large fry in there.
(14:16)And then they have this packet of dill pickle seasoning, salt. It's Grinch salt. It's the whole Grinch theme. And you put it in a bag with the fries, shake it up. Holy cannoli. It is so delicious. I could scream. Oh, whoops. I keep forgetting. There's people in my house, the remodeler guys, they're right upstairs to eating lunch. They're probably like, why is that lady screaming about grinches? Anyway, the meal comes with a pair of socks, and I was so excited. I was hoping for the green pear because Grinch, and guess what? I got a green pear. That's favor. That's the favor of the Lord. All right, let's get back to it. We need a little break. This is heavy stuff. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yes, continuing when the conversation is respectful. Okay, another nice little response that's respectful, but direct, not emotional, right? Take your emotion out. Gray rock method people. If you haven't heard that episode of mine, it's gold. I will try to link that too. This isn't productive. Let's revisit later.
(15:26)Simple. Let's give them the naked old beans in their mouth. Okay? I don't even know what that meant, but I liked it. And then last, but definitely not least, silence. Yeah, silence is a very complete sentence, especially in the eyes of a narcissist. You're standing in front of a narcissist. That's a good answer. Silence. They might hate it. They use it as a weapon. Why can't you? All right. I'm not saying use it. I am going to bear again, a reminder, if in a legal situation you need to respond about a specific thing that has to do with your child, your mutual child, obviously you're going to have to not give them the silent treatment, but only on that specific area. If you get an email and they say, when are you dropping Olivia off at my house? And then they go on to say, you know this and that and the other, and you did this.
(16:30)And then I'll never forget how you did it. Just who knows? Do you know what they do? They bring up all sorts of trash to get a response. They can't just be human about it. So you respond to that email with 4:00 PM at the circle, whatever, facts, people. Facts. No drama, no excess information. They will, oh God, they want to eat information too. Okay? Their dessert is information from you, private information, any information that you do not have to give them legally do not give them. They will suck that cherry down real fast. Okay, where are we here? Oh, co-parent. Another co-parenting specific. I will only be responding to child related information. That should be upfront. I've talked about this to all of my clients. I will only be responding to child related information. Very important. And if you break it 40, what is that saying?
(17:42)My old substitute teacher used to say, 30 lashes with a wet noodle. It was Catholic school, I dunno. But you'll get 30 lashes of wet noodle from Mrs. Mancini. I think that was really her name. Wow, look at that. The a, DD. It doesn't stop me from remembering things from 1991. Alright, so make sure you're sticking to your own boundaries. If you're not, give yourself grace, you're human and you just went through hell. Or maybe it was a while ago, but you have PTSD from narcissism. So give yourself a little break. And last one, I'll review and reply within 24 hours, unless you have otherwise an apparent agreement, parental agreement, divorce, decree, whatever. If you have something that says you have to reply within 12 hours, you can't go against it. So whatever legally is binding. But if not, I'll review and reply within 24 hours.
(18:45)Instant deescalation tool brought to you by yours. Truly, you don't need to respond. We are conditioned by them to feel like we have to respond right away, or they're going to, who knows? What are they really going to do? If you're in a violent situation, that's a whole different story. If you're afraid of them violently, you need to deal with an attorney with that, the police with that restraining order with that. But if you're not, we are conditioned to be so hyper scared and fearing them so much that sometimes we lose the logical thought of the world's not going to end. If you don't fucking respond right now, I'll review it in 24 hours. You'll get something back. Won't be much though. Keep it simple, short.
(19:43)Now let's wrap it up here. Well, we're almost done. Let's see how much I have a little more. But this section here, your calm is actually the one thing they cannot control. And that calm will drive them mad. But that's a good thing I've found in my time. Okay? Dealing with narcissists, yes, initial the first time or times that you are calm and you don't take their bait, they can come harder. They can come louder. That's why I say if they're violent, obviously it's a different story and you need to deal with that legally. But if they're just being a tantrum baby, baby tantrum, I don't know. That's okay. You don't fold the longer you stick to it. My point is, long-term, you're going to be much better off.
(20:43)They never fully give up. Usually narcs, okay? But when it's too much of a fight, they can be very lazy. A lot of narcs are actually very freaking lazy. So eventually when they see you are, if you don't budge, and I'm a stubborn bull, so I got an upper hand on y'all, I'm sorry, but if you're a Taurus, what you can probably be as stubborn as me when you don't budge, eventually they do back off more, okay? The more you give, the more they're going to know that they can get that from you. And they're going to be like, oh, feet, miss S feed me. Okay? So you staying steady, it's not weak. You can think, oh, well, especially right after you're like, well, when you're in the start of your healing journey, it's like you almost can go the other side of the pendulum where it's like, well, I'm not going to stand for this and I'm going to stand up for myself now.
(21:42)Right? There can be that. It doesn't work with nurses. So you staying steady and calm, that is the strength, it's the strategy. And you get to choose your piece over their bullshit. This is all about your piece. And if you have a child, your child's peace, okay? So when a narcissist cannot bait you anymore, they will. I'm telling you, they will get louder, meaner, more dramatic, not because you're doing anything wrong and it might feel weird or like, wait, this isn't working. It will, it will work. But they're old tools. Stop working. So they're going, okay, what do I need to do? Oh shit, I need to get louder. I need to get scarier. I need to get more manipulative. I need to do a bigger smear campaign. Go smear mother. Ever. Go smear all you want. Do you know the smear campaigns that I had on my back? My own family?
(22:42)I mean, I had cousins. I had all sorts of crazy stuff being said about me. And I was like, well, the true ones will be here when I get out of this muddy freaking mess. And they were. And guess what? All those people that were told certain things and didn't know, like, oh, is that true? Guess who is super close with them now? This girl with her shiny ground, okay, you'll win in the end narcs. Don't win in the end. Trust me. Okay? So every time you choose that pause a boundary or silence, we love good silent treatment. You are rewiring your nervous system and breaking the trauma bond that the conditioning you've learned and that codependence and those strings, you may still have a couple tied that's trauma bonding, and we're going to sever the tie. But that's how you become unshakeable. That's how you get power back.
(23:46)How you stop feeding that big narc mouth who was never going to love you the way you deserved in the first place. Am I right? Am I right? Yes. Okay. So if today hit home for you, make sure you share this with a friend. Maybe they're in the thick of dealing with a toxic person. Even if there's not a narc, there's things here that are very relevant just to anyone in a relationship with somebody who's controlling or toxic. And if you want to go deeper into that nervous system healing that I talked about, boundaries that actually stick, getting rid of the guilt that comes with those boundaries and emotional freedom. You know where to find me, always in my show notes, all the links to all the things that are in there. I've different packages and it's really important for you coming up. The holidays are crazy, and then it's a new year, a new start, and you don't need to feel like this anymore.
(24:55)So if you're ready to step out of this and I got your hand, girl, we going to, I'm going to take you out of that mud, definitely. Let's do some one-on-one work all. You're not here to take the bait. Don't take the bait. We're going to make shirts. You are here to rise and shine your beautiful little crown, okay? And you're doing a great job already. So check out the show notes. You can also, if you have questions about working with me or anything else in this episode, or I forgot to put a link, you can email me. My email will always be there. It's fierce Mama C at gmail. Alright, I will see you in Thursday's episode, which will be a somatic healing exercise related to today's episode because all the magic needs to happen in that body. Okay, see you the next one. Bye.

Nervous System Reset When You Can't Stop Thinking About the Narcissist

Episode Summary
If the narcissist is gone but your thoughts are still stuck on replay, you are not alone. After narcissistic abuse, your nervous system can stay stuck in hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and mental loops — even long after the relationship ends.
In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a fast, somatic reset you can use any time those obsessive thoughts flare up. You'll learn how to interrupt the loop, ground your nervous system, and bring your mind back into the present moment where you are safe. These tools take less than a minute and help retrain your brain to stop reacting as if the narcissist is still in your life.
Your Next Step in Healing
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic HealingFor survivors navigating intrusive thoughts, trauma bonds, co-parenting chaos, or emotional aftershocks of narcissistic abuse, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.
1-Month Private Coachinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Get My Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsScripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/
Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Facebook CommunityConnect with other women healing from narcissistic abusehttps://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you, you guys. I'm in my basement, I'm in my pajamas, no makeup, hair, freshly washed and air dried, and we're ready to go. Hopefully you can hear me okay. So yes, we're doing a little video today. I'm proud. I'm trying out my old way where I used to do video too with my fuzzy pink mike. Ooh, matches my outfit. I feel like I'm like a candy cane over here if you can see me and that's something special. If not, it's something special. All right, so today we are doing a Thrive in five related to Tuesday's episode, which is why you're still thinking about the narcissist 24 7. If you have not watched that episode, go check it out.
(01:08)Today we're doing a somatic reset for when you can't stop thinking about them. So first of all, you are not broken if you're still thinking about them. I know it's not fun, but even when narcissists are outside of our life or if we're no contact or we've pulled back, whatever, if your co-parenting, your nervous system is still unwinding from the chaos, the intensity and the constant emotional curve balls, right? So today I'm going to give you five somatic tools that you can use in the moment your mind starts looping. Okay? Alright. Number one, the thought to body check-in. So when a thought pops up, one of those, questioning yourself, questioning why something happened. Just agitation, anything that puts your nervous system into that like not okay mode. Notice where specifically am I feeling this in my body? Is it tension in the chest? Is it a knot in your throat?
(02:23)Is it a sick stomach, butterfly? Kind of not in a good way. Feeling in the stomach, locating the sensation shifts you out of the story and into the present moment into reality. And the first step is breaking that loop. The second we're going to talk about a jaw and tongue release, and this is like an instant deescalation. So drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth. A lot of times it's held up there, you don't even notice, right? Drop it all the way down. Don't even let the tip, the tip off and we'll try to hang onto to the back of your teeth. That's called trauma, baby. You got trauma mouth. Alright, we're going to release the tongue all the way. Unc unclench your jaw. Let it relax. Look, I'm doing it now. You can't understand me. Then gently open and close it two to three times. Then let out a verbal sigh. Okay? So open, I'm going to do it and if you can see, it's going to be the best thing you ever saw today. All right, gently open and close three times. So go.
(03:49)I know that was not my best look, it's not going to be yours either, but here we are. Okay. This though tells your brain the danger is not here anymore. You're out of danger and your thoughts soften almost immediately. If you got to go for a round two, do it. But one round of that, you should notice an immediate difference. Okay? Number three, the squeeze and melt pattern. Interrupt. If you've been in any of my yoga classes, anything like that, I love a good melt session. So make gentle fists. Squeeze your hands, your arms or your legs. I generally like to do hands and arms and you squeeze them for five seconds, like Mississippi seconds, not 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, like one Mississippi, two, right? You're tensing as best as you can release.
(04:54)Repeat this twice, three times if you're feeling edgy. Okay? This is, it completes the stress response cycle and gives your nervous system a nice clean grounding reset. Number four, orienting, which we've done a lot of on this podcast, it's good, it's good, easy, simple work. You can teach it to your kindergartner, right? They can do it, you can do it and it works. My daughter just said she used it like two days ago. She said she was getting a little stressed out about something. It happens. We're tweeting now. And she said, and I did that thing you do. She didn't remember the name, but here's an example of it. Pick a color, blue, green, yellow, whatever. I'm going to go purple and find five things in your space that match the color. So I'd say purple. Of course I have barely anything purple here. It's going to take a while.
(05:58)I'm really going to have to get present there. I found one. There's a stripe on the clock that's purple. There's a little ball that's purple. There's a basket that's purple. So this pulls your brain out of the trauma time and it's pulling it into the present, into the right now where you are safe. So it's pulling your body back from the unsafe place where your body still thinks it is clearly and it's saying, Hey, you're here with all this purple shit and you're safe, right? Number five, which you can do this one alone at any time, it's an easy one. But paired all of these paired together are a swell team. All right, number five, the I'm here. They're not breath. So you inhale through your nose in this is called a halo breath in through the nose, we're going to do four seconds. So in 4, 3, 2, 1, exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
(07:17)And on that exhale, you're going to say internally or out loud, if you're a loud ass like me and you're going to say, I'm here. It's kind of hard to, I'm here as you're exhaling, but it's possible. Now you can say, breathe, exhale out and then say, I'm here. So through the nose, four out through the mouth, six internally saying, I'm here. Pause. Then there not, okay, obviously if they're right there, this isn't going to work. This is one of those, they can't be right next to you. This anchors your system though into the truth. The narcissist is no longer the context you're living in. Technically they could be right next to you. You can still do it not as effective, but as a representation of they're no longer if you're out of the situation, but you're still not there in the way they used to be where you lived under the same roof and you had to be on eggshells 24 7.
(08:32)You're not in that situation anymore. But this is more effective if they're not sitting right next to, it's a good reminder. You're in a safe space. You're away from them. They are not here. I'm not under their thumb. Namaste, mofo. Okay? So use any and all of these tools. Anytime you start the loop, the spiral, okay? You're not obsessing, you are healing. If you were still in the same situation, you, you wouldn't be able to do this even this much. So I want you to remember that. Give yourself grace. I have a lot of clients currently having a theme I've noticed of beating themselves up and saying questioning, why am I like this when it's even some of my clients are pretty fresh out of these situations and they're asking, why do I feel stuck? If you were stuck, you would still be in this situation you were in and you wouldn't be able to even do any of these tools or use any of these tools.
(09:44)You wouldn't be here with me now. So it shows your growth. It doesn't feel like it or it feels like it's taking a long time because it's painful. This isn't like jump overnight, but when we do one-on-one work, and you can ask any of my clients, there are major shifts. There are major shifts. And when we do the somatic healing, that's that body work healing through the body so that the body can catch up with the mind. Because remember, the body remembers everything. The body can get stuck. So we have to let it catch up and that's where the somatic healing comes in. So if you want to sign up, I have monthly and three month sessions right now, three months, your whole world is going to blast open. It's going to be freaking amazing. By the end of three months, you're going to not going to recognize yourself in a good way. Not saying you're bad, but guess what? You are. You're a queen and you're going to be a double queen. And you don't even know what that feels like. You haven't tasted the life of a double queen, but it's amazing, super peaceful, super confident, knowing who you are, finding that truth of who you really are. That person maybe you miss or you never really met that is inside of you. It is an amazing feeling to live this way.
(11:17)And then we have monthly, which obviously is you pay for a month of sessions and you can always keep going, add on. But that is also very transformational. That is for someone who is ready to do this is all you're ready to do the work, right? This is like, I am so tired of feeling like this. I am sick of feeling guilty. I'm sick of feeling confused like why this happened or how am I affecting my kid? Is it my fault that some of this happened? All of these questions you need answered, I'm here to help answer them. And I'm here to also help shift the inside turmoil.
(12:13)We are here, we go on journeys together, magical little journeys. I call 'em soul. Call 'em soul cas because they're actually, it's like a massage for the soul. It is. You come out of it and you feel amazing. So I know I'm blabbing on, but it's hard to describe it in a sentence what it's like, right? If you want to read more about it, there is the link in the show notes. Go ahead and click over there and then you can read more details on each option. And what else? My free Facebook group, come join other women just like you. It's private. So I go through all the questions making sure no creepy people slip into our group. It is a women empowerment group for narcissistic abuse victims. And yes, definitely join that and always check out the show notes for any information I talk about.
(13:14)And don't forget to follow the podcast so you can get the next episode, because who would want to Ms. Christian or pajamas? Not you? Look, if you're listening right now, go peep over to my YouTube channel. I'll put the link that I have to remember the link to my YouTube channel so you're able to see it. All right? Catch you on the flippy. How is it? December already? Are you ready for the holidays? If you're co-parenting with the narc or you've got a close narc, you probably are not because you know the narcs come out like crazy during the holiday season because they do not want you to enjoy it. Okay? Let's be real. I will probably do another episode on that. I just did one about Thanksgiving, how the narcs act up even more around Thanksgiving. But I'll probably do one closer to Hanukkah and Christmas as well.
(14:14)So look out for that. I'll see you in the next episode. And remember, I got you, I see you, I understand what you are going through and I know how to help you. So if you want my help, you know where to find me in the lovely little show notes, and I promise I won't wear my pajamas to our sessions, okay? Unless you put a special request in, I should start doing that. You want me to wear a crown? You want me to wear some pajamas? Just let me know. Alright? I also always have my email address so you can write. Say hello, introduce yourself, ask a question. I love getting emails from you guys. All right, so keep 'em coming. All right, see you in the next episode. Love u. Bye.

The Narcissist Is Gone… So Why Are You Still Thinking About Them 24/7?

Episode SummaryIf the narcissist is no longer in your life but your mind still won’t let them go — replaying memories, overanalyzing past conversations, or bracing for a blow that isn’t coming — you are not alone. Obsessive thinking after narcissistic abuse is a normal trauma response, not a sign that you miss them or that something is wrong with you.
In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly why your brain keeps looping back to the narcissist 24/7, what your nervous system is trying to protect you from, and how trauma bonds + hypervigilance get wired into your body. You’ll learn the steps to interrupt the loop, calm your system, and finally start reclaiming your peace and mental space.
This is your guide to taking your mind back — one breath, one shift, one moment of safety at a time.
Your Next Step in Healing
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic HealingFor survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.
1-Month Private Coachinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Get My Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsScripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/
Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Facebook CommunityConnect with other women healing from narcissistic abusehttps://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Girl, if the narcissist is long gone, but your brain is still acting like they're standing in your kitchen judging the way you slice strawberries. This episode is for you because today we're talking about why your mind won't shut up about them, even though you know they're toxic, they're gone, they're blocked, whatever, and hopefully living their best, irrelevant life. Alright, let's get your peace and your brain back online. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.
(01:01)Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. All right, Queens, welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. It's Christy Jade, your coach, your hype woman, your peace protecting partner, most importantly. And today we are going deep into one of the biggest things I hear from survivors. Christie, why am I still thinking about them all the time? I don't even want to. You are not crazy. You're not weak. I'm going to repeat that again. You are not weak. You are not stuck in the past. Even your brain is literally doing exactly what it was trained to do under trauma.
(02:02)Today, you're going to understand why this happens. And more importantly, how to stop the obsessive loop so you can reclaim that big, beautiful queen brain of yours. Alright? So the truth that you have never really been told here is the wildest part. Your brain isn't thinking about the narcissist, it's thinking about danger. But because the narcissist was the danger, your brain glued the two together. So during the narcissistic abuse, your nervous system learns, if I don't predict their behavior, I might get hurt. If I don't stay hyper aware, I won't see the next explosion coming. Or if I miss a signal, chaos will hit. So your brain starts scanning, monitoring, remembering, analyzing. Also, you can, it's trying to help you out, sister, okay? But guess what? Your nervous system doesn't just magically unlearn that pattern just because the narcissist is gone. It's like firing a horrible employee.
(03:14)But your security alarm still go off every time the wind blows, right? The thread is gone, but the wiring is still on. It's still there. All right? So the three reasons your brain won't let go first, your body is still in survival mode. So hyper vigilance is actually a physical state, not an intellectual decision. So even if you know the narcissist is gone, your nervous system, your body basically has not caught up with that yet. Okay? Two, your brain got addicted to predicting the unpredictable. Say that five times best. Alright, I call this the mental Olympics. You trained your brain and it's not your fault, right? But you did it. It was a thing for a safety trained your brain to analyze every micro expression, every text tone, every sigh they made, your brain became a full-time detective. Now it's retired, but it's still pacing around with its magnifying glass saying, what do I do now?
(04:28)What do I do now because it's addicted? And number three, trauma bonds are real chemicals. They are not choices. Dopamine plus cortisol plus intermittent reinforcement equals your brain learned to chase clarity from someone who never gave it. Okay, I'll say that again. Your brain learned to chase clarity from someone who never gave it. It really wanted that clarity, didn't it? You know what I'm talking about, girl? So those loops don't shut off overnight. And again, it is not your fault. It is not your fault at all. Take a deep breath, release that shit. It's not your fault. So here's the shift time why you can finally let them go. Here's the good news. We want good news in this, right? Your brain can be rewired, it can learn safety again. It can learn peace again. It can learn you again. I love that part. It can learn you again.
(05:39)You are not condemned to think about them forever. You just haven't given your nervous system the okay to stop doing the job it was forced into or it hasn't totally processed it. And healing isn't about forgetting them. It's about retraining your system to stop anticipating danger. I'm going to say that again. It's about retraining your system to stop anticipating the danger. And that's what we're going to do next. The break the loop blueprint. Let's do it. Here are the exact three practices that help myself. Some of my clients stop the obsessive thought cycles fast and for real. Okay? So first, you ground your body before you try to fix your thoughts. We are in our heads, right? Survivors are in their heads all the time, but the thoughts live in the mind. The trauma loop lives in your body and your body has to feel safe before your mind can actually let go.
(06:53)So it's kind of like we try to do it reversed, right? Do this, put your hand on your chest. Inhale for four seconds and exhale for six. You always want to exhale a little longer during these sessions. Inhale 4, 3, 2, 1, and exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Feel your feet on the floor. Say, I am safe in this moment. Okay? This is telling your brain we're not in danger anymore. Now, you can interrupt the loop with curiosity, not criticism. So instead of, oh, why am I still thinking about them, which I have heard more than I can even count, try, what is my brain trying to protect me from right now? What is my brain trying to protect me from? This flips the script from shame to self-understanding. What is my brain trying to protect me from?
(08:00)And then you replace the survival job with a new one. Your brain's very busy. She's go-getter. She's an amazing queen. She got a queen brain, got to keep her shiny. She's got jobs to do. She needs a new job. So what are some jobs we could do here? Noticing pleasure, noticing your breath, noticing stillness, noticing what feels good, noticing you who you are, your truth, your beliefs. This is why this somatic work changes everything. I've been doing so much somatic work with my clients recently. And girl, if you want that deep somatic healing, I'm talking that body shift where the body just gets to rewrite, release, truly shift so that the mind can let go too. You need to do somatic work with me. You need to. It's you got to go sign up right now. Pause this, go to my show notes and sign up for one of my packages.
(09:10)They're always there in the show notes. Anyway, somatic healing is mind blowing. If you want to find out more too, click on the link and it will give you a little more description than I'm giving you right now. But when your body learns that safety, your brain can start to slow down. That scanning eventually stop. That's the goal. To stop all the scanning, the living and hypervigilance is exhausting. I know I've been there. Okay, so your obsessive thoughts do not mean you actually miss them. They don't mean you're weak. I'm going to repeat that 80 times in today's episode. They don't mean you're weak. They don't mean you're failing at healing. They mean your brain is loyal. It's protected you for a long time. This could be from the person you have in mind right now. Could also be someone, a parent, a sibling, someone in your childhood.
(10:13)It could be stacked together, multiple people, but your brain has been protecting you. And now we have to teach at peace. And you don't have to do that alone, right? This is why I help women do what we do every single day. Let's get your life back. Let's get your mind back. Let's get you back. The real you that you deserve to have hosting this life, right? Not living in this constant obsessive thoughts in general, the anxieties of the hypervigilance, and then the thoughts about them. So definitely sign up in my show notes. I have limited availability, but I am taking, probably can squeeze in one or two clients. And when you sign up, we will figure out a schedule that works for you. Don't worry. So if you sign up, don't worry, I have enough space in my calendar. I do this on purpose where I leave space for you guys, so I can really, really give my all to each of you. Okay?
(11:25)That's it for this week on, not this week for today, Thursday, later this week, we'll do a little extra somatic exercise related to this. And don't forget to follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow my podcast on my main page. Hit the follow button of wherever you're listening so you don't miss an episode, and you can join my free Facebook private group. Okay? It's private. It is not public. I go through every single, this is one of the pains in my asses of what I do. One of those backend of business things they call it. I go through everyone's questions. I make sure you are legit people. That's why you have to give your email address. I'm very, we're keeping you people safe and private, okay? So it a safe, private space where women like you are there and we can chat and share stories, and I'll do little live videos. So go join that sign up for somatic Healing with me. If you want true transformation, if you feel like your brain is all over the place and you just feel ready to heal, but don't know what to do, you have these obsessive thoughts. I'm your queen master. We're going to master this together. Okay? So love you guys. See you in the next episode.

Surviving a Toxic Thanksgiving? Your 5-Step Sanity Saver to Protect Your Peace

Episode SummaryIf Thanksgiving brings up anxiety, dread, or that tight feeling in your chest because a toxic or narcissistic family member might be there… you are not alone. Holiday gatherings can activate old wounds, emotional landmines, and survival instincts you didn’t ask for.
In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly how to stay grounded, calm, and in your power — even if the room is dripping with passive-aggressive comments, guilt trips, or classic narcissistic behavior. You’ll learn how to prepare your energy ahead of time, protect your emotional space in the moment, and end the night without absorbing anyone’s chaos.
This is your 5-Step Sanity Saver for the holidays.
Your Next Step in HealingWork 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic HealingFor survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.
1-Month Private Coachinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Get My Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsScripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/
Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Facebook CommunityConnect with other women healing from narcissistic abusehttps://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello Queens. This is your Thrive in five, a special episode for the holidays coming up. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, whatever you are celebrating, the narc, I'm sure will not want you to be happy. So they are going to cause you distress in whatever way they can. We know that's true. If you haven't listened to Monday's episode, I posted a little early this week because of the holiday. Make sure to check that out. That is more specific to even helping if they're trying to change plans and whatever. And you can use some of these tips for that situation. But also these tips for if there is someone at the place you're going to, if you co-parent, maybe you parallel parent and they're going to be there, or maybe it's just a toxic family member, whatever it is. I got you covered for this holiday piece.
(00:52)Reset. So Thanksgiving is supposed to be this feeling of warmth, grounding, connectedness. But when there's a narcissist or any toxic person in the mix, your nervous system is already on guard before the Turkey even hits that table. Queen, we know that, right? You go in like, oh gosh, I'm going to have to deal with this. And you already go in stressed out. So I'm going to give you some five steps, sanity, savers for the holiday season. Number one, pre decide your energy. This is where people don't like, always love this. But you get to make choices and decide. So before you walk in to whatever situation, or even if you're answering a text about your ex trying to change plans, you choose the vibe you're going to bring into that conversation, into that room. You're going to bring what? Anybody? Anybody? Yes. The one in the crown.
(01:57)Good, yes. Calm, neutral, and unshakeable. Okay? No one gets to hijack that. Number two, set your internal boundary. So a simple mindset shift, like their behavior is about them. My piece is about me. It keeps their chaos out of your body. So really differentiate. I like to zoom out. I'm very visual. If you're a visual person, this will help kind of having a zoomed out observation kind of mode going on where you're picturing you and them, your separate entities, they have a bunch of dark, crazy, chaotic energy that they can bring all they want you are going to envision. You are in a golden globe of calm and joy, and you're not going to let their dark energy penetrate yours. So if you're visual, that'll help. If not, just think in your mind, their behaviors about them. My piece is about me, and if you have a child, you're a child as well.
(03:02)Alright, number three, keep a grounding anchor nearby. This could be a bracelet, a ring, a cold drink, something you can touch to reset your nervous system. When tension rises. I prefer a bracelet. I don't know why. Just like that. And I don't really need that hack anymore. But when I was first going through a lot of toxicity separation and I would start to get in my head, or if I had to be around the person, I would use that. I liked the kind of just moving that bracelet around, fidgeting with it, whatever, and kind of just focusing on that and breathing and getting through it. So anchoring on something tangible that you can touch to just kind of reset your nervous system. Number four, take micro breaks. You're allowed to step out, step outside, go to the bathroom, take some breaths, pretend to check a message.
(04:00)You don't need permission to protect your peace. If let's say it is even just someone toxic at your Thanksgiving, uncle, uncle Charlie, he's at it again, talking politics, screaming around. You can say, oh, I've got to take this call. That's imaginary. Okay? Step outside. You can just go to the bathroom, take a few breaths. Remember, it's them. It's their chaos. Don't let it go into your glorious love bubble. Okay? And number five, end the night with the nervous system. Exhale. So stretch, breathe, journal, take a nice shower or bubble bath. Anything that tells your body it's over. I'm safe now. And it might just be this whole week. Maybe you were fighting with your ex over the holidays and who gets what, right? Or not who gets what, but what? Visitation rights. You already have a plan and they're trying to change it last minute.
(05:01)All of this stuff I've heard from my clients. A lot of stuff going on with holiday drama. So even if it's just been a rough week altogether, give yourself time for you to kind of rejuvenate and remind yourself, look, it's over. Take a breath. I'm safe now. That's important. Just that I'm safe, right? You are safe. Even if your body is triggered and having PTSD, that might feel like it's not safe. So you don't have to fix anybody. You don't have to match anyone's energy. Be like, well, if they're going to be like this, I'm going to be like, that's your choice. But that sucks. You don't want to match their nasty energy. It's the whole point. You don't want to be around them and you just have to stay connected to you, okay? And your child of course, if you have a child with you.
(05:51)So if you want to, in between now and Christmas, if you're a little worried about Christmas and holiday season, I do have openings for one-on-one. I will always have that in the show notes. If you want to check out how to work with me and really customize this journey. I mean, I love all my podcasts and my tips. I know they're helpful. I get emails from you guys saying how helpful they are, and that makes me so, so happy. But if you want true, transformational, long lasting, deeper healing, you really do need to have somebody there with you, whether it's me or somebody else. If you have a great therapist that really knows narcissism, congratulations. That's amazing. I have a lot of clients come in to me that say, I just can't find a therapist that really gets it. And they know I get it.
(06:45)Obviously I get this stuff. So I would love to work with anyone who is not currently living. If you are in a situation and you're currently still married, living with the narcissist, I do not take clients on that are still in an unsafe situation. But if you have removed yourself and you are now on that cycle to healing that beautiful journey, congratulations and I do have openings. So we can, if you have any questions, feel free to email me. My email is always in the show notes as well. Alright, you guys have a safe and happy and peaceful Thanksgiving and holiday season. And don't forget to follow my podcast. So you get every episode it. Everyone needs a little queeny podcast. All right, love you guys. See you in the next one.

Thanksgiving With a Narcissistic Co-Parent : How to Handle Last-Minute Chaos and Protect Your Peace

Episode SummaryThanksgiving with a narcissistic co-parent can feel like a minefield of last-minute schedule changes, emotional manipulation, and attempts to destabilize your peace. In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly how to stay calm, stick to the plan, support your kids, and shut down the holiday chaos narcissists love to create. You’ll learn the top manipulation tactics used during Thanksgiving, how to respond without feeding the drama, and how to regulate your nervous system when the co-parent tries to throw you off balance.
Your Next Step in HealingWork 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic HealingFor survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.
1-Month Private Coachinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healinghttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
What You’ll Learn This Episode• Why narcissistic co-parents create chaos around holidays• The most common Thanksgiving manipulation tactics• Scripts for shutting down last-minute changes and guilt trips• How to keep the kids emotionally safe during the holiday• A 60-second somatic grounding tool you can use anywhere• How to stay centered even when the co-parent is unpredictable
Get My Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsScripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/
Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Facebook CommunityConnect with other women healing from narcissistic abusehttps://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If Thanksgiving with your narcissistic co-parent feels like waiting for a bomb to go off the last minute schedule changes, the guilt trips, just the chaos in general, this episode is your comb before the storm plan. I'm going to give you the exact tools to help you keep your peace, your power, and those little kiddos protected no matter what. They try this holiday, have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the  place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted.
(01:00)Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. Hello, gorgeous. It's Christie. And today we are diving into the biggest stress point for so many of my listeners around this time of year Thanksgiving with a narcissistic. They come out when it is holiday season, so Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, all the major holidays around here. It'll be kind of relevant to all of them, but we'll definitely do another episode as Christmas and Hanukkah approach. But listen, the Turkey isn't the only thing that gets roasted this time of year. So do your nerves if you've got a narc in your life, am I ?
(02:01)Am I ? See what I did there? Al, so every November I get that he changed the pickup time again. He wants to switch days without asking. He's using the holiday to get to me. He's guilt tripping the kids about who they love more. This all comes up because it's holiday time, So if this is you, you are not alone, you're not crazy, and you are not powerless. Today we are going to break down how to handle the last minute chaos, the emotional manipulation, and the holiday drama that narcissistic co-parents love to create without sacrificing your mental health or your peace. So let's get into it. So why do narcissists love the holiday drama? If you've noticed that the narcissist to co-parent gets worse around Thanksgiving, you are not imagining that. See the holidays amplify the things narcissists crave most. Are you ready? What do we know They love Attention.
(03:07)Yes. Control power. Double up a stage to play the victim or the hero and opportunities to create conflict. Thanksgiving gives them the perfect setup for the manipulative behavior because it has all of these parts. It's got schedules, expectations, family dynamics, your kids' emotions, traditions, logistics and deadlines. So these are tools in their little crappy toolbox and they create chaos to throw you off those schedules, those expectations they know you lean on. Ooh, they want you to not have the power to throw you off. They love confusing you, same sort of thing. And they also want to test your boundaries. And they love nothing more than what Getting an emotional reaction. You guys know that. They also do it to feel important. They're like, Ooh, look at all the chaos. It just helps them feel better in a sick way and it keeps you in panic mode and they love all those things.
(04:25)So understanding this is that first step to taking your control back again. Okay, so what are three of the most common Thanksgiving manipulation tactics? The last minute schedule change. They'll say, I need an extra hour. I'm running late. Actually I want them in the morning. Instead, plans are changed. Just deal with it. This is not poor planning. This is power. It's always power, ? The second one is the guilt trip or hero complex combo. So they'll try, if you cared about the kids, you'd let me, blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to make Thanksgiving special. Or you are being difficult. They love a good flip around translation. I need to be the hero. So let me control the day. And the third common Thanksgiving manipulation is the kids as messengers move, this one gets under my skin. You too. They'll send emotional bombs through the children.
(05:32)So something like daddy's so sad he can't see you all day, but mommy wouldn't let you stay or daddy wishes that he didn't have to share, ? If you're doing this, by the way at all, any of this, don't do it. Okay? I know we can have our moments as well. So make sure, and I know you're not a narcissist, but don't pick up. It's hard. I won't get into this in this episode, but it is a good episode. I should probably do about just almost like the getting back at or tit for tatting never fall into their trap, but any guilt trip to the kids, never, ever, ever do this. So something like daddy wishes he didn't have to share, but I do. Okay? It's not healthy, but they do it and they do it a lot. So this puts the kids in the emotional crossfire, which is not okay, but you can respond without adding fuel and we'll get there too.
(06:34)So then the calm confidence response plan. So we have some scripts included in this. You love a good script. I do. Good. Stick around. Stick with Christie here. Al, so boundary. Skip for a last minute schedule. Change something like this. Thanks for letting me know. We'll stick to the parenting agreement. I'll see you at 11 o'clock or whatever the scheduled time is. You can say the scheduled time. 11:00 AM ? Put it in writing. If you guys have not gotten this in your heads yet, put everything in writing. Everything in writing. Preferably use Family wizard or some third party app that your attorney or anyone else, the courts, if they need access, everything is recorded in one place. But anyway, keep it short, neutral, no emotions. If you get anything out of all my podcast, keep your emotions out of it and no openings for them to counter, ?
(07:35)It's just like, oh, thanks for letting me know, but we're going to stick to the plan, the parenting agreement. See you at 11, no opening. We're not negotiating. Not with the terrorist. Al? And a boundary script. If they push again, because we know our arcs, the plan is already set. I'll see you at the agreed time. A boundary script for guilt trips. I'm not discussing this. Please keep communication to logistics only boundary script for kids as messengers, which we again say a big hell no response for that. I'll communicate directly with you. Please don't give the kids messages meant for adults. Okay? And again, put these all in writing if possible. If you're face-to-face, you also can use them verbally. But these send a clear message. I'm not playing your holiday games. Okay, Rudolph, stay in your lane, stay in your damn lane. Okay? So let's add a little 62nd nervous system reset for holiday moments.
(08:44)And I'll probably be doing the Thrive five along these lines, but maybe you're not going to have time to watch, to have time to listen to Thursday's show because it'll be Thanksgiving. I'll probably post it Wednesday night. Maybe I will actually post it that night. That's a good idea. So then if you do have time Wednesday, you can listen to it before the big Turkey day. I'll do a thrive in five for that. Okay? So that's the plan for you guys. Okay? Change of plans on my end. I'm like a narc on Thanksgiving. Changing plans last minute. Al? So if you start to feel your chest tighten in these moments, your stomach drop or your brain spinning, do this. Okay, let's call it a holiday grounding reset. Shall we give it a little fun? Tinsel first, plant your feet and feel the floor. If you can take your shoes off, really feel grounded, then exhale longer than you inhale.
(09:45)So you're inhaling maybe two seconds in, two, one out, 4, 3, 2, 1. Then we do the five visual things around you name 'em. So you're looking around palm tree fan curtain, red shirt, chipped nails. I got to get a manicure. Okay? That keeps you in the present. Then you're going to place your hand on your heart and you're going to tell you all sexy old body, you are safe. I am here. You are not alone, okay? You're never alone. You got the big GOD with you. And if you're not a God believer, whatever, whoever, however, I'm a big God person, so I love having God with me at all times. You could be like, I got Christy Jade and her queen ass crown with me. Okay? You are safe. I'm here. You're not alone. You always got yourself and either God or creepy Christy with her crown.
(10:53)I don't know why I'm there with you. Things just got weird. Al? So this works because you're bringing your nervous system out of the threat mode, which is exactly where narcissists tried to push you, ? They want you there feeling just rattled. And you are going to be, believe me, you will work with me. You're going, you're going to get real close to getting unrattled barely ever. And then maybe never. Yay. We love that. All ? And then the kids need one regulated parent. So this has to be you. It can and it will. Even if that's not  this second, that's fine. Okay? You have time. We'll get there. Even if the co-parent acts up, even if the schedule changes, even if they try to guilt trip the kids, you can and should be the emotional anchor in your home. And it sucks being the bigger person.
(11:53)But here we are, you have been chosen, okay, speaking of that big man upstairs, thanks God for choosing us to be the bigger people. Such an easy job, al? But when you stay steady, your kids feel steady. When you regulate yourself, the kids regulate faster, they learn from you. When you refuse to take the bait from that narc, the drama fizzles out quicker. And that's good for everybody. And you cannot control the narcissist behavior, but you can control your energy, your boundaries, and your peace. And that is what changes the entire holiday. So if the holidays are brutal with a narcissistic, this is exactly the work I do with my one-on-one clients. The nervous system support the scripts, the strategy, the healing, all the goodness. So my spots are very limited, and that means that's because emotionally I put everything into my clients. If you're a client of mine, you're probably like, yep, that's true.
(13:06)I will go above and beyond. So I put a lot of myself into this coaching and somatic healing. So I do open spots in my schedule, but I only take on a certain amount of clients at a time.  now, I have had an influx, a lot of ongoing clients, so three month clients. So that means that I have a couple spots open. And in January, I think in January, one spot opens up unless they continue on, which often my clients do after the three months. But just saying, if you're interested in working with me in December, let me know. Some of you, I had someone reach out asking about January already. You can do that too though. If you want to sign up, but you feel like the holidays, it's too chaotic, whatever, email me, let me know. We will figure out a little plan and put you on.
(14:06)We can not put you on the schedule in January, but we can talk and leave it open. So I will let you know when time opens up and we can put you on the schedule that way. So really, if you want that nervous system support and the scripts that are personalized to you in your situation and just trying to understand the narcissist, some of you are still kind of working that out. But then the somatic healing is where this magic, epic, crazy mind blowing work comes I every single time, which is almost every, I would say 98% of my calls, I do some sort of somatic healing. It is just indescribable amazing work. It's why I do what I do now because the shifts that come so quickly in people is beautiful and it feels like magic. I mean, that sounds hokey. And I'm not saying magic in the woo woo magic which way I'm saying magic in a God way, a spiritual way.
(15:14)It's magic because, and our bodies are magic. The body remembers trauma and your brain and your body are not always in sync. So you can mentally even kind of rewrite some things and be like, I know that. I know that it wasn't my fault and I've pushed the guilt away. But deep down, you still are carrying guilt that is physically weighing your shoulders down or has you in knots in your stomach, or anytime you see their name, it triggers you as if you're still living with that person. These are the things we work on. And if you want more information, there's always information in my show notes. So you can click on the links there to get more information. If you want to sign up, you can sign up. But if you want to just read more about it before you sign up, it goes into more detail.
(16:06)And you can always email me and my emails in the show notes too. Fierce Mama C at Gmail. That's , I'm fierce, I'm a mama and I'm C and I'm ready to work with you. Let's go change some lives. And you guys, I have news for you. I've got news and I'll tell you my news. Are you ready for it? Are you still waiting? Are you still here on the edge of your seat? I have finished the first pass of my book, which is going to be about yes, narcissistic abuse recovery because duh, ? But it's going to have my queen flavor in it. This won't be a boring book. This is going to be a sassy educational but glittery empowering book. And I'm so excited, so excited. I am going to add a little more flavor to it. I was focusing on the content.
(17:06)My first pass, it has a little of me of course naturally, but I'm going to try to stylize it just a touch more. And then I am going to, I've been in touch with a couple editors, reach out to a couple more. I'm trying to go big mama's going, big mama's reaching out to editors that are maybe out of my league. But I believe God wants this book to impact a lot of people. And I believe in my work and you guys are so amazing and I want more people like you to be able to be helped and make it in not such a stale. I want it to be not fun, but we have fun, don't we? Clients out there. We have some fun a little bit.
(17:56)This is really empowering work and I want it to be uplifting and I want this book to be. It is uplifting and making women feel empowered and sparkly and knowing their truth and re-identifying themselves. It's going to be a great book. And so I'm really excited. And if you know an editor that's amazing and you want to recommend anyone, I never know what contacts I have on here, please email me. So I am looking for a developmental editor first to just make sure all the loose ends are tied up. And I'd really love to get it published in 2026. I don't know if that's over aspirational, but I'm a quick lady. They don't call me a bunny for no reason, okay? I'm bunny with a crown. So that's just something really exciting I wanted to share with you guys and I hope that you will all enjoy reading it.
(18:59)I think you will. I can't wait till it's just printed and in my hands and bookstores. It's just going to be amazing. Al, so look, Thanksgiving back to the content at hand here. Thanksgiving does not have to be a battlefield with an arc. It seems like it does, ? But it's not going to ever be perfect and flowy like you're dealing with a healthy human. But you are allowed to keep things simple. Stick to the plan, protect your peace and your children's peace. Refuse their manipulation. Have a nice holiday and choose the calm over the chaos. You got to really start seeing the chaos for what it is from a zoomed out lens. Say that's chaos. How can I avoid being in the chaos? Don't take the bait, don't be emotional. Do a 92nd, even a ten second body, calm down. Reminding yourself, this is always motivation for me.
(19:58)I want my daughter to have peace. So calm the F down. You little crazy Italian woman inside in there. Okay? Do you have a little crazy Italian in you too? Al, so this here, your mantra is their chaos is not my responsibility. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you. And if it gets too chaotic, you can walk the hell out, whatever you got to do or walk away, ? You've got this and I am here.  here cheering you on. Okay? So I will see you in the next episode. I will post that Wednesday. I don't know exactly what time, but I will try to do it maybe on the earlier side. Maybe I can post it Tuesday night. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. So sparkle, sparkle up. Okay, enjoy your Turkey and your mashed potatoes and your stuffing. My favorite, I think, I don't know.
(20:57)I don't even care about the Turkey. Don't hurt me. It's that stuffing in the mashed potatoes for me. I love them both. It equally. Maybe stuffing a hair more. I have potatoes so much more throughout the year, so it's kind of like stuffings a little special. I should do an episode on stuffing. No, but email me and tell me your favorite side on Thanksgiving, acquiring wines mines. Want to know? I also make my own cranberry sauce is delectable. So also come join my private Facebook group with all of us sexy and narc abuse survivors. Yes, we bring it there. So that's a private group. It's private, which I love. So you can join that. That link is also in the show notes and if you want to share it there, maybe I'll do a little post and say what side do you love? And people will be like, what does this have to do with narcissistic abuse? And I'll say absolutely nothing. This is my a DD squirrel brain thinking about stepping. I'm going to go do it now so I don't forget. Okay? Al, love you guys. See you on Wednesday rather than Thursday this week for a special Thrive in five. Don't forget to follow my podcast. Love you. Bye.
 

A 90-Second Reset to Calm Narcissist-Triggered Thoughts

Episode SummaryIf you’re stuck in obsessive or intrusive thoughts after dealing with a narcissist, you’re not broken — your nervous system is reacting to past trauma and ongoing triggers. In this short somatic episode, you’ll learn a simple 90-second reset that interrupts the mental loop, calms your body, and brings you back into the present.
Designed specifically for survivors who can’t fully go no contact or who are dealing with co-parenting, post-separation abuse, or unpredictable communication.
What You’ll Learn
Why narcissist-triggered thoughts become obsessive
How trauma-bond withdrawal and hypervigilance fuel spirals
The 90-second grounding method that stops the loop
A fast orienting technique that pulls you out of overthinking
How to reduce reactivity and calm your nervous system in real time
Your Next Step in HealingWork 1:1 with Christy — Coaching & Somatic Healing
1-Month Private Coaching (Nervous System Reset & Support)https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep Healing + Identity Rebuild)Weekly sessions + Voxer support.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Empowered Boundaries Course10 video modules + meditation bundle.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries
Paid Resource: Copy-Paste-Peace ScriptsInstant responses that stop panic and overthinking.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guidehttps://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook Communityhttps://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you Queen. If you're brain has been running like a hamster on Red Bull since Tuesday's episode, today's Thrive in five is your reset button. And if you did not listen to Tuesday's episode, you may want to also go listen to that, that goes into this way deeper and we'll be very, very helpful to you. Alright, so today though, we have a mini practice that takes under five minutes. So no excuses why you can't use it. And it uses the same loop breaking tools from the full episode Tuesday, but it's condensed into a little tiny, repeatable nervous system ritual you can use. Anytime those thoughts start spiraling. Okay, so let's get you back into your peace bubble. Alright, so step one, the statement that stops the spiral. Okay, say this out loud or in your mind, I'm a big speaker, but you know that I have a podcast, I like to talk out loud. Alright? But you can say it in your mind if you'd like repeat after me. This thought is not a warning, it's a leftover survival response.
(01:34)So this is a great episode by the way, to save. So you have this and or also write this down in a journal on a sticky note. But with this specific sentence statement, you're letting your brain know this is old danger, not now. Our body is holding something onto something that it feels is reality. Okay? So we're kind of rewiring here. Step two, this is the 92nd reset. So you can place your hand on your heart and you're going to inhale through the nose for four seconds. Practice if you'd like 4, 3, 2, 1, then exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And you repeat this for a full minute and a half, okay? And this lengthened exhale tells your nervous system we are safe. Stand down, stand down, everybody, we are safe. Okay, now step three, the orienting practice. If you've been following me, you may have heard of this already, but we're stacking this alongside the breathing and the statement, right?
(02:56)So this is about 30 seconds. You're going to look around and name five things that you can see. Okay? You're going to check out, oh, that's me in the mirror. I have a mirror in my room. There I am, boom, looking like a queen. My ballerina statue, a picture of me and my husband. Makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. My pineapple pillow. Who else likes pineapples? And let's see what else we got my palm tree painting. So look around for five items in your room. It could even just be your wall and you're just looking at the texture. Whatever is going to pull you into the present moment, your safety present moment, right? So step four, stop the future fantasy. So when your brain jumps to what if they use this line, because I know we do that cycling in our brains. What if they do this? What if they do that? What if they say this? You've got to be able to know you can handle it and you are going to repeat after me. Of course you can write this down, but we're just practicing. We're saying it out loud. We're in our mind because it helps. Alright, I'll handle it if it happens.
(04:20)Right now I'm here. This ends the mental rehearsal. Your system is stuck in. And step five, the post contact detox, right? Because you know when you have contact with them, you need to just shed that shiz out the door. So after any contact, whether it be text, email, a drop off, seeing their name, do one tiny detox. You can pick one of these. You can shake out your arms, you can take a 10 minute walk, you can put on some Britney Spears or brain dump, just two sentences into your little notes app or somewhere, somewhere private. And this prevents their energy from marinating up in your body all day. Nobody needs that narky energy. Gross. Okay? So I hope that you enjoyed this and are getting value. If you are getting value from these episodes, can you share them with someone who could also use the value?
(05:33)That's always fun. And make sure you're following along on the podcast. Whatever platform you're on, make sure you hit that follow button on my main page, you just go right to my main page and there should be a follow. So you can't always go no contact, right? But you can go no access. This is emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You can still have control of that. The more of this type of work you do, every time you interrupt that loop, you're teaching your body, this is not an emergency anymore. Isn't that great? This is not an emergency we have, oh that sense of urgency. This is not an emergency anymore, this is not urgent anymore. And that's when your peace starts expanding and you get that golden bubble just burst in with joy. Alright? So if you want to learn not just how to deal with a narcissist, of course that is where my coaching comes in.
(06:33)But we also do the somatic healing parallel to that. And what does that look like? That is healing from the inside. Like I said, that body remembers everything and stores it. So even when your mind may understand something, your body can get stuck. And PTSD is a good example of that with veterans. They know they're not at war anymore, but their body thinks they are similar mechanism. So if you want help either with the tangible things I deal with a lot, I've been dealing with a lot of co-parenting situations, currently divorces all of that. Or I have a client who just needs help navigating her mother who is narcissistic. They come in all shapes and sizes and relationships. So how do you deal with them if you cannot go no contact? That's my specialty. And then even if you aren't in contact with them anymore, whether you are for co-parenting or they're kind of in your life a little bit, or you have not spoken to them in a year, but you still have thoughts or you still just feel like you have that urgency in general, there's a lot of effects that narcissistic abuse can have on you even after you have left.
(07:56)So we work on that somatic healing, you might get more of that somatic healing. So these are all programs customized to your needs. And I have a monthly program and I have a three month program and both are amazing of course. But the three month is, there's a little more support in between. You can do a walkie talkie app called Voxer if you haven't heard of it, where you can text or leave voice messages and I'll check that daily. I get back to you within usually like 12 hours. Might be up to 24 depending on my schedule. So you can have a little support in between. So that's kind of the bonus of doing the three month and that's really transformational, okay? Because a queen, but we want you to be a double queen. We're going to be double queen energy, alright? Because you deserve that joy and to feel free from all of this and I can help you. So check out the show notes for more information on that and I will see you in the next episode. Love you. Bye

Can’t Go No Contact? How to Stop the Obsessive Thoughts, Calm Your Nervous System & Protect Your Peace Around a Narcissist

Episode Summary
If your mind keeps replaying every conversation, argument, or manipulation, you’re not broken — your nervous system is stuck in protection mode. In this episode, Christy Jade explains why obsessive thoughts happen after narcissistic abuse and the exact steps to interrupt the loop so you can finally reclaim your mental space.
If you feel mentally hijacked, constantly analyzing them, or exhausted from thoughts you don’t want, this episode will show you how to break the cycle and come back to yourself.
What You’ll Learn
Why obsessive thinking is a normal trauma response
How trauma bonding and hypervigilance keep the loop alive
What your brain is trying to protect you from
How to interrupt intrusive thoughts without relying on willpower
Somatic tools to regulate your nervous system
How to restore clarity and stop overthinking
Your Next Step in Healing
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching and Somatic Healing
For survivors who are stuck in loops, overwhelmed, or ready to finally rebuild peace and self-trust with real support and structure.
1-Month Coaching (Private Support & Nervous System Reset)https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Coaching (Deep Healing, Identity Rebuild, Full Transformation)https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Paid Resource: Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
If overthinking or panic about how to respond is feeding your mental spiral, these scripts stop it instantly.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Empowered Boundaries Course
10 video modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime access.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries
Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guide
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook Community
https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Mama, if you've tried journaling, blocking, deleting, praying, meditating, and you still cannot stop thinking about the narcissist, especially when you can't go no contact because of the kids, court, family, or finances, this episode is going to be a little lifeline for you. Okay? I'm going to break down why your brain won't let go, and the steps to stop the obsessive thoughts. Calm that cute little nervous system of yours and reclaim your peace. Remember your peace bubble. You know about that? Yeah. We want to get your peace bubble on, okay? Even if you're still in contact like frequently. Okay, here we go.
(00:46)Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:44)All right, Queens, let's go there. Alright, you're not obsessed, you're not weak, you're not crazy. Well, maybe a little crazy, but the good crazy, like my kind of crazy. I like your crazy. Okay, alright. Your brain is actually doing exactly what a brain does when it's been trapped in a cycle of trauma plus unpredictability. Okay? So here's what's happening. We're going to do the queen breakdown. Number one, the threat detector part of your brain. It's still on patrol, it's still out there with its shield, with its sword, it's ready. So when you have to share a child, a house, a calendar school event, your brain is scanning, what will their mood be like today? Will they explode? Will they pull something? This is hypervigilance, and it's not like your character flaw, it's just survival mode, what you've been conditioned to do. Number two, your nervous system is addicted to the pattern, so it's not addicted to them.
(02:51)This is a misconception. You're not really addicted to them. You have been, again, kind of conditioned to be addicted to the cycle, the anticipation, the crash, the tiny breadcrumbs of calm that can happen here and there. Your body learned to stay ready. So that leads us to number three, this lack of closure that keeps that loop spinning, right? That addictive loop. So narcissists don't give real endings. They don't give apologies, especially legit ones. They might really fake it. They don't give ownership accountability, and they sure as hell don't give the truth. So your brain keeps searching for what it never got and it is still not getting. Number four, if you cannot go no contact, that loop resets every single time they pop up One email, one we need to talk, one school event where they walk in like a ghost of drama past. Oh, you feel that?
(04:13)Feel the holidays coming. Yeah, you're going to feel 'em big time. You got a narc. We'll definitely do an episode about that. But then boom, the cycle restarts. You are not imagining this. This is a biological reason that you can't shut it off F. So why just ignoring them doesn't really work for you. A lot of advice online is for people who get to go no contact. I've even shared episodes at that, right? It's a great thing if you can do that. But for most survivors, I would say at least 90% of my clients now, maybe more now, actually, you are living with them while separating. Maybe you're dealing with maybe a narcissistic parent. So even if you're not co-parenting, there could be this reason you can't disconnect. Totally. Maybe you're stuck in the same town, the same friendship circle, the same court system, the same school.
(05:26)Let me say this clearly, you cannot regulate your nervous system by pretending danger is not danger. You regulate it by understanding what's happening inside of you and giving your body a different experience. Which brings us to drum roll. That's my really sad attempt at a drum roll. Can you hear it? Okay, how to stop the obsessive thoughts, the brain loop breakers. So, alright, loop breaker number one, give your brain a script. Your brain like mine hates uncertainty. So what are we going to do? We're going to give it certainty, ladies, okay? Try this phrase. This thought is not a warning, it's a leftover survival response. This thought is not a warning. It's not like a reality warning, right? It's a leftover survival response. And so you can repeat that every time the intrusive thought hits and you're teaching your brain, this is old danger, not current danger.
(06:40)This isn't my current reality, right? Loop breaker number two, the 92nd nervous system reset, baby. This is quick, right? 90 seconds, we all have 90 seconds. It's gentle and it works. Okay? So number one, put your hand to your heart. Two exhale longer than you inhale, right? You inhale four seconds in, and then you're going to exhale six seconds out. So you're really expelling that breath. And then three, look around the room and name five things you can see. Look at my beautiful palm tree. Look at my beautiful palm tree pajamas. Do you notice a pattern? I like palm trees. Oh, palm tree comforter. I'm not lying, you guys. Alright, so you get the idea though. You're looking around finding five things and this tells your brain we are not with the narcissist right now. We're safe.
(07:42)We're in Palm Beach, baby. Okay, now, loop breaker number three. This is the micro no contact method. So even when you can't go full, no contact, you can create these little predictable micro boundaries. These kind of like rules. Boundaries only respond at certain times, only respond through one channel. Many of my clients, if you're listening, you're like, yeah, here Christie is, we've heard these before, right? Keep it simple. Only use short factual sentences. Do not take the bait, do not get emotional. Do not fall into their traps of oversharing your information. They don't need it. Short, factual sentences, no emotional explanations. Let's highlight that. They want your emotions. They can use them against you later. It's one of their favorite pastimes and present times if you let it be. Don't. And no jade is in this so beautiful, but this is my name, right? Christy Jade, huh?
(08:51)And it can stand for no justifying JA for arguing. No arguing. D, for defending. Do not defend yourself. You have no reason to and no explaining. You don't need to explain shizz. Okay? So Jade, justify, argue, defend, explain. Don't do none of 'em. So this cuts down the emotional activation and the mental replay. Isn't that beautiful? So beautiful. Alright, in our last loop breaker number four. Last but not least, interrupt the fantasy. We don't just obsess over what happened. We obsess over what might happen, what they could do next, what we should have said, right? I do all those things. I've done all those things. I currently don't do them. I'm not saying I never do. Look, we're never perfect, okay? We are never fully a thousand percent healed. I'm going to throw that out there. So we all have our moments, but this is something, it can be literally night and day still.
(09:58)Okay? So we want to get rid of these constantly worrying about what might happen and what I could have done or what could happen next. When you catch your brain running all these future episodes, use this line. We'll handle that. If it happens right now I'm here. It's kind of like cross the bridge, baby, cross that golden bridge. We'll handle it if it happens, and you know I'm going to bring God into this, right? Let's have a God moment together. God's handling it and God will help me handle it if and when it needs to be handled. Right now, I'm here in the present in my truth, right this second. It brings you back into that present moment and that's where your power actually is. So how to calm your nervous system when you still have to deal with them. Well, here are your real world Christie approved tools.
(11:05)Number one, we're going to create a pre-contract ritual. So before you respond to a message or see them in person, do one grounding exercise. It trains your brain and your body not to panic at the sound of their name. You'll see over time, the more you do it that the more you won't have that visceral reaction. Okay? One grounding. I have a bunch of episodes with all sorts of grounding techniques, but you can always email me if you'd like. Help with that. My email's always in the show notes. And two, create a post contact detox. Okay? Yeah, you want to shake that nasty dark energy off of your queen body. Okay? So something little. It doesn't have to be crazy. You could take a 10 minute walk, a warm shower, shake out your arms. I love a good arm shake. Okay? I might look crazy, but I feel good music, right?
(12:04)Your favorite jams a brain dump note if you're like to write stuff down, okay? Otherwise, all that toxic crap stays in your body for hours, maybe years, and you do not look cute in toxicity. Okay? I am sorry you don't, nobody does. Don't take offense. Alright? And then three, limit their access. Even if they don't know it, you decide when you read the messages. This is the training that can be hard to redo this. And this is where my work with you one-on-one really comes into play, right? We are going to rewire that so you can do this work so you can decide and stick to your boundaries. When you read messages, when you reply, what you reply, how much space you give, this is where you get your power back, getting that control back. So you get to say, I'm only going to read their messages at 3:00 PM every day.
(13:02)Obviously if they have your kid, you might want to just read it to make sure everything's okay. But when you have your kid in your possession, you don't need to be checking if they're sending 50 messages a day about bs. No thank you. And you get to decide when you reply. If you have court papers that say you must reply within 24 hours, okay, there you go. But outside of legalities, you get to decide. Okay? And then finally, build a safety identity. Start telling yourself, I'm a woman who protects her peace every day as every boundary, every calm response, you become the version of you who's no longer reactive, you're grounded, you're clear, and not available for the chaos. Can you say, I'm not available for the chaos? Please tell me, come on. That's right, you're not. Okay, so we're getting wrapped up here. I know this is kind of longer episode. Oh, it's actually not. It feels so long. I guess I'm jamming a lot in here. Wow, it's only 13 minutes so far, you guys, you could listen to it twice. Alright, so the truth you need to hear, the goal is not to become immune to them overnight.
(14:23)It's to become less reactive, less activated, less available. I love that one. Less attached. You're still attached if you're having these issues and less mentally occupied. I know that's a huge one for you guys and I've been there. You want them out of your dang brain and every little shift is healing. And when you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, can we say that again? When you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, that's the problem here, right? That's the big holdup. The obsession fades and your peace expands soon. You might not even need that golden peace bubble around you. You'd be like, I am peace Emma. Okay? And you finally become the version of you that the narcissist never wanted you to meet. And they don't want to meet her either.
(15:28)That's right. Come at me, bro. Okay, comment. Christie, I need to use a grounding tool. Alright? So if this episode felt like someone finally is explaining what's happening in your body and your brain, you're not alone. And you are very capable of breaking these cycles. So don't listen to anyone saying you're damaged forever or Oh, I don't want to hear it. We are queens and we are absolutely capable of breaking these cycles and yes, more quickly than you think. It's with some slow titrated work, but the transformations that my clients have are insane. So again, you want to do one-on-one work. Go to my show notes, click the different ways we can work together one-on-one. The most transformational epic shit that will happen in your life. Yeah, I'm getting excited. Yeah, I'm biased. Is my three month transformational coaching? It's not just coaching, it is coaching mixed with.
(16:35)And that's really like we are going through how to deal with the narcissist themselves, how to deal with you, your nervous system, what tools, it's all the tangibles and methods. And then we have the somatic healing aspect, which is it's mind blowing work that you can't really explain until you've done it. You can try. I have tried, but the level of depth and how amazing it is is really hard to describe. But it is healing from the body are sometimes I call 'em soul cas. We go on just a beautiful calm little soul cas. Other times if you're having pain or tension, we will sit with that and we will resolve that. I mean, I can tell you anytime I've had a client coming in with pain that can be manifested from emotional things, we have always lessened it, if not completely gone because everything is tied together.
(17:39)So I'm just telling you, it is amazing work. And these are tools, both the more tangible things and the energetic somatic things we do are tools you can use yourself, you can take with you and you can teach your children. You are breaking cycles and passing along tools that are going to change the world. Yep, I said it. They're going to change. Now if everyone did this, oh there would be no war. Everyone would hold hands and smile and have rainbows and bunnies all day. Yep. Alright. That means it's Christie's overtired time. I am recording this at night and I am a little tired and when I'm tired sometimes I sing weird songs. Alright, so you get the point here, right? You want to work one-on-one, really transform, sign up for the three month transformational coaching. I also have a monthly option. Both are going to get you epic results with the three month.
(18:45)There is the bonus of you get to have video, not video. That'd be a lot. I love you guys. Not that much. No, I'm just kidding. In between, you can do audio recordings or text on the Voxer app. It's like a walkie-talkie app. It is free. It's kind of like WhatsApp I guess. And you get that in between calls so you get the support. So this is for people who really are ready for this work, ready to do this and just want to take their life back. So if that's you, sign on up. I'm so excited to help any of you. This is why I'm here. So that it is my baby. I have a course, a boundaries course, you can buy that too. My baby is my one-on-one transformational three month shit that just I get so excited for because the work we do is sacred.
(19:46)So yes, come hit or I do not have tons of spots open. So if you want that, there are limited spots because I have limited time, obviously it takes a lot of time. And these are hour long video calls every week. And then I email you and sometimes we have plans or different, sometimes I will look at your divorce documents. I'm there for that kind of support too. I'm not an attorney, but I will give advice and I will tell you what to ask your attorney. Stuff like that. So it runs the gamut. Alright? So check out those things in the show notes and join my Facebook community for that little daily support. You can talk to each other in there. And your piece is not only possible, it's inevitable when you learn how to protect it with your little golden bubble. Alright? So I will see you in the next episode. Remember, Thursdays episodes are always related to Tuesdays, but they're just these little bite-sized somatic healing episodes. And don't forget to follow the podcast, whatever platform you're listening so you don't miss out on any of my episodes because there is so much fun here. I mean, who knew you could have fun healing from narcissistic abuse? This guy did. This girl. Excuse me. All right, love you guys. See you the next one.

The Partner After the Narcissist: How to Support a Woman Healing From Toxic Relationships (Without Triggering Her)

Episode Summary
If your partner is healing from narcissistic abuse and you want to support her without triggering past trauma, this episode gives you the essential steps to show up as the safe, steady partner she needs. Today, I’m breaking down what survivors carry into new relationships, the communication shifts that help her feel secure, and the practical ways to be a grounded, supportive partner — especially if her past involved narcissistic or toxic relationships.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
Why loving a survivor can feel different (and why it’s not your fault)
The nervous system patterns survivors often bring into new relationships
How the wrong type of “space” can trigger abandonment fears
The power of time-stamped reassurance (and how to use it)
Validation vs. problem-solving — and why survivors need both in the right order
What NOT to do when she shuts down, spirals, or becomes hypervigilant
How healthy, steady love rewires her sense of safety
Your Next Step in Healing
If this episode helped you understand your partner — or helped you feel seen in your own healing — and you want deeper support, I offer private 1:1 coaching to help women rebuild emotional safety, boundaries, peace, and self-trust after narcissistic abuse.
You’re not meant to navigate this alone.You deserve support built for your nervous system and your season of healing.
Work With Christy
Monthly Coaching and Somatic Healing
A powerful month of private support to help you break patterns, rebuild self-trust, regulate your nervous system, and make real movement in your healing.Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions, tailored tools, and coaching support between calls.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
Quarterly Coaching and Somatic Healing
Three months of deep transformation designed to help you rise, rebuild, and create lasting internal safety.Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions + unlimited Voxer support between calls for ongoing guidance, integration, and nervous system co-regulation.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
 
"Copy.Paste.Peace." Scripts
Get the exact boundary, communication, and nervous-system-safe scripts you need for co-parenting, texting, conflict, and more.https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Free Resources
Boundaries Pocket Guide 
Quick-reference boundary scripts, grounding tools, and communication lines you can use today.https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Private Facebook Community
Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse in a safe, supportive space.https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
Listener Request
If you want a Part 2 specifically for partners — or an episode on how women can learn to receive healthy love after abuse — send me a message and let me know. I’d love to create exactly what you need.
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello. This episode is for Queens and Kings, and if you are a regular listener, it could get some insight into you and what you need for you. But this was created specifically for partners of someone who has gone through narcissistic abuse or just toxic relationships in general, right? So thank you to the listener who wrote in, I don't know if he is a listener, but he knows of me somehow and wrote in asking for information on how to support his partner. That is someone who is recovering and healing from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. So hats off just the fact he wrote in shows so much. So thank you for all the super supportive partners out there, right? So if you are that partner after the narcissist or a friend or someone who just wants to know how to help people who have gone through this abuse, you're the safe one, the steady one, the one that they can finally breathe around or maybe should be able to finally breathe around, right? This episode is for you loving a woman who's healing from toxic relationships. It is different. I don't want to go say it's, oh, it's so much harder, but it is different and there are specific ways to deal with it. Just like everything else. Everyone has their stuff, so I'd like to call it not harder, but different. And if you want to support her without triggering those old wounds, like I said, you're already a rare kind of person. So let's talk about how to show up for them the right way.
(01:50)Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(02:48)Alright, Kings and queens, because this can be, if you are just a normal listener of mine, this could be beneficial to you to just understand yourself and what you need a little more too, and what you can relay to your partner. And then if you are a partner, then this is definitely for you. So thank you for taking the time to listen to this. If you are a partner, you get a super king or a queen crown on that lovely nugget of yours. Alright, so this person that wrote in said, how do I support my partner in her healing journey and stating that their ex was in other relationships that were toxic and struggling with triggers and open communication. So how do I support her? So yes, thank you for existing and we appreciate you, but here is the real truth. When you love a woman or a man, I'm going to put this kind of generally out there today because men and women will be listening to this who has survived narcissistic abuse.
(03:53)You're not just dating her, you're dating her nervous system. She has developed a nervous system in survival mode. So it is going to be different. So today I'm going to give you a foundation, what she's carrying, what accidentally may trigger her, what helps and how to show up as that safe, steady partner that she probably has not had in her life. So this is not going to be a deep dive that deserves its own series. So let me know, please email me if you want this to go deeper, if there is a big need for it, I will do more bonus episodes on this, but this is the starting point. So first, why loving her is different. She doesn't walk into the relationship as a blank slate. I mean no one really does, but she really doesn't, right? She has got hypervigilance, a fear of getting in trouble.
(04:55)So imagine living like that all the time. Chronic overexplaining herself, apologizing just for existing, basically fear of conflict, fear of disappointing you and fear that safety is temporary, right? Because she went through love bombing. She went through ups and downs of a narcissist. So even when it felt better, it never lasted. Okay? In her last past relationships, she learned love can turn on you. Affection is unpredictable. You're not always going to get it, and it will be actually kept from you as punishment. Being honest gets you punished. Just stating facts, even if you're not coming at someone in attacking way, will get you punished. And staying quiet is what keeps the peace. Spoiler alert, there's no peace with a narcissist. But at moments, if you stay quiet, that can keep them happy momentarily. There's only moments with narcissists, it's a roller coaster. So when she gets triggered in your relationship, she's not exactly reacting to you.
(06:16)I don't want you to be holding this burden of that part of it. She's reacting to that ghost of a person who has trained her nervous system to be and react how it is. So first, you didn't cause the wound. I don't want you to have to have any guilt, any doubts about yourself, okay? Because your peace and your joy is just as important as hers. So you do need to remember that. And there should be no abuse going on to you just because she went through abuse. So if she's carrying abusive behaviors because she's angry because of what she went through, then that's something she needs to heal. And you should not accept that behavior. But your closeness means you stand where it does get activated. She can get triggered because you in your space and when you guys are having conversations or conflicts.
(07:13)So what does she need most from you after the narcissist? And these are the core pieces that will help her rebuild that trust and safety over time, over time. This is not overnight. I know that's not fun. We want everything yesterday, especially in 2025, but that's just not going to happen here. So you do have to decide, do I have the patience for this? That is something you have to decide, right? This is a long-term thing, and if you're in it, beautiful, you're amazing. Thank you. And if you feel like you want it to be done in a week from now, you should probably evaluate the relationship. Alright? So number one, what she needs, consistency over hero moves. Okay? She doesn't need fixing, she needs predictable. So your calm, steady presence, being there for her when she needs you. And again, you're not sacrificing your whole life for this person and everything, all your interest and your friends.
(08:21)You're not going to isolate yourself like a narcissist does to someone to accommodate. But reassuring goes so far, and we'll get to more of that, but your calm, steady presence heals more than big gestures ever could. Number two, clear and gentle communication. Okay? Ambiguity was used against her in her past relationships. So clarity is so important. You guys, she needs clarity that feels very calm and grounded. So, hey, I'm not upset, I just need to decompress. And by the way, in the next one we're going to talk about getting specific with that, but letting her know, being clear, I'm not upset, I'm not mad at you, I just need to decompress or whatever. Or I want to talk about this. I'm just not regulated right now. Or whatever word you want to use. I know I use therapy wording all the time, but you get me.
(09:23)Okay? So clarity prevents spiraling, and I'm saying she, but obviously this is used for narcissistic abuse victims that can be male as well, or any of those pronouns out there, but I'm so used to saying she for my podcast. That's what I'm sticking to. Alright, number three, here we go. The timestamped reassurance. This is huge, huge for survivors. This is one of the most healing things a partner can offer. So survivors do not just need reassurance, they need certainty tied to a time. And I know that could be a shift for you, but that doesn't have to be a hard shift. I don't think that a sacrifice that that's a compromise. So because when you walk away or pause a conversation without a clear return point, her brain can go into old programming immediately. That can be a trigger too. Oh God, I'm in trouble.
(10:25)Oh God, he's mad at me. Oh god, he's going to leave me. Oh God, I messed everything up. Not because of you or what you're doing, I don't know what accent that was, but because of what she survived, what she went through before, and the fix is pretty simple and very, very healing, it's definitely worth it. Okay? Trust me, instead of I need space, right? That can be a very normal thing. And to someone who doesn't carry this weight from their past, that might be like, okay, fine, I need space too. Whatever, but try this instead. Look, I'm not upset with you. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I'll come back and around four o'clock, okay? Or I'll give you a call at four if you're not together or whatever, right? No, just hanging up. No, not answering her call because you're annoyed, right?
(11:28)They really, really need that reassurance. Even if you pick up and say, look, I really can't talk about this. And even if you are upset, maybe let's say she did do something that did annoy you, you are allowed to have your feelings. So if you are actually upset, you can say, look, I'm upset with this situation, but don't worry, we'll talk about it. I just need to reset. Use the word reset. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I will call you back. Or, alright, let's take a break and talk in an hour. I'm here. We're all right. Even saying we're okay, go so far, or I love you, right? Sticking that in there goes really far too. Look, I love you. I don't want to talk while I'm stressed out, so give me a half hour and then we can talk. But I just want to talk when I'm in a better head space.
(12:30)And again, if you are upset, you can say, I care about us too much to talk from the state. I just don't want to say the wrong thing while I'm in this head space. Okay, let's reconnect it. Three. Okay? So it actually is a very easy fix to get specific, but a lot of people just don't know to do that. And some survivors don't know they do need that until it's shown to them. I have clients that I said, what would it feel like if next time he said, I don't want to talk about this. What if he said that he would call you at 10? She's like, oh, that would feel better. She didn't even know she needed that, right? So the timestamped reassurance gives her predictability, clear expectations, that emotional safety, and most importantly, I think in my opinion, and going through what I have, that connection still feeling connected.
(13:29)When we lose that, when we feel or fear that we have lost connection, just emotional connection that we have, it really freaks us out. And I don't have this anymore. I have gone through the healing and I don't have that trigger anymore, but I definitely did, I'd say with a couple of relationships after my biggest narcissistic relationship, there was definitely that trigger, but that can calm her nervous system instantly because she's like, oh, they're not leaving, I'm not being punished. The conversation isn't just going to disappear and then resentment's going to build and he's going to, I'm out and the relationship is still intact. So this one tool prevents about 80% of survivor spirals. Okay? So alright onto the next, the fourth one, validate first and problem solve later. Okay? They do need validation. So she lived in relationships where her feelings were dismissed, minimized and mocked.
(14:40)Okay? So validation is almost like a medicine, right? I hear you. That makes total sense. Thank you for telling me even if you don't agree with something, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for telling me. Validation doesn't have to mean you agree, it means you care about her experience and she should care about yours as well. Okay? The fifth one, patience with triggers. So I know this can be tough, I get it, but triggers are not, they're not personal. They're survival responses. So really not just knowing that and saying, oh yeah, I know that actually embodying that. You will have to embody that and really deeply accept it. Accepting this is a survival response and it's not personal. It's not personal. So a helpful question is what came up for you just now? Not, I'm not your ex. Why are you acting like I'm your ex? It's not helpful. Sorry guys. It's not helpful. What came up for you just now?
(15:59)You both know it's not about you. And that will soften the conversation. Okay? Number six, space for autonomy. She lived under control, severe control, probably her and encouraging decision making power is very healing. She may be very, depending where she is in her journey, she could be very uncomfortable with making decisions still. So encouraging her and say, Hey, why don't you pick the movie tonight? I trust you. I trust your judgment. Try that. And you got to be patient. It's frustrating, okay? I mean, I love my husband to death. My husband in general is just so laid back. It can be indecisive where I'm like, oh, well, where do you want to go? He's like, oh, I don't really care. And I mean, sometimes he does, he'll be like, oh, I want tacos tonight. But sometimes I feel like I want to make sure he's getting what he wants all the time.
(17:03)So I will say like, oh, what do you want? And he's like, I don't know, whatever. And he's so easygoing and accommodating, and his isn't from trauma past, but it's just his personality. But the same goes here where it's good to encourage anyone to have a voice and let them know that you trust, because some of it can come from insecurity. Someone might be like, I don't want to make the wrong decision, so I'm not going to make any decision. So I trust your judgment. We're going to have fun no matter whatever language, let her decide and be patient because they may sit there and stare at the wall for 10 minutes because they're that paralyzed and that's their trauma. But the more you do that, the more comfortable they get and the more self-trust they build, it's going to go way faster, easier, and it's a beautiful thing.
(18:02)You definitely want it. So you want to have a partner that feels comfortable making decisions. So she may not say it out loud, but inside that sentence, you get to choose and I trust your judgment. Something like that, that is going to really rebuild her. I love it. I love it. So that's a big one. And number seven, slow trust. No pressure. You might, and I am guilty of this just in general with people of being like, oh my God, because you want them to be empowered so much. I have friends that have been in some past, previous past situations and in the earlier points of their healing journey, and sometimes I'm like, oh, don't worry about that. I'm such an empowerment queen, but I have to check myself because their pace isn't a problem. It's protection and healthy love, healthy trust. It doesn't rush.
(19:11)It invites and waits. So we have to say even with friends, but whatever, whoever you're trying to encourage when they've gone through something like this, it is a slow burn. They can speed it up a little with Somatic Healing by Christie, Jade, ever heard of it? It's amazing. But counseling, therapy, coaching with me, somatic healing with me, any of that, you guys will help accelerate the journey, but we don't want to put pressure on these people who are already dealing with a lot. So here we go, what not to do, even if you mean, well, here we go. These are some mistakes supportive partners accidentally make even with good intention.
(20:04)And you wouldn't say just get over it, but there's some people who will say, oh, you just have to move on. Even if you say it nicely. Trauma does not respond to logic. It doesn't respond to, oh, you just got to do X, Y, Z. It's done, right? It's a process. Taking her triggers personally, it's rarely about you. It's about her past trying to fix or rescue her, okay? You are her partner. It's not your job to fix her. There's therapy and me for that, okay? You can recommend a therapist, you can recommend my podcast, recommend working with me to help this along. But it's not your job and it shouldn't be your job for your sake. You need to keep your piece too. So yes, if you want to be a supportive partner, cool. You are not the person who needs to be her therapist and fixer, okay?
(20:56)There's a difference. And then comparing yourself to her ex, it adds pressure and it fuels the shame she already has. So no mentioning of the Xs, okay? And then this one, ah, I just hate this. It has been a huge trigger for me in the past minimizing what happened, right? Just like, oh, don't worry about it. He is not here anymore. You're not with him. Just forget about it. That whole energy, even if you're trying to be helpful, she can't just forget it. That's not something you can just forget. Her body remembers, right? If you guys don't know, I do somatic healing. I heal the body through the body from the body, the body, body. Because the body remembers even when her mind wants to move on, or even when the mind has actually done some healing, the body still doesn't always catch up with the mind.
(21:55)So you can't just forget. Just move on. It is not that simple. Okay? So your role is not to erase her past, it happened, but the beautiful thing you get to do is create a new experience of safety and stability and love and peace for her. And it's not your job. I want to add this. I'm not trying to put all of this stuff on you guys. She has to do her healing journey herself. It's not your responsibility, but if you want to support, these are tips, but you also cannot lose yourself or your peace at the expense of somebody that is very important. So if she's not doing the work or just like, this is just how I am, or there's any abuse going on, that's a different story. And you shouldn't be a part of a toxic situation like that. Okay? All right.
(22:55)So what healthy love does for a survivor, okay? I haven't my husband, I did not know someone like him existed. I will be very honest. I in the beginning felt like I didn't even deserve him. Now I know I'm a great queen. No, but waited for the shoe to drop. I was like, there's no way. There's some person who's this good and this kind and this loving. What's the secret? So we'll talk about what that healthy love does do. So when you love a survivor in a healthy way and show it, you become her nervous systems first experience of peace. And maybe the first time she's really experienced peace, and that is beautiful and it's scary and uncomfortable. I'm thinking back to when I first was with my husband, I almost felt it was boring because those highs and lows were not there. I knew I liked him a lot, but I was like, is this enough for me?
(24:01)It was amazing and steady rather than Eminem and Kim, crazy roller coaster, which now obviously I know that was not healthy, but it might be uncomfortable even for us in the beginning. But you're becoming that peaceful experience. You're teaching her that calm is real, not a trap. The shoe doesn't have to fall off the other foot. It's not love bombing. It's not a mask. You are showing her that love does not punish love doesn't punish. We as survivors have been punished for things we didn't even ever do. We've been punished in horrible ways and we associated that as a normal thing, right? So you're showing her that's not love. You're helping her unlearn fear. You become evidence that safety exists, right? Like I said about my husband, oh my goodness, he's a safe person. I don't have to worry about him flipping out or bashing my head into a wall or strangling me with a telephone wire.
(25:19)That's nice. Is my Barlow okay? And then the last one for that, you help her rebuild a version of herself that the narcissist tried to destroy. This part's so important too. I feel like it deserves its own episode. You helping her, well, supporting her, I don't want to say helping her, you're supporting her. Create her new identity, which is really her oldest identity before the world or the narcissist muddled her all up. The true her, the person she deserves to be, right? You get to support her creation of that. So you don't need to be perfect, okay? You're not going to get all of these, especially at first, but the most important, you need to be a safe place for her to land consistent, safe patient. Okay? So for the women listening, I mean the women survivors, if you're healing from abuse and worry, your trauma makes you too much. Take a breath. Okay? You are not too much. You are not broken. If you're broken, I'm broken and this bitch ain't broke. Okay? Your triggers do not make you unlovable. Can you say that out loud? I need to hear you all the way in the back. Need to hear your triggers do No, you said repeat after me. Let's do it. My triggers don't make me unlovable.
(26:57)Okay? You are learning safety again. And the right partner will not run from that. And I'm not saying if someone feels like they don't have the capacity because of their own stuff, that doesn't make them a bad person either. So I am not shaming anyone who feels like they just don't have the capacity to have someone who's been through a lifetime of abuse. That's okay. But the right person will come and they'll lean in gently with compassion and steadiness the listen to podcast. And you'll be gold, baby gold, just like your crown, right? So like I said, this was a foundation, the starting point. If you want me to do like a miniseries specifically for partners or anything, please give me feedback. Email me always. If you have things you want to hear on my podcast, even if you don't think it fits perfectly in what I normally do, let me know. I love doing this stuff. I love helping anyone.
(28:02)So we can go deeper on this. And if you are a woman healing from a narcissistic relationship and want support, rebuilding that piece, your boundaries, that lovely nervous system that can be shaken back into the straight and narrow, my one-on-one coaching spaces are always linked in the show notes. So you guys, you are not alone. Whether you have been in a bad situation and you're recovering or you're someone supporting that person, you're not alone. And you should find support through therapists, counseling, support groups, listening to these podcasts. And you deserve the kind of love that feels like exhaling.
(28:51)That's what it feels like. You hear that kind of creepy. Now I'm going to stop doing that. Okay? So always go to my show notes to see the ways to work with me. I have an Empowered Boundaries course that is epic amazing. Go check that out. And then there's a couple freebies in there, including my Facebook, which is, it is Women only for there that is a private Facebook page for survivors. So yes, I will see you in the next episode and maybe we'll be doing more of these bonus EPS in between. And as always, I love you and give you Smooches Chin up crown up.
 

Your 5 minute Power Shift for Calmer Co-Parenting and Stronger Kids

The 5-Minute Reset to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Escalating Anything)
Episode Summary
In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a simple five-minute process that helps you protect your child’s emotional safety when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Instead of reacting from fear, conditioning, or pressure to “keep things smooth,” you’ll learn how to regulate your body, detach from the narcissist’s hooks, and model calm authority your child can immediately feel.
This micro-training focuses on one small but powerful shift: stabilizing your own nervous system so your child learns emotional safety, discernment, and self-trust — even when the other parent continues their chaos. These five minutes will change how you show up in high-conflict moments.
What You’ll Learn
How to identify your body’s early alarm signals during narcissistic tension
A simple three-breath pattern to instantly calm your nervous system
How to shift out of emotional reactivity and into factual, steady communication
One-sentence boundary responses that model calm authority for your child
A grounding tool your child can use after visits, calls, or stressful interactions
How to reinforce safety without escalating the conflict or feeding the drama
Your Next Step in Healing
3-Month Coaching: Deep-Dive Transformational JourneyPlatinum Coaching (3 months – includes Voxer support)https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
1-Month Coaching: Focused Support + Somatic HealingGold Coaching (1 month)https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
The Empowered Boundaries Course10 training modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime accesshttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries
Free Resource: The Boundaries Pocket Guidehttps://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook CommunityPrivate support for women recovering from narcissistic abusehttps://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. Today's Thrive in five is all about your energy and moments when the narcissistic parent creates tension because your kids absorb your state more than the actual words that are spoken, right? They're little sponges. So you're going to teach your child safety by regulating yourself first, right in the moment. So we're going to give you this advice. You can save this if you're feeling it right now. You can use it now, but you can listen to know what to do. And then definitely save this episode. So in the moment you can refer to it and maybe you can even take little notes. But this is definitely a saver episode. Alright, so you're going to set your timer for five minutes, okay?
(01:06)Get yourself a little timer. It can be on your phone. One of those cute ones you have in the kitchen, the little kitchen timers. I have one that's a little mushroom. It's so cute. Alright, squirrel. Okay, so five minutes. Minute one, you're going to notice your body's alarm system. So think of that last text demand or surprise request from the narcissistic parent, right? And your body probably does one of these things. The chest tightens, the stomach drop. I know that one. The shoulders rise all the way up to your ears and your breath gets shallow, right? One of those two of those, all of those. So first, in that first minute, notice it name the sensation out loud like my chest feels tight. Naming it out loud equals calming it. Okay? True, true facts, only true facts here on the Queen's show. Alright, minute two, you're going to then slow the pace for your child.
(02:11)Kids mirror your nervous system. Okay? Remember that? So you can repeat this three breath pattern and you can do it silently or with your child if they're present to teach them, right? We're role modeling and teaching our children what to do when stress comes about. So one, you're going to inhale through your nose. Two, you're going to hold it for two seconds, and three, you're going to exhale a little longer than that. Inhale. And this tells your child and yourself, we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Opposite of the lovely narc, right? We want to be opposite. So we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Minute three, detach from that narcs hook. Okay? Ask yourself, what is the fact here? Not the feeling. I get it. We are all up in our feelings. We're empaths. We're good hearted people, we've been mind ed, right? I get it.
(03:22)But we need to role model and give ourselves peace. So what is the fact? So what's an example of that? The feeling is he's trying to control me again and getting triggered. The fact is pickup is at four. That's all I need to address. Whatever he's trying to do, we don't need to worry about. It's good to know that, right? That's very helpful when you're learning about the narcissist. But we know that already now at this point. Yeah, but our focus is the fact, whatever the deal is, pickup, set for whatever facts are safe, that's our safety feelings. That is the narcissist playground, right? They want to see and feel and hear all your feelings. That's you taking their bait. So this reduces your reactivity and models discernment for your kid, no matter how old they are, if they're two or they are 18. Alright, minute four, we're going to choose one sentence of calm authority.
(04:32)So pick one neutral boundaried line, like per the order pickup remains at four o'clock. Or I'll refer to the agreement or I'm not available for additional changes. Short and steady to the point. I always say, don't take the bait, don't get emotional, keep it short. And that equals emotional safety for your child too. Okay? So this is the piece that those kids internalize for life. How are you responding? Calm and authoritative, right? Per the order. Pickup remains at four. It's just the facts. People. We're queens. We don't have time for all these big emotions. Okay? Number five, we're minute five. Sorry. Teach your children one mini skill, okay? And again, refer back to Tuesday's episode. If you have not listened to that, please go listen to that. That's going to really dig into the best ways to deal with the entire situation with a narcissist, dealing with the kids and all of the toxic things you don't want to do yourself.
(05:52)And how to keep the peace, but in a way that isn't what you normally would do with someone who's not toxic. So please watch. Listen to that episode if you haven't. So right after contact with the narcissistic parent, you're not going to trash talk them, right? You're going to do the mature adult thing that will keep peace for you and your child. You can't control the narc, okay? Do this one grounding micro practice with your child. And this one, you get to even call it a fun little cute child thing. The butterfly hug. And it's 30 seconds and anyone can learn this and it is good for you. It's good for a 2-year-old. It's good for that 15-year-old who's going to roll their I. So you just cross your arms over your chest. You tap the left side right on the top of your arm tap.
(06:46)I'm doing it right now if you can hear, I'm giving myself a good old butterfly hug. And then tap the right, tap the left. Tap the right while you are slowing your breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. Tap left, tap right. Okay. So cross arms over chest tap left tap right, tap left, tap right. Slow breathing until you feel your nervous system calm. But 30 seconds is a good amount of time and you can say your body knows how to keep you safe. So this teaches them to trust the intuition that therapists, some therapists tell them to ignore that. Tell them to push through and to keep the peace. That's the keeping the peace that I'm not here for. We're not bypassing feelings. We are honoring our intuition, their intuition and teaching them your body knows how to keep you safe. And doing the butterfly hugs.
(07:54)There's other examples too, but that's a good one is very important to me. So you don't change a narcissist, you're not going to change the narcissist, but you can change the energetic environment that your child grows up in while they're in your care. And they can do these things. And I know a narc is very controlling, so maybe they can't do it right in the middle of an interaction with their narc parent. But you can tell them if you ever have a tense situation at narc, parents, don't call 'em narc, but narc parents home and there's an interaction that makes you sad or upset, just don't take the bait. You can teach them in children's terms of not taking the bait, just kind of gray rocking a. And when they get a chance to be in private, to go to their room or whatever, teach them the grounding skills they will need because they will need them.
(09:05)And again, I say not everyone wants to really say all this out loud. If your child is a child of a narcissist, they need to be prepared. That's okay. We are where we are here. We can't change the past, we can't change what happened. All we can do is do the best with where we are. And your child can still be an amazing, healthy individual. They have you as a parent that is getting healthy, that's learning these tools that cares immensely for them. So they're ahead of a lot of people. Look, there are people with two parents that nobody really teaches them any tools or how to do X, Y, Z. So you are prepared, you're getting prepared and you're helping them prepare for what they need to do to cope with these situations. So this can be little, just five minutes at a time things.
(10:02)We have the five minute situation and then we have just the butterfly hug alone. They can do that easy peasy lemon squeezy in 30 seconds that can just calm them down and help their nervous system. And they get to also say to themselves, your body knows how to keep you safe during those times. So save this episode already. And don't forget if you didn't listen to Tuesday's episode, definitely, definitely listen to that. It's a great episode. I may be biased, but it's amazing. Just kidding. So if you're not following my podcast, go find the follow button so you don't miss any episodes because we got some good shit up in here. Okay? Yeah, we do. And as always, all the information is in the show notes as far as how to work with me. If you want transformational kick ass customized help, there's a couple different ways you can check the links out.
(11:07)But I have monthly and I have a three month really transformational, crazy, amazing epic work. And both I do coaching with you and somatic healing, which is through the body. We are healing deep stuff, but we don't have to do this super sad. Let's lay on a couch and cry about it for five hours, right? We're not going to bypass feelings, but we are going to have some magic happen. We're going to GoFund places, I call 'em Soul Cas. We go on little locations. We help our nervous system regulate. There's so many beautiful things in somatic healing. So you can read more about that in the links in my show notes. And I have a free private Facebook page, so definitely go join that to be around more women who understand what you're going through. It's a women only private Facebook group for narcissistic abuse recovery.
(12:08)So jump on and there. And I have, if you haven't grabbed them yet, there is my pocket boundaries. What's it? Boundaries Pocket guide is the official term. And that's just some helpful boundaries that you can set just a little free before you. And I also have my Boundaries course, which is self-paced if you just want something more like that. So obviously the one-on work with me is where you're going to get the deepest, most beneficial work. But there are other options out there. If you're not ready for that or can't the investment, you can't make that investment. So definitely check all of that out and I will see you in the next video. It's not a video, not, I keep calling it a video. I was a YouTuber once, a big bad YouTuber. I still have my YouTube actually should go check it out. There's all sorts of crazy weird videos on there.
(13:09)Steal a Kiss 33 on YouTube. I barely do videos there anymore. But yes, that was my life, my old life. I did makeup tutorials, I did vlogs, all sorts of fun. And I should be putting videos up there, but I'm very focused on my podcast and my book I'm writing. Once I finish my book, I might start doing more videos again just for funsies. But yes, you guys, I'm also writing a book about narcissistic abuse recovery and it's going to be awesome. I'm so excited. All this stuff I'm working on right now is just very, very exciting. So I can't wait to get that completed. I hope I'm writing that. I'm on chapter seven out of 12, but I'm going to go over it a couple more times. And I have a couple people waiting in the wings that are going to read it as beta readers. And then I do have an editor in New York City that I'm going to work with to edit it and the publishing. And I think she may be helping me with that too. But it's going to be unlike any other narcissistic abuse recovery book that is out there of that, I am sure. Right? I think if you know me, that's not a surprise. This is not going to be boring, old, stale facts. There's some queening going on in it. So stay tuned for that. Alright, I will see you in the next audio in the next podcast, not video and chin up. Shine that crown. You look amazing, okay? And you are so valuable and so, so special, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Okay? Okay. Bye.

The Truth Many Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)

The Truth Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)
Episode Summary
You’ve been told to “keep the peace for the kids.”But what if that advice — the one therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating — is actually teaching your child to ignore their own intuition?
In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down the truth most professionals avoid: you cannot co-parent with a narcissist. You’ll learn how to stop over-accommodating, document every interaction, and teach your child emotional safety without turning them into your confidant. It’s time to protect both your peace and your child’s nervous system while modeling real, grounded strength.
If you’ve ever felt stuck trying to “stay civil” while your ex keeps creating chaos, this episode will help you see what real peace looks like — and how to hold it.
What You’ll Learn
Why traditional co-parenting advice doesn’t work with narcissists
How old conditioning keeps you accommodating — and how to stop
The importance of documenting every interaction and using third-party apps
How to model calm authority and emotional safety for your kids
Your Next Step in Healing
Empowered Boundaries Course — 10 video modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime accesshttps://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching and Somatic HealingChoose your transformation level:
 (1-Month Coaching Package): https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
 (3-Month Deep-Dive Coaching Journey): https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guidehttps://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook Communityhttps://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Queens. I am so excited for this episode. This actually was created because a client of mine and I were talking about this topic and she said, you need to make this an episode. So when y'all speak, I listen. Alright, so you've been told to keep the peace for the kids, right? I'm sure many of you have heard that, but what if that very advice, the ones, many therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating, is actually quietly teaching your child to ignore their own intuition. So today I'm going to break down the real truth about how to protect your kids from a narc co-parent without losing your sanity or ending up back in court. So let's talk about the advice. Most professionals are too afraid to give you.
(00:54)Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:52)All right, it's Christie Jade. Today's episode might ruffle a few feathers. We're talking about something I see every single week with my clients, the pressure to keep things smooth with a narcissistic co-parent, even when it's slowly destroying your peace and your child's sense of safety. So yes, obviously we don't want to trigger narcissists into pop-off mode, okay? That's not my point here. But here's the hard truth. Most parenting advice out there does not apply when the other parent is a narcissist. You cannot co-parent with someone who loves chaos, control and manipulation. You can parallel parent, and even then you need to do it with strong ass boundaries and rock solid documentation, which I've talked about on this podcast, right? But today we're going to cut through the guilt, the conditioning, and the miss, okay? You're going to walk away knowing what it looks like to protect your child and yourself legally, emotionally, and energetically without ending up back in court.
(03:02)But no guarantees. I'm not a lawyer, okay? I am just your favorite little truth telling queen with a mic. But we're going to do our best here together. Okay? So first of all, the lie you've been sold, you've been told that kids need both parents equally. You've been told to be flexible. Take the high road, keep communication fully open. But when one parent is toxic or narcissistic in our cases, the advice is actually dangerous because flexibility becomes a weapon. So keeping the peace becomes another way of saying keep walking on eggshells, and you'll see what I'm saying here. But yes, we want to keep the peace in the way of, we want our peace to be protected, but keeping the peace in the general way that many experts will tell you how to do will not work in our situation. Okay? So the truth is, you were conditioned to accommodate the narcissist.
(04:08)They conditioned you to accommodate them, right? Even after court orders are in place, you may still feel that conditioning. You may still have it even after the chaos nearly broke you. You were trained to minimize their reactions, but that conditioning doesn't just affect you. Your kids feel it and then suffer from it. So your kids are learning from your energy. Kids are intuitive, right? They feel what's happening in the room before they can fully grasp it, even the younger ones. So when you tense up every time a message comes through from your ex, when you overexplain or give in just to keep the peace, they learn that love or relationship means shrinking yourself to stay safe. They don't know the complexities of your relationship with this person. So they're watching you shrink to stay safe, but you were given that mama energy, that protective mama bear energy for a reason. You were chosen to break this pattern, right? Your kids do not need a perfect parent. They need a calm, grounded one who teaches them what real safety feels like because they're not going to get that from little narky narc. Okay? So that starts with one powerful shift. Are you ready? Write it down. Write on your forehead. Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace.
(05:53)Okay? Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace. True peace is not built on fear. That's performative peace. Okay? We want true peace for you and your child. So you've got to cut these cords that are still attached to your ex. Okay? I'm going to say this with a little love and a little holy fire. You need to hear it straight. And you know I'm a straight shooter. The narcissist conditioned you to accommodate, right? They trained you to make yourself small, to over explain, to be nice, to keep them calm, maybe even when it was costing you your sanity. And here's the truth, you might've left the relationship, but the programming, it's still running the show. You broke free physically, you're out of the home with them, but emotionally, you're still doing the dance. So let me ask you, why are you still accommodating them?
(07:00)Why are you bending, explaining, overthinking every reply like you owe them something you don't. You owe you something. You owe your child something. You owe them the version of you that doesn't flinch at chaos anymore. You've done the hardest part, you got out. Now it's time to cut the final chords. So stop letting their energy dictate your piece. Stop modeling compliance as cooperation, okay? When you keep accommodating the narcissist, all of their little, even if you have the legal papers and they add this and that into it and make you go a little above or you feel a little bad, oh, it's their father, it's this. You're teaching your child the same survival pattern you are trying to unlearn.
(07:53)Okay? So here's the mic drop moment here for you, okay? Do not condition your child to do what you did. You got out for a reason. Do not condition your child to do what you did. They deserve to see what calm power looks like. They deserve to see you walk in your authority, not your fear. You're a queen, right? Put on your authority crown. All right? I got to calm down after that one. Woo. It's getting hot in here. So what does that non accommodation actually look like? You're like, that's great, Christie, how do I do that? Well, I'm going to tell you, alright, so without giving the narcissist ammo to drag you back in court, right? And again, I'm not a lawyer, but there's things we can do and documenting everything is very important. So we'll get there. So non accommodation does not mean being rude or reactive, right?
(08:55)I'm not saying yell at them, curse at them, call them names. It means being firm consistent. I'm going to say that for the people in the back. I know a lot of you lost consistency because of how you're conditioned. Consistent. That means if you set a boundary, you stick to it, you heard and detached, which I know that can be hard, but if you want the peace you say you're begging for and the peace for your child, then you need to listen. Okay? You stick to the agreements, you stop explaining. You let their discomfort be their problem. So let's do a few examples what that actually looks like. Let's say there's a video call. You have a court order. It says you have one regular call per week, right? You just have a call per week. It doesn't save it's audio, video it just as a call.
(09:48)He's demanding video calls because the child owes him FaceTime. Here's your reply. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. So if it's not listed as video, you're safe. If it is, you might have to accommodate that because it's through the legal system, but often they will add little things. That's my point here. They will add nuances to have control. That's it though. No emotion, no apology, no justification. There needs to be no explanation of well, blah, blah, blah, blah. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. That's it. Then the guilt trip, extra time request. I know many who have had this, he suddenly demands extra time for a family birthday that isn't scheduled. If you want to let them do that, go ahead. But if you're dealing with a narc, you probably don't and you want to take your power back, then you respond. That's not part of our current schedule. We'll follow the plan. He threatens court. Okay, well, you're documenting everything now. You're on a third party app, you stay calm, you follow the order.
(11:04)So what about when your child doesn't want to talk or go? And this is tough because legally they have to, right? They're required if they have the required visits or talks, and this is when your heart probably aches the most, but it's also your biggest teaching moment. When you get those pangs, I want you to start viewing them as, oh, I need to do the right thing. This is a big teaching moment for my child, okay? Validate your child first and foremost. It's okay. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable. That is the first thing you say to them. It's understandable and that you feel uncomfortable. And then you teach them grounding, even for little ones. Deep breaths. When you feel like this and you take your breaths, I could do a whole other episode probably on this, how to teach children, grounding young children, hand on chest, deep breath, name what they're feeling.
(12:11)I'm feeling it could be even my brain feels chaotic. Well, they might not say chaotic, but dizzy or I feel sad, or I have my chest feels tight, right? Don't force them to override their own body to appease a toxic adult. Don't say, oh, it's fine, it's fine, right? That's the old generation. I love ya mama. But that was what I got, right? Oh, it's fine. Everything's fine. It's not fine. It's okay. And understandable. They feel this way because they're dealing with a narcissist. You don't have to tell them they're a narcissist. We'll get to that. But you teach them, and that's something you may have lost along the way. And then condition to throw out the window to the benefit of the narcissist. And the narcissist will never model for them. They won't teach them that this is your job, okay? You teach them and being okay with having feelings. So here's the part.
(13:23)Not everybody, not every therapist, not every coach will tell you about documenting and detaching. A lot of lawyers, I guess will, but not everyone thinks of all of it. So here's where we move from emotional to strategic, because when you're dealing with an arc, documentation, is your armor okay? It's very important. I know it's a pain in the butt. Too bad. Mama's getting real here. You don't just keep your boundaries, you have to keep the receipts with them. Every single interaction, right? That's why I'm saying third party app, family wizard or talking parents document any texts, they send any email, you don't respond to those. You only respond via the third party app. If you can. Hopefully that's in your decrees. If not, maybe you can add it to that. It is very important to use third party apps if possible. Okay? But either way, document all the texts, emails, quick questions, pick up issue, screenshot it then, right?
(14:22)If you don't have it on the third party yet, date it, save it. Have a little folder on your phone, okay? And the third party apps, timestamp everything and make it impossible for them to twist your words. Here's one that may be difficult for you guys. Some of you do not text or call casually. This is where the danger truly happens. This is where they bait you and gaslight you. Okay? We do everything in writing so it can be seen, documented, no casual calls, no talking about anything but your child and your child's needs. Or it will be used against you if you're dealing with a narcissist, it will be used against you. It's a matter of time if it hasn't already, okay? Keep it short and factual per the agreement. Child X will call at 7:00 PM or pickup is at 4:00 PM as stated, or I'll refer to the court order.
(15:27)No emotional language, no, I feel no, please, just clarity every word, every extra word. Actually we want to stick to the facts. Anything over that, any extra wording is an opening for them to manipulate. I want you to think about that. Get that in your head. Imagine all the facts there, right? Pick up at four. If you say pick up at four because X, y, z, and this happened and all of that, they take, they store, they use against you. Don't give them anything extra that's so important. You guys and your child is watching you model in a calm power. Even if they don't know the details exactly what's going on. When you work this way and function this way, you are calmer and they will feel that you're teaching them that boundaries don't have to mean conflict, they mean safety. Your child and you both need safety.
(16:31)Alright? So then protecting your child's beautiful nervous system. Look, they have a parent that's a narcissist. They're going to have to learn this. And this is a part I think people don't want to talk about. We feel guilty. We say, oh, how did I put them in this situation? Okay, let's move off the guilt train guys. Let's get in the now we're here. It happened, you got out. Great job. Your child is the child of a narcissist. So your job is to help protect their nervous system. One of the best things you can do, and this is the piece, not all therapists, not everyone talks about right? When your child interacts with a narcissistic parent, their nervous system will go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And you can't control what happens at their house, at your ex's house. But you can teach regulation for your child, what they can do with how their body feels, paying attention to how their body feels. You're setting them up with tools that will be lifelong help, whether it's with their narc parent or someone else in their future. So show them how to take deep breaths when they feel scared. Name what feels off. Let them name it. Teach them you can love someone and still have limits. And then reassure them. They don't have to fix anyone's feelings. Not even a parent truth bomb, not even yours.
(18:18)This is a good segue for what I also want to talk about because first of all, you're not best friends. I get it. We want to be close with our kids. That's great. It's not their job to take on our damn feelings and all the details of what your ex has done. That is toxic shit. And I'm not here for it. And you shouldn't either. You shouldn't be here for it. Talk to a friend, go have a martini and talk about it. But you do not talk trash about the other parent to your child or share adult details of what's happening.
(18:54)They're not your friend. They're a child who needs guidance, not your gossip. I know it's hard. I get it. I do get it. I get it. We want to tell the whole world about the awful narcs. I get it. But saying your dad's a narcissist doesn't protect them, especially when they're young. It can confuse them and burden them. But instead, and I get it, you want to set them up, but that's to the next point. Instead, teach them to notice behaviors and trust their inner compass. So if dad does start guilt tripping or love bombing, right? But they'll tell you about it. This is where you say, how did that make you feel? What do you think you need right now? Help them become a little therapist. I love therapy and I want anything I've said about some therapists don't know. That's my experience, that not all therapists want to talk about certain things. And I think they work for establishments that have certain rules and so they have certain things they may or may not get into, but I'm free to get into whatever the hell I want. So here I am. But anyway, yes, you're creating little therapists asking the open-ended questions. How did that make you feel? What did you think you need right now? And you can teach them to ask themselves this in those moments. So when you're not there, this is very important. You can't always be there.
(20:32)You're not going to be at the narcs house. You're not going to be with them when they're out with their friends, when they're 18 years old, when they're off to college. So teaching them to ask themselves these questions as well. Guide them toward emotional awareness, not judgment. How am I feeling? What do I need? Maybe I need to take a few breaths and then maybe I need to just walk outside for a few minutes. And maybe they want to have opportunities to do every single thing they want to do when they're in the narcs control because the narcs controlling, they might not let them walk outside, but maybe they can go sit and journal, keep it, have a locked journal.
(21:18)They can take the deep breaths. That's how you help them build discernment without shame. We do not want to shame them for their feelings. It's discerning. So you're not teaching them to disrespect their parent or ignore their parent. It's discerning. And then being able to self-manage and cope with having a narcissistic parent. And that lesson will protect them for life. I do feel like I need to go more into this. I need an episode. Let me know in my Facebook group if you'd like that episode or you can email me. So let's wrap it up here. This is a long 21 minutes. Woo. We're doing it. So you were not called to raise a peacekeeper. Exactly, yes, we want peace, but not in a people pleasing way.
(22:19)You want to raise a truth teller and a truth teller, it doesn't have to be a mean disrespectful calling out truth teller, but it's someone who knows their truth. The truth is self-aware and also can self-soothe, can help their own nervous system. And the way you model these things is by being one yourself. Yay. Look at all that work full circle. So when you stop accommodating toxicity and you're showing them that, so when they are older, they see that my 11-year-old daughter, she's a narc professional. I mean, she knows the work I do. So she knows it's narcissistic and she's older and understands more, not about specific people, but just how to deal with certain behaviors. That's the most important thing. She recognizing what manipulation is, she recognizes what gaslighting is. She recognizes when it's even just a toxic, not a two-way street. She dumped a friend because they would never compromise just with playing games at recess. It was always what they wanted, what they wanted. And she said, you know what? I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't compromise. She literally said that to them and that was the end. And now she has a very, very sweet, best friend that it's all give and take. Very thoughtful. So not exactly narc related, but showing you what you do. They see, they see and they hear and they feel everything. They were sponges, right?
(24:06)So when you accommodate this toxicity, or stop, I guess I'll say, when you stop accommodating it, you're not starting a war, but you're ending the cycle. Your kids will thank you because not because you kept everyone happy, because you can't do that, not with a narc, but because you showed them what healthy actually feels like. You're not going to have complete peace all the time, but you can have peace inside of yourself and you can teach your child to learn to have peace inside of themself. And you don't make peace by bending over backwards when you've already got rules in place, right? Let's uncondition that. How do you do that? I don't know. Have you ever heard of Christie Jade? She does some coaching, she does some somatic healing.
(25:09)I will choke in my spit. That's what I'll do. Excuse me. I got so excited about working with you now. I'll always put in my show notes the ways to work with me. I have such amazing clients and right now we are doing really powerful work. I've got some clients who are heavier on the coaching and a little somatic, and then I've got some who are heavier on the somatic, depending where you are in your journey. And the somatic is that's healing from the body. And that is the deeper internal work that is really that long lasting healing because it's your body remembers and you are retraining all of what we're talking about here, uncondition, what's been done. And it is mind blowing until you really do it. You don't totally get it. But please come sign up for a session with me. I have very limited spaces.
(26:04)I will say that I actually still, I have to write back to someone who wrote, there was no spots in the next coming weeks. But, so I will open up a couple spots because I know it's holiday time and the narcs come out wild, so I know you all need it. So I'll open up a couple extra spots and I have monthly and a three month transformation coaching and somatic healing, which is, that is for the people who are here to just rise up out of where you are and completely your life. So I'll put all of that information there in the show notes. And I also have a, which is really relevant for this, if you just want to check out something simple, I have My Empowered Boundaries course. So you want to talk about boundaries that goes deep into how to have the energy around that, what to say and do, how to have the conversations.
(27:10)It is really epic. So you can purchase My Empowered Boundaries course too. I'll put that in the show notes. Alright, and then like I said, join my free Facebook community. It's private full of women just like you. And come in there, say hi. Tell me if you want that all about Kids Grounding Podcast episode. And there's also a Boundaries Pocket Guide that's free, that'll be in the notes. And I will see you on Thursday. We will do a little Somatic Healing on Thursday's episodes. Don't forget to follow my podcast wherever you are listening and I'll see you on Thursday. Love you, bye.