But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

Finding Healthy Friends as an Adult

This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, has been hurt or insecure in friendships and is struggling to find true friendship later in life.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)What's up? Welcome to, but still she thrives. It's Christy. We're gonna have like a kickback. Let's just be real. Let's be transparent and let's talk about something that more than just people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse can relate to today. And that topic is how it can be hard to make or maintain friendships as we get older. And yes, having abuse in your childhood or even in your relationships can have an impact. We'll talk about that and then we'll just talk about how certain situations with friends can really have an impact on future friendships. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or at pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)Honestly, this episode, I just wanted to be very forthcoming. I wanted to open up a little, you can get to know me a little better and just how certain things have affected me in my life, in friendships, um, not just relationships or not just related to narcissism. I thought I'd just have a very open conversation about this. And I mean conversation. I want you guys to email me or write in the Facebook group. Um, those things are on how to contact me are always in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast on wherever you're listening it. So let's start off. First of all, for those people who have gone through narcissistic abuse, this can have a huge impact on our relationships and our friendships. Um, that's something we don't always talk about. For me, dealing with narcissism really created some big insecurities in me. Speaker 1: (02:58)I had some confidence in some areas, but when it came to relationships or even friendships, I was trying to make up for a loss, right? Like I almost created a family with my friendships. So very dependent on friends, like they were like my family. I felt very close and connected to my friendships that I formed. I was very good at keeping up with them and keeping close to them. That's something I'm really still good at, um, especially in my inner circle of people. That is something people have even noticed and noted about me my whole life. And I think part of that is, yes, I'm an extrovert and whatever that, that plays into it, but I think it's also when you feel like there's a disconnect and you're not treated well by some members of your family that you're around, it's, it feels safer and more comfortable to create your own space, right? Speaker 1: (03:57)Like I would not be home as much as maybe the typical person. I would stay out, I would stay over friends' houses a lot to kind of build that safety and security that I did not feel. So as I got older, um, like I said, I'm an extreme extrovert. I have a ton of acquaintances, but I would call them more than that. And I had one friend that was like, I had like 50 people at my party and she's like, there's no way you can like actually be friends, friends with these people. It's like 50 people. And I'm like, mm, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty close with a lot of em, you know, because I created that dynamic. So as I got older and had more responsibilities and got married, had a child, and especially when I did this could come with just age and maturity, but in my situation it also came with, you know, having a narcissistic abuser in my life and cutting that person off and realizing, wait, there are other people in my life and other friends that aren't treating me the best. Speaker 1: (04:56)It was just like once, it's kind of like one of those domino effects where once you realize something and you set it free and you see how feel it feels so good, you start to realize, wait, I'm getting that other feeling in this part of my life, right? So it's this domino effect. So that started happening. So there were a couple of friends that some I tried to talk to and it wasn't received well. Some just kind of distance naturally that I felt I had to create that distance to have peace in my life, to feel like I was being treated well by friends and not controlled it. You know, sometimes when you're used to narcissism or a certain way of, it doesn't even have to be narcissist, but a certain type of person in your life, in your childhood, you can later almost be drawn or during childhood be drawn to that. Speaker 1: (05:49)And as you get older, be drawn to relationships that are similar, right? Like people that are maybe more on the controlling side or people that it's their way or the highway Highway or whatever they say goes, that definitely can play out. And you might be bob in your head. Yep, yep. Especially if you've been through abuse. So I'm gonna dive in kind of pivot here to talk about a situation that happened when I was engaged. When I got engaged, one of my very, very, very close bestest friends, basically as I say, broke up with me. It, it felt like that. I mean, I was friends with her for ver a very long time. I think it was like two decades, well, no, 15 years maybe. But we were very, very close. And I still to this day am not entirely sure why she cut me off. Speaker 1: (06:37)And it really hurt. I got it, got a vague idea, but it, you know, it was something that was really sad that we couldn't talk it out. But then fast forward years later, I had a similar situation where I cut someone off and I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't even, I didn't wanna try anymore. And I think it was just like the reverse of that, you know? She didn't wanna try, she didn't have the energy to say or do whatever she had to say or do. And it was devastating to me. I was very, very like really heartbroken over it. You know, this is one of my best friends and, and it sucked at the end of the day. It sucked. And I know a lot of women who this has happened to in their lives. A lot of my own friends, a lot of clients that have lost friends and either don't know why or they do know why, but it's just really unfortunate and it, it's hard and it can change us. Speaker 1: (07:30)So this is the part where whether you have have had abuse in your life or not, which, if you've had abuse a man, that rejection there, that feeling like you found someone you felt safe with and they let you go like that, that is what really was hard for me. I think, you know, yes, it was sad to let her go, but we had kind of grown, uh, I won't say a part, but grown into, we were growing into kind of different people than each other and maybe different interests, different things like that. So on the service, if you looked at it, it wasn't like, and she had been kind of not so nice to me the couple years before we stopped talking. So part of me was like, well, it's not even like, oh my gosh, I can't live without this specific person. I think it really dug at that wound of man I felt safe and that's not real. Speaker 1: (08:25)It almost made me feel like I, I thought I could trust and I was safe with this person and I'm not. And after you go through abuse, like that really can re-trigger things. And so I think that's why it was like just really hard to deal with at the time. Anyway, obviously life went on and I grew, but I did notice that when I was meeting new people, I had a wall up. And that can happen where I didn't, I didn't really trust women. I get along, I feel like I get along easier with men. Um, and I don't know if that's just, cuz this situation, it's like girlfriends, this happened with or whatever. I do feel like in general, I'm very goofy and sarcastic and sometimes in my world, at least where I live or people I've met, I do feel like men are almost more easygoing. Speaker 1: (09:12)Or maybe, maybe it's a thing where they're not looking to make friends and I'm not looking to have like man friends around. So it's kind of like, it's just, there's no expectation there. So it lifts that potential, you know, friendship or whatever. You know how like you have mommy dates, it's like, oh, I, I hope I like this. You know, kid's, mom, that'd be cool. There's, I don't feel like there's like a big potential for that because I don't know, as a married woman, I'm not gonna be like hanging out with these other men 24 7, go and get our nails done. And shopping at Target, though, that would be fun. I've told my husband, I'm like, God, I wish I could like do it up with all the men. , that sounds awful. That is not what I meant, which just came outta my mouth. Speaker 1: (09:53)Um, but he knows what I mean. He's like, well, I mean you can talk to men and Christie, you know, I'm like, I know, but there's just a difference. So anyway, I get sidetracked, but that's me welcome to ADHD world. But back to meeting new friends, having these walls up, not trusting. I've met people though also that just, they're like, I don't wanna put in that effort because it feels like dating all over again. It feels like surface level. And I don't love surface level. I am like one that goes in. Um, but I also love to have fun. I'm, you know, if you follow me, you know, I'm goofy, I'm silly, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous basically. And I like some ridiculous people. So it's kind of like dating again and we have these responsibilities. Maybe you have kids like I do, a lot of my friends have kids and sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything. Speaker 1: (10:45)It's overwhelming for me. I would say I do crave those closer connections. And having that tribe of people, I feel like for me, I have a, I have a lot of friends like in different areas of my life, but not like one, you know, tribe that's like together kind of. And I always think that's cool and I've been part of those, but as life ebbs and flows, um, I've gone kind of in and out of some of those situations and as I've opened my eyes to what I want in friendships, I've also been like, well that isn't working for me. But since I've had that discovery, which was how many years ago, probably eight years ago, I do have like a radar with people I meet and it's like, I mean, it's not like I'm, it's a crazy screening test. Not, but it is like, is this person thoughtful? Speaker 1: (11:38)I mean, there's a lot of people that are really up their own. Let me just say it. And I, I might get flack for this because I understand some people, I don't know, like even my husband's like, why? I just, he's like, so, feels, feels socially awkward. So he is like, I just kind of answer what people ask. And beyond that he, like, when he's on the surface level part of it, he obviously has deeper friendships, but he doesn't, it's not in him to dive deeper and ask people a lot of questions. Like me, I feel like Oprah Winfrey, like I just, I love, I'm fascinated with people. I love learning about people. I love different people's cultures. And so, you know, I really try to find out about people and I, and I care, like if I, if I, you know, connect with you, I'm like, oh, let's hang out. Speaker 1: (12:24)You know, there's a potential for a friendship. I'm, I love my people. So I will say something in my more recent years, like if someone's all about them and then there's a difference between Shire people and people that are extroverted, but all they talk about is themselves. And you can ask 'em 50 questions and then they don't ask one question about you. Like, that is a pet peeve of mine. I don't get it. And I'm like, especially if they are extroverted, but hey, I don't know everyone's life. So there could be another reason, right? They could be, they could be insecure about it, but I'm just, I told you I'm being an open book today. So back to the walls that we hold, especially if we had abuse in our life, but even if we didn't, just, if you've been hurt by a friend, if you just, you know, have your issues cause of X, Y, Z, we can have these walls up or not have the energy or feel like we don't have the time. Speaker 1: (13:19)Or maybe you are my socially awkward husband. Sorry honey, sorry . Um, actually he doesn't care about really making new friends. I mean he, he likes people, you know, but it's not like he doesn't have the desire like I do as an extrovert, right? To connect like that is something like I need in daily life to connect with people outside of even probably my inner circle. I mean, I talk to my like real tight girls every day, like text, sometimes we talk on the phone, but I do like connecting outside of that circle. So I just wanted to talk about this cuz I, I think, you know, we don't always talk about this and it's something I want people to not feel alone. Like if you have this, especially if you've gone through abuse, you already listened to my podcast, then you probably have been through some sort of abuse. Speaker 1: (14:08)That's why it can feel harder. That's why it can be more emotional when we reach out to someone like, Hey girl, you wanna go get some, you know, go grab a drink. And they're like, oh yeah, definitely. And then you're like, cool, let me know when, and they never get back to you. And then you feel like, oh wow, I guess they don't, they don't like me, right? It's like these insecurities, I mean, I feel that way. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm too much. You know, which could be, hey, I could be too much for some people , but it's not always what we're telling ourselves. It's those negative, crappy thoughts often created by being mistreated, like as children or in, in relationships prior. A lot of it is just BS thoughts that enter our heads and people are just either busy or yeah, they're not really into making new friends in the season of life or they're scatterbrained. Speaker 1: (15:03)I had one friend, I actually, I've had two people say this to where I, I reached out and asked them to hang out and they're like, oh, I can't on Thursday, but, you know, keep asking me. Or you know, the other ones, I, I forget the exact wording, but you know, no, but, but keep trying. We gotta hang out. Where I was like at first like, well that's jacked up. Why do I gotta be the one to initiate all the time, you know? But guess what? Because you're the one that wants to connect and it seems like they want to and they have followed, like I have followed up and we have hung out. But some people, they're just not great at doing that. So I guess this is just to say you're not alone if you're feeling this way. It is hard as we get older and keep pushing, keep trying. Speaker 1: (15:44)If you wanna connect, try to make it less personal. It's not always about you. It might be girl, maybe you're annoying as. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But yeah, not everyone is gonna be for any, everybody either. But that's not bad. That's the, that's the way the world is, right? I mean, if we got along with everybody famously and had 90 best friends, that'd be way overwhelming. So, you know, it's good to have discernment when you have had abusive situations. You may be like me where you may be like, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about looking for signs of like, mm, that person is too into themselves. And it does seem like they always take over and only wanna do what they wanna do. And like I see these red flags. Are they always red flags or am I little overcautious? I don't know. Speaker 1: (16:31)But that's where I'm at. And so far I've made some really nice friends and I'm making more friends and I'm bringing in some further friends closer that I think seem like really good people and they're uplifting and they're, they're doing good things in their lives and not gossiping and talking and they actually, there's like substance there that's important to me too. So it's like we wanna kind of have people that we don't wanna force friendships with just anybody. And at the same time, it can be hard to find friends in this stage of life, right? So I'd love just this conversation to keep going. I will bring it up in my Facebook group, email me if you wanna talk privately about it. Cause I think a lot of people deal with this stuff and just, I don't think we discuss it as much as we could and to feel supported. Speaker 1: (17:19)That being said, I think that's, I'm, I'm deciding today, I'm gonna do an extra episode this week, A quickie on maybe tips on making friends in later life and after abuse and all of that. Cuz I have been kind of working through this with myself so that I'm lowering my wall and letting more people in, more closely letting myself be vulnerable, which has not been easy for me, um, you know, in the last several years. So even though I've met people, I kind of, I don't let 'em all the way in, you know, I've noticed that. So I'm excited. I'm, and I'm starting to, we can do it together, work on it together. But I have started thinking about ways to do it and I'm going to put that on my next episode. Some little tips if you're in the same situation as I am. Speaker 1: (18:11)And if you wanna be my online friend, hit me up. Hit me up girl. Um, it's always fun. I have made so many online friends during the pandemic, oh my gosh, the, especially in 2020, even 2021 I was in online groups and like there is a plethora of amazing people out there and we have like the whole world that we're able to connect to because of the internet, which is just amazing. It's so cool. So yes, that's, I guess that's the tip I'll leave you with. You can also do online, but I'm a big in-person, person that a person, person, person, . I really am into connecting and, and actually, you know, feeling that vibe. Did I just say vibe? Feeling that vibe girl. But you know, connecting in person. But sometimes if you are super shy or awkward, even meeting people online could build your confidence, whatever. Speaker 1: (19:07)Um, but let's do tips on meeting new friends. I will throw that out later this week. So make sure you're subscribed to my podcast on, but still she thrives there. You just click a little subscribe button. And I would love you guys if you are liking this podcast, please, if you have not, go scroll down and check off, not check off like, I don't know, hit the five star little guy if you like me that much. If you wanna gimme five stars, if you wanna gimme one, just skip this . Just don't do that. , no. Gimme a five star review and I'd love to hear your actual feedback too. You can write a little comment in there and that really helps my podcast reach more people. So I would so appreciate it. And big air hugs. You deserve good friendships. You are amazing. You're a great friend. Speaker 1: (19:59)And f those people who are mean to you, . All right, see you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you.

Ep 70 How to Deal with a Naracissist's Smear Campaign Against You

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:03)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:00)Hello and welcome. I know it's been a hot minute since I have done a new recording, but here I am and I wanna try out, uh, let me know if the audio's okay. I always have my email address. I'll check the audio, but if you guys feel like the audio is good enough or you want me to go back into my smaller room with my headphones, but I thought I would try this, this way, it might end up sounding that great. But I'm just gonna do a quick, a quick little podcast bonus episode. Um, I've been reentering some older stuff and trying to figure out how to pivot this podcast. I feel like I am growing. I'm doing all of this somatic healing. Um, I just got, well, I'm almost, almost have my new certification in somatic healing and that's really expanding what I'm doing and I would love to incorporate a lot of healing and empowerment, not just around narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (01:53)So I would love to hear your feedback in an, um, email to me that will be in the show notes. Fierce Mama c is my email. Like I said, it's in the show notes. You can just, just grab it there and let me know if you would like to hear a more broad range of healing and empowerment. Not totally all narcissistic abuse related. Um, really focusing on just recovery and bettering your life and healing in general, um, and sprinkling in some episodes like this of narcissistic specific stuff. So yesterday, this is why I decided to, uh, talk about this today. Yesterday I was, um, thinking about a time in my past where I felt like I was terrified of a smear campaign, right, of a smear campaign that was going on. And if you don't know what a smear campaign this is, this can be anybody, I guess can technically do it, but it's often related to narcissists that they will do this as a form to try to control or gain control or get you even back. Speaker 1: (03:05)So what they do is they will try to smear your name. They will make up lies. They will, um, share information maybe that you did share with them that they promise to not tell people. But you know, once you have gone against them or left them odds are they, it's, it's very common that a narcissist will then start what's called a smear campaign. They're smearing your name and they're campaigning, right? They are getting as many people as they can on their side of things, believing their narrative and going against you, right? The flying monkeys, they're called, um, Sam Nan coined that phrase. It's the flying monkeys. And it's terrifying because you got all of these people now believing these untruths usually about you. Um, and they're on like under the demise of the narcissist, which if you know a narcissist, you know how it is to be under the thumb of them. Speaker 1: (04:03)And now these other people, you're finally out of it or getting out of it. And then you've got these other people that are now being controlled and being tricked by the narcissist, right? And they're gonna come after you or go against you. So what, what is the way to deal with this? And this is kind of common in what I say. The best way is no contact with the narcissist. Just like the best way to deal with a smear campaign is to not address it. No response. And this is hard. I was thinking back for me, I was like, there was someone that was believing some of the stuff this person was saying, and I was desperately trying to convince. And that is not what you're supposed to do, right? You are supposed to not respond, not take the bait, and you have to do this. Speaker 1: (05:00)And it, it takes strength because you have to believe and have faith, which I do now then I didn't. I've healed to a place where I now know in my heart that the good people, the people who support me, my true friends, my true family that supports me, those people are going to believe me. Um, it's one thing if you wanna say one time, just so you know that's not true, right? But overly trying to convince somebody, one of the flying monkeys or people that ha the narcissist is trying to control, maybe they're not successful yet, but the person's like, well, wait. Is this true about you? You can say, look, I didn't do this. You can choose to believe what you want, but that will filter out, it will filter out the people who really aren't a hundred percent for you, right? It'll filter out the people that are easily swayed by the narcissist. Speaker 1: (06:08)And again, we know narcissists are very, they're good at what they do. But once you're out of that mindset, it's good to surround yourself with other people that are not easily swayed by, by narcissists or by controlling people, right? That have their own minds and have gotten to a place in life where they can trust themselves. And now that you're in this space, you can know and come to this, well hopefully are, if you're not, let's do some somatic healing that is basically healing from the body. It's epic work. Email me or I will put, um, a Calendly link to just go ahead and set up your first session. It is amazing. Um, I should probably do a whole episode on explaining it more. Um, but it's really epic work. I have had such an awesome time doing it, and the work is deep work, long lasting work, and, and we always try to make it as fun as we can. Speaker 1: (07:06)Any type of work with me. So it's, everyone has loved it so far, . Um, but when you get to this healed space, it's important to know that it's actually a good thing. Like when these situations come up, instead of feeling the stress and hell around it, focus on the fact that this is going to clear out the toxic people around you. Because if you have in your, a lot, this is common. When you have gone through trauma and abuse growing up, you may have not picked the best friends. You may surround yourself with Fairweather friends or just people that control you or just, you know, can switch on a dime, right? Like not the healthiest of people because you don't know any better. You've been in abusive situations, you tolerate more than a healthier minded person. If you are in my space, odds are you're looking to get healthier or you are healthier than you were. Speaker 1: (08:09)Your mindset is better, right? Maybe there's more healing to do, but you're in a better space where you know, you wanna feel peace, you actually are ready for peace. So when you're ready for peace, things like a smear campaign, they can come at you and they can be ugly. But it's for you to now realize this is actually a little bit of a blessing because I know it's going to cut out anybody who doubts me. Isn't that, isn't that beautiful? Anyone who doubts you will be gone. So the person I'm talking about in my life that talked about me, it was nothing too too crazy, but just, you know, I was the bad guy all of a sudden, which was insane because I was the one getting abused and getting threats, all of that. We had mutual friends, a couple of 'em, and one of the mutual friends became kind of this flying monkey, um, contacting me to convince me to do X, y, z asking me questions, um, really trying to convince me to get back in touch with this other person, right? Speaker 1: (09:23)The narcissist. And you know what? I was luckily at a place where I did not fall prey, but I did at that point. This was years ago. I did at that point have this feeling of like, fear of this person is, doesn't like me anymore. They're not gonna like me if I'm not doing what the narcissist says or doing what this person flying monkey is trying to get me to do. They're not gonna like me anymore. And I like this person. This is a fun person. I enjoy this person. But I knew I had to choose myself and my health at that point, and my mental health, my, my peace. I chose my peace. And now I'm at such a point I can look back and be like, oh, that's a a friend anyway. Right? Like, that's somebody I don't need in my life. Speaker 1: (10:13)That's somebody who was not looking out for my wellbeing. They didn't care if I was going through hell because of this other person they cared about being in with the narcissist, right? And that, that narcissist probably got them to do this by, um, well, pulling them in first, right? And then probably love bombing and saying, you know, oh, I trust you and you're the best. Could you do this for me? It would, it would make it make me feel so good. And you're just the only person that, right, they're gonna sugar them up. That's what I call it the love bombing. It's just like putting just sugar all over you and telling you how sugary and wonderful you are and just all the good feelings, right? That person fell for it. I get it. You know, we can fall for this when we're not healthy in our minds. Speaker 1: (11:05)So that showed me a, that person was not for me or looking out for my best interest. Yeah. After I told them, look, this is the truth, they didn't care. And two, or B, whatever I was saying, one, two, um, they were not healthy in their own mind because they didn't have enough strength to stand up or get away from a toxic person like that person, right? So it's actually a good thing and it may not feel good. There are different situations, uh, where it could be at work or in your family and you feel like you have to deal with it and you're stuck. I'm a big believer in you're never stuck. The only time legally I feel like you're stuck with co-parenting. That's a good example of being stuck in a way, right? But we address that in the, um, other episodes I have on co-parenting. Speaker 1: (12:00)But so someone will give an example, let's say, but at work, this, uh, coworkers getting these other coworkers to fly monkey, you know, all around and, and whatever that can happen. What I say to that is to me that shows if you address it with HR or something, right? You can go that route. Often it is said you can play the game with the narcissist and act like you are scared or act like you are, um, totally in agreeance to the flying monkeys, right? So, so the narcissist thinks it's working, so they kind of back off and feel like they're in control, right? Because all they want is control number one thing. I can't do that. So this is up to you, you can play the game. To me that is not honest with myself. I'm not a game player that disturbs my peace to play games. Speaker 1: (12:59)It's, it's too much energy in my brain that I wanna spend on like joyful fun things. Not like, ooh, how can I manipulate the narcissist back? Like, I don't have time for that. If you feel like that's a great answer for you, you can, for me, it shows me I'm not in alignment with this situation. Let's say I go to HR and HR is like, oh yeah, kind of dismisses it or something. It's time to find a new job. I'm not saying that's super easy, can do it in a minute, but it's possible. People move jobs, especially in this day and age, back in like the olden days, people really stuck with jobs for like their whole career. And that's great if you can do that and you love that. But many people Job Hopper, even just like, um, consulting like with different companies, right? Speaker 1: (13:45)Like I feel like you are not stuck as mu as much as people think they're stuck, they're not. I found that with my clients and we push back the stuckness and get into much better situations. So that's something to remember. You might be like, well, I I'm at work. What, what else can I do? Well, you can start looking for another job, right? Like, and, and let's say like, but I love my work. Do you though, if you're here and you're getting all stressed out every day 'cause of these people and flying monkeys around you, you have to love your work overall. And if it is disturbing your peace, I'm so much a faith person that I believe God would direct me to something better. Because anything that isn't in alignment like that is a clear sign to me that it's not for me and I need to get away from it. Speaker 1: (14:39)It's worked so far very well in my life. So that is today's episode. I just had this kind of, I wasn't gonna be doing narcissist specific episodes for a while. I'm trying to like kind of find my voice for, for my podcast again, um, to just pivot and I was gonna sprinkle some in, but I just felt that yesterday I just, that I was just thinking about it. I was like, I need to share this because I think it's really important. So that is your little smear campaign. It's kind of like the no contact rule. The best response is no response and doing whatever you can to not take the bait. That's my whole quote or my motto with narcissist. Don't take the bait gray rocket, right? If you don't know Gray Rock is, look at my Gray Rock episode and get as far from the situation as you can. Speaker 1: (15:35)You're not stuck most times you're not stuck. Even if you're co-parenting, there are ways to deal with that. That is a situation where you kind of do the gray rock and give as little as possible. Don't show emotions, you know, um, keep the language very simple, factual to the point. No excess anything, right? Those are examples. Again, I have a whole episode on that. Um, I can try to remember the link or you can just, if you type in Gray Rock Method, I think I'm usually the first one that comes up. You can put my name with it. Um, but still she thrives the podcast and Gray Rock, which hopefully that episode should come up. But yes, if you have any questions, feel free to email me anytime. Fierce Mama c at Gmail and check out my offerings right now. I'll put my calendar Lee link in. Speaker 1: (16:21)That is a scheduling link. So if you wanna do either mindset work, coaching wise, narcissistic abuse, recovery wise, you have to be out of your situation for a while. I don't work with people that are still living with a narcissist. That is just my specialty is let's work on after and recovery. Or if you just want to up uplevel your life, you want to heal, you want to get deeper healing that is lasting, um, that starts with the body. So somatic healing is amazing. Um, so I'll put the links in there. You can email me and we can figure out like what the best option would be for you. And I will see you in the next episode. Bye.

What Not to Do When Co Parenting with a Narcissist

Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Mentioned Episode:
The Grey Rock Method:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
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All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist. Speaker 1: (00:40)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings. Speaker 1: (02:52)They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that. Speaker 1: (03:52)So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket. Speaker 1: (04:44)Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right? Speaker 1: (05:39)So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings. Speaker 1: (06:30)Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (07:22)You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court? Speaker 1: (08:19)Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate. Speaker 1: (09:15)And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right? Speaker 1: (10:04)So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon. Speaker 1: (10:50)By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer

It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
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Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34)Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42)Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40)Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34)And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27)I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

How to Stay Calm and in Control During Conversations with Narcissists

Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist? Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations.
mentioned episodes:
Episode 2 (about gaslighting and more)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-2-5-signs-of-toxic-people-and-how-to-get-rid/id1662241353?i=1000592070178
Episode 5 (Grey Rock Method_
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
 
SIGN UP TO FIND YOUR PATH TO PEACE!https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
 
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations. Speaker 1: (00:19)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all the fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)Look, I'm a big believer in people can change and grow, but narcissist not so much. It is basically like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 1% chance that they can. And I'm not here for waiting around and neither are you. So narcissists are constantly trying to find a way to control you. They do this by deflecting, making you feel like you're being unreasonable. And lighting, which I go into detail in an episode two if you're interested. So when you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, it can be hard to keep your cool and stay focused on the goal of the conversation or whatever you're trying to get across, right? Because they can make you feel like cuco, crazy cuco. But if the situation calls for it, there are four tips here that will help you keep control of the conversation. Number one, and this is a mantra of mine, don't take the bait. Speaker 1: (02:32)They want a fight. They want the power struggle. It's important to remember that a narcissist, they wanna win, right? It's their whole shtick. And the only way they can feel like they've won is what if you lose whoever they're talking to. So if you're in this conversation, they want you to lose. They're not gonna leave till you've lost. So don't take that bite bait. They can really wear you down. If you don't get into the power struggle with them. Their only option is to eventually walk away from the conversation, or I prefer to walk away from it myself, usually, right? So they will over time get sick of your lack of reaction. And that's called the Gray Rock Method, which I have a whole episode and I will put all relative, um, episodes in the show notes, the description of the podcast. So anyway, this is one of those moments where it's okay to not be nice and to not give anything away. Speaker 1: (03:26)You don't have to react emotionally or defensively and give them what they want. That is what they want, an emotional response from you that validates their feelings as being justified in some way, even though we know they're not, right? So this leads us to number two. Don't succumb to their demands. Set those boundaries and stick to them. The narcissist will try to guilt you into doing things for them. But don't let them set your boundaries. Stick to them. Be hardcore. Be that fierce queen. You are . You don't need to give an explanation. If they give pushback, just stand firm and just repeat whatever it is. No, I'm not comfortable doing that. Or no, I'm not going to do that. I need to go whatever it is. Um, hopefully you can have these conversations if you have to converse with them on the phone where it's easier to click and get away. Speaker 1: (04:17)If not, make sure you have a way to get out of a conversation with a narcissist in general. That is always a recommendation of mine. So stay in control of the conversation and if you need to leave it, leave it. Number three, do not talk about emotional things with them and do not get emotional. This is, this is one of the hardest things to do, especially when they're trying to manipulate and twist your mind all around. Okay? But it's important to remember they're not your friend. They don't care about you. That might be hard to hear if you're in the beginning phases of overcoming this, but they only care about themselves and how they look in front of others, right? The narcissist will try very hard to get a reaction out of you by saying something hurtful or offensive. Do not let them, if someone does something mean or insulting toward me, I tend to get upset at first cuz I may believe them, right? Speaker 1: (05:11)Like I'm an empath. We start to, we self-reflect. But with narcissist, you must realize this person doesn't actually care about your feelings. They care about making themselves feel better by getting under your skin and taking what control. So in order for us to not get sucked into this cycle of negativity over and over again, we need some self-control skills when dealing with narcissists. So do not talk about emotional things with them. Keep it very like surface level, okay? You're, you cannot trust them. They will use your emotions against you any opportunity. This includes sharing personal details. Even if they ask, you can just say, oh, I'm not gonna share that right now. Or, oh, I got just deflect. Get out of the situation. Or just if you can be firm with them, which I'm at that point, but I know it's hard in the beginning, but try to be as firm as you can and just say, you know, I'm not, I'm not comfortable sharing that information right now. Speaker 1: (06:10)Okay? And also, do not let them know how they make you feel. Don't say you've hurt me and you've done this. They don't care. And that's, that's again, giving them the control that they love and need. And it can backfire on you. So avoid any sort of emotional discussion and getting emotional. Save the tears for later in your bathtub and a bond bun. Number four, explain nothing. If you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, the best thing to do is give zero explanation for anything, even if they ask. They love to drag explanations out of people. If you're not succumbing to their needs, like we talked about, they're going to try to dig and they know you may be a people pleaser or an empath or just a normal human who doesn't wanna pa make people feel bad. So they will try to dig in there and get explanations out of you. Speaker 1: (07:05)And you need to, this is really you, where you need to stand your ground and not give any explanations. Keep your answers short and sweet or not sweet. That's okay too. You can save that sweetness for someone who deserves it. So you can be firm and direct and get out of the conversation as soon as possible. This is something just as a society especially, I don't know, in America, I am not, I can't speak for other countries, I don't live there, but I feel like we overexplain ourselves in general because we don't wanna make people feel bad. Like if we can't go to something, we sometimes will be like, well, I have this and that and that. And it's like this panic you feel like you have to explain. And my husband, who's the sweetest guy in the world, has said to me at, at times, like, why do you always feel like you have to explains so much? Speaker 1: (07:53)And I think that's part of my own trauma and my past with narcissist, um, relationship dynamic is I always had to explain, right? So we're done explaining queens, we're done explaining. This could be for narcissist, for anyone practice not explaining so much. Just saying, I'd love to but I can't make it. That's like for a regular example of RSVPing to somebody. Um, but then with a narcissist, they love, they love a detailed explanation so that they can actually use that against you and guilt trip you. So the shorter the no explanation, the better. Okay? All that being said, we're also human. So sometimes we may falter. In the beginning when I was, you know, getting out of a narcissistic situation, I, I was building my strength, I was getting confident, I was setting boundaries. I would falter sometimes. So don't beat yourself up, right? But remember that your feelings aren't the problem when you're dealing with a narcissist, it can be really tempting to think your reactions are what's causing the situation to escalate and get outta hand. Speaker 1: (09:02)This is often not true at all. Narcissists have this like, innate ability to push our buttons and make us feel small. It's part of their charm. So, or so they think, right? In reality though, there's nothing wrong with your emotions. They're just a natural response to their weird behavior . So try not to judge yourself too harshly when things may have gotten heated in the past or if you lose control for a moment now or moving forward. But now you have these tips to generally keep yourself calm and in control. So just to recap, do not take the bait. They want that fight. Don't get sucked in. Don't succumb to their demand. Set your boundaries. Do not talk about emotional things. Do not get emotional and explain absolutely nothing to them, right? Right. Ladies, you are amazing. You are fierce. And dang girl, you look good. All right. You got this queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot www.christyJade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!

Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:43)First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down. Speaker 1: (02:32)It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic. Speaker 1: (03:22)I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care. Speaker 1: (04:13)I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to. Speaker 1: (04:53)We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either. Speaker 1: (05:54)It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak? Speaker 1: (06:44)I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low. Speaker 1: (07:36)So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace? Speaker 1: (08:26)Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system. Speaker 1: (09:18)You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:07)But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean? Speaker 1: (10:58)We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that. Speaker 1: (11:44)I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Use The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins to Get Motivated!

Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
Speaker 1: (00:00), is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be. Speaker 1: (00:18)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39)After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse. Speaker 1: (02:35)So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever. Speaker 1: (03:33)Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you. Speaker 1: (04:29)And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.

5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse

Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
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1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
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Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30)So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28)So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14)Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13)But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02)Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55)Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50)That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33)So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22)And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05)I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55)The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44)Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37)Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse

Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
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All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
Journey to Peace Coaching Call and Blueprint
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
She Thrives Transformational Coaching - Monthly
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
Queens of Peace Coaching Program MINUS Voxer
Self Paced Boundaries Course: 
Empowered Boundaries Course
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
#NOTMYSHIT JOURNAL: 5 minutes a day to giving zero effs about the things you shouldn't
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation: 
Quick Morning Meditation
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter: 
DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
Abuse Recovery Affirmations: 
Affirmations
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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Let's connect on social media!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34)What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20)So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11)So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05)But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55)I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46)I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44)Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.