NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Ep 11 | 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30)So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28)So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14)Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13)But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02)Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55)Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50)That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

Ep 10 | 5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
MENTIONED LINKS:
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33)So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22)And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05)I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55)The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44)Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37)Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Ep 9 | How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
MENTIONED LINKS:
Grab my planner here
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
Life Changing Weekly 1:1 Coaching with me
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:00)Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36)Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34)What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20)So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11)So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05)But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55)I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46)I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44)Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.

Ep 8 | 5 Ways to Deal with Guilt Trips from Family and Friends After Going No Contact with a Narcissist

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
One of the most difficult (and somewhat unexpected) things about going no contact with a narcissist is the others that they pull in to guilt trip you! In today's episode I will talk about the ways to deal with this triangulation.  It isn't your fault, and just because others join in on the blame game, doesn't make it the truth. You know your truth, queen! 
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:
https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
 
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
 
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, hello. Today we are going to talk about something that is not talked about so much in regards to dealing with narcissism. As if the wrath of the narcissist after you cut them off is not enough, the guilt others may place on you can be devastating. In today's episode, I will discuss ways to help deal with those guilt trips because ain't nobody got time for that. Speaker 1: (00:27)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL call. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:37)When I disconnected from the narcissist in my life, other family members came at me telling me I was ruining the family. I did question myself but knew logically. Of course, the person who actually ruined the family was the one who was, I don't know, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Not me. But when you have gone through narcissistic abuse, your mind has been so tattered and twisted and messed up that you go back and forth believing the truth and the narcissist truth. Those are two different things. Spoiler alert. So guilt trips can absolutely work on you. You're an easy target for guilt trips. But I got therapy, which I highly recommend and I worked through that fake news story and created some solid ways to temper the guilt trips. So let's dig into the five ways to deal with it, to navigate all of the lovely guilt trips that may be coming your way. Speaker 1: (02:33)Alright, number one, have a short and simple phrase for when anyone comes at you with. Mine was because I don't mince words. That's. This other person is abusive and that is not my fault. You can do your own lovely little version of it. You don't have to have a curse word in there. I highly recommend it. I love a good and just make it short and simple and always go back to that and repeat it. That is is your, you don't get emotional, you don't fluff away with other words or well, this and that. No, just stick to the basics. Did I mess that up sometimes? Yeah, I'm human. Did I give myself grace? Yes, we need a lot of grace. Okay, number two, hang up, hang up the phone, walk away, leave. Get away from anyone trying to place blame on you for not tolerating abuse cuz that's what it is. Speaker 1: (03:26)I want you to let that sink in. We're actually gonna repeat it. I'm a good repeater. I'm like a parrot. Do not stick around anyone that is placing blame on you for not tolerating abuse. That's what it comes down to. Don't let them twist it into something. It's not. It's plain and simple. You decided to protect your peace. You walked away. You're not tolerating abuse that is healthy. You are the healthy one. Remember that? So you have full permission to say, I'm, I've gotta go. You can be polite about it or you don't have to be polite about it. They're not being polite to you. You can hang up the phone. You can say in a nice language, Hey, I've gotta run. Catch you later when you're not guilt tripping me. Hang up, walk away. Always be in a place. If you know these people are guilt tripper types, make sure when you're with them you have a way to get out without you know their car. Speaker 1: (04:17)Like you have your own car or whatever it is. Set your situations up and it might sound like that's a lot of planning. You'll get used to it. You know who you can trust and who you can or who you feel comfortable around in these situations as you navigate getting out of a narcissistic situation, always have a plan to get out because it can get uncomfortable. And then you have the control and can leave if you need to leave, if it's on the phone, that's an easy hangup button, but don't tolerate it. Okay, number three, ask them not to mention said person's name anymore. I did this in my life. I will say it's something I'm still navigating, um, still dealing with. I still have my moments where I take the bait. We're human so I want you to give yourself grace in this. But it is a very good habit to develop to not have their name mentioned and talked about if possible. Speaker 1: (05:06)I know with co-parenting that's trickier, but if there's someone in your life that you have been able to fully disconnect from, you can ask anyone that may be related or you have mutual friends, just I'd prefer if you don't talk about them in my presence, I'm, you know, I'm trying to heal and move on. It can bring it back up and I just like to avoid it. And you can mention that it will benefit both of you or all of you. If there's more than one, this will benefit everybody because it will keep the drama at bay and keep the peace. Number four, get support. A therapist, a life coach like me. Someone who truly understands narcissism. That is the important part. There are many people who do not get it. So shop around. It's like dating. Find somebody who truly gets it. I, I literally asked my therapist, have you been through narcissistic abuse? Speaker 1: (06:01)She opened up and told me she did. She told me a little of her experience. So I felt like okay, she's been through it. She knows how to navigate better than somebody who hasn't. Life experience is a thing. I believe it can go further than words in a book that people study. I respect that. I think it's great. The combination is the best way you can heal is if you have somebody who has the education and has also been through the experience. So getting support is huge. You're going to need it if you have someone coming at you guilt tripping you on the heels of disconnecting from a narcissist where you have the wrath of that narcissist and you're in a vulnerable space, you are going to need support again, always in the show notes is the phone number for the domestic abuse hotline where you can call them even if you don't have physical abuse going on. Speaker 1: (06:49)I wanna reiterate that you can call them for support and get counseling, all of that good stuff. So check that out in the show notes. Number five, expect it to continue. This is not the fun part. I shouldn't have ended on this. The narcissist will keep triangulating and that's when they bring someone else in to kind of do their dirty work or um, you know, cause problems basically and bugging that person or people which causes them to try to make you fix things, right? Them as in the people they're triangulating, then they will try to get you to fix the situation or make it better because they're getting it on their end from the narcissist. They are usually very fearful of the narcissist as many are. So instead of asking the narcissist to drop it or going against the narcissist, they will continue to guilt trip you to reconnect with the narcissist. Speaker 1: (07:39)So trying to get you to reconnect so that they can get rid of the narcissist pressure on them. Tough. Protect your peace people, okay? This is not okay. This is what the narcissist sets up on purpose to triangulate to try to cause more problems. And you have to just know this is going to happen and I've gotta be strong and do those other four things to get through it. So you have to set boundaries with these people in your life that give you guilt trips. There's no other way around that You're going to have to, in some cases you may have to disconnect from them if they will not leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, when someone's in the web of a narcissist, you know how it is. You've been through it, you know it's hard to get out of. And I at times have compassion for these people because I know what it's like to be under the thumb of a narcissist. Speaker 1: (08:32)It's not easy and you're scared of them. Maybe you're terrified of them, but I'm gonna tell you that is not your. You need to heal you and protect your peace. You can always give advice. I always say give advice once, right? So you can give your advice to these people but their is not your. And if they're on you and making you feel guilty and they're not stopping when you're asking them to, then you can can absolutely remove yourself or you know, make a dis more of a distant relationship with that person. Whatever you have to do to protect your peace, your peace is really important. As much stuff as I've gone through, I am the most at peace and happiest I've ever been in my life. And I would not be here without setting very strong boundaries that were very hard not just to set but to keep. Speaker 1: (09:19)Because people don't always make it easy, especially if a narcissist is involved because they're in the web of the narcissist and they're under their trance, they're under their spell and it can make for a lot of difficulty. But I am here to tell you there is hope and some of these people will absolutely respect your wishes if they value your relationship enough, right? So you have to, like I said, have a short phrase so you can just shut it down. That's. They're an abuser, not my fault. Okay? Hang up, leave the situation. If they're trying to guilt trip you just get out, get away from it. Three, ask them not to mention their name anymore that it will benefit you both and getting that support and then expecting it. And I don't say that to to be like womp womp expect it, but I think it helps us kind of just set the expectations and like, okay, this is gonna happen but I can handle it and everything's gonna be okay. Speaker 1: (10:15)I got this, you got this queen, right? You deserve to not be guilt tripped. You don't deserve that. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault and I want you to really, really hear that and feel validated because we do not get validated that it's not our fault. So this is a safe place where I see you and I know what you're going through and you're going to be okay and you have to keep believing it's not your fault. And don't get sucked into the guilt trips, okay? You are a queen bee, so don't forget that queen bees not your fault. Something else might be your fault. , I got, I got my own share of fault, right? We all got faults, we all have stuff we've done. We're not perfect. But someone being abusive to you is never ever your fault. You not tolerating it. Speaker 1: (11:07)You aren't breaking up a family that's not of your doing, that's you saying, I'm not dealing with this anymore and I'm walking away. And that's strength and that's beautiful and I love you for it. I'm proud of you and as always, smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over athttps://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

Ep 7 | Are You Making Excuses for Your Toxic Relationship? 9 Excuses Debunked | Narcissistic Abuse Healing

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
Did Bob the abuser have a tough childhood? WELL, maybe...but so did a lot of people. They aren't all out there abusing others. There is no excuse for people treating you like crap. Period. Let's go ahead and look at some of the top excuses we make for toxic people and debunk those excuses. 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
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https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
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https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about all the excuses that we give abusers. I've been there, I've done it. My clients have done it. You are listening here. If you have been the victim of abuse, I'm sure you have given your abuser excuses, you've excused them in your mind to yourself, maybe to other people. And we're here today to talk about what those excuses can look like and let's go ahead and debunk 'em cuz nobody's got time for that. She yet. Speaker 1: (00:35)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over@ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:44)So here are the excuses we give abusers. Number one, he had a hard life, he had a rough childhood, whatever. Guess what guys? A lot of people go through a lot of stuff in this world and they're not all out there abusing others. It's unacceptable. It isn't okay no matter what you have been through. It is not an excuse. Number two, it was my fault. I, I got him mad. Okay? No you didn't. You might have said something that he had an emotional response to, but guess what? He gets to control what he does without emotional response. If he is out of control and can't do that, he should seek help and not be in a relationship. It is never your fault. You cannot cause someone else to do something. People need to take accountability for their own actions. Never an excuse. Number three, they apologize. Speaker 1: (02:37)They said it wouldn't ever happen again. They promised newsflash, this is part of the cycle of abuse from the last episode. It is on repeat and it will happen again and most likely it will get worse. Number four, it doesn't happen all the time. Once is enough, it should not not happen more than one time. It shouldn't happen at all one time. But if it happens one time, you should get out. It usually, like I just said, gets worse and it will get more frequent as time goes on. But it doesn't matter. It shouldn't even happen once. And if it does, it's time to remove yourself from the situation. Number five, I know they love me and I love them, okay? People who truly love you do not abuse you. Again, people who truly love you do not abuse you. They may convince you that they do. Speaker 1: (03:31)They may have you believe that this is just, you know, part of them and they're gonna do better. But they love you. They love you, they love you, okay? Love does not look like pain. Love does not look like pain despite what some of those sad songs talk about. Maybe breakups look like pain when you are in love and you are in a healthy relationship that is functioning as it should, it is not a painful relationship. Sure you may have some conflict or disagreements, but it is not abuse and there's a difference. Number six, we have a lot of great times together. You would have even more if he wasn't abusing you. You deserve to have great times together without abuse. That's it. There is no excuse for abuse. I know it's very easy to clutch onto the fun memories and they will pull at your heartstrings to make you remember those. Speaker 1: (04:24)But it does not make up for abuse ever. Number seven, I don't want to because of the children, I can tell you this, children are going to be a lot more damaged if they stay in the home that has domestic abuse going on. They see it and the cycle will then continue with them where they will be used to it and think it's okay. They could go on into abusive relationships themselves, friendships, all of the above. So you're not only hurting yourself, you are actually hurting your children. You are not helping them by staying at all nine. Nobody else wants me Queen. Better shake that off. Look in the mirror. Yes they will. Right now though you need to focus on making sure you are out of the relationship are completely untied to this person. And this is where I can come in with helping you truly get separated where you are not connected to the person. Speaker 1: (05:25)Even after you are away, you can still be connected. So getting disconnected so that you can heal and you can be healthy enough to attract the right type of person who will love you, who will see you and hear you and value you and love you and trust you and not have you walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. You deserve more and you are worthy of it and you can get it. Absolutely. Now there are more reasons that are scarier reasons like you are afraid they will will hurt or kill you. Like you don't have enough money, you literally have zero money to your name. They have all control, or you have nowhere to go in these dire, more dire situations. I encourage you to call the domestic abuse hotline at 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 and they can help you with a plan. So we have the nine typical excuses and then we have more that someone on that hotline can help you with. Speaker 1: (06:28)And I will, like I said, I'll be having guests on here to talk about these things too. But in the meantime you can call 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 for support. I wanna leave you knowing there is hope. There are tons of people who get out of these situations successfully. I am one of them. I know a lot of them are my clients. There's a lot of domestic violence unfortunately in this world. But there's a lot of hope and a lot of people that do get out successfully and go on to thrive. And that is what I want to help you with. So if you are out of a situation and trying to figure out how to navigate, stay tuned for more episodes. And remember, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to thrive, you deserve to be loved. You're awesome, you're a queen. See you in the next episode, smooches and deuces. Speaker 1: (07:25)Girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over @ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

Ep 6 | The Cycle of Abuse and How to Avoid Getting Into an Abusive Relationship Again | Narcissistic Abuse Healing

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
Are you just realizing that roller coaster of hell you went through may have been a true abusive cycle? In today's episode, find out the 4 stages of abuse and how to avoid getting sucked back in to a similar situation again. You deserve the world, beauty! Listen up and take notes!
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:
https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
 
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
 
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:23)So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship. Speaker 1: (02:16)It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay? Speaker 1: (03:02)That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. Speaker 1: (04:07)I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right? Speaker 1: (05:05)It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens? Speaker 1: (05:54)We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm. Speaker 1: (06:44)Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people? Speaker 1: (07:39)We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it. Speaker 1: (08:35)Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict? Speaker 1: (09:27)Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right? Speaker 1: (10:18)Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control. Speaker 1: (11:08)That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family. Speaker 1: (11:57)That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. Speaker 1: (12:42)You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships. Speaker 1: (13:34)And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
 

Ep 5 | How to Handle Narcissistic Abusers : The Grey Rock Method | Abuser Recovery for Professional Women

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
In a situation with a Narcissist and can't seem to navigate how to handle the situation? If you cannot go no contact with this abusive person, the next best thing is what is called, "The Grey Rock Method" and this episode is dedicated entirely to it. Because it is that good and effective! Make sure to save this episode, as you surely refer back to it.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
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---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. So you've tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today's episode, we're going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven't already, and for this episode, trust me, you're going to want to save it and go back to it again and again. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey friends, welcome to the But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christty, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say now, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at Bit.ly/firstcoachingcalll. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:50)So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it's your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can't let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It's just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person. Speaker 1: (02:45)Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let's say you're in conflict, it's normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you're having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we're all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up. Speaker 1: (03:42)The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn't come from defeat though, but power, and that's what I love about it. It doesn't come from this just, gosh, I'm so just, ugh, I just can't do this anymore. I'm wrecked, I'm tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It's intentional. You're not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won't give them the supply they seek, that's when it gets good. Speaker 1: (04:41)It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they're being ignored or they're not getting what they often seek, right? They're not getting that emotional response from you. They're not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that's the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this. Speaker 1: (05:40)Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they'll feel out of control because keep in mind they're always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They're gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you're too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they'll try whatever they need to. They're desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds. Speaker 1: (06:30)And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I'm assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it's hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you've been with them especially for years, or they're part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you've always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it's a toxic relationship, there's often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special. Speaker 1: (07:27)Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person's validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person's validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn't usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you've done it and you ha you're kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time. Speaker 1: (08:23)The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don't let them back in. They'll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they'll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That's not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you're co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant. Speaker 1: (09:19)Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that's okay. It's actually more than okay. It's a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that's their. If you don't know, I have a journal, it's on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it's great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That's just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you're interested in that, I'll put that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (10:02)In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won't be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that's kind of a pain. So I hope you're looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don't know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you're working. So there's no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff. Speaker 1: (10:53)Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don't know it, they, if it's their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you're not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method. Speaker 1: (11:46)First of all, I'm emotional, I'm an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I'm gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I've gotten more healed. Um, so it's hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I'm just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I'm not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don't stoop to their level. You're not like that. That's not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That's more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama. Speaker 1: (12:39)So basically we're gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it's not sad, it's not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I'm at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don't wanna engage in this. And it's kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it's worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that's okay. We're human and we're, we're on this journey. I'm here with you. Speaker 1: (13:27)Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I'm at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don't forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.

EP 4 | 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery for Women

*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Hey Queens!
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
---------
Are you technically 'out' of a toxic situation / relationship but not able to fully disconnect or keep getting dragged back in? In today's episode, we will talk about 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong.
---------
Grab the Not My Shit Journal mentioned here
Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:
https://bit.ly/ChristyJade
---------
GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:
https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL
 
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
 
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
 
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
My TikTok
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TRANSCRIPTION
Hello queens, are you technically out of a relationship with a toxic person that could be a spouse? It could be a romantic partner in general friendship. Maybe it's a family member, are you out of that relationship, but not feeling totally disconnected? Maybe they won't let you. Here are five ways abusers keep connected, and how to mitigate them, drawing you back in. All right. So you were an object to them, something that they initially desired. So now they believe you belong to them. Okay. It's you probably know a lot of abusers are possessive over their victims. And they don't want anyone else to have you. They don't want you to move on. So even if you're technically away, they'll still try to have you connected to them in some way, they need that for their own power. Right? It's not about you. I know. No one wants to hear that. But I'm not here to fluff it up, as you know, right. It's not about how special you are. It's about them having control, then validating themselves, then getting admiration and love or any type of googoo and gaga over them and reassurance it's all about them. So don't forget that as we head into going over all of the lovely ways they tried to keep you and what you can do to mitigate that hey friends welcome to the but still she thrives podcast I'm Christie date adoring wife, adoptive mama empowerment coach and Queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you're sick of feeling not good enough questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no. And the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You want to feel confident take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that Venti Mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I want to help you that is what I am here for it is my specialty. And I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. It's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there. And you can sign up over at bit.ly/first coachingcall. I would love to help you.Okay, so let's dive in number one hoovering. It is just what it sounds like it is vacuuming, you back up in these ways. So first love bombing, okay, so that's one of their go to things. It's, you know, it works on a lot of victims who are empathetic, who are loving and nurturing. Because when they feel love, they give love, right? If you're one of those people, you know, and they can suck you in, by showering you with love with presence with all the good feelings and suck you back in. Part of hoovering can also be this is a tougher one. But feigning crisis, basically, faking a crisis may be really causing a crisis. And that can go as deep and as dark as suicide attempts, or faking suicide attempts can be a tactic. Another is smear campaigns, smear campaigns is when you have gotten away from them. And they have no control over you anymore, you've really released. And so they are going to try to smear your name to other people, they will lie about you, they will expose things about you you didn't want exposed. And this is all in order to suck up all of your time, energy and attention. So the trick, which is a hard thing, and for me in the beginning was very hard for me, because I'm a good person. And let's say with the smear campaign, which actually happened that turned into me being like, like, oh goodness, I have to defend my name right? Like I have to defend my name this stuff isn't true. And that does take up time and energy. So I've gotten to a point in general where you have to let it go and trust that the people that love you and know you will not believe the smear campaign. So that's just in reference to that and the other things, obviously are a little harder with things such as the faking crisis and love bombing, but we'll get to mitigating at the end of this episode. Number two telling you you are soulmates meant to be together. They just make you feel so special and that's so sweet. No, it's bullshit is what it is okay. They will make broken promises, which you've probably already experienced, but somehow they brainwash you into forgetting those broken promises, and you somehow still have hope that they will keep their promises. They've come around, they'll change, right? But they will make you feel needed. And here's the kicker, guys, when you are someone like us who has probably become codependent on an abuser, you want to feel needed by them. And yes, that's not healthy, kind of twisted. But let's all be very, very transparent here. We're very transparent here on this podcast. Okay? So we want to feel needed to a lot of people want to feel needed, you know, to a point, we might have a little unhealthier version of that where with this specific person, especially, we want to feel needed, and we want to feel special, and they know how to turn it over. And yeah, they'll abuse you make you feel like crap, but they're gonna switch that over and make you feel real good and real special as well. Right. So that's part of the codependency, which we will tap into in another episode. So you're attracted to feeling important and needed. And in a healthy relationship. Let's make this very crystal clear. Okay, I'm in one now. So I know the difference. Okay. You will feel true love and nice treatment during the relationship consistently. Okay? Not when the narcissist or abuser needs their fill, not when they need the attention, not when they're just desperate to get you back under their control. Okay, a healthy relationship does not look like that a healthy relationship, whether it is a friendship, whether it is like I'm talking about with me and my husband, it feels loving, it feels uplifting, you might have your shit, nobody's perfect. But you are consistently reassured and feel good about your relationship and feel loved. And don't have to walk on eggshells. If you have not listened to episode two, you can refer back to that to see the different signs of a toxic person. If you haven't checked that out, go check it out after this one. Number three, they will tell you you can't do this on your own. You need me they kind of go back to that knowledge of knowing you want to feel needed and loved right. And they will get into that vulnerable spot and dance around in it. Oh, let me be here for you. Right, they're going to kind of twist it into this, maybe let me be helpful. You can lean on me, they may say, Oh, I'm just gonna be here for you as a friend I understand. Right. So they can drag you back in by playing with your heartstrings in that way, knowing that you are in a very vulnerable place. They know exactly what to say and do okay, these people, I don't know if I want to call them as smart. But they're calculated right? So they know exactly how to get you in, they know those soft spots you have they've already brainwashed you while you were in the relationship. And they are trying to regain that control again. Again, it's not about them truly wanting to be with you. It is always about their need for control. Can we take a minute right there because when you realize that it's tough, it's hard. No one wants to think that. But it does eventually make it easier to get out of their grip knowing that number four, they will blame you and try convincing you that you cause them caused them to act a certain way. Okay, I'm sure you're familiar with this, if you have been through abuse, I would say 99.9% have been blamed. Okay, we're gonna throw it in 100% and if you could just be less sensitive, right? Does this sound familiar? If you could just be more understanding or patient? If you just weren't so crazy, your relationship would be fine. You guys would be fine. This is you. Right? So they are going to point their finger at you and say look, if you can get your shit together I'll take you back we can make this work I want it to work I know we're meant to be can go back to that right by the way, a lot of these reasons are stacked together in their in their plan to get you back right. So this is a big part of it. The blaming, you know the they blame you during the relationship but they will still blame you after and spin it in a way to try to steal convince you that you're at fault. So if you can just fix you and work on you, they'll even take you back and that's sweet of them. So sweet. So sweet. Okay, number five. They will check if they can gain control by sending what we call breadcrumbs that they can customize to your liking. Okay, so you're probably familiar with this if you're on the other side. Then throwing some little breadcrumbs at you. These include funny inside joke, little memes GIFs. If you're are a funny person, they're gonna throw in the funny stuff you love donuts, maybe you'll see a nice fresh box of Krispy Kremes on your doorstep with a little heart on it. So sweet. Not so sweet and the donuts are sweet. I'll say that. But the intentions behind the donuts are not sweet again, they are selfish and controlling. Do you guys have a little love song? Don't be surprised if that shows up in your text message, a little link to your song with maybe a little sad face or a little heart, they are going to get in to your vulnerable spots your emotions because odds are your sweet person, you're an empath. You have a big heart and they know that. So now these things are appearing on your text tugging at your little empathetic heartstrings and it's all a not good motivation that is leading that it is not because they value you. It's because they are trying to control you. Okay, so what do we do with all this? There's no, actually I think there is one one answer. However, it's not always that cut and dry. As you know, when you're dealing with abusers, especially anyone who's violent, it goes deep. So please send in any questions. Again, fierce mama see@gmail.com If you have specific questions, because this is always going to be an over arching general, you know, tips and answers on how to deal with the abusive situations. But sometimes we can get into more specifics if you write to me yourself with a question. So there are ways to mitigate these things. I will always scream from the mountaintops, the number one way to avoid getting sucked in is to completely cut them off, you're out of the situation, cut them off. I know. Again, I will go back to if you are somebody who has children together your co parenting, not as easy okay? This though is the long run easiest way listen to episode two again for more information on that. So another very successful mitigation against all of these is what we call the gray rock method. I will go into this method in detail. I think I'll probably have its own little cute episode tied up with a little red bow because it's one of my favorite things that I learned through my own journey. What is it? What's a gray rock method? It is exactly what it sounds for. I love it Hoover and Greg rock, it's not rocket science.You sit there like a damn rock, you don't respond you do not take the bait. You don't soak it in, that's probably the hardest part to not let it in. But most importantly first step is ignoring don't let them get to you Don't take the bait This is a harder long term because they do not give up quickly. These are some very stubborn mofos out here and they can beat you down you can get beaten down manipulated mine screwed. And next thing you know you're just meeting them as friends for coffee. No, don't meet them for coffee. If you can't completely cut them off ignore whatever you can if you are in a legal situation co parenting you make it a written statement they are only to contact you regarding the children you know have a history you can get restraining orders with specifics I believe I will have experts on here to discuss this stuff further. But there needs to be boundaries in place. Okay. Again, my suggestion is run do not walk to the nearest emotional exit and regain your peace if you do not have that option. I mean legally or whatever if there is truly no other option than cutting off because that's my number one then the gray rock method is what you do you ignore anything that let's say again isn't relative to you know, swapping the kids on the weekend or whatever you have to do. If this is just somebody you're having a hard time disconnecting to really sit with this episode, maybe listen to it a couple of times and write out what is hard and what you can do during that time. Let's say you're having trouble because they are smear campaigning you how can you get support, right? Tell someone close to ignore their smear block them. If they have people on let's say your social media, and they're contacting you I know this stuff actually happens I have clients who are bombarded by family members who have been lied to block them you've got to not let all the crazy in you have to put a block on it and protect yourself you know your truth the people who are important in your life who love you and know you are going to believe you and I get that can be hard. But I will say from my own experience all the people even people who were lied to even just convinced that I was the one in the wrong I was breaking up the family which makes zero sense. Even those people came around essentially. So have faith and trust. That's another thing Being I know God person if you're a god person, pray and have faith and ask God for guidance. If not, if you're like you how the moon at night cool I love a good wolf Full Moon there was just one the other night. Beautiful you can you can talk to your moon, your Moon Shadow all your spirit guides and say I need some help. Or you can just talk to human, your bestie a therapist, a life coach like myself, find support. This is a very, very hard road but you're on it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're doing something about it. And that's the first step and I'm very proud of you. And don't forget that you deserve love. You deserve a happy life and not just skating by not just getting by not surviving but you deserve to thrive. I will leave you with that. I love you. I see you and don't forget your Smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling competent, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do. This is my specialty. It's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you want to grab a call with me I am offering $20 off of the first call. And there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over at bit.ly/first coachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been let's chat.
 

EP 3 | 5 Things I did to Start My Healing From Abuse Journey Narcissistic Abuse Recovery for Women

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Hey Queens!
In today's episode, we will talk about 5 things that helped me heal more quickly in my narcissistic abuse recovery. 
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TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. I'm so excited you are here. Today we're gonna talk about five things to do at the start of your healing from abuse journey. So whether you are in it and trying to claw your way out, or you are kind of on the other side and starting to heal, or you've been on the outside for a little bit, but still feeling like you just have a lot of work to do. These are some of the things, some tips that I myself did at the beginning of my journey and wanna share with you all. Speaker 1: (00:38)Hey friends, welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Speaker 1: (01:31)Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. So we're touching on some basic tips today. Sometimes when we're in abusive situations or even after leaving them, we don't really see just how abusive they were or are and just what a huge effect they can have on us. We're so used to having the finger pointed at us, can I get a amen? Can I get a what, what ? That? We sometimes do the same thing to ourselves so we can blame ourselves. Think we aren't worthy, feel hopeless in the end, right? But I have good news. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You are valuable, you're worthy, you're loved, and there is hope. So when I was still in my abusive situation, it, I just didn't realize it was actually even abuse. Speaker 1: (02:29)Like I wouldn't even say that word. I was kind of in denial about it. Uh, it was kind of all I knew and I thought it was just how life was. It actually took a friend of mine who saw it with her own eyes. It took her letting me know that this was like not normal at all. Her reaction finally shook me into being like, oh, this ain't right, . So it still took years for me to get brave enough to remove this person from my life and a while after that, just to see how deep the damage was. And during the abuse, I felt crazy, right? You're questioning yourself and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. And afterwards, I continued to question myself. That is something that I didn't expect. I kind of, once I got out of the situation, felt relief. Speaker 1: (03:22)But something I realized that could happen was questioning myself, getting guilt and harassed by the abuser, which I eventually totally cut off and then guilted by other people. Okay? And that was tough, and I hope you cannot relate to that, but I know many of you will be able to, and I'm going to do an entire episode on this because this was heart wrenching and like blew my world up when it happened because it felt just so isolating and just I finally felt relief and then immediately was getting guilt from family members, uh, multiple, multiple family members, aka a his enablers, um, told me I was ruining the family. I needed to fix things. And that basically I, I was the problem, right? I had to fix this problem and it was on me. Not that he was abusive, right? That was just him. That's still, that's just him, right? Speaker 1: (04:21)Very dismissive. So again, we're getting into the whole dismissive part we talked about in this last episode, and it can run in families. These traits can run in family members and you might see those patterns. So we won't get too far into that, but I wanted to mention that to you just because that is part of the healing journey you may have to deal with as well. I remember, I mean, ugly crying, like nobody needs to see that face, that mascara running, that just the ugly cry, ugly crying on the bathroom floor. One day after I told one family member that I was going to get a restraining order on the abuser and they said I could not do that to him. That's where we need a whole episode, because that is so backwards and messed up. And we are the ones, the victims who should be protected. Speaker 1: (05:13)And when the abuser is protected, it really is heart-wrenching. And unless you experience it, you don't know. But if you know, you know, and you're with me and you're feeling it, and it, it's not a good feeling, but we're gonna touch all that. So after that, I, I went straight to therapy. I was like laying on the couch, hand me the tissues because I've gotta be strong and I need support. So I got some help and started, you know, going in the right direction, being strong. And here's just some of the things that, the tools that I got from my therapist and just kind of doing my own research and my own coping mechanisms, if you will, . But there were five things, there were a lot of things, but the five things that I wanted to share today that I, I did in the beginning of my healing journey was first recognizing the bigness of it because it was way bigger than I realized. Speaker 1: (06:06)Not just the the actual abuse, but the actual healing and the damage that had been done. So you might need to take a minute to really recognize like this is a big deal and validate yourself. Get validation from someone you trust close to you. Like with my husband, I had to talk to him about it, um, and my best friend and I had a good support system. And I also, like I said, I got a therapist, um, because not even my husband or my best friend had been through what I had and my therapist did go through abuse herself. So I felt like she could really get it. And giving yourself grace, knowing this is huge and this, it might take me some time and, and I might take a step back or I might have really hard days, but you're going to keep moving forward. Speaker 1: (06:54)You just keep strong. Number two, journaling the out of my experience, basically, which was tough. This is not fun. This is not for the fan of heart, but actually pen to paper, I take it back, no pen to paper. I put it in my computer where I could lock it up and nobody could see it, where I just journaled my experience and what happened. And that was truly therapeutic for me. I did shed some tears. It was hard to write it out, to say it out loud to even though it was to myself saying things out loud that I never really reflected on, I didn't wanna think about. Um, and that's something you can do in therapy if you feel like you need more support. I did a lot of it on my own, but I also talked to my therapist about some of it. Speaker 1: (07:41)But with her, I focused on, I like to go forward and, and, you know, start from now. So I did a lot of the other work that digging work myself, but it's up to you how you handle and what you can deal with. Everybody's totally different. So journaling though is very therapeutic, so I highly suggest that. Number three, yoga. Funny story. I did hip hop dance my whole life. Yep. I'm gangsta. Me and Snoop doing it up. Um, I hated anything slow. I I quit ballet. It was too slow. I did yoga little I tried in my twenties and was just like, this is slow. I'm bored. But I knew that I had to kind of reset my nervous system. Your nervous system after abuse gets shook. I'm telling you, if you give yoga a chance, and part of it is I think we're just not used to that much calm and it's freaky give yoga a chance. Speaker 1: (08:42)They do have hot yoga and faster yoga. I was like, I'm going for the slowest yoga I can do. I did yin yoga, I still danced, so it's not like I gave that up. I did dance, but I also knew I need something really calming. Asa did meditation. So the yoga was called yin yoga. Now I loved it so much. I teach it and it is amazing. It takes some getting used to, to slow down that much if you're not used to it, but it truly calms your nervous system. So give it a chance. Let, don't just try it once or twice. Really try to do it for a month and you'll, you'll see the benefits and you'll wanna continue. And like I said, meditation as well. Something calming. Alright, surrounding yourself, sorry. Number four, surrounding yourself with healthy, positive people. Okay, this one's huge. Speaker 1: (09:37)A lot of us who have dramatic upbringings or just, you know, kind of chaotic environments or we used to fast paced this and that and, you know, some abusive chaos, whatever you wanna call it, also tend to attract people that are dramatic or are in similar situations. Um, we can attract each other. I found that I had chosen some friends that I had to walk on eggshells around or were controlling, right? So I had to really evaluate who I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with and adjust accordingly. Basically, I did remove a couple of friends from my life after realizing that I wasn't being treated as well as I would like. I'm not saying you gotta go hack off all your friendships. Um, I had specific situations where it became prominent that it just wasn't a good fit for friendship anymore and good luck. Speaker 1: (10:41)No bad feelings, but I just had to distance myself hopefully. And I also had some great friends that I had and I still have, and hopefully you have some great people to surround yourself with, but let's go through what healthy positive people look like. And this did leave more room in my life for those people. So people that are not gossipers, that are not always talking about other people, that's, that's healthy, right? Talking about growth and happy things. And I mean, it could be a surface level of just talking about, you know, fun things like what movies you're watching are going shopping together. And then there are the people that you can lean on each other, but it's not always so heavy or gossipy, right? So it needs to be a good balanced person that you have in your life. Multiple people and people that really lift you up, right? Speaker 1: (11:35)The cheerleader types. I have a couple people in my life that I mean are, are really like cheerleaders for me. And it felt really weird at first because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being criticized a lot and it was so refreshing but also felt almost uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. Definitely surround yourself with uplifting cheerleader type people that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Cuz it, we deserve it. this last one. Super simple, but that's okay. Like we need simple guys. We need simple. After all the we've been through, we deserve simple, positive affirmations. You've probably heard it, maybe it sounds hokey. I don't care. It's simple and it actually works. This is something I did right away on my journey. I actually recorded my own voice saying, I mean I probably had 25 positive affirmations going on in the beginning of all this. Speaker 1: (12:39)Um, and if you need help setting up some affirmations or you want some of mine, I have some I can send to you. So write me at fierce mama. See gmail.com. Fierce mama see gmail.com. This is all in the show notes, always, um, all my information. So positive affirmations, it really does help you rewire your brain. Yes, you, you know, doing the other work and the therapy and all the things helps, but I found they really, really did help me every morning and every night I would play on, it was just on my iPhone, on my memo notes there, whatever you call 'em, the little voice recording. And I would listen to it right when I woke up and then right before I went to sleep every night, sometimes I'd fall asleep. I'd put it like on a loop and it really did have an impact because the first thing you do when you wake up, you can start going into negative thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (13:34)So replacing that with positive thoughts. And then same thing, your mind could be spinning at night, right? You have all these swirling to-do lists on top of this negative self-talk you may have from the abuse. And replacing that, being forced to listen to positive affirmations really help me and I know it'll help you too. Another thing, if you're a God person, which I am, praise him, go jc. prayer really helped, it's helped me on this journey. It's helped me in everything in my life. I always say like the, the closer I am to God, I've had phases or I've always been close and pray. And, but when I'm like really talking to God here and there throughout the day, having my little side note prayers and morning and night maybe, um, doing devotionals. When I'm in those like really heavy God seasons of my life, which should be always, I get it, but you know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (14:32)That is when I feel the best and I thrive even more in my life. So big props to the big g o d. If you're a God person, if you're a universe person, whatever, I don't, I don't care what it is. Your higher power that you believe in, lean on, lean on that it is there for that reason. And I, I couldn't have gotten through that journey without not just God, but also having faith. Just having faith that yes, I've been through this, but I'm strong enough to get through this and I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk this path and believe that this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not. And I'm gonna be in a better place soon. So those are my little tips for you that I, as you know, some of the things like I said that I did to help myself and got me through. Speaker 1: (15:31)And if you have questions or comments, like I said, you can email me fiercemamac@gmail.com And I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and dueces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.
 
 

EP 2 | 5 Signs of Toxic People and How to Get Rid of Them Helping Women Heal From Narcissistic Abuse Such as Gaslighting and Controlling Relationships

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Hey Queens!
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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In today's episode, we will talk about the tell-tale signs of a toxic person and how to end toxic relationships. Spoiler alert: you don't owe abusers ANYTHING! 
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TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hey Queens. I am so excited you're here today. I'm gonna talk about the top five signs of a toxic person and how to get rid of them. Cuz guess what? We don't like 'em. We don't want toxic people around. Newsflash. That's why we're here, right? Okay. Toxic people are most likely abusive, okay? That is a majority of them are abusive and emotional abuse is often dismissed because there isn't that physical proof like there is with physical abuse. However, it can be just as damaging as physical abuse. And many of you know this, some of you are just figuring this out, and we're gonna dive in to those signs of toxic people and how to get rid of them. Speaker 1: (00:44)Welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. If you need help healing from an abusive situation or even leaving an abusive situation, you can grab a call with me. It's $20 off your first empowerment coaching call with me over at Bitly, that's bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help. Speaker 1: (01:42)Okay, so let's dive in. The five signs of emotional abuse from these toxic people. First of all, they criticize and judge you. They can even pass it off as joking or turn it around and tell you, you are just sensitive, right? I'm here to tell you it is not normal behavior to be constantly criticized and judged by anyone. These people do it as a power play. And if you feel like you have to even ask, are these people always critical of me? The answer's probably yes, and that is a very good sign, right? So you're not too sensitive, you're not crazy, you're a human being with normal emotions and they're messing with you. So we're gonna, we're gonna say a big note of that one, okay? The next sign, they do not respect your boundaries. And you might notice they don't respect other people's boundaries as well, or privacy. Speaker 1: (02:39)So these people are very entitled and really don't give a rat's about what you want. Plain and simple. Often abusers are very controlling. They care about themselves and their needs over everyone else. They often really target people pleasers, people who are very over accommodating so that it is easier to control you so they can cross your boundaries without losing you. Okay? So if you feel like you tell them your feelings or you ask them not to do something and they keep on doing it, or they invade your privacy, that is definitely a red flag. Next, they are controlling and possessive, okay? Everything has to be their way. You literally fear speaking up to them or doing things your way because of the wrath that will come. I know when I went through my abusive situation, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Speaker 1: (03:42)I was scared to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing at all times because I had that constant fear of if I did that, what is to come? Usually emotional abuse for me, there was physical abuse as well, right? So if you are feeling like you are afraid to speak up because of what their reaction will be, that's another telltale sign that you are being emotionally abused. Another sign is they are manipulative and gaslight you. If you don't know what gaslighting is, and an upcoming episode, I am going to be covering all the narcissistic tendencies and gaslighting all of this verbiage for you guys. Um, but plain and simple gaslighting in a nutshell is kind of making you feel crazy and like you're the crazy one. You're at fault making you believe things that aren't true. Switching things around, there's, it's, it's kind of a layered, a layered behavior that they do. Speaker 1: (04:42)But in the end, they manipulate and turn things to look not as they are. And in turn, you feel like you are going crazy, but you're not the crazy one, okay? They know how to get you, these people know you. They know how to push your buttons. They know how to get in, you know, play with your heartstrings and get in there. They know how to persuade you and make you think you're nuts. Again, you're not right. So that is a definite sign. If you feel like you're questioning yourself because you could have sworn X, y, Z happened and they say it went this way and they're believable. That's where it can get tricky because you question yourself. So a lot of these traits will add up together and you'll realize you have been the victim of emotional abuse. And so the last one we're gonna talk about today, these are not all of them, but just five big ones, is that they dismiss your feeling. Speaker 1: (05:38)This is one of my own triggers from my years of being abused, is if I feel dismissed Now, even though I'm on kind of this other side and healed a lot, there's still a little trigger in me that feels like, oh, I just, I feel dismissed and like I don't matter. And it kind of pokes at that wound, okay? At the end of the day, again, they care about one person themselves, not you, not your feelings, not your desires. They will dismiss you and your feelings and they don't feel bad about it. This can get tricky and we'll do another episode about it, but where especially narcissists and just controlling abusers will be able to fake apologies if they are desperate. Usually they won't own up or be self-aware, but if they're in a desperate situation where they need to fill their own need to either keep you in a relationship or have you not, you know, tell anyone and not they don't wanna look in a bad light, they care what other people think of them, then they may do an apology and pretend to care about your feelings. Speaker 1: (06:42)But overall, you get the feeling they don't really care about your feelings unless it is of a benefit to them. Okay, so you've evaluated, maybe you've checked all those lovely boxes, , and you're like, yeah, this is where I'm at, or this is where I was and now I'm recovering and we'll get into that in, in this podcast as a whole. But this is, you know, for everyone to just kind of validate because we often aren't validated. So these signs are for our own validation or to evaluate if you're currently in a situation. So if you have not gotten out of your situation and you're in it, we're gonna talk about how to, you know, get rid of the toxic person. If you're on the other side, sometimes we're still somewhat connected to the person or they're, they still have somewhat of a hold on us. Speaker 1: (07:32)I know it can be very complicated. So let's just dive into the general ways to get rid of this, these toxic people. And if you have any further questions or you want me to cover something specific, you can always email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com . Okay? Keep in mind this will depend on who the person is, your situation, are you living with them? Is it a spouse, is it a family member? Maybe there's younger viewers that are living with someone. So it can get complicated. That's why, again, I'd love you to send me emails with specific questions I can touch on. And uh, we can go from there. So this is kind of a generalized view and tip, okay? So if it's someone you live with and is urgent or risky, abusive situation, okay? Where you have fear for yourself, for your livelihood, I do encourage you to call the domestic abuse hotline at 1 800 7 9 9 7 2 3 3. Speaker 1: (08:30)Okay? I wanna first put that out there because you're in a situation like that, it's more urgent and you may need some deeper support and you can get free support. So I wanna offer that there, okay? If you are in a less risky, risky situation, this could be, you know, it may be someone you live with, but they're not violent. Um, you know, and you're not fearing for your life or anything like that. Or it could be a friendship, it could be, you know, your aunt, it could be one of your parents, one of your siblings. These are some general tips and they're kind of simple, but sometimes it doesn't feel so simple when you're in it. So I understand that. All right, so number one, evaluate if you need to have a conversation or can just bolt baby bolt , because some people we know will not respond well. Speaker 1: (09:17)They just, especially if it's an abusive person, let's be honest, they don't normally hear your side. They make excuses, you know, they're either going to deflect, turn it around, they're going to be abusive, yell, get themselves out of the situation, ignore you, dismiss your feelings. All the things we kind of talked about, why are you're here in the first place, right? And in those situations it's, it's best to just go quietly and quickly. You don't have to have a conversation. And this leads me to a very important sentence. Write it in like bright pink, sparkly marker across your forehead on a mirror somewhere. Okay? I need you to hear this. You do not owe abusers anything. I don't care who they are, I don't care who they are. Someone who is abusive to you, you do not owe them anything. Even a conversation. They have hurt you most likely, intentionally, most likely over and over. Speaker 1: (10:17)You don't owe them anything. So they often come after people pleasers or get away with abuse because they are with someone who is more passive and they know this and people pleasers accept, right? We've kind of accepted things as we go. There's through this abuse and we often are tricked to feeling like we do owe them something somehow, or we're, we are in fear, but we don't owe them anything. Okay? So shake that people pleaser, guilt, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture, whatever you gotta do and run fast. Now on the other side of things, if it is, let's say a friend that maybe, you know, they just don't treat you totally right? You feel like maybe they're toxic, maybe a couple of those things are checked on the list, the signs, then you can evaluate whether you wanna have a conversation. I would, if it's a toxic person, I wouldn't, I wouldn't get together in person, honestly. Speaker 1: (11:12)I would keep it to a phone conversation where you have a little more control, it's easier to just hang up. If you have to hang up. You can, you can script it out if you need to. You can just have one sentence. You wanna say like, look, I care about you and everything, but this friendship just isn't working out for me. Sometimes you have to be blunt. Maybe if it's too hard for you to be blunt, I've always been able to be a little more blunt than others. So these conversations tend to be a little easier for me. I am going to have a special guest that is going to help us have these conversations in a much more, um, soft and nice manner, but still to the point and in a, a safe way that you can get out of the situation and out of the conversation. Speaker 1: (11:57)Um, so I will have her on because my specialty is not sugarcoating . So that being said, you don't have to have the conversation at all. If you're not comfortable and someone's been abusive to you, you do not owe them anything. Okay? And some may disagree with that, but that's probably because they're on the end of the spectrum of being a people pleaser and probably been kind of wired that way by someone in their life where they feel like they have to be at someone's beck and call. They have to explain everything and overexplain everything. And that's just not the situation. And if you need support, again, I am here for that. So let's go to the next one. This is really hard for some people. Block them on social media, on the phone, the text, the phone, whatever communication you have, block it. This can be hard even if they are toxic af, right? Speaker 1: (12:53)If this person is emotionally abusive, again, they know how to work you and them having access to contacting you, they'll find a reason to pry that can open with a little can opener. That's how I always picture it. Like it just got this little space and they pry and you think, oh, it's just a little contact. Cuz they had to ask if they could get their jacket back, okay? Mm-hmm. , because they will stick that can open in and pop it right open and dive in. And we're trying to get their little paws off you, okay? Far, far away. So you have to block access to you. Th don't think this is a mean thing to them, right? Because that's where our brains can go. No, this is about protecting yourself. You say you want peace in your life and you don't block them. That doesn't align, right? Speaker 1: (13:39)Think about that. If you want peace in your life and you're allowing an abusive person to have contact with you, that does not make sense. It doesn't. They, those two can't live together in the same space. If you are someone who has to have contact because you have children together, you co-parent something of that sort, yes. Obviously that's a different situation and that's something more customized where I can talk to you about that. Either if you write me an email or, or we do coaching together. So there are different, obviously extenuating circumstances, but in general, blocking is the best way to keep protection around you and keep the peace. Now the other thing is seeking help. There is no shame in the healing from abuse game. Okay? It is, it's one of the things we can go through. It's awful, right? So you deserve support. Speaker 1: (14:29)I recommend a therapist or a coach like myself of course, and one of which who has had experience with abuse themselves. I don't know if all will be open to discuss that, but you are welcome to ask therapists, ask life coach. I'm an open book, obviously, you know, I've been through it because I've found even with my own therapy, my own life coaches in my life, that nobody really gets it unless they've been through it. That has been my experience. So it's my preference to work with somebody who has absolutely gone through similar abuse so they can understand the ins and outs of it. All right? And finally, stay strong, right? Hold onto your boundaries, stay strong. You got this. Build the support system around you. If you need it to stay strong and give yourself grace, you will have hiccups. You might have step backwards, steps backwards, some kind of backwards, okay? , Speaker 1: (15:26)Give yourself grace because it's tough, but you're tougher. So stay strong, give yourself grace and you got this. Remember, you deserve a happy life. You deserve to thrive. Not just get by, but actually thrive and be happy and full of joy. And if you're not there, we will get you there together. And on the next episode, I'm going to talk about some things that I did in the beginning of my healing journey. Once I was out of the situation, some things that helped me kind of get over that hump and into a new beautiful life. So tune in next week, Speaker 1: (16:07)Girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and they're only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.