NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

The 8 Ways to Navigate Narcissistic Parents as an Adult

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EPISODES MENTIONED:
EPISODE ON GREY ROCK METHOD 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
EPISODES ON SETTING BOUNDARIES:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-boundaries-as-a-people-pleaser/id1662241353?i=1000679893439
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-without-guilt/id1662241353?i=1000697670273
BENEFITS OF GOING NO CONTACT:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000611416531
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh, I am so excited for this episode. It is highly requested and it's so deep and there's a lot to it. So it took me a while to really get my stuff together. I wanted to make sure that I covered everything and I think I got it. So grab your favorite drink and sit on back. It's going to be some good stuff in here. So take notes too. Get a pen, get a journal, make it fun. Do a little doodle. Who else doodles. Do you still doodle? I'm 45. I still doodle everywhere. Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted?
(00:54)And mind ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
(01:31)Alright, so we're going to talk about eight different ways. Eight. I wanted to keep it to five, but I couldn't how to deal with a narcissistic parent. So the first thing is understanding narcissistic behavior. So if you're here, you're already probably trying to do that, and we have episodes. I will link them in the description of the podcast on certain toxic traits to look at different behaviors they have. So you're looking for lack of empathy, manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting. Do you ever have that where they, as soon as you go to them with something, they will shift it back to you. And in general, emotional abuse and even being super dismissive is maybe some, don't call it abuse, but it is a behavior that is narcissistic and is never fun. It's not healthy when people dismiss you and demean you. Also, knowing this is still part of the narcissistic behavior, but knowing they are unlikely to change their behavior.
(02:36)This is something some of you know, right? And you're here and you're kind of like, I know they're not going to change. What can I do? Others of you have hope and I get it. I had hope for someone for a very long time that I could help them change. I could help them see that if they would just listen long enough, they could understand, but they don't seem to want to understand. But I know that deep down, maybe they do right? All of those things that we tell ourselves and we think this way because guess what? Most people we know would be rational people that would be able to change. If you go to them with something, Hey, this is bothering me. Is there a way we can compromise on this so you can change this behavior? A lot of people would love to grow.
(03:21)Narcissists do not really want to grow. They don't think anything's wrong with them, and we know deep, deep down they do. But we're talking about day-to-day behaviors. They're not going to accept blame. They're not going to have accountability. If they do, it's from a very desperate place of if you're literally like, I'm going to leave you and divorce you, they may put on a facade of normal behavior as such as, okay, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again. But then the broken promise cycle should show you that they're not going to keep their promises. So focusing on your responses and not fixing them, right? They're not likely to change. So what can you do? And then that'll bring us to step two, which is, well, not step two, but tip two, I guess setting boundaries. One of my favorite words in the world, and some people hate this word, it feels maybe rigid.
(04:15)It feels if you're a people pleaser, you really might not like this, right? You're like, oh, I got to set boundaries. I got to stand up and do something. No, you're maybe more passive. I have a strong personality, so I'm a boundary setter. It's a little easier for me than some, but listen to what I have to say. Before you feel like putting on the brakes, you don't want to have to handle setting boundaries. There's a way to do it out of love. And remember that you're protecting yourself, not like trying to stop someone else. That's how I view it. I got to protect my peace. We know all about the peace bubble here at, but still she thrives. Okay, so first you're going to identify what behaviors are unacceptable to me. We just went over some of the gaslighting, all that guilt tripping, Ooh, heck no.
(05:02)What about those feelings that maybe you don't even know how to pinpoint, but you know, feel like you're walking on eggshells and we're like, that's a no. That doesn't feel good. Any controlling behavior. This next one, I swear almost every one of my clients, probably all, but I never like to say a hundred percent invalidating your Emos. Can you raise your hand if you're sure. Remember that commercial? No. Raise your hand if the narcissist in your life who in this case is apparent, invalidates your emotions. Or like I said, dismisses them does not give you that cuddly feeling of support whenever you have emotions. They may even say, you're oversensitive, you're crazy, you're dramatic, you're just blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? Okay, so first it's identifying what you're not okay with. Then it's communicating your limits. This is where it gets tricky, but this is what you have to do if you are in touch with your parents, and we'll get to that too later.
(06:10)But if you are in touch with them and you feel like you cannot not be in touch with them, which I understand it is very difficult with parents, that is an option to disconnect, but we'll talk about that later. I don't want to discuss this topic is something I in my own life have had to say to a narcissist, right? I will not discuss this topic or I'm not going to however you want to phrase it. I'm not going to discuss this topic another way. If I had someone that would yell at me often, not necessarily a narcissist, but same thing, responding with something like I need space. When you raise your voice. For me, that's a little gentler, but I'm trying to give some gentle responses for those of us who are not where I am at and I am a little more harsh I guess you could call it, but for me more just like it's a truth of mine.
(07:10)I am X years old. Listen now it's 45. I will not accept you raising your voice to me. And I actually give a consequence. I say, if that happens again, I'm going to hang up the phone or I'm going to exit the room. I'm going to whatever it is, right? I'm going to leave your house. But I let them know that's not something I'm going to tolerate and the hardest part maybe for many of us is sticking to the boundaries without over explaining or defending them. I won't discuss this topic. The more you discuss why you won't discuss this topic. Let's say you say, I don't want to discuss this topic because I feel this way, and that gives them so much more space to overtalk you, turn things around, convince you that you're wrong, right? Stand in your truth. You've already made the decision, so stick to it.
(08:14)I'm not going to discuss this topic. You don't have to overexplain everything. You don't have to defend yourself. This is your truth. It's what you have decided is best for you in your life, and only you can do that. Only you know yourself the best. So yes, they will easily try to shift things. If you give them the room, don't give them the room. Write that in big letters. Don't give them room. This should be short and simple limits, and if you don't want to call 'em boundaries, you can call 'em limits. Make yourself feel a little fluffier, a little better, right? Whatever. It's your preferences, but it's a non-negotiable. It should be a non-negotiable because your peace at this point, honey, if you've been through it and you have a narcissistic parent and you're listening to this and you're either 25, 35, 45, that's decades of dealing with a bunch of Bs you shouldn't have had to deal with.
(09:08)It is time for you to say no more, and I am okay with protecting my peace at this point. That's why you are here. You have to act on this. You've got to act on it and live it. Okay? Number three, detaching emotionally. Oh, this is one of the things that can be hard, but once you do it and you feel it for the first time that you're actually able to detach like this, it is the most freeing, just peaceful, calm, almost uncomfortable feeling. You may have never felt it before. If you have had parents that are narcissists or someone in your life for so long, you're like, I don't even know. I could feel like this. First, you want to reduce your emotional dependence on their validation. We talked about they don't validate what I feel you don't need them to. That's what we have to get to.
(10:09)And that's not overnight, but we can chalk this down. That's not a saying. I'm making it one. Now we're going to chalk this down where request in the Facebook group, if you're not in it, please join that it's in my description box, but go in there request. Say, Hey, I'd love to hear more details on detaching emotionally or the validation, whatever. So I'm just trying to touch on these so you get a bigger picture and then we can zoom in later. But the dependence on their validation is what keeps you on the string of a narcissist in that web. You want their validation. You've got to let go of that desire and you can do cord cutting meditations even.
(10:56)And some people are against those. Look, I was raised Catholic, I'm Christian. I have certain different beliefs of different things, but I'm very much a God person, a Christian person, and I sometimes use those tools like meditations to help me, but it's always in prayer. It's always with God and I say, God, please guide me on this journey. And it's just sometimes good to have a voice guiding me through something like saying, please, and you can just say a prayer if you want, right? God, please help me emotionally detach from needing their validation, right? The next thing is the gray rock method, and I will put that special episode that many love. It's one of my most listen to episodes of the Gray Rock Method. So this is pretty much keeping interactions dull and non-reactive to avoid being a target. Like I said, the more you give them, the more space and words you give to them, they are going to chomp it up.
(12:04)They're going to get in there, they're going to twist shit. They're going to confuse you. They make you wonder about yourself, going to make you go to loco in the cocoa. We don't want that. So simple and very short, very basic non-emotional practices. The gray rock method, it's a real method out there and I have a whole podcast episode on it. If you have not listened to that or you need a refresh because we all do, go listen to that. I'll put it in the description box and accepting that they may not acknowledge your feelings or experiences. I say may not, but now I'm out of 10 narcissists. Do not acknowledge your feeling or experiences. If they do, they're probably just doing it for their own benefit. So 10 out of 10 narcissists. Do not acknowledge your feelings or experiences. They're not here for that.
(12:59)They're here for them. I call 'em their own up their butt, right? They're just up their own butt. They don't, don't care about your feelings or experiences. They're out for themselves. They want the power. So if they take a millisecond to actually feel or care for you, there goes their power. They think, right? That's not true, that's not rational, but they're not true rational people. Alright, moving on to the fourth, managing guilt and emotional triggers. So expect the guilt tripping, right? The expectations just know what you're getting. This is text to book. What they're going to do, they're going to guilt trip. They are going to emotionally bat you around and manipulate you, right? Expect it and know what to do with it. You say their emotions, their behaviors are not mine and they're not yours to carry. Their emotions aren't yours. Don't take the bait.
(13:54)They get all riled up and angry. That doesn't mean you have to get riled up and angry. What do you do? Come on class. What do you do? We learned this already. We say I'm not going to accept this and I'm going to what? Walk away. You have that right baby, okay? Even if it's your parent blood or not, I don't give a, yeah, you have that permission from me and then we want to reframe the guilt. So choosing your wellbeing. It's not selfish, it's self preserving. It's necessary. I'm going to say it again. Choosing your wellbeing. They have made you think it's selfish. They twist everything around to tell you, you are selfish. You are selfish. That is the most frequent thing I heard from my narcissist. You are selfish. You are selfish. It is deflecting. It is them turning what they are onto you.
(14:57)It is them trying to make you believe something so that they have the upper hand and it's bullshit and it's necessary to choose your wellbeing, especially when it comes to a narcissist. They will drag you through coals and not care. Okay, five. Here we go. We talked about that. Limiting contact or no contact, so if it's necessary, go very low contact. I feel it's necessary in most cases. Okay, I'm going to give you the options, but I hope you lean toward the more conservative approach of very limited contact if you have a narcissist in your life. Co-parenting is a different story. I know some parenting situations are tricky, but this is minimal controlled interactions. Maybe having a buffer of another person around or my personal favorite is no contact if the relationship is too toxic. If you're here, it probably is no contact and I have an episode about that.
(16:05)I'm going to have to try to remember, I'm going to have to listen to this again and put all these episodes in the description box. It's so important and you need to, when you enter limited or no contact for the limited, decide on clear rules for your communication. You get to decide that I just worked on this with a client the other day. We're going to emails only. That's it. That is it. You get to make the rules. Obviously if there's a lawyer involved, this was a co-parenting situation and it was okay. It was agreed upon. Email was okay, they're not going to want it to be okay. They're going to want to have the upper hand and they decide, but you get to decide email only. I prefer that over text, especially over phone. Everything is in writing. You can do it through an app.
(16:53)There are apps out there, especially if you're in co-parenting situations. Ask your lawyers to put an addendum on to only speak through certain apps, and that's a great way to have. It's like through a third party. Everything is there. If it goes something legal, all the evidence is there. Get everything in writing and keep it short and sweet. I have literally written a bunch of emails for my clients to their exes just because they felt like they would get emotional. So I'm like, all right, what points do we need? Let's keep it clear, short, concise, and it's worked really beautifully so that definitely get clear on the rules and they can't have unannounced visits, any of that BS no more. And I know I'm talking about exes too. That's because I know a lot of situations, if you have had narcissistic parents, you may have narcissistic exes too.
(17:51)That is something that you can give yourself permission to do. I'm only going to communicate with them through this or keep it to a limited time instead of answering all their calls. Say, I can talk to you Sundays at this time. It depends on your situation. That's why all of these situations, look, they're very different. Everyone's going to have a different story, but you can get a general idea of this and if you want to work with me one-on-one, we go into obviously customize plans for everybody. We got blueprints over here, so if you are going low contact, have those rules in place and prepare for backlash. Guess who doesn't like losing control? My queen narcissist. They hate it. It's their least favorite thing. You have to stay firm.
(18:44)It's not for the fan of heart, but you are a strong queen. I see you. You're on here for a reason. Just know I'm telling you, no one really told me when I went through all of my stuff earlier in life, a lot of stuff, I've had different layers of it, but one of the biggest ones, no one really told me about the backlash, how severe it would be, and just I wasn't really prepared. I wish I would've been more prepared. So I'm glad you're here. Prepare. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you have support. You can be in my Facebook group, get support there from other people in your situation. Get support from me and stay firm in your boundaries. So let's go on to number six, strengthening your support system. Speak in a witch. Do an evaluation of your friends.
(19:33)You're going to need healthy friends around here. If you're trying to take out the narcissist trash, you're going to need healthy friends supporting you, people who uplift you, people who don't make you question yourself, not people who are mutual friends with these people and are questioning you or family members that might see both sides because they're a flying monkey for the narcissist. None of that. Focus on the support of those. Have your back and that can be friends, that can be family, it can be a therapist, it can be yours, truly over here, Krista, Jade. Hey girl. If you need one-on-one support from someone who really knows what you're going through, I'm all for therapy. I love therapists. You have to have the right one that really knows what they're talking about. So you might have to date around therapy or a support group. There are actual support groups, and then there's my Facebook group.
(20:34)Like I said, connect with people who uplift rather than drain you. You don't have time to drain and disturb your peace anymore. We're done, right? Can I get an amen? What? Are you still with me? I'm waking you up. Number seven, prioritizing your healing. Okay? This is the better stuff, right? We have to deal with all that crap and how to navigate this is self-care, okay? Meditation. Guys, if you have not done my four minute meditation, it's a great place to start. You do it every morning, you can do it midday. If you have a few minutes and you do, everyone has a few minutes, go out to your dang car, right? Instead of a water break, smoke break, pee break, hold your pee and meditate. Just kidding, we can all find four minutes, but especially in the morning, you can wake up four minutes earlier.
(21:25)I'm telling you, just this tiny meditation will give you a peek into meditation and what it can do for you. I love guided meditations. You can find 'em all over YouTube. I have my own on the insight timer app. I should put that in my description box. I don't think of all the things, but I have multiple ones. I have one's for anxiety, one's for abundance, all sorts of healing, meditations, journaling. If you love to write, write in a journal I write every morning, I pray and then I journal about it, right? Therapy is a form of self-care. Going to some sort of narcissistic help with coach, like a coach like me or somebody else is going to be self-help. Is that a word? Or spiritual practices? Whatever makes you feel good and comfortable, do more of it. Then you want to work on that inner child healing.
(22:25)I do this with my coaching, but I also do this with somatic healing. If you don't know, I'm a somatic heal healer, which facilitator, whatever you want to call it, and we heal from the inside out from the body. Somatic means body. Your body remembers everything. So you can do all the mindset stuff in the world. Your body's still going to remember. That's why we go back. We feel like real pumped up for a while, and then we can side back somatic healing, which I love to do both. I love to mix both. So we get both of it. The mindset and the body. You are going to have very lasting results. So inner child healing in whatever modality, right? So you're reparenting yourself with kindness and affirmation, which wouldn't that be nice if we had that. Maybe you did with one parent, but also shifting your mindset from victimhood to empowerment, and I know I might get an ass whooping on this one because I am validating that you were a victim.
(23:26)I was a victim. I get it. I went through it. But we shall not use that as our identity. I would prefer you think of yourself as a survivor as empowered and using what happened now to catapult you into the greatest life you can have. Your parent, whoever, whatever narcissist in your life does not define you, okay? Let them have the bullshit. Let them hold that, right? They have the poison. We're going to step, yes, we got sprayed with poison. What are we going to do about it? We're going to spit it back in their damn faces and run. Alright. Number eight, staying grounded in your faith and truth. I am a God person. I don't care what you are. I hope you're God person. I love God. He's a good dude. Sky daddy. He's upstairs. If you want to ever talk to him, you just say, Hey, what's up?
(24:28)God, no. If you're spiritual, pray, meditate to stay centered in your truth, not theirs. Again, you're not the one with all the poison that's theirs. Sit in it. Say, I don't have room for you. I don't have time for you. I want nothing to do with this poison and ask God for guidance. Every day I ask God, shine the light of my path, my obedience. Sometimes I say it for obedience to you or the healthy path for me, whatever I'm needing in that moment. Remember God, your higher power, whatever does not call you to suffer but to thrive. He wants you to thrive. We're not here to suffer. I know we may suffer. I get it. I know there's suffering and there's darkness in the world, but sky daddy, I think of him as the best dad out there who wants me to just do all the good things, help all the people be good to myself, help my family break the cycles of abuse, whatever He wants it all for me and for you.
(25:41)So what does your God, your higher power want for you? Think about that. Write it down, and then trust yourself, which is hard for people who've gone through abuse. This can be tricky, but try to trust yourself. Your feelings, your needs, your worth are valid. It's all valid, even though it might not feel like it because you had somebody in your life invalidating you over and over and over. We're going to rewrite that. So these are the things. This is like, there's a lot of housing in here, which I will tell you. They say, Christie, don't give away all the how's. That's the whole thing you want to wait for. So you can do that in coaching. Well, I like to give shit away free because I care more about helping you than the dollars in my pocket. Honestly, I want to help as many people as I can, and if you want further, deeper help that I cannot, I'm trying to spit out as much as I can for you here, but whatever I can't get out in this podcast you want to delve deeper into, let me know.
(26:51)I will put a link. There's always going to be a link there of how to work with me, whether it's a somatic healing or coaching or both. I will put the link in the top part so you know where to click, and if you want to just email me and chat and just see what kind of help you think you may need, you're kind of lost out there. Email me. My email is always on there too Fierce Mama C, that's me at Gmail. I hope you guys like this episode. I loved it. I think it's really important. I'm like, I love my episode. See what happens when you heal, you get confidence. Yeah, girl, no, I feel good about this because it's been asked for and I wanted to really make sure I covered a lot. If you have more questions, again, that Facebook group is where you want to ask anything, just post on there. Ask, request me to do, delve deeper into maybe self-care. Whatever you want to hear more about, let me know. I love that. And you can also put up your own, what wins have you had this week?
(28:00)What have you done in your healing journey? Which one of these eight things are you doing? Maybe you're doing some of them already dealing with your narcissistic parent. That space is a safe space to share and have support from people that are going through the same thing we are. We love that, don't we? I love it. Alright, so that is it for this episode. Of course, I would love to help as many people as possible. I know not everyone can do one-on-one sessions, but that is where you're going to get the customized stuff right? We're going to really get some deep, long lasting healing, and I shift people pretty damn quickly. It's my specialty. I love that about me, but it is, I'm quick myself. One of my best friends calls me Bunny, and because I like to go through things quickly, I'm not going to be sitting.
(29:00)I don't want to lay on that couch and cry about shit any more than I have to. I'm going to do it. I think emotions are important. You address them, you honor them, and then you say, this life is short. Let's fucking party. No, that's not what you say. Well, maybe I do. No, I want to thrive. What's my purpose? I want to feel happy again. I want to find the old me that was in there, or I want to find myself for the first time. I want to feel confident. I want to have joy. I want to break the cycle where I know that I'm not going to tolerate anyone else treating me poorly ever again. And I want my kids to see that there's all these things, right? So honor yourself, put your crown on. Let's do some affirmations to end this, okay? All right, we'll do it specific to this topic first. The first one, I am free of getting validation from my parent.
 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt

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Speaker 1: (00:03)Um, hello ladies. Hello my queens. I have something epic lined up for you. I'm so excited. First, I guess I'll say, you know, welcome to, but still she thrives. There's the official, hello. But I am so excited. I am relaunching my boundaries course with a special bonus for a limited time for a limited amount of people. I don't know when that time is gonna be up. I'm gonna see how many I sell and go from there because I need to have enough space to give this bonus offer this time, which is going to be an hour free one-on-one coaching with me. So you will get that on top of your Epic Boundaries course, which is prerecorded go at your own pace. So it's not like you're rushing around. If you've got a very busy life, it's easy to include in your weekly routine, or if you wanna do bi-weekly, it is dripped out weekly. Speaker 1: (00:57)So one video will come out to your email, directly to your email every week on boundaries. So if you feel like you are somebody who feels stressed out, overwhelmed, not at peace, feeling like relationships are stressing you out, feeling like maybe work is stressing you out, maybe the home life with the kids is stressing you out, odds are you have a issue with setting boundaries or keeping them or even knowing what or how to set boundaries. So my course is all about that, but we're going to touch on a few of those things today. And then, um, the offer will be in the show notes, the podcast description area. Um, so you can go ahead and sign up and if you sign up for a limited time, you will get that one hour one-on-one coaching with me, which it's just gonna be amazing, like the course with me helping you, guiding you on your journey to peace and joy and just ease. Speaker 1: (02:02)Don't we want an easier life? I know I did. And I'm here. So here's my hand. I'm gonna pull you on through and let's dive into the actual episode, shall we? So what are boundaries, right? We hear that word all the time to me, and we're gonna, we're gonna speak queen language today 'cause y'all are some queens. So I want you to picture boundaries like the walls that protect your castle, right? So just as a castle's, walls keep the unwanted out and the good within, that's important too for you to focus on, right? To me, it's protecting your peace. So all the good things you want to stay there and you want to block the negativity from coming and seeping into any even little cracks in your walls, right? So just as you get, you keep that unwanted out and the cherished in the personal boundaries define what you are comfortable with and what crosses the line. Speaker 1: (03:01)So imagine your emotional boundaries as this big protective shield around your emotional wellbeing. So when boundaries has such a negative connotation, and I hate that, I wish there was a more positive association with it, um, for me it is. But for a lot of people it feels like, oh, I'm telling someone what to do. No, you are telling yourself what you will and will not tolerate. And yes, you may communicate that to somebody, but in, in healthy loving boundaries, you're not really telling someone to do. I'll give you a quick example. Um, I had a person in my life that raised their voice a lot at me. And I was a grown adult. I was a grown adult, and I didn't want that to happen anymore. I was used to it. It was my way of life, my whole life. But I woke up one day, I was like, this really has caused me a negative feeling, like a lot, right? Speaker 1: (03:53)So I don't like that. I don't like that feeling. So what do you do about it? I, instead of saying, don't yell at me anymore, you can say, I'm not comfortable with being yelled at. That's not something that I accept in my life anymore. And here is what's going to happen in the future. If you do raise your voice at me, there's nothing I can do about that on your end. But for me, I am going to walk away. I'm gonna hang up the phone, like whatever it is your boundary is gonna be, and we'll get to all of that, especially in the boundaries course where you really customize and learn how to figure out what boundaries you need. And there's also talk in my course about how to set those boundaries with love, right? And where it's not aggressive. So anyway, let's move on. Speaker 1: (04:46)So if you find it hard to say no to, let's say extra work at the office, even when it's affecting your personal time, that might be a sign your time related boundaries need attention. If you feel just spread thin, if you feel like, gosh, I have no time to do anything, and I hear this a lot when my clients come to me, I would say 95% of them say, I just, I don't have time to do that. And by the time they're done with me, they have more free time than they could have dreamt of. Because if you do not have free time in your life, it is because you are not, it may be aware of what's going on. You're not living in alignment with what you truly desire. And so therefore you're not really able to recognize or even know how to set those boundaries. Speaker 1: (05:34)Or maybe you know some of them, but you feel uneasy or guilty about setting them. And we're gonna shift all that mindset in the course. So then you can go on and set them and feel good about it. And you realize it actually improves your relationships. And the relationships. If it does damage certain relationships, those may not be relationships that you want in your life because they're not healthy relationships. So we get into all that too. All the fun, right? So setting healthy boundaries, you have to be very clear and specific. Okay? If a colleague asks you to stay late at work all the time, you could say, I'm happy to help, but I need at least 24 hours notice for overtime requests, right? And again, we'll get into all of these things more deeply. And this is where the one-on-one with me can help. Speaker 1: (06:25)If you have specific situations, you really can't figure out, I am a pro at them. So I love helping with that. Then there's overcoming the boundary challenges, right? Like it's natural to fear that setting boundaries might harm the relationships, but consider this healthy boundaries can actually strengthen them. So let's say you have a friend who always calls late at night, they're disturbing your sleep, but you feel like, oh, I feel bad if I don't answer. Like, you have this urgency to answer. I used to have that in general any time of day or night. I just felt like I had to be accessible all the time to my friends. It was a thing, not anymore, but by sending a boundary kindly, you know, saying something like, I value our friendship, but I do need to maintain a, a healthy sleep schedule. So I could totally chat during the day. Speaker 1: (07:24)Let's say you could even give a specific day. I used to have a specific day. Now it's like when I'm working, I really try hard not to do that unless it's like someone has an emergency or something, right? But I really used to have a day of the week I would pick and I'd be like, you know, Thursdays, if you just wanna chat, just to chat, like, I can totally do that from let's say two to 3:00 PM or whatever. Maybe it's at nighttime while you're waiting for dinner to cook on the stove. And these may seem like, you know, some more silly boundaries, some lighter boundaries. We definitely get into some deeper ones, right? I know a lot of you have gone through abuse. A lot of you come to me, you have just gotten out of really hard relationships and you may need to set boundaries with that person. Speaker 1: (08:11)Um, if you're co-parenting, there's some big boundary setting we have to do there, right? So all of that is something we can work on. So let's, let's talk about somebody who actually went through my program, right? She struggled so much with setting boundaries at her workplace. She used to say yes to everything, everything, if it meant working late, sacrificing her personal time. And this came from her because growing up she really didn't do a lot for herself because she grew up with a parent who was very controlling, um, very, you do everything I say when I do it. And she had no voice in her own life. So she didn't even really know her own voice. When she came to me, we discovered who she was, what she desired, and how to live in alignment with that. And part of that is getting comfortable with and setting new boundaries, right? Speaker 1: (09:17)So after learning about boundaries, she decided to communicate her limits. And not only did she improve her work life balance, but she got more respect from her colleagues. And I have my own little sidebar. Um, when I was in my early twenties, I worked at a television production company. And in the first, gosh, first two weeks, I don't remember exactly, but within the first two weeks, um, this is kind of an embarrassing but funny story. So I actually will go into detail 'cause it's a little entertainment here too. Um, you know, I've always been good at boundaries in certain ways with certain people. I wasn't right? But I always felt like in the workplace, my dad had really, he used to say, here we go, we all in the same pot. That's what he told me. So I was like, yes, I'll respect my elders and all of that, but we're, we're all human, right? Speaker 1: (10:17)Like, I should never be talked down to or yelled at or anything, right? That was something that I just grew up with feeling in a work environment. So I had this new boss and I had asked him to, um, I I was moving out into an apartment and they needed proof that I, you know, had this job, whatever. So they asked him, I mean, I asked him if he could please get back to them. 'cause they had called and he hadn't returned their call, and he kind of blew me off. So I asked, there was like another boss, like a step above him. I asked him, sent him an email with a guy's name. Neither one of them were getting back to him. The guy called, and this was like over the span of a week or so. And so the guy at the apartment building, he contacted me. Speaker 1: (11:11)He said, look, if I don't have this by tomorrow, you're not getting the apartment. So I was like, well, I really wanted this apartment. So I looked in the directory of our huge company, okay? And I typed in human resources. I was like, well, I guess I just go to hr. Maybe that's why they're not responding. Maybe this is an HR thing. So I'll just go to hr. Keep in mind you, I'm fresh out of college. I don't really know how it all works. I just was like, okay, hr. And I saw that there was the president of hr, and I was like, perfect. So I emailed the president of HR and I CC'd the bosses. And my boss, who she didn't, she was like, she wasn't my boss. She was kind of a manager, but not my boss. So I, I couldn't ask her for this, right? Speaker 1: (12:10)Like, she wasn't directly above me. Exactly. Um, but she was in our department and I loved her, whatever. But I put her on the email. I don't even remember why I put her on the email, to be honest. It's so long ago. So, and I ccd the other two bosses who did not get back to the guy. And I wrote to the president of HR and I hit send. And I'm sitting there and I immediately, we were in cubicles and I immediately hear one, one of the bosses, the, like, my direct boss screaming at the top of his lungs. He screamed my name real loud. And, and there were tons of people around us, right? We're in cubicles. There's probably 25, 30 people. And my other, the woman, you know, manager looked at me and she looked at the, she was looking at her screen, she's like, oh, shaking her head. Speaker 1: (13:09)And I was like, oh gosh, did I do something wrong? , I guess so. And so the boss comes running over to my desk, I mean, veins popping red face, not good. And I don't even remember what he yelled, but he was yelling, yelling, yelling at me. And I was humiliated. I mean, I was brand new. All these people were staring at me. He yelled at me and I, I just went, I stormed away, went to the bathroom, I was crying in the bathroom, which was not like me, but I mean, I, that was not comfortable obviously. And I got myself together. And I remember sitting there and I was like, we all in the same pot. Nobody talks to me like that. And I went to him and I said, I, I'd like to speak with you in private, please. And he goes, I don't have time. Speaker 1: (14:06)And so I walked away. So I emailed him and I said, I'd really like to meet with you in private before you leave today. And I knew every, all of our schedule, I think were five or six. And at five o'clock I, like right before five, I see him getting his stuff ready. Like he just ignored my email. So I got up and I walked over to him and I said, I'd really like to meet before you leave. And he was like, God, fine. You know, like he was really annoyed. And so I said, do you wanna go into a quality control suite? We did television, production, quality control, and they had suites that shut. So we went in there and I said to him, I said, what you did to me earlier was not okay. I felt very disrespected and humiliated. I didn't do anything on purpose, obviously. Speaker 1: (14:59)And he was like, you wrote to the president of HR of all of this company. I mean, he is huge company. And I said, well, I don't know. I, the guy said I needed it done, you know, or I wouldn't get the apartment. And so we kind of went back and forth. I, he was still upset, but he calmed down as we talked. And I was like, that just under no circumstance, is that okay to speak to me like that, to speak to anyone like that. It's just not, I was, you know, I wasn't yelling, I was calm, I was just direct. And did I think I could get fired? Sure. Um, but I also have faith. There's this whole faith thing that goes along with me and my mind. And I do believe God will take care of us if we take care of ourselves. Speaker 1: (15:49)And, um, and I'm not saying you have to go about things this way, right? It might be extreme to do that, but maybe having an exit plan and looking for another job. If let's say, you know, you're scared to do something like that 'cause you have kids to support, I totally get that. But it's setting a standard. And I will tell you this, that man never spoke badly to me again. He actually was very kind. He liked me. He would tell people about me. He had used my nickname. He came to love me. And he told me one day, he said, the day that you talked to me in that room made me gain major respect for you. And that kind of hit, you know, because I was, I was scared. I was like, I, this might be it for me here. That sucks. I only made it two weeks. Speaker 1: (16:43)Um, and I wasn't someone to do that. But I, I felt so much in my body that this is not okay and not right that I just had to say something. So all that big story to say between me and my clients, I can tell you people respect you when you respect yourself and when you de demand, not demand, I hate that word, demand respect. But when you don't settle for less than being respected and being treated well, right? People treat you how you let them treat you. And that is true my whole life. Look, the abuse when I was a child, that is something that, you know, yeah, sure, I wish I would've gone to police or whatever, gotten help. But we don't always know, especially as children didn't know what options were out there. But I will tell you, as I got older and out of the house and going through this work, nobody treats me poorly anymore. Speaker 1: (17:38)That just doesn't happen. If it does, it's one time and they're out. Like, you don't get, you don't get chances to poorly behave around me. And I want you all to have this standard for yourself. I'm calling it the bold standard. 'cause you're queens, right? We're all queens. Everyone. Men too. This isn't just like a women empowerment. I mean, I'm all about women obviously, but men need to be treated well too. There are women who treat men horribly. Everybody deserves to be treated well and have high standards for themselves in their lives. You know, don't let anyone treat you like how you would not want your own child treated, right? A lot of us will be like, oh, they can't do that. And so protective of our kids, be protective of yourself as well. Like this life is to be lived in peace, in joy, in freedom and happiness. Speaker 1: (18:38)We're not here to suffer or take, okay? So I would love you to purchase my boundaries. Course it will be life changing. I, I can say everyone who has gone through my course has told me it has changed their lives. And then with that one-on-one coaching session with me that comes with it, this is like, now is the time to get this. So I will put the link in. I want you to really take your boundaries seriously and know you can do it in a way that isn't, you don't have to be a, right? Like there's a whole like association with boundaries or power. And that's. And we don't have time for it. You are loving yourself and all you want is to be treated well. And that's okay. That's more than okay. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Again, we're not here to suffer. Speaker 1: (19:34)That's not why we're here guys. We're here for many, many different reasons. That's a whole other show. But, and to help others. And you can still help others and be selfless in many ways, yet still care for yourself and demand that you be treated well. And again, I hate that word. It's got a negative connotation, but don't settle for less. I'll fluff it up a little bit. Semantics. Semantics. Anyway, this is a little bit of a longer episode, but it's super important. And this is the foundation of having a great life. It's simple. Like a great life is truly created by figuring out what your desires are. Maybe you have to rediscover yourself in the process. I'll do an episode about that. And then setting boundaries with yourself and with other people. There's also, you have to set boundaries with your yourself. If you want your life to align with your desires. What does your day look like? I, if you desire really to travel, but you never travel the, we've gotta fix something that could be a boundary with yourself. Well, what are, are you spending all this money on something else that's really not working toward what you actually want? It just in the moment seems like a good fix. Like, um, binge shopping, just like a, you know, aimlessly walking the aisles or scrolling on Amazon. 'cause you're filling a, a void in the moment. You just guzzling some wine, a coffee addiction that's expensive. Speaker 1: (21:15)Like getting clear on your alignment with what you desire and setting those boundaries to get into that alignment is everything. So I will link all this stuff in my show notes. If you have questions, I'll put my email in there as well. You guys deserve the freaking world. And you can get it. You can live a dream version of your life, if that makes sense, right? Like, can I be Mariah Carey right now? Maybe not, but can I live my dream if I wanna, if I love singing, which I do right now, I'm taking voice lessons, I love it. I'm singing on YouTube. I'm having a good old time, right? Like, there's ways to bring your sparkle back on top of, you know, recreating your boundaries with other people, recreating your life through setting the boundaries and letting the good in filling your life with more of the good it by blocking out the bad, right? Speaker 1: (22:25)Think about it. If you have negative energy and people draining you all the time, how are you gonna really be happy and do more of the good stuff or figure out what you even wanna do? Look like, picture it as a scale, right? You want that happy, happy joy, joy to be way up in the air. We want an imbalanced happy scale . Um, because that negative will just weigh you down, rob you of your energy, rob you of your joy, fill you with anxiety and worry. And y you are going to get more than that. I, if you go through this course, you are gonna learn a lot and you are going, it is invaluable. You are going to change your life. So, alright, I'm just, I'm passionate, obviously I could go on and on. Now I have, I've gone on for another like four minutes. Speaker 1: (23:17)So I will let you go, go click on that, purchase it, get that free call with me, which will pop up at the end of your, don't be worried if it's not there right away. Um, you can get, you can purchase an extra one if you'd like to. Um, there's an option for that to get two calls with me. But at the end, automatically at the end of your course, you get that one-on-one call. So you go through the course and then we can chat, you can, you know, if you have any questions about the course, if you're like, okay, I get it, but I have this specific situation that's tricky, can you help me? Yes. All those things. Or we can just sing and dance, do some yoga. Just kidding. Well, not really. We can do whatever you want with that hour, , but I love you guys. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

The 5 Minute Meditation Every Woman Healing from Abuse Needs to do Right Now

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In this 5-minute meditation, the speaker Christy Jade guides listeners through a series of breathing exercises and affirmations to help regulate the nervous system and promote feelings of peace, safety, and self-empowerment.
 
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello Queens. It is Kristi Jade with, but still she thrives. And today I'm so excited we have a mini episode. I've been doing these, I'm going to start trying to do them even more so you guys can build a little collection, a little library of under five minute meditations, breath work, things to really regulate your nervous system because when you've been through some shit like we have, that's what we need to do. We need to maintain through regulation, right? So in between my regular kind of talky episodes, I'm going to be doing these. So let me know in the Facebook group if you are enjoying them and if you have any recommendations that you would like me to do. So don't forget, that's always in the podcast description along with all the ways to work with me and all the fun freebies. So always go check that out after you're done listening. So let's start out taking a breath. I need to take a breath. I'm always talking fast. So let's take a nice inhale through the nose and exhale slowly.
(01:09)And if you want to close your eyes, only do that. If you're not driving or you don't need to be seeing anything, hopefully you're in a quiet space doing this. Rest your eyes, rest your body, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. Breathe in deeply and feel that air fill your lungs expanding through your shoulders. Hold it and let it go. With each inhale, imagine this beautiful, golden, peaceful, warm light filling you with this calm energy. And when you exhale, release the tension of the day, the tension that builds up any doubt you're having about yourself. Any fears. I know we got a lot from all the stuff we've gone through. There are definitely going to be some anxieties, but this is where we let them float away. In this moment, let yourself feel at peace and we'll do one more inhale, filling up that peace bubble all around you. Hold it and exhale, releasing all that no longer serves you. Okay? Now bring your attention to your body. Feel the ground beneath you. Whether you're sitting, standing, laying, you are steady. You are safe in this moment. And I'd love you to repeat out loud if you can. After me, I'll say it, then you can repeat it. I am here.
(02:58)I am whole. I am stronger than I know. And let these words really settle into your heart. You have already survived so much and you're still here. You're still standing. And you're not just standing. You thriving, right? We're thriving over here. Okay? Now imagine this soft, fluffy, warm light. This is God's love. Peace, the wisdom you have from what you've been through. It is within you always right? You have this. You aren't alone in this darkness. You have this light. And now I want you to take a little minute to listen. Just be in this peace bubble, this golden warm peace bubble, and just listen and ask God, if you are not a God person, that's fine. Just ask your higher self, whatever. What do I need to hear in this moment? And let yourself sit and just feel, hear whatever comes up. Trust it. Don't overthink it. I know what you're doing.
(04:20)This is your inner sparkle, that intuition, and it's going to be guiding you. Let whatever comes up, come up. It may be a word, it may be a feeling, it may be some sort of vision, some sort of shape or color. And in a deeper meditation, you can go deeper into that. But for now, just let it come. Just see it. Be with it after something comes up, whatever it is, say thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you, universe. Take that big inhale in and exhale. And you're going to repeat after me. I am safe. I am strong.
(05:22)I am divinely guided, and I am ready to rise. Because why? Because I'm a queen. We have to always add that one in there. When you're ready, open your eyes. Carry this peace bubble with you today, feeling that warmth, that glow. That's your glow, baby. You look good in glow. All right? Now remember, if you want to do more resetting your body, that nervous system calibration, somatic healing is an amazing, amazing solution from the inside. Healing from the inside, not just the mindset work, which is beautiful, but somatic healing, which I'm doing, I am offering right now. And you can go to my website, it's christie jade.com and then slash somatic healing. That will always be in my podcast notes too. But right now, it is at the beautiful, beautiful price of one 11. I usually have it at 1 33. So you're going to get a little discount for being here with me today. So you can go on there, sign up for a session. I guarantee you'll feel amazing afterwards. You can read all about it. There's a page. You can read more details to know more information. But this is the type of stuff we need to do to find the piece, to feel the piece, to rewrite what has happened, to undo the damage. It can be done.
(07:04)I am proof. I am proof here. So I'm going to leave this, try to make it a short, I know it's only five minutes, but I blab a little bit because I really want you to understand how important this work is. The little meditations doing yoga. Whatever you can do to feed your body, your mind, your spirit, it's going to help and hydrate. Girl, where's your water? Okay, so if you want to do a session, go grab a session with me. We're going to have so much fun. It's me. We're going to have fun and heal. It's the best of both worlds. So also, the next episode I am going to do, because I've gotten a few requests on this, is navigating narcissistic parents. Are you ready for that? I have not touched on that. So make sure you're following me. Subscribe, whatever you got to do on the podcast platform of your preference.
(07:58)So you get notified when I have new episodes out. I'm telling you what's coming up this year is going to be fire. It is going to be amazing. We have so much awesome stuff. It's about to blow your roof off. So I hope you enjoyed this. Remember to save these episodes, go back and just grab, when you got five minutes, go grab your golden glow, right? And you get to hear my weird voice in the background. It's perfect. All right, love you guys. Don't forget you are thriving, you are amazing. You're a queen. And don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. See you in the next one.

Do Narcissists Really Feel? The Truth Will Shock You!

Do Narcissists Really Feel? The Truth Will Shock You!
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---------
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode of, but Still She Thrives. We are gonna talk about do narcissists really have emotions? They have what we see as emotions, but are they true emotions? Stay tuned and find out. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:12)All right, let's dive into this. I can say I myself was really wondering about this. When I started to really delve into narcissistic abuse with my own experience with studying it. This was something I was like, oh, I get so confused about this because they can turn on the tears. Or are they real tears? Sometimes it seems so genuine. They have all these different emotions that we can relate to, but there's something that seems off about it, so it makes us wonder. So we're gonna explore. All right. To begin, let's clarify what narcissism is. If you're new here, maybe you don't know. It is narcissistic personality disorder or N p D. It's a mental health condition, really characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration and important, very important in this is the lack of empathy for others. So it's not just someone who's like, oh, they're such a narcissist. Speaker 1: (02:08)They're just so cocky, right? It goes a lot deeper. There's a lot of characteristics. You can go binge a bunch of my episodes to find out more, but they often come across as arrogant and self-centered. So I think it's important to know do they have emotions? Do they real emotions? Do they have the same emotions the rest of quote us do? So do they have emotions? The short answer is yes. Like anyone else, they experience a wide range of emotions, happiness, sadness, anger. We know about that. Anger and narcissist, don't we? And even fear, right? However, the way they experience and express their emotions is what's really very different from what we consider typical. So they may have difficulty connecting with and understanding their own emotions. For me, I I really picture them as having these deep, deep buried emotions that they can't even touch on. Speaker 1: (03:06)Occasionally, depending on how much frequency of contact, how long you've known the narcissist, you may get a little glimpse of this vulnerability where you see a true ish emotion. I've experienced that very, very rarely with someone that I have known for decades. Um, I would say twice I feel I've seen what is actually a true emotion. Um, because they, they really don't even understand their own selves. They can't cope with emotions. So they don't really go there. Their intense focus on themselves also often makes it challenging for them to empathize with the emotions of other people. They're always so up their own asses, let's call it what it is that they can't see past it, right? And they, so they just have this block there. And another important aspect to consider is this narcissistic mass. So it's kind of referring to what, what I was talking about there about, you know, there's these emotions buried deep, but they often present a very carefully crafted image to the world. Speaker 1: (04:17)And this conceals all those insecurities, all their vulnerabilities, 'cause they have 'em. So that's another episode. They do have insecurities. A lot of narcissists come off as so cocky, an arrogant, and they know it all. And they are actually completely the opposite. So this mask can make it seem like they lack emotions or are only concerned with their own needs, which honestly, I do believe most of them are only concern concerned with their own needs. But that is where that comes from, is they are, are showing that they are this, oh, look at me, I've done this and I've done that. They brag, they come off as very arrogant. And so it kind of will really highlight that they are not concerned with other people and they have a big, big focus on themselves. But beneath that exterior, narcissists can be very fragile. They may react strongly to perceived slights or criticism. Speaker 1: (05:19)So that's something to look out for. If there is someone who cannot handle being wrong, cannot handle being criticized, even when you come at it in a loving way, even when you use that sandwich mess method and you roll up there and say, oh my God, you're the best. And, but here's this little thing I wish you would do a little differently and not treat me like garbage, but I love you and I hope we can work it out. They still come at you all crazy. They can't handle being just disciplined, or not even disciplined, but just talk, having a healthy conversation about changes that need to be made. Whatever it is, they cannot handle that. So they struggle to understand, like we said, and also more importantly, manage the, the emotions they do have, the emotions it triggers inside of them. So this whole paradox of arrogance and fragility, I think is really what confuses so many of us. Speaker 1: (06:23)And now that we know more about narcissism, narcissism can't even say the word today. Um, now that there's more information out there, it's so helpful because now you can see, okay, I think this person is so arrogant, they're very fragile. But don't let that make you feel, uh, because sometimes, let's be honest, when we see a fragile person or think of someone as fragile, we have empathy, which is great, but not with, they're a, they're a narcissist because narcissist narcissists are generally abusive. So I don't want you to go there and think like, oh, this this poor little hurt cat, I'm gonna help it. No, you don't need to help anybody. You know, my very, very first advice I I will give in a narcissistic situation if you are with a narcissist, is to get out. Not everyone's gonna like that. Not everyone is going to be ready for that. Speaker 1: (07:24)That's fine. No judgment. That's always gonna be my first and foremost advice. However, if you are co-parenting, there's no way around having them totally out of your life in most situations, unless they are abusive to the point that it can be proven and you can, you know, have your children taken from them. Or if you are in a situation where you are very fearful of your life, that is very, very hard to get out of the situation. It's a lot harder when you have that fear. And I understand that, and that's why I always recommend, and I always put the phone number to the domestic abuse hotline in my show notes. So don't hesitate to, they also, I think even on their website, I believe they have like a, a hidden thing where if you go to it, you can hide it. So if your narcissist is, you know, stalking your, they, you can basically have it. Speaker 1: (08:20)So it's hidden. Um, I should probably check into that more to give you the exact details, but I remember when I went to that website, checking it, there was something like that, which is helpful. Um, you can call that phone number, try to make a plan to get out. 'cause I, I do get it. It's hard. But that is just always my first, first and foremost advice is get as far away as a narcissist as you can. Fragile or not. That fragility is very different in narcissists because it comes out usually in abusive behavior. Okay? So if you or someone you know is dealing with narcissistic tendencies, right? If you or yourself, maybe there's a narcissist listening to this out there, probably not. Most narcissists don't want help. Um, but if you are dealing with it yourself, you're in a situation or you know somebody, please direct them to this. Speaker 1: (09:11)You know, go ahead and share this with them. Share whatever information is in my show notes with them. If it is for you, I really beg you to seek help. If you are in a situation with a narcissist, you deserve more. Okay? Therapists, mental health experts, me as a coach can provide guidance and support. However, I will say I work with women who have already gotten out of romantic situations. Um, I don't work with women actively one-on-one with women who are in currently in the situations. That's just a different thing that I, um, you know, I don't work with that sort of situation right now. I have in the past, but right now, that's not my focus. However, like I said, there's the domestic hotline. 'cause really you need to get a plan first and foremost to get out. I work with women who are on the other end of things. Speaker 1: (10:08)Maybe you've just gotten out of the situation. Maybe you're six months, a year, three years out, but you are still healing, which can very much be the case if you have not gotten, um, help. Or maybe you've been to a therapist, like I was a therapist that did not really know about narcissists. And that was not helpful because there you, 'cause they're, you can't treat them like other people. You can't treat the situation like other people. So, um, it's really important if you do get a therapist, make sure they have dealt with narcissism themselves. Uh, that, that is how I found one of my therapists. I really interviewed people and was like, if they wouldn't tell me, then they didn't tell me I'd go to the next one. Then I found a lady, she had a narcissistic person in her life. And I was like, good. Speaker 1: (10:51)This is a great, she knows what it's like. 'cause I felt like very alone. Like no one really got it. So that being said, I am here. If you are on the other side, I would love to work with you one-on-one. We basically, we have like a kickoff call. I'll put that in the show notes where we create a two week plan. So it's on this, this new journey to healing. I like to call it you 2.0. We, we are becoming a queen. You deserve all the joy, all the peace. And just because you've been in this situation does not mean you cannot have that. And so it's super important to realize that, like, don't lose hope. Um, I've been there and I am on the other side of it, and life is grand and amazing. I mean, nobody's life is perfect, but God, the difference is really epic. Speaker 1: (11:37)It's epic man, . So definitely click on that sign up. Um, right now it is, I believe 1 97 for two. So you get two calls with me and you get some email support in between. And then we start our journey. You can come on and do monthly calls. So I have most of my clients do once a week calls with me. And we get you in such a better spot in your life. You get that peace, that calm, you can sleep at night. You don't have these racing thoughts all the time. You don't feel like you're crawling out of your skin and you know what to do if this person contacts you or if you have, you know, these memories or these triggers. Like we work through a lot of those things. I will say it's, it's a quicker process than you think it might be. Speaker 1: (12:27)And we really shift from that into, okay, you're here now, let's do, now let's live out loud. Let's find joy. Let's find peace. Let's find people that lift us up in our lives. Let's do the things that make us happy. Like when you're a kid and you just like have these activities, like you feel like you lost your sparkle, girl, we're gonna get your sparkle back. Okay? You're a queen. You deserve to sparkle. Okay. All right. So yes, in conclusion, 'cause I rambled, narcissists do have emotions, however, their emotional experiences and expressions can be very complex and influenced by their narcissistic tendencies. So understanding is essential for those dealing with narcissists or seeking to help them. So if you also are a mental health specialist, please do as much research as you can. Talk to people who have dealt with it. Talk to narcissists themselves. Speaker 1: (13:29)There are some out there that are actually on YouTube, um, where you can listen to their videos and get an idea of, of really who these people are because it's way more complex than, than often it is made. But at the same time, I'll give you one hint if you haven't heard all my episodes, maybe you haven't heard this, but one thing about narcissists that simplifies it for me is they are always seeking to control their victim or to regain control, like checking if they have that control. If they don't, then they will try to regain it back. So like all of their calculated moves, it's all about control. It's about really nothing else. So that is kind of oversimplifying it, but it's a helpful handy tool when you are like, why is he reaching out? Why is he doing this? Whenever you ask why, your answer is basically right there for control. Speaker 1: (14:25)For control, for control, okay? So anyway, that is it for today's episode. I do want to say, let's do a little, I am a little affirmation action before we leave. Okay? A little empowered. I am okay. Hands to heart. And unless you're driving, nobody needs you shutting your eyes with your hand on your heart and going off the road. Okay, let's take a breath. This was some fast talking tonight. I got a lot of to do tomorrow, so I'm speeding talking , okay? Ah, all right. I am worthy of peace. Say after me. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of joy. I am gonna get my sparkle back Speaker 2: (15:15)Because Speaker 1: (15:16)I'm a queen . Alright, see you guys in the next episode. Loves these. Don't forget to check the show notes.
 

Affirmations for Healing After Abuse

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The Secret to How My Narcissist Got Me Back and How to Avoid Getting Sucked Back In

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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)On today's episode of, but Still She Thrives. We are going to talk about the secret of how my narcissist got me back. It probably works on you too. If you're still in this situation or if you're out of the situation, this may be a struggle and you're scared. You don't wanna go back or get re-involved in any way. Sometimes, even if you're a romantic. And then they try to suck you in as like a friend. They can use this tactic and it, it worked pretty well on me. I'm a sucker for it. So stay tuned to find out what it is and how we can say no, like to drugs. Just say no. Speaker 1: (00:39)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:36)All right, so let's dive into the secret to how my narcissist got me back. I mean, there were, you know, several ways, but this is a huge one that I think some of us may oversee. Or if you are an empath, like most narcissistic abuse victims, survivors, whatever you wanna be called, don't, don't yell at me, often have this trait of being empathetic and having big hearts, right? So this is something that narcissists really manipulate and in a calculated way use against us. So for me, one of those really, really hard things to resist is nostalgia slash memories. Anything related to good times, and it doesn't necessarily even had like, have to be with that specific person. And I'm gonna use an example, I'm gonna throw it out there. One of my real life examples that has happened to me in recent years even is that one of the narcissists that I cut out of my life is famous. Speaker 1: (02:42)Not famous, but famous for trying to suck me back in with nostalgia. He knows that's the thing. This is someone who knows me very well, we spent lots of time together and he thinks he is really smart. But I see through it. So now, honestly, it's comical when it would come through in recent years, it would be like, oh my gosh, this is so obvious that, I mean, it's comical, but it's gross too. It's gross behavior. So the nostalgia. So it doesn't necessarily, like I said, it doesn't have to be like, oh, remember when? And those can happen too. The whole, remember when we went to Maui together? I wish actually I went to Maui with anybody. That didn't happen. But you know, going down memory lane in that way is a great fast way to suck people in. Also, another way is just things they know you love. Speaker 1: (03:33)So my narcissist would use examples like, Hey, I just got tickets to blank. You like one of your favorite musicians, I'm saving a ticket for you. I have backstage passes. That's a real thing that happened. So they're trying to pull you in and, and they could totally turn it around, be like, no, I was just trying to be a nice guy. I really was. No, you weren't. You want to gain control. Narcissists want to gain control, and if they don't have it, they will try to get it back, right? And this, I mean, this was not years, maybe a year between the last time I talked to this person, they fell off. So don't expect them to fall off and never come back. I think we know that, but this person had not contacted me. Whatever. It was like good gravy. Then they came back with this probably because it may have sparked a memory of me because yes, I like this musician and they knew that. Speaker 1: (04:36)But it was more about them being feeling rejected and not having control. So they're like, Hmm, how can I get set this up so that this person feels like they either guilted into it, like, oh, I already have a ticket for you. Or throw that nostalgia on and make you feel special. Right? There was wording in it like, you know, you're the only person that would love to see this as much as I would. Right? Which isn't true. I mean, this is a very famous person. These people are famous people. There are hundreds of thousands of people that like them. We're not special, okay? But they are calculated and they use this wording and they try to manipulate so they can get their way and gain control. So I'm pointing all of this out so that if you're in a similar situation, you can look at texts like that, emails, calls, whatever it is, and say, I know what you do. Speaker 1: (05:32)And yeah, yeah. Who sang that song? You remember? I know what maybe she was singing about a narcissist and say, okay, enough of that. 'cause I clearly don't even know the words, but this is super important. Yes, this is kind of like a quick, we're having a quick little episode here, but this is so important to be able to recognize this as a flag. When they bring nostalgia up, it is to gain control of you. And it's about them. It's not about you. We're not special. I mean, we're special, but we're not really special. These people, they do this for control. So we have to recognize that and write this stuff down. A little secret to not taking the bait on this. Something that I do is I literally have for one of the narcissists, 'cause that was the hardest one for me to like separate from, there's a little notebook I have and I just like have these little reminders. Speaker 1: (06:31)So whenever I, I never will like go back to, to being in this person's life. But whenever I have a moment of just feeling like a little guilty, which is very rare now, or I don't know if guilty is the word, but just like, you know, I'm a human with a big heart and it, it's hard sometimes, right? Even for me, I have a little moment and I'll just say, let me look in my little notebook, right? And it makes me feel so much better. So all the things this person has done, write them down in a notebook or locked up in a computer that no one can get access to, whatever somewhere. Especially if you're fresh out the gates. It's helpful. I did it fresh out the gates and looked at it every single day. I wrote all the crap they did and to remind myself. Speaker 1: (07:15)'cause when we're feeling guilty or emotional or nostalgic, we will think of the good things. So a key to not, you know, to avoiding this getting sucked in this way, is to write all the things down. How they made your life miserable. And writing down nostalgia is just about them and their control, not about me. All right, I hope this is helpful and I will see you in the next episode. The Nest episode. I forgot the X in that word. I'm still in summertime, but only a couple more weeks until our fall school semester begins. So that's in my mind when fall begins, basically, when my daughter goes back to school. So a couple more weeks of that, and then I'm gonna be possibly upping to two episodes a week. Again, what do you guys think? You like one or two episodes a week. Speaker 1: (08:03)Let me know what is I, because I know some people can get overwhelmed, especially like after abuse and stuff. So is two episodes a week? Too many? Do you feel like you won't be able to keep up? Let me know. Write me my email's always in the, uh, what do you call the Gmail? The Gmail, the, the podcast notes area and my Gmail email is in there. And also, if you are having trouble with setting boundaries with you, feel like you're getting sucked into toxic behaviors, please either buy My Boundaries course, which is always also listed in there. It's amazing. And it's lifetime access. It's go at your own pace. There's like one week dripped for 10 weeks. So you do it like one about a half hour or less video every week talking about how to set, how to create, how to evaluate what boundaries you need, then how to set them and you know, create them, set them, and then maintain them. Speaker 1: (09:03)How to have any tough conversations you feel like you need to have. And even setting boundaries with yourself. That's a fun one. So it's 10 videos, they drip out for 10 weeks and then after that you can have them forever and ever. Yay. So definitely check that out. If you have trouble setting boundaries or if you wanna work one-on-one with me, there's always that option. Go into the podcast notes for that as well, and I will talk to you soon. Let's do, let's do a couple, uh, affirmations. Shall we shoulder shake? All right. Hands over heart. Unless you're driving. Take a nice deep breath. Ah, okay. I will not get sucked back into any toxicity. Repeat after me. Speaker 2: (09:51)Okay. Speaker 1: (09:53)I want peace, therefore I must protect myself. I know I can be strong because I'm a queen. Yeah. All right, love you. See you. The next one.
 

How to Protect Your Peace at All Costs

Take a ride with me in my car for this special episode! I will share some of my current 'navigating toxic situations' and some important reminders about protecting your peace! Let's dive in!
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
(01:00)All right, it's been a while since I have recorded a new episode. I have no idea how long this'll be. Hold on to your bootstraps. I am actually just taking a little drive around the neighborhood. I think I'm going to park. It's a beautiful sunny day out and I think we'll have a little chitty chat. So I was just listening to a podcast myself and in it she was talking about just basically it's her sharing her journey as she goes. And I was like, oh, that's kind of cool. I know a lot of podcasts are very like mine, right? It's definitely to help other people. It's to, yes, share things I've gone through, but it's more like using my experience to give tips and tricks, which is very beneficial. But I thought I should sprinkle in some of how I'm still using to this day, even after I have cut a major narcissist out of my life, but how I'm still using it this day to deal with other people.
(02:10)Because I'm not saying everyone's a narcissist. I don't like to throw that word around. But I will say that there are a lot of people that do have some narcissistic traits. And if you do come from a unhealthy family background, which sorry, fam I do, there's a lot of unhealthy stuff that went on, which honestly I feel like there's a lot of families that are like that. But maybe I also feel like that because maybe we tend to feel comfortable around other people and other friends that can relate to what we've gone through. So it's kind of like that attracts like situation. So I would say my husband who comes from a very healthy family background tends to have friends that come from pretty healthy family backgrounds too. Not saying there aren't exceptions. And for me, I tend to have especially older friends, friends I've accumulated in my youth before this journey that may have some family Bs in their little arsenal.
(03:18)But then I also have some people I've met in more recent years that have either healthy families or healthy mindsets where they know how to navigate it and they don't have that drama bond, right? It's like the trauma bond, the drama bond. I dunno, is that a thing that's already out there? I thought I was so clever just now, but I guarantee that's already a thing. Drama bond. So anyway, there's been some drama bonding in my life for sure. If you're listening to this, you probably have drama bonding in your life currently, if you are seeking help or in your past, if you're kind of on this, yeah, I've really worked on myself. I've done the therapy. Now I'm looking to do the somatic healing, which by the way, I will always put the information to sign up. How to contact me by email or sign up for coaching or somatic healing is something I do as well.
(04:11)That's healing through the body. If you dunno, it's freaking amazing. If you want testimonials, let me know. I will send you them. But it's really awesome. So as I travel through my neighborhood, very exciting. We are going to dive into what's going on in my life right now, how I'm dealing with a narcissist. This person, I actually, I dunno why I said a narcissist. This person for sure has some narcissistic tendencies. I think they have another type of mental disorder. I am not going to nay names. I'm not going to throw shade on anyone specifically. I'm just here to tell you how I navigate it in different facets of my life. So maybe I'll sprinkle in more stories, let me know. Definitely sign up for my Facebook page because that's where we can actually chat more. So sign up on that. The link is always in the description of the podcast and it's a great group of mostly women in there.
(05:13)I believe it's all women. I don't know if a man snuck in. I usually check each and every thing before I approve it. So it should be all women and it's a safe place. It's a private Facebook group, but we can chat more in there. So recently I've had a situation, and in this situation there's someone that I am somewhat forced to deal with. I say somewhat because usually we're not really forced in less. It is in a lot of cases. And I know a lot of you have that situation where you have shared custody and you are dealing with a narcissist or a toxic ex or father or mother of your child, which can get very tricky. This is almost similar. There is someone I am somewhat forced to. I say somewhat because I have decided at this point, they have said such nasty things to me. They have done a couple really horrible things to me that has impacted my relationship with someone else that has been absolutely heartbreaking. I'm talking, Christie was losing sleep over it. Really, really tough stuff. And I wish I could go into further detail because I know everyone wants the juice. But for privacy sake of the person that I do have a relationship with, I am not going to disclose that.
(06:46)Yeah, I'll leave that there for now. But the important part is what I realize is there's usually ways around things. So basically this person has been really not kind and made it very difficult to contact this other person that I'm dealing with. So I have made workarounds doing that and I have decided it is more important to me to let that person I have a relationship with know that I love them, I care about them, I want to talk to them directly. And sometimes that's all we can do. We have to protect our peace and our mental health. So there is a time where you have to evaluate for yourself, is this worth my mental anguish? I mean, usually the answer is no for me, but I've taken a while to get here. So I know it's not always overnight and I want to give that grace to you, give you permission to give yourself that grace that you may have setbacks.
(07:54)I have had setbacks in this particular situation through the years where I have said, oh, I'm not going to let such and such talk to me this way. They're never going to get to talk to me again. That is it. And then because of the complex situation, I have been put in a situation where it's like I felt like I had to and my heartstrings are pulled to the point. I was like, well, I have to and it's worth it. I just got to. And then the cycle happens again. Here's something with, I don't want to say narcissist only toxic people. If they're really toxic and it's a pattern, it's going to keep happening. So you can get your heartstrings pulled and then you get sucked back in. The goal is to not keep getting sucked back in. We're human. I gave myself grace and this time feels, sometimes you will just feel it in your heart.
(08:47)This time is different. What this person did this particular time in my situation was past the point of return for me. And I feel it in my body. It feels different. It feels like the exhaustion, that mental anguish that I give up feeling. Not I give up in a weak way, but I give up surrendering my peace to this human who is not kind and is not for me and never will be. And if the collateral is a relationship of somebody else, and that's what happens. I hope it's not and I don't think it will be, but I had to determine knowing I'm choosing to not respond to this person at all and all of their crazy antics and texts and calls and whatever I'm choosing. Not that could impact the relationship of me and the other person. But I have come to a point in my life where you guys know my favorite word is peace.
(09:58)I have a peace bubble around me and my little family. If you don't know, I have a husband that I could not have written up, I could not have created. I didn't know. I always say I did not know they made people this good. I really didn't. And I think, I mean that could be because I grew up in the environment I did and whatever, but I truly am dumbfounded every day that God sent this person to me. I feel, and I'm not one to be like, oh, things are so great, and they're like shit behind closed doors. That's not me. No, I am very real. If you know me in real life, I will spill all the tea even on myself. I just read an old diary, the few diary entry things that were embarrassing as heck on YouTube yesterday. I'm an overshare. And if there's a problem I, I think people need to know, people in the public eye, like me on podcasts and YouTube, whatever, can very much make it a picture of like, oh, this is how things are.
(11:07)And you can be like this rainbows and butterflies. That's not me. Do I have a lens of rainbows and butterflies? Yes. I choose every day to be positive, to find the best in situations, to see the silver lining, to make life full of joy. I create, I initiate. Does bad shit happen? Yes. Have I had arguments with my husband? Of course. But are they toxic and unhealthy? No. We talk them out. We might disagree. He might go step away. That's his thing. He might go step away for five minutes because I'm the type who wants to fix. Now yesterday, let's get this over with, I just want peace. Let's fix it, fix it. Where he's like, I need to process. So nothing's perfect in life. We have different ways we do things, but they're both healthy ways and we don't yell at each other. We don't scream. We don't curse at each other. So I'm just giving you an idea. I have a very nice husband. My daughter I adopted at birth and she is freaking incredible a gift from God.
(12:12)I literally, the other day I was a little upset about this whole situation. It's a tough situation. And I let her see me upset. I mean, I don't wallow in it. I'm not a Waller, but I was like, and she goes, I'm really sorry this is happening. She said, I wish there was something I could do. And I said, child, I said, just be you make my life. You make parenting easy. And that is the best thing in the world right now that on top of this thing that's bothering me, I don't have to worry about you. She's like this little self-sufficient organized girl. She writes in her planner, we have a planning party on Sundays. We plan the week ahead. She's more organized than I am. She makes her own lunch every day. She does her laundry. She asks if she can help. She is sweet and kind and funny.
(13:05)I say all that to say this, I have a very happy life that I will do whatever I need to protect because I didn't have that. And I want to protect her and her peace. I don't want to drag any of the muck outside into my home with her or my husband. And I finally, in my life, and you can relate to this maybe where you used to just, it was kind of what you knew. But now I know I deserve way better than people speaking ugly to me. People talking down to me, people making me feel like I'm not valuable or I grew up, I will say with a sibling that put me down a lot and call me names and stupid. And I think it was beyond sibling stuff. You know how some people know where to jab and they just jab it real hard even in our twenties. And it was stuff that would really hurt.
(14:13)So I want to protect my family from the muck. I want to protect myself from the muck. I don't deserve it. I never did. And you don't deserve it. So when I find a mucky person in my life, I've learned to tolerate so much because of my upbringing. But now that I'm older, do I tolerate more than someone else would? I may a little, but I reached the point, and that's what I'm saying here. I reached the point where I was like, my body is saying no and I'm going to listen to it. And with somatic healing, you learn so well to listen to your what's right and wrong. Like I said, I had a moment a few years ago where I felt like, well, this is a very tough situation. I got to kind of just take this heat for a minute so I can still maintain this relationship with this other person.
(15:12)It was important to me. It's still important to me. But when I listen to my body this time, I am like, I don't have anything left. Can you relate? I know you can. I know we've all done it with the actual narcissist situation, but I want you to be able to use the narcissist situation to also take the temperature of your other relationships or just even not relationships, but people that may come into your life in the office, friends that maybe come into your group and it doesn't feel so great. They're not such good people, very self-absorbed or whatever. Listen to your body, listen to yourself. And I am so sick of the word toxic. I feel like I use it because I don't know what else to call it. I'm so sick of the word, but just people that don't make you feel good.
(16:08)People that don't lift you up and that don't reciprocate. Whatever it is. It doesn't have to be a narcissist, but if someone is hurtful to you and really, you know what energy I'm talking about where you're just like, oh gosh, you don't have to tolerate it. You don't have to. And in my life right now I'm saying this person no more. I just felt it in my body. It was like a zap of lightning was like F this. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot do it. I'm done. I actually did meditation on it to just kind of free up all the muck, get rid of the muck meditation.
(16:52)And then I prayed. I'm a big God person if you don't know. I prayed and said, God, please help me maintain this relationship with the one person, but I need to be freed of this other one. And please help this be as calm and peaceful to navigate as possible. So I've been praying on that, and that's something you can do. Prayer is huge guys. If you're a God person, not everybody is. I don't judge. It is not for me to decide. I just know what I believe about my God and Jesus. I'm Christian and seen the power of prayer in my life is insane. I could do a whole podcast on the stories in my life where prayer has worked and just miracles have happened. So if you're a God person, pray. Pray. And don't be afraid to say no more in your life without the guilt, without the guilt. And that's the thing, I'm human. I still have this little string there. You think, oh, Christie's a badass. Everyone thinks I'm hardcore healed. Look, I'm human. I've come an insane amount of, I've done an insane amount of healing. I've come very far. I am so proud of where I am. I will be honest. Not to toot toot, but man did I let some muck in that I shouldn't have. And I'm finally past that, right?
(18:25)But I let this muck in a little and a few years back, but I let the muck back out. But now it came back and I actually didn't open the door. So that's something to be said here. I didn't really open the door to it. It's so hard to explain without telling the story. But there was an accidental portal that let this person into my life, not into my life, but a conversation that shouldn't have even happened did a, not to my, I didn't willingly go there. Okay, we'll say that, but I had to say, okay, how can I avoid that? It will even happen by accident. That's the difference. So I've come far. I want to protect my own mental wellbeing, my peace, my family at all costs. I read this book called The Best. Yes. And it really changed my life. I've probably mentioned it 40 times on my YouTube and everything else.
(19:36)It's by Lisa and I always forget her last name. LYSI believe you can get on Amazon, I highly recommend it. But if you're a God person especially, but you can also read it and kind of view the God parts as higher self or whatever higher being you believe in. But it is about the best. Yes, what is most important? And it basically your immediate family. Well, God's first always, right? God, your immediate family and yourself. And so it was really helpful in me releasing guilt around putting yourself, your family God first. And that sounds silly, saying it out loud, but when you have all this pressure to be good and be nice and this and that to everybody no matter what, and be even godlike in a way, but God doesn't want us to put up with all that. He doesn't want us to suffer. Yes, help people be there for people, right? Honor your family. Honoring your family does not mean taking abuse. I want to say that again on or ring your family does not mean taking abuse of any kind. Write it down, smoosh it on your mirror. I don't know. Get a tattoo on your forehead. It's serious. Okay, so honoring. I know a lot of us who are Christians look at like, well, it's blood, it's family.
(21:15)And maybe someone can throw me a supporting verse here. I know I've seen them. I'm so bad at remembering Bible verses. I've read the Bible. I know general ideas of that there are supporting verses, but I don't know offhand. I would love to spit one out at you right now. But all I know is honoring your family is not honoring abuse. So whatever form that comes in, just that's a no from us, that's a no. Okay? So I just want to share what I'm going through to kind of personify how it can be, even if it's not specifically like a narcissist, but there are people narcissistic traits. I mean, so this person, I do feel like they only think inside their own heads, which a lot of people do. And especially if there's a high intense situation going on, a stressful, they're having a stressful time in their lives.
(22:26)It is normal, I think, or human, maybe not normal, to really just be all about yourself. Which that part I can understand. I can have grace on that. I have grace with a lot of people who have their heads up their own butts, even my own very close friends, and they have big moments of it sometimes. And I'm like, you know what? It's that kind of world. And I love them. And I try to see past that to their good traits. I have friends with a lot of great traits. So it's like, okay, nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I have my head up my own butt moments. But the difference is if my head's up my own butt or I'm in my own head thinking about what I'm going through, guess what I'm not going to do? I'm not going to yell at someone.
(23:13)I'm not going to call them names. I'm not going to make them feel like a horrible person. I'm not going to curse, raise my voice any of that. That's not going to happen. Am I perfect? Does that happen? If someone comes at me and I defend myself possibly, it is rare. It is very rare. I can think of only two people in my life that it has gotten to that level where I went to a space of what is unhealthy communication. They came at me loud and cursing, and usually I don't get loud. Usually I'll do more of a, and I don't even know about cursing, but I will almost like a condescending kind of tone. I'm like, okay, yep. How's that feel? Does that feel good? Get that out. Okay. Feels delicious, doesn't it? Stuff like that where I should just maybe hang off the phone, right?
(24:13)But I'm like, oh yeah, I don't know. That's my reaction. So we're all working on ourselves, but like I said, that is extremely rare. And not to say anyone can make you act a certain way. I was about to say, well, there's only two people that make me act like that. No, no, no. Back it up, sister. I will tell on myself right now, that's a cop out. I control my emotions or I control how I handle situation. So I've learned, okay, so now I have it in my head. Nope. If that person curses and yells at you, which now this person I don't talk to, I am telling you this is the disconnection. But earlier when they did that, then it's like, okay, now if you hear that, you just hang up the phone. Nobody has any right to talk to you that way.
(25:04)And we tolerated so much because we're used to it. We thought, oh, it's just, that's just, oh, we're Italian or we're this and no man, no. If it feels really bad in your body, I get joking around. I have tough skin, people can pick at me. I have friends that we rag on each other. It's in fun. It's not the same. This is, I'm telling you, someone's being not kind to you on purpose with a purpose to make you feel like crap or it's their own shit and they're just word vomiting because they have to get it out of them. I feel like it's poison sometimes. Some people are like, they're made of poison, right? This person I'm thinking of, they have always been poison. The day I met them, they were poison, right? And so I feel like they just spew out poison and you might be in the wake of it, and you don't have to be, don't put up with poison.
(26:04)Okay, I'm going to get a little bumper sticker. Don't put up with poison. Don't take the bait. That's another one of the things I say all the time, right? Don't take the bait. I took the bait by even opening my mouth to defend myself. You don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to come back with a sassy comment. You just hang up. You just get out, get out of there. Protect your peace Bubble baby bee. Alright, 25. Dang, this bee can roll at the mouth. Is that a thing? I'm just making stuff up now. Anyway, it's been a lovely little car ride around my neighborhood with you. I hope the audio's okay. I'd love you to join my Facebook page. Tell me if you got any little golden nuggets or just feeling comfort that someone out there is also going through what you're going through.
(27:00)This was not so much tips and tricks, but just me sharing a little bit because everyone likes to hear a little share. I think I did when that woman who I was listening to just said she was just going to be sharing her journey as she goes through this transition in her life, whatever. I was like, oh, okay. I'm here for it. I hope you guys are having a fabulous week and definitely share this out to anyone you think it could benefit. Just this podcast as a whole. I know this particular podcast episode may not be the most listened I have, but I don't really care about that. But I do care about reaching more people with this narcissistic abuse podcast. I do feel like I want to start getting into some more episodes. I know I did so many. I felt like, what else do I have to say? There's so much information I put out and I'm very proud of this. But now I'm seeing the listens are starting to quadruple on some episodes. So I'm like, man, this is really a needed thing. What else can I do? So also in the Facebook group, any episodes you'd love me to do, let me know. All right, love you guys. See you in the next episode. Don't forget to follow.

How to Accept a Narcissist’s Behavior

This week, let's talk about Tips on how to accept a narcissist's behavior
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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)My beauties, how are you? Okay. I have been off. I have been vacationing and I also went to the lake with my group of friends, and I wanted to just slide this in here in the intro. How important it is to find very supportive, upbeat, uplifting people that do not gossip, who aren't negative, who don't bring you down to have in your life. It's so important to surround yourselves with good freaking people. I can't tell you the difference in my life now from 15 years ago. I'm not saying all my friends were negative, but there were some people that I had to walk on eggshells around that brought me down. And now having a solid group of friends that just were there for each other and always positive and not like. Talking other people and doing things and doing fun things and doing good for others, it's just such a game changer. Speaker 1: (01:05)Like relationships are seriously a huge key to healing and to just living an amazing life. So maybe we'll talk about that next week, but for now today, I have gotten this question from multiple people in different ways. It's been said in different ways, but how do you accept that the narcissists are the way they are? How do you, you know, 'cause it's hard. You're like, you don't get it because you're not that way. So it's, it's awful because they're awful, but it's even more awful because we can't even understand how on earth someone could be like that or treat people like that when we're finally like seeing it for what it is, or on the other side, right? Just the thought of how they treat us or other people can give us that visceral reaction. I've been there and it boils your blood. And then they can set you off if you still have to have them in your life. Even if you're like, I know I don't want them. I, let's say you're divorced or they're a family member, but you feel like you can't fully disconnect whatever it is, you still have to have that connection. So you have to see them or hear from them, at least here and there. That visceral reaction when they say or do certain things, will haunt you. So we're gonna talk about some tips that I've done in my own personal life in dealing with this stuff and hopefully can help you. Speaker 1: (02:28)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy.(02:51). I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (03:25)Alright, so let's dive in. Accepting that narcissists are the way they are, can be challenging. 'cause again, it's awful, especially if you've had personal experiences with them, which is why you guys are here. So here's some steps to help you navigate the process. Number one, and this helped me in a big way, is educating yourself. So that's what you're doing here. I definitely talk about why narcissists are the way they are or why they do certain things, right? Those are, in some of my episodes, you can dig you. I mean, there's a whole plethora. You can go on TikTok, you can go on Google, you can listen to podcasts, you can read books, right? Just make sure it's from a credible source. But understanding the psychological roots and the traits associated with them can give you a little more insight into first just why they do what they do, right? Speaker 1: (04:14)Because if you just know a narcissist is a certain way, it's like, that's awful. Why would anyone be that way? So you dig into the why's, and if you work with me one-on-one, we can go even further into that. So it depends, you know, people talk to me about all sorts of things, and that is sometimes we really delve into that because it is important that you understand. Number two, recognizing you cannot change them. Let's say that one again. You cannot change a narcissist. You have to accept, you cannot change their behavior or personality. I mean, this should go for most people. I don't wanna change anybody. I don't want to be in a relationship where I really have to change someone. Yes, you might have compromising whatever, but I wanna throw that as a general rule. Let's not try to change people or be changed, right? Speaker 1: (05:00)And narcissists, yes, it'd be great if they changed because they're generally awful. So I'd just letting you know that's not possible. It is not possible. So narcissists typically have deeply ingrained patterns of this thinking of this behavior. That is it. It's just they're set in their way so much, it's so deeply ingrained. They have themselves convinced of all the things we see. Even if we see like a touch of good or good times, that's either a mask or they're in a very vulnerable moment, which is very rare, and they will not stay in that moment for long. I've experienced that. And that's when we can kind of get our heartstrings pulled or, or like pulled back in. Usually it is actually very manipulative and it's calculated on their end if they are seemingly good and have that mask on, right? So they have a tendency to lack empathy, okay? Speaker 1: (05:53)That's not something they have inside of them and self-awareness. So if they're not self-aware, they're not going to change. That's why narcissists are one of the most least likely people that suffer from mental disorder to actually change because the lack of self-awareness and the lack of empathy, right? They're very disconnected. So it's extremely hard to try to get them to change. I would say I, I, I can't, don't quote me on this, but I'd say it's like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0. I could get all the zeros 0.1% that they can change. Never even worth it to try to get to that. By the time you would get there, it probably wouldn't even happen. But if you did, you'd be 95 and there goes your life. Okay? We don't have time for that. Number three, setting realistic expectations. So adjusting your expectations when interacting with them. You could use the gray rock method for this. Speaker 1: (06:51)Please go search. I will try to remember to link the gray rock method, uh, episode I have, but recognizing that their behavior might not align with the typical social norms and preparing for that. So the first part of this is preparing for that, preparing, knowing they're gonna be self-centered, they're gonna be an. Like we shouldn't be surprised at this point, guys. And what do you do? That's the little I'm adding in a little. What do you do with that? Is the gray rock method? Okay, they're manipulative. Expect all those things. Go and expecting it. Don't go in thinking, well, maybe they're gonna be nice today, they can wear a mask. Sure, but I wouldn't expect it. Never go in expecting it. Number four, establish your boundaries. So establishing and maintaining strong personal boundaries when dealing with narcissists is key. The only thing you can control is yourself and your boundaries. Speaker 1: (07:49)Like you cannot control these people no matter what you say or do. If you have like one minute of control because they're desperate to keep you or something. It's, it's a very short window where they will even wear that mask. They can only do it for so long. So you have to set your boundaries, limit your exposure to them. I mean, if you know me, I'm gonna remind you my number one advice with a narcissist is do not be involved with a narcissist. Period per, if you have to, you need to limit any exposure to them. That is not necessary. That means if you are co-parenting, yes, you're going to have to talk to them at some point. I would document everything, keep it on email, or you can get those apps where you can share it with your, um, attorneys. So they're watching everything that they say. Speaker 1: (08:38)You have to, I think both sign off on that in your paperwork, but limiting your conversations and communications with them and really keeping it very low engagement is so important. That will protect you from the emotional harm. Again, if you have to have contact, there's that gray rock method. Number five, don't take it personally. Guess what? This is never about you. And this is what so many of my clients come in feeling. What did I do wrong? Wrong? Why did this person pick me? Sure, you may have traits that you're a loving, awesome, amazing person, which drew them in, but that's not a fault and that's not something we want to change about you, right? So understand their behavior is not a reflection of your worth or your value. Their actions are honestly driven by their own insecurities. And if you've been studying narcissism or a little more now, you know that. Speaker 1: (09:38)But a lot of people don't think that. A lot of people think narcissists are very confident, no deep, deep down in their black hole of a soul. . If they are highly insecure and they need validation, and that means they need control. And what are narcissists always looking for control or trying to get control back, right? They're, they're checking in, do I have control? If not, how can I get it back? So always remember those things, but do not take it personally. It's never, ever, ever, ever about you. They're gonna behave like to anyone that they get as their closest victim in their relationships. I mean, trust me, if you are involved with the narcissist, you've seen the side and they can put on a great fake face out in society and in their community and they maybe they're charismatic and loved by all, anyone who spends an a good amount of time with them will see that they are. Speaker 1: (10:32)Okay? It's not you honey, it ain't you. Number six, of course, this is the hard one. This is like what we're kind of talking about, managing your emotions. So you actually have to practice emotional self-regulation when you are interacting with them. So they do these attempts to provoke you, right? They want a reaction. Knowing that was part of half my battle. It's like, wait, now I know they actually are looking for a reaction because they want control. They wanna know they're on top. So that almost emboldened me more to be like, mm-hmm. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. No, I'm not. So that really did help me to maintain my composure, right? And just, I would count in my head sometimes. I'd like, all right, breathe. He wants control. What are we gonna do? We're not gonna give it to him. We are not gonna give him the satisfaction and it's not gonna be good for me. Speaker 1: (11:23)Because the more you react, the faster that ball of hell just spins, right? And then there's the more engagement. You're taking the bait. What do I always say? Don't take the bait. 'cause the second you take that bait, you get wrapped in that rapid fire hell that that they control. And then you're out of control. So you have to say, do I wanna let this person gain control of me or I, or do I wanna keep my together? Take some breaths. And we've done a lot of episodes here on yoga, meditation, talking about all that. So go binge to find out about the nervous system regulation. There's episodes specifically on that. Um, but managing your emotions during the conversations, it takes practice. But I highly recommend it. Again, if you can have little to no contact, that's the best. Number seven, seeking support. I always talk about this 'cause it's so important. Speaker 1: (12:19)I could not have been where I am without it. So find a therapist who has been through narcissistic abuse themselves. If not, here I am. Here I am. I'm with you. Unfortunately, I've gone through it. I've gone through it and oh, my life is so much better. And this is why I do what I do, because I want people who have gone through this abuse, people who are going through this, that get that visceral reaction that just want to finally gain peace. Gain peace. I want you to have that joy and that freedom and that peace. So if you're ready for that, look in the show notes. Sign up with me for a one-on-one sesh, and let's do this because without help, it is very hard. I'm just gonna be honest with you. It is, it's very difficult. So whether that's a therapist, me talking to friends and family obviously helps, but unless someone's been through it and they're on the other side, it's just not going to get you that much further in your journey. Speaker 1: (13:15)So are you ready? That is the question you have to ask yourself, right? Are you ready? You might have to change your life a little bit. I was right at that point. I'm like, I do. I will do anything to get rid of these feelings and have peace and joy, like give it to me. So I signed up, I did a uh, therapist, and then I worked with a life coach, and I did a lot of my own work. And now I'll be honest, I know I'm a better support than even my therapist was Nothing against her. She was great. So she was great. But what I know and what I've been through is so much more, and I'm either even further along than she is in her journey. And I know that for a fact. Again, it's nothing. We're all on our own timeline, right? Speaker 1: (13:58)But, so I know how helpful I can be in someone's journey and how much I can accelerate your journey. So yes, go, go sign up for that fi first call. Number eight, practice empathy. This one, it's tricky, right? We're talking about all this stuff and like, oh wait, but I, I'm supposed to empathize. I will say this though. This does not mean you have to forgive and forget and have a relationship with this person. Having empathy for me looks like this. I pray for this person. One specifically in my life. I pray for them. I pray that they find peace and healing. I understand their brain was not created in the same way. I don't understand it all. Is it chemical? Is it environmental? Is it both? Maybe all of the above, right? That to me, it's sad. I have empathy for it. It doesn't matter enough for me to say, Hey, that's okay. Speaker 1: (14:52)Well, and give it an excuse. That's not it. You can empathize and say, that really sucks. This person has to live like this every day of their lives. I feel horrible for this person. I do. I look at their life and I'm like, man, what an awful life to live like this every day. To the point, you're that miserable with yourself. You're that in need for validation and control. It's sad. It is sad to watch. It's not my though. So don't be fooled. I'm not going to let that person take advantage of me. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with that person. I do have empathy and I do pray for them. So you can practice your version of empathy if that might help you, right? It doesn't excuse it again, but sometimes it can help you see them as a more complex individual with their own struggles. Speaker 1: (15:40)You know me Number nine is self-care. Self-care. Self-care. Girl queen, queen bee. You have to prioritize your own wellbeing. So engage in activities that bring you joy. Practice mindfulness. You know, I'm all about that yoga, that yin yoga, especially meditation, things that slow you down where you might be uncomfortable at first, but bust through it. It's worth it. Trust me. Exercising and anything honestly that like brings you joy. It's simple singing. Like take a class. I'm gonna start back up actually with voice lessons again, I love to sing and I haven't been practicing as much, so I'm like, Ooh, I really wanna do something again. Like I need, I need another class, but I'm gonna probably join a gym this year. I do different things for exercise and movement, whatever. I'm gonna join a gym. They have a bunch of classes, they have a swimming pool. Speaker 1: (16:36)So excited for that. I'm like, I'm gonna do something else. So I'm gonna do sing voice lessons again too. I love singing. What do you love to do? Do a class, get, get in front of other people. Connect. I'm telling you again, connection relationships are so, so important. And just having support in your life in general and when you've been through abuse, surrounding yourself with loving amazing people is that it's so freaking healing. It's, it's awesome. Number 10, like I said, consider limiting the contact. How do we do that to actually get there? It's more than this episode can take us. So if you work one-on-one with me, we dive deeper into all of these things. I talk about. We, there's a lot of the touching on, oh, what do you do? But like we go deeper into the how. How do we actually do these things, right? Speaker 1: (17:27)That is the stuff that takes some more time. It takes a one-on-one coaching. So if you are ready, if you are ready to get peace in your life and stop feeling how you're feeling, go sign up. Link is in the show notes as always. Let's do that first call and break through and at least get that first stepping stone into your amazing future, future, future. All right? I'm still on vacation. Crazy mode. All right, you guys, thank you so much for listening. Please leave a review if you have not and you're on Apple. Go ahead and leave a review and make me so happy and would help. It will help my podcast get to more people and we wanna help everybody we can. So do that. Sign up for a one-on-one session with me and I will see you in the next step.

The Reason Your Nervous System is Always in Overdrive After Narcissistic Abuse

This week, let's talk about The Reason Your Nervous System is Always in Overdrive After Narcissistic Abuse
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still She Thrivesa with Christy. Okay, today's episode is going to be pretty short, but it's gonna be important. It is important, and it's something I just want to share with you guys because it might seem simple, but it's something that I didn't really get till it just kind of clicked one day of like, this makes sense. So stay tuned to hear the reason that your nervous system is always in overdrive. If you've been through narcissistic abuse, Speaker 2: (00:34)Hey Speaker 1: (00:34)Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:32)Okay? So like I said, I've always felt like even after I have cut the narcissist out of my life, I still felt tense. I still felt stressed out, overwhelmed. Like just that my nervous system was so, so out of balance. And I'm like, well, I'm out of the situation. Was there a lot of peace that came from that? Yes, but it felt like this underlying thing and I was like, maybe I was just like born with anxiety, right? Like all these things came through my head. And then as I started to learn more about narcissism myself and go further in my journey, I realized, okay, so even though your body knows when you've left a certain situation, you're out of an abusive situation, toxic situation, whatever you wanna call it, you know you have peace, you can feel a difference. But if you are like me and all of my clients, even after you are out of the situation, you can still feel on edge. Speaker 1: (02:26)You still have this underlying stress, you question yourself. There's all sorts of things that when your body is not in alignment and is dysregulated, when your nervous system has been blown like that, it can totally shift things around in many ways. The thing is, when you're outta the situation, your body has an imprint. Your mind has an imprint, and it doesn't necessarily know that you are safe. It might have an idea you're out of this situation on a surface level, but there is this deep imprint of not feeling safe, even though there's knowledge of it, it's almost like it's stuck in that fear as well of it could come back, right? And, and we have those thoughts even on a more surface level where, oh, I might not trust again or this might happen again, right? Because our bodies are stuck there. So we are stuck in the trauma of our relationship, whether that be romantic, whether it be family, relationships, friendships, whatever it is, our mind, body, and spirit can all be still stuck there in many ways. Speaker 1: (03:37)When I understood that, like I really understood, I am stuck back there, even though I'm here, it helped me get clarity and kind of more motivation to like, okay, I need to dig into all of these three areas of my life, right? The body, I need to do some work on my body. I started doing the yoga, the meditation, right? The mind, we do therapy, talk therapy, affirmations, all, there's all sorts of therapies we can get into, right? And then the mind, the body and the spirit, right? So that for me, that that's some God stuff. Whatever sort of spiritual work. If you're a universe person, a god person, I don't, I don't care who it is, I don't care who your higher power is, it helps to have one. If you don't have one, dismiss this part, it's fine. Um, most important is that whatever parts of your body have been affected, you need to help each and every one of those. Speaker 1: (04:37)Are they related and entangled to a degree? So they affect each other? Yes. But I've noticed I really had to do specific work in each quote section of myself. If you have been following me, you know, I have a lot of episodes on how to help the healing process or start, sorry, start the healing process, right? How to start with the yin yoga with the meditation. And I give you ideas, but I can't say everything. I try to get give you guys as much information as I can, but if you truly want to get the best results and you want the accountability that helps with that, for me, that's what I love. I have a coach now. I had a therapist before. Um, I love to have accountability. It just, it helps me a lot. Most people do better with accountability. So if you're that person, this may be the time. Speaker 1: (05:30)Like if you are feeling dysregulated, if you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, burnt out, tired, questioning yourself, your confidence is. You're wondering if you'll ever be able to feel happy again. Or maybe you never really have felt happy, but you see other people and you want that peace is the goal for us, right? Like, that is my word. And I, I feel like that goes for all of my clients at some point have said, I want peace. And that is what I help you get. I help you gain the tools, keep the accountability, and really do the work in a fun way. This doesn't have to be dark and hard and scary. Are there gonna be moments? It's like, oh, okay. Like, yes, you have to sacrifice a little time, but if you, if you are telling me you wanna prioritize your piece, then you have to prioritize it. Speaker 1: (06:22)That means you have to spend some time on it, right? You can't just take a magic pill. Maybe you can take a, um, pill that masks it, it a little, but then you're also maybe numbing other parts of yourself. I'm not saying I'm anti-medication, I'm just saying doing this work with all of my clients has been epic and I've had multiple clients get off medication after working with me. I'm not saying that's a promise, I'm just saying I, I just see the results. And when you are working with me, we are going to go into all three areas of your life that are dysregulated. Odds are it's all three, and we're going to make it a fun process of healing. So if you're interested, I want you to sign up for my journey to peace Call. We go in, we dive deep, I give a lot. Speaker 1: (07:13)I love you guys. I want you to feel better and find peace and freedom. That's my jam. And I want you to be able to feel like I feel now. It's amazing on the side, and I know how it feels to be on the other side. And that's why I do this, because I want you to grab my hand and say, yes, I am ready. So are you ready to prioritize your piece? Are you just sick of this? If you are, go into my podcast notes, click on that link. Maybe you've been hearing this a couple times and you're like, I don't know. Oh, it's summer, whatever. Go ahead. Sign up for the first call and then we can go from there and really dive in and make your life amazing. Imagine how that would feel if you could feel regulated, if you could feel calmer, if you could have more confidence, more trust in yourself, more trust in other people, or trust in the fact that you can find amazing people to surround yourself with, that you end up knowing that you're a good role model for your kid if you have children. Speaker 1: (08:18)There's so many things that you are probably missing in your life, and life is short. And I, it kills me to watch people put off this healing, put off this journey 'cause it's so worth it. And I make it fun. It's fun. Ask any of my clients. We have fun. Um, so I do, I care about you guys. I want you to heal if you are ready. I want people who are ready, not like half-assed. I want the people that are like, I'm ready to do this. I wanna heal. And I know that I can get peace. I just, I just need help knowing how to get there. And maybe the accountability as well is hard for you. So that's what I'm here for. I'm so excited. I want to help you on your journey. So go click that link and sign up for your first one-on-one call with me. Let's do this.
 

5 Ways to Deal with Self-Doubt and Identity Confusion After Narcissistic Abuse

This week, let's talk about 5 Ways to Deal with Self-Doubt and Identity Confusion After Narcissistic Abuse
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we're talking about the last part of this series, how narcissistic abuse affects your psychological wellbeing. And there's a lot. There's been a lot. This series has gone on and it is the last one. We're ending with a bang here talking about dealing with self doubt, doubt, , and identity confusion. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:28)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:26)All right? We're gonna talk about that identity confusion, the self-doubt. We know if you have been a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you can have a lot of self-doubt. Shame, we've touched on that. And the identity confusion is real. What does that mean? Well, this means you start to may not even recognize yourself in a relationship, right? Who you are, your values, your beliefs, even your own thoughts and memories can get foggy. You can feel like you're crazy because of the gaslighting that narcissists have done to you. It can make you question everything. Your self-esteem can plummet. There's a whole lot that goes on with your identity and who you are when you are in a narcissistic relationship. This does not have to be just romantic. This can be a sibling, a parent, it can be someone you're, you know, co-parenting with an ex. This can be a friendship. Speaker 1: (02:22)This can be the mailman if you're real close to him, okay? That'd be a little weird if you're that close with your mailman. But hey, he brings some good. All right, so let's dive in to talk about what can you do to deal with this stuff. If you are suffering from feeling like you don't even know who you are anymore, you come out of a relationship and you're like, now what? Who am I? I don't even know what I want and don't want. I don't know which direction to go. Help. I get this question a lot as a coach, a lot of people come to me and that is the first thing. They're like, okay, what? Now I'm out of this situation or I'm getting out of it and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm starting over and I'm scared I'm damaged, I'm scared. Speaker 1: (03:04)I don't know who I am. I don't know how to find that person. So let's touch on it. We're not gonna touch on it. Actually, we're gonna go kind of deep 'cause we're gonna talk about five ways. Number one, self-reflection and introspection. You do have to reflect in order to figure out who you are now, who you became, all that stuff. Because sometimes when you're in a relationship, especially if you're living with the person, it's like you're just trying to make it through. You're just trying to make it through the abuse and walk on those eggshells to make you. Don't make sure you don't rattle the cart, all of that. So when you finally get out or you're getting out, this is the time to start to reflect on what has changed. Start to ask yourself questions like, what did change during this time? Who was I before? Speaker 1: (03:55)If there was a before? Because sometimes, look, if we have a narcissistic parent, there was never a before. So you have to then think, okay, what didn't feel good when I was, you know, in this situation, what were some beliefs that just went against my grain? But I went along with how did I, people please questions like this can direct you to figuring out more and more like who you are and what you do believe and what your, your, you know, value system is. What you want to do. You can say, what are my strengths and weaknesses? What do I value in life? That's a huge one to me. We often think about, well, what do I wanna be? Or what do I think I should be? And for me, every day I wake up and part of my prayer in the morning is, God, please help me find joy and peace today. Speaker 1: (04:47)Those are my two words. I like to have feeling goals. Sure I have some goals for my business and this and that, but really I want to feel peace, especially after going through abuse. We need peace. We need to feel free. So how can we find that peace? What makes you feel peaceful? Ask those questions. If you, if you have a feeling goal, like you wanna feel happy or you wanna feel at peace, well, how do you, everyone's different too. Like for me, I wanna sit and stare at a palm tree. I, I literally made my living room look like it's, I don't know, out of Florida. It's got the palm trees. I got more flowers recently. The artwork is very tropical, tropical colors. Um, in my kitchen I have these long curtains that look almost like tropical vines. The pattern I am all about that beach tropical vibe makes me feel very peaceful. Speaker 1: (05:48)So I incorporate it in my home decor. So that's just an example of, you know, you can bring in certain things that bring you peace, but just showing everyone's different. You might love winter, right? I'm talking about seasons here, but it could be anything. You may love the color, like maybe the color aqua for me, this is true. Bring brings you peace. It brings me peace. Aqua reminds me of like water and the beach and whatever. So I love the color aqua. I surround myself with it. So start digging like what makes you feel whatever feeling goal you wanna feel. So first we'll start with just one this week and you can add to it next week. But this week's homework and I want you to email me, what is your feeling goal? What do you wanna feel? Do you wanna feel peace? You wanna feel happy? Speaker 1: (06:34)You wanna feel excited about life? Maybe you're not there. Maybe you just wanna feel not scared. Maybe you just wanna feel that like contentment, right? There is no wrong answer. So figure out what do I just wanna feel? And from there, and you can write me that fierce mamay at Gmail. My email's always in the show notes, so email me your feeling goal and if you wanna go further, you can explore that. How, how can I get there? What brings me that feeling? And you can either save that for your own little journal or you can share that with me as well. 'cause I love, I love hearing this stuff. So start the reflection process. Number two, obviously support is great. We've talked about that a trillion times almost on every episode about how important support is. This can be your friends, family members, but someone who you trust, right? Speaker 1: (07:32)Not, not the people who you have to walk on eggshells around. Not the people you're just like, I don't know if they're on my side or not. It's a mutual friend of your narcissist. Nah, I'm talking about someone. If you have them who you feel very close and safe with and they always look out for you, that is who you would open up to to seek support from. And talk about these feelings of self-doubt, identity. You could ask them questions like, what do you think my strengths are? You know, to kind of direct you into exploring something that will bring you this quote, new identity, the u two point i that I talk about, right? But sometimes an outside perspective besides someone you know, such as a therapist, a coach like me, someone who is familiar with narcissism is important, can help you see yourself in a different light. Speaker 1: (08:27)I always say the favorite part of my job is when I see that moment, that shift where my clients go from feeling like crap about themselves, lower confidence, not really sure who they are, scared to take the next step when they shift into like seeing them how I see them. And even just starting to see that, I can see that shift. And that is literally why I do this, because I get choked up every freaking time it happens when I see the confidence coming back or maybe they never had the confidence and they're like, oh my gosh, I actually love myself. I, I feel good about myself. Or I know I wanna take this next step and do this. Like, you know, examples, one of my clients started her own business, like a fashion business, right? Another one went back to school. It goes on and on. Speaker 1: (09:22)And seeing that shift, believing in themselves and getting excited about their journey after going through abuse is, it's just so amazing to watch. So I just love that. So that is something that is important. If you want support and have a co someone to coach you through that, I am here. Check out my, um, options to work with me also in the show notes. But I, I just love taking people through that journey. And it's, it's just such a huge shift when you feel like, oh, I actually am seeing myself more clearly. Now I'm getting clarity and I'm feeling amazing. And it is possible for you. That being said, number three, set realistic goals, right? And how we do this is having a bigger goal and breaking it down. I say sparkle by sparkle, right? Break down that larger goal into smaller, achievable steps because our confidence has been knocked down, right? Speaker 1: (10:23)With abuse. So if we are like, yeah, I wanna make a million dollars by the end of this week. I mean, I know that's extreme, but just giving an example and then we don't get there. That can kind of beat up our self-confidence again, right? So we don't want that for you. So we can say a bigger goal. Let's say you want to, um, become a nurse. You decided, oh, I have this and that and I'm great with people and I've always thought about it, but my ex-husband wouldn't let me work or whatever it is. Let's say you're like, yeah, I wanna go be a nurse. That's a large goal. So break it down this week. What can we do sparkle by sparkle? Just what's the first step you can do to take that? Okay? Look at five different, you know, programs and explore them. Speaker 1: (11:05)Call, call one program this week, whatever it is, whatever you think you can handle that week. And then, you know, it's just step by step, sparkle by sparkle. So having realistic goals and then also celebrating those small successes. So at the end of the week saying like, look at me, I move forward and this is what I do with my clients. I walk them through going sparkle by sparkle. And it's so great every week to be like, they get excited to tell me, yes, I talked to this person, I did this and, and there's this excitement and accountability. So it's again, an amazing experience. But I do say it's bite by bite. Like don't just reach and try to swallow the whole thing. 'cause then you can let yourself down, which can lead to the opposite effect that we want, right? We wanna build that self-esteem. Speaker 1: (11:56)Number four, challenge those negative thoughts. So when you are experienced self-doubt specifically, you might have negative thoughts about yourself or your capabilities. This is where that work comes in. The affirmations that turning things around the talk therapy I do with my clients, right? To counteract those negative thoughts. 'cause we don't have time for 'em. Uhuh, we are trying to be us 2.0 and get that new identity and feel good about ourselves. So we don't have the space for these negative ask thoughts. . So consider the alternative to the negative. And we've talked about this, where you're writing more positive perspectives, you're switching, you know, if there's a certain negative thought pattern you have of, let's see, oh, I I, I can't do that. I'm too old to switch careers. I'm too old to switch careers. Uh, right? That comes in your brain, you start writing down the opposite, right? Speaker 1: (12:50)And you, you go find, I, this is what I do. I go find examples. If I have a negative thought pattern, I try to counteract it with finding real life proof that it is not true. So that's a perfect example. I thought I have had this thought myself when I changed careers actually into coaching. I'm like, well, am I too old to change? Maybe I should just go back. I worked into the television production business and I was like, oh, maybe I should just, you know, stick with television, blah, blah, blah. And then I said, you know, I, I knew I sounded negative and I've always been working on improving and growing. So I was like, all right, I know for a fact there's people out there, even celebrities that started what they're doing late in life. So I googled it and oh my gosh, the amount of celebrities alone that started and changed careers or whatever later in life. Speaker 1: (13:42)It's crazy. And then also my mom, that next week or something, she was telling me about someone who was in her master's program. My mom actually was a good example. She went back to school late in life. Um, but there was someone in her master's, I think it was her, no, it was her undergrad, but she was, you know, older, but they were, I mean like 78 years old, something like that, near 80 years old. And how amazing is that? They were going back to school to do something different. And that just, you look for proof, you can find it. There's always gonna be a story of someone doing something that they wanna do, they've decided to do at any age. And that to me is amazing. So you can do the cognitive behavior techniques with therapists. People like me, you can keep a journal, right, of tracking, like if you're having negative thoughts, writing them and then switching them around. Speaker 1: (14:40)And then of course, I'm big on the affirmations. Like every morning, every night have a set of affirmations. You say that back up what you want to feel and what you want to to believe, and you say it as I am, instead of I wanna believe I can. It's like, no, I am capable. I can change careers at 48 years old, or whatever it is. Okay? So that can help you reframe the negative thoughts. Number five, try new experiences. Yay. I love this one. Not everybody is comfortable doing new things outside their comfort zone, especially if you've just gotten out of a situation. But I'm telling you, pushing yourself does help you kind of push past this cage of self-doubt, this cage of feeling like you don't know who you are. You're gonna try the new things and figure out what you like and don't like and listen to your body. Speaker 1: (15:38)That should have been an extra one. Bonus number six, listen to your body. But we'll get there. So engage in activities or hobbies that interest you but you may have not tried before. New experiences can help you discover the aspects of you that you weren't really aware of. So it can provide opportunities to meet new people. I, I have definitely gained friendships through going to different classes. I do art classes, I've done photography classes. I took guitar. I sucked. But it was fun. I actually signed up for six months, so I had to commit to six months. Still did it. Learned a few notes. Played a little Jimi Hendrix. That was fun. It wasn't my jam. Did photography. Took a couple classes, met some really cool people, like-minded people, artsy creatives, right? So explore, like, this world has so many different things you can do and you just explore and that helps you figure out who you are. Speaker 1: (16:36)If you don't try, you're never gonna know. And that little bonus number six that popped in there, don't forget to listen to your body. Listen to your body. I'm serious. Your body will speak to if you get quiet. That's why I am big on meditation and prayer. You get quiet, you empty your head a little bit, shake it out and listen. You will get more and more in touch with your intuition. You will trust yourself more and you'll be like, yeah, I really like this, or I don't, or something just doesn't feel a hundred percent sometimes. I like the saying, if it ain't a hell yes, it's a hell no. Is that true with everything? No. Do I wanna like cook every single night? No. So, but you know what I'm saying, with certain situations where you do have more choices, . 'cause we do have to feed ourselves, and maybe we don't have the money to have a chef or go out out to a restaurant every night. Speaker 1: (17:33)But let's say things like you meet a specific person or you go and try a new activity and you're like, I mean, I kind of like it. Do I continue? I mean, we can really feel unsure of ourselves after abuse. We, if we were codependent, which most of us us are after narcissistic abuse, you can become codependent. You are really starting to think like other people like you may be so codependent that you're taking on what they like to do, or they're telling you what you like to do or should like to do, right? So this is the time to get in touch with your intuition and by, by getting in touch with your body and listening and being still. And when you feel that stress, when it feels like your shoulders go up or your jaw clench is that's your body saying like, this ain't in sis, this is not it. Speaker 1: (18:25)So listen to your body. All right. So all that being said, hopefully those were helpful. Let me know if you want to email me if you're mama C at Gmail, which is the most helpful to you? Or what do you think you might struggle with? I can give you a little feedback. But remember, it's okay to experience these moments of self-doubt and uncertainty. Okay? That is going to happen. So I want you to give yourself grace. They're a natural part of growth and development. And if you've gone through abuse, then it's, it's gonna definitely be in there. So we're working through that process. So be patient with yourself. Give yourself time and space to explore who the you 2.0 is and what makes you unique. And that's beautiful. It's like so amazing to overcome codependency and realize how amazing you are and that you don't need someone else to be amazing or feel amazing. So with persistence, a little self-compassion, you can overcome self-doubt and gain a stronger sense of yourself. That 2.0 you so love you guys. Let's do a couple affirmations before we leave. All right? Hands on heart, unless you're driving. Take a breath, relax it out, repeat after me, okay? Speaker 1: (19:46)I am amazing as I am. I don't need anyone else to be amazing. I am growing and getting better every day. All righty. And know why, because you are a Speaker 2: (20:11)Queen. Speaker 1: (20:12)Alright, I will see you in the next episode. Have a lovely day night, and don't forget to check out my show notes and chat me up and email if you want.