NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationships

Ep 26 | Does Your Narcissistic Ex Miss You?

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Does Your Narcissist Ex Miss you? When you go no contact, or they dispose of you, are narcissists capable of missing you? Listen to this podcast episode to get the answer!
My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Last episode we talked about going no contact. So I thought, well, why not talk about does your ex narcissist, whether it's romantic friend, family, do they miss you? So we're gonna touch on that in today's episode. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)I have had this question come up a lot. Does my narcissist ex whatever? Miss me. First of all, why do we wonder that? Because a good narcissist loves to keep us wondering, right? And we also know that they don't really function like healthy humans. So we get very confused by their emotions, by their communication. So they're confusing beings. We are left with many, many questions, aren't we? But I would love to clear this question up for you today. Okay, so do they miss you? It is somewhat of a complicated answer, but I'm gonna break it down. We are going to use an analogy. Yay. It's analogy time. Alright, we are going to compare this to a drug addict. Their drug and their dealer. You my friend, were their dealer. The energy they sucked out of you to build themselves up. The control they needed was their drug and they are the addict. Speaker 1: (02:30)So though this hurt me a lot to hear, and I know it hurts people when I talk to my clients about it, it's hurt. It's really hurtful, but it's something once you break through the pain of that, it's like such a relief and really empowering and helps you on your healing journey. But honestly, the narcissist, the drug addict, they don't miss the dealer. They don't miss you. They miss what you provided them, okay? You provided them the control they needed the energy they sucked out of you, right? For their own energy feed. You know, if you have studied narcissism, you know what I'm talking about. So the life they sucked out of you and to build themselves up, right? They miss that. They don't miss you as a person. And of course they miss how you made it easier to get their drug. But once they get a new dealer, let's say they move on in a relationship or if it's a friendship, you'll see they quickly move on to new people. Speaker 1: (03:26)That is a common thing with narcissists. Then they will dispose or stop coming after you, right? Because you know right away they freak out. They're like, oh my drug, my drug, I need my drug. Where's my dealer? And so they will claw you trying to get you back. They will try everything. They will try manipulation, they will try sweetness and flowers and cookies. Was that just me? And then they will get mad if you're not responding to it, not giving them what they want. And they will get angry. I mean, they try guilt trips. They try everything right in the beginning when you disconnect. It is very difficult. But if they get a new quote supply, as we call it that they can supply, deal them their drug, they will forget about you. That's if you get off lucky, it'll be a nice clean break. Speaker 1: (04:11)That's not often the case, but it can happen. So not to say it lasts forever. They may have a split from their new dealer and come back weeks, months, even years later, looking to see if you can give them what you need. If you're still there, if you, if they still have control of you and they will dress it up like it is you and that you are special. And I wanna stop and take a moment and say, you are special. You're a very special, beautiful flower, but you are not special to them. And that is the part that's like, ooh, I know it hurts. So I want you to repeat. I want like your hand on your heart and say I am special , okay? And we're getting cheesy here. I don't care because I want you to feel that you are special just because you're not special to them that means nothing. Speaker 1: (04:53)They don't know how to treat people, right? Nobody's special to them. It has nothing to do with you. They're incapable of appreciating special people. They're incapable of loving the way we do. Okay? So it's nothing to do with you. So I do just wanna stop and let you feel that and know that you are special. And it, that part has nothing to do with you, okay? They don't work like rational, healthy humans who know how to appreciate and love. Okay? So it's all about control to them. I actually have a little story, story time and Christie, this is just an example of how they do move on and get new supply. And then they, whether or not they have it or not like it, it might be kind of working but not as easy to get as it was from you. Maybe look, I'm an empath. Speaker 1: (05:39)Oh my heart strings, forget it. You, you get me with nostalgia. I'm yours. I'm putty in your hands, right? So one of my narcissists knew this about me, right? And I don't know if he had new supply or not, but probably a year or two after we disconnected, they reached out. I had not learned about narcissism. I didn't know really the whole situation. I knew it was toxic. I got out of it, but I didn't know it on a deeper level. And so I did fall prey again, okay? A little story time that not so proud of, but this can be part of our journey, right? So they had forgotten about me, but then they reached out out of nowhere saying they missed me and please could we get together? I had been so strong for so long, moved on and I think they doubted I would, right? Speaker 1: (06:28)But they were just testing. And I had a moment, I had a weak moment. I said, well maybe just for a short little friend leave, is it right? I asked when and what do you know? They said, ah, I'm actually pretty busy the next few months, few months . Okay? So in an instant though, a light bulb went off in my head and it, and it was hurtful, but it also was like, ah ha. And that's when I started to see this isn't about me. They didn't really miss me or they would've jumped at the chance. It was they were checking if they had control. I always will say this, right? There's two things narcissists do. They're either trying to get control of you or checking if they still have control of you. So they were checking if they still had it. I proved that, I guess they did have somewhat of control over me, but you know what? Speaker 1: (07:17)They could have it. I was so excited to be released , because they turn around, right? And were like, oh, I got control. Well that's cool. I don't really need to see you. I was just checking. So then basically it's another disposal. But I was there for it because I realized this is all about control. And now here's the proof, here is the proof. I did not feel special. It made me realize, no, they don't miss me. All that they just said is bs. I'm not special to them. And that hurt. But I also knew I was special. I feel like, what's that? Um, was that Saturday night Live? People like me, I'm special. I don't remember. But anyway, something cheesy that made me laugh years ago. And now I'm 43 in perimenopause and I don't know what's happening anymore in my life, but I do know what's happening with narcissists. Speaker 1: (08:01)Thank goodness for that. They don't miss you. They miss their supply or whatever you were giving them that they needed and they may move on and not need you anymore. And that's a really good thing actually. Okay? So I was happy to be released from the web. You know that web of the narcissist, it is sticky, it's awful. And though painful to like kind of know you're not special. It was painful, but it was liberating to realize it was never about me. That actually, as much as it can hurt, it can set you free. So it took time to believe though, just cuz I was not special to a narcissist didn't mean I was not special. I mean, there's a lot of confidence stuff that goes on, guys that we have to deal with, with narcissists. I mean, they do a really damaging job on our self-esteem. Speaker 1: (08:52)So it's taken a a while to build that up faster than I thought I could. Though I have gotten to a great spot, I still have my moments. I'm not gonna lie, I still have moments and that's okay. I'm so much better off and more free and more at peace. And it's just so much better on this side of the fence. Like I will, I will take it, I'll take, I'll take those little moments rather than walking every day trying to get validation and walking on eggshells. I know you know what I'm talking about. So, so it took a while to just accept like everyone else in this world, I am special and deserving. And worthy too, right? And I already had people, other people around me that did think I was special and important and valuable, you know? So open your eyes to that too. Speaker 1: (09:37)And also when you do disconnect from a narcissist, you do open yourself up and have more time for better people, more uplifting people, people that love you and don't wanna change you often, especially when we have gone through narcissistic abuse, we focus so much on who is not giving us what we need, wanting their validation that we ignore the people that do find us amazing. So does your narcissist ex-spouse, partner, friend, family member miss you? Nope. No. It is always about them and their needs. But you are freaking awesome and special to others and to yourself and to the big man upstairs. What? Yes, if you're a God person, that is important, remind yourself of that every single day if you're not, and be important to you or whatever higher power you feel a part of, because we're not put here to suffer and we are valuable every single one of us. Speaker 1: (10:41)So it is time to let go of anybody who makes you question yourself. Anybody? You with me? Good. You need to be appreciated. You are worthy of great things and you are special. You're just one of us Queens. Welcome to the club. All right, see you on the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christyade fun.

Ep 25 | The Benefits and Challenges of Going NO CONTACT with a Narcissist

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Yes, Queens. On today's episode, we are going to talk about going no contact. Ooh, this is my fire. I love this, but I know it can be difficult. So we're gonna talk about the challenges and the benefits. And on Thursday we're gonna talk about does your ex miss you during the no contact period? Ooh, ooh, the suspense. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:47)First things first. I never list. Now that's not it. First things first, how to go no contact. Okay, so this is I I mean it's pretty simple. No contact as far as what it actually means. It's very straightforward. It is going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you know you are going to be a healthier being if you do not have contact with them. If you absolutely cannot and you are co-parenting or something of this sort, you have to go to my Gray Rock method episode. I will link it below. I think it's episode five, but not sure. So I will link it, um, in my show notes. Alright, so going no contact. First of all, narcissist. Uh, they can really deflect. They can twist things. You know, they're manipulators. So one thing you have to be is very, very, very clear in what your decision is. Speaker 1: (02:37)You have to communicate this to them. You cannot do it all. If you're that strong, more power to you, as I've learned, I think it's more beneficial to state very clearly and simply what it is. So I, you could say something like, I am no longer going to be in communication with you of any kind. Please do not contact me. Now the next one, block all forms of communication. You're saying you do not want to contact them. You have made this decision, you need to mean it. And what helps you do that is blocking them. That can feel awful inside. Blocking seems like a really horrible thing, but horrible people, horrible decisions sometimes result in things that are not so comfortable that we are put in a situation where we have to do them. Such as blocking. It is not to be mean to somebody else. Speaker 1: (03:28)It is blocking to protect your peace. If you are on this journey or, and you're saying, I really want peace, I really wanna be fully disconnected from this person, then this truly is the way to ensure that obviously blocking their email, blocking their calls, blocking their texts, blocking their messenger. What are we in 1999? AOL Messenger? No, but any of the messenger apps on Facebook, Gmail, TikTok, wherever you are, all the social medias, whatever way there is a way for them to contact you, put a wall between you because you no longer want that communication. Right? Right. You ha, I'm telling you, you have to really mean it for this to work. Another reminder is to avoid triggering situations because this can can make us waiver where we're feeling strong and we're like, yeah, look at me. I block that mouth all over town. Everywhere. Speaker 1: (04:21)Yeah. And then we get into a triggering situation and all of a sudden we get that little softer side coming out. We're like, oh man, well maybe, maybe I should just unblock to know if they, if there's an emergency or to know, I mean they might. Maybe they're having a hard time. We start to go down a spiral. So try to avoid triggering situations that could lead to that where your heart strings feel tugged at. Don't be going looking at your cute little memories in your photo albums. Does anyone even have photo albums? I am showing my age. I'm 43. I might have some photo albums. Okay, don't go scrolling in your Facebook memories. Is that more modern and up to date peeps? I said peeps to be cool, but you get my point. Don't put yourself in triggering situations. That could be, oh, reaching out to their sister. Speaker 1: (05:13)You're just checking in to see how she is. No, maybe you're just reaching because you are missing them even though it may seem wrong. This is natural that we miss people even when we decide to cut them out of their lives. So it's like having a little access to the person. Maybe you're asking their cousin, oh, have you seen Dean? How's he doing? That's a triggering situation cuz they're gonna start talking about, oh well actually his cat passed away. And then you're like, oh, I should unblock my all my stuff so I can just real quick tell him I'm sorry his cat died. Right? No, stay locked up like a box. Alright, the fourth thing in this part here is focusing on self-care. This is a huge part and you can go back through a couple of my episodes that talk about self-care, how I really in my start of this journey when I disconnected what I did to help myself. Speaker 1: (06:10)But self-care is so important just to name a couple of things. Get your exercise, get your sleep, get support. This is so important. I could not have done my journey after the disconnect. Not even just through it, but after, cuz it's a whole new life. It's a whole, I mean it's a recreation of yourself. I could not have done that without support. So if you do want to work with me, I will mention this. I starting in about a month or so, I'm gonna be doing part-time. So I do have a couple of spots open if you wanna work with me. I will put a link again in the show notes. If you are looking to just have one call or have you know several, um, you can get like package deals. So I will put those below. But you really, really should have support again with somebody who understands narcissism. Speaker 1: (07:00)I cannot say that enough, whether it's me or somebody else, someone who gets narcissism. So self-care includes getting support and help. Alright, so let's talk about those challenges of going no contact. Ah, okay. The guilt is really y'all. Let's just start with the biggest one for, I mean that was huge. I had such guilt and it did not help that family members laid on bigger guilt onto me or you. Let's say you're in a romantic situation and maybe it's your in-laws or your friends even, right? Your friends have so much with you and your partner and you all are buddies and hang out all the time and they don't want that to end. They may even guilt you. So you have your own guilt on top of other people's guilt on top of, of course the narcissist guilt. Cuz you know dang well they are going to throw their guilt all up in that, right? Speaker 1: (07:51)So that is especially why I needed the support I did. The guilt was literally like eating me alive. It was really getting to me. Another challenge is loneliness and isolation. First of all, if this is especially like in romantic situations, a lot of times the narcissists will isolate you so you are dependent on them, right? We got the codependency thing thing going. So when, and if you get to have the glory of disconnecting from a narcissist, you feel great and free, but you also are on the other side and you could be lonely because you have been isolated, you have been manipulated into isolating yourself from your friends, from your family, and it's hard enough to deal with any breakup. You're going to feel lonely in ways, right? Because you're used to having this person, especially in narcissistic situations. If you are an empath with a narcissist, you are codependent. Speaker 1: (08:46)That's just gonna happen. And now you have to untether those cords that have been tied for X amount of time depending on your situation. So you've got loneliness and isolation to deal with. Again, why you need support. The third one is potential backlash from the narcissist. And this is tough and I do wanna recommend, I always will put the, um, hotline number, the domestic abuse hotline. I mentioned this now because hopefully the narcissist in your life is not violent. If they are, I do suggest getting support and also calling the hotline number to guide you if there is any sort of dangerous situation you are in, aside from dangerous situation, just narcissist in general, you're gonna get backlash, you're gonna get guilt, you're gonna get maybe name calling. They'll, they will go through a variety of their own emotions. So they may try to win you with being sweet and then when that doesn't work, they may get angry and call you names, then they may threaten you. Speaker 1: (09:43)Then they may do a smear campaign where they are telling other people bad things about you. So there is potential for that backlash again, why you need support . So I know it's like I'm repeating myself, but I really wouldn't have been where I am today without support. It's, it's just my piece was worth every penny. So the last thing here in the challenges is dealing with the trauma that was already there. You are already dealing with trauma. So the good news is this is the start of your healing. When you stay in a situation, you're, you can't heal when you're still in the situation, you can't heal. So that's the good news. You are starting the healing, but you do have to deal with it. So you may have to do therapy, you may have to kind of dig down and see, well what led me to this? Speaker 1: (10:27)How can I avoid situations like this in the future? All of that stuff, which I actually will be putting out a chorus soon. I am so excited about how to avoid narcissistic relationships like ever getting them again. We love that. So I'm really excited about that. So you're gonna deal with that trauma. So it's also the healing. What can you do to heal? That's stuff I work on with clients all the time. There's yin yoga, there's journaling, there's meditation, there's a billion ways to deal with the trauma. I do suggest therapy. I do suggest mindset work, physical work, taking care of yourself as far as your diet and health, all of that. So yes, with anything like this, there's going to be challenges, but I am telling you from my experience, from my client's experiences, the benefits of going no contact and cutting, like truly disconnecting from a narcissist is so worth any challenge. Speaker 1: (11:20)So the first one is regaining control of your life. Being able to not have to walk on eggshells. Being able to make your own decisions, not worrying about what the other person has to think or say. And you know, I know relationships are a compromise, but if you're in a narcissistic situation, you know what I mean, it is like you can't do anything, right? They want you co-dependent on them. They're gonna decide everything for you. And it's, it's really a stressful way to live. So you get to regain control of you. I, I call it you 2.0. Like look, you get to get your life back, right? This isn't just like normal healthy relationships where of course you're gonna compromise, you're gonna change, uh, dynamics change, that's life, right? You have kids, things change. If you're in a narcissistic situation, you know, it goes a lot deeper and I want you to be free of that. Speaker 1: (12:15)The second is healing from the trauma. So we talked about dealing, but you get to heal. So this is your time. You actually get to feel really good and start your mind, body, spirit, all that good stuff. You get to start off on a new track and you really get to start deciding and creating your own life. Like decide is, I love that word because you are deciding, I, I made a decision to get out of this and now I'm deciding who I wanna be now. And in our childhood it's, it's really hard. We have to listen to our parents and we're born into certain situations and there's something beautiful about starting over when you're a little bit older. Like for me, I mean I was like, gosh, 38, 37, 38 when I started to really unravel and see like, wow, I can actually do things my way, how I want in my life. Speaker 1: (13:10)And I felt really free and it's been like a dream. Like I'm creating, I'm still creating it, but I'm still, I'm like creating this dream life that I never thought I could have. And like, God, I want that for you guys. So just have hope. Hold on to that. Hope that you can do that. And it takes some time, but it's quicker than you think. Especially if you have support, especially with me cuz we move fast. I don't like to wait for stuff. I'm a Taurus, I'm going places, I'm running, like we got things to do. We're not gonna like shrivel up and sit and waiver in the past. And I'm not, I'm not doing toxic positivity where it's like, oh, forget it happened. Like, we sit in it a little bit, we have some tears, we do some stuff, but we also say, well I have this pain and I'm not gonna let it dictate my life. Speaker 1: (13:54)I'm not gonna let it take over my life anymore and I'm going to use it as a fire under my butt to have the most amazing life I can cuz I still can, despite everything I can, I'm telling you. So sorry, I get real passionate about that . All right. Now building healthier relationships is a third thing. This is, like I said, I'm gonna build a course around this because this is so important. Not just with romantic relationships though, really one of the beautiful things in my life is when I cut out a specific narcissist out of my life, it just opened my eyes to like, wow, that relationship really took over and I really let that person get away with a lot and I don't wanna do that anymore. And there are other people in my life that even if they're not narcissists, that just the relationships don't really work for me and I've put up with some crap that I really shouldn't, and I see things in a whole new way. Speaker 1: (14:52)It really lifted the veil off. I will say that can be hard because it's, it's almost like once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? And you're like, dang, Gina. Um, so, you know, with everything there, there's an upside and a downside. But the upside was amazing because I did clear out a couple of friendships from my life and I, you know, I wish them well. There's not like hard feelings, but there were certain things that just weren't sitting well in my body and I didn't feel good about. And it's not like I didn't value our past experiences and we had some great times, but there was just some that was not working anymore because I had a new perspective in life. So it's setting new standards for yourself, for your life, new boundaries, all of that, and building healthy relationships. And when you clear out some of those, which you may, it leaves room for people that you didn't even know existed, right? Speaker 1: (15:48)There's people out there that are really supportive and positive and not negative and not draining, and you don't have to walk on eggshells around. And that was really, really cool for me to experience. All right, the last thing here is improving your mental health kind of with the healing from trauma. It's, it's such an amazing feeling when you start to get your confidence back when you're building this 2.0 version of yourself. It is, it's magical. And I know I sound cheesy, but welcome to me it's just this magical experience of, of empowerment. I mean, that's the only, that's such an overused word, but I, for the first time in my life, and the, and this is just in the last few years, you guys, the first time in my life, I actually feel powerful over my own life and my own choices. And it's, it's just, it's inexplicable. Speaker 1: (16:42)And again, I want you guys to experience that. All right? So I also really want you guys to meet other like-minded people. So this is a reminder that I have a Facebook group for women only on Facebook. I always link it in my show notes, but join that. You will get a free gift from me there. But you can also build community on that page of other women going through what you have going, what you know, whatever stage you're in, there's people in there that have gone through it as well. So I'd love you to join that page. So in conclusion, we'll have a little recap. We talked about how to go no contact, the challenges of going no-contact, the benefits which far outweigh the challenges. I'm telling you of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is a different story. I want you to call that 800 hotline in the show notes and really prioritize your self-care and your healing and yourself and get the support you need. Speaker 1: (17:38)I am here. There's therapists out there again, there is that domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to be physically abused to use that phone number, okay? Just a reminder that going no contact, it is a brave and empowering choice. And it might be scary and it might feel crazy and it may still be hard to do. You might have done it a year ago, but you get sucked back in here and there. I get it. I have been there. I understand it is a very, very hard thing to do. The fact you try or trying it all shows your strength. So keep fighting for this. And if you need to replay this 11 times to help, just do that. Whatever you gotta do, reach out to me. You can always email me my emails in the show notes too. And remember, you are brave. You are amazing. And dang girl, you are beautiful. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www. christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

Ep 24 | How to Beat a Narcissist at Their Own Game

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello. So the last episode, we talked about the signs of gaslighting, and today we're gonna talk about if you're being gas lit, five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, does that narcissist got you down? They often use gaslighting as a tactic to take control, right? So I'm gonna talk about five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. First of all, stand firm in your truth. This is where they can make you feel so crazy. You've got to really be confident in the truth and know, okay, this is a narcissist, or this is a person who is trying to gain control so they will go to any length to make me be convinced that their story is the truth and mine is not okay. So you have to stand really firm in that and don't waiver in your conversations with them and even just in your own mind. Number two, and I preface this with, I come from a family of lawyers. Everyone is very big on documenting everything, writing everything down. Speaker 1: (02:29)It has saved me in many a situation. I mean, legally, personally, I, I write everything down and I, with narcissist specifically, I'm going to say, I've said it before, I am very passionate about this. If you are in, let's say, a co-parenting situation with a narcissist, do not have calls on the phone. If possible, have everything through email and through text. You can go through your lawyers and, um, ask them to make this an, you know, an addendum or add it to your, um, you know, custody papers. You should not have to contact them or them contact you about anything other than your children if it is a custody situation. Cuz in my mind, if you can avoid being in touch with a narcissist at all, we'd love to avoid that. So these situations, you're forced. If you do have someone in your family, you do not feel ready to disconnect totally from, or you have a boss or coworker that you think may be a narcissist, these are ways to help you. Speaker 1: (03:33)I of course, will always say, if you can get away from the narcissist, get away from the narcissist. That's the only way to really beat the narcissist . Okay, so we talked about standing in your truth and writing it down, right? Seriously, I take no risks with the narcissist and of course deal with them as little as possible. That being said, number three is that contact should be short and sweet. So if you do have to have the contact, make it clear and short. You don't have to make it sweet, actually, depending on your situation, you can just be clear and short. I would say also be firm. Like I say, stand in your truth. Don't add fluff. Don't try to use emotion to get them to be compassionate. Sometimes we can do that. Sometimes with narcissists we think, oh, maybe if I explain my feelings deeper or how much they're hurting me, no. Speaker 1: (04:24)First of all, they eat that up for supper. They love it, they want that, but also it won't work on them. Okay? Keep your emotions, that whole emotional part to yourself. Guard it with a cage . This is what we call the gray rock method. This is part of it at least, which in it's episode five, I believe on my podcast, goes deeper into the gray rock method. I will link that in the show notes. Um, but basically it's keeping things short and sweet. The gray rock is representative of just blending in, not letting them get a rise out of you not having emotion. Basically, you're a gray rock, and over time they tend to lose interest. And if you don't take their bait, it, it's kind of like they back off there can, you know, there can be patterns of them coming and, and checking to see if they still have control. Speaker 1: (05:16)Like, oh, maybe the gray rock misses me or whatever. But in general, it is a really great method that I have used myself and swear by. This is an important one. And I would say this is definitely hard when you have been, especially if you've been in a situation with a narcissist for a long time, and it's a close intimate relationship, whether it's romantic friendship, family ship, and even if you've been under the same boss for, you know, 10 years, they can have such a hold on you that you are terrified to rattle the cage. You walk on eggshells and I am giving you permission to leave without guilt. And this can look like leaving a conversation. This can look like leaving the relationship. This I know for some will be harder to hear or harder to do than others, but I am here to tell you I was, I was in a situation like that for so long where I was terrified and it wasn't just the narcissist that I was terrified of. Speaker 1: (06:22)It was the other people in our lives that guilt tripped me or me trying to disconnect from this person, right? So you can get guilt from multiple angles and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and that's why I'm a big advocate of getting support through me, through a therapist, whatever it is in your situation, because you really do. I got support during my situation. And yeah, I definitely think you need support when you are leaving a situation completely. But I'm also saying if you're in a conversation and you feel uncomfortable or you feel like they're manipulating you or you feel like you're getting sucked in, you're taking the bait, they are twisting things around, you are allowed to, I mean, take a breath, count to five and just say, I need to go. Whether it's on the phone, you hang up whether you are with them and you, you, you can call it Uber if I mean you, I know you're in like different situations sometimes where you feel like you might be stuck, you're not stuck, you are not stuck. Speaker 1: (07:27)And if it is a, um, dangerous or violent situation, please call the domestic abuse hotline. And that phone number is, um, in the show notes. But the best way to outsmart a gas lighter or a narcissist is to disengage. It's the gray rock. It's the not taking the bait. It's no longer walking on eggshells. It's being in your truth and it's disengaging. The second you feel that visceral reaction of this isn't right. I mean, your body speaks to you. So get familiar with your body. That's why you need those meditations. Go grab my four minute mood boost meditation. Just getting in touch with your body will help you so much when you are trying to just follow your intuition through narcissistic abuse. It's almost like we can, we can lose our own intuition. We can lose our own identity. We have been literally living in fear of someone else or for someone else depending on your situation. Speaker 1: (08:30)Um, so it's crazy stuff, but that's why you need support. So if you want to work with me, um, again, all my information is in the show notes. You can email me. That's probably the best way to do it. Um, so we can talk about in what way. There are different packages I have for coaching. Um, I do yoga and yin yoga really, really helps support the mind body balance. And I just did a couple episodes last week if you wanna listen to those that go in into more about yin yoga. So getting support, whether it's, you know, kind of talk therapy, coaching, yoga, you really need something if you are going through this. The post narcissistic abuse situation is real . Unfortunately, I've gone through it and I just, that's what I, why I do what I do. I I just want to help you guys accelerate through your healing and be strong enough to stay disconnected, to be strong enough and intuitive enough to recognize signs and to be able to not get into these situations, whether it's romantic, whether it's in the workplace, whether it's friendships to break the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (09:38)And you guys can do it. Um, you know, you ju just might need some guidance. That's, that's how I got here. I got guidance. I did a lot, had a lot of education, did a lot of research and my own experience, and I'm so passionate about it and I want, I want to help you. So I am here for you. Please email me and I will talk to you in the next episode. Don't forget, you are worthy of feeling good. You're not supposed to suffer and you're not crazy. You know the truth. Listen to your intuition. Get quiet enough to listen to yourself and start trusting yourself again. All right? See you in the next episode.

Ep 23 | What is Gaslighting? The Narcissist’s Favorite 8 Ways to Drive You Crazy

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
A hot buzz word because narcissists are being exposed more and more, as are their tactics like gaslighting. Listen to today's podcast to hear 8 common ways narcissists (or anyone) gaslight their victims.
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about gaslighting. It is a buzzword, especially over the last few years. So we're gonna dive into it and maybe you're wondering, am I being gaslit? What are the signs of gaslighting? I will let you know. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.Christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)So there are several, several ways that you can be gaslit by a narcissist or, I mean, gaslighting can be a tactic used by people who are not narcissists, but narcissists definitely use a lot of these ways to get what they want. So number one, that is a pretty clear sign, especially if it's a pattern, is getting super defensive when you are just having a normal conversation asking a normal question that they will then turn against you. We'll get into that too. But watching their body language, seeing their response and their defensiveness when you are going about a normal conversation or a normal question, is definitely a sign. Number two, complete denial. They know it did happen, but they're so convincing they can make you believe that it did not. Um, especially over time, like you can really start to feel cuckoo. Like wait, they're so convincing. Speaker 1: (02:40)They look like they believe it honestly. They usually do not believe it, but they are so hellbent on being right and not being wrong that they will even try to convince themselves of another story or in the moment just defend, defend so much so that you start questioning yourself and then they take advantage of that and they can get you to agree with what they're saying or even twisting the story, which is comes to our next. Number three is twisting the story. May like, they're like, maybe it happened, but it's not, it's not what you remember, but you know the truth. Like you're there going, wait, I was there, I remember this happen. And they have this way of twisting the stories, twisting the narrative. They may twist the blame. Well, often they do twist the blame. That's very common, right? So a lot of twisting going on, twisting the story, twisting the blame. Speaker 1: (03:38)And that leads to the next one, which is the reversal. So they reverse everything. Like you come to them with, you know, maybe a request, maybe a boundary, maybe getting further information on something. It could be in conflict, it could not. But once they get that defense up, like we talk about number one, they will what I call the reversal, they will reverse it and deflect away from them having the accountability, right? So that again, it'll make you feel crazy. And then you're on the defense, right? So they are purposely reversing it. So then you're on the defense, you have to defense yourself and it gets away from the original problem that you brought to their attention. And they can do this even by just saying things like, oh, you're crazy or you're dramatic, or Remember when you did this or I was just joking and then you came back at me in, in upset, but I was just joking, right? Speaker 1: (04:36)There's so many different ways that they can do this reversal, but in general, look out for whenever you go to them to talk about something, does it get turned back on you? That is another very clear sign that you're being gaslit. Number five, shaming you for bringing something up. They can, yes, they can make you feel bad about it, like the reversal, they can deny it, but they can also shame you and go into a victim mode and you know, start to make you feel bad. And maybe they say something like, I was just trying to help but you, you know, deep down, like it's not helpful. But I was just trying to help and I was just, oh little, oh me little, oh in all innocent me. But they're not innocent. They are vindictive, they're intentional with what they're doing. And now they're going to shame you for bringing something up because they need the blame to get away from them. Speaker 1: (05:31)Similar thing with number six, dismissing your feelings. When you bring something up, it doesn't matter. It's almost as if their feelings are the only feelings that matter. That is how it feels to be with a narcissist. They will guilt you and do all that other stuff. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself, does this person seem to value my feelings? Sit with that. If no, they don't seem to ever care about your feelings and they do all these things to dismiss your feelings and to get it back to where they're in a good light and maybe you're in a bad light, that is not cool. That's another sign. Number seven, in general, narcissists do not apologize. It is rare. There's certain situations, and this is where it can get tricky and that's why, you know, if you work with me or one of my clients, that is something that it's much easier on a customized basis to be like, for me to be able to help with because I can hear the language and people can talk me through what they're experiencing and I can, you know, really have an understanding of, okay, this person is, is not sincerely apologetic, right? Speaker 1: (06:40)There's ways and you can learn it yourself too. But I've, I've been through years and years of this education and in my own life that I can really detect it. But just to give a general overview, they generally don't apologize. Like I said, they'll turn things around on you if they do apologize, it would be something, the language could be something like, well, I'm, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or I'm sorry you perceived it that way. I'm sorry you, I'm sorry you. Or if they're really desperate, they, they can do a whole crocodile to your sincere sounding apology. So that's where it can get tricky. But I trust my gut on this a lot too in my, in my past experiences of does this feel like they're just trying to get what they want? Or does it feel like a bulb has gone off in their head? Speaker 1: (07:25)Sometimes? In the beginning of all this, the only way to know that is to see the actions that happen after. So sometimes I know a lot of us don't wanna have regrets. We don't wanna maybe kick people out of our lives without knowing. Well, maybe they were sorry. You don't give a million chances though, right? It's like if they're sorry, they're going to change that behavior because they want to make you happy and they don't want to act that way. Narcissists, they won't. So that's, that is a sign. If after they say they're sorry and the crocodile tears come pouring out and they're gonna do this and they make promises or whatever, it's lip service and the stuff keeps happening. That is your sign Honey bunny. That's it. They, they're not changing for me. More important than an apology though I value on it's nice. Speaker 1: (08:11)But more important to me is the changed behavior after the apology. Okay? So that is a sign though. If in general they really don't apologize, that can definitely be a sign. The number eight, playing the victim. So, well, what about me, right? Like if you're having a conversation and you bring something up and the other person says, what about me and my feelings? That is not necessarily a bad sign. I think it's human nature for us to also wanna feel seen and heard, right? So the difference is if this person is never taking accountability at all and then saying like, oh, what about me and my feelings and did it right? But they're never saying sorry, they're never taking accountability. That is also a sign in a normal relationship, you have a conversation, you share your feelings. Could there be defense or upset? Yes, we're human. Speaker 1: (09:03)So you have to understand the difference of that. And not calling everyone a narcissist that gets defensive or feels like a victim. Cuz sometimes people have insecurities, but is to look for the patterns and also the shared accountability. And that doesn't mean every situation, both people are quote at fault. But over time in your relationship, whether it's romantic or friendship or family ship, whatever, is family ship a word? I don't know. I like it. Whatever it is though. Does the other person ever say, yeah, I really hear you. I see how that could have been taken that way. I'm really sorry. Yeah, another time they might be like, you know, I just don't see it that way. We're gonna have to agree to disagree. I don't, I don't see it that way. Yes, but the narcissist will continually in a pattern, play the victim, not take accountability, maybe apologize, but there is no change to behavior. Speaker 1: (09:52)So those are eight signs. There, there are more. But these, this gives you like a really good starting point. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I have an opening right now. I will say coming up to the end of the school year, I will not be taking on private clients after mid-June except the ones who are grandfathered in that I'm already working with. So if you have been wanting to work with me, you might wanna get in there cuz I have a tight schedule and, uh, with my daughter being home for, for summer, I will be home with her and just working, uh, more of a part-time schedule. So look in the show notes if you'd like to see how to work with me. My website information is on there, my emails down there. You can join my free Facebook group for victims of narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (10:43)There are women in there who aren't sure if it's narcissistic abuse, but they've been mistreated and it's, it's just a really good place to hang out and work on thriving together. I have started putting little mini videos in there and, um, I do v i p pricing and stuff in there and on my email list, if you're not on my email list, definitely sign up. I have a four minute meditation. When you sign up for that, you start getting like my newsletters and emails again with v i p pricing and little golden nuggets. My videos will be coming soon through email as well. So if you wanna get more Christy Jade in your life, you can do it by either joining that Facebook group or signing up for the meditation. And then you'll be on my email list and we will end with your feelings matter. Okay? You deserve to feel valued and heard and your voice matters and you are a beauty queen. All right, we'll see you in the next episode.

Ep 22 | Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Through Yin Yoga

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
If you have been through narcissistic abuse or any trauma in your life, you are holding negative, nasty energy, literally in your cells, in your body. So this is an amazing, amazing practice that I discovered just a few years ago myself. That was a huge impact on my healing.
Yin Yoga Video:
https://www.youtube.com/live/cuxQxnI9D8w?feature=share
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Ooh, this is gonna be a good one. I am so excited to share with you about yin yoga. Let me tell you, if you have been through narcissistic abuse or any trauma in your life, you are holding negative, nasty energy, literally in your cells, in your body. So this is an amazing, amazing practice that I discovered just a few years ago myself. That was a huge impact on my healing. Speaker 1: (00:27)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And Mindf? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought, and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:48)So I'm gonna just dive right in. Talk about all the good things about yin yoga. First of all, yes, like I said, if you have gone through any sort of trauma abuse, you literally are holding all of this in your body. When I discovered yin yoga, the first time I did it, I was in supported bridge pose. I will, I will let you imagine this. Christy's laying there circa 2020, I think, laying on my back knees up, and then you put like a yoga block under as my yoga teacher, Syd, between the, your crack and your back, right? That little lower back area. And if you don't know about chakras, this is where the sacral is. And there's a lot of, especially for women, a lot of stuff and energy that sits in there. And something about me popping that Sugi up released so much in that moment that I started crying. Speaker 1: (02:41)I'm not saying you're gonna have this the first time. I'm not. I don't know if you'll cry ever, okay? But it was an amazing moment and I fell in love with yin yoga, and I have not looked back. I actually got certified to teach it. So I am a yin yoga teacher. If you want to do a customized personal session with me, I will put in the notes, my email. Everything's always in the show notes, like that's the description of the podcast. So always go there after the show if you're trying to find any information, if you're trying to stalk me and find me. But you can just email me and we can talk about setting up a customized session. But let's talk about the amazing benefits. So what I experience, like I said, I mean that that first time I was like, whew, what just happened? Speaker 1: (03:22)What just happened to me? But we hold this energy. So first of all, talk about the energetics. And that's the biggest impact on me, is how I'm, I'm very mindd in touch with my body and everybody's different. But if you are too, and you can relate to that, like if your body's not okay, your mind's not okay. If your mind is not okay, your body's not okay. I am telling you, you will fall in love with this. You have to give it a chance. It's different from regular yoga in that you hold the poses usually from like three to five minutes. I usually do five because I really want you to sit in there and let go in your poses and let that energy work its way out. And also physically you're stretching the fasha and those deeper tissues that not all yogas or any of the like, you know, CrossFit, all that stuff doesn't really get into those little nooks and crannies. Speaker 1: (04:15)So with yin yoga, you're also getting into a space physically that's deeper and such a nice release, especially over time. This is a practice that, yes, in your first session you can definitely have benefits, but man, if you put this into your daily practice, your weekly practice, you will feel like a different person. So there's the energetics of letting go and maintaining, letting go because you know, life is never always bunnies and flowers. Wouldn't that be fun? But it's not. So even if we're releasing, there's always more stuff coming in, right? Like that's just part of life. It ebbs, it flows ups and downs. So you're getting to release on a regular basis these negative energies that live in your body, right? The other thing is obviously the mind letting go of the stress in a mind way, right? Like having a carved out hour a week. Speaker 1: (05:10)Or if you are bold doing it an hour a day and then you're gonna be like a superhuman because the quiet you get, it's similar to meditation, but you're also doing this physical aspect where you're physically releasing and mentally quieting and releasing, letting things process in your mind. So it's just like this double whammy . If you do meditation, you'll understand how meditation can be so epic. Add in your yoga. It is crazy. Again, especially if you keep this ongoing practice, there's also something to be said that's, that's different than typical yoga where you may hold up poses and balance. And in yin yoga, I, I always call it my gravity yoga, like I just feel like I'm letting go. And like surrendering to gravity, I'm melting. I used to call my, my class melt, melt into the mat because it's different in the way I do most of my poses, like laying down or sitting and you really get to release fully. Speaker 1: (06:10)And when you release physically fully, again, there's some shift. And I think that was part of it for me in that first session. I'm always going, going, going. And even with my exercising, I love dance. Like hip hop. I'm a hip hop dancer. Did you not know that about me? Um, so I'm always, it's just like action and going, you know, I stop and meditation. But to sit there and let my whole body totally melt into the floor while doing these poses that are literally releasing negative energy at the same time, it was such a release that those tears were joy. It was like, oh my, almost like bliss. You're just like, whoa. Like if you imagine you're in like a really happy epic dream, it's like that kind of feeling. It was just amazing. I will say the key to that is, and I'm surprised I got it the first time since sometimes I can fight myself when it's like time to relax, I will kind of like, I'm like a little toddler there where I'm like, I have this to do with like, my brain goes a mile a minute. Speaker 1: (07:15)For some reason in that first class I just fully surrendered to like, I'm taking this time for me because I need, like, I needed it. I was so overworked. It was during the pandemic, I was homeschooling my daughter, trying to run a business, being a wife and friend and all the things. And I was like, I need to like escape, right? , hey, it is what it is. But I escaped into something very healthy and healing and it, it set me on this amazing, amazing path. But that's why I wanna share it with you because not, I feel like not enough people know about yin yoga or do yin yoga. It, it's just something you need to try to understand and you have to give it a chance. And this is my whole thing right here that I'm trying to say is release surrender to it. Speaker 1: (08:04)Where you say, I'm not gonna let anything else disrupt this time. I'm going to fully surrender and let go emotionally and physically. Now if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, my podcast brought you here, maybe , um, or you're a client of mine, you've gone through abuse, you've gone through trauma. This is such a precious tool to use to release that. And it also is proven that in general yoga shows, they've done studies where your calm and your confidence is definitely higher. I'm trying to think, do I have the percentage here? Lemme see if I can find it real quick. Mm. It doesn't say the percentage of what I'm looking at right now when I just try to look it up real quick. But there have been several articles I have seen on the effect on the self-esteem because that's something when you go through, through narcissistic abuse, your self-esteem can be shot. Speaker 1: (08:58)And this is something that actually immediately through a yoga class will heighten your self-esteem. Like it's crazy, right? So over time, imagine what that does. Yes, it's great to do talk therapy, it's great to work with a coach like me. It's great to set boundaries in your life, but having this physical supplement is just like, boom, watch out, here comes the queen. So those are my own little benefits. My experience with it that I just, again, I can't say how much I love it. I'm gonna tell you like generic things they say about yin yoga in general, that calms and balances the mind and body reduce, reduces stress and anxiety, increases circulation, which is always good, improves flexibility. Get down in f fascia and releases fascia and improves joint mobility. So especially, I'm 43, y'all, I'm gonna be 43. Well when am I posting this? Speaker 1: (09:49)Thursday. So tomorrow April 21st I'm gonna be 43. Come say happy birthday. Cuz for the first time in my life I'm actually feeling older. Like usually I'm like, woo, yeah, I wanna celebrate this here. It's hitting me. I don't know, it might be that little like the deeper wrinkle, crawling, crawling outta my bottom lip. I don't like it, what's happening anyway, but I have all these fun tools to make me feel better. , maybe I'll go do some yoga, get that silver esteem bag. Okay. And then the last thing balances the internal organs, which hey, I'll always take a balanced spleen and kidney and improves the flow of chi or prana, which is kind of your, you know, the balance of your body. So it's improving the flow of that, helping everything flow to together better and act as the well oiled machine our bodies are supposed to be. Speaker 1: (10:37)Can you do yin yoga every day? Yes you can. And this isn't something you have to do for an hour or even 45 minutes with my clients. I actually give them poses and sequences so they can choose. They might take one pose they might wanna do every morning that takes literally three minutes, right? But just to get that release. To start off the day, I'm big on starting your mornings with a little yoga or some sort of stretching, some sort of movement in your body. And also meditation, prayer, whatever is your jam. Like those, if you can take two things away, wake up the extra five or 10 minutes to do those things. And that really will set your day up. And the longer you do the better. And if you do yoga, I mean yoga at night, like yin yoga is great. I used to have uh, my nighttime classes where it was like Sunday nights, we had it kind of right before bed. Speaker 1: (11:31)So you're off to a great start. You, you can get very comfy and sleepy in yoga cuz it's such a relaxing melty yoga. So it's really good for any time of day. You can use it in the morning to start and kind of get energized. And there is specific, again, I would give you specific customized sequences if you are a client, client of mine or you can, you know, use certain sequences before you go to sleep. I will link my YouTube video of a class from last year that was about releasing negative energy. And I'm gonna ask this in my Facebook group. By the way, if you're not my Facebook group, I'm going to link that also in the notes. Go join. I'm starting to do little mini videos in there and it's gonna be a whole lot of fun. So go join. But I wanna ask in the group and you guys, you can email me or if you're in the group, message me there. Speaker 1: (12:25)Um, maybe I'll do a poll, but I wanna know if you'd be interested in like a mini course that shows you what yin yoga poses are beneficial for trauma slash negative energy release. Um, if you'd be interested in more of my yin yoga, like I said, I have that class, I will link below. It's free, you just watch it whenever it's 45 minutes. But I'm thinking about creating one that would be separate from my YouTube. That would be just like a very low cost video with sequencing to release, like really trauma related things. And so just trying to gauge the interest on that. So message me, hit me up. I'm on Instagram, I'm fierce Christy Jade over there. Um, so come follow me. Say hi. I love when people actually drop into my dms and say hello. I like to know who's following. Um, so don't be shy. Speaker 1: (13:20)Anyway, I hope this was beneficial. I encourage you to at least try my yin yoga class. See how you feel. Um, it's, it's amazing and epic. And sometimes you won't have like the release I did in the first one. It also depends on your openness, your tired level. So I encourage you also to definitely try it more than once. Slow was not always my jam. And it's become like that balance, that yin and yang of like me hip hop dancing all over and then the next minute laying on the floor like Gumby. It's a good balance. So I highly suggest it. All right, I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you deserve to feel good. You deserve to carve out time for yourself to let your body and your mind rest. And you are a gorgeous queen. Isn't that amazing? You're so lucky. Okay, love you guys. See you in the next step. And Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

Ep 21 | Triggered by Your Narcissist? 5 Quick Healing Tips

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Whether you are connected or disconnected from your narcissist, they can still have major effects on you! Here are 5 quick yet effective tips to heal and calm your mind and body.
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Whether you are still connected or disconnected from a narcissist, they can still have power over you. They can trigger you, whether it's in the conversations with them or thinking back on your situation. A lot of triggers can come up. They get in those nooks and crannies and they bring out our insecurities. They make us feel cuckoo bananas, as my grandma used to say. I use other words. So we are going to talk about five quick ways and ways that I definitely used and still use when I am feeling triggered. It still happens in my journey too. You're not alone. Speaker 1: (00:39)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:59)When we feel triggered and emotional, we want a quick fix. Can I get an amen? So I have found these five things to be the best. They're not the only methods or techniques to use, but these are five that I use and I love. So number one is yin yoga. I discovered this a few years ago and now I teach yin yoga cuz I love it that much. And I do classes, I do one-on-one sessions. But in the moment, even when you are having this kind of visceral reaction to a narcissist or to memories of a narcissist or things that are brought up because of a narcissist, it is so helpful to even just hold a yin yoga position for a few minutes. Yin yoga is so good at releasing the negative, really just, ugh, that awful energy you carry when you're getting triggered. And yin yoga, for me, I, I love all yogas, but yin yoga is my jam. Speaker 1: (02:57)It gets into the deep, deep parts physically and mentally that for me, other yogas did not reach. So I am a big advocate. It is, you don't need to be flexible, you don't need to be advanced in yoga. It is so simple, but so freeing. So with my coaching clients now, I do provide sequences, like customized sequences for them. It's all related to releasing trauma, releasing those negative energies, stagnant crap that's sitting in our bodies. And you can go online, you can find different things. If you sign up with me for coaching, I will create a sequence for you. I also, I'll put in the show notes. I have a YouTube class up. Um, I just made it public so I could share it with you guys. If you want an example, there's like a 45 minute letting go of, of negative energy sequence that I do on there. Speaker 1: (03:50)So you can check that out on my YouTube channel. But in the meantime, you can always go look up, um, yin yoga poses or yoga poses even that are related to releasing negative energy, having to do a trauma, any of that. But if you want something more specific, you can email me at fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com if you want to, you know, get something more customized. Number two, meditation and breath work. So I put these together because with trauma they are an amazing pair. Meditation does not have to be some crazy long exercise, right? It can be beautiful. I mean, I've done some long meditations and been like, whoa, the Holy Spirit just spoke to me. But you, this can be like a very quick few minute activation exercise, whatever you wanna call it. And it might take a little practice to get there where it's, you can drop into that quiet place and cut out the distractions, but you will get there and it's more quickly than you think. Speaker 1: (04:52)So if you pair this with breath work or even just doing the 4 78 technique, which I'll explain in a minute, it will make a big energy shift. So you can do them separately, but together they're so powerful. Just getting in a really quiet space. So you're kind of calming the body down and doing then like stepping into the actual breath work. So for the 4, 7, 8 technique, you breathe in for four seconds through your nose, you hold it for seven seconds and you exhale for eight and you repeat this until you feel like a calm little piece frog. I love this. It's a quick thing. I have taught my daughter to do it. I've taught friends to do it. I've taught my coaching clients to do it. It's so simple, but it really, really does just get you kind of out of your head and breaks that cycle. Speaker 1: (05:43)By the way, if you don't have my four minute meditation, it's a morning boost. I call it meditation. One of my client's favorite meditations I've created. If you don't have it, I will put that in the show notes. That is something you should be doing every morning. It's free. Just go grab it every morning to start your day off. You have four minutes, everyone's got four minutes. If you don't wake up four minutes earlier, it is worth it. I promise. When you start your day in that head space in a peaceful, calm, uplifting, it's a little empowering mind specifically, um, it just sets you off in a better mood. So that like anything coming in that day, anything negative, any stress, it will feel a little lighter. And if you want to, you know, do meditation throughout the day or at night, of course that's gonna amplify your results. Speaker 1: (06:34)But just doing that four minute meditation alone has changed my clients whole day, their energy and ah, I just love it. So that will be in the show notes. We have a lot of things in the show notes today cuz these are all tools and techniques and resources I have. Number three is journaling a plain notebook. We'll do get yourself a cute little pen, cute little notepad, making fun. But get those feelings out. Writing can really help release a lot of pen up, sadness, anger, resentment, any of those fun feelings as a result of narcissistic abuse. Yay. So just get it down on paper. I also created a not My journal, it's called hashtag not My. Um, that's my little coined phrase because as I went on this journey, I realized how much stuff I was carrying that was not mine to carry. Speaker 1: (07:26)And that was a result of, you know, abuse and mistreatment. And we learned to take on others crap that specifically narcissist who we were the victim of. But also we learned that as a behavior that it's almost just comfortable taking on feelings that really don't belong to us. We should not have to carry through our lives. So I created a notebook, and again, I'll put that in the show notes. You can get it on Amazon, but basically it has prompts for every day, every morning to basically just blah, drop those feelings into this notebook. And it's in four little, each page has four little sections. It, it just feels so good to get this stuff off your chest and start your day fresh. So fresh and so clean. Clean. Let's bring it back to the nineties. Was that nineties or two thousands? Number four is mirror work Mirror. Speaker 1: (08:17)I still have my mom's new yorken. Me Mira, it's m i r a Mira No mi rohr work . Can someone say that word right for me? So the premise with this is that you learn to love yourself by directly looking in your own eyes in the mirror and declaring your love. Mm-hmm. . Yeah, Queens. We're about to get crazy up in here, okay? But there is a book actually that talks about this. It's called Mirror Work, 21 Days to Heal Your Life. So Powerful. I will put that book in. Uh, it's from from Amazon as well. You can get it there. I'll put in the show notes. But in the meantime you can just practice saying, I love you in the mirror every morning. I know it sounds a little kooky, but if you wanna go deeper, this book will help you kind of dig up some stuff and looking in the mirror. Speaker 1: (09:07)Truly, this is so powerful, actually more powerful than I thought it was. I was like, oh, I guess it'll be nice. Let me read the book, see how it goes. It's actually really, really powerful and healing. So I know that's a longer term thing to read the book, but in the short term, and just, if you're having a moment just getting to a mirror and looking at yourself in your eyes and you can do affirmations, you can, you know, declare that self-love. You can say, I am worthy this person's feelings and these person's actions do not determine my emotions and my actions. Right? That's huge. That's a huge thing. So saying that on repeat will help you alone. Number six, support. So any kind of support, but support is necessary when healing from narcissistic abuse. This is my opinion, but I'm gonna scream it through the hill, through the hilltops at the, oh no, on top of the hilltops, on top of the hills. Speaker 1: (10:04)I'm gonna scream it somewhere. It's gonna be loud and crazy cuz that's the Italian stallion in enemy. No, I am telling you, you cannot walk this path alone. You should not have to. You shouldn't, you can, but it's, it's gonna take longer to heal and it's, it's gonna be hard, right? It's hard enough even with support, it's doable. I've come so far and I have many clients who we have walked through this together and they are doing amazing. So it's doable, but I'm telling you, without support, it is a lot harder and a lot slower. So therapy is awesome. One benefit of working with me is I give you Voxer access. So if you're having a moment, you can vent it to me on a voice message through Voxer, and I check a couple times a day, usually more so I can jump in there and can help coach you through it. Speaker 1: (10:57)Whether that is talk therapy, reminding you of a great way to break this cycle. Like we're talking about these tools here, or reminding you what a badass queen you are, but having support from someone and the accountability to stick to your healing journey. That might sound silly, but it is a journey and it is a decision. And it's, it's just like anything else when you choose like, I'm gonna start this exercise program, I'm going to eat healthier, right? This is just that in a mental health form, you're working on your mental health and accountability is also huge. So it's the support slash accountability. So if you wanna find ways to work with me, they're in my show notes. You can go to my website, um, you can always email me again, fierce mama c gmail.com with any questions, but you should not walk this alone. Speaker 1: (11:47)And I have a very deep understanding of narcissism. And as I always recommend, even if you don't work with me, find someone who truly understands it and has been a victim themselves of narcissistic abuse and walk through that. I, I feel like I always may get flack for saying that because there are people who study this and don't have the experience. And just from me living through it, I know what it takes to truly understand it in a way that other people don't. So even if it's not me, find somebody who gets narcissistic abuse and has actually walked through it. So let's recap. Five awesome quick ways to heal When you are triggered are yin yoga poses, meditation and breath work, journaling, mirror work, and of course getting that support. All the information will be in the show notes. And let's end with some affirmations. Speaker 1: (12:45)You know, I love me some affirmations. Okay, hand on heart, take a breath. If you, if you're driving, don't touch your heart that you need to touch the steering wheel, okay? But if you are not and you are in a, a safe, calm place, , put your hands on your heart, shut your eyes. And I want you to feel this. You can write it down and add it to your morning affirmations. Okay? I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Let's do it another time. I'm in the mood for a little extra. I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Ugh. How's that feel? Yes. Okay, I will see you in the next episode. Have a wonderful week. And again, all this information is always in my show notes in the podcast description, smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka a the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade fun.

Ep 20 Filling Your Friendship Cup After Narcissistic Abuse

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, who wants to find or nurture friendships as an adult.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Happy Friday. Might not be Friday for you. Maybe you're listening to this on another day. Have a happy other day of the week. But today we're gonna talk about little tips and tricks to make and make a friend. Just one, no, make friends as an adult. Um, we talked about this earlier in the week, um, more about why it's hard, especially for people who've been through abuse. So I'm not doing my regular intro and outro today. I'm just hamming it on up myself. I feel like dodos do too. That's a lot of dues due to allergies, my throat scaling me. But I promised you guys an episode, so I'm going to give it to you. We also went to the aquarium yesterday in Baltimore, Maryland. Highly recommend it is so, so fun. But I've been running, just running. It's our spring break this week, and I've just been running and kind of run down and I was like, I still have to do my episode. Speaker 1: (00:55)Ah, so let's dive in. Look, we're gonna do like a fake new intro. It'll be like, but still she thrives, but still she thrives. My throat is not thriving, but still she thrives. All right, so let's dig, dive on in. Also, if you don't know who I am, by the way, I'm Christy, you probably got that part so far. But I am a narcissistic recovery abuse coach and I work with people, usually do weekly calls. I'm working on creating a course. But if you're interested in working with me, just go to my website, which is www.christyjade.com/workwithme and find the ways to work with me. Or you can always message me or email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com. So early in the week, we talked about friendships and how they can be hard, especially if you have been through abuse. Speaker 1: (01:52)There's walls up, there's fears, there's insecurities. And even if you haven't, those things can happen. Or if you've been hurt by a friend trying to regain that trust or put your wall down, which my thing, I've had a little wall, I've pulled it down recently, so that's why I was talking about this all with you. So today I wanted to discuss things that have helped me kind of first put my wall down and also, you know, try to find new friendships and nurture my old. So I guess first things first, first things first. I'm the realist. Anyone name that tune. Um, first thing is, uh, kind of realizing that I had a wall and I guess I did realize, but then I was like, I am an extrovert. And in general, we all, no matter introvert or extrovert, we do need people. We need community, whether we wanna admit it or not. Speaker 1: (02:49)And I was feeling kind of a void there. So recently I was like, you know what I need? I need to bash this wall down. It's getting old, it's getting crusty. We don't want it there anymore. So it's first like realizing you do have a wall or maybe you're a little jaded or whatever it is, and saying like, I am making a decision to take this down. And that is gonna also mean that I am going to have to change my ways, right? Sometimes we want change without actually like having to do the work. , imagine that. Um, and that's why I say like with my coaching clients, I'm like to make changes, you actually have to make changes like in how you go about your every day, right? You're like daily to-dos and your efforts are going to change. So if you really wanna make a change, you gotta make some changes. Speaker 1: (03:39)Sounds simple, but a lot of people really want that magic pill and it doesn't exist. Or it might be illegal. I don't know. So I made this decision that I was going to put more effort in with a people I already knew, but I was like, you know, they're kind of on the outskirts of my life, not my daily life, but I really enjoy them. And they may not be exactly like, it's almost like we have this idea for me of like this best friend that encompasses all the different things. Like they're funny, they're very thoughtful, they're this, it's like this whole list of things. And I realize part of the thing is like, not everybody has all that, especially when we're trying to balance our lives. Some people might be a little flaker than others, right? Some people may be really super thoughtful and sweet, but not like the girl that's dancing on the bars, having the best time of her life on a Tuesday. Speaker 1: (04:39)That'd be me, by the way. Just kidding. Um, but you know, there's different traits and it's like one person doesn't have to have all those traits. So I was like, you know, I, what traits do I like? And they don't all have to be in like one specific bestie. And I already have a bestie. I don't see her every day. I do talk to her every day. But these people, it was like building the community of people that are closer geographically. I'm like, I really want more people to hang out with in within, you know, five or 10 minutes. So we can say, Hey, wanna go grab, uh, I was gonna say grab a nail, wanna grab a nail, wanna go to the salon, get our nails done, grab a coffee. Um, and for me, just getting out even for an hour really, really refreshes me and fills that friendship, you know, hole, that's not weird. Speaker 1: (05:33)And maybe we'll title this friendship hole. So I started reaching out to people that maybe I talked about hanging out, like, oh yeah, we need to hang out. I actually started putting more effort into those. Like, I like those people. I had an intention of hanging out, but somehow we both are like, oh yeah, we'll hang out and then we don't. So there were a few, I was like, you know, I actually really enjoy time with them and I would like to see them more. So instead of just being like, yo, let's do that. I am going to, the next time I talk to them, say, Hey, Thursday, seven o'clock, what are you doing? Right? That actually has worked. I mean, not every single time, cause people again are busy and have lives. Um, but getting specific instead of just saying, yeah, we should make the time. Speaker 1: (06:21)Even if, let's say you're at, let's say like my daughter's dance and there's a mom and we talk every time, right? And it's like, oh yeah, we should get together, da da da. First of all, there's times I wanna get together without my kids. A lot of times I'll be, oh yeah, let's do a play date. And either we do or we don't, whatever. But it's also like getting these friendships, getting to know people. I found you can do a lot better without the kids around. I like doing both. It's fun to like have, you know, whole family hoop loves. I don't know what that is. That's an, it's another episode. Um, but having those just like mom nights together. So I started even being more specific about that. Like, Hey, do you wanna go grab coffee? Just me and you. Oh yeah, that'd be great. Speaker 1: (07:06)And I'm like, all right, when are you free next week? Or I'm free Tuesday and Thursday. What's a good time? You know, like, because we can get distracted. And I have found when I felt like these people maybe didn't want to because we talk vaguely about doing it and then they wouldn't follow up, guess what? Sometimes I wouldn't follow up either. Side note. Um, not because I didn't like them, right? I found by doing this, I was like, oh, people actually do. And when you make it specific and you're like, Hey, this time and they are showing up, it didn't discourage me because they would follow through, right? Another thing I have done more recently is signing up for classes again, which I was doing before Covid and with Covid, you know, my family's extra cautious, so I wasn't doing a lot of like, extra things that I didn't have to do with a group of people. Speaker 1: (07:59)Now I'm like, Hmm, give me your diseases, everybody. Here we go. We're back in. And I started taking more classes. Like when you do things you love, usually end up meeting like-minded people. Like I love art. So I've been taking, there's like a local craft, an artsy store, um, and they offer different classes on all sorts of things. All things arts and crafts and I love those things. So I started doing resin work recently, which is like, it's kinda like liquid plastic that hardens. You've probably seen it in Men Me artwork pieces like little Tray, I've made trays. They have just all sorts of things. Anyway, well we get, we get sidetracked because squirrel. So I started taking those classes and I meet, I've met women through there. Um, also, you know, my friend runs a local mom's group. I've met many women through there, even online. Speaker 1: (08:59)And then we've met up in person. Um, and you can post in those groups and just say, Hey, I'm going for a walk at 11. Anybody down to walk around that pretty lake, right? So getting involved in the community, you can do online as well. And when you go through local groups, I know there's a buy nothing group in our area. I've met a couple women through that. Like where, you know, you give each other's trash to each other and you, you like it and it's treasure or whatever. What's that saying? someone else's trash can be your treasure girl. I don't think that's a saying. Um, but, so I've met women through that and I've seen some, I, I haven't met like a bestie on there, but I've seen some women and I think there's men on there too, but I've seen some relationships really flourish through that. Speaker 1: (09:53)And it's just like building community in that way as well. Um, also meeting people through the school. Like my daughter had talked about this girl and we knew them through um, girl Scouts. Shout out Jen, I'm gonna talk about, you know. Um, and like, so my daughter's friend, she's cool and they've become closer and I've met her mom and we've, you know, hung out kind of at Girl Scouts, chit chatted whenever, but never actually had hung out outside of school related activities. And I was like, oh, she's cool. And her daughter and my daughter get along, right? So like this week I reached out and was like, Hey, what day? Cuz we were both on spring break together and I was like, Hey, what days do you have available? Do you wanna hang? And she was like, yeah, definitely right? And that's cool. And like that's getting to know people better and hanging out and it, it's just cool. Speaker 1: (10:53)Our daughters got to hang out. We got to chat and get to know each other better. So these are things that you can do and it does take effort and you might have to follow up. It might not be the first time, right? I mean, there's been people that I've followed up with and been like, okay, if they don't respond or don't get back to me, forget 'em. That's been my like mo forever when I meet new people. Cuz I'm like, I don't wanna be chasing people. It's, but that's some jaded. That's some like unhealed trauma, , it's just stupid. Um, but it's like we've like, oh, I don't wanna be rejected. Oh they must not like me. But I've found that to be BS as I've done more of this like intentional. Either I'm gonna follow up again, am I gonna ask someone 18 times when they're like, oh yeah, sure, no, but you get my point. Speaker 1: (11:44)And I have also noticed when I do that more specific like, Hey, when are you available? Exactly. Or my favorite way because I don't like planning that far ahead these days. I don't know why I used to be the biggest planner ever and Covid did something to my little brain where I don't like to plan that far out anymore. So it might be the week of, but I might shoot out a message to a few people or I might, you know, shoot a message to someone if they're not busy, shoot it to someone else. Just, Hey, I'm gonna, I feel like going out and getting a drink, who's down? And it's been really helpful that way. So A making things more intentional. B doing things that you love like those classes or just, you know, even taking a walk around the local little town center, you might meet someone who's also taking a little walk around the town center and you can be like, girl, your walking shoes are fire, right? Speaker 1: (12:45)Next thing you know, you're skipping together arm in arm. Just kidding. Um, but you have to be vulnerable enough to do that. And it took me like a while to get here and that sounds silly. It might sound silly to some people, but if you're following me and you have been through abuse, you probably can relate because we have an extra thing where um, we have insecurities that other people may not have, right? So we might feel like, oh, she's gonna think I'm a weirdo if I compliment her shoes and try to talk to her. She might think like, no, I mean I'd love someone to compliment my, my clouds. What are they called? I just ordered them. Adidas. Adidas cloud form. Is that it? I'm so excited. They're supposed to be lightweight and comfortable. So, um, message me in our group. If you're not in my group, by the way, it's in the show notes. Speaker 1: (13:37)I don't know the link offhand, but come join the group and get engaged. Facebook sucks and doesn't show group things in the feed very often. Like if you're a group and you're not paying for advertisement, like I'm not paying for ads. Um, if you're at all a business, they like shove you down in the algorithm. So join my group and engage. The more engaged you are, the more it'll show up and we can actually have discussions in there cuz it's kind of like birds chirp in there, tweet, but I mean, I guess birds chirping is better than total silence. No. Um, so tell me in there if you have cloud forms, okay, message me, DM me on Instagram. What am I on Instagram? I have to literally look at it. I think it's like fierce. Let me check it out. Lemme check it out. FierceChristyJade. Speaker 1: (14:26)That's my name on Instagram. If you're not following me there, what are you doing with your life? Come follow me. Um, I post all sorts of crap on there. I post my podcast apps, my personal shoes, um, some random dance videos, some narcissistic jokey kind of videos. So check me out. Check me how beaches, I'm in a weird mood this morning, as you can tell. Okay, so we talked about kind of putting that wall down, just making a decision to do it. Like that's courage, people you're afraid but you do it anyway. Okay? And then just getting those new friendships, how to, you know, get out in the world and find new little buddies and maintaining your old friendship friendships. This is something a lot of, I guess a lot of these people could be people you've kind of drifted from. Speaker 1: (15:22)Um, I'm more talking about people that I love to death and if they live close we'd probably hang out every week. But people have moved, like most my friends moved far and wide places, right? So those people, I do have it like I have carved out once a month I carve out a time where I reach out to somebody I haven't talked to in a while. It's just a thing I do to keep up with those friendships because I do value them. And before you know it, sometimes it's like six months have gone by and I haven't spoken to them. And it's always like one of those things where you talk and it's like, feels like no time has passed. So it's not the end of the world. But I don't like it to go so long and you know, I guess I'm, I'd say there's at least a handful of people that do not live near me. Speaker 1: (16:16)So I don't see frequently that are on rotation all must be dialed. Like, okay, yeah, it's time. Katie, this one's for you. If you're listening, like my friend Katie, she lives in Georgia. She has two kids, she's a lawyer, she's busy. I'm busy and I'll just be like, okay, I'm gonna either text her like, Hey, can you chat tomorrow at eight? Or sometimes I just call, um, and she's done the same. So that's just an example of carving out and you could put it on your calendar like every first of the month. You know, either text someone or set up to set up a time or just call and at least try to keep that ball going. You know, it's not always perfect. Sometimes we miss each other and it's another month. Um, but it's just something for me that's important because they are people I value and I want them to know I value them. Speaker 1: (17:12)And those deeper friendships I've had since like grade school or, well mostly I'd say mostly high school at this point. Mostly high school friends, um, or college friends. You know, there's history there and I do feel a connection and I don't want to, you know, lose touch with them to the point it's like, oh, it's been three years and I haven't spoken to you. Right? So that's just another thing. Maybe those friendships aren't that important to you or you already have a rhythm or you go on a girls trip once a year. That's another fun thing you can do plan trips to see these people again. During Covid I kind of fell off the earth as far as like big traveling. So now we're back to that. Um, so that is on my agenda. I have a lot of friends to visit . I have makeup for lost time, but that's on there. Speaker 1: (18:05)And even keeping this for me, I'm also like a d d. So I have lists everywhere. I forget, I'm like where am I? Who am I, what do I have to do? But keeping a list of like friends I wanna visit, you know, some of these would be day trips for me. Like I have a friend in Jersey actually, we were supposed to just hang out yesterday, but her daughter got sick. Um, she was gonna come to the zoo with the, or not the zoo, the aquarium, but her daughter got sick. So, but that's on. I did note in my mind like, okay, she didn't get to come down here so we should go visit in the next couple of months. Maybe we can make it out to Jersey, um, you know, for a quick weekend trip or whatever. So those are other things. Nurturing the relationships you have as well as finding the new ones. Speaker 1: (18:53)And just remember this whole thing. I think a lot of it is fears and insecurities. So do that mindset work. If you need help with that, I do that with my clients all of the time. That is a big thing. We do mindset work, kind of retraining the brain, that can be affirmations and other things. You know, having the deeper talks and digging up a little. Not everyone loves to do it, but if you want change again, ya, oh, that would've been good if I could have sang it the right way. You gonna have to make great changes to be a great change. , maybe I'm sleep deprived. My best friend said her favorite. Christy is a sleep deprived Christy, I'll leave you with that. Um, alright, so you guys, that's your homework. Go out there. I want you to think of one person that has maybe been on the outskirts that you don't know that well, but you'd like to get to know better and actually take the time to reach out and set a date without guilt. Speaker 1: (19:52)We should talk about that on another episode cuz this is like 20 minutes already. But I've talked to moms too recently that said they just have this guilt of spending the time with friends when they feel like they should with their family because they're, you know, they're at work all day and whatever. I'm telling you, we cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling a lack in the friendship area, it's gonna show up and you're gonna have maybe some underlying resentment, not like crazy, but I don't know if that's, that's kind of a strong word for it. But you really need that refresher through time with your girlfriends to also be a better mom, a better wife, a better whatever. I have found that when I am, like, when my cup is full of friendship, , that sounds so weird. Um, I'm just a better person all around. So there's your motivation. Let's chat. If you want to dive deeper Speaker 2: (20:47)With me, you can always grab a call with me at www.christiej.com/work with me and we can have a little call a little chatzky. All right, see you in the next episode.

Ep 19 Finding True Friendship as an Adult

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, has been hurt or insecure in friendships and is struggling to find true friendship later in life.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
 
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)What's up? Welcome to, but still she thrives. It's Christy. We're gonna have like a kickback. Let's just be real. Let's be transparent and let's talk about something that more than just people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse can relate to today. And that topic is how it can be hard to make or maintain friendships as we get older. And yes, having abuse in your childhood or even in your relationships can have an impact. We'll talk about that and then we'll just talk about how certain situations with friends can really have an impact on future friendships. Speaker 1: (00:41)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or at pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02)Honestly, this episode, I just wanted to be very forthcoming. I wanted to open up a little, you can get to know me a little better and just how certain things have affected me in my life, in friendships, um, not just relationships or not just related to narcissism. I thought I'd just have a very open conversation about this. And I mean conversation. I want you guys to email me or write in the Facebook group. Um, those things are on how to contact me are always in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast on wherever you're listening it. So let's start off. First of all, for those people who have gone through narcissistic abuse, this can have a huge impact on our relationships and our friendships. Um, that's something we don't always talk about. For me, dealing with narcissism really created some big insecurities in me. Speaker 1: (02:58)I had some confidence in some areas, but when it came to relationships or even friendships, I was trying to make up for a loss, right? Like I almost created a family with my friendships. So very dependent on friends, like they were like my family. I felt very close and connected to my friendships that I formed. I was very good at keeping up with them and keeping close to them. That's something I'm really still good at, um, especially in my inner circle of people. That is something people have even noticed and noted about me my whole life. And I think part of that is, yes, I'm an extrovert and whatever that, that plays into it, but I think it's also when you feel like there's a disconnect and you're not treated well by some members of your family that you're around, it's, it feels safer and more comfortable to create your own space, right? Speaker 1: (03:57)Like I would not be home as much as maybe the typical person. I would stay out, I would stay over friends' houses a lot to kind of build that safety and security that I did not feel. So as I got older, um, like I said, I'm an extreme extrovert. I have a ton of acquaintances, but I would call them more than that. And I had one friend that was like, I had like 50 people at my party and she's like, there's no way you can like actually be friends, friends with these people. It's like 50 people. And I'm like, mm, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty close with a lot of em, you know, because I created that dynamic. So as I got older and had more responsibilities and got married, had a child, and especially when I did this could come with just age and maturity, but in my situation it also came with, you know, having a narcissistic abuser in my life and cutting that person off and realizing, wait, there are other people in my life and other friends that aren't treating me the best. Speaker 1: (04:56)It was just like once, it's kind of like one of those domino effects where once you realize something and you set it free and you see how feel it feels so good, you start to realize, wait, I'm getting that other feeling in this part of my life, right? So it's this domino effect. So that started happening. So there were a couple of friends that some I tried to talk to and it wasn't received well. Some just kind of distance naturally that I felt I had to create that distance to have peace in my life, to feel like I was being treated well by friends and not controlled it. You know, sometimes when you're used to narcissism or a certain way of, it doesn't even have to be narcissist, but a certain type of person in your life, in your childhood, you can later almost be drawn or during childhood be drawn to that. Speaker 1: (05:49)And as you get older, be drawn to relationships that are similar, right? Like people that are maybe more on the controlling side or people that it's their way or the highway Highway or whatever they say goes, that definitely can play out. And you might be bob in your head. Yep, yep. Especially if you've been through abuse. So I'm gonna dive in kind of pivot here to talk about a situation that happened when I was engaged. When I got engaged, one of my very, very, very close bestest friends, basically as I say, broke up with me. It, it felt like that. I mean, I was friends with her for ver a very long time. I think it was like two decades, well, no, 15 years maybe. But we were very, very close. And I still to this day am not entirely sure why she cut me off. Speaker 1: (06:37)And it really hurt. I got it, got a vague idea, but it, you know, it was something that was really sad that we couldn't talk it out. But then fast forward years later, I had a similar situation where I cut someone off and I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't even, I didn't wanna try anymore. And I think it was just like the reverse of that, you know? She didn't wanna try, she didn't have the energy to say or do whatever she had to say or do. And it was devastating to me. I was very, very like really heartbroken over it. You know, this is one of my best friends and, and it sucked at the end of the day. It sucked. And I know a lot of women who this has happened to in their lives. A lot of my own friends, a lot of clients that have lost friends and either don't know why or they do know why, but it's just really unfortunate and it, it's hard and it can change us. Speaker 1: (07:30)So this is the part where whether you have have had abuse in your life or not, which, if you've had abuse a man, that rejection there, that feeling like you found someone you felt safe with and they let you go like that, that is what really was hard for me. I think, you know, yes, it was sad to let her go, but we had kind of grown, uh, I won't say a part, but grown into, we were growing into kind of different people than each other and maybe different interests, different things like that. So on the service, if you looked at it, it wasn't like, and she had been kind of not so nice to me the couple years before we stopped talking. So part of me was like, well, it's not even like, oh my gosh, I can't live without this specific person. I think it really dug at that wound of man I felt safe and that's not real. Speaker 1: (08:25)It almost made me feel like I, I thought I could trust and I was safe with this person and I'm not. And after you go through abuse, like that really can re-trigger things. And so I think that's why it was like just really hard to deal with at the time. Anyway, obviously life went on and I grew, but I did notice that when I was meeting new people, I had a wall up. And that can happen where I didn't, I didn't really trust women. I get along, I feel like I get along easier with men. Um, and I don't know if that's just, cuz this situation, it's like girlfriends, this happened with or whatever. I do feel like in general, I'm very goofy and sarcastic and sometimes in my world, at least where I live or people I've met, I do feel like men are almost more easygoing. Speaker 1: (09:12)Or maybe, maybe it's a thing where they're not looking to make friends and I'm not looking to have like man friends around. So it's kind of like, it's just, there's no expectation there. So it lifts that potential, you know, friendship or whatever. You know how like you have mommy dates, it's like, oh, I, I hope I like this. You know, kid's, mom, that'd be cool. There's, I don't feel like there's like a big potential for that because I don't know, as a married woman, I'm not gonna be like hanging out with these other men 24 7, go and get our nails done. And shopping at Target, though, that would be fun. I've told my husband, I'm like, God, I wish I could like do it up with all the men. , that sounds awful. That is not what I meant, which just came outta my mouth. Speaker 1: (09:53)Um, but he knows what I mean. He's like, well, I mean you can talk to men and Christie, you know, I'm like, I know, but there's just a difference. So anyway, I get sidetracked, but that's me welcome to ADHD world. But back to meeting new friends, having these walls up, not trusting. I've met people though also that just, they're like, I don't wanna put in that effort because it feels like dating all over again. It feels like surface level. And I don't love surface level. I am like one that goes in. Um, but I also love to have fun. I'm, you know, if you follow me, you know, I'm goofy, I'm silly, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous basically. And I like some ridiculous people. So it's kind of like dating again and we have these responsibilities. Maybe you have kids like I do, a lot of my friends have kids and sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything. Speaker 1: (10:45)It's overwhelming for me. I would say I do crave those closer connections. And having that tribe of people, I feel like for me, I have a, I have a lot of friends like in different areas of my life, but not like one, you know, tribe that's like together kind of. And I always think that's cool and I've been part of those, but as life ebbs and flows, um, I've gone kind of in and out of some of those situations and as I've opened my eyes to what I want in friendships, I've also been like, well that isn't working for me. But since I've had that discovery, which was how many years ago, probably eight years ago, I do have like a radar with people I meet and it's like, I mean, it's not like I'm, it's a crazy screening test. Not, but it is like, is this person thoughtful? Speaker 1: (11:38)I mean, there's a lot of people that are really up their own. Let me just say it. And I, I might get flack for this because I understand some people, I don't know, like even my husband's like, why? I just, he's like, so, feels, feels socially awkward. So he is like, I just kind of answer what people ask. And beyond that he, like, when he's on the surface level part of it, he obviously has deeper friendships, but he doesn't, it's not in him to dive deeper and ask people a lot of questions. Like me, I feel like Oprah Winfrey, like I just, I love, I'm fascinated with people. I love learning about people. I love different people's cultures. And so, you know, I really try to find out about people and I, and I care, like if I, if I, you know, connect with you, I'm like, oh, let's hang out. Speaker 1: (12:24)You know, there's a potential for a friendship. I'm, I love my people. So I will say something in my more recent years, like if someone's all about them and then there's a difference between Shire people and people that are extroverted, but all they talk about is themselves. And you can ask 'em 50 questions and then they don't ask one question about you. Like, that is a pet peeve of mine. I don't get it. And I'm like, especially if they are extroverted, but hey, I don't know everyone's life. So there could be another reason, right? They could be, they could be insecure about it, but I'm just, I told you I'm being an open book today. So back to the walls that we hold, especially if we had abuse in our life, but even if we didn't, just, if you've been hurt by a friend, if you just, you know, have your issues cause of X, Y, Z, we can have these walls up or not have the energy or feel like we don't have the time. Speaker 1: (13:19)Or maybe you are my socially awkward husband. Sorry honey, sorry . Um, actually he doesn't care about really making new friends. I mean he, he likes people, you know, but it's not like he doesn't have the desire like I do as an extrovert, right? To connect like that is something like I need in daily life to connect with people outside of even probably my inner circle. I mean, I talk to my like real tight girls every day, like text, sometimes we talk on the phone, but I do like connecting outside of that circle. So I just wanted to talk about this cuz I, I think, you know, we don't always talk about this and it's something I want people to not feel alone. Like if you have this, especially if you've gone through abuse, you already listened to my podcast, then you probably have been through some sort of abuse. Speaker 1: (14:08)That's why it can feel harder. That's why it can be more emotional when we reach out to someone like, Hey girl, you wanna go get some, you know, go grab a drink. And they're like, oh yeah, definitely. And then you're like, cool, let me know when, and they never get back to you. And then you feel like, oh wow, I guess they don't, they don't like me, right? It's like these insecurities, I mean, I feel that way. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm too much. You know, which could be, hey, I could be too much for some people , but it's not always what we're telling ourselves. It's those negative, crappy thoughts often created by being mistreated, like as children or in, in relationships prior. A lot of it is just BS thoughts that enter our heads and people are just either busy or yeah, they're not really into making new friends in the season of life or they're scatterbrained. Speaker 1: (15:03)I had one friend, I actually, I've had two people say this to where I, I reached out and asked them to hang out and they're like, oh, I can't on Thursday, but, you know, keep asking me. Or you know, the other ones, I, I forget the exact wording, but you know, no, but, but keep trying. We gotta hang out. Where I was like at first like, well that's jacked up. Why do I gotta be the one to initiate all the time, you know? But guess what? Because you're the one that wants to connect and it seems like they want to and they have followed, like I have followed up and we have hung out. But some people, they're just not great at doing that. So I guess this is just to say you're not alone if you're feeling this way. It is hard as we get older and keep pushing, keep trying. Speaker 1: (15:44)If you wanna connect, try to make it less personal. It's not always about you. It might be girl, maybe you're annoying as. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But yeah, not everyone is gonna be for any, everybody either. But that's not bad. That's the, that's the way the world is, right? I mean, if we got along with everybody famously and had 90 best friends, that'd be way overwhelming. So, you know, it's good to have discernment when you have had abusive situations. You may be like me where you may be like, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about looking for signs of like, mm, that person is too into themselves. And it does seem like they always take over and only wanna do what they wanna do. And like I see these red flags. Are they always red flags or am I little overcautious? I don't know. Speaker 1: (16:31)But that's where I'm at. And so far I've made some really nice friends and I'm making more friends and I'm bringing in some further friends closer that I think seem like really good people and they're uplifting and they're, they're doing good things in their lives and not gossiping and talking and they actually, there's like substance there that's important to me too. So it's like we wanna kind of have people that we don't wanna force friendships with just anybody. And at the same time, it can be hard to find friends in this stage of life, right? So I'd love just this conversation to keep going. I will bring it up in my Facebook group, email me if you wanna talk privately about it. Cause I think a lot of people deal with this stuff and just, I don't think we discuss it as much as we could and to feel supported. Speaker 1: (17:19)That being said, I think that's, I'm, I'm deciding today, I'm gonna do an extra episode this week, A quickie on maybe tips on making friends in later life and after abuse and all of that. Cuz I have been kind of working through this with myself so that I'm lowering my wall and letting more people in, more closely letting myself be vulnerable, which has not been easy for me, um, you know, in the last several years. So even though I've met people, I kind of, I don't let 'em all the way in, you know, I've noticed that. So I'm excited. I'm, and I'm starting to, we can do it together, work on it together. But I have started thinking about ways to do it and I'm going to put that on my next episode. Some little tips if you're in the same situation as I am. Speaker 1: (18:11)And if you wanna be my online friend, hit me up. Hit me up girl. Um, it's always fun. I have made so many online friends during the pandemic, oh my gosh, the, especially in 2020, even 2021 I was in online groups and like there is a plethora of amazing people out there and we have like the whole world that we're able to connect to because of the internet, which is just amazing. It's so cool. So yes, that's, I guess that's the tip I'll leave you with. You can also do online, but I'm a big in-person, person that a person, person, person, . I really am into connecting and, and actually, you know, feeling that vibe. Did I just say vibe? Feeling that vibe girl. But you know, connecting in person. But sometimes if you are super shy or awkward, even meeting people online could build your confidence, whatever. Speaker 1: (19:07)Um, but let's do tips on meeting new friends. I will throw that out later this week. So make sure you're subscribed to my podcast on, but still she thrives there. You just click a little subscribe button. And I would love you guys if you are liking this podcast, please, if you have not, go scroll down and check off, not check off like, I don't know, hit the five star little guy if you like me that much. If you wanna gimme five stars, if you wanna gimme one, just skip this . Just don't do that. , no. Gimme a five star review and I'd love to hear your actual feedback too. You can write a little comment in there and that really helps my podcast reach more people. So I would so appreciate it. And big air hugs. You deserve good friendships. You are amazing. You're a great friend. Speaker 1: (19:59)And f those people who are mean to you, . All right, see you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you.

Ep 18 Special Guest House of Ruth! Help for Domestic Violence Victims Including Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
HOUSE OF RUTH HELP/RESOURCES AND DONATION/VOLUNTEER INFORMATION BELOW:
House of Ruth, Domestic Violence Support Center – www.houseofruth.org; 202/667-7001, x515 (free, confidential counseling for trauma and abuse survivors)
• Office of Victim Services, Victim Hotline – www.DCvictim.org; 1-800-844-5732 (4HELPDC)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233
• DC Volunteer Lawyers Project - www.DCVLP.org
Resources- Adolescents and kids
• Veto Violence- dating violence prevention training for teachers, coaches, school personnel, youth
leaders https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/datingmatters/
• Kids Help Line- online resource for broaching difficult topics for kids 5+
https://kidshelpline.com.au/kids/issues
• Love is Respect- safe dating resource for teens with phone/text support
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
• Teen Dating Violence Prevention Guide- icebreakers and activities
https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/Building_Healthy_Relationships_Across_Virginia_Unit
• ChAMPS- on-call, mobile mental health emergency service for DC youth www.dbh.dc.gov; (202) 481-
1440.
 
Want to  learn more about donating or volunteering? You can contact House of Ruth chief development officer Elizabeth Kiker via email at ekiker@houseofruth.org
-----------
Christy Jade Coaching info:
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:02)Welcome to, but still she thrives. We have a very special guest today, Leona Brannan, and she works for the House of Ruth. And this is a resource I wanted to share with you guys who are local to the DC Maryland area. So we're really just, uh, gonna share this information and share what the House of Ruth does. So welcome Leona. Speaker 2: (00:28)Thank you. Thank you for having me, Christy. Speaker 1: (00:31)Yes. Thank you for being here. So we'll just dive right in. What is the house of Ruth's mission? First, we'll start there . Speaker 2: (00:39)Sure, sure. So the House of Ruth, we were founded in 1976 by a Georgetown University professor named Veronica Madz. Um, she noticed in teaching her students and taking them out in DC to do volunteer work, she noticed that she walked past a homeless man laying on the street in DC mm-hmm. how she felt passing him by. Speaker 1: (01:03)Yeah. Speaker 2: (01:03)And really understanding there are major issues and challenges that can need to be met when it comes to the unhoused homelessness. Um, and particularly for women. Um, and especially for women who are leaving domestic violence situations. Um, so our mission essentially is to empower women, children, and families to rebuild their lives and heal from trauma and abuse and homelessness. You know, our services include support enriched housing for families and for single women. Mm-hmm. Also, trauma-informed care via our developmental daycare, kids space and free counseling at the D V S C or domestic violence support center where I work. Um, and that's designed to empower anyone regardless of gender, who are survivors of trauma and abuse. Speaker 1: (01:50)That, that's awesome. I love that. And just before we continue, what specific area of people are looking for this resource? One of the many that you offer, which, you know, I didn't even know the childcare aspect until I talked to you previously. So there's just, there's a lot of stuff you guys do, but specifically what area do you serve if someone is looking for this? What are the, I guess, limitations geographically? Speaker 2: (02:14)Definitely. So for housing, um, the main eligibility requirement is to be a DC resident. Okay. Um, we're grant funded for our housing programs and also for our, um, counseling services. So we have different stipulations for housing. That's one of 'em. You have to have, uh, DC residency established mm-hmm. and you work with the team from there for counseling. There isn't a, uh, residential, uh, requirement. It's just to, if you're interested in counseling and you've experienced any form of trauma or abuse, um, especially in, in regards to interpersonal relationships, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. A lot of times our clients, um, who seek services here have had difficult family experiences that have been emotionally, physically, financially abusive. Um, that has either led to homelessness or, or periods of homelessness or just really dysfunction or dysregulation in the day-to-day life. That's for the counseling service and for the developmental daycare. Makes sense. You have to be in DC Um, it is located in southeast DC and so it's really servicing and providing that support for the community there. But people drive their children across DC to get there. Um, cause it is such a support enriched program. Speaker 1: (03:33)Right. And so as far as the housing, what is the setup for that pre discounted? I know you have mentioned HUD vouchers when we were talking, so just trying to give an idea to those in DC that could use it, what to expect Speaker 2: (03:48)For sure. So we do have a really great intake process that works with each individual in, in looking at their particular situation. Um, cuz we do have individuals who are currently working and needing that support to have affordable housing. And so we do, you know, do kind of a subsidized, uh, rental assistance program there and helping people to connect with, uh, safe and clean housing. Yes. And if you have challenges or any issues, those barriers with being able to get a lease because there've been issues with your rental history. Mm-hmm. That's where House of Ruth helps out with that too. That's great. We also have transitional housing on in that are kind of dormitory style for folks who are experiencing like crisis housing and needing some crisis support. And so for single women, we have programs where you're at a location, a secured and safe location for, could be 12 to 18 months before you transition to permanent supportive housing or independent housing. Again, all of our programs are support and enrich. So that means that you'll have some case management support. You'll have a person who's gonna help you walk through all of the resources and benefits that you're eligible for to help establish that foundation for independence. Speaker 1: (05:07)Yes. And I know there is such a great need for this type of resource, which means there can sometimes be a wait mm-hmm. . Yes. At this time or in general, is there a wait list? Is there a general time people wait and if so, where do you kind of direct them or what do you advise them to do in that situation? Speaker 2: (05:27)So when I receive callers, um, asking more questions about housing, I do direct them to our intake line. Mm-hmm. , because we have seven programs for single women and six programs for women and children. Yeah. It varies and depending upon each individual's particular situation, you might be able to be placed within the week or might be a few weeks. Mm-hmm. , there might be some additional things to kind of work through first. So our intake line is really helpful. Uh, they know all of our programs and they're really, they're better versed than I am in the kind of steps to take. So that's where I direct people essentially. We receive all of the calls essentially, or it feels like all of the calls Yes. Um, to our main line here. And so I, I do direct people that way so they can get the specific information for their specific situation. Speaker 1: (06:19)Yeah. It's great to have such a variety cover all bases. And that's great to know that they could actually get in quicker than one would maybe think because of the, of the demand, you know, the unfortunate demand, right. That there is a demand for this. Speaker 2: (06:34)Yeah. And it has gone up. It has gone up because of the pandemic. Speaker 1: (06:38)So with the counseling and you said it's kind of the eligibility's pretty open, what, what is offered? Is there anything resources that, just to give another idea of, I know there's emotional support mm-hmm. , but gaining access to certain other resources like education or, um, childcare outside of, if, you know, like I said, if there is, you know, not space at that time or legal issues, thing like that. Speaker 2: (07:06)Gotcha. Gotcha. So the biggest thing we run into is, you know, because of the demand at times we do have a bit of a wait for, uh, therapy and being matched with a counselor after you do your intake for counseling mm-hmm. . Um, so I let people know on the front end if it's gonna be four weeks, six weeks, things like that. And at intake, every client is provided with a list of resources and that we walk through and talk through and also safety planning tips to really help the set the stage for what they can expect in terms of the support from our program. So my team, we're all licensed mental health counselors. And so our first, first and foremost, our first uh, kind of focus is on trauma and healing. Mm. Right. Yes. So we, we do a lot of talk therapy, a lot of, uh, skills building with the focus on, you know, helping our clients identify their goals that really contribute to their life worth living. Speaker 2: (08:02)Now, understandably, it's not just, I wanna feel better, I want to live better. There's all these other pieces that contribute to that course. Like my housing stability, financial stress and strain, childcare. Mm-hmm. . And so in having, I guess this will be less of a case manager, we do help clients connect with case management and find a, a good program that fits them. But having that person to meet with and talk through your plan and have like that support and encouragement as you're calling these numbers and maybe getting a little bit of a runaround and feeling frustrated, having a safe place to land with that is, is it's super helpful from the feedback I get from clients. So I like to let people know we're traumatologists mm-hmm. . So we really focus on helping our clients learn the skills they need to really advance and move forward in their life. And understanding that additional resources beyond the scope of counseling can be needed at times. And so you just have that additional support to navigate , the wide system that we have in DC Yes. To really put those pieces in place one, one piece at a time. Speaker 1: (09:09)That's great because I, you know, I can imagine coming out of a abusive situation and even if you're just on the other side of it, but having to feel so overwhelmed with all the things that come along besides traumas, like you said, that's first and foremost you wanna work on that. But all these other things that are just almost seem like such a hard task to someone who has just gone through something traumatic. Mm-hmm. , I mean, even getting up in the morning or taking a shower can be hard . So yeah, it's really great to have that support there right away, even if you can't get to the counseling part right away. Which is, it's just nice. And I did wanna kind of touch on that cuz I remember you did say that you guys do offer a list and resources right away. So my podcast is mostly focused on after people are out of a situation, a toxic situation. Like you said, it could be romantic, it could be family. And I do know you and I wanted to just make this clear, you all do help people with exit strategies cuz some people come to me and I don't really work on that. Right. So if you could just, I guess, touch on what you do as far as that. Are you dealing with people who come and say, Hey, I, I don't even know where to start. I'm still in a situation mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (10:26). Yeah. Okay. Yes. When we have clients who are still living in a abusive or unsafe situation and then kind of unsure about if and how to leave, our big focus at that juncture is, is working on identifying those steps that they would feel safe taking. It's kind of thinking through your therapist, right? Your therapist isn't or shouldn't mm-hmm tell you exactly what to do. Right. Speaker 2: (10:57)We can't kind of prescribe to our clients this is what you need to do. What we are able to focus on are the safety steps that can help other or have helped other people. Mm-hmm. and giving our clients the ideas. So considering, you know, where, how do you save things in your phone, how would you save these resources in a way if you're concerned that your partner or the person that you're living with would have access to it or see that you don't want them to. Right. What are safe ways to save and keep resources? How do you kind of strategize around where you would go, you know? Mm-hmm. , let's consider the different options in your natural support system. And then we look at the options within the city. So planning where to go, who to call, and how to keep that information as safe and secure as possible is really that kind of early on. Speaker 2: (11:55)Like, let's consider some options, also strategies to leave with children. Cause that can look a little bit different as well. Yes. Um, so I really work with my clients, especially my mom's, on identifying what are the steps that you feel the most comfortable and safe with doing first, what is plan B, C, and D . Right? Right. Worst case scenario. Right. So we think through these things and for clients it's also great to have a place that you're coming to where I can write it down and save it and keep it and we could come back to it if you don't feel comfortable taking that with you. Cuz again, that fear is there of what would the person figure out what I'm trying to do. Right. Um, so you really consider all of these elements of safety, of feeling, feelings of security to make this very big leap in change. Speaker 1: (12:46)Yes. Yes. Uh, I love that you guys do that and support them through that earlier stage. And like you said, it's gonna look different for everybody. And you know, with my podcast, yes I have advice on a specific niche, but you know, with that comes, everyone's story's different and there are real fears. Mm-hmm. , especially in this type of situation, you have violent people that can be evolved. There's some real fears there. So you've gotta stay within someone's comfort zone and keeping them safe obviously is, you know, top priority. So that being said, what advice do you have for women who are finally getting out of an abusive or toxic situation? Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (13:30), I would say first and foremost, connecting as early as possible with support programs like House of Ruth. I think that really makes a difference because when we're in the most difficult times in our lives, it can be really isolating. Hmm. When we're experiencing really the worst kinds of abuse, the worst kinds of, of neglect from the people who are closest to us. Whether it's recent or it's well in the past, there can be a lot of emotions that come up from that as you're trying to build your life. We work with folks who, you know, are actively working on changing their lives, whether it's via employment, whether it's via, you know, education or just reestablishing a fully independent life on your own with or without kids. There's so many emotions that come up through that. And as you're navigating going to school or going to work the day-to-day grind of, of, of whatever your life situation looks like, being able to have a, again, a safe place to land a support system around you, it's just invaluable. Speaker 2: (14:46)And it does help in reducing severity of crises at times too. Right. Because again, not being by yourself and not feeling totally isolated, you're more likely to be able to kind of think through and work through what you would wanna do and strategize a little bit earlier in the, in the, in the game. Mm-hmm. . Um, so no matter where you are in your process, if you're just considering like, Hmm, maybe this could be better or maybe I want things to be different, connecting with a support program. I big advocate for House of Ruth and, and calling us and, and at least having someone help you kind of navigate, uh, the vast social service system that we have here. You may talk with multiple programs and organizations before you find the right one before you feel that level of support. But starting that early, I would definitely recommend it. I would also say having a plan pre and post exit, you know, that can be helpful too. Just an idea in mind so you don't have to just headli it and kind of take things as they come. It can make leaving feel a little bit more doable. Speaker 1: (15:57)Yes. Speaker 2: (15:57)You know, if you're thinking it through and you have a support behind you, and even if you've left in the past and you're like, man, I've done this before and I've come back and I've come back, this could be the time that it makes the most difference and that it actually sticks. Right. This can be the time where this change is lasting. So I encourage people to give yourself, give yourself grace and space to, to make these big changes. And knowing that it's not all or nothing, it might not look perfect. Mm-hmm. it may not be the best and the most comfortable situation. Um, but having support makes it even better to like be able to achieve it. Right. We have some new success stories from our programs and, and people who've come from really dark times. Yeah. And so we see that with the right support you can achieve the better life that you want for yourself. I would also recommend starting counseling early. I'm a big proponent for therapy. Speaker 1: (16:54)Me too. . Absolutely. Speaker 2: (16:56)I think it's so important no matter where you are in life, to take time to slow down and, and really have that therapeutic open environment and safe space to explore, to unpack and uncover maybe things that you hadn't before. And learning how to deal with it, be with it self-soothe. Um, I think we all could use that, especially after the years, couple years we've had, you know, to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself and for others while you're trying to create a new normal. All of these things we aren't taught in school. So having therapy gives you a space to really learn it and incorporate it into your life. Speaker 1: (17:38)Yes. That's a whole other, uh, podcast where I, I think I talked to you about that. I just would love to see more of this taught in school, proactive avoidance of getting into these situations, right? Mm-hmm. , because it starts so young, it can start really young. So that's something I'm passionate about as well and, you know, gonna tap into that in the future. So yes, I totally agree that, and I think it's important for us to, you know, send that message out that it's never too early to come to you guys. It's never too early to start with the questions. Even if you're not sure this is how you can decide you get support, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And another thing I did wanna mention, because I have had people, you know, clients of mine say, well, you know, he doesn't hit me or something. Speaker 1: (18:27)Right. I just wanna reiterate, and maybe you can speak to it, a little of abuse is just not physical. And I know that like the back of my hand now, but when I was younger and going through things that I did, I was in it and didn't realize how much the emotional and other, other things could have a toll take a toll. And I think that's more common than we realize with people in abusive situations, even if it is physical dis well he, he only hit me once or he, you know, there's just this idea of kind of dismissing it. So I guess if you could speak to any of that before we, um, get going here just popped up and I thought we'd touch it real quick. Speaker 2: (19:07)And that's really important and that's a big thing that, you know, we teach as we do, we do a lot of, uh, community presentations, especially around domestic violence awareness month. That's when we have our busiest time. Mm-hmm. and I talk a lot about this dynamic that in relationships, especially intimate partner relationships, it doesn't start off as physical. You know, we, we educate and learn about the red flags internally and externally that can come up in a relationship and how to read those early sign, you know, if I set up a boundary or say no to something, the person's response to it is really important. It's really telling. And so we're gathering information and, and helping our clients and the folks that we connect with in the community know what those early warning signs look like. Know what that power and control dynamic, how that can come up early in a relationship or over time. Speaker 2: (20:08)And really being able to hear those internal red flags because we hear about like, oh, that's a red flag. This is something that someone is doing that isn't good. Right. But what about those internal ones that come up? If I express myself and the person I'm speaking to says something negative or derogatory, that makes me feel bad about what I'm saying. That is speaking to me. That is telling me something about how this dynamic can make me feel. And if I address that with the person and I still feel unheard or hurt by their response, those internal feelings are really important to Q into and to listen to. Speaker 1: (20:45)Absolutely. I always say, listen to your body. If you really get quiet enough and you let your thoughts escape. I'm big on meditation and prayer because in those moments you can check in even if you're outside of the actual moment where you know it does sting or, or you feel dismissed or undervalued mm-hmm. when you sit in silence. And for me that can be prayer, meditation, whatever. You really can ask yourself questions and essentially quote, listen to your body. You know, like mm-hmm. , our body, our heart, our, I mean it's, we're always communicating to ourselves. It's just a matter of listening. Right. Speaker 2: (21:19). Exactly. And learning how to listen. Cause it's not automatic. No. There's so many thoughts that come through your mind at one point in time that it can be hard to slow down a little bit. Speaker 1: (21:31)Totally. Especially when you're kind of in survival mode. I mean, so that's a whole other situation, right. So it's like surviving and trying to listen and, and do all that can be tricky. But you know, Speaker 2: (21:45)I also wanna mention how relationships, especially in the beginning, they tend to feel great. Mm-hmm. , we call it as like the honeymoon stage. Yes. Right. And, and everything is awesome and exciting. You know, I have a number of clients who've been in therapy with me for some time and they're in a new relationship and it's so great and so exciting and they're a little bit afraid because they kind of know of what's happened before mm-hmm. , you know, so a little bit of that historical, you know, information is, is coming to the forefront, but even still in the moment, it's so great and it's so exciting and that's the most, that's the loudest message. Yes. That this person likes me, I feel good, I feel great. And so even then we work on and we talk about, let's consider what your boundaries are and and see safe ways in, in early ways to kind of throw them out there to learn this person. Yes. And give yourself the opportunity to hear what would come up for you if you set a boundary or if you asked for something or you said no to something, what would that look like and how would you feel? So understanding that those early stages, especially of dating, no matter what age you are, you are a detective and you're learning Yes, absolutely. You're wanting to know who this person is and how they make you feel. And in addition to all the great feels in the beginning mm-hmm. Speaker 1: (23:06). Right. Great point. And on the heels of that, when people have gotten out of the situations and you're looking back, even in my own situation, a lot of times we kind of forget like well the bad kind of sinks down and we are clutching onto those good moments. Mm-hmm. . And so we can, that's where you can get kind of pulled back in and if, you know, a lot of abusers can do the power control and manipulation and tug on your heartstrings, they know what buttons to push. So that's just another thing kind of similar even on the other end where I'm sure you guys, you know, help with that on the post leaving, trying not to get sucked back in because that's, that can be common as well. Speaker 2: (23:46)Well for me I could, because again I'm totally respectful of my client's choices. Mm-hmm. , I have had clients who've resumed a relationship and really my focus and goal is supporting them and doing it in a healthy way to make choices in a healthy way. Right. To continue to build their self-confidence, their inner dialogue and keeping it going. Yes. Um, because whew, it, it can be difficult to, especially when families are involved, it can really be difficult to not have a relationship with maybe a close family member, maybe a parent. Right. You know, and so navigating how to maintain a relationship you wanna maintain in a way that also maintains your self-respect and your safety. We practice and learn how to do that as well. Speaker 1: (24:39)Yes. And that's like you said, those boundaries like mm-hmm that's setting up the boundaries cuz yes there are situations and even co-parenting that, you know, with an ex mm-hmm , there are situations either, like you said, you want to maintain some sort of contact or you have to. So yes, navigating that balance where you can still feel good in that relationship somehow. And I, I agree that it's, do you know it's doable, it's just work and so support is really important. Well thank you so much. Also, I did wanna talk really quickly. I know you have opportunities for volunteering. I believe there's ways to donate. So if you can touch on that and I will have all of the links to all the information in my show notes for the podcast, but I just want you to give a little synopsis, Speaker 2: (25:27)For sure. So we've had such a great development team, um, led by our development kind of, I call her the president that's probably not her title but call her development president cuz she's so on it. Her name is Elizabeth Kiker and she's easily reached via phone and email, um, which I'll give to you to add to your notes. Yes. Great. Um, and she really does a great job on identifying the, the biggest areas of need in our organization and introducing people to what we do, how we work and, and also connecting many organizations beyond. Like we work with a lot of other organizations within DC and so being able to have just that wealth of knowledge from Elizabeth, she has so much in terms of opportunities with us and also how to support the work we do at large. So I would definitely say to connect with Elizabeth if you're interested in donating your time, donating supplies cuz we do support a lot of, you know, and women and also kids mm-hmm. , you know, a lot of times we don't have fun things for them to do. And so having those just community supports makes such a big difference in just the experience that our, our families have, uh, while they're with our program. Speaker 1: (26:44)Great. Yes. So I will definitely put all those links and I'll try to get the direct links to each, each thing on the website, um, and then her information will provide that. Yeah. And I guess that is it. This is, uh, just thank you for what you do. Um, I'm so excited we got to do this little collaboration and, and get the word out more because Speaker 2: (27:05)It's such a, I appreciate you for spreading the word. I love to talk about House of Ruth and what we do and I'm super appreciative for the opportunity to, to share that with your listeners. Speaker 1: (27:15)Yeah, I'm very excited. So thank you so much and we'd love to have you back on to talk about maybe different topics in more depth and we'll love to talk to you soon. Speaker 2: (27:25)Definitely would love to come back. Thank you Speaker 1: (27:27)Christie. All right. Yes. Thank you, Leanna. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com
 
 

Ep 17 How to Protect Your Kids from Your Narcissist Ex

*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
fiercemamac@gmail.com  
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)One of the most important things when co-parenting with a narcissist is the obvious. You want to protect your children and it may be hard to protect them. A narcissist is not so fun and can manipulate, can drag them into it. There's a lot of tough things. But stay tuned for four ways to protect your kids. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course, Speaker 1: (01:46)You do have somewhat of a lack of control when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. So we have to focus on what you can control. Number one, talk to your child. And this is a very fine line, so I want you to be discerning when you are talking with your child. Um, it's, you know, you're trying to help them understand their other parent's behavior. If it's that bad that you feel the need to talk about it, make it age appropriate. Teach them that their parent's behavior is about that parent. I can't stress this enough and without totally trash talking, cuz we just talked about in the last last week's episode, we don't wanna trash talk the narcissist to our child. We don't wanna involve in get in all the drama, right? If the child brings up something like, why doesn't daddy X, Y, z? Why is mommy talk like this? Speaker 1: (02:39)Whatever The thing is that as they bring things up, it's important to respond in a very factual, emotionless way and say, you know, not everyone has the kindness and not everyone has the compassion that you and I do. While they don't have it, they do love you. They're, you know, if it's something about how they're treating the child and if it's abusive, obviously you wanna go to the authorities, but just, you know, if there's a disconnect or if they're dismissive of their feelings, things that they can't lose custody over but can still sting, you can just say, you know, they may not have compassion the way that you and I do and it means nothing about you. It's so important to let them know it has nothing to do with you and it's a them problem, you know, so be, again, very careful walking that fine line of trash talking versus simply explaining in a logical, very simple kind of flat, emotionless way, which can be hard. Speaker 1: (03:42)So you might need to take a breath and say, you'll explain later. If it's in the middle of something or you're having, you know, sympathy, empathy for your child and your emotions are coming up, you are allowed to say, okay, you know, let's talk about this in a couple hours, da da da. And kind of if you have to decompress or whatever before you address it, because it's very important to not pull your emotions into it if possible. These kids go through enough with a narcissist as a parent. Number two is not to take it personally, and this is something even with my own parents, they were divorced and you know, it was, my dad was like the fun parent. He was the every other weekend, gave me McDonald's, maybe took me fun places. My mom was the disciplinarian, the one who was working crazy hours trying to just feed us and keep the lights on. Speaker 1: (04:35)And there was a lot of background stuff I had no idea was going on that, you know, my dad was doing. And I wouldn't know that till adulthood in the last episode I mentioned, um, my mom did not trash talk and wanted to keep things separate for us, which I so appreciate. So it can be hard to not take things personally like, you know, I found a note once from my childhood. It was a picture of me and my dad and my brother, and it said, I love dad more. He takes me to McDonald's, right? And you may be familiar with that. If you are with a narcissist, they can be awful, but they can also be very charming. They can be very fun and sometimes they don't have to be a narcissist to do those things. It's just they're trying to make up for the time that they're not around. Speaker 1: (05:18)So we have to not take these personally as the parent that is more of the disciplinarian. You know, the one who has to be a little more serious and make sure things are rolling smoothly. When the children respond to a narcissistic parent first they could be in fear of that parent. Or like I said, that parent may put on the fun face and be the fun parent and try not to take it personally because it's not. It's your child trying to connect to both parents and that's absolutely normal as a child, right? You want to have the two parents in your life be very stable and you want that, that connection. You want to feel loved if they have a narcissistic parent. It's very common that that narcissistic parent, though they may be fun still may make the child feel not important or valued. Many times it could be the bulk of the time, but they still, you know, make it fun. Speaker 1: (06:14)But that child will still be seeking something. They're not getting filled by the parent. So they're seeking their approval and they want, they like desperately wanna connect because the narcissist makes it hard to connect. Whereas you, the healthy parent, you don't make it hard to connect, it's easy. They know they have you, right? So it's, they take you for granted. And this is, this is normal. That's childhood. Children are selfish by nature. Their brains don't fully develop till they're like 26. So we got a while , we got a while till they really get it and even maybe till their parents themselves. So alongside of it just being hard to parent children because they can be selfish. If you have a narcissist in the picture, it can be easy to be like, you know, well, why do they gravitate toward them or why do they see nice things in them when they're so horrible? Speaker 1: (07:09)It's just unfortunately part of the package and really try hard to not take it personally. I am telling you, eventually the child sees the narcissistic parent for what they are. It may take a year, it may take decades. We don't, it just depends on the child, the situation. But eventually the children will see the truth and as their adults get to make their own decisions and what they do with that relationship, this may seem obvious, but I gotta throw it in there. Watch for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse, anything. If you see any signs immediately report it to the authorities. Keep your child away and of course, document everything. Always document everything. I can't say that enough. That should be my tagline in my show. Document everything, all right, last, be a healthy parent. We're not gonna be perfect, right? Speaker 1: (08:05)We're just not. No one's perfect, no one's a hundred percent healthy. We all have our faults, but you can't choose how your partner parents, your child, but you can offset it with healthy parenting. So be a good role model. Coach your child through the rough patches. The antidote to your partner's narcissism is acceptance, stability, uplifting comments, and unconditional love. We don't need to flip to the other extreme of letting the child take over the house and letting guilt kind of guide our decisions and spoiling our children rotten. That can be damaging too, right? But there is a balance and you are going to have to compensate for the damage that they can do on the children. And that is, it's part of what, what we're signing up for here as co-parenting. This is probably not what you expected out of life, but here we are. Speaker 1: (09:02)So we have to manage it the best way we can. And you're the person, you're here. So obviously you're the healthier person looking to do better and be better and grow and thrive and you want your children to do the same. So you have to really not get sucked into the drama, not get sucked into the emotions, especially around your children, right? If you need a moment to cry or punch a pillow, go do the thing. But not in front of your kids. Don't talk about the situation to your girlfriend at volume 11 on the phone in the kitchen when your kid is right there in the living room next to you, kids hear everything. Let this be a reminder. So save those conversations for your private hour. I don't know what that is. That sounds, that sounds like a whole other podcast, but you know what I mean. Speaker 1: (09:49)When you have time without your child where they cannot hear you, they are not an earshot, then you have those conversations. So that is also healthy parenting kids only need one healthy parent. That's my view. Honestly. I think they need one healthy role model in their life. It's great to have obviously healthy friends and family to help support and be there to lean on for you and your child, of course. But I have seen amazing children come out of one parent households, very, very healthy children and many kids don't even get that, right? There are families that have two parents that are really messed up. So I know sometimes it feels lonely as the only healthy parent, but know that it's good enough. You are good enough. Be that healthy role model so they have a chance because that narc parent, it's not an easy road, but you are there to compensate for it and you're doing a great job and none of this is easy, but it's doable. Speaker 1: (11:00)And then we have to take care of our mind and body with, you know, all my other episodes going into rebalancing your nervous system, all that stuff is really important too. So make sure while you're going through this, you're also taking care of yourself. All right, so remember, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a queen co-parent. Check that out, okay? You're a queen co-parent now. See you soon. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.