Ep 60 | Holidays with a Narcissist : What to Expect

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Speaker 1: (00:00)
Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is holiday season here in the us so if you are in the US or anywhere that it is, holiday season, prepare yourself for narcissist craziness. You know, Jose freak freaks come out at night. Well, the narcissist come out especially hard, usually at the holidays. Every narcissist is different. So we can't blanket statement anything. But in my experience and my client's experience, they do kind of get triggered during this time. So stay close to dive into what to expect from a narcissist during the holiday season.

Speaker 1: (00:41)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace.

Speaker 1: (01:39)
All right? So like I mentioned during the holidays, they can be surprising to some if you really know, narcissistic can be almost predictable. But a lot of you are in those early phases of disconnection, or you're just realizing you're dealing with a narcissist. This is all, you know, sort of coming into fruition. So you may be surprised at some of the things that will happen because they are maybe the opposite of what we should be doing and feeling at the holiday time, right? So, like I said, this is just a blanket thing I'm gonna throw out there. If you have disconnected from a narcissist, odds are they may have already tried to reach out. Thanksgiving can be a trigger. Hanukkah, Christmas, any of those winter holidays can be a trigger because narcissists, what do they always need? They need that love and adoration and attention.

Speaker 1: (02:34)
And if you have disconnected from them, if there is a void in their life from that, and they need that to basically live, they need that narcissistic supply. You being absent will feel even more around holiday time, because that's the time that, you know, we all can, you know, come closer together. We have gatherings, you know, it's supposed to be supposed to be this feel good, um, connecting time. So narcissists during this time can really get triggered. If you are dealing with a narcissist, let's say, I know some of you are actually in relationships, maybe you're thinking of getting out of relationships, they can also just in general, act out and stronger during this time. Like they're traits can get even worse during the holiday season. So we will go into that. The first one. They can often, well, you know, narcissists crave attention in general, right?

Speaker 1: (03:28)
So they need that validation during the holidays. They may go to greater lengths to be the center of attention. That can be through grand gestures, like, oh, look at me, look what I'm doing. Dramatic stories, narcissists, you know, their stories can go from zero to a thousand very quickly, where reality is very different. Which, if you don't know this about narcissists, a lot of them live in delusion, right? They have this grandiose idea of themselves. So the delusions can always get greater and greater if it, if they feel a need to fill that void and seek that attention even more during the holidays. So again, every narcissist will be different, but you can pretty much bank on this that they will be seeking more attention around holiday time, whether you're disconnected or not with them. Number two, uh, we've, we've talked about this in many episodes, but manipulation.

Speaker 1: (04:26)
So, you know, they have this inflated sense of self-importance, this grandiosity. So during the holidays, this can manifest into bragging about their achievements of the year. Again, exaggerating the stories, their achievement of they got X, Y, Z could become, they got X, Y, Z and it was 10 times better than reality. Or, and this one is very, very common during holidays or whatever, they really expect special treatment. So, you know, birthdays, we all get a little special treatment, but holidays, it's, it's like everyone's holiday, right? But to them, they want extra treatment during this time, special treatment and that recognition. So again, the bragging the, um, entitlement can really shine the next one. Number four is difficulty with empathy. I don't even wanna say difficulty. It is, they, they don't have empathy, okay? So they struggle being done with empathy. So they're not attuned with your feelings, with others' feelings during all of this stress and chaos that can, I mean, look, we love holiday season, but there can be stress and chaos with planning, with just, if you have, um, custody issues, like it can really bring up a lot of stress or just, just kind of draining in some ways, right?

Speaker 1: (05:57)
So you may look to them or think maybe they can support you, but often they do not. So it could be one extreme or the other where they do special huge gestures for the attention. But then at the same time, or maybe behind the scenes, if you're married to a narcissist, you know how this can work on the outside, they act like, oh my gosh, I'm the best thing ever, and I do so much. And then behind the scenes, they're like, yeah, you're on your own and I'm gonna go, you know, play golf and let you do everything. So they might not engage in that spirit of giving or sharing unless, unless it directly benefits them. So keep that in mind and look out for that. So number five, conflict, criticism. The things, if you're with a narcissist, you're used to anyway, but they may respond to perceived slights or criticism anything.

Speaker 1: (06:57)
Like I said, if they're not supporting you and you're like, Hey, I really could use your support, they will get defensive and angry. Usually defensiveness with narcissists, many of them turns into anger. So they will turn that into a fight and create tension. And why do they do this? Because they're lacking control. What do narcissists always want? Control, right? They're always either trying to get control or regain control. So in this case, if they feel a little outta control, like, oh, I'm being put down because they're not showing up how they should because they don't need to. 'cause they're a grandiose narcissist, right? So if they're feeling like they're being slighted or put down, they're going to cause a big problem. They're gonna criticize you, flip it around on you, gaslight you maybe stomp you down until they're back in control. We don't like it.

Speaker 1: (07:54)
No, we're not here for it. Number six, sabotage. So this is a huge one. All the happy people in the world running around with all the Holly Jolly Christmas or Hanukkah exchanging presents, all of that can trigger a narcissist. And then they want to sabotage other people's happiness, right? Um, this could involve ruining plans. It could involve almost in like ruining their own plans. They don't care. I mean, they, they really don't care unless it's something like they thought of and they wanna do that thing. They really wanted to go to this basketball game, so they're not gonna ruin that. But if it's like a family event and it's not their super highest priority, they could absolutely try to sabotage that. Or sabotage, let's say your plans. You're all excited to go see this new funny Christmas movie with your girlfriends. Uh, he may start a fight right before you go to sabotage your fun.

Speaker 1: (08:54)
So they could either try to make you in a bad mood for the event or sabotage it to the point you don't even go. Or at an event they could sabotage it while you are there together, start a fight. Cause problems to the point, it's just you're miserable, but you stay because you have to show up for this work event. Let's say he, he really doesn't care about your work event, right? Um, so you're there, he's causing problems. You feel like you wanna cry, but you have to stay because it's a work event. And you were invited. You've only been there 15 minutes, or to the point that it's so bad that you feel embarrassed and you need to leave, right? These are all things that can happen. Um, so he remember, they like attention of any kind. So even if it's bad attention in general, they don't care that we could have another episode about that, because to an extent, they don't really wanna look like the bad guy to certain people.

Speaker 1: (09:50)
But that's a whole other episode. Number seven, superficial connections. This one, they, again, these are all things they tend to do anyway, but they're just amplified at the holiday season. Um, but they are more about appearances than genuine connections, right? So they may be more interested in how others perceive them than building actual meaningful relationships. And during the holidays, they may really amplify that. If they're single, they may even really like latch on to someone to just have by their side during the holidays, but they don't really care about them. It's just like, oh, it's a really beautiful woman. It's like almost like this trophy. So it's gonna be something again that's going to benefit them. Um, so that's something they may do. They do it anyway, but again, it can be amplified. And number eight, which goes in line with lack of empathy, but disregarding others' feelings.

Speaker 1: (10:52)
So we know they prioritize their own needs, right? During the holidays is no different. And it can result in them disregarding the feelings, preferences, or boundaries, which we know they, they know no boundaries. They cross all the boundaries of those they love during the holiday season. So you may say, look, I really need X, Y, Z, or I want you to not do this. And during the holidays, they can feel even more emboldened and needing that control. So they are going to hit even harder back and cross your boundaries and fight you when you try to fight for your boundaries. So there can be really explosive sort of interactions with narcissists during the holidays. These are all crappy things. I'm sorry to share this news with you, but if you're with a narcissist, you've experienced it, but sometimes we don't recognize the patterns that it's around, like worse at the holidays.

Speaker 1: (11:53)
But if you think back, and I have a friend who after she left her narcissist, they got divorced. When she was going through the process, I believe it was like during it, uh, she was saying to me, I realize he ruined every holiday and birthday of mine. I'm like, yeah, that's not a surprise. First of all, for a birthday, other people's birthdays, the attention off of them, oh, no way they're going to, they're going to take that attention or ruin it for you so you don't get the attention. Um, and then for holidays, like I said, it can be very triggering for different reasons. Um, for them where they need the attention, they need the control. So here's always my , my standard advice is stay as far away as a narcissist from narcissist as you can. That is always my first advice here. Um, they can be very dangerous emotionally, physically, everything, uh, depending on the particular narcissist, definitely emotional, no matter what.

Speaker 1: (13:00)
Physical depends on the narcissist. But holiday times it's hard for us too. They also know we can be vulnerable at holiday time, right? I mean, man, I had a narcissist ex that, oh, we broke up right before Christmas and talk about you. You don't wanna have a heart break ever a breakup ever. They suck, but around the holidays, oh, it's the worst. And I really thought it was it. I thought I was very strong. I was like, Nope, I'm not doing this again. I'm done. It was right before the holidays that, oh, Christmas Eve showed up diamonds and a poem and that sad look in his eye, , and it, and it worked. Moral of the story worked. We ended up breaking up, I think a couple months later. Um, but they know, they're smart at what they do, but once we figure them out, they become less smart because we, we can see through it.

Speaker 1: (14:01)
But if you don't know how they work, it's easy to be tricked. So I don't want you to feel guilt about that. I want you to understand they are, they're very good at what they do on manipulation and timing and vulnerability. They, they just know right? Holidays, it's a vulnerable time for us. So I'm just warning you in that, um, they may reach out, they may try to make you feel extra special, and they may kind of twist your mind to make you feel even worse about the situation and try to poke that vulnerable spot. So try to be strong if that's your situation. If you are disconnected, they odds are, we'll try to show up, unless I should have said this at the beginning. Unless they have a new source, a new supply that feeds their ego, a new girlfriend, right? Like someone who really filled your spot.

Speaker 1: (14:56)
And again, that doesn't mean that person is more special. I I need to do an episode on that too. It's nothing about you. Unfortunately, it was never about you. And you need to be with a healthy person that appreciates you. Narcissists don't appreciate anybody. They pick somebody who is good at feeding their ego. And if it doesn't get fed and the fights start and they're not getting what they want anymore, exactly how they want, you start to set boundaries, you start to stand up for yourself. Uh, they will toss you to the curb and replace you instantly with somebody else who will feed their ego. So it's unfortunate, it hurts, it sucks to surrender to that fact, but the sooner you do, the easier it is to start your healing journey. So all these things being said, if you want to grab a call with me, if you want to talk through any of this, um, to know how to navigate all of this, let me know.

Speaker 1: (15:52)
All of the ways to work with me are always in my show notes. I have a couple different packages going on right now, and I, I have like a one-off call. I have a monthly and then a three month, like, you wanna change your life. Let's go package . So if you need support, please check that out, or you can email me at fierce mamay at gmail. It is my email address is all always also in my show notes. So good luck this holiday season with these, these creepy narcissists and their big webs that suck us in. But you are strong. Let's, let's actually, let's, let's go ahead and do a little, uh, affirmation action. All right. Let's take a deep breath. If you're driving, keep your hands on the wheel and keep your eyes open. But you can listen. , take one more breath, okay? I am stronger than the narcissist in my life. Repeat that. Okay? I know my worth. Everything's going to be okay because I'm a queen. All right? Again, write me if you need anything, sign up for a call with me. Let's do this. Let's get you out of the sticky web of the narcissist. All right, love you guys. See you in the next podcast episode. Why am I talking creepily? I don't know. . Bye.