BUT STILL, SHE THRIVES | Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Trauma Healing

How to Stop Repeating Toxic Relationship Patterns After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in the same toxic patterns — whether it’s in romantic relationships, family dynamics, or even friendships? Maybe you’ve walked away from a narcissistic parent, partner, or sibling... but somehow, the same energy keeps showing up in different people. You’re not crazy — and you’re definitely not alone.
In this episode, we’re diving into why these unhealthy patterns repeat and exactly how to break the cycle for good. You’ll learn how trauma bonds form, how to spot the red flags within yourself, and what it takes to choose peace over chaos.
Whether you’re dating again, setting new boundaries with family, or simply doing the inner work, this episode will help you trust yourself, heal deeply, and rewrite your story.
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Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation
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TRANSCRIPT
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
(01:00)Welcome to, but still Sheet Thrives. It's your host, Christie, Jade. Good morning, good afternoon, good night. Wherever you are with your shiny queen crown, you are looking hot. All right? So I am really excited about this. Okay, I think I say that on every episode. I get really excited about all of this. I'm very passionate if you don't know. But today's episode we are talking about breaking patterns. This means breaking patterns for yourself. This means breaking patterns for your children, which I know all you mamas, I know not all of your mamas, but I have lot of mom clients. This is one of their biggest fears is their kids have, I can't word today, but seeing them with these patterns, worrying that they will also repeat the patterns, right? The children looking up to their role models, their mom. So we're going to talk about that.
(01:56)We're also going to talk about breaking that pattern within yourself. I know a lot of us worry when we are going through it or right after being out of a narcissistic relationship or just if we haven't really healed and it's a couple years later going, why am I still repeating these patterns? Why am I surrounding myself and not seeing red flags? So this is all important stuff, but we're going to try to knock it out here in this episode on a zoomed out approach. If you ever want more customized help, you're narcissistic recovery, coach Christie is here for you, and all the information on working with me as a coach will be in my show notes or a description, okay? So we're going to touch on why we repeat the patterns, the awareness being step one with anything. You got to be aware of what's going on and the new patterns you can create, right?
(02:51)New pattern, new you that you 2.0 as I always call it, and then we'll wrap it up. So let's dive in. Get your little flippers on. We are going to dive in Pool of fun. First of all, let's talk trauma loops and familiar dysfunction, okay? What feels familiar often feels safe, even if it's not. So I want you to think back whether you had trauma in your childhood or you were in a romantic partnership for a long time and you were used to that. When you get familiar to being mistreated, maybe you don't know any different because you grew up like this in your childhood and that could have led you to later having romantic relationships that were not so hot. Even friendships that were not healthy. We have that toxic word thrown around all the time, but that's what it is. Or even accepting abuse in an office environment.
(03:51)These things happen often because what feels familiar feels safe, even when it's harmful. Knowing that I want you to look at your life. What parts of your life were you not treated well? And you might have to go way back and it may have started again in childhood, may have started in a relationship in your teens, maybe your first little lovely romance in high school. There was some sort of dysfunction, some trauma, and it conditioned you to be almost tricked into feeling like this is comfortable, right? I won't say safe because it's not safe, but there can be comfort even if you don't feel safe because that is what you are used to, okay? So that's why we often repeat the patterns because either we don't know any better, we haven't lived with anything else or it feels the most comfortable, so we tolerate it.
(04:57)So again, it could be from childhood, past relationships, even office relationships, even the mailman. No, that probably didn't happen. Alright, so there's that. And if you didn't have the modeling of healthy boundaries and love, if you had a parent that stepped all over your boundaries and spit on 'em and chewed 'em and spit 'em out again, all of that, you didn't know any other way. You didn't have that loving, healthy relationship where someone respected you and you could be tricked because if you had a narcissistic parent, let's say you would get love bombs. So on one hand you're like, oh my gosh, they made me feel so special at times and they would shower me with gifts at times. And then on the other side of that though, in turn, what did they do? They dismissed you, they manipulated you, they gaslit, you twisted everything around, right?
(05:56)They abused you. They could have mentally, emotionally, physically abused you and then, oh, I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. Maybe they didn't say sorry, but they can when they want something or they want that cycle to continue. If you look up the abuse cycle, I have a whole episode on it. It explains a lot of that. So if you had a very toxic modeling growing up, that can also be why you repeat those patterns. You don't have the knowledge. You don't even know what it feels like to have a very healthy, balanced relationship. So it makes sense. You would repeat the pattern. So we're not going to go shaming ourselves or blaming ourselves. So then we get to the awareness, identifying the red flags in yourself. And this is where I feel bad, but you know me, I'm always going to give it to you straight.
(06:52)I am always going to give it to you loud and clear. People pleasing and me and my husband have had this conversation where he feels like it shouldn't be a negative thing. People pleasing like it's supposed to be a positive thing. People pleasing to me is not positive. I know, I know. Hold it in. Don't yell at me just yet. Being kind to people, positive, loving people positive. Putting others above yourself at certain times for certain situations. Positive being a people pleaser, which really means you are just trying to please people all the time. That usually includes excluding yourself or putting people first before you or feeling so uncomfortable saying no to people that you go against your own grain. That is a negative. So that is a red flag in yourself. People pleasing is not at all. It's cut out to be okay. I know it might hurt.
(08:01)Just shake it off. We still got more. So you got to be tough here on this show. Alright, ignoring your gut instincts. The feeling, it's when you were, let's say, dating that guy before you were married and you felt like, oh, he got pretty angry right there. That felt like that didn't feel right inside. But then he got me those beautiful flowers and he took me on that beautiful trip to Hawaii. Shit, I'll take him. Just kidding, just kidding. He took me to Hawaii and he told me how beautiful it was. He makes me feel so special. But what was your body feeling? What was your body going through? I myself dated this guy in my early twenties. I call us Eminem and what was his damn ex's name? Kim Eminem and Kim where? And he was not physically abusive. I'll add that in there.
(08:58)But there was a lot of ups and downs and I remember that gut instinct. I mean it flared up all the time. I'd be like, God, he is so dismissive. And he would cancel plans on me like last minute all the time and just how he spoke to me. He called me names, not nice names, not ones I'd feel comfortable writing down on a piece of paper. One started with the C, okay, I'll give you that hint and that, but was then met with poetry, flowers on my car in the middle of the night. We didn't live together. He would come up 30 minutes for his, I'm so sorry. After he would treat me like dog dudes. And that happened continuously. Talk about the cycle of abuse. Oh my goodness. I went to a therapist during this time and she literally did a diagram on a big piece of paper and was like, Christie, this is you.
(09:57)You are in this wake up. That was my gut instinct, knowing damn well she was right. I cried. I wouldn't cry if it wasn't right. I cried and I stayed because I ignored that gut instinct until I couldn't anymore. And thank God I got out asta baby. The other thing is overexplaining, when you have to overexplain, I'd be like, well this is overexplaining for people covering up for people. Oh, well he had to do this because this and this and this. And he did that because it did over explain, over excusing, let's call it. Okay, so when you are over excusing people, when you're ignoring the gut instincts and people pleasing, we're going to wave that red flag. I literally have my arm up in the air like a crazy person over here. No one can even see me waving the red flag. Okay, that's your red flag that you have control of.
(10:53)That's the beautiful thing. Okay, so notice what you're drawn to next. Are you drawn to intensity? I was addicted. I think to that high there were the highs and the lows. What's that though? That's inconsistency. So you are used to whether you're drawn to it, you want to say, going back to what's familiar, that familiarity of the up and down and up and down, which I had from my childhood. There was somewhere in my childhood that I had an up and down relationship and guess what felt super familiar that did when I had my romantic relationship. It's like, oh well this is love. That's what I thought. Oh yeah. Oh well, it's just what happens in relationships. I didn't know any better. There's big highs and there's low lows. It's chaotic. So you are actually being drawn to chaos, intensity and inconsistency. So I'm here to tell you, in case you don't know yet and you haven't experienced it, there is consistency. Love. I'm going to say love, not there is love is consistency. Love is not intensity. Healthy love is not intense up and down. Okay? And it's understanding. And I bet if you were in a narcissistic or abusive situation, there was not understanding. Yeah. Now I want you to create your emotional red flag list. What does that mean? Emotional red flag list. Let's look at yourself. Are you a people pleaser?
(12:42)Do you ignore your gut instincts? Do you make excuses for people? Do you speak reasons to yourself about how you may cause certain things? Because that is what an abusive person will manipulate you to believe. And you might still have some of that now. So evaluate yourself and if you need help again, want to work one-on-one to create this list, email me. We can have a call to help evaluate yourself so you can be aware of what exactly you are doing on your end that you can control. You might not think you can. I'm here to tell you, sister, I turned it all around. Here I am. I people pleased a lot in multiple relationships in my life and I am now ask anyone. I know it's a big nope for me. Now, I am not a people pleaser. I'm kind, I'm loving. I do what I need to do for the right people who deserve it. And then also strangers and I do give to charity and all that good stuff too, but I will not sacrifice my peace for somebody else. Okay, so this is going to get us to the new patterns, the new you 2.0 practical steps. Pause before choosing. I love this. And ask yourself, I want you to write this down in your notebook. Write on top of that emotional red flag list. Ask yourself this important question. Is this piece or just familiar chaos?
(14:31)Is it familiar chaos? Is it familiar or is it peace because you deserve peace? It may be boring at first. Trust me, my husband boring. He's not boring. But at the beginning of our relationship, I felt like, what the hell? There's no issues, no problem. I mean there was one problem that I made a bigger problem because I needed chaos because that's what I was used to. But kibosh that thank God there was no real problems, there was no real issues. It was so peaceful. I didn't know what the hell to do with it. Now I'm so glad I chose peace. Okay, also rewiring your nervous system. I've got an episode on that meditation, somatic healing, slowing the F down, not thinking everything is so urgent. You might have some of that. I do. I still have a twinge of it. I'm not perfect. This queen is not.
(15:27)I might be a queen, but I'm not God, I still have that. It's like an urgency we get if you've gone through abuse, you develop an urgency usually where you're kind of on edge. So that can make us have inside of our bodies more of a tension where we like to do, do we have to be doing right? You can go opposite too. But for those who can relate to that, you need to slow down. And if you're depressed and you're too slow laying on the bed, we need to get up and get our body moving. Body moving either way is great. It's the way you do it. You have to evaluate if you're going way too fast, you need to stick some yoga, some meditation in there. Do some breath work. And I do all of this stuff with my clients. I have somatic healings.
(16:19)That's all we do. They're amazing. If you're interested, pop me a if email or I'll put my link there too. But you have to rewire your nervous system and you do it from the inside out with somatic healing. It's the inside and you are working from there instead of that head therapy work, which it has its place too. Now, if you are going into dating, if you are, I know a lot of my clients are divorced, starting to date, maybe you're not even thinking about it yet and you're just friending. You're just finding a new crew of friends. You've dropped some of them. They were controlling just like your ex. There's so many situations we could have here, but we have to do that from our healed self, not our old wounds. So you do want to be in parallel making sure you're doing the work, you're doing the meditation, you're doing the somatic work.
(17:14)You're with a therapist, you're with a coach like yours, truly, right? Because if you're entering relationships with your old wounds, it's not going to work out. I'm just going to let you know that that's not saying you can't go on dates and whatever, but until you're really doing this work, you need to go very slowly in your relationships. Don't be a jumper. Okay? So for this, let's do a journal prompt. In that lovely book you can do, you have your emotional red flag list and your little quote is this piece or familiar chaos. And now you can add a journal prompt. What does safe feel like? Not just exciting, what does safe feel like in your body? What does safe feel like in your mind spiritually, anything in any way you want to write it. What does safe feel like? Truly buzzword for us. Okay? That is one of my affirmations I do with myself almost every day. I used to do 'em every day, multiple times a day when I was doing the heavy work. I feel like I'm on maintenance now, but I am safe. The first time I said that, guys, that affirmation, I cried a river. The Nile River actually came out of my freaking eyes, my tear ducts. It was crazy. I have really big tear ducks.
(18:57)So look, you are not doomed to repeat these patterns. Every conscious choice is a little sparkle in your new foundation. Okay? So just start light. After you do your list, look at one emotional red flag, one pattern. You are ready to break today and you can email me. I'd love to hear, email me. What is one pattern? You're ready to break and I will send you back. I promise I will write back to every one of you. What's one pattern you're ready to break? And I will send an encouraging response back and maybe a little tip if you need it. You can ask me if you want a little tip. So these are not repeating the patterns. And maybe I'll do a separate episode. This is a little longer than I thought it would be about repeating patterns for our children. This alone, guys obviously helps because you are a role model.
(20:00)So what you are living, oh, who said this was it? I might've been my B fff. I think she told me this quote. Yes, it was okay. She said she heard this somewhere. I don't know where, but I love it. Your children don't absorb what you say to them. They absorb who you are. Now say it again for the people in the back. All the way in the back. Your children don't absorb what you say to them. They absorb who you are. That means you got to live it. You can't say don't let anyone treat you poorly and then have your best friend be talking down to you and demanding you be here at this time. And they see that it makes no sense. They're watching mom be treated like dooo bags while you're telling them not to be treated like dooo bags. That's not how it works, sis.
(20:54)Okay, so that's a big one. I love that quote. Write that down. You have a lot of writing today in a writing mood. So we can do another podcast more specific to that. I'll write a note to do that. But just doing this work yourself is such a huge step in breaking the cycle. They are absorbing everything. My daughter, I should do an episode on what my daughter has learned from me. She could tell you she's 10 years old and she's the healthiest human I've ever met in my life. So just saying all that to say that just modeling does way more than you think. But I will do a podcast more specific to what are things you can say or do specifically with your child to help them not break? No, we want them to break the patterns, to not continue the patterns that you maybe have been continuing.
(21:51)The people pleaser, the tolerating certain things we should, not the believing things that crush our confidence, any of that. We don't want that for our kids. We always want our kids to have it better than we did. That's every parent's dream, isn't it? So you are not doomed. Don't worry, you got this. And of course, sign up. And for my Facebook, I have a private free Facebook group. Go get in there. And also if you want to have one-on-one coaching with me, we have fun. We have fun, and it is empowering and it will shift your life. I'm just going to throw it out there. I haven't had one client complaint about their shift when they have done ongoing work with me. So again, my link will always be there in the description. I hope you guys have a beautiful day. Let's take a big deep breath in and let's do a couple affirmations. That's how I roll. Inhale through the nose and release out the mouth.
(23:01)Inhale through the nose, out through the mouth, and then repeat after me. Let's do this one together guys. If you're driving, don't say it out loud. I don't want you crying all over the road. I am safe. I'm going to say it again. I am safe. I am deserving. I am deserving because I am a queen. There you go, you got it. Alright, I will see you in the next episode. Love, love, love. And don't forget to email me to tell me what little red flag of emotion is on your list that you would like to shift most. And it's fierce Mama C at Gmail. I always put it in my show notes, but it's fierce mama. M-A-M-A-C at Gmail. Alright, see you in the next one. Bye.

The Best Ways to Meditate To Rebalance Your Nervous System

After abuse, our bodies still remember, even if we have done the mind work. Keep these meditations in your practice arsenal to heal from the inside! Want to take your healing to the next level?
 
Grab your Survivor's Journey to Peace Call and Blueprint here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
 
My Empowered Boundaries Course:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
 
 
Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. This is Christie, and today we're gonna talk about 12 different kind of out of the box ways to meditate. Speaker 2: (00:11)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. All right, so Speaker 1: (01:07)Meditation is a practice that can take many forms and there are some creative outside of the box. Like I said, approaches to meditation. I am a huge advocate of meditation. It has changed my life. And if you are a person who has gone through abuse or trauma, meditation is really an amazing way in addition to your healing journey. Um, so yes, definitely use some of these approaches. Try them out if you haven't already and email me. My email is always in the show notes. You can email me and let me know which one is your favorite. Number one, walking meditation. I love this 'cause it incorporates something I'm very big on, which is moving your body to move that energy. So instead of sitting, you can practice meditation while walking. So you focus on each step, your breath or sensations you know, that are in your body as you move. Speaker 1: (02:04)I also sometimes like to focus on different things like the trees or the blue skies. Um, there are times I like to do like listen to a podcast, but I kind of view them as separate ways. But I do incorporate both. But when you wanna really be present, just focusing on something you know, like your breath, like something visual is a really cool way to do walking meditation. This is really good for those of us who have a problem sitting still, which I did for a long time now. I've kind of conquered that and I can do sitting meditations. I can do them for a long time. But it took me a while to get there and this was kind of a good bridge for me to get present without having to sit there and like still kind of felt in my head. This kind of teaches you how to get out of it. Speaker 1: (02:51)So it's a good starting point. Number two, artistic meditation. So engaging in creative activities like painting, drawing, sculpting, those adult coloring books or little kids coloring books. I'm not gonna judge. So letting your artistic expression flow without judgment, right? Like don't go in trying to be a perfectionist about the art. Just letting your intuition guide you and seeing what comes up. Sometimes all color, do art and words come up too, like this just kind of flow outta me. Um, it can turn into like an art slash free writing session. So playing around with your artistic creative, um, vibes if you will. I know a lot of you are creatives out there and it's a really good way to be able to do it without making it like a typical project where you're trying to make it perfect or you have a main goal, you have an outcome you're trying to get to. Speaker 1: (03:47)It's just like free flow and I love it. I just sounded like a valley girl. I love it. Oh my god. All right, next laughter Yoga. I actually did not hear about this until I think it was 2018 when I moved back to Maryland where I am now. I went to a yoga studio. My friend brought me there and she was like, let's do laughter yoga. And I was like, what? It is a laughter yoga class. So they laugh heartily like without any reason. There's, it's, it's hard to explain. You just have to go ahead and do it, but it is such a release. I actually ended up crying tears and it, it didn't, it didn't feel like hysterical laughter tears, you know, you have that. It felt like a release of something sad, like I was releasing this kind of heavy feeling through doing that laughter exercise. Speaker 1: (04:48)It's again, it's hard to describe until you actually do it. So maybe check out a local studio or I'm sure there are laughter yoga sessions that you could look at on YouTube. I've never done one online, I've only done it in person. Um, but I imagine there might be a way to do it online, but I think if you can do it in person, like with other people, that in-person connection is definitely pretty cool. So while I did have that sad, heavy feeling, I felt it lift. So therefore I still was left with like an upbeat mood, you know, it was like a mood booster still. Speaking of mood boosters, do you all have my four minute morning mood boost meditation? It is epic. Go grab it. It's always in the show notes. I created it for one of my busy mom clients who wanted like a shorter, I think I had a 10 minute one at the time and she wanted even shorter one to start in the morning and the morning rush, but be able to do something. Speaker 1: (05:46)And I did. And it's been my most listened to. I actually sell it too on a site. It's been my most sold out meditation. But you get it free if you get it in the show notes. So go grab it. Number three, a sound bath meditation. Ah, these are so amazing. So you can do meditation through sound. You lie down, you can listen to singing bowls, gongs or other instruments that produce these really soothing vibrations. I have a couple of singing bowls that I do myself, right? But it's nice to have someone else do it for you in a yoga studio or if you have a friend and you're both into this woo woo stuff, um, one of you can do the sound bath for the other and then you could trade. Um, it's just awesome and some people really respond well to sounds. It's not my personal favorite. Speaker 1: (06:37)I think it's cool. I like it occasionally, but I'm really into visual meditation, so I prefer that. But it's, it's really fun if you're into more of the oral stuff. Oral a u r, not oral, right? Do I have that right? Audible . We're gonna move on number five, sensory meditation. So you can explore different sensory experiences such as tasting various foods. I remember my daughter, gosh, it was a few years ago, she was like in kindergarten and first grade even. We would do these, it was called cosmic kids yoga. And they had these little sessions that were just meditations that weren't the yoga but meditation parts and it was called zenden. That's it. I was trying to think of it. So zenden, this is great for kids by the way. If you have kids that are younger and you wanna introduce them into meditation and yoga, but in one of them, it was the first time I saw this, it was actually a meditation. Speaker 1: (07:40)And during it they were having you, like they had you go get a piece of food. I remember we had a cheese stick when we did it and they had you close your eyes and taste it. So it's like meditating through your senses. So you could do it through taste, touch, scent, sound, right? And experiencing the different, you could do whatever combination you want or just one of them. Um, experiencing that is going to make you more present. And the more you practice any of these methods, the more present you become, the calmer you become, the namaste you are. So, I don't know, it's a pretty cool one. I would definitely try, try the taste one out. It's pretty fun. And if you guys want any specific videos on these, just email me. I love when you email me and ask questions. So go ahead. Speaker 1: (08:30)It's in there, it's on the show notes. Fierce Mama C at Gmail. Um, and ask me for specific videos that I can recommend to you and I will. Alright, number six, the floating tank meditation. So try sensory deprivation tanks or float tanks where you float in a Voyant. Epsom salt. I always say Epsom, I wanna say Epson with an N 'cause I'm, I don't know if it's, it's my printer, my old printer speaking to me. Anyway, Epsom salt infused solution in complete darkness and silence. This for me. I don't know, I get kind of panicked. I can't really, I I'm not big on this one, but it does work for some people. Everybody's different. That's why we have to try all of these things out. Um, but the isolation can really lead you to profound meditative experiences. Um, I I being like in complete dark like that, I don't know. Speaker 1: (09:27)It's not that I'm afraid of the dark, no, I'm just kidding. I'm really not. But it's just not my preference. Number seven, guided visualization. This is one I freaking love. I just love guided, guided meditations with The visuals are very helpful for me. Again, everybody's different, so try 'em all out. So rather than the traditional like breath focused meditation, you engage in guided imagery or visualization sessions and there's usually a recorded guide or you can do 'em live. Like I've led live meditations in my yoga classes before. Um, I think I have a couple recorded ones out there floating around somewhere. But you can follow along with a recorded guide to create these really vivid mental landscapes. Often they can include, you know, nature landscapes like fields of lavender or beach landscapes or I used to do one I loved. Um, that was, you know, going into the forest and you know, it's like kind of this magical mystical land. Speaker 1: (10:35)Um, there's just so many out there there, there's a plethora of them that said, I said that really strange. But that's okay. We're all friends here. Um, a plethora of them on YouTube again. Um, I do have meditations that you can request from me. So let me know if you want a guided visualization one. I have one for abundance. Um, I have an anxiety one, so, so that is one of my favorites. Next one is lucid dream meditation. You can practice meditation techniques that lead to lucid dreaming where you become aware you are dreaming within a dream. This is a very unique way to explore your subconscious mind. I actually did this like by accident when I was a child, which was pretty cool. So I learned to kind of do it again, if you want more details on any of this, message me. 'cause we have 12 of these to get through. Speaker 1: (11:33)But you can always, you know, look at them yourself or message me with questions. Number nine, forest bathing. This has a name, another name which is Shinran Yoku. Um, and this you spend time in nature immersing yourself just in the sights, the sounds and smells of the forest. This is a Japanese tradition and it can be very, very rejuvenating. It's a deeper meditation. You spend some more time. This isn't like a four minute mood boost. This is very immersive. You are up in there, you are letting your soul fly all over that forest. Um, no, but you're really surrendering to it, you know, it's a, it's a whole experience. Um, so that's a really, really cool one. Number 10 is the chaka meditation. This is where you focus your gaze on a fixed object such as a candle flame or like the edge of a art piece, like on your wall. Speaker 1: (12:40)And just, you don't leave that spot, you just concentrate on that one spot and it can enhance concentration and just that inner stillness. And it's like a practice like any other meditation, right? So the first time you do it, it might be hard, you get, might distract, you might get distracted. But over time as you do this, it's just teaching yourself to be still be present. And it's a pretty easy way to meditate if you want to be still. And you, you don't wanna have all these, all this other noise I guess, right? Like, I like other things. I like the forest bathing, I like the visuals. But this is, if you're more of a simplistic person, this could be really up your alley. Number 11, mindful movement. So you can do activities. You may have heard of them, like tai chi, keong. I don't really know if I'm saying that one right? Speaker 1: (13:35)Or yoga, which if you don't know, I teach yoga. I love yoga. Yin yoga is my jam. Where you combine physical movement with meditation. That's why I love yin yoga. It is a very slow yoga. It's a deep yoga and there's a lot of meditative pieces to it. So I love it. And they encourage mindfulness through motion. Pretty self-explanatory. Number 12, do you ever get a smell, a waft of a perfume and you're like, oh, that smells like my grandma. Or that smells like me when I was 15 years old. No aromatherapy meditation. So using essential oils and scent to enhance your meditation experience is really cool. I love combining scents with my meditation. Um, I love Palo Santo. I love the scent of rose. Gives me all the feels. I just love it. So I have rose oils, I have like all rose actual perfume that I wear. Speaker 1: (14:40)Um, and inhaling certain scents can help you relax, right? Lavender, we know that eucalyptus is kind of like invigorating for me. I love that one. Peppermint. So it depends on what you're trying to accomplish by your meditation. Like if you're doing a morning mood boost, even if it's a longer one and you know, smelling like a citric, a citrus, I guess a citrus scent. Eucalyptus, peppermint, something that kind of awakens you, that's great for that. If you're trying to relax, you're trying to go to bed, you can do the whole lavender, chamomile, any more calming sense. But essential oils you can even get, you know, the little sticks with the oil in the canister. Um, 'cause we don't wanna burn any houses down. Okay? I seriously left a candle on once and I was traumatized and I did not burn a candle since . No, no to fire. Speaker 1: (15:37)Um, so I like those little sticks. Incense is pretty cool too. Um, I used to love, what is it called? Patchouli, patchouli. Any of y'all use patchouli anyway, so we could go down aromatherapy meditation, the that hole for, for a long time. But we have to end this 'cause you guys need to get to meditating. Okay? But remember this is a personal practice. This is individual. What works for you may not work for another. I remember when I started meditating thinking like, oh, there's a right way to meditate. I, I was even a perfectionist about meditating. It's stupid, right? . So experiment with these fun different types of ways, right? And adapt them to suit your preferences. The key is to find a style that resonates with you and helps you cultivate that mindfulness, that inner peace and what works for your schedule. What works for what you're trying to achieve. Speaker 1: (16:35)Like I said, are you trying to wake up in the morning, you're trying to go to bed? Just, you know, customize it your way 'cause it's your life and you are a queen. All right, I am thinking about doing a separate, um, whatcha imma call it? Why can't I speak affirmation? Affirmation, maybe not every week, but some weeks on Thursdays. Just stick an affirmation. So let me know what you think about that, either on social media. You can message me or email me. Tell me if you'd like separate ones. And if you have any recommendations on what kind of affirmations, shoot it on over and you know the drill. If you wanna work with me one-on-one, you wanna get some coaching done, we can do coaching, we can do energy work, all the things. Um, I will put the ways to work with me one-on-one in the show notes. So all you have to do is click over there, click itty, click take your pick. Mm That I should make an end song that says that. Click itty, click Take your pick. Work with me. I would love to work with you. That'd be great. Alright, see you on the horizon. Smooches and doses. She says . Alright, I think I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed, y'all. You go meditate. Namaste.

5 Proven Strategies to Co-Parent with a Narcissist Without Drama : Part 2

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TRANSCRIPT
 
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
(01:00)Hello. Welcome back to, but Still She Thrives with Kristi Jade. I am excited to dive back into one of our favorite topics here, co-parenting with a narcissist, right? But we, last week we're talking about five proven strategies to co-parent with a narcissist, which is difficult without drama. Can it be done? Stay tuned. So we talked about two of the strategies. The first one was mastering the art of detached communication. The second was boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And we're going to dive into the third through the fifth today. Three, create a bulletproof parenting plan. So something with narcs, narcissists, I call 'em narcs for short. Get used to that one. Okay? Not the narcs that narc on you, but they can be very good at twisting things and lying, manipulating. So it's really good to have everything in writing and everything very specific. So you want to over communicate in writing.
(02:07)You want to keep it simple and concise, but really that's the main means of communication you want to do and spell out the specifics so they cannot fuddle with you later. Is fuddle a word that means that I don't even know, I'm going to go back to high school. So like holidays, medical decisions, who's buying? What if you're like, oh, my kid's in soccer and needs cleats? Who is responsible for that? When you're setting those things up, especially, or you're adding something to a divorce decree, whatever, you really want to make sure that you are clear and specific when you are communicating. Like I said in the earlier or previous version of this episode with numbers one and two, you do want to be very to the point and non-emotional, but when you are trying to figure plans out, especially if it's something for a larger plan, then you want to make sure you have the specifics in there so they can't mess it up.
(03:10)Muddle it up. Was that what I was looking for? Maybe? Alright, so this can include conflict resolution steps. Okay, so these are clear steps in case there are disagreements. What do you do with conflict resolution? Get a plan together, right? And then stick to the plan. These narcissists thrive on chaos. I want you to hear that again. You probably know it, but let's hear it again. Narcissists thrive on chaos structure shuts it down. When you keep things clear and simple, you guys, it is almost like their worst nightmare, but they can't wiggle around and cause the chaos they normally can, right? So an example of this would be I'll follow what's in our parenting plan. Let me know if you'd like to discuss it during mediation, right? So you can point back to whatever's in your parenting plan. And the queen tip here, do not budge without a legal paper trail, even if they sweet talk you, because they probably will.
(04:19)They try that usually and then they get nasty and mean if they don't get their way. So try to get it on the legal side. You want a legal paper trail? Anything in writing that has your signature on it is gold. Gold, baby gold, like your crown. Alright, number four, this is a big one and I know it's important to you guys because you guys are amazing parents, okay? Who's an amazing parent? Raise your hand. You might not feel like it. Raise your hand anyway, okay? You are here. A lot of you are here because we're talking about co-parenting because you care about your children. I know a lot of you want to stop the cycle. You don't want them to repeat your mistakes. You don't want them to see you make wrong moves. You are worrying because you are a great parent no matter what you have tolerated or been through.
(05:10)We're starting fresh today, okay? So shake that guilt off and let's dive into protecting your kids from emotional tug of war. How do you do this? First, you be the safe space. You create the calm loving home that you maybe didn't get yourself. If you're in this situation, a lot of times there are repeated patterns, so you may have not had that. How would you like to be a child in a home? Right? Think about that. What would make you feel loved and calm and safe? Where can your kids decompress? Even set up maybe a little safe station for them, even if it's in a corner of their room. My daughter has, right? There's a bean bag and a fuzzy, I love tactile things, so I love fuzzy blankets and she has this fuzzy, I can't think of the word rug. It's called a rug.
(06:09)I'm having word issues tonight. She has this fuzzy rug there. Pillows, make it comfy and safe. She has books she can bring over there, like have a safe space for your child, but then you're also going to be the safe space. So you're going to not dismiss their feelings, you're going to hear them out. You're going to be tired because this is a tiring period of your life, but you only go through this period once and you've got to show up for your kids and you have to do the best you can to show up for them in a calm and safe and stable. I want to repeat the word stable to you. Again, a stable place for them to have to call home. You want to be the stability, you want to be the discipline, right? Because that's stability. Even if, I mean, I've got a tween now, she's about to be 11.
(07:07)Does she love discipline? No. Do I know she needs it? Yeah, we have a lot of fun. I am one of the most fun moms you'll ever have or ever have. You want me to be your mama? No. That you'll ever know, but I'm also a disciplinarian and you're going to respect me and you're going to play by the rules and you're going to do your homework. You're going to clean up your masses, but you're also going to have a lot of fun if you play by all the rules, right? So you got to find the balance. But be that safe space. Don't bad mouth the narc. Oh, I know this is hard. I know it's tempting. This is really hard. You've probably already failed at it, but that's okay. We're going to start fresh today. Remember, focus on empowering your child. Instead, focus on empowering your kid.
(07:54)That's the focus when you start to think about bad marking them, think about what effect that can have on your child and what's more important. It's more important that your child feels safe and loved and not chaotic. You are adding chaos to them by badmouthing the narc. Okay? Don't do it. Three, teach emotional intelligence. I love doing this with my daughter. Oh, it's so good helping them name their feelings from an early age. I know it sounds like all woo woo and whatever. It's this generation. Well, guess what? We need it. Name their feelings and trusting their instincts. My daughter started doing yoga and she was two years old. I started teaching yoga later. She started doing it more when I started teaching it. But at two years old, when I was practicing myself, she would do yoga with me. And even yoga, meditation. That helps them get in touch with their mind, body, soul, right?
(08:55)That's not a fake thing. Yoga is a trend for a long time for a reason. It helps them be more connected to themselves. You can teach that, right? So help them name their feelings. You can say, I know that was confusing. How did that confusion make you feel? Or dig deeper? What else was going on? What did you feel in your body? Recognize that If someone's making you feel bad, where does that feel bad in your body? And remember that feeling because when you feel that, take a breath and evaluate and move on. That's a way deeper topic, but you get my gist, hopefully. So queen tip, remind your child, no matter what happens, I will always believe in you and love you again. Some of us probably didn't get that, did we? As kids? I know there's probably 90% of you listening, maybe more that did not get told.
(10:02)I will always believe you. Believe in you, love you no matter what, and you need to trust yourself, right? A lot of us can have issues not trusting ourselves, especially after narcissistic abuse obviously. Alright, so we're here at the last one. Are you ready? Are you cozy? Prioritize your own sanity and healing. Of course, we got to take care of the kids. They're our number one. But in the airplane, if you don't breathe that oxygen, you can't help. And one of my favorite quotes, if you or you can't, I don't even know my own favorite quote, you can't pour from an empty cuff. You can't do it. So you have to be filled. So how do you do that? One? Build your support squad, right? You want to lean on your friends, a therapist, Christie, Jade, that's me, who understands narcissistic abuse. So I can be your support squad, please email me and we can talk about ways to work together or there's links in the description that can take you directly to specific places.
(11:16)How to work with me. I do somatic healing and I do narcissistic abuse coaching. Or we can do a combination. Whatever you need. I got you. So email me if you want to customize your own thing or check out the links, but hopefully you have a couple friends you can lean on that understand what you're going through. A lot of people do not understand narcissistic abuse and that's why people feel isolated. We've been told that we're crazy or we're sensitive or we're this and that, right? And sometimes when I remember back in the old days, I used to feel like I wouldn't be believed, so I just didn't even want to talk about it to most people. Number two, embrace your power. Focus on what you can control. This is huge. This should be in bold in your brain, okay? Focus on what you can control.
(12:13)That's your mindset. You wake up every day. You do meditations, you do affirmations. You look in that mirror and say, I believe in you, right? Your reactions. Are you taking the bait of the narcissist with, are you getting emotional? Are you not making sure everything is in writing? There's reactions too as far as if they are emotionally torturing you on the phone and you're getting manipulated and drug back into their chaos. Create a new system that works where you're not, go to that email, do email only. Talk to your lawyers. Get it drawn up in the papers. That's how you're going to do it, right? And your power, something you can control is your peace. You do have a choice. There's a lot of choices we make. We want to put out there and blame everything else. And I know you've been through a lot, but there's a lot you can control. And sometimes yes, you need that support, whether it's your friends therapist, me, a support group, whatever. Then we have the third way to prioritize your sanity and healing practice. Radical, radical. Not like radical dude, but immense amounts of self-care. That's meditation, that's journaling that not all of this. You could do whatever suits you. Prayer, I'm a God woman. I pray a lot. It helps me so much. What keeps you centered? Maybe it's running, maybe it's dancing your ass off to nineties hip hop. That really fills my gut.
(13:57)So you can repeat an affirmation like this. I choose peace today. Their chaos is not my responsibility. And the queen tip for this, think of your mental space like a VIP club. Only calm, healthy energy gets past the security picture, that beautiful golden bubble, the peace bubble we talk about. And imagine inside of that what that would feel like. Really if you had calm, healthy energy, that's all that was in there. So whenever that crazy ass chaotic narcissist is outside of that bubble staring at you with their big old googly eyes just foaming at the mouth to ruin you and your day, say, hell no. And you create the barriers. And if you need help doing that, write me. Okay? So let's end on a big deep breath in and an exhale. And I think we'll go back to that quote we just did as our affirmation. I choose peace today. Repeat after me. I choose peace today.
(15:18)Their chaos is not my responsibility. I'm a queen. Yes you are. Go shine your crown, run a bubble bath so you can get that radical dude and protect yourself and protect your kids. Save both of these episodes because you're going to need reminders. That's just a thing. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Don't have guilt. You're starting over today and you can start again tomorrow if you have to. Right? Trust yourself. Start trusting yourself. You get in touch with yourself. We talk about getting your kids in touch with themselves. You too, right? I've been going to yoga classes a lot more. I've been doing more meditations and I feel the difference even at this stage in my game. We can fall out of those practices. And I will say when you start at the foundation of such such just solid ground with the meditate and with the yoga being in touch and connected to yourself, things go so much better.
(16:35)There's a difference. So if you don't meditate, go try my four minute super quick morning meditation. It's always in the show notes and you probably have it if you signed up for my emails or on my Facebook group. You should already have it in your email. If you need it, you can't find it, email me and ask it is the best morning meditation super easy, it's guided. It's me talking to you for four minutes through a fun little meditation. It's easy. It's a great way to start. And then you can build out and do more and more as you get more comfortable. Okay? Have a beautiful, beautiful day, night, wherever you are listening from. And if you want to, I love to know where people are listening from. So email me, my email is always in the description. And tell me where you are listening from. Are you in the us? Are you abroad, overseas somewhere? Where is it? I love to know where my people are. All right, have a good one, smooches Deuces, and I'll see you in the next episode.

When Does a Narcissist Give Up? The Real Answer

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TRANSCRIPT: 
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. Today we are going to talk about when will the narcissist give up? Dun dun dun. Stay tuned. Speaker 2: (00:14)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:11)Alright, so I wanna preface this with the fact that depending on the narcissist, some of them will quote, never quite give up, but they may take some small breaks, some large breaks, and if you really are good at staying no contact, they may finally give up. So that brings us to number one, the case where a narcissist may give up and go away, at least for a while, is when they feel they have lost power, right? They're all about power. That is all they care about. They control the power. If they don't have it, they try to get it back. That's where they tug on your heartstrings and do their manipulation, whatever they can do to get you back under their power. So usually this occurs after you implement that no contact rule. That is always my first advice with a narcissist, unless there is some legal reason that you need to be in contact with them. Speaker 1: (02:12)My personal opinion of narcissists is there is no good reason to stay in touch with them if you have the option not to. So that's why the no contact rule is the best rule and it has the most success rate for keeping the narcissists away. So it effectively serves as a defense against most of their manipulations, right? They can't do the gaslighting, they can't twist your words when you're not having contact. They can't do anything in response to what you are doing. There's literally no contact. There's no way for them to have the power over you. Does that mean they w won't go ahead and talk crap about you to other people? You know? Yes, they may do that, especially in the, the beginning when you first start having no contact. That could be a way they may try to go through other people to get to you, to get you to contact them. Speaker 1: (03:07)But once you are strong in that no contact, if you can hold that method, , I'll call it, if you can keep it up, then that is when the beauty happens and they start to lose the interest, right? They lose that interest because it's no longer as easy as it was for them before and they have to start making more effort, bigger effort. And honestly, a lot of narcissists are, can be like lazy. They can be lazy about their control. So they want it, they target people who maybe have big hearts are empathetic. So it's easier to manipulate and tug on the heartstrings of those people to get the control. But when you make it too hard and you have no contact or you do the gray rock method, which I will link my episode to the Gray Rock method in the show notes. But when you do that, they don't have the ability to feel that control that they thrive off of. Speaker 1: (04:08)So they are more likely to, you know, cut the cord or just kind of forget about you and hopefully move on to the next victim, not hopefully for that victim, sorry, next victim. But for me, I can't control that. So I was just glad to be rid of my narcissist and they can, you know, go on with their lives, seek somebody else, mess with someone else's head. But I was just glad it was not mine. Another case where they may give up and go away is when the victim discovers what they're doing. And once you understand a narcissist and you start to see it, it be, it can become almost like a science, you know, it can become a lot more predictable than you ever thought. So when the narcissist is exposed, they'll of course deny it. But when their manipulations, when their tactics don't work anymore, they may, if they are, if they are fearful that you will expose them to other people to, you know, other relationships they have families, friends, work situations. Speaker 1: (05:23)If they see that you are calling them out, I'm not suggesting calling them out, that's another episode. But um, if their stuff isn't working and they obviously there's been a shift basically in your relationship, then they can no longer use again that manipulation since the mask has been unveiled and they struggle to get that control back. Right? So I will touch lightly on it though because I think it is important I do my go-to is not to be like you are a narcissist, da da da, right? My go-to is keep very short and direct, non-emotional, um, in your conflict. Hopefully the last conflict you have with a narcissist before you do the no contact method. Then we have the gray rock method that goes a little deeper. I'm not gonna discuss all that here. Like I said, there's a whole episode on it so you don't need to hear me squabble about it twice, but I will link that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (06:31)But the gray rock method is a way, if you have to, let's say parent a child with your ex who's a narcissist, that is a really good way to be able to navigate. And I don't suggest saying you're a narcissist and this and that. If you have to be in their life, you don't want to them off because yes, it may work in a way for them to back off or try to stay as far as they can from you so you don't expose them. But if you have to legally talk and all of that, it could backfire. Okay? So when they have no more supply, if you haven't heard the term narcissistic supply, it's a thing, their supply, I think of it as just this spider that is gathering all of its food in this big nasty narcissistic web, right? So that could be from you and then if you start to have no contact or even gray method, they may start to gather information or keep tabs on you or smear your name to other people, right? Speaker 1: (07:38)So the thing is, if that doesn't work, which hopefully if you have good friends that you know, don't take the bait of the narcissist, hopefully that would cause them to give up, right? So depending on who those relationships are or how many, everybody's situation is different, but if you have good friends and you can even warn them and say, Hey, my ex may reach out to you or whatever, don't take the bait, don't take the call. Um, the more you can block them from having contact with anybody that is in connection to you, the better. So block them on social media, block them on email, have your friends and family block them everywhere you can because that also will make it a little more likely that they will give up again if something is way too much effort, depending on the narcissist, 'cause it re truly, there's such a range of them, they can go to further lengths, but in general a lot of them can be lazy with their efforts, right? Speaker 1: (08:44)Because usually they can manipulate and flip around and gaslight like it's nothing. It's literally just who they are, how they are. They don't have to sit and really think about, oh, how could I get her to do this? It just is, it's a sickness. I wanna, to me it is a sickness in their head that automatically is always ready to just control and gain power at anyone else's expense, right? So they're constantly just like firing away on how to manipulate, how to get their way. So it's so natural that it's not that much effort. So when they actually have to make a big effort, it'll either them off or eventually they'll get tired of it. That being said, I want to say this and on a lot of episodes I mention this, if there is someone who is violent or you feel like they may be violent, I'm not saying, oh they'll go away, you'll be fine. Speaker 1: (09:51)When there is someone violent involved, which I know many narcissists can be emotionally or physically abusive, if they are, I suggest you call the hotline number for domestic abuse. That is always in my podcast show notes to get advice. If you are fearful or fear, feel like you are in danger in any way. I do have many clients that it is not a dangerous physical situation and they don't feel totally endangered, they just more wanna know how to navigate the manipulation. So that's where most of this is going. If it goes beyond the scope of that, of course you want to be careful. There is no guarantee a narcissist is going to stay away forever or go away and that, you know, things will be all good engraving and they're just gonna forget about you. This episode is about how to keep them at as much of a distance as you possibly can, but everyone is different. Speaker 1: (10:52)There is no guarantees. These are tactics that we can use and try out with whatever narcissist is in your life and you know, use it as kind of a test. And a lot of times the no contact method does work, at least for a while, sometimes forever. A lot of people have a lot of luck with it. And again, the gray rock method you can refer to in my podcast notes, that episode, um, that's a great way if you have to legally be bound to this person, usually that is due to, you know, child custody situations. Um, it's a really good way to navigate the conversations and just having a relationship of some sort unfortunately, that you have to keep with the narcissist. If you need help going through this journey and you are on the other side of being with a narcissist. I work with people who are starting to heal from their journey. Speaker 1: (11:55)They have disconnected from the narcissist or maybe it's somebody who is a relative. You know that you don't see that often, but when you do, you wanna know how to handle the relationship or maybe it is a parent and you are having a tough time navigating how to deal with that because they're your parent, but you also can't stand how they treat you. There's so many situations I deal with as a coach. Um, so if you want to see if you are a match for my coaching, you can look at the three current ways to work with me through my one-on-one coaching, and I also have a boundaries course. I will link as well all in the show notes and I look forward to talking with you. But before we say goodbye, let's do some queen affirmations. Alright? If you're driving, do not put your hand on your heart, but if you are not driving and you're in a place, you can go ahead, put your hand on your heart, put both your hands on your heart. I don't care. Put your feet on your heart. Let's really get into this. All right? We're gonna do a little affirmation. Take a big breath. Ah, just let the stress melt off of you. Breathe in your nose and out your mouth. Speaker 1: (13:08)I am worthy of peace. Repeat after me. I am worthy of peace. Nobody can take my power away. I deserve to be loved because I'm a queen . All right, you guys, I will see you in the next episode. Have a great week, and don't forget to check my show notes and I'll chat with you later.

How to Outsmart a Narcissist

The only course you will ever need to set healthy guilt free boundaries:
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My meditations on Insight Timer:
https://insig.ht/2Ym63Vh2vRb?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=live_stream_share
 
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello Queens. Welcome to another episode of, but Still She Thrives. Today we are diving into a topic that many of us have encountered at some point in our lives dealing with narcissists. They're all around us. So whether it's a coworker, family member, friend, or even a romantic partner or ex romantic partner, narcissists can be challenging to navigate. But fear not. Christie Jaya is here, . Today we're gonna discuss some strategies on how to outsmart those nasty little narcissists. Speaker 2: (00:34)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:31)So first, really briefly, if you are new here, we are gonna touch on what narcissism actually is. It's a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, right? But spoiler alert, narcissists deep, deep down are very wounded, very insecure and powerless. And this is why they have to have this big mask. It's all a big nasty mask. Mask, but it's still there. So we still have to deal with it. It doesn't change the fact that they treat people poorly and have no empathy. They also have such fragile egos and can be so manipulative that it makes interactions with them. Super challenging. And if you have a narcissist in your life, you know what I'm talking about, probably why you clicked on this. So the first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to recognize their behavior patterns. This could include grandiosity, la, lack of empathy, manipulation, and this constant need for attention and admiration, which ain't cute. Speaker 1: (02:36)So, you know, my first advice with a narcissist is Ron. But if you can't continue on and listen, once you've identified a narcissist in your life, whatever relationship that is, the next step is setting healthy boundaries, right? They often push boundaries. They don't give a about your boundaries. They can be quite demanding. So to outsmart them, you need to establish very clear limits on what you're willing to tolerate and communicate them assertively. So you've gotta, this is part of the work I do with my clients, is building that confidence. Because without the confidence, sometimes it isn't believable that you have a boundary or you won't hold the boundary due to fear or guilt or whatever, right? So they may resist these boundaries completely. So standing firm is essential to your wellbeing. They, again, they're gonna try to guilt trip you or play the victim, but stay resolute in your boundaries. Speaker 1: (03:35)Queen, I know you can speaking, which if you don't know I have a boundaries course, all my information is always in my podcast show notes. Go click around in there, see what I have to offer. I have all my coaching offers and my boundaries course, which is epic. You'll love it. Grab it. There's a special bonus going on when you purchase it right now. So now is the time. So we know narcissists thrive on attention and admiration. So to outsmart them, avoid feeding their ego. Do not engage in the excessive flattery. A lot of us at one point or another may think, oh, I'll just try to make them feel better and they'll be nicer to me. Right? No, do not do that. Don't give the constant validation. Instead, focus on rational communication. Like very short and sweet communication. And they say to give constructive feedback when necessary. Speaker 1: (04:32)I, I have a hard time with this. Um, I feel like any feedback, constructive or not, this is not a rational human. So the odds are against you that they're actually going to take it into consideration unless they're like absolutely desperate. But, so that is kind of up to you. I'm always very against giving any constructive feedback to the narcissist that I have had in my life. So that's kind of a personal preference. You can try it out, but I would not have high expectations. But by not giving into their constant need for attention, you can take away some of their power and control. Another crucial strategy is maintaining emotional detachment. Oh, this is such a huge one. Narcissists can be emotionally manipulative, right? We know that. So it's essential to protect, protect, that's a new word, PR protect. That's very passionate way of saying protect , protect your own emotions. Speaker 1: (05:30)Do not take their insults or criticisms of you personally. This is so hard for a lot of us, especially a lot of us are empaths that get sucked into their web, right? A lot of us have big hearts and big feelings and we're sensitive, right? It's, it's tough. But this is why I do what I do with people because this is part of the journey I love helping with, is to get you to that point. Not only do you gain your confidence, but you also learn to unt attach detach, I don't know, are they both words? Um, emotionally so that you can actually navigate successfully. Like whether that's a relationship or you know, you're co-parenting or whatever. So do not take their. Just don't take it. Don't absorb it. Don't take the bait. By staying emotionally grounded and not reacting to their, you can regain control of the situation, which is what we're trying to achieve by outsmarting them, right? Speaker 1: (06:30)I wanna drum roll for this one. Oo, that did not sound like a drum roll. All right? When dealing with a narcissist, it is essential to document every, everything. I cannot reiterate this enough. Keep records of your interactions, messages, any incidents that might be relative. Um, I would like to also say if you can avoid phone calls with them and do text or email, that is so much better because you have all the proof in the pudding and you know, have it documented. You don't know, especially with narcissists, when stuff can turn and get bad, go legal, maybe you want it to go legal, then it's extra important. You have all of these, like this tracking right of the words they say. A lot of times they can't help themselves. So they can be really stupid when it comes to saying that will bite them in the later. Speaker 1: (07:27)It's like, I don't know. The only icing on the cake with a narcissist is they get real stupid 'cause they're so reactionary. So whether it's a workplace situation that turns into a harassment suit or legal disputes divorce, I've seen a lot of divorce situations where thank goodness that these women or men had everything documented and it really was helpful in their favor with custody and all that. Side note, I think I've mentioned this before, but you can, I, I don't do all this legal stuff, don't quote me on this, but I believe you can get some sort of addendum on a divorce decree. Not sure if that's the exact wording, but I think so where you can make it so that a third party sees your communication between each other. This really has helped some of my clients when they're dealing with co-parenting. This has been awesome. Speaker 1: (08:23)They have this app. There's specific apps for co-parenting for this reason or not co-parenting. I say that I always say co-parenting, but having to parent with someone else, co-parenting is really not a good way to describe parenting with a narcissist if you are not together because they don't really co anything after that. Um, do they even co anything at all? So, but if you are parenting with an ex and they are a narcissist, this is really helpful. There are apps, I don't know the names, but talk to your attorney, um, or anyone in the legal field and ask what your options are for having any communication like legally has to be through a third party app sort of thing where I believe the attorney can have the visibility on there as well. And another thing you can also have set, set up is so that they can only contact you about things pertaining to the children. Speaker 1: (09:24)So you're not gonna get all this crappy hate mail for the rest of your life. So yes, I will say narcissists can be some pretty intelligent people. I know a couple of them that are highly intelligent, but one of their weaknesses is they can be very reactive and that can be in our favor as far as them being kind of sloppy with their evidence, right? Stuff that they say. And if you have it documented, it can be pure gold and very helpful if it goes to a legal situation or other ways too. So make sure to document everything. And also maybe this isn't outsmarting a narcissist, but making sure people know like you, I'm not saying go blab your business to everybody, but make sure somebody close to you knows your situation and can help you out. You can lean on them, you can support them. Speaker 1: (10:25)I actually, this is only with someone you really, really trust. I've actually sent stuff that I had documented, I have emailed it to my best friend who I trust greatly so that that evidence is backed up somewhere else as well. Because you never know, narcissists can get cuckoo, especially like if you're still living with one or you think they could have your password, anything like that where they could go and delete everything. So I say if you have a trusted person to lean on, just in general getting support from them, but also thinking about using them as an extra backup. If you truly, truly trust 'em, like a best friend, family member, nobody who you think could get convinced by a narcissist that you're a show person. Because guess what narcissists will do. The smear campaign will, they will start telling all these people all this about you make you look bad. Speaker 1: (11:26)So it has to be someone you know is a thousand percent on your side. So these are some of the ways there's others. And if you wanna go deeper into it, go check out the ways to work with me and sign up for a call or a month or three months or the rest of your life so we can deal with this together. I am here for you. I have a lot of golden nuggets and dealt with all of this myself and I'm in a really great place now. So I love helping you and that's why I do what I do. If you are not subscribed to my podcast, go ahead and hit subscribe or follow or whatever it says on your podcast platform. Don't forget, I release new episodes every single Tuesday and sometimes I have little bonus episodes, so come follow me so you don't miss any episodes. I'm also on social media, Instagram, I'm fierce. Christy Jade on YouTube. I think I'm fierce. Christy Jade, I'm just fierce. Christy Jade all around. Um, also if you wanna email me, just say hi, have any questions. My email address is always in the show notes so you can find me there. Alright, let's settle down the end of the episode. Let's get namaste. Take a deep breath, hands to heart in less you're driving 'cause that's really awkward. And let's just breathe in. Do a couple affirmations. Okay, inhale, exhale and repeat after me. Speaker 1: (12:51)I have power over my own life. Nobody controls me but me. I'm learning every day and am right where I'm supposed to be because I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you, smooches and deuces and all that good stuff and I will see you in the next episode.

5 Proven Strategies to Co-Parent with a Narcissist Without Drama : Part 1

No More Drama: Co-Parenting Sanity Strategies for Narc Survival
Grab your BLUEPRINT to Narcissist Abuse Recovery now!
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
The only course you will ever need to set healthy guilt free boundaries:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
Join our facebook community!!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
My meditations on Insight Timer:
https://insig.ht/2Ym63Vh2vRb?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=live_stream_share
EPISODES MENTIONED:
EPISODE ON GREY ROCK METHOD 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
EPISODES ON SETTING BOUNDARIES:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-boundaries-as-a-people-pleaser/id1662241353?i=1000679893439
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-without-guilt/id1662241353?i=1000697670273
BENEFITS OF GOING NO CONTACT:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000611416531
 
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies. Let's go protect our peace.
(01:00)Hello Queens, it's Christie. Jade, I'm so excited for today's podcast episode. We're going to talk about five proven strategies for co-parenting with a narcissist while protecting your piece. Is that possible? Yes, it is. Well, we're going to try our damnedest. Alright, so you can control your side of things, right? We can't control what they do, but let's dive into the five ways. This is going to be a two part episode because there's a lot to dive into and I wanted to break it up a little bit. So be sure to follow me on whatever podcast platform you are listening. If you're on Apple, if you're on Podbean directly, wherever you are, hit the follow button so you will get a notification so you can get the next episode, the next part of this episode, and then all the following episodes. Yay. Fun. Alright, so let's dive in.
(01:59)Number one, you must master the art of detached communication. If you've heard me talk about or other people talk about the gray rock method, that is a way, we'll get to that in a second. But using the Biff method, that's BIFF, is an amazing method to stick to when dealing with narcissists of any kind. But especially when you're in this co-parenting dynamic, you have to, are forced to communicate with them most often. You've got a kid together, you're doing custody, you're doing just the back and forth of this and that. There's a doctor's appointment. You got to pay for the shoes. Alright, so Biff B is for brief, keeping those messages brief. Any of your texts, your emails, any of that, your phone conversations, I highly suggest depending on your situation, avoiding phone if possible. I love everything in writing. We'll get to that too.
(03:03)So there's brief, keeping it brief, informative, so we're sharing information when it comes to the kids. We don't need our emotions all going back and forth. We don't need to get into all the fluffy details and just the emotions and everything that's just this bubbling over of stuff that's not necessary. Okay? Informative is key, brief, informative, friendly ish. I say ish because ish, we don't want to be over friendly with these MPHs. So that's civil, basically, and firm. Here's the thing. You got to be firm with your boundaries and we'll get to boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries is number two, spoiler alert, but you want to be firm with how you speak to them. And they love a good weak target. They love a flexible target they can knock over. So you've got to stand firm and confident, and the more you practice, the more it'll come easier.
(04:07)It's beautiful. Okay? Document everything. Like I said, I love text, email. If you can go through a third party app like that, I know a lot of my clients end up, we put it in their divorce decrees. You can add things. Whatever you need to do legally, that's a whole separate episode. But really as a zoomed out, look into this, get everything documented, any conversation could end up in court. So keep it calm and factual. No emotion, none of the bs. Okay? Calm to the point. Emotion, free zone. Do not take their bait, okay? Respond. You're sending an email to a coworker, okay? You want it to be polite but detached. There's that word again, we love it. Detached, detached, detached. Okay? I'm not saying this is easy, girl. I've been through it too. I get it. I know it, but I'm on the other side of it and I've become a master at detaching and it is such a freeing feeling.
(05:18)Ooh, if I could just let you feel what I feel now that I am detached, it's awesome. So an example of that could be, I'm happy to discuss this during our scheduled time. Please email me your concerns, right? Or let's say even brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Let me see an example of let's say you're meeting up to drop off a child. You don't need to get into, you were supposed to do this last week and I just want to make sure you're going to do this and right. We don't need all that. Just say, I will meet you to pick up Kayla at 4:00 PM at this school, and if you could please bring her shoes, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for working with me. Right? The firmness can be in that way too, right? Oh, thank you for, it's like assuming they are going to do what they're supposed to do.
(06:19)That's also a little tip, right? Putting that in there. Thanks for being the dad. You're supposed to be without saying that. Okay? Remember too, the power of that gray rock method. Be dull, be boring, and unreactive. I go into this in its own little episode. I will link the description box of the podcast, but when they try to make you take that bait, they trigger you. That is the best way to win. We're winning. We're winning. Alright, number two. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Everyone say it with me now. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Alright, one of my favorite words in the world setting.
(07:04)So you are clearly outlining the rules for communication. Schedule changes, decision-making, like you got to take the reins here you are taking your power back. You are setting clear outlines and narcissists need very clear, clear, clear. No questions because they will take advantage of any room that you give them. That's the same thing with the emails or whatever, right? Anything, when you add unnecessary stuff, they can twist it, they can turn it, they can do all sorts of, you know what I'm talking about? You've been there. The more you give them, the more they will take or twist or make it work for them, whatever. So we got to do simple here. Same with the boundaries. You've just got to create these very crisp and clean outlines of the boundary. Be very clear and you have to stay consistent. So narcissists, push limits. So you have to stay firm in your decisions.
(08:06)When they see they can wiggle you, they will wiggle you harder. When they get away with wiggling you, they will wiggle you way more. There's a whole lot of wiggling going on, okay? We don't want wiggles, no wiggles. We want boundaries, not wiggles. And then pick your battles. This is tough too. Once we get into this empowerment zone and we're on this healing journey and we're like, look, I'm free of you and I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore. We can get like, Ooh, I'm going to beat my chest too, right? I get it. The pendulum can sometimes swing to that other side, which is great in ways, but sometimes it cannot serve us because then they get even more defensive, even more wanting to go against us. So not every jab they give and they give a million jabs needs a response.
(09:00)And you are also, by doing this, by picking and choosing, you're also guarding your own energy and protecting that lovely golden peace bubble around you that you're trying to form here. If you're just jumping back at every jab they say, taking every jab they give and feeling like you need to call it out or you need to stuff it down or show them you're not taking it anymore, that's also going to be destructive to you and your kids. So you've got to say, is this something I truly need to respond to? Or not even call out, but change, right? Or put the kibosh on. There are plenty of them. You will need that, right? Some, not so much. Some you can just say, noted, they're a clown. Let's keep rolling.
(09:50)And then ways to do this with the boundaries. Something like, I'm not available outside our agreed parenting times if they're trying to get you to do X, Y, z or whatever. Thank you for your understanding, right? There she is. Again, the assuming, the best we know, we know. They don't understand. Come on. Like I said, I've been through this. I know, but we're going to say that anyway and keep it all documented because it can always go to court. You have no idea what they can break out next. They got pockets full of all the things. So we're going to end and we're going to do this mantra. So take a breath, a breath, please. I hope you're breathing a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. Hands on heart. That's their chaos. I don't have to engage, repeat. That's their chaos. I don't have to engage. You don't have to engage. Isn't that freeing? You don't have to. Why? Because you are a queen.
(11:04)Alright? We will have part two of this where we're going to talk about creating a bulletproof parenting plan. We're going to talk about protecting your kids from this emotional tug of war and prioritizing your own sanity and healing. Those are all good things, right? Okay. So remember, you do not have to match their energy to win. You win by staying calm, collected, and clear. That's how you win. And I'm on the other side, and I am telling you, it definitely is a life changer when you realize, you know what? I don't put up with their shit, but I also don't have to prove myself either, and I don't have to take their bait. I get to protect my peace. So always ask yourself that. Is this something that's protecting my peace? Is this response I'm giving something that is actually protecting my peace? Is it making me feel better or worse? Am I stooping that they're level? If so, we got rewind, redo. All right, I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to click the follow button. If you want to work one-on-one, email me or look at my links to sign up for a session. My shit's life changing, okay? I will change your laugh with the help of you. Of course. Alright, see you in the next episode. Bye.

The 8 Ways to Navigate Narcissistic Parents as an Adult

Grab your BLUEPRINT to Narcissist Abuse Recovery now!
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
The only course you will ever need to set healthy guilt free boundaries:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
Join our facebook community!!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
My meditations on Insight Timer:
https://insig.ht/2Ym63Vh2vRb?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=live_stream_share
EPISODES MENTIONED:
EPISODE ON GREY ROCK METHOD 
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
EPISODES ON SETTING BOUNDARIES:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-boundaries-as-a-people-pleaser/id1662241353?i=1000679893439
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-without-guilt/id1662241353?i=1000697670273
BENEFITS OF GOING NO CONTACT:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000611416531
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh, I am so excited for this episode. It is highly requested and it's so deep and there's a lot to it. So it took me a while to really get my stuff together. I wanted to make sure that I covered everything and I think I got it. So grab your favorite drink and sit on back. It's going to be some good stuff in here. So take notes too. Get a pen, get a journal, make it fun. Do a little doodle. Who else doodles. Do you still doodle? I'm 45. I still doodle everywhere. Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted?
(00:54)And mind ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
(01:31)Alright, so we're going to talk about eight different ways. Eight. I wanted to keep it to five, but I couldn't how to deal with a narcissistic parent. So the first thing is understanding narcissistic behavior. So if you're here, you're already probably trying to do that, and we have episodes. I will link them in the description of the podcast on certain toxic traits to look at different behaviors they have. So you're looking for lack of empathy, manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting. Do you ever have that where they, as soon as you go to them with something, they will shift it back to you. And in general, emotional abuse and even being super dismissive is maybe some, don't call it abuse, but it is a behavior that is narcissistic and is never fun. It's not healthy when people dismiss you and demean you. Also, knowing this is still part of the narcissistic behavior, but knowing they are unlikely to change their behavior.
(02:36)This is something some of you know, right? And you're here and you're kind of like, I know they're not going to change. What can I do? Others of you have hope and I get it. I had hope for someone for a very long time that I could help them change. I could help them see that if they would just listen long enough, they could understand, but they don't seem to want to understand. But I know that deep down, maybe they do right? All of those things that we tell ourselves and we think this way because guess what? Most people we know would be rational people that would be able to change. If you go to them with something, Hey, this is bothering me. Is there a way we can compromise on this so you can change this behavior? A lot of people would love to grow.
(03:21)Narcissists do not really want to grow. They don't think anything's wrong with them, and we know deep, deep down they do. But we're talking about day-to-day behaviors. They're not going to accept blame. They're not going to have accountability. If they do, it's from a very desperate place of if you're literally like, I'm going to leave you and divorce you, they may put on a facade of normal behavior as such as, okay, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again. But then the broken promise cycle should show you that they're not going to keep their promises. So focusing on your responses and not fixing them, right? They're not likely to change. So what can you do? And then that'll bring us to step two, which is, well, not step two, but tip two, I guess setting boundaries. One of my favorite words in the world, and some people hate this word, it feels maybe rigid.
(04:15)It feels if you're a people pleaser, you really might not like this, right? You're like, oh, I got to set boundaries. I got to stand up and do something. No, you're maybe more passive. I have a strong personality, so I'm a boundary setter. It's a little easier for me than some, but listen to what I have to say. Before you feel like putting on the brakes, you don't want to have to handle setting boundaries. There's a way to do it out of love. And remember that you're protecting yourself, not like trying to stop someone else. That's how I view it. I got to protect my peace. We know all about the peace bubble here at, but still she thrives. Okay, so first you're going to identify what behaviors are unacceptable to me. We just went over some of the gaslighting, all that guilt tripping, Ooh, heck no.
(05:02)What about those feelings that maybe you don't even know how to pinpoint, but you know, feel like you're walking on eggshells and we're like, that's a no. That doesn't feel good. Any controlling behavior. This next one, I swear almost every one of my clients, probably all, but I never like to say a hundred percent invalidating your Emos. Can you raise your hand if you're sure. Remember that commercial? No. Raise your hand if the narcissist in your life who in this case is apparent, invalidates your emotions. Or like I said, dismisses them does not give you that cuddly feeling of support whenever you have emotions. They may even say, you're oversensitive, you're crazy, you're dramatic, you're just blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? Okay, so first it's identifying what you're not okay with. Then it's communicating your limits. This is where it gets tricky, but this is what you have to do if you are in touch with your parents, and we'll get to that too later.
(06:10)But if you are in touch with them and you feel like you cannot not be in touch with them, which I understand it is very difficult with parents, that is an option to disconnect, but we'll talk about that later. I don't want to discuss this topic is something I in my own life have had to say to a narcissist, right? I will not discuss this topic or I'm not going to however you want to phrase it. I'm not going to discuss this topic another way. If I had someone that would yell at me often, not necessarily a narcissist, but same thing, responding with something like I need space. When you raise your voice. For me, that's a little gentler, but I'm trying to give some gentle responses for those of us who are not where I am at and I am a little more harsh I guess you could call it, but for me more just like it's a truth of mine.
(07:10)I am X years old. Listen now it's 45. I will not accept you raising your voice to me. And I actually give a consequence. I say, if that happens again, I'm going to hang up the phone or I'm going to exit the room. I'm going to whatever it is, right? I'm going to leave your house. But I let them know that's not something I'm going to tolerate and the hardest part maybe for many of us is sticking to the boundaries without over explaining or defending them. I won't discuss this topic. The more you discuss why you won't discuss this topic. Let's say you say, I don't want to discuss this topic because I feel this way, and that gives them so much more space to overtalk you, turn things around, convince you that you're wrong, right? Stand in your truth. You've already made the decision, so stick to it.
(08:14)I'm not going to discuss this topic. You don't have to overexplain everything. You don't have to defend yourself. This is your truth. It's what you have decided is best for you in your life, and only you can do that. Only you know yourself the best. So yes, they will easily try to shift things. If you give them the room, don't give them the room. Write that in big letters. Don't give them room. This should be short and simple limits, and if you don't want to call 'em boundaries, you can call 'em limits. Make yourself feel a little fluffier, a little better, right? Whatever. It's your preferences, but it's a non-negotiable. It should be a non-negotiable because your peace at this point, honey, if you've been through it and you have a narcissistic parent and you're listening to this and you're either 25, 35, 45, that's decades of dealing with a bunch of Bs you shouldn't have had to deal with.
(09:08)It is time for you to say no more, and I am okay with protecting my peace at this point. That's why you are here. You have to act on this. You've got to act on it and live it. Okay? Number three, detaching emotionally. Oh, this is one of the things that can be hard, but once you do it and you feel it for the first time that you're actually able to detach like this, it is the most freeing, just peaceful, calm, almost uncomfortable feeling. You may have never felt it before. If you have had parents that are narcissists or someone in your life for so long, you're like, I don't even know. I could feel like this. First, you want to reduce your emotional dependence on their validation. We talked about they don't validate what I feel you don't need them to. That's what we have to get to.
(10:09)And that's not overnight, but we can chalk this down. That's not a saying. I'm making it one. Now we're going to chalk this down where request in the Facebook group, if you're not in it, please join that it's in my description box, but go in there request. Say, Hey, I'd love to hear more details on detaching emotionally or the validation, whatever. So I'm just trying to touch on these so you get a bigger picture and then we can zoom in later. But the dependence on their validation is what keeps you on the string of a narcissist in that web. You want their validation. You've got to let go of that desire and you can do cord cutting meditations even.
(10:56)And some people are against those. Look, I was raised Catholic, I'm Christian. I have certain different beliefs of different things, but I'm very much a God person, a Christian person, and I sometimes use those tools like meditations to help me, but it's always in prayer. It's always with God and I say, God, please guide me on this journey. And it's just sometimes good to have a voice guiding me through something like saying, please, and you can just say a prayer if you want, right? God, please help me emotionally detach from needing their validation, right? The next thing is the gray rock method, and I will put that special episode that many love. It's one of my most listen to episodes of the Gray Rock Method. So this is pretty much keeping interactions dull and non-reactive to avoid being a target. Like I said, the more you give them, the more space and words you give to them, they are going to chomp it up.
(12:04)They're going to get in there, they're going to twist shit. They're going to confuse you. They make you wonder about yourself, going to make you go to loco in the cocoa. We don't want that. So simple and very short, very basic non-emotional practices. The gray rock method, it's a real method out there and I have a whole podcast episode on it. If you have not listened to that or you need a refresh because we all do, go listen to that. I'll put it in the description box and accepting that they may not acknowledge your feelings or experiences. I say may not, but now I'm out of 10 narcissists. Do not acknowledge your feeling or experiences. If they do, they're probably just doing it for their own benefit. So 10 out of 10 narcissists. Do not acknowledge your feelings or experiences. They're not here for that.
(12:59)They're here for them. I call 'em their own up their butt, right? They're just up their own butt. They don't, don't care about your feelings or experiences. They're out for themselves. They want the power. So if they take a millisecond to actually feel or care for you, there goes their power. They think, right? That's not true, that's not rational, but they're not true rational people. Alright, moving on to the fourth, managing guilt and emotional triggers. So expect the guilt tripping, right? The expectations just know what you're getting. This is text to book. What they're going to do, they're going to guilt trip. They are going to emotionally bat you around and manipulate you, right? Expect it and know what to do with it. You say their emotions, their behaviors are not mine and they're not yours to carry. Their emotions aren't yours. Don't take the bait.
(13:54)They get all riled up and angry. That doesn't mean you have to get riled up and angry. What do you do? Come on class. What do you do? We learned this already. We say I'm not going to accept this and I'm going to what? Walk away. You have that right baby, okay? Even if it's your parent blood or not, I don't give a, yeah, you have that permission from me and then we want to reframe the guilt. So choosing your wellbeing. It's not selfish, it's self preserving. It's necessary. I'm going to say it again. Choosing your wellbeing. They have made you think it's selfish. They twist everything around to tell you, you are selfish. You are selfish. That is the most frequent thing I heard from my narcissist. You are selfish. You are selfish. It is deflecting. It is them turning what they are onto you.
(14:57)It is them trying to make you believe something so that they have the upper hand and it's bullshit and it's necessary to choose your wellbeing, especially when it comes to a narcissist. They will drag you through coals and not care. Okay, five. Here we go. We talked about that. Limiting contact or no contact, so if it's necessary, go very low contact. I feel it's necessary in most cases. Okay, I'm going to give you the options, but I hope you lean toward the more conservative approach of very limited contact if you have a narcissist in your life. Co-parenting is a different story. I know some parenting situations are tricky, but this is minimal controlled interactions. Maybe having a buffer of another person around or my personal favorite is no contact if the relationship is too toxic. If you're here, it probably is no contact and I have an episode about that.
(16:05)I'm going to have to try to remember, I'm going to have to listen to this again and put all these episodes in the description box. It's so important and you need to, when you enter limited or no contact for the limited, decide on clear rules for your communication. You get to decide that I just worked on this with a client the other day. We're going to emails only. That's it. That is it. You get to make the rules. Obviously if there's a lawyer involved, this was a co-parenting situation and it was okay. It was agreed upon. Email was okay, they're not going to want it to be okay. They're going to want to have the upper hand and they decide, but you get to decide email only. I prefer that over text, especially over phone. Everything is in writing. You can do it through an app.
(16:53)There are apps out there, especially if you're in co-parenting situations. Ask your lawyers to put an addendum on to only speak through certain apps, and that's a great way to have. It's like through a third party. Everything is there. If it goes something legal, all the evidence is there. Get everything in writing and keep it short and sweet. I have literally written a bunch of emails for my clients to their exes just because they felt like they would get emotional. So I'm like, all right, what points do we need? Let's keep it clear, short, concise, and it's worked really beautifully so that definitely get clear on the rules and they can't have unannounced visits, any of that BS no more. And I know I'm talking about exes too. That's because I know a lot of situations, if you have had narcissistic parents, you may have narcissistic exes too.
(17:51)That is something that you can give yourself permission to do. I'm only going to communicate with them through this or keep it to a limited time instead of answering all their calls. Say, I can talk to you Sundays at this time. It depends on your situation. That's why all of these situations, look, they're very different. Everyone's going to have a different story, but you can get a general idea of this and if you want to work with me one-on-one, we go into obviously customize plans for everybody. We got blueprints over here, so if you are going low contact, have those rules in place and prepare for backlash. Guess who doesn't like losing control? My queen narcissist. They hate it. It's their least favorite thing. You have to stay firm.
(18:44)It's not for the fan of heart, but you are a strong queen. I see you. You're on here for a reason. Just know I'm telling you, no one really told me when I went through all of my stuff earlier in life, a lot of stuff, I've had different layers of it, but one of the biggest ones, no one really told me about the backlash, how severe it would be, and just I wasn't really prepared. I wish I would've been more prepared. So I'm glad you're here. Prepare. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you have support. You can be in my Facebook group, get support there from other people in your situation. Get support from me and stay firm in your boundaries. So let's go on to number six, strengthening your support system. Speak in a witch. Do an evaluation of your friends.
(19:33)You're going to need healthy friends around here. If you're trying to take out the narcissist trash, you're going to need healthy friends supporting you, people who uplift you, people who don't make you question yourself, not people who are mutual friends with these people and are questioning you or family members that might see both sides because they're a flying monkey for the narcissist. None of that. Focus on the support of those. Have your back and that can be friends, that can be family, it can be a therapist, it can be yours, truly over here, Krista, Jade. Hey girl. If you need one-on-one support from someone who really knows what you're going through, I'm all for therapy. I love therapists. You have to have the right one that really knows what they're talking about. So you might have to date around therapy or a support group. There are actual support groups, and then there's my Facebook group.
(20:34)Like I said, connect with people who uplift rather than drain you. You don't have time to drain and disturb your peace anymore. We're done, right? Can I get an amen? What? Are you still with me? I'm waking you up. Number seven, prioritizing your healing. Okay? This is the better stuff, right? We have to deal with all that crap and how to navigate this is self-care, okay? Meditation. Guys, if you have not done my four minute meditation, it's a great place to start. You do it every morning, you can do it midday. If you have a few minutes and you do, everyone has a few minutes, go out to your dang car, right? Instead of a water break, smoke break, pee break, hold your pee and meditate. Just kidding, we can all find four minutes, but especially in the morning, you can wake up four minutes earlier.
(21:25)I'm telling you, just this tiny meditation will give you a peek into meditation and what it can do for you. I love guided meditations. You can find 'em all over YouTube. I have my own on the insight timer app. I should put that in my description box. I don't think of all the things, but I have multiple ones. I have one's for anxiety, one's for abundance, all sorts of healing, meditations, journaling. If you love to write, write in a journal I write every morning, I pray and then I journal about it, right? Therapy is a form of self-care. Going to some sort of narcissistic help with coach, like a coach like me or somebody else is going to be self-help. Is that a word? Or spiritual practices? Whatever makes you feel good and comfortable, do more of it. Then you want to work on that inner child healing.
(22:25)I do this with my coaching, but I also do this with somatic healing. If you don't know, I'm a somatic heal healer, which facilitator, whatever you want to call it, and we heal from the inside out from the body. Somatic means body. Your body remembers everything. So you can do all the mindset stuff in the world. Your body's still going to remember. That's why we go back. We feel like real pumped up for a while, and then we can side back somatic healing, which I love to do both. I love to mix both. So we get both of it. The mindset and the body. You are going to have very lasting results. So inner child healing in whatever modality, right? So you're reparenting yourself with kindness and affirmation, which wouldn't that be nice if we had that. Maybe you did with one parent, but also shifting your mindset from victimhood to empowerment, and I know I might get an ass whooping on this one because I am validating that you were a victim.
(23:26)I was a victim. I get it. I went through it. But we shall not use that as our identity. I would prefer you think of yourself as a survivor as empowered and using what happened now to catapult you into the greatest life you can have. Your parent, whoever, whatever narcissist in your life does not define you, okay? Let them have the bullshit. Let them hold that, right? They have the poison. We're going to step, yes, we got sprayed with poison. What are we going to do about it? We're going to spit it back in their damn faces and run. Alright. Number eight, staying grounded in your faith and truth. I am a God person. I don't care what you are. I hope you're God person. I love God. He's a good dude. Sky daddy. He's upstairs. If you want to ever talk to him, you just say, Hey, what's up?
(24:28)God, no. If you're spiritual, pray, meditate to stay centered in your truth, not theirs. Again, you're not the one with all the poison that's theirs. Sit in it. Say, I don't have room for you. I don't have time for you. I want nothing to do with this poison and ask God for guidance. Every day I ask God, shine the light of my path, my obedience. Sometimes I say it for obedience to you or the healthy path for me, whatever I'm needing in that moment. Remember God, your higher power, whatever does not call you to suffer but to thrive. He wants you to thrive. We're not here to suffer. I know we may suffer. I get it. I know there's suffering and there's darkness in the world, but sky daddy, I think of him as the best dad out there who wants me to just do all the good things, help all the people be good to myself, help my family break the cycles of abuse, whatever He wants it all for me and for you.
(25:41)So what does your God, your higher power want for you? Think about that. Write it down, and then trust yourself, which is hard for people who've gone through abuse. This can be tricky, but try to trust yourself. Your feelings, your needs, your worth are valid. It's all valid, even though it might not feel like it because you had somebody in your life invalidating you over and over and over. We're going to rewrite that. So these are the things. This is like, there's a lot of housing in here, which I will tell you. They say, Christie, don't give away all the how's. That's the whole thing you want to wait for. So you can do that in coaching. Well, I like to give shit away free because I care more about helping you than the dollars in my pocket. Honestly, I want to help as many people as I can, and if you want further, deeper help that I cannot, I'm trying to spit out as much as I can for you here, but whatever I can't get out in this podcast you want to delve deeper into, let me know.
(26:51)I will put a link. There's always going to be a link there of how to work with me, whether it's a somatic healing or coaching or both. I will put the link in the top part so you know where to click, and if you want to just email me and chat and just see what kind of help you think you may need, you're kind of lost out there. Email me. My email is always on there too Fierce Mama C, that's me at Gmail. I hope you guys like this episode. I loved it. I think it's really important. I'm like, I love my episode. See what happens when you heal, you get confidence. Yeah, girl, no, I feel good about this because it's been asked for and I wanted to really make sure I covered a lot. If you have more questions, again, that Facebook group is where you want to ask anything, just post on there. Ask, request me to do, delve deeper into maybe self-care. Whatever you want to hear more about, let me know. I love that. And you can also put up your own, what wins have you had this week?
(28:00)What have you done in your healing journey? Which one of these eight things are you doing? Maybe you're doing some of them already dealing with your narcissistic parent. That space is a safe space to share and have support from people that are going through the same thing we are. We love that, don't we? I love it. Alright, so that is it for this episode. Of course, I would love to help as many people as possible. I know not everyone can do one-on-one sessions, but that is where you're going to get the customized stuff right? We're going to really get some deep, long lasting healing, and I shift people pretty damn quickly. It's my specialty. I love that about me, but it is, I'm quick myself. One of my best friends calls me Bunny, and because I like to go through things quickly, I'm not going to be sitting.
(29:00)I don't want to lay on that couch and cry about shit any more than I have to. I'm going to do it. I think emotions are important. You address them, you honor them, and then you say, this life is short. Let's fucking party. No, that's not what you say. Well, maybe I do. No, I want to thrive. What's my purpose? I want to feel happy again. I want to find the old me that was in there, or I want to find myself for the first time. I want to feel confident. I want to have joy. I want to break the cycle where I know that I'm not going to tolerate anyone else treating me poorly ever again. And I want my kids to see that there's all these things, right? So honor yourself, put your crown on. Let's do some affirmations to end this, okay? All right, we'll do it specific to this topic first. The first one, I am free of getting validation from my parent.
 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt

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Speaker 1: (00:03)Um, hello ladies. Hello my queens. I have something epic lined up for you. I'm so excited. First, I guess I'll say, you know, welcome to, but still she thrives. There's the official, hello. But I am so excited. I am relaunching my boundaries course with a special bonus for a limited time for a limited amount of people. I don't know when that time is gonna be up. I'm gonna see how many I sell and go from there because I need to have enough space to give this bonus offer this time, which is going to be an hour free one-on-one coaching with me. So you will get that on top of your Epic Boundaries course, which is prerecorded go at your own pace. So it's not like you're rushing around. If you've got a very busy life, it's easy to include in your weekly routine, or if you wanna do bi-weekly, it is dripped out weekly. Speaker 1: (00:57)So one video will come out to your email, directly to your email every week on boundaries. So if you feel like you are somebody who feels stressed out, overwhelmed, not at peace, feeling like relationships are stressing you out, feeling like maybe work is stressing you out, maybe the home life with the kids is stressing you out, odds are you have a issue with setting boundaries or keeping them or even knowing what or how to set boundaries. So my course is all about that, but we're going to touch on a few of those things today. And then, um, the offer will be in the show notes, the podcast description area. Um, so you can go ahead and sign up and if you sign up for a limited time, you will get that one hour one-on-one coaching with me, which it's just gonna be amazing, like the course with me helping you, guiding you on your journey to peace and joy and just ease. Speaker 1: (02:02)Don't we want an easier life? I know I did. And I'm here. So here's my hand. I'm gonna pull you on through and let's dive into the actual episode, shall we? So what are boundaries, right? We hear that word all the time to me, and we're gonna, we're gonna speak queen language today 'cause y'all are some queens. So I want you to picture boundaries like the walls that protect your castle, right? So just as a castle's, walls keep the unwanted out and the good within, that's important too for you to focus on, right? To me, it's protecting your peace. So all the good things you want to stay there and you want to block the negativity from coming and seeping into any even little cracks in your walls, right? So just as you get, you keep that unwanted out and the cherished in the personal boundaries define what you are comfortable with and what crosses the line. Speaker 1: (03:01)So imagine your emotional boundaries as this big protective shield around your emotional wellbeing. So when boundaries has such a negative connotation, and I hate that, I wish there was a more positive association with it, um, for me it is. But for a lot of people it feels like, oh, I'm telling someone what to do. No, you are telling yourself what you will and will not tolerate. And yes, you may communicate that to somebody, but in, in healthy loving boundaries, you're not really telling someone to do. I'll give you a quick example. Um, I had a person in my life that raised their voice a lot at me. And I was a grown adult. I was a grown adult, and I didn't want that to happen anymore. I was used to it. It was my way of life, my whole life. But I woke up one day, I was like, this really has caused me a negative feeling, like a lot, right? Speaker 1: (03:53)So I don't like that. I don't like that feeling. So what do you do about it? I, instead of saying, don't yell at me anymore, you can say, I'm not comfortable with being yelled at. That's not something that I accept in my life anymore. And here is what's going to happen in the future. If you do raise your voice at me, there's nothing I can do about that on your end. But for me, I am going to walk away. I'm gonna hang up the phone, like whatever it is your boundary is gonna be, and we'll get to all of that, especially in the boundaries course where you really customize and learn how to figure out what boundaries you need. And there's also talk in my course about how to set those boundaries with love, right? And where it's not aggressive. So anyway, let's move on. Speaker 1: (04:46)So if you find it hard to say no to, let's say extra work at the office, even when it's affecting your personal time, that might be a sign your time related boundaries need attention. If you feel just spread thin, if you feel like, gosh, I have no time to do anything, and I hear this a lot when my clients come to me, I would say 95% of them say, I just, I don't have time to do that. And by the time they're done with me, they have more free time than they could have dreamt of. Because if you do not have free time in your life, it is because you are not, it may be aware of what's going on. You're not living in alignment with what you truly desire. And so therefore you're not really able to recognize or even know how to set those boundaries. Speaker 1: (05:34)Or maybe you know some of them, but you feel uneasy or guilty about setting them. And we're gonna shift all that mindset in the course. So then you can go on and set them and feel good about it. And you realize it actually improves your relationships. And the relationships. If it does damage certain relationships, those may not be relationships that you want in your life because they're not healthy relationships. So we get into all that too. All the fun, right? So setting healthy boundaries, you have to be very clear and specific. Okay? If a colleague asks you to stay late at work all the time, you could say, I'm happy to help, but I need at least 24 hours notice for overtime requests, right? And again, we'll get into all of these things more deeply. And this is where the one-on-one with me can help. Speaker 1: (06:25)If you have specific situations, you really can't figure out, I am a pro at them. So I love helping with that. Then there's overcoming the boundary challenges, right? Like it's natural to fear that setting boundaries might harm the relationships, but consider this healthy boundaries can actually strengthen them. So let's say you have a friend who always calls late at night, they're disturbing your sleep, but you feel like, oh, I feel bad if I don't answer. Like, you have this urgency to answer. I used to have that in general any time of day or night. I just felt like I had to be accessible all the time to my friends. It was a thing, not anymore, but by sending a boundary kindly, you know, saying something like, I value our friendship, but I do need to maintain a, a healthy sleep schedule. So I could totally chat during the day. Speaker 1: (07:24)Let's say you could even give a specific day. I used to have a specific day. Now it's like when I'm working, I really try hard not to do that unless it's like someone has an emergency or something, right? But I really used to have a day of the week I would pick and I'd be like, you know, Thursdays, if you just wanna chat, just to chat, like, I can totally do that from let's say two to 3:00 PM or whatever. Maybe it's at nighttime while you're waiting for dinner to cook on the stove. And these may seem like, you know, some more silly boundaries, some lighter boundaries. We definitely get into some deeper ones, right? I know a lot of you have gone through abuse. A lot of you come to me, you have just gotten out of really hard relationships and you may need to set boundaries with that person. Speaker 1: (08:11)Um, if you're co-parenting, there's some big boundary setting we have to do there, right? So all of that is something we can work on. So let's, let's talk about somebody who actually went through my program, right? She struggled so much with setting boundaries at her workplace. She used to say yes to everything, everything, if it meant working late, sacrificing her personal time. And this came from her because growing up she really didn't do a lot for herself because she grew up with a parent who was very controlling, um, very, you do everything I say when I do it. And she had no voice in her own life. So she didn't even really know her own voice. When she came to me, we discovered who she was, what she desired, and how to live in alignment with that. And part of that is getting comfortable with and setting new boundaries, right? Speaker 1: (09:17)So after learning about boundaries, she decided to communicate her limits. And not only did she improve her work life balance, but she got more respect from her colleagues. And I have my own little sidebar. Um, when I was in my early twenties, I worked at a television production company. And in the first, gosh, first two weeks, I don't remember exactly, but within the first two weeks, um, this is kind of an embarrassing but funny story. So I actually will go into detail 'cause it's a little entertainment here too. Um, you know, I've always been good at boundaries in certain ways with certain people. I wasn't right? But I always felt like in the workplace, my dad had really, he used to say, here we go, we all in the same pot. That's what he told me. So I was like, yes, I'll respect my elders and all of that, but we're, we're all human, right? Speaker 1: (10:17)Like, I should never be talked down to or yelled at or anything, right? That was something that I just grew up with feeling in a work environment. So I had this new boss and I had asked him to, um, I I was moving out into an apartment and they needed proof that I, you know, had this job, whatever. So they asked him, I mean, I asked him if he could please get back to them. 'cause they had called and he hadn't returned their call, and he kind of blew me off. So I asked, there was like another boss, like a step above him. I asked him, sent him an email with a guy's name. Neither one of them were getting back to him. The guy called, and this was like over the span of a week or so. And so the guy at the apartment building, he contacted me. Speaker 1: (11:11)He said, look, if I don't have this by tomorrow, you're not getting the apartment. So I was like, well, I really wanted this apartment. So I looked in the directory of our huge company, okay? And I typed in human resources. I was like, well, I guess I just go to hr. Maybe that's why they're not responding. Maybe this is an HR thing. So I'll just go to hr. Keep in mind you, I'm fresh out of college. I don't really know how it all works. I just was like, okay, hr. And I saw that there was the president of hr, and I was like, perfect. So I emailed the president of HR and I CC'd the bosses. And my boss, who she didn't, she was like, she wasn't my boss. She was kind of a manager, but not my boss. So I, I couldn't ask her for this, right? Speaker 1: (12:10)Like, she wasn't directly above me. Exactly. Um, but she was in our department and I loved her, whatever. But I put her on the email. I don't even remember why I put her on the email, to be honest. It's so long ago. So, and I ccd the other two bosses who did not get back to the guy. And I wrote to the president of HR and I hit send. And I'm sitting there and I immediately, we were in cubicles and I immediately hear one, one of the bosses, the, like, my direct boss screaming at the top of his lungs. He screamed my name real loud. And, and there were tons of people around us, right? We're in cubicles. There's probably 25, 30 people. And my other, the woman, you know, manager looked at me and she looked at the, she was looking at her screen, she's like, oh, shaking her head. Speaker 1: (13:09)And I was like, oh gosh, did I do something wrong? , I guess so. And so the boss comes running over to my desk, I mean, veins popping red face, not good. And I don't even remember what he yelled, but he was yelling, yelling, yelling at me. And I was humiliated. I mean, I was brand new. All these people were staring at me. He yelled at me and I, I just went, I stormed away, went to the bathroom, I was crying in the bathroom, which was not like me, but I mean, I, that was not comfortable obviously. And I got myself together. And I remember sitting there and I was like, we all in the same pot. Nobody talks to me like that. And I went to him and I said, I, I'd like to speak with you in private, please. And he goes, I don't have time. Speaker 1: (14:06)And so I walked away. So I emailed him and I said, I'd really like to meet with you in private before you leave today. And I knew every, all of our schedule, I think were five or six. And at five o'clock I, like right before five, I see him getting his stuff ready. Like he just ignored my email. So I got up and I walked over to him and I said, I'd really like to meet before you leave. And he was like, God, fine. You know, like he was really annoyed. And so I said, do you wanna go into a quality control suite? We did television, production, quality control, and they had suites that shut. So we went in there and I said to him, I said, what you did to me earlier was not okay. I felt very disrespected and humiliated. I didn't do anything on purpose, obviously. Speaker 1: (14:59)And he was like, you wrote to the president of HR of all of this company. I mean, he is huge company. And I said, well, I don't know. I, the guy said I needed it done, you know, or I wouldn't get the apartment. And so we kind of went back and forth. I, he was still upset, but he calmed down as we talked. And I was like, that just under no circumstance, is that okay to speak to me like that, to speak to anyone like that. It's just not, I was, you know, I wasn't yelling, I was calm, I was just direct. And did I think I could get fired? Sure. Um, but I also have faith. There's this whole faith thing that goes along with me and my mind. And I do believe God will take care of us if we take care of ourselves. Speaker 1: (15:49)And, um, and I'm not saying you have to go about things this way, right? It might be extreme to do that, but maybe having an exit plan and looking for another job. If let's say, you know, you're scared to do something like that 'cause you have kids to support, I totally get that. But it's setting a standard. And I will tell you this, that man never spoke badly to me again. He actually was very kind. He liked me. He would tell people about me. He had used my nickname. He came to love me. And he told me one day, he said, the day that you talked to me in that room made me gain major respect for you. And that kind of hit, you know, because I was, I was scared. I was like, I, this might be it for me here. That sucks. I only made it two weeks. Speaker 1: (16:43)Um, and I wasn't someone to do that. But I, I felt so much in my body that this is not okay and not right that I just had to say something. So all that big story to say between me and my clients, I can tell you people respect you when you respect yourself and when you de demand, not demand, I hate that word, demand respect. But when you don't settle for less than being respected and being treated well, right? People treat you how you let them treat you. And that is true my whole life. Look, the abuse when I was a child, that is something that, you know, yeah, sure, I wish I would've gone to police or whatever, gotten help. But we don't always know, especially as children didn't know what options were out there. But I will tell you, as I got older and out of the house and going through this work, nobody treats me poorly anymore. Speaker 1: (17:38)That just doesn't happen. If it does, it's one time and they're out. Like, you don't get, you don't get chances to poorly behave around me. And I want you all to have this standard for yourself. I'm calling it the bold standard. 'cause you're queens, right? We're all queens. Everyone. Men too. This isn't just like a women empowerment. I mean, I'm all about women obviously, but men need to be treated well too. There are women who treat men horribly. Everybody deserves to be treated well and have high standards for themselves in their lives. You know, don't let anyone treat you like how you would not want your own child treated, right? A lot of us will be like, oh, they can't do that. And so protective of our kids, be protective of yourself as well. Like this life is to be lived in peace, in joy, in freedom and happiness. Speaker 1: (18:38)We're not here to suffer or take, okay? So I would love you to purchase my boundaries. Course it will be life changing. I, I can say everyone who has gone through my course has told me it has changed their lives. And then with that one-on-one coaching session with me that comes with it, this is like, now is the time to get this. So I will put the link in. I want you to really take your boundaries seriously and know you can do it in a way that isn't, you don't have to be a, right? Like there's a whole like association with boundaries or power. And that's. And we don't have time for it. You are loving yourself and all you want is to be treated well. And that's okay. That's more than okay. You deserve that. We all deserve that. Again, we're not here to suffer. Speaker 1: (19:34)That's not why we're here guys. We're here for many, many different reasons. That's a whole other show. But, and to help others. And you can still help others and be selfless in many ways, yet still care for yourself and demand that you be treated well. And again, I hate that word. It's got a negative connotation, but don't settle for less. I'll fluff it up a little bit. Semantics. Semantics. Anyway, this is a little bit of a longer episode, but it's super important. And this is the foundation of having a great life. It's simple. Like a great life is truly created by figuring out what your desires are. Maybe you have to rediscover yourself in the process. I'll do an episode about that. And then setting boundaries with yourself and with other people. There's also, you have to set boundaries with your yourself. If you want your life to align with your desires. What does your day look like? I, if you desire really to travel, but you never travel the, we've gotta fix something that could be a boundary with yourself. Well, what are, are you spending all this money on something else that's really not working toward what you actually want? It just in the moment seems like a good fix. Like, um, binge shopping, just like a, you know, aimlessly walking the aisles or scrolling on Amazon. 'cause you're filling a, a void in the moment. You just guzzling some wine, a coffee addiction that's expensive. Speaker 1: (21:15)Like getting clear on your alignment with what you desire and setting those boundaries to get into that alignment is everything. So I will link all this stuff in my show notes. If you have questions, I'll put my email in there as well. You guys deserve the freaking world. And you can get it. You can live a dream version of your life, if that makes sense, right? Like, can I be Mariah Carey right now? Maybe not, but can I live my dream if I wanna, if I love singing, which I do right now, I'm taking voice lessons, I love it. I'm singing on YouTube. I'm having a good old time, right? Like, there's ways to bring your sparkle back on top of, you know, recreating your boundaries with other people, recreating your life through setting the boundaries and letting the good in filling your life with more of the good it by blocking out the bad, right? Speaker 1: (22:25)Think about it. If you have negative energy and people draining you all the time, how are you gonna really be happy and do more of the good stuff or figure out what you even wanna do? Look like, picture it as a scale, right? You want that happy, happy joy, joy to be way up in the air. We want an imbalanced happy scale . Um, because that negative will just weigh you down, rob you of your energy, rob you of your joy, fill you with anxiety and worry. And y you are going to get more than that. I, if you go through this course, you are gonna learn a lot and you are going, it is invaluable. You are going to change your life. So, alright, I'm just, I'm passionate, obviously I could go on and on. Now I have, I've gone on for another like four minutes. Speaker 1: (23:17)So I will let you go, go click on that, purchase it, get that free call with me, which will pop up at the end of your, don't be worried if it's not there right away. Um, you can get, you can purchase an extra one if you'd like to. Um, there's an option for that to get two calls with me. But at the end, automatically at the end of your course, you get that one-on-one call. So you go through the course and then we can chat, you can, you know, if you have any questions about the course, if you're like, okay, I get it, but I have this specific situation that's tricky, can you help me? Yes. All those things. Or we can just sing and dance, do some yoga. Just kidding. Well, not really. We can do whatever you want with that hour, , but I love you guys. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Doses.

The 5 Minute Meditation Every Woman Healing from Abuse Needs to do Right Now

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In this 5-minute meditation, the speaker Christy Jade guides listeners through a series of breathing exercises and affirmations to help regulate the nervous system and promote feelings of peace, safety, and self-empowerment.
 
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello Queens. It is Kristi Jade with, but still she thrives. And today I'm so excited we have a mini episode. I've been doing these, I'm going to start trying to do them even more so you guys can build a little collection, a little library of under five minute meditations, breath work, things to really regulate your nervous system because when you've been through some shit like we have, that's what we need to do. We need to maintain through regulation, right? So in between my regular kind of talky episodes, I'm going to be doing these. So let me know in the Facebook group if you are enjoying them and if you have any recommendations that you would like me to do. So don't forget, that's always in the podcast description along with all the ways to work with me and all the fun freebies. So always go check that out after you're done listening. So let's start out taking a breath. I need to take a breath. I'm always talking fast. So let's take a nice inhale through the nose and exhale slowly.
(01:09)And if you want to close your eyes, only do that. If you're not driving or you don't need to be seeing anything, hopefully you're in a quiet space doing this. Rest your eyes, rest your body, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. Breathe in deeply and feel that air fill your lungs expanding through your shoulders. Hold it and let it go. With each inhale, imagine this beautiful, golden, peaceful, warm light filling you with this calm energy. And when you exhale, release the tension of the day, the tension that builds up any doubt you're having about yourself. Any fears. I know we got a lot from all the stuff we've gone through. There are definitely going to be some anxieties, but this is where we let them float away. In this moment, let yourself feel at peace and we'll do one more inhale, filling up that peace bubble all around you. Hold it and exhale, releasing all that no longer serves you. Okay? Now bring your attention to your body. Feel the ground beneath you. Whether you're sitting, standing, laying, you are steady. You are safe in this moment. And I'd love you to repeat out loud if you can. After me, I'll say it, then you can repeat it. I am here.
(02:58)I am whole. I am stronger than I know. And let these words really settle into your heart. You have already survived so much and you're still here. You're still standing. And you're not just standing. You thriving, right? We're thriving over here. Okay? Now imagine this soft, fluffy, warm light. This is God's love. Peace, the wisdom you have from what you've been through. It is within you always right? You have this. You aren't alone in this darkness. You have this light. And now I want you to take a little minute to listen. Just be in this peace bubble, this golden warm peace bubble, and just listen and ask God, if you are not a God person, that's fine. Just ask your higher self, whatever. What do I need to hear in this moment? And let yourself sit and just feel, hear whatever comes up. Trust it. Don't overthink it. I know what you're doing.
(04:20)This is your inner sparkle, that intuition, and it's going to be guiding you. Let whatever comes up, come up. It may be a word, it may be a feeling, it may be some sort of vision, some sort of shape or color. And in a deeper meditation, you can go deeper into that. But for now, just let it come. Just see it. Be with it after something comes up, whatever it is, say thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you, universe. Take that big inhale in and exhale. And you're going to repeat after me. I am safe. I am strong.
(05:22)I am divinely guided, and I am ready to rise. Because why? Because I'm a queen. We have to always add that one in there. When you're ready, open your eyes. Carry this peace bubble with you today, feeling that warmth, that glow. That's your glow, baby. You look good in glow. All right? Now remember, if you want to do more resetting your body, that nervous system calibration, somatic healing is an amazing, amazing solution from the inside. Healing from the inside, not just the mindset work, which is beautiful, but somatic healing, which I'm doing, I am offering right now. And you can go to my website, it's christie jade.com and then slash somatic healing. That will always be in my podcast notes too. But right now, it is at the beautiful, beautiful price of one 11. I usually have it at 1 33. So you're going to get a little discount for being here with me today. So you can go on there, sign up for a session. I guarantee you'll feel amazing afterwards. You can read all about it. There's a page. You can read more details to know more information. But this is the type of stuff we need to do to find the piece, to feel the piece, to rewrite what has happened, to undo the damage. It can be done.
(07:04)I am proof. I am proof here. So I'm going to leave this, try to make it a short, I know it's only five minutes, but I blab a little bit because I really want you to understand how important this work is. The little meditations doing yoga. Whatever you can do to feed your body, your mind, your spirit, it's going to help and hydrate. Girl, where's your water? Okay, so if you want to do a session, go grab a session with me. We're going to have so much fun. It's me. We're going to have fun and heal. It's the best of both worlds. So also, the next episode I am going to do, because I've gotten a few requests on this, is navigating narcissistic parents. Are you ready for that? I have not touched on that. So make sure you're following me. Subscribe, whatever you got to do on the podcast platform of your preference.
(07:58)So you get notified when I have new episodes out. I'm telling you what's coming up this year is going to be fire. It is going to be amazing. We have so much awesome stuff. It's about to blow your roof off. So I hope you enjoyed this. Remember to save these episodes, go back and just grab, when you got five minutes, go grab your golden glow, right? And you get to hear my weird voice in the background. It's perfect. All right, love you guys. Don't forget you are thriving, you are amazing. You're a queen. And don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. See you in the next one.

Do Narcissists Really Feel? The Truth Will Shock You!

Do Narcissists Really Feel? The Truth Will Shock You!
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---------
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode of, but Still She Thrives. We are gonna talk about do narcissists really have emotions? They have what we see as emotions, but are they true emotions? Stay tuned and find out. Speaker 1: (00:14)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:12)All right, let's dive into this. I can say I myself was really wondering about this. When I started to really delve into narcissistic abuse with my own experience with studying it. This was something I was like, oh, I get so confused about this because they can turn on the tears. Or are they real tears? Sometimes it seems so genuine. They have all these different emotions that we can relate to, but there's something that seems off about it, so it makes us wonder. So we're gonna explore. All right. To begin, let's clarify what narcissism is. If you're new here, maybe you don't know. It is narcissistic personality disorder or N p D. It's a mental health condition, really characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration and important, very important in this is the lack of empathy for others. So it's not just someone who's like, oh, they're such a narcissist. Speaker 1: (02:08)They're just so cocky, right? It goes a lot deeper. There's a lot of characteristics. You can go binge a bunch of my episodes to find out more, but they often come across as arrogant and self-centered. So I think it's important to know do they have emotions? Do they real emotions? Do they have the same emotions the rest of quote us do? So do they have emotions? The short answer is yes. Like anyone else, they experience a wide range of emotions, happiness, sadness, anger. We know about that. Anger and narcissist, don't we? And even fear, right? However, the way they experience and express their emotions is what's really very different from what we consider typical. So they may have difficulty connecting with and understanding their own emotions. For me, I I really picture them as having these deep, deep buried emotions that they can't even touch on. Speaker 1: (03:06)Occasionally, depending on how much frequency of contact, how long you've known the narcissist, you may get a little glimpse of this vulnerability where you see a true ish emotion. I've experienced that very, very rarely with someone that I have known for decades. Um, I would say twice I feel I've seen what is actually a true emotion. Um, because they, they really don't even understand their own selves. They can't cope with emotions. So they don't really go there. Their intense focus on themselves also often makes it challenging for them to empathize with the emotions of other people. They're always so up their own asses, let's call it what it is that they can't see past it, right? And they, so they just have this block there. And another important aspect to consider is this narcissistic mass. So it's kind of referring to what, what I was talking about there about, you know, there's these emotions buried deep, but they often present a very carefully crafted image to the world. Speaker 1: (04:17)And this conceals all those insecurities, all their vulnerabilities, 'cause they have 'em. So that's another episode. They do have insecurities. A lot of narcissists come off as so cocky, an arrogant, and they know it all. And they are actually completely the opposite. So this mask can make it seem like they lack emotions or are only concerned with their own needs, which honestly, I do believe most of them are only concern concerned with their own needs. But that is where that comes from, is they are, are showing that they are this, oh, look at me, I've done this and I've done that. They brag, they come off as very arrogant. And so it kind of will really highlight that they are not concerned with other people and they have a big, big focus on themselves. But beneath that exterior, narcissists can be very fragile. They may react strongly to perceived slights or criticism. Speaker 1: (05:19)So that's something to look out for. If there is someone who cannot handle being wrong, cannot handle being criticized, even when you come at it in a loving way, even when you use that sandwich mess method and you roll up there and say, oh my God, you're the best. And, but here's this little thing I wish you would do a little differently and not treat me like garbage, but I love you and I hope we can work it out. They still come at you all crazy. They can't handle being just disciplined, or not even disciplined, but just talk, having a healthy conversation about changes that need to be made. Whatever it is, they cannot handle that. So they struggle to understand, like we said, and also more importantly, manage the, the emotions they do have, the emotions it triggers inside of them. So this whole paradox of arrogance and fragility, I think is really what confuses so many of us. Speaker 1: (06:23)And now that we know more about narcissism, narcissism can't even say the word today. Um, now that there's more information out there, it's so helpful because now you can see, okay, I think this person is so arrogant, they're very fragile. But don't let that make you feel, uh, because sometimes, let's be honest, when we see a fragile person or think of someone as fragile, we have empathy, which is great, but not with, they're a, they're a narcissist because narcissist narcissists are generally abusive. So I don't want you to go there and think like, oh, this this poor little hurt cat, I'm gonna help it. No, you don't need to help anybody. You know, my very, very first advice I I will give in a narcissistic situation if you are with a narcissist, is to get out. Not everyone's gonna like that. Not everyone is going to be ready for that. Speaker 1: (07:24)That's fine. No judgment. That's always gonna be my first and foremost advice. However, if you are co-parenting, there's no way around having them totally out of your life in most situations, unless they are abusive to the point that it can be proven and you can, you know, have your children taken from them. Or if you are in a situation where you are very fearful of your life, that is very, very hard to get out of the situation. It's a lot harder when you have that fear. And I understand that, and that's why I always recommend, and I always put the phone number to the domestic abuse hotline in my show notes. So don't hesitate to, they also, I think even on their website, I believe they have like a, a hidden thing where if you go to it, you can hide it. So if your narcissist is, you know, stalking your, they, you can basically have it. Speaker 1: (08:20)So it's hidden. Um, I should probably check into that more to give you the exact details, but I remember when I went to that website, checking it, there was something like that, which is helpful. Um, you can call that phone number, try to make a plan to get out. 'cause I, I do get it. It's hard. But that is just always my first, first and foremost advice is get as far away as a narcissist as you can. Fragile or not. That fragility is very different in narcissists because it comes out usually in abusive behavior. Okay? So if you or someone you know is dealing with narcissistic tendencies, right? If you or yourself, maybe there's a narcissist listening to this out there, probably not. Most narcissists don't want help. Um, but if you are dealing with it yourself, you're in a situation or you know somebody, please direct them to this. Speaker 1: (09:11)You know, go ahead and share this with them. Share whatever information is in my show notes with them. If it is for you, I really beg you to seek help. If you are in a situation with a narcissist, you deserve more. Okay? Therapists, mental health experts, me as a coach can provide guidance and support. However, I will say I work with women who have already gotten out of romantic situations. Um, I don't work with women actively one-on-one with women who are in currently in the situations. That's just a different thing that I, um, you know, I don't work with that sort of situation right now. I have in the past, but right now, that's not my focus. However, like I said, there's the domestic hotline. 'cause really you need to get a plan first and foremost to get out. I work with women who are on the other end of things. Speaker 1: (10:08)Maybe you've just gotten out of the situation. Maybe you're six months, a year, three years out, but you are still healing, which can very much be the case if you have not gotten, um, help. Or maybe you've been to a therapist, like I was a therapist that did not really know about narcissists. And that was not helpful because there you, 'cause they're, you can't treat them like other people. You can't treat the situation like other people. So, um, it's really important if you do get a therapist, make sure they have dealt with narcissism themselves. Uh, that, that is how I found one of my therapists. I really interviewed people and was like, if they wouldn't tell me, then they didn't tell me I'd go to the next one. Then I found a lady, she had a narcissistic person in her life. And I was like, good. Speaker 1: (10:51)This is a great, she knows what it's like. 'cause I felt like very alone. Like no one really got it. So that being said, I am here. If you are on the other side, I would love to work with you one-on-one. We basically, we have like a kickoff call. I'll put that in the show notes where we create a two week plan. So it's on this, this new journey to healing. I like to call it you 2.0. We, we are becoming a queen. You deserve all the joy, all the peace. And just because you've been in this situation does not mean you cannot have that. And so it's super important to realize that, like, don't lose hope. Um, I've been there and I am on the other side of it, and life is grand and amazing. I mean, nobody's life is perfect, but God, the difference is really epic. Speaker 1: (11:37)It's epic man, . So definitely click on that sign up. Um, right now it is, I believe 1 97 for two. So you get two calls with me and you get some email support in between. And then we start our journey. You can come on and do monthly calls. So I have most of my clients do once a week calls with me. And we get you in such a better spot in your life. You get that peace, that calm, you can sleep at night. You don't have these racing thoughts all the time. You don't feel like you're crawling out of your skin and you know what to do if this person contacts you or if you have, you know, these memories or these triggers. Like we work through a lot of those things. I will say it's, it's a quicker process than you think it might be. Speaker 1: (12:27)And we really shift from that into, okay, you're here now, let's do, now let's live out loud. Let's find joy. Let's find peace. Let's find people that lift us up in our lives. Let's do the things that make us happy. Like when you're a kid and you just like have these activities, like you feel like you lost your sparkle, girl, we're gonna get your sparkle back. Okay? You're a queen. You deserve to sparkle. Okay. All right. So yes, in conclusion, 'cause I rambled, narcissists do have emotions, however, their emotional experiences and expressions can be very complex and influenced by their narcissistic tendencies. So understanding is essential for those dealing with narcissists or seeking to help them. So if you also are a mental health specialist, please do as much research as you can. Talk to people who have dealt with it. Talk to narcissists themselves. Speaker 1: (13:29)There are some out there that are actually on YouTube, um, where you can listen to their videos and get an idea of, of really who these people are because it's way more complex than, than often it is made. But at the same time, I'll give you one hint if you haven't heard all my episodes, maybe you haven't heard this, but one thing about narcissists that simplifies it for me is they are always seeking to control their victim or to regain control, like checking if they have that control. If they don't, then they will try to regain it back. So like all of their calculated moves, it's all about control. It's about really nothing else. So that is kind of oversimplifying it, but it's a helpful handy tool when you are like, why is he reaching out? Why is he doing this? Whenever you ask why, your answer is basically right there for control. Speaker 1: (14:25)For control, for control, okay? So anyway, that is it for today's episode. I do want to say, let's do a little, I am a little affirmation action before we leave. Okay? A little empowered. I am okay. Hands to heart. And unless you're driving, nobody needs you shutting your eyes with your hand on your heart and going off the road. Okay, let's take a breath. This was some fast talking tonight. I got a lot of to do tomorrow, so I'm speeding talking , okay? Ah, all right. I am worthy of peace. Say after me. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of joy. I am gonna get my sparkle back Speaker 2: (15:15)Because Speaker 1: (15:16)I'm a queen . Alright, see you guys in the next episode. Loves these. Don't forget to check the show notes.